SpaceBar Adventures 5
By James Evangelista
If this looks ugly on your monitor, try opening it with a text editor and activate word wrapping. It'll help, trust me.
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Ruri: Finally, after beating around the bush for four episodes, the author has at last gotten around to sending the Nadesico-C toTokyo-3, where rumor has it that something might be done to restore Akito to normal. Thanks to some rather vague details about my ship's dimensions, we were able to fit a 40-meter purple robot into the Aesti hangar. We made the acquaintance of a blonde, chain-smoking scientist who seemed to be getting along surprisingly well with Ines, and also of the purple robot's brown-haired, impulsive, gynophobic pilot. Lapis says that she thinks the new pilot is cute, and I find myself agreeing with her. Oh well, I guess we're both idiots.
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INSERT OPENING THEME AND MOVIE HERE: Burning Angel's Thesis. What, you mean there isn't--? Okay, just take the Nadesico opening video and have Cruel Angel's Thesis play in the background. Sheesh.
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DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters here, except for Jemu, Evang and BOS (Brain Of Spacebar). Xebec would probably fire a Gravity Blast at me if I claimed the MBN characters as my own, while Gainax would drop an N2 mine on my house if I try to do the same with the NGE people involved in this work. So please, lower your fields and power down your weapons. Also, the lyrics that appear in this work are not mine. They are owned by whoever it is that owns Nadesico, Evangelion, and Mazinger Z. Nobody owns Harrison Pot-maker and Mage Trackers, right?
THE SCENE: A snack bar/ video arcade, with very garish lighting. Noticeable are the titles on the game machines: Alley Warrior EX V, Innocent Gear XXX, Tekuno-Manza, Dead or Undead 3, Cupcom vs. SNM 2, Queen of Warriors 2001, to name a few. The bar boasts of a wide array of soft drinks, with such names as Croke, Pixie, Preppsie, 1-UP, and Meows Root beer.
In short, a perfect place to lure in teenagers and young adults and relieve them of their extra (and sometimes not so extra) cash. So far, though, on this wonderful Saturday morning, it hasn't claimed any victims yet. This fact has not escaped the notice of the operator/caretaker/owner of the establishment. With a sigh, he stands up. "Might as well set up the billiard tables and get some practice," the man mutters to himself.
Suddenly, the doors of the establishment whoosh open, admitting three youngsters. Turning toward the sound, the owner greets his first customers.
???: Good morning, boys, and welcome to the Wreck Room. I'm glad to see that young people still go out and frequent arcades, in this age of on-line gaming and cable TV. But this is no ordinary arcade; it's also a snack bar. So, what can I do for you? Video games, food, and if you'd care to wait, a billiards table...
Touji: Nah, don't bother yourself with the tables, sir. We're here for --
Kensuke: Touji, look! Virtually On 4! And they've got 4 consoles AND the pilot card machine! I don't believe this! (Drags Touji over to said machine.)
Shinji: Um, so do we use tokens or coins?
???: The moneychanger is that way. (Points toward the east wall.)
Shinji calls out and informs the other two stooges of this. Touji responds by pulling Kensuke away from the game machine ant toward the moneychanger. Meanwhile, Shinji turns back to the owner.
Shinji: Excuse me, sir, but your voice sounds familiar. Have we met somewhere before?
Jemu: Of course we have. Do you remember, sitting in a bar, nursing a beer, flinging the bartender to the wall with an AT Field?
Shinji: It can't be! Jemu-san, is that really you? But, the SpaceBar, it's in orbit, right? How did--
Jemu: (Goes into his lecturing mode.) The SpaceBar floats on a sea of hammerspace and high improbability. That's why it exists in all ani-verses, each in different forms. For example, in Akito's 'verse -- you remember him? Tall, spiky brown hair, stupid black triangle on his face? Well, in his 'verse, the SpaceBar appears to be an observation / garrison post on the edge of the Solar system. A first line of defense against invaders, as it was. In your case, the SpaceBar, or rather, the SpaceBar's recreation room, manifests as this cool joint where you can play and eat when you're not doing anything.
Shinji: But what happens when two ani-verses come into contact with each other? Like what has been happening for the last four episodes, for example?
Jemu: Keep reading and you'll find out.
A cry interrupts their conversation.
Kensuke: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGH! Alright, how about best of 9, and I change my Virtual Droid?
Touji: Bring it on, loser. Personally, I'm glad to see the Law of SuperBot vs. Real-Type Bot applies in this game.
Shinji: (Calling out.) And what does that law say?
Touji: It simply states that if a smaller, faster 'Bot gets hit by the chest-mounted or shoulder-mounted weapon of a heavier-armored, larger, slower 'Bot, the chances of the smaller 'Bot surviving is pretty much close to nil.
Kensuke: So that's why you always pick the Heavy Battle Droids in games like this.
Touji: That, and running around too fast makes my head spin. The lightest ones I'll ever use are Heavy Scout/ Scout Hunter types. Really, light, small units have no place in this game.
???: Care to put your money where your mouth is?
As one, the four turn to look at the newcomer. Then Jemu lets a small smile alter his features. Shinji, on the other hand, could barely contain his surprise.
Shinji: Tenkawa-san!
Kensuke: Another friend of yours, Shinji?
Touji: Hey, mister, aren't you too old to be playing games?
Akito: Who're you calling old, boy? I'll have you know I can kick your Virtual butt even if you use the Fully Armored Raycannon Type (FART).
Kensuke: Are you sure about that? I mean, not only is it the most powerful unit in the game, it's also a hidden character!
Akito: I'm sure. Shinji, we'll talk later after I beat the stuffing out of your friend's Virtual Butt, what do you say?
Shinji: That would be great. Try not to win by a really huge margin, OK? (Grins.)
Touji: Huh. In case you haven't noticed mister, (slides into his 'cockpit') the FART isn't selectable on any of these consoles.
Akito: You put your selector over the Thunder Lotus II, press the right pedal and left fire button while pressing start.
Touji follows Akito's instructions.
Touji: Gee, thanks for putting one foot into the grave, mister. Wow, the FART.
Jemu activates a large, wall-type monitor to show the impending fight on as Akito selects his V-Droid. The wall monitor displays both of their choices.
Kensuke: What the hey? What's an Aestivangelion?
Shinji: A what? (Takes a closer look at the screen.)
Touji: Hey what's this? Weapons unknown? (Starts to sweat a little.)
The fight begins. It takes place in a ruins of what might have been an arena. The arena had two levels, a large pit in the middle connected to a square narrow rim by sloping ramps. Akito's Aestivangelion starts running toward Touji's FART. The three onlookers notice that Touji's V-Droid is easily twice the size of Akito's, possibly larger.
Touji: Hah! Standard procedure for light mech-types: rush in, sting, circle back, repeat until enemy is dead. The counter? (Presses both fire buttons and pedals simultaneously.)Jump up, fire main guns.
Kensuke: He's in for it.
Shinji: Akito?
Kensuke: Is that his name? (Not waiting for a reply.) Then, yes he is.
Akito: (Overhearing the two.) Don't bet on it, kid.
Akito presses both pedals and pushes both sticks forward. The onlookers watch amazed as the smaller robot proceeds to roll, narrowly dodging the twin laser blasts from the larger unit's shoulders. It stops rolling directly beneath the FART, which is just starting to descend from its jump.
Touji: You're dead me-- hey! Where is he? Why does he still have a life bar? A 100% life bar ?!
Akito: This move is called (takes a deep breath, then shots out) GAI... SUPER... UPPER!!! (Presses both pedals, pushes both sticks toward each other while simultaneously pressing all four buttons.)
Shinji, Kensuke, and Jemu watch as the Aestivangelion leaped up, fist extended, an orange aura flaring around it, and gave the FART the mother of all flying/jumping uppercuts.
Jemu: Now that's gotta hurt.
Kensuke: It should. I think it's kind of sneaky, though, attacking the less armored parts of your opponent.
Gai: That's not sneaky, it's called battle tactics! Every good fighter has them! And every good fighter must recognize his most powerful attacks and use it to its fullest to preserve justice and to protect the universe!
Shinji: AAAAACK! (Falls off his stool.)
The fight continues, with the FART picking itself up from its crater and firing a barrage of missiles. The Aestivangelion continued its charge toward the lumbering behemoth, missiles exploding around it.
Touji: How do you like that, huh? Let's see what your life bar says about catching a missile swarm head on. (Short pause.) What the hell? Life bar 90%, ATF 91%, DF 99%? What are all these numbers?
Akito: AT Field 91%, Distortion Field 99%. Maybe I shouldn't have crashed through those missiles of yours. They're bad for my shields and my life bar. Oh well.
Akito's comment made the four onlookers {no, I didn't miscount, there are now four figures watching the fight} look at the life displays on the big monitor. Touji's was hanging at around 40%, while Akito's remained at 95%.
Shinji: 95%? But I heard Akito say that he's down to 90%!
Jemu: I think it's the total health of the unit plus the condition of all its shields that's being shown. Kensuke, I take it that the FART has no shields whatsoever?
Kensuke: Yep. It relies on long range weapons and ablative armor to survive fights.
Gai: Ablative armor? What's that?
Kensuke: It's armor that stops a lot of damage, but peels off rather easily. As a side effect, the less armor the FART has, the faster it moves. That's why the FART has an option to jettison all of its remaining armor to become really fast.
Gai: A robot without shields? Preposterous! No wonder it took that much damage from my Gai Super Napalm.
Shinji: I thought the attack was called Gai Super Upper?
Gai: Details, details. Anyway, Akito is showing good sense, using my attack because it's the most powerful. I always knew that fry-cook would turn out to be a good pilot.
Shinji: You know him?
Gai: Of course! We were comrades-in-arms, until the director decided that my obsession with Gekiganger was no longer funny and killed me off his show. Stupid asshole. No appreciation of classical art.
The other 3 people sweatdrop. They turn their attention back as Touji cried out.
Touji: SHIMATTTAAAAAAAAA!
Akito jumps up, grins hugely, and gives his audience two "V" signs, one on each hand. He then proceeds to salute Touji in the same way as Gai, Jemu, Kensuke, and Shinji watch the replay. It showed the Aestivangelion diving from the sky, dodging a first laser bolt, then a second, then a third, and a fourth, weaving through the air like some big black hornet surrounded by a blue energy sheath, and crashing into a backpedaling FART, sending bits of armor everywhere. The FART slams back, into a statue in the corner of the square pit, and explodes. As its victory animation, the Aestivangelion flies up, and the camera pans to follow it, showing it enter a huge ship and the said ship flies away.
Akito: So, light mechs are worthless, huh? (Poking a finger into Touji's side.)
Touji: Mumble mumble secret character mumble mumble bloody cheater mumble mumble.
Akito: Hey, don't be like that, it was just a simulation.
Akito makes his way toward the bar, only to have 10 years surprised out of his life.
Akito: GAI! Daigoji Gai, is that really you?
Gai: Yes it is, old friend. Sit down, we have a lot of talking to do. But first, you must introduce me to these people.
Akito: Yes, we do. Anyway, this is Jemu, owner of this establishment. (Jemu extends his hand, and Gai shakes it.) This guy who fell on the floor when you popped in so suddenly is Ikari Shinji, and his friends... (Looks to Shinji for an intro.)
Shinji: This is Kensuke, and the big lug who Akito just whipped and is coming over here is Touji.
Jemu: Hey, since we're all here, why don't I throw a party? TO celebrate my first customers, or something.
Akito: That would be cool.
Jemu: Right-o. Stay here while I whip something up from the kitchen.
Akito: Need any help?
Jemu: Nah. You and Gai and the others have that talk you promised earlier. Be back in a flash. (Disappears into a doorway that wasn't there before.)
Akito: Gai, you're alive! I don't believe it!
Shiratori: He's not the only one that isn't already pushing up daisies.
Akito: SHIRATORI! You too?
Shinji: Let me guess, another actor that got kicked off the set?
Kensuke: Probably another Gekiganger buff?
Touji: (Still feeling bad from his loss.) What is this Gekiganger shit, anyway?
Gai: (Gasps, then rises angrily to his feet.) HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF GEKIGANGER THAT WAY!
Akito: (Stands up as well, pointing at Touji.) HEATHEN! BARBARIAN!
Shiratori: (Gathering Gai and Akito behind him.) IGNORANT LITTLE BRAT! DEFAMING THE ALL-POWERFUL ASS-KICKING TRINITY! BELITTLING THE POWER OF ONE THAT IS THREE! IN FRONT OF HIS OWN STAUNCH BELIEVERS NO LESS! PREPARE TO SUFFER!
The three boys' jaws drop to the floor at this display of behavior from the three men.
Akito: THIS BRIGHT BLUE PLANET!(Strikes an old-school sentai pose.)
Gai: THIS LIFE GIVING SPHERE!(Strikes an old-school sentai pose.)
Shiratori: WE'LL PROTECT IT!(Strikes an old-school sentai pose.)
The three boys join their jaws on the floor.
Jemu: Hey, what's this racket all about? (Notices the three still in their silly posturing and three sweatdrops appear on the back of his head. Then he notices the Tokyo-3 kids on the floor, unconscious.) My God, you three (glaring at the Gekiganger nuts) are evil. Look at what you've done the poor children: you've knocked them out senseless!
Shiratori: We are not evil! We are Defenders of Justice!
Gai: And of this beautiful planet Earth!
Akito: That's why we cannot be evil!
Jemu: Right. Whatever. You, Cook of Justice, help me in the kitchen. The rest of you, wake the kids. I don't like anybody sleeping on my dining table. Is that clear?
Without waiting for an answer, Jemu disappears back into the mysterious doorway, Akito trailing after him. Gai and Shiratori try their best to rouse the boys and help them onto the stools, explaining that being guests does not mean one could sleep on the floor before food was served. At the mention of food, the boys recovered immediately.
