SpaceBar Adventures 7: Thema Incognito
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: The anime characters and series mentioned in this little piece of litter-rature don't belong to me. Also, the Moulin Rouge isn't part of my statement of assets and liabilities either. Only Jemu, Evang, and BOS are belong to me.
The Angels have been driven off. For now. Peace now reigns once more on
everybody's favorite location for crossovers, the interdimensional video
arcade and drinking joint...
Evang: Fly me to the moon, and let me play, among the stars...
Jemu: Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars...
Akito: Spring? What spring? It's always bloody temperate in Mars! No snow
whatsoever! (Takes a swig of beer from his can and grimaces.)
Shinji: This from a guy who spent his early days in a huge terrarium.
... eh heh, and not to mention videoke bar, the SpaceBar.
Akatsuki: So, what the hell where those things?
Asuka: Those were Angels. We get them on a regular basis on Tokyo-3. About
once a week, but this is the first time they attacked en masse.
Ryoko: One of those monstrosities every week!? I don't believe it! You and
your team must be very good.
Asuka: Of course! Would you expect no less from the great Souryu Asuka Langley?
Hikaru: It must be stressful to expect such disasters every week.
Rei: At least they aren't Huge Radioactive Mutant Lizards (TM).
Everyone on the table turns to stare at Rei.
Rei: Sorry. Been watching old movies while I was recuperating. They had this Gojira marathon and... (Starts rambling on and on about the Huge Radioactive Mutant Lizard we all know and love.)
Everybody is still staring at Rei, all openmouthed.
Izumi: At least all your lizard does is stomp around your city and exhale blue or green radiation. Our Lizards have this annoying tendency to jump around all over the battlefield. (Strums her little guitar and ducks a can thrown at her.)
Minato: (on another table) Tsukurou, dear, calm down. It isn't good for your heart to get angry all to easily, remember?
Yukina: Giving him only four hours of sleep every night for the past two days isn't helping him either.
Minato had the grace to blush. Aoi Jun chokes on a handful of peanuts and begins choking. Grinning, Yukina pounds him on his back, keeping in count with "The Little Drummer Boy."
Evang: So, tell me, Akito, were all those hentai dojinshi of you doing almost every female on board the Nadesico-A real? How does your family feel about them?
Jemu: Do they even know about them indecent, sleazy stories? And on those long and lonely nights in space during POD, did you ever look at Lapis other than in a fatherly or brotherly way?
Akito: (Grips his beer tightly in one hand.) GEKIGAN FLARE!
The assistant bartender flies through the wine collection and through lots of walls as well.
Shinji: Wow. Just like an episode of Serpent Orb Y.
Evang: So, Shinji, where are your friends?
Shinji: Maybe they're in the Wreck Room.
Evang: And why aren't you sitting with your adoring, adorable, living, psychologically unbalanced love dolls?
Shinji: You want psychologically imbalanced?! (Leaps over the bar and proceeds to get Evangelic on the bartender's behind.)
As his partner is getting trounced Eva-style, Jemu flies through his last wall and crashes onto the room's floor.
Jemu: (Gets up on his feet and takes a good look around.) Geez, this room is reeking of talcum powder and the scent of compact powder... uh, oh.
Ai: And very soon, of pervert blood.
Ritsuko: I'll give you three guesses to where you are right now, and-
Jemu: Yeah, yeah, the first two don't count. Women's dressing room, right?
Misato: (Sarcastic.) Gee, I wonder what gave it all away. Oh, it must be all of us each in some stage of partial undress.
Ruri: Baka baka.
Lapis: He-n-ta-i.
Misato, Ai, Yurika, Ritsuko, and Megumi nod in agreement. Interdimensional Mallets appear in their hands, set to Maximum Pain, Long Time Dying.
Jemu: (3 seconds away from receiving mortal pain.) BOS, mind tap and broadcast please. I want to make some people die before it all fades to black. Up to the last 2 minutes of my arrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Back in the Main Lounge, Kaji and Gai are restraining a raving Shinji. Oh,did I mention barely restrained?
