SpaceBar Adventures I: Tenkawa Muyo (No Need for Cook-Boy)
by Jemu Nekketsu (jemu99@yahoo.com)
*this is my first try at writing a fanfic. Conception of this horror
was sometime near 6/24/2002. You might need to set word wrap on to read this properly. Sorry 'bout that.*
DISCLAIMER: The Shinji Ikari from NGE appears courtesy of Gainax. If it weren't for them, he wouldn't be here. Nadesico characters courtesy of Xebec. They aren't mine, and they never will be. I'm just borrowing them for my demented purposes. The only thing I own are the characters Bartender and Evang, self-inserts as they stand, and the ideas for this story. There, I've said it. No suing now, OK?
[The scene: a dimly lit barroom, almost empty save for two patrons
sitting on stools near the bartender. Upon closer inspection, it is
revealed that both patrons have brown hair, though different hairstyles.
One appears normal, while the other has his hair standing up, not an
uncommon occurrence in this place. If you really want to be specific,
the customers are Shinji Ikari and Akito Tenkawa. Both are drinking
beer from mugs, and both seem to have big problems, which of course the
bartender notices.]
Bartender: (Walks over to the two) Let me guess, separated at birth,
raised on different planets by scientist parents. Correct?
Shinji: (looks up from his mug) Huh?
Akito: (at the same time) What?!
Bartender: (takes a stopwatch from his apron pocket) Wow, synchronized
responses! You really are brothers, all right. Or at least, clones.
Akito: Like hell! I knew who who my parents were -
Shinji: And so did I. My father is a cold-hearted bastard who was the
reason my mother died.
Bartender: (holding his hands up) Hey, sorry, okay? I see two guys moping over their beers, and it's in the Bacchanalic Oath that I should at least find out what's wrong. Even if I don't want to.
Akito: (puzzled) Bacchanalic Oath?
Bartender: It's the Hippocratic Oath for us bartenders. That's why I'm this nosy toward you guys, beacuase you're my customers.
Shinji: (indignant) Look, I just want to be left alone. Okay?
Bartender: (an omniscient gleam in his eye) That's what you always say.
(To Akito) That sentence ought to be outlawed, you know.
Akito: What do you mean?
Bartender: (another gleam in his eye) I mean this guy here. (Claps a hand on Shinji's shoulder) A female deity asks him what he wants, and he answers "I want to be left alone." Said goddess grants his wish by annihilating every lifeform on the planet, save him and this redhead that he's got the hots for.
Shinji: (in a tone of quiet menace) Take your hand off of me.
Bartender: (takes his hand away) Hey, okay, I was just trying to make conversation here, y'know? Don't pop my head off -
[Bartender never finishes his sentence, as Shinji, with a roar of sudden rage, plants his fist into his face. The punch drops the poor Bartender to the floor.]
Akito: My, my, sensitive are we? (Looks at Shinji from head to toe, then turns back to his drink.)
Bartender: (miraculously back on his feet, looking no worse after Shinji's punch) What would you know of sensitive, Tenkawa Akito, AKA Prince of Daaarrkkhnesss, AKA Mr. I'm-not-the-guy-you-once-knew?
Akito: What's that supposed top mean? (Tries to grab Bartender's neck, but Bartender quickly sidesteps.)
Bartender: (sarcastic and sardonic at hte same time) Tell me, Mr. Tenkawa, how is your wife doing these days. Ooops, you haven't seen her since you rescued her. How silly of me.
Shinji: (to Akito) You're married? What are you doing in this bar, then?
Bartender: (to Shinji) The same thing you always do Shinji: running away.
[Upon hearing this, both patrons look at each other. An unseen communication passes between them, and upon turning back to Bartender...]
Shinji: AT FIELD!
[Bartender is flung against his stock of glasses and bottles. The AT Field destroys the part of the bar caught in its radius. Shattered glass is everywhere.]
Akito: (Leaping at Bartender with his fist extended) GEKIGAN FLARE!!
[His attack connects with Bartender's chest, and a sickening CRUNCH is heard. He pulls back, and Bartender's body slumps to the floor.]
Shinji: (assessing the damage that they've done) Well, that was one way of shutting him up.
Akito: (smiling slightly) Yeah, I guess it was. A lot of fun too.
[A loud BANG! surprises the two. The pilots turn around just in time to see a man in red robes climb up from what appears to be a medieval trapdoor built into the floor. As the man steps up into the light, the two notice that he bears a striking resemblance to...]
