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SpaceBar VI: An action episode
By James Evangelista
DISCLAIMER: All the characters in this work, save for my self-inserts (Jemu, BOS, and Evang) are copyright of their respective owners. I don't own them so don't sue, OK? By the way, the Terra Walker and the Double G Super are my creations as well. Hopefully, no one has stolen their design or names yet.
SCENE 1. The Wreck Room lounging area, where there are couches aplenty and the lighting is a relief from the flashing screens of the arcade machines. Currently inhabited by a motley collection of Evangelion characters, Nadesico characters, and a self-insert. Said characters are resting, some with their eyes closed, all enjoying the quiet and the buzz after playing a really intense game. The silence is broken, however, by a telephone ringing.
Jemu: I'll get it. (Fumbles under his seat and pulls out the phone.) Wreck Room. Jemu speaking.
Evang: Hola! This is episode 6, right?
Jemu: Yeah, this is episode 6.
Evang: Have the others figured out that you're a writer?
Jemu: Some of them have. The little girls, for example.
Evang: Keep a cell phone handy. I'll be calling you once in a while to tie up lose ends.
Jemu: What, like you a "New primary objective" warning?
Evang: Yup. Your first one, by the way is to check on those sex fiends at the bar.
Jemu: But I'm scared.
Evang: So take the others along.
Jemu: Okay.
Evang: And another thing: Kaji, Gai, and Tsukurou must not leave the premises. Unless they want to die, of course.
Jemu: Hey, what do you mean by that?
[CLICK!]
Jemu: Hello? Damn.
Jemu puts the phone down and meets the gaze of his guests.
Touji: So who was that?
Jemu: My guardian angel telling me to check on the others in the bar. Gekiganger team minus one, come with me. Ruri, don't go to the bar, okay? The sight over there is not fit for young eyes.
Ruri: Oh, please. We've probably seen worse on the Internet.
Jemu: Still. My conscience would beat me up if I didn't tell you that. (To Gai and Tsukurou.) Let's go.
Lapis: So what are we going to do? Stare holes into the ceiling?
Kensuke: Nah, that's Shinji's shtick. She's right, though. What are we going to do?
Ruri: We'll think of something.
SCENE 2. The reception area and canteen part of the Wreck Room. The tables and benches are empty, clean. The bar, however, is not. It is cluttered by two couples, currently sleeping and naked. The sight greets the three when they enter.
Gai: Look at them! Drained from their efforts of expressing their love toward each other.
Tsukurou: I'd rather not. (Turning as red as a ripe tomato.)
Jemu: Uh, what are we supposed to do here? Wake them up, tell them to get some clothes on?
Gai: That might be a little awkward, don't you think?
Tsukurou leans over to Jemu and whispers a suggestion. Jemu's face lightens up.
Jemu: Great idea, dude. Are you sure they won't kill me when they wake up and recognize my voice?
Tsukurou: That's your task: to make sure they don't realize that it's you behind the racket.
Gai: What are you two talking about?
Jemu: Follow me. This ought to wake them up without any of us getting ranted on.
They follow Jemu to the security room.
Jemu: Where, re you, my little-- aha! Here it is. (Flicks on the public announcement system.) Gai, hand me that phone over there. Thank you. (Dials up the lounge area number.) Come on, answer it.
The shrill ringing of the telephone breaks the silken silence once more.
Lapis: Three sevens. (Lays three of her cards on the table, facedown. Then she reaches for the phone.) Hello?
Jemu: Lapis, tell the others not to panic or react to whatever it is that booms out from the PA system. Whatever you're doing, continue and ignore the PA. Got that?
Lapis: Why should we? PA systems should be listened to, right?
Jemu: Well, in this case, it's a little practical joke we're going to play on those four who are still sleeping shamelessly naked in the bar. Just ignore the PA, okay?
Lapis: Yeah, sure.
Jemu: Thanks.
[CLICK.]
Lapis: That was Jemu. He says he's going to pull a gag using the PA and warned us not to panic.
Touji: Hmmm. I wonder what he's got planned.
Ruri: Whatever it is, it better wake those four up. Another seven. (Places a card facedown above Lapis' cards.)
Kensuke: And another seven.
Touji: The hell? You're bloody lying! (Flips Kensuke's card face-up. Sure enough it's a seven.)
Kensuke: Hah! Eat cards, sucker. (Pushing the pile of cards toward Touji.)
Touji: What the-- you lying, little cats... (Glares at Lapis and Ruri, who smile at him.)
The PA system comes to life, with a klaxon blaring and a digitized voice informing the occupants that the structure is under attack, that the structural integrity is dropping, the shields cannot take any more, the hot water has run out and there will be no coffee or instant noodles, etc., etc. The four children burst out laughing, hugging their sides and rolling on the floor.
PA system: Red alert! The enemy has deployed mechanized armor and is currently attacking the outer defenses! All pilots scramble!
Akito: Yurika, wake up! We're under attack!
Yurika: Huh! What-- who-- where--
Akito: Quick get dressed--
PA: I repeat, all pilots, scramble! This is not a drill. All military personnel proceed to battle stations.
Akito: -- and wake those two up as well! We need to get out of here!
Yurika: Roger that!
The two dress up very quickly. But the PA system keeps on blaring.
PA: Impact in 10, 9, 8...
Yurika: Hey, you two, wake up!
Akito: Get up! We're under attack!
Misato: Angel Attack? Where-- Oww, my head-- Where are my clothes?
Yurika: Somewhere around here.
PA: AT Field detected. AT field detected. Code: blue. Repeat: Blue AT Field detected.
Misato: Oh, no! Where are the Children?
Kaji: Somebody shut that damn thing, my head is ringing!
Misato: We're under attack, you moron! Get up and make yourself useful!
Kaji: We're being attacked?
PA: Actually, you're being woken up with a gag. Good morning to you. I would like to thank you people for providing us with a lot of material which we could sell on the 'Net and put in the "funniest video" sites out there.
Akito: Oh my god, you had us taped?
Misato: If that footage ever reaches NERV HQ, I'm ruined.
Kaji: It's a good thing the world thinks me dead.
Yurika: Even if you were caught on tape engaged in the act of procreation?
PA: Relax. I was kidding about the 'Net part. I just wanted to show you guys the possible repercussions of having sex in a public place! In my establishment, no less!
Akito: Jemu! Where the hell are you! I'm going to kill you for this! I nearly died of a heart attack back there!
Kaji: Well, as morning afters, go, this is pretty unique.
Yurika: I have a mind to ask for a naval bombardment of this joint.
Misato: Where is this fleet of yours? China Sea? Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean?
Yurika: Much farther; try between Mars and Jupiter.
Jemu: Seeing as you're all dressed and awake, I now take leave of you. Again, I bid you good morning.
In the security room...
Tsukurou: Was that really necessary?
Jemu: It wasn't but it sure was fun.
Gai: You are an evil man, Jemu.
Jemu: Yeah. But I'm no evildoer.
Tsukurou: There's a difference.
Jemu: Sure is. You see--
Jemu is interrupted by his cell phone. He pulls it out and starts talking.
Jemu: What now?
Evang: Primary objective complete. As a reward, I'll give you more information regarding your situation.
Jemu: I'm listening.
Evang: You might want to make this call available to those two guys with you. It pertains to them as well.
Jemu: (connecting a wire to the phone he's holding)Alright. Gai and Tsukurou-san can hear you now.
Evang: Good. You might be wondering why I told you to prevent Gai and Tsukurou from leaving the premises. According to a recent, uh, information feed, leaving the premises might have a bad effect on them.
Gai: What kind of effect?
Evang: The energies reanimating you might lose potency as you move farther away from the Wreck Room. One moment you're jogging through the streets, the next you'll be dead again.
Tsukurou: That's preposterous! We didn't die, we got fired?
Evang: And I suppose Ryoji Kaji also got canned from the Evangelion cast?
Jemu: Well, I never found out. But what the hell. I'll just write up a "Dead Characters' Apartment" or something and have them go there whenever they're not in one of my fics.
Evang: I assume this structure will also reflect up here?
Jemu: Yes.
Evang: Very well. Objective change: Keep those three inside until the DCA has finished construction.
Gai: Is this apartment free?
Evang: Yeah, with access to a lot of goodies as well.
Tsukurou: This will, of course , provide another jump-off point for more of your deranged writings?
Evang: Correct. Ten points for the Jovian.
Jemu: So I've practically accomplished my second mission. Now what?
Evang: According to your "To-Do" list, write on the 3 Children, 2 blonde scientists, and 1 secret government agency.
Jemu: Right. I'll be in touch.
Evang: OK. Hasta la vista.
Jemu terminates the call.
Jemu: OK. Time for a scene shift.
SCENE 3. NERV command bridge. The Commander is not present and neither is his adviser. The only people on board are the two male bridge bunnies.
Hyuuga: I swear, this computer hacker is driving me nuts! I feel like I've been tracking in circles for 18 hours straight, and I'm no closer to finding him!
Aoba: Could be a her, you know. Hacking is not monopolized by males.
Hyuuga: Whatever. (Rubbing his eyes) My eyes feel like sandpaper. If I ever find this hacker I'm gonna--
Aoba: Holy crap! Look at this!
Hyuuga: What? What have you got? (Makes his way toward Aoba's station.) That appears to be a "secret" data feed channel of sorts.
Aoba: Yeah, not uncommon, especially with MAGI and NERV, right? Let's see where this part goes. (Taps in a few commands.)
Hyuuga: (Leaning down for a closer look.) The Commander's office? Not surprising.
Aoba: Okay, how 'bout the other end. (Works his keyboard again.) Hmmm. Camera control protocol. Interesting. Recognize this address?
Hyuuga: It seems to be in one of the apartment blocks. Hey, that's the block where most NERV employees are housed in!
Aoba: Why is the Commander taping one of his people?
Hyuuga: Who knows. Could be paranoia. But the bigger question is: who? Let's see if we can access the camera.
Aoba: Okay. (Types in more commands.) Ah, here we go, receiving feed, now.
A window appears on the screen, showing an apartment bedroom in color. There is a sleeping, short-haired, nude blonde figure on the bed. The bedside table is full of feline statuary.
Aoba: Nasty, dude. It's Dr. Akagi's apartment!
Hyuuga: In her bedroom, no less. (Moves the trackball.)
The camera changes angle, just in time to catch the bathroom door open. Just in time to present the two voyeurs with a view of another blonde, this one with long hair, freshly showered from the looks of things.
Aoba: Dude, it's that new scientist they brought in. You know, the one with the French-sounding name.
Hyuuga: Damn, you're right. But what could she be doing there in Dr. Akagi's apartment?
Aoba: I don't know. (Uses the trackball to zoom out.)
The window now shows the other doctor, the one in the ridiculously short towel, making her way toward the sleeping Dr. Akagi. She reaches the bed, sits down, and leans over to whisper something to Ritsuko.
Aoba: (Taps some keys.) Increasing audio pick up, now.
Ines: Your turn in the shower, darling.
Hyuuga: Whoa! Did you hear that? 'Darling?'
Aoba: Shhhh. Pipe down.
Ritsuko: (mumbling, eyes still closed) Ai, how many hours of sleep have you gotten?
Aoba: Ai? I thought her name was Ines?
Hyuuga: Could be a nickname. Or (smiling like a lech) a pet name.
Ai: Five, four hours. I don't remember, and I don't care either.
Hyuuga: Four hours? (Checks his watch.) Dude, it's just 8:30!
Aoba: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Ritsuko's squeal makes both men look back at the monitor. They find the reason for Ritsuko's scream: Ai has pulled her hair forward and buried her face between Ritsuko's ample *CENSORED*. Two male jaws drop to the floor. Aoba recovers first.
Aoba: SWWEEEEETT!
Hyuuga: YEEEAAHH!
Maya: Are you two perverts watching porn on the Internet again?
A & S: YAAAARRGGHH! MAYA!!
Maya: Well, are you? I'll have to report this, you know.
Aoba: We didn't hear you come in.
Maya: That was obvious. (Walks toward the two.)
Hyuuga: Aoba! Hide the damn thing!
Maya: Oh, no, you don't! (Increases her speed.)
Aoba: The damn thing isn't responding! Make sure she doesn't see this!
Maya: See what? Hey! Put me down, you oaf!
Hyuuga: Aoba! Pull the power! I can't OOOF!
Maya: You can't sing the bass anymore, doof. I told you to put me down.
Hyuuga: (curled into a ball of pain on the floor) The children, the poor children.
Maya: (ignoring him) And as for you, Shigeru... (looses a well-aimed kick at her co-worker, who was on all fours, looking for the power cable, causing him to whimper and crumple)
Speakers: Oh, yes, Ritsuko, more, ah, ah, ahh...
Maya: What the hell?
Hyuuga: (in a tenor) NO! Don't look at it!
Too late. Maya freezes, the sight of her mentor raining kisses on another woman's *CENSORED* rendering her oblivious to everything else.
Maya: (Whimpering.) Sempai...
Hyuuga: (still in a helium-laced voice) Oh, no, she saw it, man.
Aoba: (in the same pitch of voice) Her world must be breaking up now.
Maya does not hear them, her mind absorbing the atrocious scene of the other blonde burying her face between Ritsuko's legs and Ritsuko moaning and tossing her head from pleasure. Her hands attach themselves to the other woman's head, pushing her further down.
Maya: IIEEEEEEEE!!!!
With that blood-curdling scream, she sets about punishing those that had brought her this level of pain. Translation: she then starts beating the hell out of Hyuuga and Aoba for showing her this little "secret." In darkened room somewhere in the Geofront...
Gendo: That ought to teach them to ignore warnings. (Smiles in his usual, Gendo way: Behind his steepled hands.)
Fuyutsuki: If you don't mind my saying so, they're NERV hackers. Delving into secrets is what they do.
Gendo: Indeed? Can they delve into the whereabouts of the Children?
Fuyutsuki: Perhaps. Assuming Ms. Ibuki snaps out of her berserk stance before killing her co-workers. It would probably take the presence of Dr. Akagi to calm her down, but seeing as she is busy with Dr. Fresange...
Gendo: I want my bridge crew alive. All of them.
Fuyutsuki: Of course. (Steps out of the office.) Damn, I hate my job sometimes. Primary adviser to Commander Ikari of NERV? Glorified gofer for some micro-dictator describes it better.
SCENE 4. The SpaceBar, where some unexpected guests are about to arrive.
BOS: Incoming units.
Evang: (Raising a command chair from the floor.) On screen, BOS. (Drops into his seat.)
Four Aestivalis units, Luna Frames all, are flying in a defensive formation around a shuttle.
BOS: We are being hailed by the pilot of the blue Aestivalis, sir.
Evang: Patch it through. (A window pops up, revealing Akatsuki Nagare's face.) Hello, Mr. Chairman. To what do I owe this visit?
Akatsuki: You know who I am? I'm impressed.
Evang: Being the president of such a huge corporation as NERGAL does have its, perks and quirks, shall we say? One of them is being easily noticed by bored people with too much time in their hands.
Akatsuki: (Chuckling.) Well, being tagged as a former womanizing champion will do that to you as well. Not as much advantage in it, though.
Evang: (Smiling slightly.) True.
Akatsuki: I am requesting permission for my crew and myself to come aboard your station. We've flown all the way from Mars, and we're -- (Breaks off his sentence.)
Evang: Running low on supplies and fuel, eh? Don't worry. Permission granted, although I must warn you, we're a little understaffed right now. (Chuckles at his own understatement.)
Akatsuki: That, or your station is so automated that you can probably control it all by yourself. Alright, were close enough for a tractor beam.
Evang: The station doesn't have tractor beams, I'm afraid. But I will open the hangar closest to your direction. You'll have to land in manually.
Akatsuki: (mumbling) Huh, pretty low-tech, aren't we?
Evang: I heard THAT! BOS! Launch Swarm Fighters now!
A hangar door opens on the surface of the SpaceBar, releasing small, unmanned interceptors in a cloud toward the approaching shuttle and its escorts.
Hikaru: Maybe you should have lowered your voice back there, Akatsuki-san.
Akatsuki: Maybe.
Ryoko: Alright! I get to fight, and I finally get some lines!
Izumi: Not to mention some "air time", after being stuck in the closet for so long. (Chuckles at her own pun.)
Not surprisingly, no one else joins her. Hikaru sweatdrops, Ryoko sweatdrops, Akatsuki sweatdrops, heck, even their Aestis and the shuttle [not the shuttle crew, mind you] sweatdrops.
Hikaru: Enemy units in weapon range!
Ryoko: Okay! None of those interceptors gets near the shuttle, understood?
Other 3 pilots: Hai!
{Insert standard Kidou Senkan Nadesico Aestivalis space fight scene here, and replace the Battas with small fighter-type aircraft the same size as an Aestivalis outside a Luna frame.}
Ryoko: That was too easy.
Akatsuki: I've had simulations harder than that fight.
Hikaru: Even Gekiganger could finish them with both hands tied behind his back.
Izumi: I agree. He would have won even if he was "disarmed" in such a way. Heheheheheh...
Ryoko: You could say that all of those fighters were really "armless".
Everybody groans whole-heartedly at Ryoko's dig, but deep inside they're all happy to avoid a totally unnecessary pun war. Aboard the shuttle...
Megumi: That has got to be the weirdest pile of in-combat transmissions that I have ever heard.