Shinji: DIE, ZERUEL, DIE! YOUR SPLEEN IS MINE! MINE! TASTY PRECIOUSSSS!!
Evang: Get him away from me! Aaiiiieeeee!!
Gai: Shinji! Stop this madness!
Kaji: Daigouji's right! You don't know where he's been or what he has been
eating for the past few episodes!
Shinji: NO! MUST EAT, MY PRECIOUS!!
Evang: No!!! I don't bend that way, man!! Now, if you were a girl... aha!
Gai: This is no time for your sick, depraved perversions, you jerk!
Evang: (Ignoring the insult.) Rei! Asuka! I need your help! Please? Please??
Pretty please? I'll even join the "Stop Asuka and Rei Yuri Stories" org if
you get Shinji to stop! Okay?
Asuka: I'm considering it.
Rei: I'm not.
Evang: (Dodging Shinji's lunge, which sends Shinji crashing into a table and some chairs.) I'll even make a website for each of you! The World's Greatest Souryu Asuka Langley Temple! And the Mother of All (Female Albino Cuties)!
Rei: (Sighing.) It's a little on the thin side, but I'll do it.
Asuka: Okay, Rei-chan. You do it, I'll do him.
Both female pilots exchange salacious grins as Shinji extricates himself
from the debris. Suddenly, the room temperature rises about 5 degrees higher and weird, daydream-type lighting effects begin.
Evang: More like caberet atmosphere, engaged. (Rolls under a table and sticks his head out to watch the action.)
Rei and Asuka slowly walk toward Shinji, who is still crouched like a wild animal ready to fight and die, giving the Moulin Rouge chicks a run for their money. They stop two meters away from Shinji.
Asuka: (bends down to level her mammary assets with Shinji's gaze) Come, here, Shinji-boy. Don't be shy.
Rei: (Crosses her arms on her chest causing her, um, well you know what does happen when a girl crosses her arms on her chest, right?) You've been very, oh so very naughty.
Shinji: Hisssssss. (Looks from one girl to the other, as if to determine which one to pounce on first.)
Asuka: Can't decide which one of us to take first? Let me make it easier for you, sweet thing. (Walks around the shorter girl and wraps her arms around Rei's flat stomach, and nuzzling Rei's neck.)
Shinji doesn't know what's going on, but he realizes that he can now take both threats out in one move. He takes the opportunity and leaps at the girls.
Rei: Now!!!
Insert stock anime/cartoon fight cloud scene here. Pull out all stops on the effects, with each fighter's clothing getting more and more shredded each time they can be seen. After one minute the fight stops and the dust clears.
Shinji is trussed up like a sacrificial lamb with strips of cloth ripped
straight off from Asuka's yellow dress and Rei's school uniform.
Fanboys: SWEEEEEEET!! (They nosebleed and faint, a smile on their faces.)
Evang: SWEEEEEEET!!! (He nosebleeds and faints, a lecherous grin on his face.)
Misato: (Stepping in.) Eh? What's going in here? (Takes a look at the Three
Children.) Were you three fighting again?
Ritsuko: No, it's really rough foreplay. Of course they were! They probably
beat the hell out of Shinji `cause he probably didn't want to have sex with
them again.
Ai: (Smiling.) Maybe his psychologist ought to be tied to a pole and tickled with feathers for doing such a lousy job with him.
Ritsuko: Don't blame me. You'd be screwed up too, if you were making out with someone who smells like your mother, looks like your mother, and is actually cloned from your mother.
Yurika covers Lapis Lazuli's ears.
Yurika: Excuse me, but there are children here.
Izumi: (From the pilots' table.) Of course we do. Those are the Three Children over there.
Megumi: (Spying an unconscious form under a table.) Hey, who's that?
BOS: Oh, it's just the good master, who fainted due to normal masculine blood flow problem. Nothing to worry about. Except for brain damage. Okay, the dang cabaret's closed.
