Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs
to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.
Author's Note:
So sorry for the week long delay! I got a block period... and... yeah. But I've finally gotten out of it and forced it out into a chapter of a suitable length. All Authors will reappear in the next chapter. I think there are only two more chapters left after this one. Wow! Thirty chapters! That's a record for me! ^_^
Have a blessed and happy Easter!
~Naheka
The File Cabinet
"It's been a week since I last saw you. You and the others had been smashed by the rolling boulder--"
"No. Our Mary-Sues came and saved us, valiantly indeed."
"At least she didn't try to go dramatic and lay her life down without a good reason."
"She was going to, but I told her that she needed to support Legolas."
I sighed angrily and nabbed Joe's laptop off of his desk. Punching in a couple characters, I showed her the first page of the LOTR fanfiction. "Here," I pointed once, "here," twice, "here," thrice, "here," four times, "here," five, "here," six, seven, eight, nine, and all the way to twenty-seven I pointed, "and here... are all the spots that a woman has the exact same sort of relationship with Lego-sama."
The Author pawed her toes timidly on the carpet as she hung her head. "Don't tell me you knew that already."
In reply, she slowly looked up and stared anxiously at me. "You're one of those scary Flamer people, aren't you?
Oh, how I had prepared for this very day. My fists clenched on my lap as my back straightened and stiffened, poised and ready for attack. "I apologize, miss, but I believe that you have your terms mixed up. I do not Flame, I give critique. Although my expectations are set for a mature and serious disposition for all serious pieces of fanfiction, apparently there are many writers who do not meet it. I have often wondered to myself why people have been so stupid as to share anything when they truly are not mentally ready for the consequences that they must render."
"...You've been practicing this little speech thing, haven't you?"
"For the last six months in my head. I haven't slept decently since."
"Oh."
"Anyway..." I rose from my chair and paced slowly to the other side of the room. Luckily for me, I have had actual experiences with reprimanding people personally, so I kept with my usual threatening stance: hands loosely behind your back, wide paces, and step with your heel and roll to your toe, careful to keep them under a specific height. Head down, but eyes up, alert, and concentrated. Never lose the energy that runs through your body, for one slip may send for a tsunami.
"What are you here for, anyway?" I asked, stopping at the corner of my desk.
"I came to apologize."
The enemy was feeling shame. Bwahahahaha. "Yes. Perhaps you do owe one."
She rose from her seat and took a deep breath. Oh no. She was going to cry and give me a soppy, sober drama speech.
Ring! Ring!
...Thank the Lord.
Ring! Ring!
I snatched the white office telephone off its hook on the wall. "Hello?"
"Hey, Naheka!" said another voice on the other side. "You gotta' come see this!"
"Al? Is that you?"
"Yeah, who else would it be?"
"...Joe said that you were taken captive by Mary-Sues and that you wanted to remain in the hospital for a few more weeks. He said you claimed that you were 'dying and needed special attention'." Silence was the only reply. "...Heh. Drama-Wraith."
"HEY!" screeched Al. I had to hold the phone a few inches away from my ear to bear the noise level. "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I OUGHTA' GET DOWN THERE AND FLING A WATER BALLOON AT YOU OR SOMETHING! WHY I--"
As the prank-happy Nazgul continued ranting about how he was going to make the rest of my life miserable for mocking him, I put my hand over the reception and looked over to the Sue-Author, who seemed disappointed to have her act canceled. "Hold that thought," I told her. Then, I went back to the rabid Rider. "Shut up, Ulaer! What were you saying earlier?"
Al stopped screaming abruptly. "Huh? Oh! Your fic brought Reviews in by the landslide! Everyone believes that you just made up a good story!"
I felt my face go white. "But it wasn't made-up."
"People think it is."
"I GOT CHASED BY A DAMN BOULDER AND TORTURED BY MARY-SUES FOR GAWDSAKES!"
"You were tortured by the Mary-Sues?" asked the Author behind me. I nodded. "How? They aren't supposed to hurt innocent people!"
I was about to say something crass concerning Sues, but instead, I shook my head. "No one is innocent."