Gort: Look at it this way. At least they weren't shouting out "Wired Punch!" or "Field Lancer!" every six seconds or so.
Minato: And nobody has broken out singing again.
Hikaru: Gan gan ga gan, Victory!
Megumi: Looks like you spoke to soon.
Minato: (Sigh.) So, what now?
Akatsuki: Usually, I'd lay siege to such a station with pathetic defenses--
Evang: If anybody is interested, I have both of my Yamato Energy Guns aimed at the shuttle. Move another meter and you can kiss your military man, your secretary, and your nurse-turned seiyuu-turned comm officer goodbye.
Ryoko: You wouldn't dare!
Hikaru: That's not fair!
Izumi: They rhyme! In the midst of crisis time, they rhyme! Heeheeheeheehee!
Evang: Do you know, I've decided to rethink my decision to offer succor after being insulted. But after you destroyed my little Swarm Fighters, I'm really reconsidering if I would want such rude guests on board.
Ryoko: Shimata! Akatsuki, this is all your doing!
Akatsuki: Who, me? How was I supposed to know that the station commander would be so childish?
Hikaru: You just insulted him again!
Izumi: (Brings out her ukulele and starts strumming.)
Minato: Megumi, do something.
Megumi: Why me? I'm just the comm officer.
Gort: I'm no diplomat, either. But you do have better interpersonal skills than either me or Minato.
Megumi: How can that be? Minato was a secretary, for crying out loud.
Minato: It doesn't take much interpersonal skills on my part, I'm afraid. I could say anything to men to snap them out of staring at my chest, and they all reply as if I said "Excuse, can I help you?"
Megumi: See? Such power! It might work here!
Gort: Or it may not.
Megumi: Anyway, we have nothing to lose even if we fail.
Gort: Except our lives.
Megumi: If you have nothing bright to say, Dr. Gloom,...
Minato: Alright, I'll do it. (Starts to rearrange her clothing.) But on one condition.
Megumi: Anything!
Minato: We do it together. (Smiles sweetly at Megumi.)
Megumi: Eh? Minato, I never thought you'd be interested in women, certainly not in me.
A hush descends in the shuttle.
Megumi: Oh. You mean your secretary act. Sorry about that. But I don't know what to do!
Minato: Don't worry, just follow my lead.
Meanwhile, a communication holo-screen appears in the SpaceBar.
Jemu: Talk to me, dude. BOS just alerted me to Swarm Fighter launch and Yamato Reactor activation. What's going on?
Evang: Well, it goes a little something like this. (Narrates the events to Jemu.)
Jemu: I see it gets really exciting up there when I'm not around. Me, I'm just serving breakfast and cooling down tempers here, is all.
Evang: Who is there, anyway?
Ruri: Just me, Lapis, and some nice boys from Tokyo-3.
Yurika: Me and Akito, as well. By the way, your partner is an asshole.
Akito: Yeah, worse than that stupid Admiral who self-destructed.
Misato: Almost like my boss, only my boss is a bigger one.
Kaji: So big, you could slip his son in and out of it and he wouldn't notice.
At this point Shinji Ikari awakens. He frowns at the unfamiliar surroundings, then his gaze falls on his naked self and the equally naked, young, nubile female bodies beside him and it all comes back to him in a rush.
Shinji: No! What have I done! (Gets dressed and leaves the suite.)
Asuka: (Groggily.) Shinji? Owww.
Rei: He's upstairs, I think. I am... sore, as well.
BOS: We are being hailed by the shuttle, Master.
Evang: On screen. Oh, it's you, Miss Haruka. I know you're not too pleased at the situation...
Predictably, his eyeballs fix themselves on Minato's bountiful, um, charms.
Minato: Please, could you please not aim that BIG, POWERFUL WEAPON at little old me? (Bats her lashes.)
Evang: Uh... (Has trouble processing this and decides to run it backward.) Well, I don't think you're old. Or little.
Gort: (whispering to Megumi) According to what little data I could gather from him, this Evang character seems to have a certain, ah, fondness for (looks at his data screen) school girls? This guy is a pervert!
Megumi: (whispering as well) Perfect! Thanks, Gort-san! (She stands up and heads over to the back of the shuttle, away from curious eyes. She returns dressed in a 21st century, low-cut schoolgirl outfit and goes over to where Minato is, after modulating her voice to "high school jailbait in skirt" mode.) Please, sempai, you wouldn't want to see me dead as well, would you? (Sheds a few tears to add to the effect.)
Gort: (Raises a placard with "Acting: 9.5 - Costume: 10.00" written on it.)
Evang: (Really having severe brain slowdown, thanks to Megumi's 'attack'.) No, Meg-chan, I... (Stares at the expanse of Megumi's flesh revealed by the opened buttons of her blouse.) I, uh...
Unbeknownst to him, he is being watched even as his brain turns into primordial soup.
Akatsuki: It seems to be working. (Grins salaciously.)
Ryoko: Quiet, fool! You might break the spell!
Hikaru: And I thought the fastest way to a man's heart was through his stomach.
Izumi: They are feeding him... with EYE CANDY! Heeheeheeheehee!
Tsukurou: Minato... (Stares open-mouthedly, starting to drool as well.) Minato...
Yurika: What do YOU think you're looking at! (Slapping Akito back to reality.)
Akito: OWW! What was that for?
Lapis: Onee-chan, why does Papa have a red mark that looks like a hand on his cheek?
Ruri: That's because he's being baka again. (Looks over to Touji and Kensuke.) Like those two.
Lapis: Does staring make you into a baka?
Ruri: (Sighs.) I'll explain later if you really want to know. Better yet, I'll let Omoikane explain it.
Touji: Melons. Mmmmmmm.
Kensuke: Watermelons. Tasty.
Gai: (Covering the boys' eyes.) That's enough for both of you.
Kensuke: Believe me, mister, it's more than enough for me.
Touji: The memory of that sight will keep me warm through the winters.
Tsukurou: Jemu! What kind of man is your partner! A lowlife scum who can only be negotiated with by playing on his basest interests! I will destroy him! (Storms toward the door.)
Jemu: Damn! Somebody stop him!
Yurika: Why? He deserves to get trounced by Tsukurou's Gekigan-type for being scum!
Jemu: I wasn't referring to him! If Tsukurou steps out of the weird atmosphere of this place, we might lose him, this time for good!
Gai: What? (Releasing his hold over the boys' eyes.) GEKIGAN... TACKLE! (Crashes into Tsukurou and pulls him to the floor.)
Tsukurou: Gai! I thought you were my friend! Why are you doing this? Let go this instant!
Gai: Sorry, friend, but it's for your own good. You'll die if you leave.
Tsukurou: I don't care if I die! As long as I'm taking that evildoer with me!
Kaji: (Walking over to the two.) From what I heard you won't even get to fight this Jemu person. You won't be able to get even close enough to yell at him.
Back in space...
Minato: So, please forgive our stupid idiot of an escort. Do it for me. I know you want to. I'd be very grateful if you do. (Gives Evang a wink.)
Megumi: Sempai, if you do this little thing for me, you can ask me any favor you want.
Evang: Uh, let me think, um, wait, ANY FAVOR?
Megumi: (To herself.) Oh, no, what have I done? (Aloud.) Yes! I'll do whatever you say, if you let us on board.
Evang: If I let you in, I can get my reward from you then. Okay. BOS! Open bay doors!
BOS: They are now being opened!
Evang: Nyehehehehehe, finally, a chance to get one over that no-good partner of mine. And I get one favor from the beautiful Ms. Reinard as well. This must be my lucky day-night cycle!
BOS: Should I power down the Yamato Cannons, then?
Evang: Do that. I wouldn't want to destroy Ms. Reinard and her friends by accident.
BOS: Power to cannons has been re-routed to Improbability Turbine. Reporting 5 units in hangar 6.
Evang: Let them in, then. I'll just go freshen up for someone aboard that shuttle.
All of this, of course is being observed by the Wreck Room party. Meanwhile, somewhere in hammerspace...
Shinji: One dozen steps left. I think I can push the trapdoor up if I can get to it.
The stairs shake, and Shinji falls on his ass. Looking up, he sees...
Shinji: What the? The trapdoor was there a while ago! Now all that's there is an endless stairwell! Son of a female dog!
Asuka: (from a few meters down the stairs) Shinji! There you are! You naughty, naughty little boy! We still have half a bottle of those red pills Mr. Evang gave us.
At this, Shinji's blood turns cold. Looking back he sees the two sex fiends he spent the last few hours with, the albino one holding said bottle of pills. The two begin to make their way up to him. Shinji goes "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" and starts running up the stairs.
Shinji: (muttering) Mustn't let them catch me mustn't let them catch me mustn't let them catch me mustn't let them catch me...
Asuka: Rei! Faster! He's pulling away!
Rei: He will NOT get away. We WILL get him.
Anyway, back on Tokyo-3...
Jemu: Hmmm. It appears BOS has not yet closed communications. BOS? Come in, this is Jemu.
BOS: I read you loud and clear, sir.
Jemu: Alright, here's what we'll do. For Tsukurou-san's sake, and for a little more fun in the universe, we are going to go to the main lounge of the SpaceBar.
Akito: I won't ask. Another hammerspace thing, then?
Jemu: My, you're good. Do you want to be engineer on my station?
Yurika: He'll pass, thank you.
Jemu: You're right. He wouldn't make a good engineer after all. How about you little one? Would you like to get your hands on a spaceport of your own?
Lapis: Really? I'll control all of it?
Yurika: NO! No, no, no, NO!
Lapis: But he's asking me--
Yurika: Do you think I'll leave you alone on that tub with that pervert up there as well?
Kensuke: You mean the other guy we were talking to is really in outer space?
Ruri: Yes. I've been to it, docked outside, but I never actually stepped in.
Touji: Why?
Ruri: I still respect and value my sanity, you see.
Jemu: I'm afraid we'll all go. You see (presses a button) I've commenced the sequence which will rematerialize the Wreck Room in the SpaceBar. And then I'll close the Wreck Room, so we will have no choice but to go to the lounge.
Yurika: With Evang in there.
Jemu: Unfortunately.
Tsukurou: Aha! A chance to avenge the insult done to my beloved's person, and to Ms. Reinard's as well! Justice shall cry out this day!
Misato: He seems to be doing a lot of that already.
Kaji: Is he always like this?
Gai: No, only when Minato is in the vicinity.
Kaji: Say, Misato, don't you have work to do?
Misato: Are you still blasted? Today's Sunday. Nobody works on Sunday. Nobody! Except maybe Cmdr. Ikari, Fuyutsuki-san, Maya, Aoba, and Hyuuga.
Kaji: That's the entire NERV command bridge!
Misato: Not really. I'm not there.
Jemu: We've arrived, safe and sound.
Tsukurou: Ha-ha! Time for--
Jemu: Yeah, yeah, we know. Time for righteous ass-kicking because you saw my business associate was admiring your fiancee's rack. (To the others.) Everybody out! We don't want to miss the fireworks! (Proceeds to shepherd the people out of the Wreck Room.)
Gort: Everybody here? (Looks around him, at the people arrayed at his left and right. Cooking squad, check; crazy pilots, check; sister of dead Jovian, clustered with cooks; henpecked military officer, check; Super Secretary, not more than one meter from her boss; temporary seductresses, back in character.) Looks like we're ready to go.
Megumi: Um, can I stay behind in the shuttle?
Minato: Now, now, Megumi, reneging on a promise is not good.
Akatsuki: True. He might decide to flood the entire station with poison gas or something, and where would we be?
Megumi: But, I--
Erina: Oh, so we're afraid of being asked for THOSE kind of favors, are we? To get to where you want to go, to have what you most want, a woman must do everything necessary.
Megumi: I'm not like YOU, you know. Or do you want to trade places?
Erina: I'm not afraid of any man, unlike some people present right now.
Ryoko: If you don't want that nut to pounce on you upon sight, I suggest you trade clothes with Yukina now.
Hikaru: Although she does look cute in NERGAL uniform.
Akatsuki: Thank you, I had a hand in designing those uniforms.
Izumi: Clothes do not make the man. Or young women.
Yukina: (mischievous grin) It's okay, I kind of like it. You can keep that Megumi-san, I have tons of that outfit.
Gort: Let's move.
Jun: Wait we can't go yet! I haven't had anything to say!
Gort: Congratulations. Now move.
The doors to the lounge slide open as both parties enter. Predictably, chaos ensues. What follows is not a blow-by-blow account of the events. Really, it isn't.
Yurika: Hey, look! Everybody's here!
Izumi: Mistress of understatement.
Hikaru: Just like the old days! (Spying Tsukurou and Gai.) Look! It's Ken from Gekiganger! Two of them!
Minato: Huh?
Hikaru: There! (Points to a grinning Gai and a somewhat cooled-down Tsukurou.)
Gort: Both of them, alive?
Yukina: Onii-chan! Grab.(Grabs Minato by the arm) RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN (and rushes over, dragging the older woman behind her.)
Tsukurou: Yukina! Minato! (Runs forward to embrace both of them.)
Jun: Hey, isn't that Mr. Yamada beside--
Gai: The name Yamada Jiro is just a mask - the name of my soul is DAIGOUJI GAI!
Megumi: I don't believe it. Yama-- I mean, Daigouji Gai, alive, in person! And Tsukurou-san as well!
Erina: What do you make of this?
Akatsuki: I think I need a drink.
Ryoko: (walks over to Tsukurou and punches him lightly in the arm, causing him to yelp) Yup, alive and kicking.
Izumi: With a sore arm.
Misato: I think we're a little out of place here. (Kaji nods, still staring at the sheer number of happy people in this room, unbelieving.)
Akito: Nah. Just wait when the party starts. You'll blend right in.
Kensuke: And you worked with these folks?
Ruri: Yes. If you'd like an introduction, I could arrange that.
Touji: Ve vould be honored, Kepten. (Salutes floppily, and so does Kensuke.)
Lapis: (Under her breath.) Baka baka.
It was at this point that the trapdoor flew open, sending Jun yelling and hurtling toward a table. His yells and his crash landing take Yukina's attention.
Yukina: Excuse me, brother dear. Step step step step... stop. Lean. Jun, are you okay?
Jun: My legs... I can't feel my legs.
Yukina: Stare. You aren't even drunk yet.
A disheveled looking Shinji Ikari leaps through the doorway with a yell that would have done a Gekiganger pilot proud. His hair is mussed, like somebody has run her hands through it, his shirt is unbuttoned halfway down his to his waist, and his pants, though buttoned and still on him, are unzipped.
Shinji: (To no one in particular.) Help! They're after me! Somebody save me!
Yurika: (Turning to see what the commotion was about.) IKARI SHINJI! Shame on you! (Claps her hands over Lapis Lazuli's eyes, who has turned to look as well.)
Akito: Look, Shinji looks like he got laid!
Kaji, Gai, Tsukurou: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Misato: Shinji! Where have you been? What have you done? Or rather, (grinning salaciously) WHO have you DONE?
Akito, Gai, Kaji, and Tsukurou laugh out loud at this, although Akito and Tsukurou were cut off by elbows to the ribs from their respective better halves. It is to the sound of laughter that the First Child and Second Child make their entrance.
Kaji: Your Honor, (bowing to Misato) Exhibits A (indicating Asuka) and B (gesturing to Rei). Or is it B and A?
Misato: Hmmm. Mr. Ikari, answer the question.
Shinji: I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, and you can't possibly prove anything.
Asuka: Really? Shall I have forensics analyze the bed sheet below?
Rei: ...
Jemu: Ms. Ayanami, could I see that bottle you're holding?
Rei: ... (gives it to Jemu)
Jemu: (Gasps.) HL-pills!
Akito: What?
Jemu: Hyper Lemon pills! It's like taking Viagra and irradiating your balls at the same time! Unwanted pregnancies and sexual inexperience solved with just one product. Only $2000 per pill. Availability and legality varies per area. With BFAD permit #70506040865 series of 2002.
Evang steps in, freshly washed and dressed to the nines, interrupting Jemu's infomercial.
Evang: Ah, good, everybody is here! This means that the beautiful Megumi Reinard is here as well!
Tsukurou: And she's not the only one that has arrived! So has your judgment!
FLOOR PLAN--SpaceBar Main Lounge NOTE: Since it's hammerspace, expect some differences every episode.
[DOOR 1 (from Hangar)]
[]Hammerspace corridor Hammerspace Corr.[]
________
THE BAR | Table 1(NERGAL)Table 2(MegMinYu) Table 3 Table 4 Table 5 ___________________
_____ | |
| | 6 7(Tenkawas) 8 9 10 |
| | | Stage
| | 11(Kids) 12(Pilots) 13 14 15 | for
| | | Live
| | Trapdoor | Perfomances
| | to |
| | Hammerspace |
| | Suite(s?) |
| | |
| | 16(EVA) 17 18 19 20 |
| | |
| | |
_____| | 26 27 28 29 30 |
________| |___________________
31 32 33 34 35
[]HS corridor HS Corridor []
[DOOR 2 (from Wreck Room)]
Evang: The hell? Who are you?
Tsukurou: Defender of truth, justice and of exploited Earth women! Take this! FIST OF JUSTICE!
Akito: Ah, the party's started. How about some music to go with it?
Jemu: OK, BOS. Hit it!
Hidden loudspeakers blare out "Rettsu Gooo Gekigangaa 3."