The lights return to normal. We now see that Yurika is in a rabbit, or I
should say a red bunny outfit, while Ruri is filling out her catsuit rather
nicely. No, not that kind of catsuit, the one with the big bell and ears!
Megumi, Ai, Misato and Ritusko are dressed as they usually are when at work. Lapis has a panda hat, and is holding something in her hand, which captures Akito's attention.
Akito: Lapis, why are you playing with Yurika's underwear? Not that I mind but, isn't that her tiger/leopard bikini top?
Lapis: No. It's something for Yukina-san.
Yurika: Akito no baka! (Hurls a mallet at him, which he dodged, having been
expecting it.)
Yukina: Really? For me? Oh, excuse me. (Stands up and makes her way to the
newcomers.) Oh, it's a hair band! With ears!?
Yurika: (Smiling.) Come on, try it! I know you'll look cute in it.
Meanwhile, Asuka is trying a new method of waking up unconscious people: by kicking them in the solar plexus.
Evang: Gyarrrrrgh! (Clutches his chest, and starts breathing heavily and painfully.)
Asuka: Good. You're awake. We've done as you wanted, and even gave you a free show.
Rei: Along with some other perverted fanboys. So I figure you owe us more than the stuff you promised earlier.
Asuka: Yeah! If we wanted websites done for us, we'd just let Kensuke take a picture of us with our skirts being tossed by the wind.
Rei: (Nodding.) Or a picture of us now in our underwear-exposing tattered
clothing.
In the Wreck Room...
Kensuke: Haa-ah-chooo!
Touji: Hey, are you OK?
Kensuke: It's weird, dude. I feel like I should be having a nosebleed now, or something. Maybe someone's talking about me, is all.
Touji: Well, if you feel like getting a nosebleed while playing that (points to the Robomanzer console that Kensuke is parked in front of) I shall be very tempted to not consider you my friend anymore.
Women's Dressing Room...
Jemu: BOS?
BOS: Yes, sir?
Jemu: Did you broadcast my request?
BOS: I sure did. On frequency 54167654.
Jemu: Oh, crap.
BOS: I beg your pardon?
Jemu: BOS, that was- is- the Galaxy's Funniest Media channel.
BOS: Oh.
Jemu: OH?!! That's all you can say?
BOS: Alright. I hope we win the 50,000,000 credit first prize for this month.
Back in the Main Lounge...
Evang: Just curious, but what are you going to do with Shinji now that he's
tied up and immobile?
Rei: Same thing we always do when we get Shinji in a corner. (Smiles in her
Ayanami Rei manner.)
Evang: And that would be...?
Asuka: Ah, ah. (Wags her index finger in front of Evang's face.) Remember, no lemons.
Evang: (Notices the look of sudden fear, nay of absolute terror that crosses Shinji's face.) Let me guess, you're going to drain his life force in a way that pleases all three of you very much, right?
Asuka: For a bartender, you sure do catch up very quickly.
Evang: Haven't you heard? Bartending is now a Ph. D. job. (Leans down and
removes Shinji's gag.) Any last words, Ikari-kun?
Shinji: If I say I'm sorry, would you let me out of this predicament?
Evang: Let's see. (Considers the matter for all of 2 seconds.) No.
Minato: Ruriruri, is there any reason for your dressing up like some cute XD characters from a show with no plot?
Ruri: Not really. Yurika just thought it would be nice and fun to do so. Don't people do strange things during holidays?
Jun: Please don't think badly of me, but I think the maid-in-a-catsuit would look better on a smaller, younger girl. Seeing it on a teenager, well... oh, Yukina, no, don't get angry, I...
Yukina: Jun no baka! EYE-BEAM!!! (Beams come out of Yukina's eyes and turn our poor Aoi Jun to Kuroi Jun, who crumbles into a pile of ash.)
Akatsuki: That's weird.
Ryoko: You could probably say that of this whole fanfic.