Gai: Ah, the one thing sure to return a teenager to his normal energetic self.
Shiratori: What? Food?
Gai: That's one of those things.
Shiratori: I thought you said 'the One Thing'?
Gai: Details, details. And what's with the 'One Thing' business? You make it sound like an ancient artifact capable of giving a man enormous power and corrupting his soul in the process?
Everybody, except Gai, groans at this totally unasked-for reference to a literary masterpiece.
Shiratori: Watch it, Daigoji, before the director of this gig decides that you're to annoying to keep around.
Gai: (Sarcastic)Gosh. I didn't know you cared, my Jovian friend.
Shiratori: I don't. But if the director orders his crew to get rid of the Gekiganger nut, they might throw me out as well. Guilt by association, you know.
Gai: Why you stinking son of a lizard--! (Leaps for Shiratori's throat.)
The two are engaged in an earnest fisticuff, with the three teenagers cheering them on, when Akito and Jemu return with platters of food and some glasses.
Touji: Yeah, go get him! Punch his lights out!
Shinji: Who are you cheering for?
Kensuke: The tall one that looks like he just stepped out from some old anime series. You know, one where Earth's only defense against high-tech alien invaders is a team of psychologically challenged individuals and a giant humanoid robot of unknown devastating potential.
Shinji: Help! I'm living in an old super robot series! AARRGGHH! (Holds his head in both hands and wails like there's no tomorrow.) I.... AM..... DOOMED!!!!!
Taking an assessing glance at the situation, Jemu takes the only possible course of action.
Jemu: Akito, there's only one way out of this unforeseen development.
Akito: I know. But we have to do it.
Jemu: Right.
Akito and Jemu: CHOW TIME! COME AND GET IT!
This of course had the expected result of ending an entertaining slugfest and starting a standard pig-out fest. They were methodically destroying the heaps of food on the platter when an owl swooped in.
Jemu: The hell?
Akito: What's an owl doing here?
Shinji: An owl? In Tokyo-3?
The owl flew in a circle over their heads and dropped what appeared to be an envelope on the bar table. It then flew out of the door, never to be seen again.
Shiratori: Look, an envelope.
Touji: I wonder who it's for. Let's see. Hey it's for someone named Jemu.
Jemu: For me? (Takes envelope.) I wonder who it's from.
Gai: Why, don't you have a girlfriend?
Jemu: No comment. (Blushing.)
Shinji: How about a boyfriend?
Jemu: Do you want to be remembered as "Died due to stab wounds inflicted by breadsticks"?
Kensuke: Well, open the damn thing so we can go back to eating.
Jemu tears the envelope open. It is empty.
Akito: Nothing?
Then a loud, thundering voice shakes the room.
???: WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? THE STORY IS NOT MOVING FORWARD, NOT EVEN BACKWARD! IT'S GOING NOWHERE! STICK TO THE PLOT, GADDEMET! BLOODY STUPID PERVERTED WRITER WANNA-BE WITH NO SOCIAL LIFE!
The envelope disintegrates in Jemu's hand, and all is normal once more.
Shinji: Wow.
Kensuke: You can say that again.
Shinji: Wow.
Touji: That was freaky, dude. It's like in that movie about some young mage --
Shiratori: Harrison Pot-maker?
Akito: You know that movie? You've seen it?
Gai: Seen it? Ha! We were in it. At least our voices were. I provided the voice for the talking witches' hat.
Shiratori: And I got cast as the stupid, pedophile ogre they killed in the girl's bathroom.
Touji: Like I was saying, it was that scene in the common dining room.
Kensuke: Yeah, they were all eating and the owls started swooping in from the roof.
Shinji: One of them dropped something to a guy, and it screamed the guy's pimples off of his face.
Jemu says nothing, still staring at something far, far away.
Akito: Jemu? What the heck, he's in shock!
Jemu: No. Not anymore, at least. Sorry about that.
Shinji: What was that about, anyway?
Jemu: Let's eat while I tell you, how does that sound?
Gai: Sounds like a plan. A true hero never neglects to take care of his health.
Shiratori: A true hero never knows if each meal is to be his last.
They resume eating, and Jemu narrates his plight.
Jemu: That was just a friendly wake-up call from my editor.
Gai: Is he firing all of us?
Jemu: No, but if I don't get this thing into shape, I'm the one that's gonna get canned.
Shiratori: We don't want you to suffer that. I know how it feels to be out of a job.
Gai: Yeah, you turn into a seiyuu for talking magical hats. Cripes.
Shinji: What's this storyline the message was talking about?
Akito: Yeah, how does it relate to us?
Jemu: Funny you two should ask. It is two arcs brought together by the Nadesico-C's presence in Tokyo-3. The Nadesico crew are here to get Akito fixed up, back to his normal, cheery self. Shinji has to deal with a vengeance oath or something.
Shinji: I don't know anything that I have to avenge! (Turns to his friends.) Do I have something to get revenge for?
Kensuke: No. I don't know anyone you should hold a grudge against.
Touji: He's right. If someone caused you problems, you usually run away.
Gai: Kind of like cook-boy here, when I first knew him.
Shiratori: Tenkawa, running away? Is this the same Tenkawa that crippled Daimajin? Preposterous.
Akito: We're getting off track here. And that joke is getting to be really old.
Shinji: Yeah, like 4 episodes old.
Jemu: Okay. Here's how we'll address both story arcs. We'll start by grilling Akito.
Akito: Why me? Why not him?
Jemu: Because you come first alphabetically. Now, then, (looks around, making sure everybody was listening) how did the operation go?
Akito: Perfectly. I feel no lingering pain as side effects. And I can now say your cooking is passable for someone who is not as trained as me.
Jemu: Thank you. It's probably nothing, since nobody could mess up instant yakisoba and hardboiled eggs.
Akito: I happen to know three women who could.
Shinji: Your wife being one.
Gai: Wife! You're married!
Shiratori: Let me guess. It was that pretty blue-haired girl-captain, eh?
Akito: Right.
Kensuke: So who are the other two?
Akito: Well, Ruri --
Gai: That little kid with white hair and yellow eyes? She probably spends too much time on the bridge with the Captain if she cooks as well as she does.
Akito: I happen to agree with that theory. And then there's Lapis Lazuli.
Shiratori: She sounds new. Who is she?
Akito: She's this little girl we worked with when the show was over and the producers decided to make a movie afterwards.
Gai: They made a movie after they killed me off? This is UNFAIR! (Breaks into sobs.)
Shiratori: I agree! This is the height of INJUSTICE! (Closes his eyes, clenches a fist, tears streaming down his face.)
Touji: You have some weird friends, if you don't mind my saying so, Akito-san.
Akito: I think it's the strain of being fired. They say they've gotten over it, but deep inside, they still hurt.
Kensuke: I don't want to sound morbid, but what exactly did you undergo? Are you a cyborg now, or something?
Akito: Cyborg?
Kensuke: You know, a human with machines implanted into him.
Akito: (Chuckling.) I'm as much of a cyborg as Gai is. Or my wife, for that matter.
Yurika sneezed.
Ruri: (Looks up from her laptop.)Nee-san, daijobu?
Yurika: Hai. Somebody must be talking about me.
Ruri: Maybe it's Akito.
Yurika: Maybe. I wonder where he is right now.
Lapis: (Entering the room carrying three water bottles.) Maybe he's in a bar with a bunch of guys with mental ages of 15 or so, eating and drinking and telling his new friends about some of your hot dates.
EVERYBODY IN THE WRECK ROOM SNEEZES.
Ruri and Yurika turn to stare at Lapis.
Lapis: Oh, don't mind what I said. It's just little-girl talk.
Ruri and Yurika stare at each other, and nod.
Yurika: Get her! (Brandishing her plastic bottle like some sort of throwing weapon.)
Ruri: That's my line you just stole, you second-rate, trying hard, not-so-clone! (Gets up and runs toward Lapis, wielding her laptop like an axe.)
Lapis Lazuli is one smart girl. Of course she ran.
Meanwhile, back at the Wreck Room.
Kensuke: Wow. You and Gai and your wife are cyborgs? Cool.
Touji: No, idiot. He was speaking figuratively. He really means that they're not cyborgs.
Kensuke: So why not just say it that way?
Touji: They're adults. Go figure.
Akito: Hey, I'm trying to tell a story here!
Shinji: You were about to detail the operation.
Akito: Yes. Time to remove this, then. (Peels off the black triangle form his role as Otika, Badass Former Cook and Optimist.)
Shiratori: It's not polite to ask, but what was that thing?
Akito: It was a device to help me correct my vision, as I was subjected to some nasty experiments in the movie. I lost my senses of taste and smell due to those experiments as well.
Gai: What kind of cruel, diabolical mind would construct and execute such experiments?
Akito: The kind of idiot scientists that we defeated at the end of the movie.
Gai: I hope you gave them hell.
Akito: That I did.
Shinji: So the operation restored those senses to you?
Akito: Yup. All that remains of those horrid experiments are a few nightmares. But that's okay, at least when I do end up screaming in the middle of the night, I have someone close to tell me "It's all right, it's just another bad dream."
Jemu: I'm curious. What exactly did they do to you at NERV HQ?
Akito: Is this the part where the technobabble begins?
Jemu: Yes, it's right here in the script. (Produces several sheets of paper and makes everyone look at the 'Insert technobabble here' part.)
Shinji: And I'd also like to know what was in the canister I had brought back to Earth.
Gai: Probably an embryonic alien life-form which would soon grow into a world-destroying, unstoppable beast. They always start out that way.
Shinji: (Turns pale.) Help! I'm living in an anime show! AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
Kensuke: Touji, help him!
Touji: Okay. (Whaps Shinji on the head.)
Akito: Thanks for quieting him down. To answer both questions, the canister contained stem cells which Doctors Akagi, Fresange, and Ikari morphed into the proper types to try and "fill in" the "holes" in my nervous system.
Kensuke: Cellular regeneration?
Akito: First time I heard of it too. We don't mess around with cells that much from where I come from.
Jemu: I see. And then?
Akito: At first, they were puzzled because I still couldn't receive taste and smell sensations, and my tactile perceptions were also shot. Then Dr. Ikari consulted me, asking if I wanted to proceed and if I did, they would try out a series of untested, unorthodox methods.
Shinji: Sounds like NERV handiwork, alright.
Akito: Anyway, they put me in this cockpit of sorts, and Dr. Akagi said it was a Simulation Body chamber.
Touji: A what?
Kensuke: It's like a training or diagnostic machine. You strap yourself into it and they monitor you as you interact with a simulation of an Evangelion.
Touji: Dude, how do you know all this stuff?
Kensuke: (Smiling evilly, one eye glinting.) I have my sources.
Meanwhile, at the Geofront...
Gendo: Has the leak been found yet?
Hyuuga: No sir. We're still trying to get past all these pop-up firewalls that I don't know how on Earth got into the system.
Aoba: It's weird, is what it is. Like the hacker just asked the MAGI to open up, and they did so quietly.
Fuyutsuki: Possible Angel attack? Another virus Angel?
Maya: Negative, sir. The MAGI would have warned us of even low levels of AT emissions --
Gendo: Unless the system was attacked in such a way that the warning mechanisms were also hit.
Silence fell on the command bridge.
Gendo: Get me Major Katsuragi and Doctor Akagi. Now.
Hyuuga: Yes, sir.
Gendo: And that other smart blonde, the one that came in with the kid wearing a triangle on his face --
Fuyutsuki: Hardly a kid. A young man, maybe in his early twenties.
Gendo: Get her in here as well. We'll get to the bottom of this.
{Okay, that was so NGE. Now back to the lighter parts.}
Kensuke: And some outside help. I'll not name them, because if too many people believed in them, they'd cease to be special.
Shiratori: Believe in what? Ghosts?
Kensuke: No. Pixies.
Shiratori: Pixies. Right. Akito, you were saying?
Akito: They were amazed to find out that while my nervous system was whole, organically speaking, the synapses still couldn't get through, like they were stepping into some manholes or something.
Gai: So what was wrong with you? What's wrong with them, a bunch of worthless geniuses!
Akito: Turns out I was the problem.
Everybody else: HUH?
Akito: I have IFS. (Pulls off his glove and shows the markings on his hand.) These little nanomachines were implanted into me and they made themselves at home with my nervous system. When the experiments wrecked me, I didn't know the nanos also got damaged or destroyed.
Touji: And when NERV tried to heal you, they left the nanomachines behind.
Akito: Sort of like that.
Touji: Finally! Something the all-powerful NERV couldn't do!
Shinji: They probably got freaked out by the nanomachine Angel that attacked once. I guess they developed a phobia of sorts.
Akito: Unfortunately or fortunately, Ines is with them. And probably more than happy to explain about nanotechnology.
The long-haired blonde paused, letting the shower spray form rivulets as the water trickled over her shoulders, down to her, large, attention-grabbing *CENSORED*, further down still flowing across her flat stomach, the indentation of her navel, to the curls guarding her *CENSORED*. She stood like that for a while, oblivious to the water, trying to decide if she was just hearing things. Shrugging, she put her attention back into getting herself clean.
Kensuke: What is the IFS for, anyway?
Akito: The robots Gai and I pilot are called Aestivalis. Some of them have IFS receptacles mounted on them, which allows us better to, um, how do you say this...
Gai: (Standing up and striking a pose.)Become one with the instrument of victory for love, truth and justice!
Shinji: (quietly) Synchronize.
Akito: That's right, synchronize. It was then decided, after learning of the IFS, to reproduce the missing individual nanos. However, IFS comes in to variants, machine-interface and computer-interface. A person can only have one IFS implanted and the closest machine-IFS we had available was --
Jemu: Your wife.