Al chuckled on the other side. "Well, if you want to pay a visit to the first row, you'll note that your story has made up quite the total. Have a good day! Ah! And don't look up because I'll be tossing chicken feathers and glue on your head, later."
"Thanks, Al," I said, remembering that I had a stone brick under my desk that could be put to good use. "I'll... remember that."
As I hung the phone up onto the wall (and peered under my chair for that brick) the Author asked me, "Who was that?"
"Ah," I snorted, ducking below and rummaging beneath. "That was Al. He's a Ringwraith that lives for pranking people. He claims that his birthday is April first," I stuck my tongue out in disgust as I found a bag of rotten Lembas Chips in the corner. I tossed it towards the tin garbage can. It bounced off the edge and rolled under Joe's desk. "But the Ringwraiths are probably over a thousand years old, I think, so no one's really sure when they were born as men of Numenor." Oh, gosh. I found a PokeMon manga hiding in the very back of one of my drawers. Dusting the cover off, I continued, "Kinda' sad, really. But I think it's really sad how Sauron totally corrupted them and caused the Numenoreans to do battle with the Valar. Their whole city shrunk into the sea. But I suppose it's not as pathetic as getting yourself drowned by a Fastitocalon. The very idea of those things scare me. All the Corsairs... Hm. Well, I'm just ranting. What's your opinion?"
As I brought myself up to meet the desk top, I saw that the Author looked quite confused. "What did you say?"
I was about to apologize for probably pronouncing a term wrong, but the known fact that she probably hadn't read got to me. "A bunch of stuff that I've read in books and off the Net. I have a dictionary, and bestiary, an atlas, a--"
"You've read all those books?" gasped the Author.
I waved my hand and shook my head. "No, no. Sadly, I haven't been able to get access to many of the actual books explaining Ea's history. And besides, even if I could, I'd never be able to understand it all. I had just the hardest time understanding some of the phrases in The Silmarillion. I think I'm a bit too-"
"The Sillywhu?"
Silly? Argh. Must seek and destroy--no. "The Silmarillion. I guess you could compare it to the Bible, but it explains the history of the elves more than anything else."
She looked intrigued. "May I see it? Do you have a copy handy?"
"Sure." I got up and walked over to Joe's desk, kicking the Lembas Chips farther under his desk; he'd find it later. A neat set of books sat on the right, held up by book-ends shaped liked palantiris. I took the first volume out. It was a paperback testament with a copper-golden front and 'THE SILMARILLION BY J.R.R. TOLKIEN' in silver script. A graphic of an exploding building was the main feature. I handed it to the Author. "Here ye' go."
She took it in her hands, and thumbed through half the book before handing it back to me and saying, "It's too long. It looks boring. I don't want to read it."
My back became stiff again as my right eye narrowed, taking the book back into the folds of my arms. "It only seems that way to those who haven't the disposition to appreciate good literature."
She raised an eyebrow. "You're like Snape from Harry Potter. I wrote an LOTR crossover with that. Legolas fell in love with a half fairy, half elf witch at Hogwarts. It's one of my favorites!... What's wrong? Why are you twitching like that?"
"Said the girl who needed to get a firmer grip on reality," I muttered, but in a tone that would be fit to tell 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears' to small children at a library. "But she decided to ignore other people's advice and continued to write fanfiction that needs help." I fell back into my chair and grinned devilishly at her. "And then, all hell broke loose!"
"I think you're the one who needs help," said the Author uncomfortably.
I sighed. "Ai... Well, I'll make a deal for you." I stood from my seat and looked down at her. "I will personally help you form better plots and 'Beta-Read' your work if you agree to listen to me." She looked unconvinced. "It will pay for redemption of your sins, and it is also a favor that I ask of you since you are apologizing to me." I put a hand up. "Deal?"
The Author paused for a moment, brooding on the acceptation or denial of this offer. I stiffened again. Then, she looked up and smiled. "Fine then." She took my hand and shook it. "Deal."
"Great!" I clapped my hands together and smiled. "Now, just where to start. Where to begin, where to begin, where to begin.... Oh!" I grinned sheepishly. "What's your penname?"
"My penname is Sindaavarwen Lunastar. My OC shares the same name, too."