Both Pilots: (incredulous)...Bartender?!
[The two of them look back, and sure enough, Bartender's mangled body was still on the floor, amid a sea of spilled wine and shattered glass. Turning back...]
Shinji: Who...? what...?
Akito: Are you...?
???: A clone? (laughs softly) No, I am not a clone. I despise the term. I prefer to be thought of as a vessel.
Akito: Umm, Mr. -
???: My name is Evang. (Waves a hand, and the trapdoor closes quietly behind him)
Akito: Oh. Ah, Mr. Evang -
Evang: Just Evang, Mr. Tenkawa. Nothing more.
Akito: Okay. Listen, Evang, about the property damage, we're sorry -
Evang: (In a frosty tone) But not for the mortal damage to my other self? I'm disappointed, gentlemen. (The last word is said with a sneer.)
Shinji: Well, he started it. (Indicating Bartender)
Evang: (Sarcastic) That's very adult of you, Mr. Ikari. Be that as it may, you had no right to attack him. By the way, when did you two start creating your mecha's shield systems and using them for attack?
Akito: We'll tell you, as soon as you tell us where we are.
Evang: Whatever for?
Shinji: Because you forgot to tell the readers, baka. (Smirks.)
Evang: Oh. (Sweatdrops.) You're, I mean, we're on board the FL SpaceBar, currently holding geo-synchronous orbit over the Philippine island of Luzon.
Shinji: (remembers a geography class) That's somewhere in southeast Asia, right? (Pauses.) You mean, there's still life on the planet?
Evang: Corrrect. Ten points to House Ikari.
Shinji: But... Rei... the Third Impact...
Evang: This is a crossfic. There's a hidden law somewhere that says "Planetary destruction, especially of the Earth, is to be kept to a minimum."
Shinji: But killing all the lifeforms on a planet except for two isn't destroying it, right?
Evang: It is, if it's you and Asuka left to repopulate the planet.
[Akito snickers. Shinji glares at him, but Akito just glares back. This could have gone forever, when...]
Evang: (closes his eyes for a few seconds, then) I sense an imbalance in the force (TM).
Akito: (points to the side) Bathroom's that way.
Evang: I don't mean 'that', you jerk. (Makes a grabbing motion toward Akito's neck, and squeezes.)
[Shinji watches in horror as Akito is lifted off the ground. Akito, meanwhile, is trying to break the mysterious choke on his neck.]
Shinji: Stop it! Let him go! (Starts toward Evang.)
Evang: (cuts his telekinetic grip and lets his hand falls to his side. As he does, Akito, who has turned blue, drops to he floor, gasping.) It appears that I do not share my other's sense of hunor, no?
Shinji: Is he going to be alright?
Evang: Oh, his throat will give him suffering, but not as much suffering as what I felt earlier from the Force (TM).
Akito: (standing up slowly, croaking) What... do you... mean... (winces).
Evang: A ship has entered the SpaceBar's sphere of influence. We are being hailed by it as of now. I must answer it. (Waves a hand, and a visual comm screen appears in front of them.)
[A blue haired woman appears on the screen. Akito suddenly freezes like a deer caught between headlights.]
Yurika: Attention FL SpaceBar. I know my husband is in there, and I would like you to turn him over to me.
Evang: What if I tell you that you are wrong and your husband is not aboard our installation?
Yurika: You can't fool me. That pink Aestivalis you have docked on your staion is a dead giveaway.
Evang: If I refuse? What will you do?
Yurika: (smiling) Then I'll tell Captain Hoshino to fire a Gravity Blast at you. You do have a field of sorts erected around your station, but sensors tell me that it won't protect you from a Gravity Blast.
Akito: (thawing) Yuu... Yurii...
Yurika: (her face assumes a dopey, lovesick look)Akito! Akito is that you! Don't worry my love, I've come to rescue you, like you've done so many times for me!(face turns stern again) So what will it be, Station Master?
Evang: (Pretends to consider possibilities) Well, I don't want to die here in space, so I guess I'll hand him over to you.
Akito: Hah! I'll just Boson jump out of here! I've done it before, I can do it again! (Closes his eyes, and concentrates...)
[AND NOTHING HAPPENS.]
Evang: Ah, ma'am? I thought you might want to know, your husband tried to escape with a Boson jump. (Waves his hand at Yurika's image) I suggest you come aboard and retrieve him.