Everybody else turns to look at him.
Akito: How did you guess?
Jemu: Just lucky. So there weren't any side effects of having part of Yurika mesh with you? You didn't lose your culinary powers or your pragmatism for the next 24 hours or something?
"HA-CHOO! That does it, we're looking for him! Get dressed, you two, we'll be leaving the apartment for a while."
"About time. This place is nice, but there's NOTHING to do here."
"We should ask NERV for help. They control the city, after all."
"How did you find that out?"
"Well, it started when Ruri-neesan was looking over this geeky guy's shoulders and his laptop and told him he was doing it all wrong..."
"When was this?"
"Yesterday, when we decided to go for a walk in the park."
"I thought I swore you to secrecy, Lapis."
"But Akito told me one should always tell the truth."
"I'm telling you the truth now: I'm going to kill you."
"Mama!"
Akito: No, I told you the operation was a complete success. Didn't hurt either. I was KO'd most of the time, and when I'm conscious I could see I'm floating in this orange pool of liquid oxygen or something. I knew the operation was finished when suddenly I could taste and smell blood around me, and let me tell you I really wanted out back then.
Shiratori: I would want out too. Breathing something that smells of blood, tastes like blood? Yeeesh.
Gai: So they put some of Yurika's IFS into you and you're whole again, you can taste blood again, you can smell blood again?
Kensuke: Will we please STOP FIXATING ABOUT BLOOD! I'm trying to eat spaghetti here!
Touji: LCL.
Akito: Huh?
Touji: You were floating in LCL. I've tried that once, and it tasted like hell. I ended up barfing afterwards.
Akito: Really? You're a pilot like Shinji, with your own um, Evangelion?
Touji: Was. I can't pilot anymore, not with this arm, and besides, Shinji ripped my unit to pieces.
Shinji: It wasn't me! Touji, man, it was Rei, or at least her clone, controlling that monster! I tried to stop her but...
Everybody is quiet after this outburst from Shinji, who had been sitting silently and eating. A somber mood falls over the party. Jemu decides to do something before his happy arcade develops the aura of a funeral.
Jemu: So, Akito, why are you here, instead of celebrating with your wife and kiddies?
Akito: (Realizing what Jemu is doing and plays along.) I decided to get away from it all: the endless after-operation tests, the white walls, and the bad food --
Jemu: Whoa! (Takes a look around, seeing that everybody is listening in varying degrees to this exchange.) Bad food?
Shinji: (Grinning.) You actually tried NERV cafeteria food?
Kensuke: After a major surgery? Wow.
Touji: (Nodding sagely.) Life is precious, but a second chance at it is worth even more. Don't be stupid.
Shiratori and Gai: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
Akito: Nope, not NERV food, thanks for the warning.
Jemu: You actually ate one of your wife's dishes again?!
Gai: Yurika is that bad a cook?
Jemu: Her, Megumi-the comm girl, remember?-
Shiratori: Ah, the purple-haired girl with a braid. She cooks badly?
Akito: She does, as well as Ryoko.
Gai: Who?
Shiratori: A green-haired Amazon.
Gai: Why don't I know her? I would have enjoyed to meeting her, I adore a woman with spirit.
Shiratori: (Grinning evilly.) That's because she was a replacement pilot for you.
Gai: (Looks upward, towards some invisible gods.) NNNOOOOOOOOOO! (Slumps to the table.)
Akito: I didn't eat her cooking, Jemu. I may be an idiot at times, but I'm not entirely stupid.
Jemu: Okay, I'll give you credit, but whose cooking did you try out and find inedible?
Akito: The girls' cooking.
Everybody else: Eh?
Akito: (Sighing.) Lapis and Ruri's handiwork.
Shinji: What did they prepare, greens-and-chili curry?
At the mention of this, Kensuke and Touji gag and start to turn green.
Akito: (Wincing.) No, it was their rendition of my Tenkawa-Style Special Noodles. But for crying out loud I don't know how a couple of super-geniuses could mess up my very precise instructions. When I served it aboard the Nadesico, everybody wanted seconds!
Gai: Was this their first time to cook?
Shiratori: Maybe they were nervous, then.
Jemu: (Grinning evilly.) Maybe your wife gave a helping hand.
HACHOOO!Hahchoo!Hachoo!
Misato: Are you and your children well, Mrs. Tenkawa?
Yurika: Sorry about that, Major.
Ruri: I apologize as well.
Lapis: Papa-san has probably been talking his head off about us to his drinking buddies in a bar somewhere.
It's the Wreck Room crew's turn to sneeze. And man, seven people falling into fits of sneezing at the same time is a lot of HA-CHOOs.
Misato: A bar, huh? Damn, it has been a while since I went a for a drink and some.
Yurika: So, can you help us? We need a map of Tokyo-3--
Ruri: Preferably one with where the drinking joints and such places are highlighted.
Lapis: And some means of transportation as well. Tokyo-3 is HUGE.
Misato: (Laughing.) I have it! The solution to your problems and mine!
Yurika: Really? You'll give us a map and a car?
Misato: Even better! We'll all go bar-hopping!
Ruri: But what about your paperwork? (Glances at the pile on Misato's desk.)
Misato: To hell with them! They'll just breed and produce more of themselves, and besides, small pile or big pile, I always feel pissed when doing paperwork, so what's the difference?
Yurika: You're right! RETTSU GOO!
Back to the Boys' Night out, AKA the Wreck Room party.
Gai: Hey, Bartender how about another round of grape sodas over here?
Jemu: (Snaps out of his reverie.) Huh? Oh. More rootbeer, coming up.
Shiratori: Not rootbeer, grape soda! Are you feeling well?
Jemu: Yes, I'm just preoccupied. Grapes, coming up at ya. (Turns to fill their order.)
Shinji: Jemu-san, what's bothering you? You were pretty quiet back there.
Jemu: The same could be said of you, you know.
Shinji: I asked first. I get answered first.
Jemu: Okay, if that's how you want it. I was worried that a couple of delicious looking female mercenaries, along with their blonde, tanned muscleman, albino warlock, and hentai squire would pop in anytime soon to arrest me.
Shinji: Eh? What charges?
Jemu: Two counts of necromancy, one count of reality alteration. And this group is mean. From what I've heard, if you don't give yourself up, they'll sic an EVA-sized monster at you that's impervious to everything.
Akito: What's necromancy?
Kensuke: Use of various powers to bring the dead back to life.
Akito: Oh? (Glances at Gai and Shiratori, who were now belting out Gekiganger songs on the karaoke and thus unable to talk right now.) Your Honor, Exhibits A and B.
Jemu: Shhhh! What if they have spies everywhere and they hear you? I'll be a goner!
Touji: But you haven't been performing any dark rituals, right? Unless you did so in the kitchen, in which case you only have one witness.
Jemu: I didn't do anything! Akito can swear to that!
Akito: Yeah, I guess.
Jemu: It's like this place is acting as a magnet for departed characters, man. At this rate, I'm expecting Ryoji Kaji to walk through those doors, order a soda and try to get a song in edgewise between those two. (Glances at the two Gekiganger buffs.)
Shinji: I wish he would. He gives pretty good advice.
Gai & Shiratori: Gan gan ga gan, Victory! Gan gan ga gan, tatakae! Gan gan ga gan, Victory! Gan gan ga gan, tobitate! Shori no V da, Gekiganger V!
A tall figure with a ponytail enters the Wreck Room and takes note of his surroundings. He stiffens in surprise upon seeing Shinji, but recovers then heads straight for the bar.
Kaji: Hello, Shinji. Fancy meeting you here.
Shinji: ...
Kaji: Still the silent type, huh? Bartender, a beer please.
Jemu: Sorry, sir, we don't serve alcohol here.
Kaji: You don't? Oh, well, a diet soda then.
Jemu: Okay. (Hands him a can.)
Kaji: Thanks. (Pops the lid, takes a swig, and makes his way toward the karaoke.) Is this a private party, or are you two guys afraid of a little competition?
Gai: Afraid of competition? Ha! A true man is never afraid of any rival!
Kaji: Then you won't mind if I do this. (Grabs the mike/selector and punches in a song.) Sora ni, sobieru kurogane no shiro...
Shiratori: Looks like thing are starting to get interesting here.
Jemu: Tell me what I experienced did not just happen.
Akito: A prophet! The man is a prophet!
Shinji: I can see it now: Necromancy 3 counts, reality alteration 3 counts, out of character LOTS of counts. Not ot mention forcing said revived people to sing.
Kaji returns to the bar after his song.
Jemu: Eh? Back so soon?
Kaji: I sing a lot longer when I'm drunk. Less self-consciousness, you know.
Shinji: I for one am glad that you're not blasted yet.
Kaji: Oh, how's that?
Kensuke: Yeah, why, Shinji? It would be fun to see Kaji sing, right?
Shinji: I need him sober because I have a big problem. I need his advice.
Touji: You invited us to go arcade-hopping this morning to forget your problems, then?
Shinji: Yes. When Akito's supposedly dead friends came back to life, my hopes lifted.
Akito: Smart. I would too. Get my hopes up, I mean.
Kaji: So, Shinji, what's this problem of yours?
Shinji looks around and notices his audience: Touji and Kensuke, Kaji, Akito, and Jemu. Suddenly, he doesn't feel like asking for help anymore.
Shinji: Uh, it's no big deal, actually...
Akito: Oh, come on. You were waiting for your dead friend to come back, and now he's here, you won't tell him? Jeez.
Shinji: Well...
Jemu: (Pulling something from the small of his back.) Hey, Shinji, remember what this is?
Shinji looks at it and flinches. It's the positron pistol from one of the earlier episodes.
Jemu: Now, the truth please.
Shinji: ...
Jemu flips the safety catch and a shrill whine emanates from the pistol, signalling everybody that the weapon is powered up and ready to fire.
Jemu: Shinji... (Aims the pistol at him.)
Shinji: OkayalrightI'lltellyoupleasedon'tshootIdon'twannadieyetnotbeforei'vehadsexwithsomebodyIcareaboutpleaseplease.
Jemu: Okay. I won't shoot. (Adopting a fake Russian accent.) Now, tell all, comrade, or you get it bad. From start, yes?
Shinji: Start? Ah, it started last night when Aya- I mean Rei showed up at Misato's apartment...
===============
BEGIN FLASHBACK 1
===============
[Knock knock knock]
Asuka: Eh? (Glances at the clock.) 9:30 PM? Now who could that be?
Asuka makes her way to the door and opens it. The answer to her question makes her eyebrows and voice rise.
Asuka: YOU! What are you doing HERE, at this time of the NIGHT?
Rei: Konnbanwa. I am here to speak with the Major.
Misato: (From somewhere inside the house.) Asuka? Shinji? Who is that?
Shinji: It's Rei and she says she needs to talk to you.
Misato: (Walks into the room.) Well, don't just stand there, Asuka. Both of you get in before you freeze to death.
Both girls do as instructed. Asuka is frowning, which is not unusual for her, and Rei, if she noticed it, gave no indication whatsoever. As usual.
Misato: Well, Rei, to what do I owe this visit?
Rei: (Pulls out an important-looking document from her bag.) Here. Maybe the Major would like to read it first.
Misato: Maybe the Major would. (Takes the document and reads it silently.)
Asuka: Well, what does Wonder Girl's letter say?
Misato: That you're going to have to put up with another member in our household, Asuka. Effective tonight, a certain Ayanami Rei's address is now the same as a certain Katsuragi Misato's.
Asuka: WHAT!? Wonder Girl, staying here?
Rei: No. Living here. Starting tonight. Ikari-kun, what's wrong? You look... pale.
=============
END FLASHBACK 1
=============
Kaji: You lucky dog, Shinji! Living in the same house with three gorgeous women.
Shinji: I don't see it as good fortune.
Kensuke: Yeah, once the rest of the school finds out...
Gai&Shiratori: Yume ga asu o younteiru...
Akito: So what happened after Rei moved in with you? She and Asuka started fighting each other over you?
Shinji: No, they didn't...
================
BEGIN FLASHBACK 2
================
Saturday dawn. Shinji didn't bother opening his eyes, his inner clock telling him that the sky was probably a beautiful mix of orange, yellows, and fading purples. What a wonderful day this was going to be, no school, so he could sleep in. Mmmmmm.
Shinji: (thinking.) My blanket seems to be better this morning. Warmer, softer, although a bit heavier. Hmmmm. Smells like the bath when Asuka gets to it first before I do. Interesting. Mmmmhmmm. It also has two heartbeats two help me relax better. Curious.
FREEZE.
Shinji: (Thinking and panicked.)Two heartbeats? Smells like girls' shampoo? Soft and warm? No, it can't be... Dare I open my eyes? I must! Even though I think I know what I'll see, I must not run away!
Shinji opens his eyes and sight fills his mind.
Shinji: I must be hallucinating. Or I'm not really awake yet. This is a dream. Yes, that has go to be it. These couldn't possibly be Rei and Asuka wearing only their undies and smiling at me like a couple of jocks at a drunk cheerleader.
Rei: Did you hear that, Asuka? Shinji-kun thinks he's still dreaming.
Asuka: Then he needs a couple of wake-up kisses, is all.
[INSERT HIGHLY IMPROBABLE SCENE OF ASUKA AND REI KISSING SHINJI IN BED HERE.]
A couple of seconds later he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Asuka notice this and takes advantage, clamping her mouth over Shinji's and exploring it with her tongue. Rei, not to be outdone, proceeds to trace the outline of Shinji's ear with her tongue and slip a hand underneath his shirt. Suddenly, Shinji's body decides that it can't take anymore of these wonderful sensations, and his mind agrees whole-heartedly, causing a simultaneous nosebleed and fainting.
