~Sane~

Alone...

So alone...

I'm lying here on my bed, you lying just a few feet away, and the others in rooms right next to ours, yet I sill feel like I'm alone... And I am. At least, where it counts..

Your steady breathing soothes me into relaxing, though not everyone is quite as skilled as you are when it comes to slowing one's breathing rate down enough to fall asleep. Unfortunately, some of us are human. All I can do is lie here awake, and think. And it hurts... it hurts a lot. You see, you can't have a mask in your mind...

Still, it's funny you know... A emotionless bastard like you is what I need... You are the most solid thing in my life, now.. you, of all people. Yes, it's quite funny if you think about it...

The other pilots... They are my group... my new gang, if you will... I care for them all... I think Solo would be proud of me... at least, if he didn't know about what happened to his old gang, anyway. I was supposed to take care of them... I let you down there, Solo..

I hate this part.... it happens every time I am alone... The screams... all of them... I never told anyone this, but I remember each one... It's exact pitch... how it starts loud and dwindles out, or how it is mixed with the sound of wild sobs and tears... The children screamed that day... I saw it on their charred faces... stretched out in horror...I knew a lot of them... some of them were even part of the old gang... Each one was my fault... and I wasn't there to save them... but then, neither was God... It's funny how he is never there to protect the innocent, yet people still flock together like mindless animals to sing his praises... but no one praises me... I wonder... Did you know he used to be the solid thing in my life? But, that was before the screams started..

They haven't stopped.

You're the perfect one... Do you hear the screams? I've been hearing them nonstop since that day, and they've gotten worse. I sometimes want to... I don't quite know what I want to do... It's all you can expect as a soldier, I suppose. Or as a god.... a god that causes the screams...

All I ever wanted was to save lives...

All I can do is take them...

....

I never told anyone this, but I'm afraid of death... Ironic isn't it? I, of all people, am afraid to die. Every time you or one of the others are in danger..I get so afraid...so scared that one of you will leave me... I'm not sure if the others know, but I'm fairly sure you've figured it out. It would be deeply disappointing if you hadn't. You saw me that night... I turned away from the bullet... and I am ashamed.. I was weak in front of you.. a coward.. You never did like weakness... and neither do I. That wasn't the first time, or the last, for that matter, that I acted this way.

I guess my fear is the reason I became the God of Death... Death can't die, right? A god can choose fate? Now, I get to decide who lives and who dies.. I guess this is how it'll have to stay... at least until the war is over. It's a fragile thought that I balance on, but it's the path I've chosen, so how can I complain? I'd say, under these circumstances, that position of power suits me just fine... Shinigami... A joke, but only I understand it.

Your breathing rate has changed.. you're awake... I can feel your eyes on me... that burning cobalt gaze directed toward me, as if trying to pierce through my very soul, so that you may find whatever that is you're looking for.

I've go news for you Heero... you can't see through a soul that doesn't exist.

Attempting to disregard your presence doesn't work. I can feel my back tingling at the points where your eyes are resting. You aren't the type to be brushed off...ever. Where my mask is one of idiocy that can be ignored, yours is more like...one of grave seriousness and focus... like if you're too busy with a mission, you don't have time to show feelings or think about your past.

Oh, yes, Heero. I see right through you... When you have a mask as intricate as my own, you also seem to have the unique ability to work through the masks of others...Heh.. I think that you really feel, no matter how stoic you make yourself out to be. I also know you're not perfect, I never thought you were, despite the title bestowed upon you.

Finally, I roll over so that we are facing each other. Your eyes... so cold... I can feel them studying my facial expression, now seemingly serious and wistful, I'm sure. I always look that way after thinking about my past, and my exhaustion prevents me from putting on a convincing smile. And for once... just once, I let my pain and anguish show show on my face.

I will you, my 'rock', to crumble under the force of the despair in my eyes...

I will you to abandon me... just like God did...

I will you... because I don't need someone who can't handle my problems to be the one I depend on for sanity.

"Problem, Yuy?"

Your eyes... they go wide slightly from surprise, I notice immediately. Disappointing. Even you, the amazing Heero Yuy couldn't see through my mask. You didn't realize something besides the baka you thought you knew was there... Didn't your Doctor include that in your training? How to look into a person's eyes and see through their front? No, of course not. You deal with facts and statistics... Or maybe it's just because I hide things so well, that you couldn't see. Slowly, I roll over again, turning my back to you.