TABLE 2
Minato: Tiresome, but apt.
Megumi: I hope he kills that dirty old man.
Yurika: (from table 7) Since when did you become so bloodthirsty, Megumi?
Meg: Since I got propositioned on the way here.
Yurika: I shouldn't say this, but I agree with you. Evang was disgusting back there.
Meg: Back where?
Akito: (another table 7 occupant) Back on Earth. Those boys (indicating table 11, where Ruri, Lapis, Touji and Kensuke sat) were drooling, as well as Tsukurou.
Minato: (to Yukina) I do hope your idiot brother was drooling over me, and not Meg-chan.
Yukina: Sigh. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure he was. You've spoiled him for other women, onee-san.
On table 12, another serious scuffle was taking place.
Ryoko: Hikaru, take the ukulele away from her, I'll try to pin her down!
Hikaru: Alright, Izumi, no one's going to die tonight.
Izumi: A stage for live acts! Must get on it. Must perform. Must get away from you two.
R & H: No stinking WAY!
Gai: (Approaching the three) Is there a problem, ladies?
Hikaru: (Letting go of Izumi's arms) Wow! You really look like Ken from Gekiganger! Would you mind if I drew you? I'm Amano Hikaru, by the way. I'm an Aesti pilot for the Nadesico, a manga artist and I like rice crackers!
Ryoko: Hikaru! Help me here or we'll all suffer! You can flirt or gush over him later!
Hikaru: Oh, the screaming one is Ryoko. She's also pilot. She doesn't like Gekiganger that much, I'm afraid. The other one is Izumi. She's a pilot too.
Gai: Does she like Gekiganger as well?
Hikaru: You know, I haven't asked. Izumi, how do you feel about Gekiganger?
Izumi: If it would release me from Demoness Ryoko's grip, I'd marry it and have its children. Let go, Demoness!
Hikaru: Um, I think it's OK with her. What's your name?
Ryoko: Hikaru, I think she's breaking away!
Gai: I am Daigouji Gai, last seen on episode two of Kidou Senkan Nadesico. I was a great pilot, er, warrior of justice and Tenkawa's fighting partner. Until management fired me, that is. Made me die at the end of episode 2, shot by a deserter. What an inglorious way to die! It was unfit for the glorious soul of Gekiganger!
Hikaru: (Wiping tears from her eyes.) That is so like manga! Do you mind if I write it down for future use?
Gai: No, not all.
Izumi: (escaping from Ryoko) The spirit of free expression, wittiness and creativity has broken away from its shackles! Feeble mortals, beware! Heheheheheheh... (Runs toward the stage, ukulele in hand.)
Ryoko: All is lost. Woe to us all. We die horrible deaths this night. (Turns on Hikaru.) And this is all your fault!
Table 1...
Akatsuki: (Takes a sip from his glass.) So who's winning the fight?
Erina: (looks around, eyebrow raised) Hard to say. It has started to take the proportions of a Serpent Orb Y episode.
Gort: (sitting still) At least the attack names are apt for this fight. Not unlike Daigouji, who thinks an Aestivalis sortie is a Gekiganger episode.
Akatsuki: Was he any good? (Looking at Gai, who was currently arguing with Ryoko.)
Gort: He was.
Akatsuki: (Looks around, spying the Three Children, Misato and Kaji across the room.) And who are those characters?
Erina: They're from another series, I think. Lower technology, meaner aliens. Plus fewer females in the important cast.
Tsukurou: FUTARI KEN! HISSATSU! BAKURETSU... GEKIGAN FINISHU KICK! (Lands his blow perfectly, destroying whatever hopes Evang had for the continuation of his line.)
Evang: (Coughing blood, then falls on his knees to the floor.) Nanda kono chikara wa? [What power is this?](Closes his eyes and falls on his face.){THUD}
Loudspeakers: Shori no V da, Gekiganger V!...
Tsukurou manages to send "V" signs to his audience before turning his attention to Megumi, who was tugging on his sleeve.
Tsukurou: Ah, Megumi-san. What is it? Do you have another evildoer who has done you wrong?
Megumi: None that I know of anymore. Thank you.
Tsukurou: He's not dead, just out cold. Come, I shall escort you to your table.
Jemu: Crap. Here, Akatsuki. A thousand creds.
Akatsuki: I may be a bastard, but I sure know how to spot potential.
Jemu: You must admit, it was pretty much unsure back there. Either one could win-- what?
Akatsuki: You actually thought that crazy lug you have for a partner could win against Tsukurou? I should be owning this rig right now.
Jemu: How so? You knew from the start who would win?
Gort: To borrow a few words from Daigouji: He was fighting for the just cause, and justice always wins in the end.
Erina: Besides, he landed the first hit, or weren't you watching from the start?
Jemu: I was working. Filling out the orders of a party this big isn't easy, even for a man of my capabilities. Excuse me, I have to prevent a death from happening.
Table 16. Its occupants are silent. All look serious. Finally, one of them speaks.
Misato: Hey, where're the beers I ordered?
Jemu: (Dragging the remains of Evang to a hammerspace corridor.) Damn. BOS, you tend the bar, while I take care of this guy.
BOS: Masususnod, kamahalan.
Jemu: And set primary reply language to English. And stop the 'Majesty' crap.
BOS: Opo.
Jemu: (raising his voice) Okay, may I have your attention please. The station's computer will now take over for me. If you have any orders, address them to BOS. Meanwhile, I'll just head over to sick bay. Thank you. (exits)
Seating Arrangement, Table 16. Table 16 has a round table, so the arrangement goes: Shinji-Misato-Rei-Asuka-Kaji.
Kaji: So, Shinji, how does it feel to discover one of the greatest mysteries of all time, or in your case, uncover the two greatest mysteries of your life?
Shinji: It was pretty OK, I guess, until they turned into sex maniacs!
Asuka: We prefer to be known as 'affection addicts'.
Shinji: There's a difference?
Rei: Yes. Sex maniacs will tackle anything that moves. Sex maniacs will also try to reproduce with anything over 2 inches long and less than 3 inches in diameter.
Shinji: And you're different because...?
Asuka: We're only interested in tackling you. (Smiles at him, like a cat that has cornered a mouse.)
Misato: Well, I see nothing wrong with this. Unless, of course, the complications that arise will interfere with your studies or your piloting.
Kaji: But thanks to these (picks up the bottle of HL-pills and shakes it) none of that will happen.
Shinji: What happens when the pills are gone? Will you be trying to explain to my father that one of his pilots can't pilot because she's pregnant?
Rei: Synchronization with a pregnant female has never been tried.
Asuka: I, of course, am willing to offer my body for the advancement of science.
Shinji: I just bet you are.
As they were saying the last few lines, the familiar white glow of a Boson jump fills the bar.
Touji: Yow! What is happening?
Kensuke: I'm blind, I'm blind, temporarily blinded!
Yurika: (Tensing.) Akito...
Akito: Boson jump? (Yurika nods.) Stay close. Ruri, Lapis, over here, quickly!
Doctors Akagi and Fresange materialize from the glow, a bed sheet wrapped around their firm, well-developed bodies.
Ai: Damn. Not this place again.
Ritsuko: The outer space drinking joint?
Jemu: (Walks in from hammerspace) Get the name right: the SpaceBar. (Takes a really good and long look at the newcomers.) Zap-a-rooty! Blonde bombshell action! (Lets out a long whistle.)
Misato: What's that? Ritsuko! And that ice-queen blonde that could have been her sister!
Kaji: Looks like Shinji's not the only one who's getting some these days.
Both women, if they felt the weight of all of the eyes on them, gave no evidence of it.
Ritsuko: (Coolly.) Do you have a changing room here?
Ai: (Calm.) More importantly, do you have suitable clothes on board?
Jemu: Hmmm. The corridors here are tele-empathic hammerspace tunnels. Do you understand what that means?
Ai: We can twist reality, entering one and exiting into a room with more clothes than Imelda Marcos has shoes?
Ritsuko: (Nodding.) Like where I got LCL on this thing, only on a bigger scale.
Jemu: I always did like smart ladies. Take your pick, there are four of them.
Ai and Ritsuko make their way to the hammerspace corridor nearest to them, which was to the left of the stage where Izumi was holding forth.
Izumi: So I asked the chicken, "Chicken, chicken, why did you cross the road?" It didn't answer, just kept staring at the naked blondes who crossed earlier. (Strums her ukulele.)
Gai: What was that all about? Who were those naked women?
Hikaru: The one with long hair was Dr. Ines Fresange, who joined us when we went to Mars. As for the other one, I don't know who she is.
Ryoko: If Uri-P was here, we'd have some real entertainment. Not that Serpent Orb Y episode earlier.
Gai: Uri-P?
Hikaru: Yeah, the Nadesico's head technician. Browned skin, glasses, dark hair--
Gai: That old son of a goat?
Seiya: Who's an old goat? (Whaps Gai on the head with a multi-folded sheet of paper.)
Ryoko: How did you get here, old man?
Hikaru: I thought only Martians and Jovians could Boson Jump.
Seiya: I'm crushed, Hikaru. It's like you're not real glad that I'm here.
Hikaru: (Blushing.) Well, I...
Gai: Who could be real glad that you're here, old man? Especially (places an arm across Hikaru's shoulders) when she doesn't seem to want your presence.
Seiya: (Stares at Gai's arm) So, is that the way it is? We seasoned men shouldn't be easily discounted, you know. What we lack in vigor and stamina, we make do with technique. Not like stupid young bucks.
Gai: Are you calling me stupid, you hairy old fart?
Seiya: You want to turn it into a federal case, boy?
Gai: (Stands up) LET'S GET IT ON!
The two arch-rivals proceed beating the heck out of each other.
Ryoko: Told you there'd be entertainment if Uri-P was here.
Hikaru: It isn't entertaining, it's shameful. Grown men, acting like boys.
Ryoko: Aren't you thrilled to have two men fighting over you? It's like in manga, right?
This new bout of brawling has attracted the attention of the other patrons.
Jun: Look, there's another fight going on. It looks like Mr. Daigouji with someone else.
Yukina: Stand. Stare. I don't recognize the other man.
Jun: You mean you can tell who it is from the pants he wears?
Izumi starts playing a catchy stomp-your-feet/clap-your-hands Western country tune.
Yurika: Seiya's here? But I didn't feel anything!
Erina: It must be a new form of transportation that Mr. Uribatake has used. Think of all the possibilities that this could entail. No telltale flash, no getting lost, no nanomachines required.
Akatsuki: Now, now, Erina, you're off duty. We can grill him later.
Touji: Hey, another fight. Place your bets, everyone. Gekiganger vs. the Dark Empire!
Kensuke: Aha, my camera still works! (Trains it on the melee.) My bet's on Gekiganger!
A solar plexus blow sends Gai down on the floor.
Gai: Bloody dirty fighting technique. I'm sorry Miss Nanako, I won't be spending my days on the ocean with you after all.
{THUD!}
Seiya: (Rising slowly from his fighter's crouch) Nanda? Kasukatta dake sa? [What That was it?] Time for a beer, then.
Touji: Yeah! Gekiganger loses! You owe me two weeks worth of lunch, fool!
Kensuke: Nooooooooo!
Yukina: Smack fist into palm. Damn. The old man won.
Jun: Finally! A reprieve from being under a woman's thumb for all this time! It's my turn! Hahahahahahahaha!
The two doctors reappear, dressed in sleeveless blouses and slacks. Their heeled sandals make clicking noises on the floor as they head toward the Evangelion table.
Ritsuko: Ai says the 'explain' sayer was from this table.
Shinji: Ai? Oh, that must mean you, Dr. Fresange.
Ai: (Slipping into a chair, Ritsuko doing the same.) Yes. So, what needs explaining?
Ritsuko: And what are these? Appetizers?
Asuka: In a way. (Turns to Rei, who also faces her and smiles.) It makes some things very good to eat.
Shinji: Those are pills that, umm...
Ai: Yes? What do these pills do?
Kaji: They say that its effects on men are similar to taking Viagra and a vasectomy for two hours. Mindless, worry-free sex until the pill loses its effects.
Misato: We were wondering if it was possible to make more of these things. Then flash, you were here.
Ai: I see. And the 'explain' part?
Misato: Oh, that. (Chuckles.) Shinji was asking how I would explain it to his father if the pills run out and he gets one of the female pilots pregnant.
Rei: It is possible for both female pilots to be impregnated.
Shinji: It is?!
BOS: Construction complete.
Jemu: Really? That fast?
BOS: Dead Characters' Apartments ready to receive occupants as of 3.46 seconds ago.
Jemu: Thanks for the update, BOS. I'll just spread the news to everybody else. (Goes over to the stage.) Hello, Miss Maki. (Grabs a microphone) Attention, attention.
All eyes turn to him.
Izumi: Wow. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jemu: What, talk?
Izumi: Hehehehe. No, grab their attention.
Jemu: Tell you what: have a few drinks with me, and catch the words of wisdom as they drop from my wasted tongue. Later?
Izumi: Okay.
Jemu: Great. (To the mic.) I am pleased to announce that the Dead Characters' Apartments are now online. It means that Misters Ryoji, Daigouji and Tsukurou can now wander around without fear of being sucked back into purgatory. The same goes for all other dead characters that might be revived as this work progresses. Thank you.
Applause, applause, and congratulations. Everybody resumes eating, drinking, talking, making lame jokes, the usual stuff everybody does when sitting in front of food and drink.
Akito: Ah, peace at last. No hostile Jovians jumping in, no suicide missions to be sent to.
Shinji: No alien invaders intent on destroying the Earth either.
Asuka: Then what will we do to pass the time?
Rei: Don't you mean, WHO?
Asuka: That's a good one, Rei. (Both of them stare hungrily at Shinji.)
Shinji: Will you two knock it off? Don't you know you're embarrassing me in front of all these people? Dr. Akagi, what do you think is wrong with them?
Ritsuko: I don't see anything wrong with their behavior. They're behaving as I would expect a couple of fifteen-year old girls to behave around a handsome teenage boy.
Shinji: That's just it! I want them back to normal! I want them to stop chasing me around and carting me off to bed!
Ai: Why don't you ask Akito for help... wait, that won't work either.
Shinji: Why? He was a teenager once, wasn't he?
Ai: He wouldn't be a good candidate to give advice because he eventually married one of the girls that were chasing him.
Akito: Yup, story of my life. Moral of the story: running away will get you nowhere.
Yurika: So, you equate me with nowhere, huh? And the kids as well?
Akito: No, I... (Shrivels under the combined stares of Yurika, Ruri, and Lapis Lazuli.)
Asuka: Maybe we should stop staring so at Shinji, Rei. He might, you know, shrivel up as well.
Rei: Don't worry, I'm sure Dr. Akagi can figure out the secret of these pills.
Ritsuko: Why not? It's not as if I had anything else to do. This reminds me, I need to talk with someone from Ai's series that has knowledge of their technology. Any suggestions?
Yurika: Well, there's Ines for Boson jumping and gravity, and I guess you could talk to Seiya Uribatake for all the facts about Aestis.
Ritsuko: Aestis?
Akito: Short for Aestivalis units. Standard powered armor of our series. You should ask Tsukurou Shiratori about Gekigan-types and their robotic, computerized armies.
Ritsuko: Which one is he?
Kaji: He's the one that looks like he stepped out of a 70's robot series.
Misato: Yeah, the one that's still standing up.
Kaji: No, that's Gai Daigouji.
Misato: How can you tell?
Kaji: He's still holding his chest, evidence of receiving a powerful blow there. Tsukurou Shiratori is on table 2, with those two women with the lovely, uh, with the women we were watching at the Wreck Room.
Back on Tokyo-3, NERV bridge.
Gendo: How did you manage to save those two hackers from our local battle queen, Fuyutsuki?
Fuyutsuki: Pressure points technique. Effective not only on arthritis, but on unsuspecting individuals as well.
Gendo: Hmmm.
Fuyutsuki: You never told me why you were agreeable in helping that Tenkawa person.
Gendo: I had been assured that it would be worth my while.
Fuyutsuki: Why? What have you been promised? A way to stop SEELE once and for all?
Gendo: We shall see. Tell me, old friend, how would you stop a rampaging EVA?
Fuyutsuki: I'll do as Major Katsuragi did - if the AT field is too powerful, I'll hit it with positron rifles.
Gendo: But what if the EVA withstood a positron stream? If the beam merely splattered against it? What then? How would you stop it?
Fuyutsuki: That's impossible. No AT field can withstand a positron beam.
Gendo: No AT field, yes. But a distortion field might.
Fuyutsuki: What?
Gendo: You have asked what I had been promised, Fuyutsuki. What I had been offered by Tenkawa's mysterious patron, who had sent us the stem cells we used on him.
Fuyutsuki: A way to protect Evangelion from its fatal weakness?
Gendo: That was one of those I was promised to receive. If I am right, we will also have the means to send Evangelion to the stars, taking the fight to where these Angels come from.
Fuyutsuki: That's preposterous!
Gendo: Is it? Makoto?
Hyuuga: Sir!
Gendo: Do we have an analysis of the ship currently in the harbor?
Hyuuga: Yes, sir, we do.
Gendo: Tell us, how is it powered?
Hyuuga: (Calling up a file.) It appears that the ship is propelled by manipulation of gravitic forces.
Aoba: Beg your pardon sir, but I have detected emissions similar to those of a nuclear submarine's reactor.