Asuka: Spoilsport. So, what do we do now, Wonder Girl?
Rei: The only thing left to do. Go shopping.
Asuka: Huh?
Rei: It's simple, really. We need to blow away Shinji's mind so that he can't faint dead away while we have our wicked way with him. Apparently, my simple white cotton and your red lacies aren't up to the task. So...
Asuka: We upgrade our arsenal, bring better weapons next time. Sounds like a plan. When do we leave?
Rei: Right after breakfast.
=============
END FLASHBACK 2
=============
Akito: You heard their plans?
Touji: I thought you were asleep or KO'd.
Shinji: I don't know how I heard them. One thing's for sure: if I hadn't sneaked out of the house to collect you and Kensuke, I wouldn't be here with you guys.
Gai: No, probably not. You would have been trapped in a roiling sea of adolescent passion, unable, unwilling perhaps, to escape..
Everyone else at the bar stares at Gai.
Gai: What? Everyone has the right to wax poetic once in a while, right?
Akito: Shiratori, what has he been reading lately?
Shiratori: If I'm not mistaken, a bunch of love-love novels.
Kensuke: The ones with the racy sex scenes in them?
Shiratori: I wouldn't know, I don't touch the stuff.
Gai: Besides it's such a nice euphemism. Would you rather that I said "You would have been an unwilling participant to a raunchy teenage three-way?"
Jemu: He's got a point. Sex is nice, but one shouldn't be crude about it. One must be subtle.
Shinji: Trust me, there wasn't anything subtle about those two's plans.
Kaji: I'm surprised, though. They don't seem the type to do such actions. Granted, Asuka might, but cooperate with Rei and agree to share you? And why are you two here?
Gai: We decided that the only time worth singing is when the Author makes a songfic. Since this isn't one, ergo...
Shinji: So can any of you tell me what I should do?
This causes the adults to fall into a huddle as they try to figure out a way to help a poor beleaguered teenager. At this point, Touji and Kensuke decide to hit the video games again, realizing their friend's need for people who could give sound advice. That doesn't include them, and they know it.
Kensuke: Besides, I don't think it's nice to listen to Shinji flail about his perceived problem when we're making money off of him.
Touji: Yeah. Between those photos of yours and me selling T-shirts with his caricature on them, we should be millionaires by the time we graduate.
Kensuke: I'm telling you, it was freaky when all those girls started asking me to take pictures of Shinji and sell it to them. And the things they're willing to offer! Cash, rare manga,...
Touji: Dates, homework, underwear...
Shinji: YOU BASTARDS! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIENDS!
Kensuke: (Gasps.) Shinji! You didn't just hear that!
Touji: He's right. You were just hallucinating as a side effect from the stress of being chased by two luscious young girls.
Akito: That might explain it for him, but what about us?
It is worth noting at this point that Shinji has turned a bright red, from both mortification and anger. He launches himself at his ex-friends with a roar, but is stopped just in time by Kaji and Gai.
Kaji: No, Shinji, you musn't kill them.
Shinji: WHY? It will make me feel better!
Gai: You don't have time for that because you'll be listening to our words of wisdom.
Shinji: Okay. Let's hear them.
Akito: Being chased aboard the Nadesico by three women, I say this: let them chase you down, then make your hunters pay. The smart predator plays innocent at first, then strikes with swift ferocity.
Kaji: Yours is not a common situation, Shinji. Normally, I'd tell you to let things happen, but seeing as how you're still in school and so are they I say: get a vasectomy or make them undergo ligations.
Gai: That is the most unromantic thing I have ever heard! Don't listen to him, boy: those women WILL get you. It's best to prepare for the worst! Always carry condoms on your person, and consider getting sick with satyriasis.
Shiratori: Or that little blue anti-impotence pill in commercials. What am I saying! Don't sleep with any of them until you sort your feelings out. You wouldn't want the complications.
Jemu: Or, you could have sex with them, but with no penetration.
Shinji: Kiseki wa okoru yo, nando demo... (Glares at Jemu.)
Kaji, Gai, Shiratori, Akito: TAMASHII NO RUFURAN!!!!
Jemu: I know it sounds impossible, but if you can do it, the rewards are great.
Outside, on the streets, a really cramped car is seen approaching the Wreck Room. How cramped?
Misato Yurika and Lapis
(driver's seat) (passenger seat)
Asuka, Ruri, Rei
(back seat)
Misato: (thinking) That voice... it can't be... he's dead, by my hand...
Yurika: Hey! I thought I just heard Akito's voice! We must be getting closer!
Lapis: Not so loud, mama-san! Onee-san, remind me never to sit on mama-san's lap again. Ever.
Ruri: (From the back seat.) Lapis, don't sit on mama-san's lap. Trust me.
Asuka: Look! That bar seems to be the only one in this block.
Rei: And the singing seems to emanate from there.
Misato: That's where we're headed, then.
Asuka: Good. (To herself.) I don't know if I can't take anymore of this. (Looks at Ruri sitting beside her.) I thought Rei was an orphan, so who are these other two girls? Cousins from out of town?
Ruri: (As if reading Asuka's thoughts.) Well, we're not from Tokyo-3.
Inside...
Jemu: (Going very still.) Something wicked this way comes.
Akito: I thought the Sensing shtick was Evang's, not yours.
Jemu: Some of it is rubbing of on me, then. I predict a major chaotic mass headed this way.
Shinji: Angel attack?
Jemu: Worse.
Misato's car crashes through the doors of the Wreck Room, taking part of the doorway with it, causing Touji and Kensuke to leave their games and investigate. Fortunately, it has been reinforced by NERV engineers during a period of budget shortage in place of giving Misato a raise.
Misato: I'll be damned. Those engineers were good for something after all.
Rei: I detect the presence of an AT Field. It seems to come from the car.
Misato: Holy crow. (Uses the wipers to remove the debris.) Well, look what we have here.
Yurika: Akito's here! He's here!
Lapis: Good thing I moved out of her lap, eh, nee-chan?
Ruri: You're not light. Move.
The car doors open and the women get out.
Akito: AAAIIIIIIEEEEE! It's the Sixsome!
Jemu: Thank goodness! I thought it was those Mage Trackers or whatever it is they call themselves.
Kaji: No, it's Misato, Rei, Asuka and three other people I don't know.
Gai: The blue-haired one is Captain Yurika Misumaru Tenkawa, the girl with the moon princess hair is that weird kid from my Nadesico days, Ruri Hoshino, but who's the other pale girl?
Shiratori: Akito, is that pink-haired girl the one you were referring to as Lapis Lazuli?
Akito: Yes, that would be her.
Shiratori: I thought lapis lazuli was a blue mineral?
Akito: Beats me.
Asuka: (sweetly) Shinji! I know you're in here somewhere! Come out, come out wherever you are! (Spying Touji and Kensuke.) You two! Where is Shinji?
Kensuke: I don't know. Do you, Touji?
Touji: No, I don't either. What do we look like, his keepers?
Kensuke: Yeah, I thought you two wanted that job descriptions?
Asuka: Don't worry, we'll do more than keep him, when we get our hands on him.
Rei: As I expected, questioning these two was an exercise in futility.
Asuka: What do you suggest, then?
Rei: We search the premises. Since we didn't see anyone come out before we crashed in, and we didn't run down anyone that I know of, Shinji-kun must still be inside.
Asuka: Sound reasoning. Okay I'll take the arcade side of the place. You take the rest.
The two nod and go to their assigned duties. Meanwhile...
Yurika: So, this is where you've been hiding from me and the children.
Akito: Watch it, Yurika. You're starting to sound like a nagging housewife.
Yurika's face contorts with anger. A warhammer suddenly appears in her hands, and she throws it at Akito, who is too shocked to react. Not so the others, though, as they had seen this coming since Akito nade that comment about nagging. They dive to the floor, or behind the bar, or jump away as the warhammer bonks Akito on the head and knocks him out.
Ruri: I think Mama-san is pissed off at Aki--, um, Papa-san.
Lapis: (sarcastic) You think?
Yurika: (horrified) Oh, no, what happened! What did I just do to my dear Akito!
Jemu: (Wearing an evil grin.) Didn't you know? You pulled out one of your dishes from hammerspace and fed it to him!
Yurika: I did? From hammerspace? (Short silence.) Hey, Mr. Bartender, you seem familiar. Have we met?
Jemu: Well...
Ruri: He's the Bartender from the SpaceBar, mama.
Yurika: Of course! That explains this hammerspace stuff!
Akito moans himself back to consciouseness.
Lapis: Hammer-space? Probably explains this warhammer near papa's head.
Yurika: Akito? Are you alright? How do you feel?
Akito: Like somebody beaned me with a hammer.
Yurika: A hammer? (Glaring at Jemu.) You said I fed him one of my dishes! You said he ate one and that's why he got knocked out! You lied to me!
Jemu: Hey, can't you take a joke?
Yurika: Not when my husband gets hurt! Take this!
Yurika produces an Interdimensional Jerk Smacker/ Pervert Destroyer (TM) and starts swinging. Jemu screams something that sounds like "I'm too young to die, besides, I haven't gotten laid yet!" and dives behind the bar.
Shinji: Ow! Watch it, dude, I'm no gym mat!
Jemu: Sorry. Hey, what are you doing here?
Shinji: Something I'm really good at.
Rei: There you are, Shinji-kun. (Calls out.) Asuka, I've found him!
Asuka: I'll be right over! (Grumbling.) Damn it! Stupid invulnerable end boss! How do you kill it? (Stands up from in front of a console and makes her way to Rei.)
Kensuke: Hey, Touji, it's that ultra-cool hacker girl that I was telling you about!
Touji: Where? Oh. A little on the thin side for me, but since you to have something in common, why don't you go and get to know her better?
Kensuke: Uh, well, I... she's older than me, I think.
Touji: Since when did age ever matter? Go on ahead, re-introduce yourself. I'll even screen you from her little sister.
Kensuke: What do you know about modern dating/courtship rituals?
Touji: I'm no longer jock material, so I started reading books. Besides, I'm wanting to try out if what I've read is true.
Kensuke: All in the name of science, huh? Well, okay, here goes.
Lapis: Onee-chan, look. It's that hacker wanna-be you helped out. He and that big guy are trying to approach us, I think. Shall we freeze them solid with our Double Albino Ice Princess Routine (TM)?
Ruri: (Noticing Kensuke's awkwardness and Touji's prodding.) No. It's taking a lot out the one with glasses just to approach us. It would be cruel if we did our 2x AIP Routine.
Lapis: (Amazed.) When did you learn to read people from afar? I can only do that if I'm touching or very close, while you can do it from across a room.
Ruri: It was part of my training as a ship captain. Mama-san has that training too, you know. Why else would she marry Papa-san, despite all his faults?
Touji: Ah, excuse me.
Ruri: Yes?
Touji: Could you help us? My friend here was saying that he has, I quote, "met that really cute hacker girl sitting over there", unquoute, and I told him that I would owe him a week's worth of lunch if that was true. So, do I owe him lunch for a week?
Lapis: Yes, you do.
Ruri: Lapis is right. He was trying to hack into some sort of secret agency mainframe and was tripping alarms all over. If I hadn't been intrigued and looked over his shoulder, he'd be gone by now.
Kensuke: And I'm glad for that. My name is Kensuke, and I owe you big time. May I know the name of my savior? (Grins.)
Ruri: (Smiling slightly.) I am Captain Hoshino Ruri of the Nadesico-C, but those in my debt may address me has Ruri. By the way, before she bursts, let me introduce Lapis Lazuli, my sister. (Thinking.) I can't believe how easily that little untruth slipped from my tongue. I'm starting to worry.
Kensuke: (Shaken at the mention of Rurui's rank, but still presses on.) I'm pleased to meet you and your sister, Captain Hoshino. (Thinking.) Wow! I now know a Captain that's a hacker and a Major party animal! This is the coolest day of my life! (Aloud.) And allow me to introduce my friend, Suzuhara Touji.
Lapis: (Giggles.)
Touji: Eh? My name's funny? I never had that happen to me before.
Lapis: Sorry. But the way your friend introduced you, it seemed like we're in ball gowns and you two are in suits.
Touji: Suits? As in, like, straitjackets?
Lapis: (Giggling again.) You're a funny guy, Suzuhara-san.
Touji: Please. Call me Touji. You make me sound like I'm 40 and balding when you call me Suzuhara-san.
Meanwhile...
Misato: Kaji... you're alive...
Kaji: Yeah. Amazing, isn't it? I'm surprised, myself. One moment I was staring at oblivion, the next moment I'm walking through those glass doors which you destroyed, I'm drinking spiked soda, and I'm singing old songs.
Misato: I'm sorry. (Stares at the frosted can in front of her.)
Kaji: The past is the past. I don't know if I'll be gone in the next few minutes or so, or maybe I can stick around for a little longer. No one knows. Enjoy the present, my few moments of back-again, that's what I'm doing. I advise you to do the same.
Misato: Life is too short too dwell on the past, is that what you're saying?
Kaji: Yeah. I've forgiven you, even when you shot me, because that's what anybody would do under the same circmstances. What I really think you should do is forgive yourself.
Misato: (Smiling.) Don't worry, I have. If I hadn't, I'd be locked up in a padded room somewhere.
Kaji: Glad to hear that. (Smiles.) So, what are you doing here, beautiful?
Misato: A little errand of love. (Nodding her head toward Yurika who is currently fussing over Akito's bump.)
Kaji: And the Children?
Misato: (Grinning.) Planning a hostile takeover of some poor, confused, young man. Take a look for yourself.
Kaji looks around, spotting the Three Children in a corner of the place. There's no way out for Shinji, he notes.