Yurika: Okay! I will! Wait for me, love! (screen winks out.)
[Akito falls to his knees and starts whimpering.]
Akito:(whimper) I can't run away... Why...
Bartender: Because I linked all four Gap Generators (TM) to the station's Chronosphere (TM), creating a temporal anomaly field that just happens to prevent Boson jumping. (Smiles evilly.)
Shinji: (whipering to Evang) Was that his wife?
Evang: (whispering back) Yes. Yurika Misumaru Tenkawa.
Shinji: I think I now know why he ran away. (Sweatdrops.)
Evang: (laughs) You don't even know half of it.
[The bar doors open, and Yurika walks in, wearing her captain's uniform form the Nadesico-A. Evang stands straight and gives her a military salute, fingertips of right hand to right eyebrow. Yurika ignores him, having eyes only for her errant husband.]
Yurika: AKITO! (Tackles him and sends both of them to the floor.) You're on you're knees, praying for my coming weren't you? I knew it: you do LOVE me! (embraces him tightly)
Akito: Aaaahhhhh! Get her off of me!
Bartender: Ah, sweet love. Brings tears to the eyes, doesn't it?
Evang: Indeed it does. (His eyes are suddenly bright. He rubs his arm in front of his eyes, as if to clear away something.)
Shinji: (belatedly realizes) You're alive, Bartender-san.
Bartender: And I haven't forgotten what you did to me, Ikari. Damn, but that hurt. But soon, you will suffer as Tenkawa is suffering right now. (points to the Tenkawas, still tangled on the floor)
Evang: Attention Nadesico-C. You might want to dock for a while and let your crew board. It looks like your passengers won't be leaving for a while, at least.
Ruri: You mean we can't leave them behind with you?
Evang: Much as we would like to accomodadte you, we can't. We're trying for something PG-13, you see. (Gestures to the couple on the floor.)
[Yurika is apparently trying to eat her husband up bit by bit, while Akito is still trying to get out of his wife's embrace. A few seconds later however, his resistance has been kissed away and he is soon observed to be returning her kisses. His hands have started to roam, first on her shoulders, then lower towards her...]
Bartender: Hey you two! Either stop or get a room, just don't turn this thing into a lemon! Hey! You listening to me!
THE END (for now...)
by Jemu Nekketsu (jemu99@yahoo.com)
*this is my first try at writing a fanfic. Conception of this horror
was sometime near 6/24/2002. You might need to set word wrap on to read this properly. Sorry 'bout that.*
DISCLAIMER: The Shinji Ikari from NGE appears courtesy of Gainax. If it weren't for them, he wouldn't be here. Nadesico characters courtesy of Xebec. They aren't mine, and they never will be. I'm just borrowing them for my demented purposes. The only thing I own are the characters Bartender and Evang, self-inserts as they stand, and the ideas for this story. There, I've said it. No suing now, OK?
[The scene: a dimly lit barroom, almost empty save for two patrons
sitting on stools near the bartender. Upon closer inspection, it is
revealed that both patrons have brown hair, though different hairstyles.
One appears normal, while the other has his hair standing up, not an
uncommon occurrence in this place. If you really want to be specific,
the customers are Shinji Ikari and Akito Tenkawa. Both are drinking
beer from mugs, and both seem to have big problems, which of course the
bartender notices.]
Bartender: (Walks over to the two) Let me guess, separated at birth,
raised on different planets by scientist parents. Correct?
Shinji: (looks up from his mug) Huh?
Akito: (at the same time) What?!
Bartender: (takes a stopwatch from his apron pocket) Wow, synchronized
responses! You really are brothers, all right. Or at least, clones.
Akito: Like hell! I knew who who my parents were -
Shinji: And so did I. My father is a cold-hearted bastard who was the
reason my mother died.
Bartender: (holding his hands up) Hey, sorry, okay? I see two guys moping over their beers, and it's in the Bacchanalic Oath that I should at least find out what's wrong. Even if I don't want to.
Akito: (puzzled) Bacchanalic Oath?
Bartender: It's the Hippocratic Oath for us bartenders. That's why I'm this nosy toward you guys, beacuase you're my customers.
Shinji: (indignant) Look, I just want to be left alone. Okay?
Bartender: (an omniscient gleam in his eye) That's what you always say.
(To Akito) That sentence ought to be outlawed, you know.
Akito: What do you mean?