Fuyutsuki: You have? What is this talk of gravitic power, then, Mr. Makoto?
Hyuuga: Well, sir, the--
Maya: Sir! Unknown units moving our way, sir! Their flight pattern will bring them on top of us if they land!
Aoba: I count nine of them descending on us!
Hyuuga: Establishing visual contact now!
A monitor showing nine winged, white shapes, like circling carrion birds, falling in a controlled spiral toward the ground. Toward the unsuspecting city of Tokyo-3.
Maya: Analysis like no Angel we've seen, Commander!
Gendo: So noted.
Fuyutsuki: Is this SEELE's work?
Gendo: Perhaps.
Fuyutsuki: Send a red alert to the city. Have the people evacuated from all possible areas of combat.
Aoba: I'm on it.
Gendo: Send a high frequency radiowave beam toward the sky, Mr. Makoto. This beam must pierce the atmosphere and reach outer space.
Hyuuga: Sir?
Gendo: Just do it!
Hyuuga: Aye, sir!
Maya: ETA of first target, fifteen seconds. ETA for succeeding targets is five seconds after each drop.
Aoba: The civilians are evacuating as we speak. AT Field detected!
Hyuuga: Beam has been sent, sir!
Gendo: Now we wait.
Fuyutsuki: Wait? Launch EVAs now!
Maya: No pilots in the compound, sir!
Fuyutsuki: This is it, then.
BOS: Receiving high-priority SOS message, sir.
Jemu: Huh?
BOS: It is from below us, the city of Tokyo-3.
Jemu: Satellite view!
Gai: What's going on?
Jemu: We're about to find out.
The satellite display showed two huge white figures on the streets of the city, as seven more descended in a tight spiral around the two. They watched as the third form folded its wings, crashed into the ground, and picked itself up as though nothing happened.
Jemu: Shit. Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Tokyo-3 is under attack!
Shinji: What!
Asuka: Oh, no!
Rei: We have left the city unguarded.
Jemu: HANG ON EVERYONE! THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE BUMPY RIDE! BOS, chronoshift us, the whole stinking station, into the lower atmosphere.
BOS: Chronoshifting now.
A monitor showing nine winged, white shapes, like circling carrion birds, falling in a controlled spiral toward the ground. Toward the unsuspecting city of Tokyo-3. Suddenly, a long, massive form appears above the city and the invaders as well.
Maya: Sir! Unidentified flying object has suddenly come to existence over Tokyo-3!
Fuyutsuki: Was this part of your plan?
Gendo: ...
Jemu: Okay, here's the deal. None of those white things must destroy the Geofront. We need to get the Evangelion pilots to the Geofront so that they can take care of those things. We could shuttle them down, or someone could Boson jump them in. Still, we need to distract those beasts long enough for the kids to get to it. Any questions? Suggestions?
Akito: Yurika, Ines and I will Boson jump the needed people into the base.
Jemu: Good. I'll provide cover fire, but don't expect miracles.
Akatsuki: We're not expecting miracles from you. That job falls to us. With Uribatake-san here, we can change from Luna frames to air frames and hit them as quick as possible.
Jemu: Just so you know, these things are unpredictably fast, and their AT field is like distortion fields on steroids. Got that? Be careful when engaging.
Ryoko: We will.
Jemu: Then what are we waiting for? GO!
The pilots and Seiya head for the hangar. A white flash sends Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Ritsuko, Misato, Ai, Akito and Yurika on their way.
Kaji: I'm stuck here, I guess.
Jemu: BOS, give each person in the room a fire control console. (As 10 consoles pop up from the floor) Mr. Aida, Mr. Suzuhara, would you like to help your friends?
Touji: We would, but we don't know how.
Jemu: It's simple really. Kensuke here will get to choose his weapon consoles, while you are going down there to kick some Angel ass.
Touji: How? Shinji destroyed Unit 03 a long time ago. And my arm is broken.
Seiya: Hey! Where did this black robot come from? It looks like one of those flying things, only a different color!
Touji: Impossible!
Jemu: Here, nothing is impossible, just improbable. Better go and synch test with it, 'cause the fun is starting already! (Gestures to the monitor.)
The screen showed NERV's EVAs firing huge energy guns at the white invaders. The four Aestivalis were also there, sending missiles into a single Angel. Predictably, the creature survived the attack.
Touji: Damn!
Jemu: Go, boy! Good luck! (Touji heads out toward the hangar.) Alright, people, let's show them what we got! BOS, Yamato cannons fire!
Orange light streamed from the underside of the SpaceBar, annihilating the monstrosity the Aestis were firing at.
Jun: Anti-matter missiles firing!
Yukina: Neutron flares fire!
That took out another Angel. Two down, wait, three, as the Children focused their positron beams on a single target, disintegrating it. By this time, however, the other six were in melee range. Each monster paused, Longinus Lances materializing in their hands.
Gort: Aestivalis, fire at my target! Halo Rockets away!
Ryoko: You heard the man! Fire!
Erina: Firing Gemini Missiles, now!
Minato: Burst lasers, fully auto!
Megumi: Yamato Cannons ready!
Jemu: Fire at will!
Five still remained, fighting intelligently. Two angels would hurl their Lances, and while they where creating more, the other three would hurl theirs. This had the Children dodging around, causing the Lances to destroy armory buildings.
Shinji: We can't keep this up for long!
Asuka: Giving up already, Third Child?
Rei: Look out! Another flyer!
Shinji & Asuka: What?!
They look up, and sure enough there was another winged shape descending, wings out, blocking out the sun, and what seemed to be TWO Lances in its hands.
Shinji: Shimata!
Asuka: Why have they stopped shooting?
Rei: It is two against one, then.
Ruri: We are running low on ammunition. The explosives do not seem to work on AT fields.
Lapis: Energy weapons are cooling down. We cannot fire or we will suffer explosions.
Kensuke: Five versus three? They'll get slaughtered! I have to help them!
Jemu: Do as you wish, then. May you find what you seek, and get what you deserve.
A white flash signaled the return of the Boson jumpers.
Akito: They need us!
Yurika: There's a black demon coming for them, with two of those spears!
Jemu: Don't worry it's almost over.
Ines: It is for them, if we don't do something.
Jemu: Watch.
The black shape was still a ways from the ground. Its arms, each laden with a Lance of Longinus, suddenly stretched out, stabbing two white forms through the neck and down the spine. They fell, twitching for a while, before becoming still. The long black arms retracted, empty of their deadly load.
Shinji: Touji?!
Asuka: Isn't that the corrupted one?
Rei: Bardiel would not turn on one of his kind.
Akatsuki: Look! That new one just backstabbed its friends!
Izumi: Sheesh! Kabobbed! Hehehehehe...
Ryoko: The last one is turning to face the black one!
Hikaru: I hope the black guy wins.
Gendo: Now, Shinji! Rush them while it's turned around!
Fuyutsuki: You really are a sneaky bastard, aren't you?
Gendo: Where are all the knights and samurai now, old friend? In books.
The last three Angels raised their Lances and hurled them at Unit 03, at the same time summoning greatswords. The Lances caught an arm, a leg, and a wing, flinging the black EVA down and away. This gave Shinji the courage to yell and charge the monster with his prog knife, with Rei and Asuka pausing long enough to lean down and collect a spear and an axe before charging after him. The Angels blocked the attacks with their swords, and their wings swept out, reforming into living lancets and driving into each Evangelion's sides.
Shinji: Uuuwaaaagggghgh!
Asuka: Aaaaaaaaieeee!
Rei: Gahhhh!
Akito: (from the cockpit of the Black Sarena) Alright, let's do this!
Gai: (in an air frame) Vile monstrosity, prepare to be defeated!
Tsukurou: (broadcasting from Tetsujin) Justice demands our victory, and it cannot be denied!
Akito: Follow in after me! Gekigan... FLARE!
Six Aestivalis and one Gekigan-type rose and dove as one, heading toward their immense targets at intense speed. Before the Angels could react, the much smaller Aestivalis units slammed into their wings-turned-lancets and blew them away, releasing the captive EVAs. Tsukurou's Tetsujin rammed the nearest one, catching it by surprise, and used it as a bigger ram to bludgeon the other two.
Gendo: Good thing that the Angels kept a systematic line of fire.
Fuyutsuki: That last maneuver couldn't have been done, otherwise.
Maya: Sir, we are detecting life patterns from Unit 03! It's still alive!
Aoba: I am detecting a massive energy build-up from the floating weapons battery!
Hyuuga: There is something large and massive moving away from the floating platform!
Misato: A missile, perhaps?
Hyuuga: Way more massive than a missile.
Seiya: Hello?! There's another black robot in the hangar, and that kid with the glasses is requesting launch permission.
Jemu: Kensuke! Go ahead boy, the Double G Super is simple enough to use. Like that game you and Touji played, remember? We'll cover you. Mr. Ryoji, check the console nearest you, what is the Gap Energy reading?
Kaji: Umm, it's nearly full.
Jemu: Good. Kensuke, wait up, I'm going out as well.
Yurika: You're going to fight too? So who will be in charge here?
Jemu: Damn if I know. All I know is that your friends won't be able to do much against those things anymore. Why don't you take charge? (Heads out of the "command room.")
Yurika: But--
Minato: It's okay, you can do it.
Gort: Think of it as commanding a battleship that has damaged engines and can't move.
Megumi: Don't remind us. Nanafusi. Brrr.
Seiya: I love this place! The robots just keep popping up! That is one really big artillery frame, Jemu. What do you call it, a Terra frame?
Jemu: I haven't thought of it, but I guess I'll call it the Terra Walker.
Seiya: It's not a frame?
Jemu: No. Mr. Ryoji, can you hear me?
Kaji: Loud and clear.
Jemu: OK, listen up. As soon as Kensuke and I are out, Megumi and Yurika will fire the big guns. They run on a different cooling and power system, so it should be safe. After that, Kaji will have the Gap Generators fire. Ask help from the little girls if you need it, Kaji.
Kensuke: This is it then.
Jemu: Yeah. (Walks toward the opening hangar door.) Bahala na! (Sends his Terra Walker over the edge.)
Kensuke: Kamikaze! (Takes a running jump out of the hangar.)
Seiya: No you fools! Your parachutes are still here!
Jemu and Kensuke: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Lapis: They're out.
Kaji: Gap Generators, go!
Yurika: Fire, uhm, Big Guns!
Megumi: Firing!
The Angels were in a tight circle, throwing small wing-shards at their smaller enemies without much success. Darkness suddenly fell across the battlefield, plunging all in and above it in artificial night.
Gendo: What's happening?
Ritsuko: Some sort of light absorbing field has manifested from a point... between the 3 Angels.
Misato: Status report on the EVAs!
Maya: Still no signs of activity from Units 00 and 01.
Hyuuga: Unit 03 has gained to its feet and is now mobile.
Ritsuko: Impossible! It just took three Lance hits!
Hyuuga: It is now, umm, limping its way toward the darkened region.
Touji: Ah, can anyone hear me? NERV? Can you hear me?
Fuyutsuki: Suzuhara! (Glances at his side to see how Gendo is reacting to this.)
Gendo: What of Unit 02?
Aoba: Sir! Unit 02 is active sir! But its umbilical cord has been severed by the last attack on it!
Misato: Again, the EVAs move on their own.
Maya: Energy pulse detected!
An orange pillar of fire flashed down into the darkness, illuminating two of the three Angels as it vaporized the third. It also dispelled the darkness, and the smaller forms of the flying defenders came into view once more. But that was not all.
Jemu and Kensuke: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!
{CRASH}
Touji: What in the hell? Hey Asuka, are you okay in there? Asuka? Asuka! Answer me, girl! Damn! What the hell is going on? And who are these two fools who dropped from the sky? (Stretches his EVAs arms, wincing as he does so, and pulls the two unknowns off of the Angels.)
The remaining Angels recovered from their rude surprise, although the one which the Terra Walker landed on took a little longer. Unit 02 noticed this as well.
Unit 02: GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Charges the Angels with its axe held high.)
But the Angels were smart. They quickly spread their wings and took to the air, shrugging off the half-hearted attacks made by the Nadesico units.
Kensuke: Now what?
Touji: Kensuke, is that you?
Jemu: Quick, boy, fire the Smashing Beam!
Kensuke: What the hell kind of name is that?
Touji: You have no sense of originality, dude. Black is MY color.
Jemu: PU-SANG-AMA! PHOTON CANNON UPPER!
The Terra Walker raised its right arm, which ended in something which could have been a pneumatic lance or a beam weapon barrel, and shot a ball of light the same size as an EVA's torso. It hit one of the Angels smack in the chest, carrying it upwards and dropping it smack down in front of a waiting Unit 02. Said EVA wasted no time in getting medieval on its unholy ass.
Yurika: Ugh. What is the red robot doing?
Ruri: Is this what they mean when adults say "tear you apart?"
Gort: ... (Turns from his usual dark tan into a sickly, pale flesh.)
Fuyutsuki: My God...
Ritsuko: It's a repeat of that episode.
Misato: I think I'm going to be sick. Again.
Gendo: The will to power. The drive to self-actualization. A function of the soul, and not the subconscious?
One more Angel remained. As if sensing no chance of victory against two fresh opponents, it flew higher, closer to a more defenseless one.
Jemu: Shit! I can't fly!
Kensuke: It's headed for the SpaceBar!
Lapis: Enemy unit approaching!
Megumi: The main guns are not ready yet!
Erina: And we're out of ammo!
The beast produced two swords, and started slashing away at the reinforced titanium. The AT Field assisted blades cut into the hull like flame through paper.
Yukina: Stand. Run run run run. Hug! I love you, Jun!
Jun: Yukina! I love you as well! If we die, at least--
Kaji: We're not going to die! Suzuhara! Fly your black modified ass up here, NOW!
Touji: Why am I so stupid! (Unfolds a pair of rather short, but aerodynamic wings.) Owww! My leg is killing me! and so is my arm!
Kensuke: Look out! Unit 02 is headed this way, and-- why is it's chest glowing?
With a leap, Unit 02 closes the gap between the itself and the black EVA. It reached out for Touji...
Akito: It looks like those EVA units are fighting amongst themselves!
Akatsuki: What now? Can we distortion ram the monster?
Gai: Great idea! (Peels away.)
Tsukurou: The innocents must be protected!
Akito: Wait! Gai! Tsukurou!
Ryoko & Hikaru: IIIKEEEEEEE! [GOOOOOO!]
Izumi: Only fools rush in where angels fear to tread but what if it flies? (Follows her partners.)
Akatsuki: Well, fry-boy? Are you going to leave your wife alone again?
Akito: Shut up!!! YUUUUURRIIIIIIIIKKAAAAAAAAA!(Blasts off, followed closely by Akatsuki.)
Izumi: Good thing he wasn't named Kitsuya by his parents.
Akatsuki: Yes. That show really bugged the hell out of me. Flying trucks? Giant turbofans? Give me a break.
The Angel was expecting this, however. It buried its swords into the hull of the SpaceBar, then turned to face the attack. Because the distortion tackles were not simultaneous, the Angels AT Field had a field day [sorry for the pun] and bounced the attackers off like tennis balls against a brick wall.
Touji: Asuka! It's me Touji! Shinji's friend! Remember?
Jemu: It has an active S2 core now. Unlimited strength, thanks to the dust and air around us.
Kensuke: This is terrible.
Unit 02: GRRRRAAAAARRRRL!
What the Angel wasn't expecting was an EVA hurtling toward it at Mach 0.5 speed. It met the black EVA with its AT Field, suspending it in mid-air.
Ritsuko: Touji! Use your AT Field to nullify the enemy's!
Jemu: Then lock your arms around it!
Touji: I'll try!
There was a flash, then a sound not unlike thunder. The next thing the spectators saw was two large forms hurtling down from the sky.
Jemu: Kensuke, run under them and fire the Smashing Beam! Position yourself directly underneath them, and fire when I give the signal. Do you understand? We only have one shot at this, or else we risk having Unit 02 engage it in a 50-50 battle.
Kensuke: Okay, I'm moving. (Gets into position.) But what's the signal?
Jemu: (Ignoring him.) Touji, listen to me. When I scream, obey my command, the command that I shouted out. Clear? Otherwise... you don't want to ignore my scream, trust me.
Touji: O-okay.
Jemu: TOUJI! GET OUT OF THE WAY!
Touji: Eject entry plug!!
Kensuke: SMASHING BEAM!!!
A green beam erupted from the black robot's head, shooting upwards into the falling tangle of steel and flesh. A cylindrical capsule released its parachutes seconds later, as the beam engulfed the mechanical giants in green flame. And then there was just one left, green flames adorning it, trailing after it as it fell to the ground, creating a crater [don't you just love alliterations?].
Maya: (almost as an afterthought) Positron burst detected.
Gendo: Indeed.
Ruri: He did it.
Lapis: Kensuke-san saved us all.
Yurika: Akito! Where's Akito?
Akatsuki: Don't worry, he's still here.
Ryoko: Don't worry, if he jumps away, just jump after him.
Hikaru: What's wrong, Izumi?
Izumi: There were a couple of good puns back there, and that snotty narrator got them both.
Tsukurou: Justice has triumphed once more! V!
Gai: Hahahaha! Let us celebrate! Let's sing!
Others: (except Tsukurou) Let's NOT!
THE END?