Asuka-Shinji-Rei||(on a long seat)
TABLE ||
EMPTY LONG SEAT ||
By James Evangelista
If this looks ugly on your monitor, try opening it with a text editor and activate word wrapping. It'll help, trust me.
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Ruri: Finally, after beating around the bush for four episodes, the author has at last gotten around to sending the Nadesico-C toTokyo-3, where rumor has it that something might be done to restore Akito to normal. Thanks to some rather vague details about my ship's dimensions, we were able to fit a 40-meter purple robot into the Aesti hangar. We made the acquaintance of a blonde, chain-smoking scientist who seemed to be getting along surprisingly well with Ines, and also of the purple robot's brown-haired, impulsive, gynophobic pilot. Lapis says that she thinks the new pilot is cute, and I find myself agreeing with her. Oh well, I guess we're both idiots.
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INSERT OPENING THEME AND MOVIE HERE: Burning Angel's Thesis. What, you mean there isn't--? Okay, just take the Nadesico opening video and have Cruel Angel's Thesis play in the background. Sheesh.
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DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters here, except for Jemu, Evang and BOS (Brain Of Spacebar). Xebec would probably fire a Gravity Blast at me if I claimed the MBN characters as my own, while Gainax would drop an N2 mine on my house if I try to do the same with the NGE people involved in this work. So please, lower your fields and power down your weapons. Also, the lyrics that appear in this work are not mine. They are owned by whoever it is that owns Nadesico, Evangelion, and Mazinger Z. Nobody owns Harrison Pot-maker and Mage Trackers, right?
THE SCENE: A snack bar/ video arcade, with very garish lighting. Noticeable are the titles on the game machines: Alley Warrior EX V, Innocent Gear XXX, Tekuno-Manza, Dead or Undead 3, Cupcom vs. SNM 2, Queen of Warriors 2001, to name a few. The bar boasts of a wide array of soft drinks, with such names as Croke, Pixie, Preppsie, 1-UP, and Meows Root beer.
In short, a perfect place to lure in teenagers and young adults and relieve them of their extra (and sometimes not so extra) cash. So far, though, on this wonderful Saturday morning, it hasn't claimed any victims yet. This fact has not escaped the notice of the operator/caretaker/owner of the establishment. With a sigh, he stands up. "Might as well set up the billiard tables and get some practice," the man mutters to himself.
Suddenly, the doors of the establishment whoosh open, admitting three youngsters. Turning toward the sound, the owner greets his first customers.
???: Good morning, boys, and welcome to the Wreck Room. I'm glad to see that young people still go out and frequent arcades, in this age of on-line gaming and cable TV. But this is no ordinary arcade; it's also a snack bar. So, what can I do for you? Video games, food, and if you'd care to wait, a billiards table...
Touji: Nah, don't bother yourself with the tables, sir. We're here for --
Kensuke: Touji, look! Virtually On 4! And they've got 4 consoles AND the pilot card machine! I don't believe this! (Drags Touji over to said machine.)
Shinji: Um, so do we use tokens or coins?
???: The moneychanger is that way. (Points toward the east wall.)
Shinji calls out and informs the other two stooges of this. Touji responds by pulling Kensuke away from the game machine ant toward the moneychanger. Meanwhile, Shinji turns back to the owner.
Shinji: Excuse me, sir, but your voice sounds familiar. Have we met somewhere before?
Jemu: Of course we have. Do you remember, sitting in a bar, nursing a beer, flinging the bartender to the wall with an AT Field?
Shinji: It can't be! Jemu-san, is that really you? But, the SpaceBar, it's in orbit, right? How did--
Jemu: (Goes into his lecturing mode.) The SpaceBar floats on a sea of hammerspace and high improbability. That's why it exists in all ani-verses, each in different forms. For example, in Akito's 'verse -- you remember him? Tall, spiky brown hair, stupid black triangle on his face? Well, in his 'verse, the SpaceBar appears to be an observation / garrison post on the edge of the Solar system. A first line of defense against invaders, as it was. In your case, the SpaceBar, or rather, the SpaceBar's recreation room, manifests as this cool joint where you can play and eat when you're not doing anything.
Shinji: But what happens when two ani-verses come into contact with each other? Like what has been happening for the last four episodes, for example?
Jemu: Keep reading and you'll find out.
A cry interrupts their conversation.
Kensuke: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGH! Alright, how about best of 9, and I change my Virtual Droid?
Touji: Bring it on, loser. Personally, I'm glad to see the Law of SuperBot vs. Real-Type Bot applies in this game.
Shinji: (Calling out.) And what does that law say?
Touji: It simply states that if a smaller, faster 'Bot gets hit by the chest-mounted or shoulder-mounted weapon of a heavier-armored, larger, slower 'Bot, the chances of the smaller 'Bot surviving is pretty much close to nil.
Kensuke: So that's why you always pick the Heavy Battle Droids in games like this.
Touji: That, and running around too fast makes my head spin. The lightest ones I'll ever use are Heavy Scout/ Scout Hunter types. Really, light, small units have no place in this game.
???: Care to put your money where your mouth is?
As one, the four turn to look at the newcomer. Then Jemu lets a small smile alter his features. Shinji, on the other hand, could barely contain his surprise.
Shinji: Tenkawa-san!
Kensuke: Another friend of yours, Shinji?
Touji: Hey, mister, aren't you too old to be playing games?
Akito: Who're you calling old, boy? I'll have you know I can kick your Virtual butt even if you use the Fully Armored Raycannon Type (FART).
Kensuke: Are you sure about that? I mean, not only is it the most powerful unit in the game, it's also a hidden character!
Akito: I'm sure. Shinji, we'll talk later after I beat the stuffing out of your friend's Virtual Butt, what do you say?
Shinji: That would be great. Try not to win by a really huge margin, OK? (Grins.)
Touji: Huh. In case you haven't noticed mister, (slides into his 'cockpit') the FART isn't selectable on any of these consoles.
Akito: You put your selector over the Thunder Lotus II, press the right pedal and left fire button while pressing start.
Touji follows Akito's instructions.
Touji: Gee, thanks for putting one foot into the grave, mister. Wow, the FART.
Jemu activates a large, wall-type monitor to show the impending fight on as Akito selects his V-Droid. The wall monitor displays both of their choices.
Kensuke: What the hey? What's an Aestivangelion?
Shinji: A what? (Takes a closer look at the screen.)
Touji: Hey what's this? Weapons unknown? (Starts to sweat a little.)
The fight begins. It takes place in a ruins of what might have been an arena. The arena had two levels, a large pit in the middle connected to a square narrow rim by sloping ramps. Akito's Aestivangelion starts running toward Touji's FART. The three onlookers notice that Touji's V-Droid is easily twice the size of Akito's, possibly larger.
Touji: Hah! Standard procedure for light mech-types: rush in, sting, circle back, repeat until enemy is dead. The counter? (Presses both fire buttons and pedals simultaneously.)Jump up, fire main guns.
Kensuke: He's in for it.
Shinji: Akito?
Kensuke: Is that his name? (Not waiting for a reply.) Then, yes he is.
Akito: (Overhearing the two.) Don't bet on it, kid.
Akito presses both pedals and pushes both sticks forward. The onlookers watch amazed as the smaller robot proceeds to roll, narrowly dodging the twin laser blasts from the larger unit's shoulders. It stops rolling directly beneath the FART, which is just starting to descend from its jump.
Touji: You're dead me-- hey! Where is he? Why does he still have a life bar? A 100% life bar ?!
Akito: This move is called (takes a deep breath, then shots out) GAI... SUPER... UPPER!!! (Presses both pedals, pushes both sticks toward each other while simultaneously pressing all four buttons.)
Shinji, Kensuke, and Jemu watch as the Aestivangelion leaped up, fist extended, an orange aura flaring around it, and gave the FART the mother of all flying/jumping uppercuts.
Jemu: Now that's gotta hurt.
Kensuke: It should. I think it's kind of sneaky, though, attacking the less armored parts of your opponent.
Gai: That's not sneaky, it's called battle tactics! Every good fighter has them! And every good fighter must recognize his most powerful attacks and use it to its fullest to preserve justice and to protect the universe!
Shinji: AAAAACK! (Falls off his stool.)
The fight continues, with the FART picking itself up from its crater and firing a barrage of missiles. The Aestivangelion continued its charge toward the lumbering behemoth, missiles exploding around it.
Touji: How do you like that, huh? Let's see what your life bar says about catching a missile swarm head on. (Short pause.) What the hell? Life bar 90%, ATF 91%, DF 99%? What are all these numbers?
Akito: AT Field 91%, Distortion Field 99%. Maybe I shouldn't have crashed through those missiles of yours. They're bad for my shields and my life bar. Oh well.
Akito's comment made the four onlookers {no, I didn't miscount, there are now four figures watching the fight} look at the life displays on the big monitor. Touji's was hanging at around 40%, while Akito's remained at 95%.
Shinji: 95%? But I heard Akito say that he's down to 90%!
Jemu: I think it's the total health of the unit plus the condition of all its shields that's being shown. Kensuke, I take it that the FART has no shields whatsoever?
Kensuke: Yep. It relies on long range weapons and ablative armor to survive fights.
Gai: Ablative armor? What's that?
Kensuke: It's armor that stops a lot of damage, but peels off rather easily. As a side effect, the less armor the FART has, the faster it moves. That's why the FART has an option to jettison all of its remaining armor to become really fast.
Gai: A robot without shields? Preposterous! No wonder it took that much damage from my Gai Super Napalm.
Shinji: I thought the attack was called Gai Super Upper?
Gai: Details, details. Anyway, Akito is showing good sense, using my attack because it's the most powerful. I always knew that fry-cook would turn out to be a good pilot.
Shinji: You know him?
Gai: Of course! We were comrades-in-arms, until the director decided that my obsession with Gekiganger was no longer funny and killed me off his show. Stupid asshole. No appreciation of classical art.
The other 3 people sweatdrop. They turn their attention back as Touji cried out.
Touji: SHIMATTTAAAAAAAAA!
Akito jumps up, grins hugely, and gives his audience two "V" signs, one on each hand. He then proceeds to salute Touji in the same way as Gai, Jemu, Kensuke, and Shinji watch the replay. It showed the Aestivangelion diving from the sky, dodging a first laser bolt, then a second, then a third, and a fourth, weaving through the air like some big black hornet surrounded by a blue energy sheath, and crashing into a backpedaling FART, sending bits of armor everywhere. The FART slams back, into a statue in the corner of the square pit, and explodes. As its victory animation, the Aestivangelion flies up, and the camera pans to follow it, showing it enter a huge ship and the said ship flies away.
Akito: So, light mechs are worthless, huh? (Poking a finger into Touji's side.)
Touji: Mumble mumble secret character mumble mumble bloody cheater mumble mumble.
Akito: Hey, don't be like that, it was just a simulation.
Akito makes his way toward the bar, only to have 10 years surprised out of his life.
Akito: GAI! Daigoji Gai, is that really you?
Gai: Yes it is, old friend. Sit down, we have a lot of talking to do. But first, you must introduce me to these people.
Akito: Yes, we do. Anyway, this is Jemu, owner of this establishment. (Jemu extends his hand, and Gai shakes it.) This guy who fell on the floor when you popped in so suddenly is Ikari Shinji, and his friends... (Looks to Shinji for an intro.)
Shinji: This is Kensuke, and the big lug who Akito just whipped and is coming over here is Touji.
Jemu: Hey, since we're all here, why don't I throw a party? TO celebrate my first customers, or something.
Akito: That would be cool.
Jemu: Right-o. Stay here while I whip something up from the kitchen.
Akito: Need any help?
Jemu: Nah. You and Gai and the others have that talk you promised earlier. Be back in a flash. (Disappears into a doorway that wasn't there before.)
Akito: Gai, you're alive! I don't believe it!
Shiratori: He's not the only one that isn't already pushing up daisies.
Akito: SHIRATORI! You too?
Shinji: Let me guess, another actor that got kicked off the set?
Kensuke: Probably another Gekiganger buff?
Touji: (Still feeling bad from his loss.) What is this Gekiganger shit, anyway?
Gai: (Gasps, then rises angrily to his feet.) HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF GEKIGANGER THAT WAY!
Akito: (Stands up as well, pointing at Touji.) HEATHEN! BARBARIAN!
Shiratori: (Gathering Gai and Akito behind him.) IGNORANT LITTLE BRAT! DEFAMING THE ALL-POWERFUL ASS-KICKING TRINITY! BELITTLING THE POWER OF ONE THAT IS THREE! IN FRONT OF HIS OWN STAUNCH BELIEVERS NO LESS! PREPARE TO SUFFER!
The three boys' jaws drop to the floor at this display of behavior from the three men.
Akito: THIS BRIGHT BLUE PLANET!(Strikes an old-school sentai pose.)
Gai: THIS LIFE GIVING SPHERE!(Strikes an old-school sentai pose.)
Shiratori: WE'LL PROTECT IT!(Strikes an old-school sentai pose.)
The three boys join their jaws on the floor.
Jemu: Hey, what's this racket all about? (Notices the three still in their silly posturing and three sweatdrops appear on the back of his head. Then he notices the Tokyo-3 kids on the floor, unconscious.) My God, you three (glaring at the Gekiganger nuts) are evil. Look at what you've done the poor children: you've knocked them out senseless!
Shiratori: We are not evil! We are Defenders of Justice!
Gai: And of this beautiful planet Earth!
Akito: That's why we cannot be evil!
Jemu: Right. Whatever. You, Cook of Justice, help me in the kitchen. The rest of you, wake the kids. I don't like anybody sleeping on my dining table. Is that clear?
Without waiting for an answer, Jemu disappears back into the mysterious doorway, Akito trailing after him. Gai and Shiratori try their best to rouse the boys and help them onto the stools, explaining that being guests does not mean one could sleep on the floor before food was served. At the mention of food, the boys recovered immediately.