"...Right there."
Author's Note:
So sorry for the week long delay! I got a block period... and... yeah. But I've finally gotten out of it and forced it out into a chapter of a suitable length. All Authors will reappear in the next chapter. I think there are only two more chapters left after this one. Wow! Thirty chapters! That's a record for me! ^_^
Have a blessed and happy Easter!
~Naheka
The File Cabinet
"It's been a week since I last saw you. You and the others had been smashed by the rolling boulder--"
"No. Our Mary-Sues came and saved us, valiantly indeed."
"At least she didn't try to go dramatic and lay her life down without a good reason."
"She was going to, but I told her that she needed to support Legolas."
I sighed angrily and nabbed Joe's laptop off of his desk. Punching in a couple characters, I showed her the first page of the LOTR fanfiction. "Here," I pointed once, "here," twice, "here," thrice, "here," four times, "here," five, "here," six, seven, eight, nine, and all the way to twenty-seven I pointed, "and here... are all the spots that a woman has the exact same sort of relationship with Lego-sama."
The Author pawed her toes timidly on the carpet as she hung her head. "Don't tell me you knew that already."
In reply, she slowly looked up and stared anxiously at me. "You're one of those scary Flamer people, aren't you?
Oh, how I had prepared for this very day. My fists clenched on my lap as my back straightened and stiffened, poised and ready for attack. "I apologize, miss, but I believe that you have your terms mixed up. I do not Flame, I give critique. Although my expectations are set for a mature and serious disposition for all serious pieces of fanfiction, apparently there are many writers who do not meet it. I have often wondered to myself why people have been so stupid as to share anything when they truly are not mentally ready for the consequences that they must render."
"...You've been practicing this little speech thing, haven't you?"
"For the last six months in my head. I haven't slept decently since."
"Oh."
"Anyway..." I rose from my chair and paced slowly to the other side of the room. Luckily for me, I have had actual experiences with reprimanding people personally, so I kept with my usual threatening stance: hands loosely behind your back, wide paces, and step with your heel and roll to your toe, careful to keep them under a specific height. Head down, but eyes up, alert, and concentrated. Never lose the energy that runs through your body, for one slip may send for a tsunami.
"What are you here for, anyway?" I asked, stopping at the corner of my desk.
"I came to apologize."
The enemy was feeling shame. Bwahahahaha. "Yes. Perhaps you do owe one."
She rose from her seat and took a deep breath. Oh no. She was going to cry and give me a soppy, sober drama speech.
Ring! Ring!
...Thank the Lord.
Ring! Ring!
I snatched the white office telephone off its hook on the wall. "Hello?"
"Hey, Naheka!" said another voice on the other side. "You gotta' come see this!"
"Al? Is that you?"
"Yeah, who else would it be?"
"...Joe said that you were taken captive by Mary-Sues and that you wanted to remain in the hospital for a few more weeks. He said you claimed that you were 'dying and needed special attention'." Silence was the only reply. "...Heh. Drama-Wraith."
"HEY!" screeched Al. I had to hold the phone a few inches away from my ear to bear the noise level. "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I OUGHTA' GET DOWN THERE AND FLING A WATER BALLOON AT YOU OR SOMETHING! WHY I--"
As the prank-happy Nazgul continued ranting about how he was going to make the rest of my life miserable for mocking him, I put my hand over the reception and looked over to the Sue-Author, who seemed disappointed to have her act canceled. "Hold that thought," I told her. Then, I went back to the rabid Rider. "Shut up, Ulaer! What were you saying earlier?"
Al stopped screaming abruptly. "Huh? Oh! Your fic brought Reviews in by the landslide! Everyone believes that you just made up a good story!"
I felt my face go white. "But it wasn't made-up."
"People think it is."
"I GOT CHASED BY A DAMN BOULDER AND TORTURED BY MARY-SUES FOR GAWDSAKES!"
"You were tortured by the Mary-Sues?" asked the Author behind me. I nodded. "How? They aren't supposed to hurt innocent people!"
I was about to say something crass concerning Sues, but instead, I shook my head. "No one is innocent."
