Disclaimer: Sorry, I do not own anything relating to Harry Potter.......that is all.
Chapter 2
Harry came down to breakfast the next morning still batter and bruised due to his intense fight with the not so polite textbook. How he became battered and bruised because of a 1 minute fight that wasn't really intense you say? Well the author does not feel like being in touch with her politically correct self today, so sod off.
Any way's Harry began to fix the Dursley's breakfast as they were already there waiting not so patiently as Dudley was beginning to foam at the mouth because of his lack of 'nutrition'. Harry began to fix Dudley's favorite things consisting of butter, butter, and more butter with a hint of sugar. Uncle Vernon's consisting of lard, lard, and lard, with a hint of anything that isn't green. Yes, those really do live up to their appearance...........being fat that is.
After fixing everyone's plates the TV on the counter automatically turned on, showing 2 newscasters, an old guy looking suicidal and a woman who has the most biggest grin on her face enough to put the Cheshire cat out of business.
"Hello everyone this is Hercuntis Swollen[1]"Camera goes to the old guy who at the moment had a Uzi pointed at his head, he quickly put it away.
"And I'm MeAnus Ishurtin, and we are here to give you a live report. A criminal by the name of Sirius Black has escaped from prison. He was reportedly spotted near London yesterday afternoon at a nearby concession stand buying a hotdog. He was also spotted near McDonalds at Jankin's street(A:N made that street up) and has taken residence at Star motel. The police are still unsure of the criminal's whereabouts. Here is the picture of the felon."
Seconds later a picture of a man showed up on screen. He had long black hair, a narrow face, and deep blue eyes. He was lying down on a mattress in a most seductive manner, showing everything except his most private area. He that look in his eyes that clearly said 'I'm going to fuck you' but that was all in Harry's head.
"If you have any information on this person please call 1-800-000-0001. Need I remind you that Sirius Black is armed and extremely sexy....I think I'm going to kill myself."
"Oh don't kid yourself MeAnus. Anyway's this is Hercuntis and where signing off."
Moment's later gunshot's were heard as the TV clicked off. Harry, who was paying attention to the whole thing wondered why they didn't say what prison he escaped from. Harry shook off that thought and went off to more important things like where is Hedwig, and why rats' die in the most funny way's.
"Everyone, I have an annoucement to make.." Eveyone turned towards Uncle Vernon's direction. "I've recieved a letter from aunt Marge saying that she's coming over tonight and is staying here for the rest of the week, and as for you...." Uncle Vernon pointed at Harry with the spoon full of lard. "I aspect you to ain't not weren't act foolish when she's around." Harry stared at him and just had to ask.
"Ain't, not, wer.."
"You know what I was talking about Boy." Uncle Vernon screamed cutting off Harry's remark applying emphasis to the word boy. The name he bestood apon Harry ever since he came to this seventh layer of hell known as the Dursley's house. Harry suddenly had an idea. The permission slip he had recieved to go to Hogsmead along with his Hogwarts letter that the author so foolishly forgot to mention in the last chapter would be his chance to get Uncle Vernon to sign it.
"And futhermore you are to tell her that you went to Thunkin's school of Bad boys who are Bad, and you better not ain't let anything slip about that other school of yours, do I make myself clear?" Harry's plan began to go into action.
"Well if you say so. I do have to sound convincing, and I just might let something slip..that is if you do something for me." Harry spoke in the most sly way causing Uncle Vernon to act a little nervous.
"Oh, what do you have in mind Boy." Again adding emphasis to the word boy
"Well as you know I've recieved a letter from a certain school, in which came from a certain someone pertaining to a certain place that I need a certain someone to sign this certain slip." Harry was beginning to sound very devious.
"Does this certain someone who gave you that certain slip really need a certain someone to sign it?" Uncle Vernon answer with his own malicious uses of the word certain.
"Certainly."
"Well than I certainly won't sign it." And with that Uncle Vernon went back to eating his meal. Harry who was not going to give up decided to turn up a notch on this little charade.
"Well seeing that this certain person won't sign a certain permission slip for a certain someone, well I guess that certain someone will have to let a certain school slip out of it's mouth and when that certain aunt hears about that certain thing she certainly leave and I am certain she will tell a certain family in which one certain family member would tell a certain boss who will probably fire a certain someone who wouldn't sign a certain permission slip. That I am certain of." Harry answered back rendering Uncle Vernon speechless.
"So will you sign it?"
"Certainly."