SpaceBar VI: An action episode
By James Evangelista
DISCLAIMER: All the characters in this work, save for my self-inserts (Jemu, BOS, and Evang) are copyright of their respective owners. I don't own them so don't sue, OK? By the way, the Terra Walker and the Double G Super are my creations as well. Hopefully, no one has stolen their design or names yet.
SCENE 1. The Wreck Room lounging area, where there are couches aplenty and the lighting is a relief from the flashing screens of the arcade machines. Currently inhabited by a motley collection of Evangelion characters, Nadesico characters, and a self-insert. Said characters are resting, some with their eyes closed, all enjoying the quiet and the buzz after playing a really intense game. The silence is broken, however, by a telephone ringing.
Jemu: I'll get it. (Fumbles under his seat and pulls out the phone.) Wreck Room. Jemu speaking.
Evang: Hola! This is episode 6, right?
Jemu: Yeah, this is episode 6.
Evang: Have the others figured out that you're a writer?
Jemu: Some of them have. The little girls, for example.
Evang: Keep a cell phone handy. I'll be calling you once in a while to tie up lose ends.
Jemu: What, like you a "New primary objective" warning?
Evang: Yup. Your first one, by the way is to check on those sex fiends at the bar.
Jemu: But I'm scared.
Evang: So take the others along.
Jemu: Okay.
Evang: And another thing: Kaji, Gai, and Tsukurou must not leave the premises. Unless they want to die, of course.
Jemu: Hey, what do you mean by that?
[CLICK!]
Jemu: Hello? Damn.
Jemu puts the phone down and meets the gaze of his guests.
Touji: So who was that?
Jemu: My guardian angel telling me to check on the others in the bar. Gekiganger team minus one, come with me. Ruri, don't go to the bar, okay? The sight over there is not fit for young eyes.
Ruri: Oh, please. We've probably seen worse on the Internet.
Jemu: Still. My conscience would beat me up if I didn't tell you that. (To Gai and Tsukurou.) Let's go.
Lapis: So what are we going to do? Stare holes into the ceiling?
Kensuke: Nah, that's Shinji's shtick. She's right, though. What are we going to do?
Ruri: We'll think of something.
SCENE 2. The reception area and canteen part of the Wreck Room. The tables and benches are empty, clean. The bar, however, is not. It is cluttered by two couples, currently sleeping and naked. The sight greets the three when they enter.
Gai: Look at them! Drained from their efforts of expressing their love toward each other.
Tsukurou: I'd rather not. (Turning as red as a ripe tomato.)
Jemu: Uh, what are we supposed to do here? Wake them up, tell them to get some clothes on?
Gai: That might be a little awkward, don't you think?
Tsukurou leans over to Jemu and whispers a suggestion. Jemu's face lightens up.
Jemu: Great idea, dude. Are you sure they won't kill me when they wake up and recognize my voice?
Tsukurou: That's your task: to make sure they don't realize that it's you behind the racket.
Gai: What are you two talking about?
Jemu: Follow me. This ought to wake them up without any of us getting ranted on.
They follow Jemu to the security room.
Jemu: Where, re you, my little-- aha! Here it is. (Flicks on the public announcement system.) Gai, hand me that phone over there. Thank you. (Dials up the lounge area number.) Come on, answer it.
The shrill ringing of the telephone breaks the silken silence once more.
Lapis: Three sevens. (Lays three of her cards on the table, facedown. Then she reaches for the phone.) Hello?
Jemu: Lapis, tell the others not to panic or react to whatever it is that booms out from the PA system. Whatever you're doing, continue and ignore the PA. Got that?
Lapis: Why should we? PA systems should be listened to, right?
Jemu: Well, in this case, it's a little practical joke we're going to play on those four who are still sleeping shamelessly naked in the bar. Just ignore the PA, okay?
Lapis: Yeah, sure.
Jemu: Thanks.
[CLICK.]
Lapis: That was Jemu. He says he's going to pull a gag using the PA and warned us not to panic.
Touji: Hmmm. I wonder what he's got planned.
Ruri: Whatever it is, it better wake those four up. Another seven. (Places a card facedown above Lapis' cards.)
Kensuke: And another seven.
Touji: The hell? You're bloody lying! (Flips Kensuke's card face-up. Sure enough it's a seven.)
Kensuke: Hah! Eat cards, sucker. (Pushing the pile of cards toward Touji.)
Touji: What the-- you lying, little cats... (Glares at Lapis and Ruri, who smile at him.)
The PA system comes to life, with a klaxon blaring and a digitized voice informing the occupants that the structure is under attack, that the structural integrity is dropping, the shields cannot take any more, the hot water has run out and there will be no coffee or instant noodles, etc., etc. The four children burst out laughing, hugging their sides and rolling on the floor.
PA system: Red alert! The enemy has deployed mechanized armor and is currently attacking the outer defenses! All pilots scramble!
Akito: Yurika, wake up! We're under attack!
Yurika: Huh! What-- who-- where--
Akito: Quick get dressed--
PA: I repeat, all pilots, scramble! This is not a drill. All military personnel proceed to battle stations.
Akito: -- and wake those two up as well! We need to get out of here!
Yurika: Roger that!
The two dress up very quickly. But the PA system keeps on blaring.
PA: Impact in 10, 9, 8...
Yurika: Hey, you two, wake up!
Akito: Get up! We're under attack!
Misato: Angel Attack? Where-- Oww, my head-- Where are my clothes?
Yurika: Somewhere around here.
PA: AT Field detected. AT field detected. Code: blue. Repeat: Blue AT Field detected.
Misato: Oh, no! Where are the Children?
Kaji: Somebody shut that damn thing, my head is ringing!
Misato: We're under attack, you moron! Get up and make yourself useful!
Kaji: We're being attacked?
PA: Actually, you're being woken up with a gag. Good morning to you. I would like to thank you people for providing us with a lot of material which we could sell on the 'Net and put in the "funniest video" sites out there.
Akito: Oh my god, you had us taped?
Misato: If that footage ever reaches NERV HQ, I'm ruined.
Kaji: It's a good thing the world thinks me dead.
Yurika: Even if you were caught on tape engaged in the act of procreation?
PA: Relax. I was kidding about the 'Net part. I just wanted to show you guys the possible repercussions of having sex in a public place! In my establishment, no less!
Akito: Jemu! Where the hell are you! I'm going to kill you for this! I nearly died of a heart attack back there!
Kaji: Well, as morning afters, go, this is pretty unique.
Yurika: I have a mind to ask for a naval bombardment of this joint.
Misato: Where is this fleet of yours? China Sea? Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean?
Yurika: Much farther; try between Mars and Jupiter.
Jemu: Seeing as you're all dressed and awake, I now take leave of you. Again, I bid you good morning.
In the security room...
Tsukurou: Was that really necessary?
Jemu: It wasn't but it sure was fun.
Gai: You are an evil man, Jemu.
Jemu: Yeah. But I'm no evildoer.
Tsukurou: There's a difference.
Jemu: Sure is. You see--
Jemu is interrupted by his cell phone. He pulls it out and starts talking.
Jemu: What now?
Evang: Primary objective complete. As a reward, I'll give you more information regarding your situation.
Jemu: I'm listening.
Evang: You might want to make this call available to those two guys with you. It pertains to them as well.
Jemu: (connecting a wire to the phone he's holding)Alright. Gai and Tsukurou-san can hear you now.
Evang: Good. You might be wondering why I told you to prevent Gai and Tsukurou from leaving the premises. According to a recent, uh, information feed, leaving the premises might have a bad effect on them.
Gai: What kind of effect?
Evang: The energies reanimating you might lose potency as you move farther away from the Wreck Room. One moment you're jogging through the streets, the next you'll be dead again.
Tsukurou: That's preposterous! We didn't die, we got fired?
Evang: And I suppose Ryoji Kaji also got canned from the Evangelion cast?
Jemu: Well, I never found out. But what the hell. I'll just write up a "Dead Characters' Apartment" or something and have them go there whenever they're not in one of my fics.
Evang: I assume this structure will also reflect up here?
Jemu: Yes.
Evang: Very well. Objective change: Keep those three inside until the DCA has finished construction.
Gai: Is this apartment free?
Evang: Yeah, with access to a lot of goodies as well.
Tsukurou: This will, of course , provide another jump-off point for more of your deranged writings?
Evang: Correct. Ten points for the Jovian.
Jemu: So I've practically accomplished my second mission. Now what?
Evang: According to your "To-Do" list, write on the 3 Children, 2 blonde scientists, and 1 secret government agency.
Jemu: Right. I'll be in touch.
Evang: OK. Hasta la vista.
Jemu terminates the call.
Jemu: OK. Time for a scene shift.
SCENE 3. NERV command bridge. The Commander is not present and neither is his adviser. The only people on board are the two male bridge bunnies.
Hyuuga: I swear, this computer hacker is driving me nuts! I feel like I've been tracking in circles for 18 hours straight, and I'm no closer to finding him!
Aoba: Could be a her, you know. Hacking is not monopolized by males.
Hyuuga: Whatever. (Rubbing his eyes) My eyes feel like sandpaper. If I ever find this hacker I'm gonna--
Aoba: Holy crap! Look at this!
Hyuuga: What? What have you got? (Makes his way toward Aoba's station.) That appears to be a "secret" data feed channel of sorts.
Aoba: Yeah, not uncommon, especially with MAGI and NERV, right? Let's see where this part goes. (Taps in a few commands.)
Hyuuga: (Leaning down for a closer look.) The Commander's office? Not surprising.
Aoba: Okay, how 'bout the other end. (Works his keyboard again.) Hmmm. Camera control protocol. Interesting. Recognize this address?
Hyuuga: It seems to be in one of the apartment blocks. Hey, that's the block where most NERV employees are housed in!
Aoba: Why is the Commander taping one of his people?
Hyuuga: Who knows. Could be paranoia. But the bigger question is: who? Let's see if we can access the camera.
Aoba: Okay. (Types in more commands.) Ah, here we go, receiving feed, now.
A window appears on the screen, showing an apartment bedroom in color. There is a sleeping, short-haired, nude blonde figure on the bed. The bedside table is full of feline statuary.
Aoba: Nasty, dude. It's Dr. Akagi's apartment!
Hyuuga: In her bedroom, no less. (Moves the trackball.)
The camera changes angle, just in time to catch the bathroom door open. Just in time to present the two voyeurs with a view of another blonde, this one with long hair, freshly showered from the looks of things.
Aoba: Dude, it's that new scientist they brought in. You know, the one with the French-sounding name.
Hyuuga: Damn, you're right. But what could she be doing there in Dr. Akagi's apartment?
Aoba: I don't know. (Uses the trackball to zoom out.)
The window now shows the other doctor, the one in the ridiculously short towel, making her way toward the sleeping Dr. Akagi. She reaches the bed, sits down, and leans over to whisper something to Ritsuko.
Aoba: (Taps some keys.) Increasing audio pick up, now.
Ines: Your turn in the shower, darling.
Hyuuga: Whoa! Did you hear that? 'Darling?'
Aoba: Shhhh. Pipe down.
Ritsuko: (mumbling, eyes still closed) Ai, how many hours of sleep have you gotten?
Aoba: Ai? I thought her name was Ines?
Hyuuga: Could be a nickname. Or (smiling like a lech) a pet name.
Ai: Five, four hours. I don't remember, and I don't care either.
Hyuuga: Four hours? (Checks his watch.) Dude, it's just 8:30!
Aoba: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Ritsuko's squeal makes both men look back at the monitor. They find the reason for Ritsuko's scream: Ai has pulled her hair forward and buried her face between Ritsuko's ample *CENSORED*. Two male jaws drop to the floor. Aoba recovers first.
Aoba: SWWEEEEETT!
Hyuuga: YEEEAAHH!
Maya: Are you two perverts watching porn on the Internet again?
A & S: YAAAARRGGHH! MAYA!!
Maya: Well, are you? I'll have to report this, you know.
Aoba: We didn't hear you come in.
Maya: That was obvious. (Walks toward the two.)
Hyuuga: Aoba! Hide the damn thing!
Maya: Oh, no, you don't! (Increases her speed.)
Aoba: The damn thing isn't responding! Make sure she doesn't see this!
Maya: See what? Hey! Put me down, you oaf!
Hyuuga: Aoba! Pull the power! I can't OOOF!
Maya: You can't sing the bass anymore, doof. I told you to put me down.
Hyuuga: (curled into a ball of pain on the floor) The children, the poor children.
Maya: (ignoring him) And as for you, Shigeru... (looses a well-aimed kick at her co-worker, who was on all fours, looking for the power cable, causing him to whimper and crumple)
Speakers: Oh, yes, Ritsuko, more, ah, ah, ahh...
Maya: What the hell?
Hyuuga: (in a tenor) NO! Don't look at it!
Too late. Maya freezes, the sight of her mentor raining kisses on another woman's *CENSORED* rendering her oblivious to everything else.
Maya: (Whimpering.) Sempai...
Hyuuga: (still in a helium-laced voice) Oh, no, she saw it, man.
Aoba: (in the same pitch of voice) Her world must be breaking up now.
Maya does not hear them, her mind absorbing the atrocious scene of the other blonde burying her face between Ritsuko's legs and Ritsuko moaning and tossing her head from pleasure. Her hands attach themselves to the other woman's head, pushing her further down.
Maya: IIEEEEEEEE!!!!
With that blood-curdling scream, she sets about punishing those that had brought her this level of pain. Translation: she then starts beating the hell out of Hyuuga and Aoba for showing her this little "secret." In darkened room somewhere in the Geofront...
Gendo: That ought to teach them to ignore warnings. (Smiles in his usual, Gendo way: Behind his steepled hands.)
Fuyutsuki: If you don't mind my saying so, they're NERV hackers. Delving into secrets is what they do.
Gendo: Indeed? Can they delve into the whereabouts of the Children?
Fuyutsuki: Perhaps. Assuming Ms. Ibuki snaps out of her berserk stance before killing her co-workers. It would probably take the presence of Dr. Akagi to calm her down, but seeing as she is busy with Dr. Fresange...
Gendo: I want my bridge crew alive. All of them.
Fuyutsuki: Of course. (Steps out of the office.) Damn, I hate my job sometimes. Primary adviser to Commander Ikari of NERV? Glorified gofer for some micro-dictator describes it better.
SCENE 4. The SpaceBar, where some unexpected guests are about to arrive.
BOS: Incoming units.
Evang: (Raising a command chair from the floor.) On screen, BOS. (Drops into his seat.)
Four Aestivalis units, Luna Frames all, are flying in a defensive formation around a shuttle.
BOS: We are being hailed by the pilot of the blue Aestivalis, sir.
Evang: Patch it through. (A window pops up, revealing Akatsuki Nagare's face.) Hello, Mr. Chairman. To what do I owe this visit?
Akatsuki: You know who I am? I'm impressed.
Evang: Being the president of such a huge corporation as NERGAL does have its, perks and quirks, shall we say? One of them is being easily noticed by bored people with too much time in their hands.
Akatsuki: (Chuckling.) Well, being tagged as a former womanizing champion will do that to you as well. Not as much advantage in it, though.
Evang: (Smiling slightly.) True.
Akatsuki: I am requesting permission for my crew and myself to come aboard your station. We've flown all the way from Mars, and we're -- (Breaks off his sentence.)
Evang: Running low on supplies and fuel, eh? Don't worry. Permission granted, although I must warn you, we're a little understaffed right now. (Chuckles at his own understatement.)
Akatsuki: That, or your station is so automated that you can probably control it all by yourself. Alright, were close enough for a tractor beam.
Evang: The station doesn't have tractor beams, I'm afraid. But I will open the hangar closest to your direction. You'll have to land in manually.
Akatsuki: (mumbling) Huh, pretty low-tech, aren't we?
Evang: I heard THAT! BOS! Launch Swarm Fighters now!
A hangar door opens on the surface of the SpaceBar, releasing small, unmanned interceptors in a cloud toward the approaching shuttle and its escorts.
Hikaru: Maybe you should have lowered your voice back there, Akatsuki-san.
Akatsuki: Maybe.
Ryoko: Alright! I get to fight, and I finally get some lines!
Izumi: Not to mention some "air time", after being stuck in the closet for so long. (Chuckles at her own pun.)
Not surprisingly, no one else joins her. Hikaru sweatdrops, Ryoko sweatdrops, Akatsuki sweatdrops, heck, even their Aestis and the shuttle [not the shuttle crew, mind you] sweatdrops.
Hikaru: Enemy units in weapon range!
Ryoko: Okay! None of those interceptors gets near the shuttle, understood?
Other 3 pilots: Hai!
{Insert standard Kidou Senkan Nadesico Aestivalis space fight scene here, and replace the Battas with small fighter-type aircraft the same size as an Aestivalis outside a Luna frame.}
Ryoko: That was too easy.
Akatsuki: I've had simulations harder than that fight.
Hikaru: Even Gekiganger could finish them with both hands tied behind his back.
Izumi: I agree. He would have won even if he was "disarmed" in such a way. Heheheheheh...
Ryoko: You could say that all of those fighters were really "armless".
Everybody groans whole-heartedly at Ryoko's dig, but deep inside they're all happy to avoid a totally unnecessary pun war. Aboard the shuttle...
Megumi: That has got to be the weirdest pile of in-combat transmissions that I have ever heard.