Bartender: (another gleam in his eye) I mean this guy here. (Claps a hand on Shinji's shoulder) A female deity asks him what he wants, and he answers "I want to be left alone." Said goddess grants his wish by annihilating every lifeform on the planet, save him and this redhead that he's got the hots for.
Shinji: (in a tone of quiet menace) Take your hand off of me.
Bartender: (takes his hand away) Hey, okay, I was just trying to make conversation here, y'know? Don't pop my head off -
[Bartender never finishes his sentence, as Shinji, with a roar of sudden rage, plants his fist into his face. The punch drops the poor Bartender to the floor.]
Akito: My, my, sensitive are we? (Looks at Shinji from head to toe, then turns back to his drink.)
Bartender: (miraculously back on his feet, looking no worse after Shinji's punch) What would you know of sensitive, Tenkawa Akito, AKA Prince of Daaarrkkhnesss, AKA Mr. I'm-not-the-guy-you-once-knew?
Akito: What's that supposed top mean? (Tries to grab Bartender's neck, but Bartender quickly sidesteps.)
Bartender: (sarcastic and sardonic at hte same time) Tell me, Mr. Tenkawa, how is your wife doing these days. Ooops, you haven't seen her since you rescued her. How silly of me.
Shinji: (to Akito) You're married? What are you doing in this bar, then?
Bartender: (to Shinji) The same thing you always do Shinji: running away.
[Upon hearing this, both patrons look at each other. An unseen communication passes between them, and upon turning back to Bartender...]
Shinji: AT FIELD!
[Bartender is flung against his stock of glasses and bottles. The AT Field destroys the part of the bar caught in its radius. Shattered glass is everywhere.]
Akito: (Leaping at Bartender with his fist extended) GEKIGAN FLARE!!
[His attack connects with Bartender's chest, and a sickening CRUNCH is heard. He pulls back, and Bartender's body slumps to the floor.]
Shinji: (assessing the damage that they've done) Well, that was one way of shutting him up.
Akito: (smiling slightly) Yeah, I guess it was. A lot of fun too.
[A loud BANG! surprises the two. The pilots turn around just in time to see a man in red robes climb up from what appears to be a medieval trapdoor built into the floor. As the man steps up into the light, the two notice that he bears a striking resemblance to...]
Both Pilots: (incredulous)...Bartender?!
[The two of them look back, and sure enough, Bartender's mangled body was still on the floor, amid a sea of spilled wine and shattered glass. Turning back...]
Shinji: Who...? what...?
Akito: Are you...?
???: A clone? (laughs softly) No, I am not a clone. I despise the term. I prefer to be thought of as a vessel.
Akito: Umm, Mr. -
???: My name is Evang. (Waves a hand, and the trapdoor closes quietly behind him)
Akito: Oh. Ah, Mr. Evang -
Evang: Just Evang, Mr. Tenkawa. Nothing more.
Akito: Okay. Listen, Evang, about the property damage, we're sorry -
Evang: (In a frosty tone) But not for the mortal damage to my other self? I'm disappointed, gentlemen. (The last word is said with a sneer.)
Shinji: Well, he started it. (Indicating Bartender)
Evang: (Sarcastic) That's very adult of you, Mr. Ikari. Be that as it may, you had no right to attack him. By the way, when did you two start creating your mecha's shield systems and using them for attack?
Akito: We'll tell you, as soon as you tell us where we are.
Evang: Whatever for?
Shinji: Because you forgot to tell the readers, baka. (Smirks.)
Evang: Oh. (Sweatdrops.) You're, I mean, we're on board the FL SpaceBar, currently holding geo-synchronous orbit over the Philippine island of Luzon.
Shinji: (remembers a geography class) That's somewhere in southeast Asia, right? (Pauses.) You mean, there's still life on the planet?
Evang: Corrrect. Ten points to House Ikari.
Shinji: But... Rei... the Third Impact...
Evang: This is a crossfic. There's a hidden law somewhere that says "Planetary destruction, especially of the Earth, is to be kept to a minimum."
Shinji: But killing all the lifeforms on a planet except for two isn't destroying it, right?
Evang: It is, if it's you and Asuka left to repopulate the planet.
[Akito snickers. Shinji glares at him, but Akito just glares back. This could have gone forever, when...]
Evang: (closes his eyes for a few seconds, then) I sense an imbalance in the force (TM).
Akito: (points to the side) Bathroom's that way.