Al chuckled on the other side. "Well, if you want to pay a visit to the first row, you'll note that your story has made up quite the total. Have a good day! Ah! And don't look up because I'll be tossing chicken feathers and glue on your head, later."
"Thanks, Al," I said, remembering that I had a stone brick under my desk that could be put to good use. "I'll... remember that."
As I hung the phone up onto the wall (and peered under my chair for that brick) the Author asked me, "Who was that?"
"Ah," I snorted, ducking below and rummaging beneath. "That was Al. He's a Ringwraith that lives for pranking people. He claims that his birthday is April first," I stuck my tongue out in disgust as I found a bag of rotten Lembas Chips in the corner. I tossed it towards the tin garbage can. It bounced off the edge and rolled under Joe's desk. "But the Ringwraiths are probably over a thousand years old, I think, so no one's really sure when they were born as men of Numenor." Oh, gosh. I found a PokeMon manga hiding in the very back of one of my drawers. Dusting the cover off, I continued, "Kinda' sad, really. But I think it's really sad how Sauron totally corrupted them and caused the Numenoreans to do battle with the Valar. Their whole city shrunk into the sea. But I suppose it's not as pathetic as getting yourself drowned by a Fastitocalon. The very idea of those things scare me. All the Corsairs... Hm. Well, I'm just ranting. What's your opinion?"
As I brought myself up to meet the desk top, I saw that the Author looked quite confused. "What did you say?"
I was about to apologize for probably pronouncing a term wrong, but the known fact that she probably hadn't read got to me. "A bunch of stuff that I've read in books and off the Net. I have a dictionary, and bestiary, an atlas, a--"
"You've read all those books?" gasped the Author.
I waved my hand and shook my head. "No, no. Sadly, I haven't been able to get access to many of the actual books explaining Ea's history. And besides, even if I could, I'd never be able to understand it all. I had just the hardest time understanding some of the phrases in The Silmarillion. I think I'm a bit too-"
"The Sillywhu?"
Silly? Argh. Must seek and destroy--no. "The Silmarillion. I guess you could compare it to the Bible, but it explains the history of the elves more than anything else."
She looked intrigued. "May I see it? Do you have a copy handy?"
"Sure." I got up and walked over to Joe's desk, kicking the Lembas Chips farther under his desk; he'd find it later. A neat set of books sat on the right, held up by book-ends shaped liked palantiris. I took the first volume out. It was a paperback testament with a copper-golden front and 'THE SILMARILLION BY J.R.R. TOLKIEN' in silver script. A graphic of an exploding building was the main feature. I handed it to the Author. "Here ye' go."
She took it in her hands, and thumbed through half the book before handing it back to me and saying, "It's too long. It looks boring. I don't want to read it."
My back became stiff again as my right eye narrowed, taking the book back into the folds of my arms. "It only seems that way to those who haven't the disposition to appreciate good literature."
She raised an eyebrow. "You're like Snape from Harry Potter. I wrote an LOTR crossover with that. Legolas fell in love with a half fairy, half elf witch at Hogwarts. It's one of my favorites!... What's wrong? Why are you twitching like that?"
"Said the girl who needed to get a firmer grip on reality," I muttered, but in a tone that would be fit to tell 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears' to small children at a library. "But she decided to ignore other people's advice and continued to write fanfiction that needs help." I fell back into my chair and grinned devilishly at her. "And then, all hell broke loose!"
"I think you're the one who needs help," said the Author uncomfortably.
I sighed. "Ai... Well, I'll make a deal for you." I stood from my seat and looked down at her. "I will personally help you form better plots and 'Beta-Read' your work if you agree to listen to me." She looked unconvinced. "It will pay for redemption of your sins, and it is also a favor that I ask of you since you are apologizing to me." I put a hand up. "Deal?"
The Author paused for a moment, brooding on the acceptation or denial of this offer. I stiffened again. Then, she looked up and smiled. "Fine then." She took my hand and shook it. "Deal."
"Great!" I clapped my hands together and smiled. "Now, just where to start. Where to begin, where to begin, where to begin.... Oh!" I grinned sheepishly. "What's your penname?"
"My penname is Sindaavarwen Lunastar. My OC shares the same name, too."
"...Right there."