Gai: Ah, the one thing sure to return a teenager to his normal energetic self.
Shiratori: What? Food?
Gai: That's one of those things.
Shiratori: I thought you said 'the One Thing'?
Gai: Details, details. And what's with the 'One Thing' business? You make it sound like an ancient artifact capable of giving a man enormous power and corrupting his soul in the process?
Everybody, except Gai, groans at this totally unasked-for reference to a literary masterpiece.
Shiratori: Watch it, Daigoji, before the director of this gig decides that you're to annoying to keep around.
Gai: (Sarcastic)Gosh. I didn't know you cared, my Jovian friend.
Shiratori: I don't. But if the director orders his crew to get rid of the Gekiganger nut, they might throw me out as well. Guilt by association, you know.
Gai: Why you stinking son of a lizard--! (Leaps for Shiratori's throat.)
The two are engaged in an earnest fisticuff, with the three teenagers cheering them on, when Akito and Jemu return with platters of food and some glasses.
Touji: Yeah, go get him! Punch his lights out!
Shinji: Who are you cheering for?
Kensuke: The tall one that looks like he just stepped out from some old anime series. You know, one where Earth's only defense against high-tech alien invaders is a team of psychologically challenged individuals and a giant humanoid robot of unknown devastating potential.
Shinji: Help! I'm living in an old super robot series! AARRGGHH! (Holds his head in both hands and wails like there's no tomorrow.) I.... AM..... DOOMED!!!!!
Taking an assessing glance at the situation, Jemu takes the only possible course of action.
Jemu: Akito, there's only one way out of this unforeseen development.
Akito: I know. But we have to do it.
Jemu: Right.
Akito and Jemu: CHOW TIME! COME AND GET IT!
This of course had the expected result of ending an entertaining slugfest and starting a standard pig-out fest. They were methodically destroying the heaps of food on the platter when an owl swooped in.
Jemu: The hell?
Akito: What's an owl doing here?
Shinji: An owl? In Tokyo-3?
The owl flew in a circle over their heads and dropped what appeared to be an envelope on the bar table. It then flew out of the door, never to be seen again.
Shiratori: Look, an envelope.
Touji: I wonder who it's for. Let's see. Hey it's for someone named Jemu.
Jemu: For me? (Takes envelope.) I wonder who it's from.
Gai: Why, don't you have a girlfriend?
Jemu: No comment. (Blushing.)
Shinji: How about a boyfriend?
Jemu: Do you want to be remembered as "Died due to stab wounds inflicted by breadsticks"?
Kensuke: Well, open the damn thing so we can go back to eating.
Jemu tears the envelope open. It is empty.
Akito: Nothing?
Then a loud, thundering voice shakes the room.
???: WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? THE STORY IS NOT MOVING FORWARD, NOT EVEN BACKWARD! IT'S GOING NOWHERE! STICK TO THE PLOT, GADDEMET! BLOODY STUPID PERVERTED WRITER WANNA-BE WITH NO SOCIAL LIFE!
The envelope disintegrates in Jemu's hand, and all is normal once more.
Shinji: Wow.
Kensuke: You can say that again.
Shinji: Wow.
Touji: That was freaky, dude. It's like in that movie about some young mage --
Shiratori: Harrison Pot-maker?
Akito: You know that movie? You've seen it?
Gai: Seen it? Ha! We were in it. At least our voices were. I provided the voice for the talking witches' hat.
Shiratori: And I got cast as the stupid, pedophile ogre they killed in the girl's bathroom.
Touji: Like I was saying, it was that scene in the common dining room.
Kensuke: Yeah, they were all eating and the owls started swooping in from the roof.
Shinji: One of them dropped something to a guy, and it screamed the guy's pimples off of his face.
Jemu says nothing, still staring at something far, far away.
Akito: Jemu? What the heck, he's in shock!
Jemu: No. Not anymore, at least. Sorry about that.
Shinji: What was that about, anyway?
Jemu: Let's eat while I tell you, how does that sound?
Gai: Sounds like a plan. A true hero never neglects to take care of his health.
Shiratori: A true hero never knows if each meal is to be his last.
They resume eating, and Jemu narrates his plight.
Jemu: That was just a friendly wake-up call from my editor.
Gai: Is he firing all of us?
Jemu: No, but if I don't get this thing into shape, I'm the one that's gonna get canned.
Shiratori: We don't want you to suffer that. I know how it feels to be out of a job.
Gai: Yeah, you turn into a seiyuu for talking magical hats. Cripes.
Shinji: What's this storyline the message was talking about?
Akito: Yeah, how does it relate to us?
Jemu: Funny you two should ask. It is two arcs brought together by the Nadesico-C's presence in Tokyo-3. The Nadesico crew are here to get Akito fixed up, back to his normal, cheery self. Shinji has to deal with a vengeance oath or something.
Shinji: I don't know anything that I have to avenge! (Turns to his friends.) Do I have something to get revenge for?
Kensuke: No. I don't know anyone you should hold a grudge against.
Touji: He's right. If someone caused you problems, you usually run away.
Gai: Kind of like cook-boy here, when I first knew him.
Shiratori: Tenkawa, running away? Is this the same Tenkawa that crippled Daimajin? Preposterous.
Akito: We're getting off track here. And that joke is getting to be really old.
Shinji: Yeah, like 4 episodes old.
Jemu: Okay. Here's how we'll address both story arcs. We'll start by grilling Akito.
Akito: Why me? Why not him?
Jemu: Because you come first alphabetically. Now, then, (looks around, making sure everybody was listening) how did the operation go?
Akito: Perfectly. I feel no lingering pain as side effects. And I can now say your cooking is passable for someone who is not as trained as me.
Jemu: Thank you. It's probably nothing, since nobody could mess up instant yakisoba and hardboiled eggs.
Akito: I happen to know three women who could.
Shinji: Your wife being one.
Gai: Wife! You're married!
Shiratori: Let me guess. It was that pretty blue-haired girl-captain, eh?
Akito: Right.
Kensuke: So who are the other two?
Akito: Well, Ruri --
Gai: That little kid with white hair and yellow eyes? She probably spends too much time on the bridge with the Captain if she cooks as well as she does.
Akito: I happen to agree with that theory. And then there's Lapis Lazuli.
Shiratori: She sounds new. Who is she?
Akito: She's this little girl we worked with when the show was over and the producers decided to make a movie afterwards.
Gai: They made a movie after they killed me off? This is UNFAIR! (Breaks into sobs.)
Shiratori: I agree! This is the height of INJUSTICE! (Closes his eyes, clenches a fist, tears streaming down his face.)
Touji: You have some weird friends, if you don't mind my saying so, Akito-san.
Akito: I think it's the strain of being fired. They say they've gotten over it, but deep inside, they still hurt.
Kensuke: I don't want to sound morbid, but what exactly did you undergo? Are you a cyborg now, or something?
Akito: Cyborg?
Kensuke: You know, a human with machines implanted into him.
Akito: (Chuckling.) I'm as much of a cyborg as Gai is. Or my wife, for that matter.
Yurika sneezed.
Ruri: (Looks up from her laptop.)Nee-san, daijobu?
Yurika: Hai. Somebody must be talking about me.
Ruri: Maybe it's Akito.
Yurika: Maybe. I wonder where he is right now.
Lapis: (Entering the room carrying three water bottles.) Maybe he's in a bar with a bunch of guys with mental ages of 15 or so, eating and drinking and telling his new friends about some of your hot dates.
EVERYBODY IN THE WRECK ROOM SNEEZES.
Ruri and Yurika turn to stare at Lapis.
Lapis: Oh, don't mind what I said. It's just little-girl talk.
Ruri and Yurika stare at each other, and nod.
Yurika: Get her! (Brandishing her plastic bottle like some sort of throwing weapon.)
Ruri: That's my line you just stole, you second-rate, trying hard, not-so-clone! (Gets up and runs toward Lapis, wielding her laptop like an axe.)
Lapis Lazuli is one smart girl. Of course she ran.
Meanwhile, back at the Wreck Room.
Kensuke: Wow. You and Gai and your wife are cyborgs? Cool.
Touji: No, idiot. He was speaking figuratively. He really means that they're not cyborgs.
Kensuke: So why not just say it that way?
Touji: They're adults. Go figure.
Akito: Hey, I'm trying to tell a story here!
Shinji: You were about to detail the operation.
Akito: Yes. Time to remove this, then. (Peels off the black triangle form his role as Otika, Badass Former Cook and Optimist.)
Shiratori: It's not polite to ask, but what was that thing?
Akito: It was a device to help me correct my vision, as I was subjected to some nasty experiments in the movie. I lost my senses of taste and smell due to those experiments as well.
Gai: What kind of cruel, diabolical mind would construct and execute such experiments?
Akito: The kind of idiot scientists that we defeated at the end of the movie.
Gai: I hope you gave them hell.
Akito: That I did.
Shinji: So the operation restored those senses to you?
Akito: Yup. All that remains of those horrid experiments are a few nightmares. But that's okay, at least when I do end up screaming in the middle of the night, I have someone close to tell me "It's all right, it's just another bad dream."
Jemu: I'm curious. What exactly did they do to you at NERV HQ?
Akito: Is this the part where the technobabble begins?
Jemu: Yes, it's right here in the script. (Produces several sheets of paper and makes everyone look at the 'Insert technobabble here' part.)
Shinji: And I'd also like to know what was in the canister I had brought back to Earth.
Gai: Probably an embryonic alien life-form which would soon grow into a world-destroying, unstoppable beast. They always start out that way.
Shinji: (Turns pale.) Help! I'm living in an anime show! AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
Kensuke: Touji, help him!
Touji: Okay. (Whaps Shinji on the head.)
Akito: Thanks for quieting him down. To answer both questions, the canister contained stem cells which Doctors Akagi, Fresange, and Ikari morphed into the proper types to try and "fill in" the "holes" in my nervous system.
Kensuke: Cellular regeneration?
Akito: First time I heard of it too. We don't mess around with cells that much from where I come from.
Jemu: I see. And then?
Akito: At first, they were puzzled because I still couldn't receive taste and smell sensations, and my tactile perceptions were also shot. Then Dr. Ikari consulted me, asking if I wanted to proceed and if I did, they would try out a series of untested, unorthodox methods.
Shinji: Sounds like NERV handiwork, alright.
Akito: Anyway, they put me in this cockpit of sorts, and Dr. Akagi said it was a Simulation Body chamber.
Touji: A what?
Kensuke: It's like a training or diagnostic machine. You strap yourself into it and they monitor you as you interact with a simulation of an Evangelion.
Touji: Dude, how do you know all this stuff?
Kensuke: (Smiling evilly, one eye glinting.) I have my sources.
Meanwhile, at the Geofront...
Gendo: Has the leak been found yet?
Hyuuga: No sir. We're still trying to get past all these pop-up firewalls that I don't know how on Earth got into the system.
Aoba: It's weird, is what it is. Like the hacker just asked the MAGI to open up, and they did so quietly.
Fuyutsuki: Possible Angel attack? Another virus Angel?
Maya: Negative, sir. The MAGI would have warned us of even low levels of AT emissions --
Gendo: Unless the system was attacked in such a way that the warning mechanisms were also hit.
Silence fell on the command bridge.
Gendo: Get me Major Katsuragi and Doctor Akagi. Now.
Hyuuga: Yes, sir.
Gendo: And that other smart blonde, the one that came in with the kid wearing a triangle on his face --
Fuyutsuki: Hardly a kid. A young man, maybe in his early twenties.
Gendo: Get her in here as well. We'll get to the bottom of this.
{Okay, that was so NGE. Now back to the lighter parts.}
Kensuke: And some outside help. I'll not name them, because if too many people believed in them, they'd cease to be special.
Shiratori: Believe in what? Ghosts?
Kensuke: No. Pixies.
Shiratori: Pixies. Right. Akito, you were saying?
Akito: They were amazed to find out that while my nervous system was whole, organically speaking, the synapses still couldn't get through, like they were stepping into some manholes or something.
Gai: So what was wrong with you? What's wrong with them, a bunch of worthless geniuses!
Akito: Turns out I was the problem.
Everybody else: HUH?
Akito: I have IFS. (Pulls off his glove and shows the markings on his hand.) These little nanomachines were implanted into me and they made themselves at home with my nervous system. When the experiments wrecked me, I didn't know the nanos also got damaged or destroyed.
Touji: And when NERV tried to heal you, they left the nanomachines behind.
Akito: Sort of like that.
Touji: Finally! Something the all-powerful NERV couldn't do!
Shinji: They probably got freaked out by the nanomachine Angel that attacked once. I guess they developed a phobia of sorts.
Akito: Unfortunately or fortunately, Ines is with them. And probably more than happy to explain about nanotechnology.
The long-haired blonde paused, letting the shower spray form rivulets as the water trickled over her shoulders, down to her, large, attention-grabbing *CENSORED*, further down still flowing across her flat stomach, the indentation of her navel, to the curls guarding her *CENSORED*. She stood like that for a while, oblivious to the water, trying to decide if she was just hearing things. Shrugging, she put her attention back into getting herself clean.
Kensuke: What is the IFS for, anyway?
Akito: The robots Gai and I pilot are called Aestivalis. Some of them have IFS receptacles mounted on them, which allows us better to, um, how do you say this...
Gai: (Standing up and striking a pose.)Become one with the instrument of victory for love, truth and justice!
Shinji: (quietly) Synchronize.
Akito: That's right, synchronize. It was then decided, after learning of the IFS, to reproduce the missing individual nanos. However, IFS comes in to variants, machine-interface and computer-interface. A person can only have one IFS implanted and the closest machine-IFS we had available was --
Jemu: Your wife.