Evang: I don't mean 'that', you jerk. (Makes a grabbing motion toward Akito's neck, and squeezes.)
[Shinji watches in horror as Akito is lifted off the ground. Akito, meanwhile, is trying to break the mysterious choke on his neck.]
Shinji: Stop it! Let him go! (Starts toward Evang.)
Evang: (cuts his telekinetic grip and lets his hand falls to his side. As he does, Akito, who has turned blue, drops to he floor, gasping.) It appears that I do not share my other's sense of hunor, no?
Shinji: Is he going to be alright?
Evang: Oh, his throat will give him suffering, but not as much suffering as what I felt earlier from the Force (TM).
Akito: (standing up slowly, croaking) What... do you... mean... (winces).
Evang: A ship has entered the SpaceBar's sphere of influence. We are being hailed by it as of now. I must answer it. (Waves a hand, and a visual comm screen appears in front of them.)
[A blue haired woman appears on the screen. Akito suddenly freezes like a deer caught between headlights.]
Yurika: Attention FL SpaceBar. I know my husband is in there, and I would like you to turn him over to me.
Evang: What if I tell you that you are wrong and your husband is not aboard our installation?
Yurika: You can't fool me. That pink Aestivalis you have docked on your staion is a dead giveaway.
Evang: If I refuse? What will you do?
Yurika: (smiling) Then I'll tell Captain Hoshino to fire a Gravity Blast at you. You do have a field of sorts erected around your station, but sensors tell me that it won't protect you from a Gravity Blast.
Akito: (thawing) Yuu... Yurii...
Yurika: (her face assumes a dopey, lovesick look)Akito! Akito is that you! Don't worry my love, I've come to rescue you, like you've done so many times for me!(face turns stern again) So what will it be, Station Master?
Evang: (Pretends to consider possibilities) Well, I don't want to die here in space, so I guess I'll hand him over to you.
Akito: Hah! I'll just Boson jump out of here! I've done it before, I can do it again! (Closes his eyes, and concentrates...)
[AND NOTHING HAPPENS.]
Evang: Ah, ma'am? I thought you might want to know, your husband tried to escape with a Boson jump. (Waves his hand at Yurika's image) I suggest you come aboard and retrieve him.
Yurika: Okay! I will! Wait for me, love! (screen winks out.)
[Akito falls to his knees and starts whimpering.]
Akito:(whimper) I can't run away... Why...
Bartender: Because I linked all four Gap Generators (TM) to the station's Chronosphere (TM), creating a temporal anomaly field that just happens to prevent Boson jumping. (Smiles evilly.)
Shinji: (whipering to Evang) Was that his wife?
Evang: (whispering back) Yes. Yurika Misumaru Tenkawa.
Shinji: I think I now know why he ran away. (Sweatdrops.)
Evang: (laughs) You don't even know half of it.
[The bar doors open, and Yurika walks in, wearing her captain's uniform form the Nadesico-A. Evang stands straight and gives her a military salute, fingertips of right hand to right eyebrow. Yurika ignores him, having eyes only for her errant husband.]
Yurika: AKITO! (Tackles him and sends both of them to the floor.) You're on you're knees, praying for my coming weren't you? I knew it: you do LOVE me! (embraces him tightly)
Akito: Aaaahhhhh! Get her off of me!
Bartender: Ah, sweet love. Brings tears to the eyes, doesn't it?
Evang: Indeed it does. (His eyes are suddenly bright. He rubs his arm in front of his eyes, as if to clear away something.)
Shinji: (belatedly realizes) You're alive, Bartender-san.
Bartender: And I haven't forgotten what you did to me, Ikari. Damn, but that hurt. But soon, you will suffer as Tenkawa is suffering right now. (points to the Tenkawas, still tangled on the floor)
Evang: Attention Nadesico-C. You might want to dock for a while and let your crew board. It looks like your passengers won't be leaving for a while, at least.
Ruri: You mean we can't leave them behind with you?
Evang: Much as we would like to accomodadte you, we can't. We're trying for something PG-13, you see. (Gestures to the couple on the floor.)
[Yurika is apparently trying to eat her husband up bit by bit, while Akito is still trying to get out of his wife's embrace. A few seconds later however, his resistance has been kissed away and he is soon observed to be returning her kisses. His hands have started to roam, first on her shoulders, then lower towards her...]
Bartender: Hey you two! Either stop or get a room, just don't turn this thing into a lemon! Hey! You listening to me!
THE END (for now...)