Gort: Look at it this way. At least they weren't shouting out "Wired Punch!" or "Field Lancer!" every six seconds or so.
Minato: And nobody has broken out singing again.
Hikaru: Gan gan ga gan, Victory!
Megumi: Looks like you spoke to soon.
Minato: (Sigh.) So, what now?
Akatsuki: Usually, I'd lay siege to such a station with pathetic defenses--
Evang: If anybody is interested, I have both of my Yamato Energy Guns aimed at the shuttle. Move another meter and you can kiss your military man, your secretary, and your nurse-turned seiyuu-turned comm officer goodbye.
Ryoko: You wouldn't dare!
Hikaru: That's not fair!
Izumi: They rhyme! In the midst of crisis time, they rhyme! Heeheeheeheehee!
Evang: Do you know, I've decided to rethink my decision to offer succor after being insulted. But after you destroyed my little Swarm Fighters, I'm really reconsidering if I would want such rude guests on board.
Ryoko: Shimata! Akatsuki, this is all your doing!
Akatsuki: Who, me? How was I supposed to know that the station commander would be so childish?
Hikaru: You just insulted him again!
Izumi: (Brings out her ukulele and starts strumming.)
Minato: Megumi, do something.
Megumi: Why me? I'm just the comm officer.
Gort: I'm no diplomat, either. But you do have better interpersonal skills than either me or Minato.
Megumi: How can that be? Minato was a secretary, for crying out loud.
Minato: It doesn't take much interpersonal skills on my part, I'm afraid. I could say anything to men to snap them out of staring at my chest, and they all reply as if I said "Excuse, can I help you?"
Megumi: See? Such power! It might work here!
Gort: Or it may not.
Megumi: Anyway, we have nothing to lose even if we fail.
Gort: Except our lives.
Megumi: If you have nothing bright to say, Dr. Gloom,...
Minato: Alright, I'll do it. (Starts to rearrange her clothing.) But on one condition.
Megumi: Anything!
Minato: We do it together. (Smiles sweetly at Megumi.)
Megumi: Eh? Minato, I never thought you'd be interested in women, certainly not in me.
A hush descends in the shuttle.
Megumi: Oh. You mean your secretary act. Sorry about that. But I don't know what to do!
Minato: Don't worry, just follow my lead.
Meanwhile, a communication holo-screen appears in the SpaceBar.
Jemu: Talk to me, dude. BOS just alerted me to Swarm Fighter launch and Yamato Reactor activation. What's going on?
Evang: Well, it goes a little something like this. (Narrates the events to Jemu.)
Jemu: I see it gets really exciting up there when I'm not around. Me, I'm just serving breakfast and cooling down tempers here, is all.
Evang: Who is there, anyway?
Ruri: Just me, Lapis, and some nice boys from Tokyo-3.
Yurika: Me and Akito, as well. By the way, your partner is an asshole.
Akito: Yeah, worse than that stupid Admiral who self-destructed.
Misato: Almost like my boss, only my boss is a bigger one.
Kaji: So big, you could slip his son in and out of it and he wouldn't notice.
At this point Shinji Ikari awakens. He frowns at the unfamiliar surroundings, then his gaze falls on his naked self and the equally naked, young, nubile female bodies beside him and it all comes back to him in a rush.
Shinji: No! What have I done! (Gets dressed and leaves the suite.)
Asuka: (Groggily.) Shinji? Owww.
Rei: He's upstairs, I think. I am... sore, as well.
BOS: We are being hailed by the shuttle, Master.
Evang: On screen. Oh, it's you, Miss Haruka. I know you're not too pleased at the situation...
Predictably, his eyeballs fix themselves on Minato's bountiful, um, charms.
Minato: Please, could you please not aim that BIG, POWERFUL WEAPON at little old me? (Bats her lashes.)
Evang: Uh... (Has trouble processing this and decides to run it backward.) Well, I don't think you're old. Or little.
Gort: (whispering to Megumi) According to what little data I could gather from him, this Evang character seems to have a certain, ah, fondness for (looks at his data screen) school girls? This guy is a pervert!
Megumi: (whispering as well) Perfect! Thanks, Gort-san! (She stands up and heads over to the back of the shuttle, away from curious eyes. She returns dressed in a 21st century, low-cut schoolgirl outfit and goes over to where Minato is, after modulating her voice to "high school jailbait in skirt" mode.) Please, sempai, you wouldn't want to see me dead as well, would you? (Sheds a few tears to add to the effect.)
Gort: (Raises a placard with "Acting: 9.5 - Costume: 10.00" written on it.)
Evang: (Really having severe brain slowdown, thanks to Megumi's 'attack'.) No, Meg-chan, I... (Stares at the expanse of Megumi's flesh revealed by the opened buttons of her blouse.) I, uh...
Unbeknownst to him, he is being watched even as his brain turns into primordial soup.
Akatsuki: It seems to be working. (Grins salaciously.)
Ryoko: Quiet, fool! You might break the spell!
Hikaru: And I thought the fastest way to a man's heart was through his stomach.
Izumi: They are feeding him... with EYE CANDY! Heeheeheeheehee!
Tsukurou: Minato... (Stares open-mouthedly, starting to drool as well.) Minato...
Yurika: What do YOU think you're looking at! (Slapping Akito back to reality.)
Akito: OWW! What was that for?
Lapis: Onee-chan, why does Papa have a red mark that looks like a hand on his cheek?
Ruri: That's because he's being baka again. (Looks over to Touji and Kensuke.) Like those two.
Lapis: Does staring make you into a baka?
Ruri: (Sighs.) I'll explain later if you really want to know. Better yet, I'll let Omoikane explain it.
Touji: Melons. Mmmmmmm.
Kensuke: Watermelons. Tasty.
Gai: (Covering the boys' eyes.) That's enough for both of you.
Kensuke: Believe me, mister, it's more than enough for me.
Touji: The memory of that sight will keep me warm through the winters.
Tsukurou: Jemu! What kind of man is your partner! A lowlife scum who can only be negotiated with by playing on his basest interests! I will destroy him! (Storms toward the door.)
Jemu: Damn! Somebody stop him!
Yurika: Why? He deserves to get trounced by Tsukurou's Gekigan-type for being scum!
Jemu: I wasn't referring to him! If Tsukurou steps out of the weird atmosphere of this place, we might lose him, this time for good!
Gai: What? (Releasing his hold over the boys' eyes.) GEKIGAN... TACKLE! (Crashes into Tsukurou and pulls him to the floor.)
Tsukurou: Gai! I thought you were my friend! Why are you doing this? Let go this instant!
Gai: Sorry, friend, but it's for your own good. You'll die if you leave.
Tsukurou: I don't care if I die! As long as I'm taking that evildoer with me!
Kaji: (Walking over to the two.) From what I heard you won't even get to fight this Jemu person. You won't be able to get even close enough to yell at him.
Back in space...
Minato: So, please forgive our stupid idiot of an escort. Do it for me. I know you want to. I'd be very grateful if you do. (Gives Evang a wink.)
Megumi: Sempai, if you do this little thing for me, you can ask me any favor you want.
Evang: Uh, let me think, um, wait, ANY FAVOR?
Megumi: (To herself.) Oh, no, what have I done? (Aloud.) Yes! I'll do whatever you say, if you let us on board.
Evang: If I let you in, I can get my reward from you then. Okay. BOS! Open bay doors!
BOS: They are now being opened!
Evang: Nyehehehehehe, finally, a chance to get one over that no-good partner of mine. And I get one favor from the beautiful Ms. Reinard as well. This must be my lucky day-night cycle!
BOS: Should I power down the Yamato Cannons, then?
Evang: Do that. I wouldn't want to destroy Ms. Reinard and her friends by accident.
BOS: Power to cannons has been re-routed to Improbability Turbine. Reporting 5 units in hangar 6.
Evang: Let them in, then. I'll just go freshen up for someone aboard that shuttle.
All of this, of course is being observed by the Wreck Room party. Meanwhile, somewhere in hammerspace...
Shinji: One dozen steps left. I think I can push the trapdoor up if I can get to it.
The stairs shake, and Shinji falls on his ass. Looking up, he sees...
Shinji: What the? The trapdoor was there a while ago! Now all that's there is an endless stairwell! Son of a female dog!
Asuka: (from a few meters down the stairs) Shinji! There you are! You naughty, naughty little boy! We still have half a bottle of those red pills Mr. Evang gave us.
At this, Shinji's blood turns cold. Looking back he sees the two sex fiends he spent the last few hours with, the albino one holding said bottle of pills. The two begin to make their way up to him. Shinji goes "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" and starts running up the stairs.
Shinji: (muttering) Mustn't let them catch me mustn't let them catch me mustn't let them catch me mustn't let them catch me...
Asuka: Rei! Faster! He's pulling away!
Rei: He will NOT get away. We WILL get him.
Anyway, back on Tokyo-3...
Jemu: Hmmm. It appears BOS has not yet closed communications. BOS? Come in, this is Jemu.
BOS: I read you loud and clear, sir.
Jemu: Alright, here's what we'll do. For Tsukurou-san's sake, and for a little more fun in the universe, we are going to go to the main lounge of the SpaceBar.
Akito: I won't ask. Another hammerspace thing, then?
Jemu: My, you're good. Do you want to be engineer on my station?
Yurika: He'll pass, thank you.
Jemu: You're right. He wouldn't make a good engineer after all. How about you little one? Would you like to get your hands on a spaceport of your own?
Lapis: Really? I'll control all of it?
Yurika: NO! No, no, no, NO!
Lapis: But he's asking me--
Yurika: Do you think I'll leave you alone on that tub with that pervert up there as well?
Kensuke: You mean the other guy we were talking to is really in outer space?
Ruri: Yes. I've been to it, docked outside, but I never actually stepped in.
Touji: Why?
Ruri: I still respect and value my sanity, you see.
Jemu: I'm afraid we'll all go. You see (presses a button) I've commenced the sequence which will rematerialize the Wreck Room in the SpaceBar. And then I'll close the Wreck Room, so we will have no choice but to go to the lounge.
Yurika: With Evang in there.
Jemu: Unfortunately.
Tsukurou: Aha! A chance to avenge the insult done to my beloved's person, and to Ms. Reinard's as well! Justice shall cry out this day!
Misato: He seems to be doing a lot of that already.
Kaji: Is he always like this?
Gai: No, only when Minato is in the vicinity.
Kaji: Say, Misato, don't you have work to do?
Misato: Are you still blasted? Today's Sunday. Nobody works on Sunday. Nobody! Except maybe Cmdr. Ikari, Fuyutsuki-san, Maya, Aoba, and Hyuuga.
Kaji: That's the entire NERV command bridge!
Misato: Not really. I'm not there.
Jemu: We've arrived, safe and sound.
Tsukurou: Ha-ha! Time for--
Jemu: Yeah, yeah, we know. Time for righteous ass-kicking because you saw my business associate was admiring your fiancee's rack. (To the others.) Everybody out! We don't want to miss the fireworks! (Proceeds to shepherd the people out of the Wreck Room.)
Gort: Everybody here? (Looks around him, at the people arrayed at his left and right. Cooking squad, check; crazy pilots, check; sister of dead Jovian, clustered with cooks; henpecked military officer, check; Super Secretary, not more than one meter from her boss; temporary seductresses, back in character.) Looks like we're ready to go.
Megumi: Um, can I stay behind in the shuttle?
Minato: Now, now, Megumi, reneging on a promise is not good.
Akatsuki: True. He might decide to flood the entire station with poison gas or something, and where would we be?
Megumi: But, I--
Erina: Oh, so we're afraid of being asked for THOSE kind of favors, are we? To get to where you want to go, to have what you most want, a woman must do everything necessary.
Megumi: I'm not like YOU, you know. Or do you want to trade places?
Erina: I'm not afraid of any man, unlike some people present right now.
Ryoko: If you don't want that nut to pounce on you upon sight, I suggest you trade clothes with Yukina now.
Hikaru: Although she does look cute in NERGAL uniform.
Akatsuki: Thank you, I had a hand in designing those uniforms.
Izumi: Clothes do not make the man. Or young women.
Yukina: (mischievous grin) It's okay, I kind of like it. You can keep that Megumi-san, I have tons of that outfit.
Gort: Let's move.
Jun: Wait we can't go yet! I haven't had anything to say!
Gort: Congratulations. Now move.
The doors to the lounge slide open as both parties enter. Predictably, chaos ensues. What follows is not a blow-by-blow account of the events. Really, it isn't.
Yurika: Hey, look! Everybody's here!
Izumi: Mistress of understatement.
Hikaru: Just like the old days! (Spying Tsukurou and Gai.) Look! It's Ken from Gekiganger! Two of them!
Minato: Huh?
Hikaru: There! (Points to a grinning Gai and a somewhat cooled-down Tsukurou.)
Gort: Both of them, alive?
Yukina: Onii-chan! Grab.(Grabs Minato by the arm) RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN (and rushes over, dragging the older woman behind her.)
Tsukurou: Yukina! Minato! (Runs forward to embrace both of them.)
Jun: Hey, isn't that Mr. Yamada beside--
Gai: The name Yamada Jiro is just a mask - the name of my soul is DAIGOUJI GAI!
Megumi: I don't believe it. Yama-- I mean, Daigouji Gai, alive, in person! And Tsukurou-san as well!
Erina: What do you make of this?
Akatsuki: I think I need a drink.
Ryoko: (walks over to Tsukurou and punches him lightly in the arm, causing him to yelp) Yup, alive and kicking.
Izumi: With a sore arm.
Misato: I think we're a little out of place here. (Kaji nods, still staring at the sheer number of happy people in this room, unbelieving.)
Akito: Nah. Just wait when the party starts. You'll blend right in.
Kensuke: And you worked with these folks?
Ruri: Yes. If you'd like an introduction, I could arrange that.
Touji: Ve vould be honored, Kepten. (Salutes floppily, and so does Kensuke.)
Lapis: (Under her breath.) Baka baka.
It was at this point that the trapdoor flew open, sending Jun yelling and hurtling toward a table. His yells and his crash landing take Yukina's attention.
Yukina: Excuse me, brother dear. Step step step step... stop. Lean. Jun, are you okay?
Jun: My legs... I can't feel my legs.
Yukina: Stare. You aren't even drunk yet.
A disheveled looking Shinji Ikari leaps through the doorway with a yell that would have done a Gekiganger pilot proud. His hair is mussed, like somebody has run her hands through it, his shirt is unbuttoned halfway down his to his waist, and his pants, though buttoned and still on him, are unzipped.
Shinji: (To no one in particular.) Help! They're after me! Somebody save me!
Yurika: (Turning to see what the commotion was about.) IKARI SHINJI! Shame on you! (Claps her hands over Lapis Lazuli's eyes, who has turned to look as well.)
Akito: Look, Shinji looks like he got laid!
Kaji, Gai, Tsukurou: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Misato: Shinji! Where have you been? What have you done? Or rather, (grinning salaciously) WHO have you DONE?
Akito, Gai, Kaji, and Tsukurou laugh out loud at this, although Akito and Tsukurou were cut off by elbows to the ribs from their respective better halves. It is to the sound of laughter that the First Child and Second Child make their entrance.
Kaji: Your Honor, (bowing to Misato) Exhibits A (indicating Asuka) and B (gesturing to Rei). Or is it B and A?
Misato: Hmmm. Mr. Ikari, answer the question.
Shinji: I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, and you can't possibly prove anything.
Asuka: Really? Shall I have forensics analyze the bed sheet below?
Rei: ...
Jemu: Ms. Ayanami, could I see that bottle you're holding?
Rei: ... (gives it to Jemu)
Jemu: (Gasps.) HL-pills!
Akito: What?
Jemu: Hyper Lemon pills! It's like taking Viagra and irradiating your balls at the same time! Unwanted pregnancies and sexual inexperience solved with just one product. Only $2000 per pill. Availability and legality varies per area. With BFAD permit #70506040865 series of 2002.
Evang steps in, freshly washed and dressed to the nines, interrupting Jemu's infomercial.
Evang: Ah, good, everybody is here! This means that the beautiful Megumi Reinard is here as well!
Tsukurou: And she's not the only one that has arrived! So has your judgment!
FLOOR PLAN--SpaceBar Main Lounge NOTE: Since it's hammerspace, expect some differences every episode.
[DOOR 1 (from Hangar)]
[]Hammerspace corridor Hammerspace Corr.[]
________
THE BAR | Table 1(NERGAL)Table 2(MegMinYu) Table 3 Table 4 Table 5 ___________________
_____ | |
| | 6 7(Tenkawas) 8 9 10 |
| | | Stage
| | 11(Kids) 12(Pilots) 13 14 15 | for
| | | Live
| | Trapdoor | Perfomances
| | to |
| | Hammerspace |
| | Suite(s?) |
| | |
| | 16(EVA) 17 18 19 20 |
| | |
| | |
_____| | 26 27 28 29 30 |
________| |___________________
31 32 33 34 35
[]HS corridor HS Corridor []
[DOOR 2 (from Wreck Room)]
Evang: The hell? Who are you?
Tsukurou: Defender of truth, justice and of exploited Earth women! Take this! FIST OF JUSTICE!
Akito: Ah, the party's started. How about some music to go with it?
Jemu: OK, BOS. Hit it!
Hidden loudspeakers blare out "Rettsu Gooo Gekigangaa 3."