Everybody else turns to look at him.
Akito: How did you guess?
Jemu: Just lucky. So there weren't any side effects of having part of Yurika mesh with you? You didn't lose your culinary powers or your pragmatism for the next 24 hours or something?
"HA-CHOO! That does it, we're looking for him! Get dressed, you two, we'll be leaving the apartment for a while."
"About time. This place is nice, but there's NOTHING to do here."
"We should ask NERV for help. They control the city, after all."
"How did you find that out?"
"Well, it started when Ruri-neesan was looking over this geeky guy's shoulders and his laptop and told him he was doing it all wrong..."
"When was this?"
"Yesterday, when we decided to go for a walk in the park."
"I thought I swore you to secrecy, Lapis."
"But Akito told me one should always tell the truth."
"I'm telling you the truth now: I'm going to kill you."
"Mama!"
Akito: No, I told you the operation was a complete success. Didn't hurt either. I was KO'd most of the time, and when I'm conscious I could see I'm floating in this orange pool of liquid oxygen or something. I knew the operation was finished when suddenly I could taste and smell blood around me, and let me tell you I really wanted out back then.
Shiratori: I would want out too. Breathing something that smells of blood, tastes like blood? Yeeesh.
Gai: So they put some of Yurika's IFS into you and you're whole again, you can taste blood again, you can smell blood again?
Kensuke: Will we please STOP FIXATING ABOUT BLOOD! I'm trying to eat spaghetti here!
Touji: LCL.
Akito: Huh?
Touji: You were floating in LCL. I've tried that once, and it tasted like hell. I ended up barfing afterwards.
Akito: Really? You're a pilot like Shinji, with your own um, Evangelion?
Touji: Was. I can't pilot anymore, not with this arm, and besides, Shinji ripped my unit to pieces.
Shinji: It wasn't me! Touji, man, it was Rei, or at least her clone, controlling that monster! I tried to stop her but...
Everybody is quiet after this outburst from Shinji, who had been sitting silently and eating. A somber mood falls over the party. Jemu decides to do something before his happy arcade develops the aura of a funeral.
Jemu: So, Akito, why are you here, instead of celebrating with your wife and kiddies?
Akito: (Realizing what Jemu is doing and plays along.) I decided to get away from it all: the endless after-operation tests, the white walls, and the bad food --
Jemu: Whoa! (Takes a look around, seeing that everybody is listening in varying degrees to this exchange.) Bad food?
Shinji: (Grinning.) You actually tried NERV cafeteria food?
Kensuke: After a major surgery? Wow.
Touji: (Nodding sagely.) Life is precious, but a second chance at it is worth even more. Don't be stupid.
Shiratori and Gai: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
Akito: Nope, not NERV food, thanks for the warning.
Jemu: You actually ate one of your wife's dishes again?!
Gai: Yurika is that bad a cook?
Jemu: Her, Megumi-the comm girl, remember?-
Shiratori: Ah, the purple-haired girl with a braid. She cooks badly?
Akito: She does, as well as Ryoko.
Gai: Who?
Shiratori: A green-haired Amazon.
Gai: Why don't I know her? I would have enjoyed to meeting her, I adore a woman with spirit.
Shiratori: (Grinning evilly.) That's because she was a replacement pilot for you.
Gai: (Looks upward, towards some invisible gods.) NNNOOOOOOOOOO! (Slumps to the table.)
Akito: I didn't eat her cooking, Jemu. I may be an idiot at times, but I'm not entirely stupid.
Jemu: Okay, I'll give you credit, but whose cooking did you try out and find inedible?
Akito: The girls' cooking.
Everybody else: Eh?
Akito: (Sighing.) Lapis and Ruri's handiwork.
Shinji: What did they prepare, greens-and-chili curry?
At the mention of this, Kensuke and Touji gag and start to turn green.
Akito: (Wincing.) No, it was their rendition of my Tenkawa-Style Special Noodles. But for crying out loud I don't know how a couple of super-geniuses could mess up my very precise instructions. When I served it aboard the Nadesico, everybody wanted seconds!
Gai: Was this their first time to cook?
Shiratori: Maybe they were nervous, then.
Jemu: (Grinning evilly.) Maybe your wife gave a helping hand.
HACHOOO!Hahchoo!Hachoo!
Misato: Are you and your children well, Mrs. Tenkawa?
Yurika: Sorry about that, Major.
Ruri: I apologize as well.
Lapis: Papa-san has probably been talking his head off about us to his drinking buddies in a bar somewhere.
It's the Wreck Room crew's turn to sneeze. And man, seven people falling into fits of sneezing at the same time is a lot of HA-CHOOs.
Misato: A bar, huh? Damn, it has been a while since I went a for a drink and some.
Yurika: So, can you help us? We need a map of Tokyo-3--
Ruri: Preferably one with where the drinking joints and such places are highlighted.
Lapis: And some means of transportation as well. Tokyo-3 is HUGE.
Misato: (Laughing.) I have it! The solution to your problems and mine!
Yurika: Really? You'll give us a map and a car?
Misato: Even better! We'll all go bar-hopping!
Ruri: But what about your paperwork? (Glances at the pile on Misato's desk.)
Misato: To hell with them! They'll just breed and produce more of themselves, and besides, small pile or big pile, I always feel pissed when doing paperwork, so what's the difference?
Yurika: You're right! RETTSU GOO!
Back to the Boys' Night out, AKA the Wreck Room party.
Gai: Hey, Bartender how about another round of grape sodas over here?
Jemu: (Snaps out of his reverie.) Huh? Oh. More rootbeer, coming up.
Shiratori: Not rootbeer, grape soda! Are you feeling well?
Jemu: Yes, I'm just preoccupied. Grapes, coming up at ya. (Turns to fill their order.)
Shinji: Jemu-san, what's bothering you? You were pretty quiet back there.
Jemu: The same could be said of you, you know.
Shinji: I asked first. I get answered first.
Jemu: Okay, if that's how you want it. I was worried that a couple of delicious looking female mercenaries, along with their blonde, tanned muscleman, albino warlock, and hentai squire would pop in anytime soon to arrest me.
Shinji: Eh? What charges?
Jemu: Two counts of necromancy, one count of reality alteration. And this group is mean. From what I've heard, if you don't give yourself up, they'll sic an EVA-sized monster at you that's impervious to everything.
Akito: What's necromancy?
Kensuke: Use of various powers to bring the dead back to life.
Akito: Oh? (Glances at Gai and Shiratori, who were now belting out Gekiganger songs on the karaoke and thus unable to talk right now.) Your Honor, Exhibits A and B.
Jemu: Shhhh! What if they have spies everywhere and they hear you? I'll be a goner!
Touji: But you haven't been performing any dark rituals, right? Unless you did so in the kitchen, in which case you only have one witness.
Jemu: I didn't do anything! Akito can swear to that!
Akito: Yeah, I guess.
Jemu: It's like this place is acting as a magnet for departed characters, man. At this rate, I'm expecting Ryoji Kaji to walk through those doors, order a soda and try to get a song in edgewise between those two. (Glances at the two Gekiganger buffs.)
Shinji: I wish he would. He gives pretty good advice.
Gai & Shiratori: Gan gan ga gan, Victory! Gan gan ga gan, tatakae! Gan gan ga gan, Victory! Gan gan ga gan, tobitate! Shori no V da, Gekiganger V!
A tall figure with a ponytail enters the Wreck Room and takes note of his surroundings. He stiffens in surprise upon seeing Shinji, but recovers then heads straight for the bar.
Kaji: Hello, Shinji. Fancy meeting you here.
Shinji: ...
Kaji: Still the silent type, huh? Bartender, a beer please.
Jemu: Sorry, sir, we don't serve alcohol here.
Kaji: You don't? Oh, well, a diet soda then.
Jemu: Okay. (Hands him a can.)
Kaji: Thanks. (Pops the lid, takes a swig, and makes his way toward the karaoke.) Is this a private party, or are you two guys afraid of a little competition?
Gai: Afraid of competition? Ha! A true man is never afraid of any rival!
Kaji: Then you won't mind if I do this. (Grabs the mike/selector and punches in a song.) Sora ni, sobieru kurogane no shiro...
Shiratori: Looks like thing are starting to get interesting here.
Jemu: Tell me what I experienced did not just happen.
Akito: A prophet! The man is a prophet!
Shinji: I can see it now: Necromancy 3 counts, reality alteration 3 counts, out of character LOTS of counts. Not ot mention forcing said revived people to sing.
Kaji returns to the bar after his song.
Jemu: Eh? Back so soon?
Kaji: I sing a lot longer when I'm drunk. Less self-consciousness, you know.
Shinji: I for one am glad that you're not blasted yet.
Kaji: Oh, how's that?
Kensuke: Yeah, why, Shinji? It would be fun to see Kaji sing, right?
Shinji: I need him sober because I have a big problem. I need his advice.
Touji: You invited us to go arcade-hopping this morning to forget your problems, then?
Shinji: Yes. When Akito's supposedly dead friends came back to life, my hopes lifted.
Akito: Smart. I would too. Get my hopes up, I mean.
Kaji: So, Shinji, what's this problem of yours?
Shinji looks around and notices his audience: Touji and Kensuke, Kaji, Akito, and Jemu. Suddenly, he doesn't feel like asking for help anymore.
Shinji: Uh, it's no big deal, actually...
Akito: Oh, come on. You were waiting for your dead friend to come back, and now he's here, you won't tell him? Jeez.
Shinji: Well...
Jemu: (Pulling something from the small of his back.) Hey, Shinji, remember what this is?
Shinji looks at it and flinches. It's the positron pistol from one of the earlier episodes.
Jemu: Now, the truth please.
Shinji: ...
Jemu flips the safety catch and a shrill whine emanates from the pistol, signalling everybody that the weapon is powered up and ready to fire.
Jemu: Shinji... (Aims the pistol at him.)
Shinji: OkayalrightI'lltellyoupleasedon'tshootIdon'twannadieyetnotbeforei'vehadsexwithsomebodyIcareaboutpleaseplease.
Jemu: Okay. I won't shoot. (Adopting a fake Russian accent.) Now, tell all, comrade, or you get it bad. From start, yes?
Shinji: Start? Ah, it started last night when Aya- I mean Rei showed up at Misato's apartment...
===============
BEGIN FLASHBACK 1
===============
[Knock knock knock]
Asuka: Eh? (Glances at the clock.) 9:30 PM? Now who could that be?
Asuka makes her way to the door and opens it. The answer to her question makes her eyebrows and voice rise.
Asuka: YOU! What are you doing HERE, at this time of the NIGHT?
Rei: Konnbanwa. I am here to speak with the Major.
Misato: (From somewhere inside the house.) Asuka? Shinji? Who is that?
Shinji: It's Rei and she says she needs to talk to you.
Misato: (Walks into the room.) Well, don't just stand there, Asuka. Both of you get in before you freeze to death.
Both girls do as instructed. Asuka is frowning, which is not unusual for her, and Rei, if she noticed it, gave no indication whatsoever. As usual.
Misato: Well, Rei, to what do I owe this visit?
Rei: (Pulls out an important-looking document from her bag.) Here. Maybe the Major would like to read it first.
Misato: Maybe the Major would. (Takes the document and reads it silently.)
Asuka: Well, what does Wonder Girl's letter say?
Misato: That you're going to have to put up with another member in our household, Asuka. Effective tonight, a certain Ayanami Rei's address is now the same as a certain Katsuragi Misato's.
Asuka: WHAT!? Wonder Girl, staying here?
Rei: No. Living here. Starting tonight. Ikari-kun, what's wrong? You look... pale.
=============
END FLASHBACK 1
=============
Kaji: You lucky dog, Shinji! Living in the same house with three gorgeous women.
Shinji: I don't see it as good fortune.
Kensuke: Yeah, once the rest of the school finds out...
Gai&Shiratori: Yume ga asu o younteiru...
Akito: So what happened after Rei moved in with you? She and Asuka started fighting each other over you?
Shinji: No, they didn't...
================
BEGIN FLASHBACK 2
================
Saturday dawn. Shinji didn't bother opening his eyes, his inner clock telling him that the sky was probably a beautiful mix of orange, yellows, and fading purples. What a wonderful day this was going to be, no school, so he could sleep in. Mmmmmm.
Shinji: (thinking.) My blanket seems to be better this morning. Warmer, softer, although a bit heavier. Hmmmm. Smells like the bath when Asuka gets to it first before I do. Interesting. Mmmmhmmm. It also has two heartbeats two help me relax better. Curious.
FREEZE.
Shinji: (Thinking and panicked.)Two heartbeats? Smells like girls' shampoo? Soft and warm? No, it can't be... Dare I open my eyes? I must! Even though I think I know what I'll see, I must not run away!
Shinji opens his eyes and sight fills his mind.
Shinji: I must be hallucinating. Or I'm not really awake yet. This is a dream. Yes, that has go to be it. These couldn't possibly be Rei and Asuka wearing only their undies and smiling at me like a couple of jocks at a drunk cheerleader.
Rei: Did you hear that, Asuka? Shinji-kun thinks he's still dreaming.
Asuka: Then he needs a couple of wake-up kisses, is all.
[INSERT HIGHLY IMPROBABLE SCENE OF ASUKA AND REI KISSING SHINJI IN BED HERE.]
A couple of seconds later he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Asuka notice this and takes advantage, clamping her mouth over Shinji's and exploring it with her tongue. Rei, not to be outdone, proceeds to trace the outline of Shinji's ear with her tongue and slip a hand underneath his shirt. Suddenly, Shinji's body decides that it can't take anymore of these wonderful sensations, and his mind agrees whole-heartedly, causing a simultaneous nosebleed and fainting.