***Later when Vernon Brings aunt Marge***
Everyone was seated at the table eating dinner and chatting mildly. This was the worst night that Harry has to experience and what made it worst was that aunt Marge has to stay here for a week. Harry had to sit at the table and endure countless insults from the one and only aunt Marge. Uncle Vernon stared at Harry nervously, hoping he would,'t say anything out of the ordinary and also trying to get Marge to turn away from the subject of Harry.
"So, what school did you sent this boy to?" Aunt Marge asked Uncle Vernon. Marge was feeling a little tipsy after drinking a few martini's that Harry had personaly made for her.
"He's been going to Thinkin's school of Bad Boys who are Bad. The best disciplinary school in England." Vernon spoke with much enthusiam that would clearly convince aunt Marge. Harry was almost convinced........almost.
"Well....serves him right. A boy like Harry needs to go to maximum securiy prison, where he should be locked in the most foul smelling cell and rot. Just like your mother who's rotting in hell right now along with that lowlife husband of hers."
Harry sat there at the table, his face nearly turning red from anger. It was always like this when aunt Marge comes to visit. She basically comes here just to torture him. God why won't she just shut up?! And with that thought Marge just abruptly stopped. Marge was suddening floating in the getting bigger and bigger. Uncle Vernon got up trying to help her down. Harry bolted up from the table and ran up to his room and grabbed his things and headed towards the door. Before opening the door Harry heared a big pop. He headed towards the kitchen and saw a giant twinky floating in midair. Harry stared at it wondering if he really did that. He was expecting her to blow up and pop into little pieces.
"You have to turn her back." Uncle Vernon shouted at Harry eyeing the floating twinky hungrily. Harry knew where this was heading so he refuse to turn her back. What can be more humiliating than being turned into a twinky and being eating by your relatives. He felt that Marge deserved it.
"Please...you....have....to...turn...her..back.." Vernon said while eating the twinky inbetween speaking.
"Sign my permission slip."
"NO! I won't sign it you ungreatful brat." After that Vernon went back to eating the twinky along with Dudley. Angrily Harry grabbed his stuff along with Hedwigs cage with the textbook inside and left out the front door. Harry began walking down the street, the textbook flapping in the cage wildly.
"Well that certainly didn't go the way I planned, that's for certain."
end of chapter 2
"Okay well that's all for this chapter. As you should know I am doing a parody for each chapter, so being that there's only 22 chapters in the third book than I'll do 22 chapters. So please review thanx."
Chapter 2
Harry came down to breakfast the next morning still batter and bruised due to his intense fight with the not so polite textbook. How he became battered and bruised because of a 1 minute fight that wasn't really intense you say? Well the author does not feel like being in touch with her politically correct self today, so sod off.
Any way's Harry began to fix the Dursley's breakfast as they were already there waiting not so patiently as Dudley was beginning to foam at the mouth because of his lack of 'nutrition'. Harry began to fix Dudley's favorite things consisting of butter, butter, and more butter with a hint of sugar. Uncle Vernon's consisting of lard, lard, and lard, with a hint of anything that isn't green. Yes, those really do live up to their appearance...........being fat that is.
After fixing everyone's plates the TV on the counter automatically turned on, showing 2 newscasters, an old guy looking suicidal and a woman who has the most biggest grin on her face enough to put the Cheshire cat out of business.
"Hello everyone this is Hercuntis Swollen[1]"Camera goes to the old guy who at the moment had a Uzi pointed at his head, he quickly put it away.
"And I'm MeAnus Ishurtin, and we are here to give you a live report. A criminal by the name of Sirius Black has escaped from prison. He was reportedly spotted near London yesterday afternoon at a nearby concession stand buying a hotdog. He was also spotted near McDonalds at Jankin's street(A:N made that street up) and has taken residence at Star motel. The police are still unsure of the criminal's whereabouts. Here is the picture of the felon."
Seconds later a picture of a man showed up on screen. He had long black hair, a narrow face, and deep blue eyes. He was lying down on a mattress in a most seductive manner, showing everything except his most private area. He that look in his eyes that clearly said 'I'm going to fuck you' but that was all in Harry's head.
"If you have any information on this person please call 1-800-000-0001. Need I remind you that Sirius Black is armed and extremely sexy....I think I'm going to kill myself."
"Oh don't kid yourself MeAnus. Anyway's this is Hercuntis and where signing off."
Moment's later gunshot's were heard as the TV clicked off. Harry, who was paying attention to the whole thing wondered why they didn't say what prison he escaped from. Harry shook off that thought and went off to more important things like where is Hedwig, and why rats' die in the most funny way's.