TABLE 2
Minato: Tiresome, but apt.
Megumi: I hope he kills that dirty old man.
Yurika: (from table 7) Since when did you become so bloodthirsty, Megumi?
Meg: Since I got propositioned on the way here.
Yurika: I shouldn't say this, but I agree with you. Evang was disgusting back there.
Meg: Back where?
Akito: (another table 7 occupant) Back on Earth. Those boys (indicating table 11, where Ruri, Lapis, Touji and Kensuke sat) were drooling, as well as Tsukurou.
Minato: (to Yukina) I do hope your idiot brother was drooling over me, and not Meg-chan.
Yukina: Sigh. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure he was. You've spoiled him for other women, onee-san.
On table 12, another serious scuffle was taking place.
Ryoko: Hikaru, take the ukulele away from her, I'll try to pin her down!
Hikaru: Alright, Izumi, no one's going to die tonight.
Izumi: A stage for live acts! Must get on it. Must perform. Must get away from you two.
R & H: No stinking WAY!
Gai: (Approaching the three) Is there a problem, ladies?
Hikaru: (Letting go of Izumi's arms) Wow! You really look like Ken from Gekiganger! Would you mind if I drew you? I'm Amano Hikaru, by the way. I'm an Aesti pilot for the Nadesico, a manga artist and I like rice crackers!
Ryoko: Hikaru! Help me here or we'll all suffer! You can flirt or gush over him later!
Hikaru: Oh, the screaming one is Ryoko. She's also pilot. She doesn't like Gekiganger that much, I'm afraid. The other one is Izumi. She's a pilot too.
Gai: Does she like Gekiganger as well?
Hikaru: You know, I haven't asked. Izumi, how do you feel about Gekiganger?
Izumi: If it would release me from Demoness Ryoko's grip, I'd marry it and have its children. Let go, Demoness!
Hikaru: Um, I think it's OK with her. What's your name?
Ryoko: Hikaru, I think she's breaking away!
Gai: I am Daigouji Gai, last seen on episode two of Kidou Senkan Nadesico. I was a great pilot, er, warrior of justice and Tenkawa's fighting partner. Until management fired me, that is. Made me die at the end of episode 2, shot by a deserter. What an inglorious way to die! It was unfit for the glorious soul of Gekiganger!
Hikaru: (Wiping tears from her eyes.) That is so like manga! Do you mind if I write it down for future use?
Gai: No, not all.
Izumi: (escaping from Ryoko) The spirit of free expression, wittiness and creativity has broken away from its shackles! Feeble mortals, beware! Heheheheheheh... (Runs toward the stage, ukulele in hand.)
Ryoko: All is lost. Woe to us all. We die horrible deaths this night. (Turns on Hikaru.) And this is all your fault!
Table 1...
Akatsuki: (Takes a sip from his glass.) So who's winning the fight?
Erina: (looks around, eyebrow raised) Hard to say. It has started to take the proportions of a Serpent Orb Y episode.
Gort: (sitting still) At least the attack names are apt for this fight. Not unlike Daigouji, who thinks an Aestivalis sortie is a Gekiganger episode.
Akatsuki: Was he any good? (Looking at Gai, who was currently arguing with Ryoko.)
Gort: He was.
Akatsuki: (Looks around, spying the Three Children, Misato and Kaji across the room.) And who are those characters?
Erina: They're from another series, I think. Lower technology, meaner aliens. Plus fewer females in the important cast.
Tsukurou: FUTARI KEN! HISSATSU! BAKURETSU... GEKIGAN FINISHU KICK! (Lands his blow perfectly, destroying whatever hopes Evang had for the continuation of his line.)
Evang: (Coughing blood, then falls on his knees to the floor.) Nanda kono chikara wa? [What power is this?](Closes his eyes and falls on his face.){THUD}
Loudspeakers: Shori no V da, Gekiganger V!...
Tsukurou manages to send "V" signs to his audience before turning his attention to Megumi, who was tugging on his sleeve.
Tsukurou: Ah, Megumi-san. What is it? Do you have another evildoer who has done you wrong?
Megumi: None that I know of anymore. Thank you.
Tsukurou: He's not dead, just out cold. Come, I shall escort you to your table.
Jemu: Crap. Here, Akatsuki. A thousand creds.
Akatsuki: I may be a bastard, but I sure know how to spot potential.
Jemu: You must admit, it was pretty much unsure back there. Either one could win-- what?
Akatsuki: You actually thought that crazy lug you have for a partner could win against Tsukurou? I should be owning this rig right now.
Jemu: How so? You knew from the start who would win?
Gort: To borrow a few words from Daigouji: He was fighting for the just cause, and justice always wins in the end.
Erina: Besides, he landed the first hit, or weren't you watching from the start?
Jemu: I was working. Filling out the orders of a party this big isn't easy, even for a man of my capabilities. Excuse me, I have to prevent a death from happening.
Table 16. Its occupants are silent. All look serious. Finally, one of them speaks.
Misato: Hey, where're the beers I ordered?
Jemu: (Dragging the remains of Evang to a hammerspace corridor.) Damn. BOS, you tend the bar, while I take care of this guy.
BOS: Masususnod, kamahalan.
Jemu: And set primary reply language to English. And stop the 'Majesty' crap.
BOS: Opo.
Jemu: (raising his voice) Okay, may I have your attention please. The station's computer will now take over for me. If you have any orders, address them to BOS. Meanwhile, I'll just head over to sick bay. Thank you. (exits)
Seating Arrangement, Table 16. Table 16 has a round table, so the arrangement goes: Shinji-Misato-Rei-Asuka-Kaji.
Kaji: So, Shinji, how does it feel to discover one of the greatest mysteries of all time, or in your case, uncover the two greatest mysteries of your life?
Shinji: It was pretty OK, I guess, until they turned into sex maniacs!
Asuka: We prefer to be known as 'affection addicts'.
Shinji: There's a difference?
Rei: Yes. Sex maniacs will tackle anything that moves. Sex maniacs will also try to reproduce with anything over 2 inches long and less than 3 inches in diameter.
Shinji: And you're different because...?
Asuka: We're only interested in tackling you. (Smiles at him, like a cat that has cornered a mouse.)
Misato: Well, I see nothing wrong with this. Unless, of course, the complications that arise will interfere with your studies or your piloting.
Kaji: But thanks to these (picks up the bottle of HL-pills and shakes it) none of that will happen.
Shinji: What happens when the pills are gone? Will you be trying to explain to my father that one of his pilots can't pilot because she's pregnant?
Rei: Synchronization with a pregnant female has never been tried.
Asuka: I, of course, am willing to offer my body for the advancement of science.
Shinji: I just bet you are.
As they were saying the last few lines, the familiar white glow of a Boson jump fills the bar.
Touji: Yow! What is happening?
Kensuke: I'm blind, I'm blind, temporarily blinded!
Yurika: (Tensing.) Akito...
Akito: Boson jump? (Yurika nods.) Stay close. Ruri, Lapis, over here, quickly!
Doctors Akagi and Fresange materialize from the glow, a bed sheet wrapped around their firm, well-developed bodies.
Ai: Damn. Not this place again.
Ritsuko: The outer space drinking joint?
Jemu: (Walks in from hammerspace) Get the name right: the SpaceBar. (Takes a really good and long look at the newcomers.) Zap-a-rooty! Blonde bombshell action! (Lets out a long whistle.)
Misato: What's that? Ritsuko! And that ice-queen blonde that could have been her sister!
Kaji: Looks like Shinji's not the only one who's getting some these days.
Both women, if they felt the weight of all of the eyes on them, gave no evidence of it.
Ritsuko: (Coolly.) Do you have a changing room here?
Ai: (Calm.) More importantly, do you have suitable clothes on board?
Jemu: Hmmm. The corridors here are tele-empathic hammerspace tunnels. Do you understand what that means?
Ai: We can twist reality, entering one and exiting into a room with more clothes than Imelda Marcos has shoes?
Ritsuko: (Nodding.) Like where I got LCL on this thing, only on a bigger scale.
Jemu: I always did like smart ladies. Take your pick, there are four of them.
Ai and Ritsuko make their way to the hammerspace corridor nearest to them, which was to the left of the stage where Izumi was holding forth.
Izumi: So I asked the chicken, "Chicken, chicken, why did you cross the road?" It didn't answer, just kept staring at the naked blondes who crossed earlier. (Strums her ukulele.)
Gai: What was that all about? Who were those naked women?
Hikaru: The one with long hair was Dr. Ines Fresange, who joined us when we went to Mars. As for the other one, I don't know who she is.
Ryoko: If Uri-P was here, we'd have some real entertainment. Not that Serpent Orb Y episode earlier.
Gai: Uri-P?
Hikaru: Yeah, the Nadesico's head technician. Browned skin, glasses, dark hair--
Gai: That old son of a goat?
Seiya: Who's an old goat? (Whaps Gai on the head with a multi-folded sheet of paper.)
Ryoko: How did you get here, old man?
Hikaru: I thought only Martians and Jovians could Boson Jump.
Seiya: I'm crushed, Hikaru. It's like you're not real glad that I'm here.
Hikaru: (Blushing.) Well, I...
Gai: Who could be real glad that you're here, old man? Especially (places an arm across Hikaru's shoulders) when she doesn't seem to want your presence.
Seiya: (Stares at Gai's arm) So, is that the way it is? We seasoned men shouldn't be easily discounted, you know. What we lack in vigor and stamina, we make do with technique. Not like stupid young bucks.
Gai: Are you calling me stupid, you hairy old fart?
Seiya: You want to turn it into a federal case, boy?
Gai: (Stands up) LET'S GET IT ON!
The two arch-rivals proceed beating the heck out of each other.
Ryoko: Told you there'd be entertainment if Uri-P was here.
Hikaru: It isn't entertaining, it's shameful. Grown men, acting like boys.
Ryoko: Aren't you thrilled to have two men fighting over you? It's like in manga, right?
This new bout of brawling has attracted the attention of the other patrons.
Jun: Look, there's another fight going on. It looks like Mr. Daigouji with someone else.
Yukina: Stand. Stare. I don't recognize the other man.
Jun: You mean you can tell who it is from the pants he wears?
Izumi starts playing a catchy stomp-your-feet/clap-your-hands Western country tune.
Yurika: Seiya's here? But I didn't feel anything!
Erina: It must be a new form of transportation that Mr. Uribatake has used. Think of all the possibilities that this could entail. No telltale flash, no getting lost, no nanomachines required.
Akatsuki: Now, now, Erina, you're off duty. We can grill him later.
Touji: Hey, another fight. Place your bets, everyone. Gekiganger vs. the Dark Empire!
Kensuke: Aha, my camera still works! (Trains it on the melee.) My bet's on Gekiganger!
A solar plexus blow sends Gai down on the floor.
Gai: Bloody dirty fighting technique. I'm sorry Miss Nanako, I won't be spending my days on the ocean with you after all.
{THUD!}
Seiya: (Rising slowly from his fighter's crouch) Nanda? Kasukatta dake sa? [What That was it?] Time for a beer, then.
Touji: Yeah! Gekiganger loses! You owe me two weeks worth of lunch, fool!
Kensuke: Nooooooooo!
Yukina: Smack fist into palm. Damn. The old man won.
Jun: Finally! A reprieve from being under a woman's thumb for all this time! It's my turn! Hahahahahahahaha!
The two doctors reappear, dressed in sleeveless blouses and slacks. Their heeled sandals make clicking noises on the floor as they head toward the Evangelion table.
Ritsuko: Ai says the 'explain' sayer was from this table.
Shinji: Ai? Oh, that must mean you, Dr. Fresange.
Ai: (Slipping into a chair, Ritsuko doing the same.) Yes. So, what needs explaining?
Ritsuko: And what are these? Appetizers?
Asuka: In a way. (Turns to Rei, who also faces her and smiles.) It makes some things very good to eat.
Shinji: Those are pills that, umm...
Ai: Yes? What do these pills do?
Kaji: They say that its effects on men are similar to taking Viagra and a vasectomy for two hours. Mindless, worry-free sex until the pill loses its effects.
Misato: We were wondering if it was possible to make more of these things. Then flash, you were here.
Ai: I see. And the 'explain' part?
Misato: Oh, that. (Chuckles.) Shinji was asking how I would explain it to his father if the pills run out and he gets one of the female pilots pregnant.
Rei: It is possible for both female pilots to be impregnated.
Shinji: It is?!
BOS: Construction complete.
Jemu: Really? That fast?
BOS: Dead Characters' Apartments ready to receive occupants as of 3.46 seconds ago.
Jemu: Thanks for the update, BOS. I'll just spread the news to everybody else. (Goes over to the stage.) Hello, Miss Maki. (Grabs a microphone) Attention, attention.
All eyes turn to him.
Izumi: Wow. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jemu: What, talk?
Izumi: Hehehehe. No, grab their attention.
Jemu: Tell you what: have a few drinks with me, and catch the words of wisdom as they drop from my wasted tongue. Later?
Izumi: Okay.
Jemu: Great. (To the mic.) I am pleased to announce that the Dead Characters' Apartments are now online. It means that Misters Ryoji, Daigouji and Tsukurou can now wander around without fear of being sucked back into purgatory. The same goes for all other dead characters that might be revived as this work progresses. Thank you.
Applause, applause, and congratulations. Everybody resumes eating, drinking, talking, making lame jokes, the usual stuff everybody does when sitting in front of food and drink.
Akito: Ah, peace at last. No hostile Jovians jumping in, no suicide missions to be sent to.
Shinji: No alien invaders intent on destroying the Earth either.
Asuka: Then what will we do to pass the time?
Rei: Don't you mean, WHO?
Asuka: That's a good one, Rei. (Both of them stare hungrily at Shinji.)
Shinji: Will you two knock it off? Don't you know you're embarrassing me in front of all these people? Dr. Akagi, what do you think is wrong with them?
Ritsuko: I don't see anything wrong with their behavior. They're behaving as I would expect a couple of fifteen-year old girls to behave around a handsome teenage boy.
Shinji: That's just it! I want them back to normal! I want them to stop chasing me around and carting me off to bed!
Ai: Why don't you ask Akito for help... wait, that won't work either.
Shinji: Why? He was a teenager once, wasn't he?
Ai: He wouldn't be a good candidate to give advice because he eventually married one of the girls that were chasing him.
Akito: Yup, story of my life. Moral of the story: running away will get you nowhere.
Yurika: So, you equate me with nowhere, huh? And the kids as well?
Akito: No, I... (Shrivels under the combined stares of Yurika, Ruri, and Lapis Lazuli.)
Asuka: Maybe we should stop staring so at Shinji, Rei. He might, you know, shrivel up as well.
Rei: Don't worry, I'm sure Dr. Akagi can figure out the secret of these pills.
Ritsuko: Why not? It's not as if I had anything else to do. This reminds me, I need to talk with someone from Ai's series that has knowledge of their technology. Any suggestions?
Yurika: Well, there's Ines for Boson jumping and gravity, and I guess you could talk to Seiya Uribatake for all the facts about Aestis.
Ritsuko: Aestis?
Akito: Short for Aestivalis units. Standard powered armor of our series. You should ask Tsukurou Shiratori about Gekigan-types and their robotic, computerized armies.
Ritsuko: Which one is he?
Kaji: He's the one that looks like he stepped out of a 70's robot series.
Misato: Yeah, the one that's still standing up.
Kaji: No, that's Gai Daigouji.
Misato: How can you tell?
Kaji: He's still holding his chest, evidence of receiving a powerful blow there. Tsukurou Shiratori is on table 2, with those two women with the lovely, uh, with the women we were watching at the Wreck Room.
Back on Tokyo-3, NERV bridge.
Gendo: How did you manage to save those two hackers from our local battle queen, Fuyutsuki?
Fuyutsuki: Pressure points technique. Effective not only on arthritis, but on unsuspecting individuals as well.
Gendo: Hmmm.
Fuyutsuki: You never told me why you were agreeable in helping that Tenkawa person.
Gendo: I had been assured that it would be worth my while.
Fuyutsuki: Why? What have you been promised? A way to stop SEELE once and for all?
Gendo: We shall see. Tell me, old friend, how would you stop a rampaging EVA?
Fuyutsuki: I'll do as Major Katsuragi did - if the AT field is too powerful, I'll hit it with positron rifles.
Gendo: But what if the EVA withstood a positron stream? If the beam merely splattered against it? What then? How would you stop it?
Fuyutsuki: That's impossible. No AT field can withstand a positron beam.
Gendo: No AT field, yes. But a distortion field might.
Fuyutsuki: What?
Gendo: You have asked what I had been promised, Fuyutsuki. What I had been offered by Tenkawa's mysterious patron, who had sent us the stem cells we used on him.
Fuyutsuki: A way to protect Evangelion from its fatal weakness?
Gendo: That was one of those I was promised to receive. If I am right, we will also have the means to send Evangelion to the stars, taking the fight to where these Angels come from.
Fuyutsuki: That's preposterous!
Gendo: Is it? Makoto?
Hyuuga: Sir!
Gendo: Do we have an analysis of the ship currently in the harbor?
Hyuuga: Yes, sir, we do.
Gendo: Tell us, how is it powered?
Hyuuga: (Calling up a file.) It appears that the ship is propelled by manipulation of gravitic forces.
Aoba: Beg your pardon sir, but I have detected emissions similar to those of a nuclear submarine's reactor.