Asuka: Spoilsport. So, what do we do now, Wonder Girl?
Rei: The only thing left to do. Go shopping.
Asuka: Huh?
Rei: It's simple, really. We need to blow away Shinji's mind so that he can't faint dead away while we have our wicked way with him. Apparently, my simple white cotton and your red lacies aren't up to the task. So...
Asuka: We upgrade our arsenal, bring better weapons next time. Sounds like a plan. When do we leave?
Rei: Right after breakfast.
=============
END FLASHBACK 2
=============
Akito: You heard their plans?
Touji: I thought you were asleep or KO'd.
Shinji: I don't know how I heard them. One thing's for sure: if I hadn't sneaked out of the house to collect you and Kensuke, I wouldn't be here with you guys.
Gai: No, probably not. You would have been trapped in a roiling sea of adolescent passion, unable, unwilling perhaps, to escape..
Everyone else at the bar stares at Gai.
Gai: What? Everyone has the right to wax poetic once in a while, right?
Akito: Shiratori, what has he been reading lately?
Shiratori: If I'm not mistaken, a bunch of love-love novels.
Kensuke: The ones with the racy sex scenes in them?
Shiratori: I wouldn't know, I don't touch the stuff.
Gai: Besides it's such a nice euphemism. Would you rather that I said "You would have been an unwilling participant to a raunchy teenage three-way?"
Jemu: He's got a point. Sex is nice, but one shouldn't be crude about it. One must be subtle.
Shinji: Trust me, there wasn't anything subtle about those two's plans.
Kaji: I'm surprised, though. They don't seem the type to do such actions. Granted, Asuka might, but cooperate with Rei and agree to share you? And why are you two here?
Gai: We decided that the only time worth singing is when the Author makes a songfic. Since this isn't one, ergo...
Shinji: So can any of you tell me what I should do?
This causes the adults to fall into a huddle as they try to figure out a way to help a poor beleaguered teenager. At this point, Touji and Kensuke decide to hit the video games again, realizing their friend's need for people who could give sound advice. That doesn't include them, and they know it.
Kensuke: Besides, I don't think it's nice to listen to Shinji flail about his perceived problem when we're making money off of him.
Touji: Yeah. Between those photos of yours and me selling T-shirts with his caricature on them, we should be millionaires by the time we graduate.
Kensuke: I'm telling you, it was freaky when all those girls started asking me to take pictures of Shinji and sell it to them. And the things they're willing to offer! Cash, rare manga,...
Touji: Dates, homework, underwear...
Shinji: YOU BASTARDS! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIENDS!
Kensuke: (Gasps.) Shinji! You didn't just hear that!
Touji: He's right. You were just hallucinating as a side effect from the stress of being chased by two luscious young girls.
Akito: That might explain it for him, but what about us?
It is worth noting at this point that Shinji has turned a bright red, from both mortification and anger. He launches himself at his ex-friends with a roar, but is stopped just in time by Kaji and Gai.
Kaji: No, Shinji, you musn't kill them.
Shinji: WHY? It will make me feel better!
Gai: You don't have time for that because you'll be listening to our words of wisdom.
Shinji: Okay. Let's hear them.
Akito: Being chased aboard the Nadesico by three women, I say this: let them chase you down, then make your hunters pay. The smart predator plays innocent at first, then strikes with swift ferocity.
Kaji: Yours is not a common situation, Shinji. Normally, I'd tell you to let things happen, but seeing as how you're still in school and so are they I say: get a vasectomy or make them undergo ligations.
Gai: That is the most unromantic thing I have ever heard! Don't listen to him, boy: those women WILL get you. It's best to prepare for the worst! Always carry condoms on your person, and consider getting sick with satyriasis.
Shiratori: Or that little blue anti-impotence pill in commercials. What am I saying! Don't sleep with any of them until you sort your feelings out. You wouldn't want the complications.
Jemu: Or, you could have sex with them, but with no penetration.
Shinji: Kiseki wa okoru yo, nando demo... (Glares at Jemu.)
Kaji, Gai, Shiratori, Akito: TAMASHII NO RUFURAN!!!!
Jemu: I know it sounds impossible, but if you can do it, the rewards are great.
Outside, on the streets, a really cramped car is seen approaching the Wreck Room. How cramped?
Misato Yurika and Lapis
(driver's seat) (passenger seat)
Asuka, Ruri, Rei
(back seat)
Misato: (thinking) That voice... it can't be... he's dead, by my hand...
Yurika: Hey! I thought I just heard Akito's voice! We must be getting closer!
Lapis: Not so loud, mama-san! Onee-san, remind me never to sit on mama-san's lap again. Ever.
Ruri: (From the back seat.) Lapis, don't sit on mama-san's lap. Trust me.
Asuka: Look! That bar seems to be the only one in this block.
Rei: And the singing seems to emanate from there.
Misato: That's where we're headed, then.
Asuka: Good. (To herself.) I don't know if I can't take anymore of this. (Looks at Ruri sitting beside her.) I thought Rei was an orphan, so who are these other two girls? Cousins from out of town?
Ruri: (As if reading Asuka's thoughts.) Well, we're not from Tokyo-3.
Inside...
Jemu: (Going very still.) Something wicked this way comes.
Akito: I thought the Sensing shtick was Evang's, not yours.
Jemu: Some of it is rubbing of on me, then. I predict a major chaotic mass headed this way.
Shinji: Angel attack?
Jemu: Worse.
Misato's car crashes through the doors of the Wreck Room, taking part of the doorway with it, causing Touji and Kensuke to leave their games and investigate. Fortunately, it has been reinforced by NERV engineers during a period of budget shortage in place of giving Misato a raise.
Misato: I'll be damned. Those engineers were good for something after all.
Rei: I detect the presence of an AT Field. It seems to come from the car.
Misato: Holy crow. (Uses the wipers to remove the debris.) Well, look what we have here.
Yurika: Akito's here! He's here!
Lapis: Good thing I moved out of her lap, eh, nee-chan?
Ruri: You're not light. Move.
The car doors open and the women get out.
Akito: AAAIIIIIIEEEEE! It's the Sixsome!
Jemu: Thank goodness! I thought it was those Mage Trackers or whatever it is they call themselves.
Kaji: No, it's Misato, Rei, Asuka and three other people I don't know.
Gai: The blue-haired one is Captain Yurika Misumaru Tenkawa, the girl with the moon princess hair is that weird kid from my Nadesico days, Ruri Hoshino, but who's the other pale girl?
Shiratori: Akito, is that pink-haired girl the one you were referring to as Lapis Lazuli?
Akito: Yes, that would be her.
Shiratori: I thought lapis lazuli was a blue mineral?
Akito: Beats me.
Asuka: (sweetly) Shinji! I know you're in here somewhere! Come out, come out wherever you are! (Spying Touji and Kensuke.) You two! Where is Shinji?
Kensuke: I don't know. Do you, Touji?
Touji: No, I don't either. What do we look like, his keepers?
Kensuke: Yeah, I thought you two wanted that job descriptions?
Asuka: Don't worry, we'll do more than keep him, when we get our hands on him.
Rei: As I expected, questioning these two was an exercise in futility.
Asuka: What do you suggest, then?
Rei: We search the premises. Since we didn't see anyone come out before we crashed in, and we didn't run down anyone that I know of, Shinji-kun must still be inside.
Asuka: Sound reasoning. Okay I'll take the arcade side of the place. You take the rest.
The two nod and go to their assigned duties. Meanwhile...
Yurika: So, this is where you've been hiding from me and the children.
Akito: Watch it, Yurika. You're starting to sound like a nagging housewife.
Yurika's face contorts with anger. A warhammer suddenly appears in her hands, and she throws it at Akito, who is too shocked to react. Not so the others, though, as they had seen this coming since Akito nade that comment about nagging. They dive to the floor, or behind the bar, or jump away as the warhammer bonks Akito on the head and knocks him out.
Ruri: I think Mama-san is pissed off at Aki--, um, Papa-san.
Lapis: (sarcastic) You think?
Yurika: (horrified) Oh, no, what happened! What did I just do to my dear Akito!
Jemu: (Wearing an evil grin.) Didn't you know? You pulled out one of your dishes from hammerspace and fed it to him!
Yurika: I did? From hammerspace? (Short silence.) Hey, Mr. Bartender, you seem familiar. Have we met?
Jemu: Well...
Ruri: He's the Bartender from the SpaceBar, mama.
Yurika: Of course! That explains this hammerspace stuff!
Akito moans himself back to consciouseness.
Lapis: Hammer-space? Probably explains this warhammer near papa's head.
Yurika: Akito? Are you alright? How do you feel?
Akito: Like somebody beaned me with a hammer.
Yurika: A hammer? (Glaring at Jemu.) You said I fed him one of my dishes! You said he ate one and that's why he got knocked out! You lied to me!
Jemu: Hey, can't you take a joke?
Yurika: Not when my husband gets hurt! Take this!
Yurika produces an Interdimensional Jerk Smacker/ Pervert Destroyer (TM) and starts swinging. Jemu screams something that sounds like "I'm too young to die, besides, I haven't gotten laid yet!" and dives behind the bar.
Shinji: Ow! Watch it, dude, I'm no gym mat!
Jemu: Sorry. Hey, what are you doing here?
Shinji: Something I'm really good at.
Rei: There you are, Shinji-kun. (Calls out.) Asuka, I've found him!
Asuka: I'll be right over! (Grumbling.) Damn it! Stupid invulnerable end boss! How do you kill it? (Stands up from in front of a console and makes her way to Rei.)
Kensuke: Hey, Touji, it's that ultra-cool hacker girl that I was telling you about!
Touji: Where? Oh. A little on the thin side for me, but since you to have something in common, why don't you go and get to know her better?
Kensuke: Uh, well, I... she's older than me, I think.
Touji: Since when did age ever matter? Go on ahead, re-introduce yourself. I'll even screen you from her little sister.
Kensuke: What do you know about modern dating/courtship rituals?
Touji: I'm no longer jock material, so I started reading books. Besides, I'm wanting to try out if what I've read is true.
Kensuke: All in the name of science, huh? Well, okay, here goes.
Lapis: Onee-chan, look. It's that hacker wanna-be you helped out. He and that big guy are trying to approach us, I think. Shall we freeze them solid with our Double Albino Ice Princess Routine (TM)?
Ruri: (Noticing Kensuke's awkwardness and Touji's prodding.) No. It's taking a lot out the one with glasses just to approach us. It would be cruel if we did our 2x AIP Routine.
Lapis: (Amazed.) When did you learn to read people from afar? I can only do that if I'm touching or very close, while you can do it from across a room.
Ruri: It was part of my training as a ship captain. Mama-san has that training too, you know. Why else would she marry Papa-san, despite all his faults?
Touji: Ah, excuse me.
Ruri: Yes?
Touji: Could you help us? My friend here was saying that he has, I quote, "met that really cute hacker girl sitting over there", unquoute, and I told him that I would owe him a week's worth of lunch if that was true. So, do I owe him lunch for a week?
Lapis: Yes, you do.
Ruri: Lapis is right. He was trying to hack into some sort of secret agency mainframe and was tripping alarms all over. If I hadn't been intrigued and looked over his shoulder, he'd be gone by now.
Kensuke: And I'm glad for that. My name is Kensuke, and I owe you big time. May I know the name of my savior? (Grins.)
Ruri: (Smiling slightly.) I am Captain Hoshino Ruri of the Nadesico-C, but those in my debt may address me has Ruri. By the way, before she bursts, let me introduce Lapis Lazuli, my sister. (Thinking.) I can't believe how easily that little untruth slipped from my tongue. I'm starting to worry.
Kensuke: (Shaken at the mention of Rurui's rank, but still presses on.) I'm pleased to meet you and your sister, Captain Hoshino. (Thinking.) Wow! I now know a Captain that's a hacker and a Major party animal! This is the coolest day of my life! (Aloud.) And allow me to introduce my friend, Suzuhara Touji.
Lapis: (Giggles.)
Touji: Eh? My name's funny? I never had that happen to me before.
Lapis: Sorry. But the way your friend introduced you, it seemed like we're in ball gowns and you two are in suits.
Touji: Suits? As in, like, straitjackets?
Lapis: (Giggling again.) You're a funny guy, Suzuhara-san.
Touji: Please. Call me Touji. You make me sound like I'm 40 and balding when you call me Suzuhara-san.
Meanwhile...
Misato: Kaji... you're alive...
Kaji: Yeah. Amazing, isn't it? I'm surprised, myself. One moment I was staring at oblivion, the next moment I'm walking through those glass doors which you destroyed, I'm drinking spiked soda, and I'm singing old songs.
Misato: I'm sorry. (Stares at the frosted can in front of her.)
Kaji: The past is the past. I don't know if I'll be gone in the next few minutes or so, or maybe I can stick around for a little longer. No one knows. Enjoy the present, my few moments of back-again, that's what I'm doing. I advise you to do the same.
Misato: Life is too short too dwell on the past, is that what you're saying?
Kaji: Yeah. I've forgiven you, even when you shot me, because that's what anybody would do under the same circmstances. What I really think you should do is forgive yourself.
Misato: (Smiling.) Don't worry, I have. If I hadn't, I'd be locked up in a padded room somewhere.
Kaji: Glad to hear that. (Smiles.) So, what are you doing here, beautiful?
Misato: A little errand of love. (Nodding her head toward Yurika who is currently fussing over Akito's bump.)
Kaji: And the Children?
Misato: (Grinning.) Planning a hostile takeover of some poor, confused, young man. Take a look for yourself.
Kaji looks around, spotting the Three Children in a corner of the place. There's no way out for Shinji, he notes.
Asuka-Shinji-Rei||(on a long seat)
TABLE ||
EMPTY LONG SEAT ||