"Everyone, I have an annoucement to make.." Eveyone turned towards Uncle Vernon's direction. "I've recieved a letter from aunt Marge saying that she's coming over tonight and is staying here for the rest of the week, and as for you...." Uncle Vernon pointed at Harry with the spoon full of lard. "I aspect you to ain't not weren't act foolish when she's around." Harry stared at him and just had to ask.
"Ain't, not, wer.."
"You know what I was talking about Boy." Uncle Vernon screamed cutting off Harry's remark applying emphasis to the word boy. The name he bestood apon Harry ever since he came to this seventh layer of hell known as the Dursley's house. Harry suddenly had an idea. The permission slip he had recieved to go to Hogsmead along with his Hogwarts letter that the author so foolishly forgot to mention in the last chapter would be his chance to get Uncle Vernon to sign it.
"And futhermore you are to tell her that you went to Thunkin's school of Bad boys who are Bad, and you better not ain't let anything slip about that other school of yours, do I make myself clear?" Harry's plan began to go into action.
"Well if you say so. I do have to sound convincing, and I just might let something slip..that is if you do something for me." Harry spoke in the most sly way causing Uncle Vernon to act a little nervous.
"Oh, what do you have in mind Boy." Again adding emphasis to the word boy
"Well as you know I've recieved a letter from a certain school, in which came from a certain someone pertaining to a certain place that I need a certain someone to sign this certain slip." Harry was beginning to sound very devious.
"Does this certain someone who gave you that certain slip really need a certain someone to sign it?" Uncle Vernon answer with his own malicious uses of the word certain.
"Certainly."
"Well than I certainly won't sign it." And with that Uncle Vernon went back to eating his meal. Harry who was not going to give up decided to turn up a notch on this little charade.
"Well seeing that this certain person won't sign a certain permission slip for a certain someone, well I guess that certain someone will have to let a certain school slip out of it's mouth and when that certain aunt hears about that certain thing she certainly leave and I am certain she will tell a certain family in which one certain family member would tell a certain boss who will probably fire a certain someone who wouldn't sign a certain permission slip. That I am certain of." Harry answered back rendering Uncle Vernon speechless.
"So will you sign it?"
"Certainly."
***Later when Vernon Brings aunt Marge***
Everyone was seated at the table eating dinner and chatting mildly. This was the worst night that Harry has to experience and what made it worst was that aunt Marge has to stay here for a week. Harry had to sit at the table and endure countless insults from the one and only aunt Marge. Uncle Vernon stared at Harry nervously, hoping he would,'t say anything out of the ordinary and also trying to get Marge to turn away from the subject of Harry.
"So, what school did you sent this boy to?" Aunt Marge asked Uncle Vernon. Marge was feeling a little tipsy after drinking a few martini's that Harry had personaly made for her.
"He's been going to Thinkin's school of Bad Boys who are Bad. The best disciplinary school in England." Vernon spoke with much enthusiam that would clearly convince aunt Marge. Harry was almost convinced........almost.
"Well....serves him right. A boy like Harry needs to go to maximum securiy prison, where he should be locked in the most foul smelling cell and rot. Just like your mother who's rotting in hell right now along with that lowlife husband of hers."
Harry sat there at the table, his face nearly turning red from anger. It was always like this when aunt Marge comes to visit. She basically comes here just to torture him. God why won't she just shut up?! And with that thought Marge just abruptly stopped. Marge was suddening floating in the getting bigger and bigger. Uncle Vernon got up trying to help her down. Harry bolted up from the table and ran up to his room and grabbed his things and headed towards the door. Before opening the door Harry heared a big pop. He headed towards the kitchen and saw a giant twinky floating in midair. Harry stared at it wondering if he really did that. He was expecting her to blow up and pop into little pieces.
"You have to turn her back." Uncle Vernon shouted at Harry eyeing the floating twinky hungrily. Harry knew where this was heading so he refuse to turn her back. What can be more humiliating than being turned into a twinky and being eating by your relatives. He felt that Marge deserved it.
"Please...you....have....to...turn...her..back.." Vernon said while eating the twinky inbetween speaking.
"Sign my permission slip."
"NO! I won't sign it you ungreatful brat." After that Vernon went back to eating the twinky along with Dudley. Angrily Harry grabbed his stuff along with Hedwigs cage with the textbook inside and left out the front door. Harry began walking down the street, the textbook flapping in the cage wildly.
"Well that certainly didn't go the way I planned, that's for certain."
end of chapter 2
"Okay well that's all for this chapter. As you should know I am doing a parody for each chapter, so being that there's only 22 chapters in the third book than I'll do 22 chapters. So please review thanx."