Fuyutsuki: You have? What is this talk of gravitic power, then, Mr. Makoto?
Hyuuga: Well, sir, the--
Maya: Sir! Unknown units moving our way, sir! Their flight pattern will bring them on top of us if they land!
Aoba: I count nine of them descending on us!
Hyuuga: Establishing visual contact now!
A monitor showing nine winged, white shapes, like circling carrion birds, falling in a controlled spiral toward the ground. Toward the unsuspecting city of Tokyo-3.
Maya: Analysis like no Angel we've seen, Commander!
Gendo: So noted.
Fuyutsuki: Is this SEELE's work?
Gendo: Perhaps.
Fuyutsuki: Send a red alert to the city. Have the people evacuated from all possible areas of combat.
Aoba: I'm on it.
Gendo: Send a high frequency radiowave beam toward the sky, Mr. Makoto. This beam must pierce the atmosphere and reach outer space.
Hyuuga: Sir?
Gendo: Just do it!
Hyuuga: Aye, sir!
Maya: ETA of first target, fifteen seconds. ETA for succeeding targets is five seconds after each drop.
Aoba: The civilians are evacuating as we speak. AT Field detected!
Hyuuga: Beam has been sent, sir!
Gendo: Now we wait.
Fuyutsuki: Wait? Launch EVAs now!
Maya: No pilots in the compound, sir!
Fuyutsuki: This is it, then.
BOS: Receiving high-priority SOS message, sir.
Jemu: Huh?
BOS: It is from below us, the city of Tokyo-3.
Jemu: Satellite view!
Gai: What's going on?
Jemu: We're about to find out.
The satellite display showed two huge white figures on the streets of the city, as seven more descended in a tight spiral around the two. They watched as the third form folded its wings, crashed into the ground, and picked itself up as though nothing happened.
Jemu: Shit. Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Tokyo-3 is under attack!
Shinji: What!
Asuka: Oh, no!
Rei: We have left the city unguarded.
Jemu: HANG ON EVERYONE! THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE BUMPY RIDE! BOS, chronoshift us, the whole stinking station, into the lower atmosphere.
BOS: Chronoshifting now.
A monitor showing nine winged, white shapes, like circling carrion birds, falling in a controlled spiral toward the ground. Toward the unsuspecting city of Tokyo-3. Suddenly, a long, massive form appears above the city and the invaders as well.
Maya: Sir! Unidentified flying object has suddenly come to existence over Tokyo-3!
Fuyutsuki: Was this part of your plan?
Gendo: ...
Jemu: Okay, here's the deal. None of those white things must destroy the Geofront. We need to get the Evangelion pilots to the Geofront so that they can take care of those things. We could shuttle them down, or someone could Boson jump them in. Still, we need to distract those beasts long enough for the kids to get to it. Any questions? Suggestions?
Akito: Yurika, Ines and I will Boson jump the needed people into the base.
Jemu: Good. I'll provide cover fire, but don't expect miracles.
Akatsuki: We're not expecting miracles from you. That job falls to us. With Uribatake-san here, we can change from Luna frames to air frames and hit them as quick as possible.
Jemu: Just so you know, these things are unpredictably fast, and their AT field is like distortion fields on steroids. Got that? Be careful when engaging.
Ryoko: We will.
Jemu: Then what are we waiting for? GO!
The pilots and Seiya head for the hangar. A white flash sends Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Ritsuko, Misato, Ai, Akito and Yurika on their way.
Kaji: I'm stuck here, I guess.
Jemu: BOS, give each person in the room a fire control console. (As 10 consoles pop up from the floor) Mr. Aida, Mr. Suzuhara, would you like to help your friends?
Touji: We would, but we don't know how.
Jemu: It's simple really. Kensuke here will get to choose his weapon consoles, while you are going down there to kick some Angel ass.
Touji: How? Shinji destroyed Unit 03 a long time ago. And my arm is broken.
Seiya: Hey! Where did this black robot come from? It looks like one of those flying things, only a different color!
Touji: Impossible!
Jemu: Here, nothing is impossible, just improbable. Better go and synch test with it, 'cause the fun is starting already! (Gestures to the monitor.)
The screen showed NERV's EVAs firing huge energy guns at the white invaders. The four Aestivalis were also there, sending missiles into a single Angel. Predictably, the creature survived the attack.
Touji: Damn!
Jemu: Go, boy! Good luck! (Touji heads out toward the hangar.) Alright, people, let's show them what we got! BOS, Yamato cannons fire!
Orange light streamed from the underside of the SpaceBar, annihilating the monstrosity the Aestis were firing at.
Jun: Anti-matter missiles firing!
Yukina: Neutron flares fire!
That took out another Angel. Two down, wait, three, as the Children focused their positron beams on a single target, disintegrating it. By this time, however, the other six were in melee range. Each monster paused, Longinus Lances materializing in their hands.
Gort: Aestivalis, fire at my target! Halo Rockets away!
Ryoko: You heard the man! Fire!
Erina: Firing Gemini Missiles, now!
Minato: Burst lasers, fully auto!
Megumi: Yamato Cannons ready!
Jemu: Fire at will!
Five still remained, fighting intelligently. Two angels would hurl their Lances, and while they where creating more, the other three would hurl theirs. This had the Children dodging around, causing the Lances to destroy armory buildings.
Shinji: We can't keep this up for long!
Asuka: Giving up already, Third Child?
Rei: Look out! Another flyer!
Shinji & Asuka: What?!
They look up, and sure enough there was another winged shape descending, wings out, blocking out the sun, and what seemed to be TWO Lances in its hands.
Shinji: Shimata!
Asuka: Why have they stopped shooting?
Rei: It is two against one, then.
Ruri: We are running low on ammunition. The explosives do not seem to work on AT fields.
Lapis: Energy weapons are cooling down. We cannot fire or we will suffer explosions.
Kensuke: Five versus three? They'll get slaughtered! I have to help them!
Jemu: Do as you wish, then. May you find what you seek, and get what you deserve.
A white flash signaled the return of the Boson jumpers.
Akito: They need us!
Yurika: There's a black demon coming for them, with two of those spears!
Jemu: Don't worry it's almost over.
Ines: It is for them, if we don't do something.
Jemu: Watch.
The black shape was still a ways from the ground. Its arms, each laden with a Lance of Longinus, suddenly stretched out, stabbing two white forms through the neck and down the spine. They fell, twitching for a while, before becoming still. The long black arms retracted, empty of their deadly load.
Shinji: Touji?!
Asuka: Isn't that the corrupted one?
Rei: Bardiel would not turn on one of his kind.
Akatsuki: Look! That new one just backstabbed its friends!
Izumi: Sheesh! Kabobbed! Hehehehehe...
Ryoko: The last one is turning to face the black one!
Hikaru: I hope the black guy wins.
Gendo: Now, Shinji! Rush them while it's turned around!
Fuyutsuki: You really are a sneaky bastard, aren't you?
Gendo: Where are all the knights and samurai now, old friend? In books.
The last three Angels raised their Lances and hurled them at Unit 03, at the same time summoning greatswords. The Lances caught an arm, a leg, and a wing, flinging the black EVA down and away. This gave Shinji the courage to yell and charge the monster with his prog knife, with Rei and Asuka pausing long enough to lean down and collect a spear and an axe before charging after him. The Angels blocked the attacks with their swords, and their wings swept out, reforming into living lancets and driving into each Evangelion's sides.
Shinji: Uuuwaaaagggghgh!
Asuka: Aaaaaaaaieeee!
Rei: Gahhhh!
Akito: (from the cockpit of the Black Sarena) Alright, let's do this!
Gai: (in an air frame) Vile monstrosity, prepare to be defeated!
Tsukurou: (broadcasting from Tetsujin) Justice demands our victory, and it cannot be denied!
Akito: Follow in after me! Gekigan... FLARE!
Six Aestivalis and one Gekigan-type rose and dove as one, heading toward their immense targets at intense speed. Before the Angels could react, the much smaller Aestivalis units slammed into their wings-turned-lancets and blew them away, releasing the captive EVAs. Tsukurou's Tetsujin rammed the nearest one, catching it by surprise, and used it as a bigger ram to bludgeon the other two.
Gendo: Good thing that the Angels kept a systematic line of fire.
Fuyutsuki: That last maneuver couldn't have been done, otherwise.
Maya: Sir, we are detecting life patterns from Unit 03! It's still alive!
Aoba: I am detecting a massive energy build-up from the floating weapons battery!
Hyuuga: There is something large and massive moving away from the floating platform!
Misato: A missile, perhaps?
Hyuuga: Way more massive than a missile.
Seiya: Hello?! There's another black robot in the hangar, and that kid with the glasses is requesting launch permission.
Jemu: Kensuke! Go ahead boy, the Double G Super is simple enough to use. Like that game you and Touji played, remember? We'll cover you. Mr. Ryoji, check the console nearest you, what is the Gap Energy reading?
Kaji: Umm, it's nearly full.
Jemu: Good. Kensuke, wait up, I'm going out as well.
Yurika: You're going to fight too? So who will be in charge here?
Jemu: Damn if I know. All I know is that your friends won't be able to do much against those things anymore. Why don't you take charge? (Heads out of the "command room.")
Yurika: But--
Minato: It's okay, you can do it.
Gort: Think of it as commanding a battleship that has damaged engines and can't move.
Megumi: Don't remind us. Nanafusi. Brrr.
Seiya: I love this place! The robots just keep popping up! That is one really big artillery frame, Jemu. What do you call it, a Terra frame?
Jemu: I haven't thought of it, but I guess I'll call it the Terra Walker.
Seiya: It's not a frame?
Jemu: No. Mr. Ryoji, can you hear me?
Kaji: Loud and clear.
Jemu: OK, listen up. As soon as Kensuke and I are out, Megumi and Yurika will fire the big guns. They run on a different cooling and power system, so it should be safe. After that, Kaji will have the Gap Generators fire. Ask help from the little girls if you need it, Kaji.
Kensuke: This is it then.
Jemu: Yeah. (Walks toward the opening hangar door.) Bahala na! (Sends his Terra Walker over the edge.)
Kensuke: Kamikaze! (Takes a running jump out of the hangar.)
Seiya: No you fools! Your parachutes are still here!
Jemu and Kensuke: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Lapis: They're out.
Kaji: Gap Generators, go!
Yurika: Fire, uhm, Big Guns!
Megumi: Firing!
The Angels were in a tight circle, throwing small wing-shards at their smaller enemies without much success. Darkness suddenly fell across the battlefield, plunging all in and above it in artificial night.
Gendo: What's happening?
Ritsuko: Some sort of light absorbing field has manifested from a point... between the 3 Angels.
Misato: Status report on the EVAs!
Maya: Still no signs of activity from Units 00 and 01.
Hyuuga: Unit 03 has gained to its feet and is now mobile.
Ritsuko: Impossible! It just took three Lance hits!
Hyuuga: It is now, umm, limping its way toward the darkened region.
Touji: Ah, can anyone hear me? NERV? Can you hear me?
Fuyutsuki: Suzuhara! (Glances at his side to see how Gendo is reacting to this.)
Gendo: What of Unit 02?
Aoba: Sir! Unit 02 is active sir! But its umbilical cord has been severed by the last attack on it!
Misato: Again, the EVAs move on their own.
Maya: Energy pulse detected!
An orange pillar of fire flashed down into the darkness, illuminating two of the three Angels as it vaporized the third. It also dispelled the darkness, and the smaller forms of the flying defenders came into view once more. But that was not all.
Jemu and Kensuke: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!
{CRASH}
Touji: What in the hell? Hey Asuka, are you okay in there? Asuka? Asuka! Answer me, girl! Damn! What the hell is going on? And who are these two fools who dropped from the sky? (Stretches his EVAs arms, wincing as he does so, and pulls the two unknowns off of the Angels.)
The remaining Angels recovered from their rude surprise, although the one which the Terra Walker landed on took a little longer. Unit 02 noticed this as well.
Unit 02: GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Charges the Angels with its axe held high.)
But the Angels were smart. They quickly spread their wings and took to the air, shrugging off the half-hearted attacks made by the Nadesico units.
Kensuke: Now what?
Touji: Kensuke, is that you?
Jemu: Quick, boy, fire the Smashing Beam!
Kensuke: What the hell kind of name is that?
Touji: You have no sense of originality, dude. Black is MY color.
Jemu: PU-SANG-AMA! PHOTON CANNON UPPER!
The Terra Walker raised its right arm, which ended in something which could have been a pneumatic lance or a beam weapon barrel, and shot a ball of light the same size as an EVA's torso. It hit one of the Angels smack in the chest, carrying it upwards and dropping it smack down in front of a waiting Unit 02. Said EVA wasted no time in getting medieval on its unholy ass.
Yurika: Ugh. What is the red robot doing?
Ruri: Is this what they mean when adults say "tear you apart?"
Gort: ... (Turns from his usual dark tan into a sickly, pale flesh.)
Fuyutsuki: My God...
Ritsuko: It's a repeat of that episode.
Misato: I think I'm going to be sick. Again.
Gendo: The will to power. The drive to self-actualization. A function of the soul, and not the subconscious?
One more Angel remained. As if sensing no chance of victory against two fresh opponents, it flew higher, closer to a more defenseless one.
Jemu: Shit! I can't fly!
Kensuke: It's headed for the SpaceBar!
Lapis: Enemy unit approaching!
Megumi: The main guns are not ready yet!
Erina: And we're out of ammo!
The beast produced two swords, and started slashing away at the reinforced titanium. The AT Field assisted blades cut into the hull like flame through paper.
Yukina: Stand. Run run run run. Hug! I love you, Jun!
Jun: Yukina! I love you as well! If we die, at least--
Kaji: We're not going to die! Suzuhara! Fly your black modified ass up here, NOW!
Touji: Why am I so stupid! (Unfolds a pair of rather short, but aerodynamic wings.) Owww! My leg is killing me! and so is my arm!
Kensuke: Look out! Unit 02 is headed this way, and-- why is it's chest glowing?
With a leap, Unit 02 closes the gap between the itself and the black EVA. It reached out for Touji...
Akito: It looks like those EVA units are fighting amongst themselves!
Akatsuki: What now? Can we distortion ram the monster?
Gai: Great idea! (Peels away.)
Tsukurou: The innocents must be protected!
Akito: Wait! Gai! Tsukurou!
Ryoko & Hikaru: IIIKEEEEEEE! [GOOOOOO!]
Izumi: Only fools rush in where angels fear to tread but what if it flies? (Follows her partners.)
Akatsuki: Well, fry-boy? Are you going to leave your wife alone again?
Akito: Shut up!!! YUUUUURRIIIIIIIIKKAAAAAAAAA!(Blasts off, followed closely by Akatsuki.)
Izumi: Good thing he wasn't named Kitsuya by his parents.
Akatsuki: Yes. That show really bugged the hell out of me. Flying trucks? Giant turbofans? Give me a break.
The Angel was expecting this, however. It buried its swords into the hull of the SpaceBar, then turned to face the attack. Because the distortion tackles were not simultaneous, the Angels AT Field had a field day [sorry for the pun] and bounced the attackers off like tennis balls against a brick wall.
Touji: Asuka! It's me Touji! Shinji's friend! Remember?
Jemu: It has an active S2 core now. Unlimited strength, thanks to the dust and air around us.
Kensuke: This is terrible.
Unit 02: GRRRRAAAAARRRRL!
What the Angel wasn't expecting was an EVA hurtling toward it at Mach 0.5 speed. It met the black EVA with its AT Field, suspending it in mid-air.
Ritsuko: Touji! Use your AT Field to nullify the enemy's!
Jemu: Then lock your arms around it!
Touji: I'll try!
There was a flash, then a sound not unlike thunder. The next thing the spectators saw was two large forms hurtling down from the sky.
Jemu: Kensuke, run under them and fire the Smashing Beam! Position yourself directly underneath them, and fire when I give the signal. Do you understand? We only have one shot at this, or else we risk having Unit 02 engage it in a 50-50 battle.
Kensuke: Okay, I'm moving. (Gets into position.) But what's the signal?
Jemu: (Ignoring him.) Touji, listen to me. When I scream, obey my command, the command that I shouted out. Clear? Otherwise... you don't want to ignore my scream, trust me.
Touji: O-okay.
Jemu: TOUJI! GET OUT OF THE WAY!
Touji: Eject entry plug!!
Kensuke: SMASHING BEAM!!!
A green beam erupted from the black robot's head, shooting upwards into the falling tangle of steel and flesh. A cylindrical capsule released its parachutes seconds later, as the beam engulfed the mechanical giants in green flame. And then there was just one left, green flames adorning it, trailing after it as it fell to the ground, creating a crater [don't you just love alliterations?].
Maya: (almost as an afterthought) Positron burst detected.
Gendo: Indeed.
Ruri: He did it.
Lapis: Kensuke-san saved us all.
Yurika: Akito! Where's Akito?
Akatsuki: Don't worry, he's still here.
Ryoko: Don't worry, if he jumps away, just jump after him.
Hikaru: What's wrong, Izumi?
Izumi: There were a couple of good puns back there, and that snotty narrator got them both.
Tsukurou: Justice has triumphed once more! V!
Gai: Hahahaha! Let us celebrate! Let's sing!
Others: (except Tsukurou) Let's NOT!
THE END?