Another superficial relationship... Oh, well... It's still rare that I let anyone see the real me.. Only logical that people can't handle it, so used to the cheery exterior.. Still, I had hoped that you would be the one to help me.. I had even thought I felt something for you... Like we could have been more then just teammates...more then friends... Laughable, right? It would have been stupid anyway... Even I know that after the war is over, I'd be an emotional wreck... I'm already an emotional wreck... I would just drag you down with me..

But it hurts...

It hurts to be alone...

Breaking the silence, I hear your bed squeak slightly..but I pay it little mind. Probably just turning away from me, for I don't hear you move again...

Time passes slowly now, and I curl myself into a ball... The quiet is bringing the screams back... and the blood... I can smell the burning flesh.. the screams and the pools of crimson.. Buildings crumbling, explosions... at my hands.. My hands... so stained with that blood... The lives of thousands taken by me... Hell, I'm only fifteen, for god's sake! If I survive this, I'll have the rest of my fucking life to live with them.. They haunt me still... Soldiers... Civilians... Children... Friends...

Friends... Real friends who know me... I haven't had one of those in a while.. Seems like, whenever I get one, they die... Hm.. Well, then, maybe it was a good thing you failed the test after all...

I sigh softly, then chuckle ruefully... Here I am wallowing in self-pity... Do I really have time to do this? To torture myself inside..? I feel like I should be doing something more... Something to protect the people of the colonies.. But, I can't, there's no mission.. What I really should be doing is sleeping now, but I can't stop thinking of the people... The very people that I kill for.. The very people who can't decide if they love us or hate us.. The very people I want so much to save...

Yep, it's official. I'm insane. That's the only possible explanation, 'cause I know I'm not a hero.

"Ok, what the hell is wrong with you," your oh so familiar deep voice jarrs me from my thoughts.

I unconsciously roll my eyes. Harsh, and right to the point.. Just like you.. Rolling over, I see your blazing eyes staring at me again, and I feel surprised not to have noticed them earlier. My mouth feels dry and stale, but I still manage to utter a reply,

"Nani?"

"What is your problem?"

Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

"Nothing…too important." to you, anyway.

"Then why did you look at me like that?"

"Like what?"

I saw your eyes narrow slightly, obviously irritated. If I had been sitting up, I would have shrugged. I don't mind if are frustrated with me. If I did, then I would be upset too often. You can't know me, or concern yourself with me. Anger, irritation, or annoyingly grave are the only real emotions I manage to get from you. Who am I to expect anything more?

"Sometimes you are too much of a baka for your own good."

Wow… Good one, Yuy. It isn't like you say that to me all the time...

I grin, "Why should you care? I was being quiet; I didn't bother you."

Your mouth opens slightly, then closes again to glare at me, before you growl and manage to grunt out something I had never expected to hear from you, "I care."

My eyes go wide, as if you had physically struck me. You might as well have. Staring back at you, I see your expression hasn't deterred from that serious, eyes forceful and mouth grim, look you love to give everyone. It was as if you hadn't said anything to me at all, let alone something that made my heart skip a beat and my mind to draw a blank.

I open my mouth to speak, though I had no real idea on what I would say, but you have already rolled over again. You've shocked me, Heero, and I'm supposed to be the master of stealth… Perfect Solder my ass…What are you, really, that gives you the power to do this to me…?

Finally, I manage to find myself again, "You never fail to surprise me, Yuy…"

"Hn," was all you grunted in reply, "You're one to talk."

I smile thoughtfully and mutter softly, though it's only to the back of your head, "I suppose… you're right."

I glance in your direction once again before rolling on my back, and staring at the ceiling in the new silence. I sigh, expecting the screams to renew themselves at the main place in my brain. But, for some reason, your voice was the sound I heard repeated in my thoughts… 'I care'… The painful screams were merely a soft hum in comparison…

Ok, so maybe I am a total wreck… A lost cause… Maybe I could never truly feel for someone or care about someone ever again, but then again…

You are my rock, Heero. So, since you still seem to care... since you haven't left yet… maybe there is hope for me..

…through you.