Akatsuki: I suddenly have this weird urge to lift Yukina into the air, gaze at her while spewing all sorts of weird pick-up lines. Say, Tsukurou?
Tsukurou: (Frowning at the Nergal prez.) What?
Akatsuki: Your sister isn't for sale, is she?
Tsukurou: (Draws himself to his full height.) Prepare to taste my fists of
holy rage!
Minato: Tsukurou! Your heart-
Tsukurou: Is burning with righteous indignation and brotherly protectiveness!
(He leaps at the pilots' table to get to Akatsuki. Another scuffle ensues.)
Hikaru: Look! Ken and Joe are fighting again!
Evang: (Pouring water over Jun's ashes.) I think Jun is right. Ruri's costume is rather provocative to all sorts of sickos. So, I have the perfect solution. (Walks over to the Author's Omnipotent Hammerspace Device and opens it.) You can come in now, little one. They're all waiting for you, Princess.
Everybody stares as Evang escorts a familiar little albino girl with pale purple hair into the room.
Everybody: Why, it's-
Ruri: Me from five or six years ago, right?
Hikaru: Two Ruris? Isn't this going to be a little bit confusing?
Gai: As if one wasn't unnerving enough.
Kaji: I suppose we could call Captain Hoshino as Big Ruri, and the younger one as Little Ruri.
Izumi: You mean we'd address the winner of the Miss Nadesico contest as (drumroll) "Ruri-ko"?
Everybody is flabbergasted, except for Capt. Hoshino, who also turns Izumi into ash.
Ruri: Any other wiseguys out here? (Silence.) That's good, nyo.
****ATTENTION EVERYBODY****
The author would like to take a reality check and see where he really wants this episode to go to. Sorry for the succeeding exchange between the author's characters. Thank you.
***************************
Jemu: We're halfway through the episode and what have we done?
BOS: Other than getting both of you beaten up, nothing.
Evang: Wait! I'm just building up the boredom so that the readers won't know that something has just changed!
Jemu: Isn't that a bad thing?
BOS: And what's with the Di Gi Charat cosplay going on back there?
Evang: Ah, so you noticed!
BOS: I didn't get the title "The Computer that Whupped Omoikane's Bum" for
being stupid, you know.
Jemu: And what about Tokyo-3? What happened to them guys back on Earth?
Evang: They can rot, for all I care.
BOS: So what's next?
Evang: Well, we're being repaired and having a break, and I'm still trying to mix in a third series into this stew.
Jemu: Is that wise? Can you handle the strain?
Evang: When has that stopped me before?
BOS: New series. Right. So which one is it going to be?
Evang: Well, I wrote the first fic to make fun of the lead guys of shows that had all the possibilities of getting laid every day but weren't taking any of them.
Jemu: I know! Let's add Dual!!
[Evang takes out a Desert Eagle and empties a clip into his partner's torso.]
BOS: What about Full Metal Panic?
Evang: What about it?
BOS: Well, it does have a love triangle involving a brown-haired super-soldier boy, a klutz of an albino captain and a green-haired sophomore school idol, both of them seemingly taken out from a hentai game I'm sure you'd played before when you were still in high school.
Jemu: (rising from the floor at the mention of the magic words) Hentai?! High school!!? Where!? Where?!
Evang: (reloads his pistol) Is it decided then? FMP?
Jemu:(wailing) But I wanted Tenchi Muyo!
BOS: Shut up. You'll vote for any show where pedophilia might be a possible
plot twist.
Jemu: But why pick Nadesico, then? Isn't Ruri a little too young to give
consent?
Evang: One, I wasn't writing lemons. Two, I'd hardly call her innocent and
naive.
BOS: So how do we get them on board?
Jemu: Abduction. We take them using a seemingly unstoppable unit, so that Mr. Sousuke Sagara will have to sortie in his Arbalest. Of course, Mr. Weber and Ms. Mao won't be far behind. As for the Tuatha De Danan, we can inflict huge damage on it to send it to drydock, thus keeping it out of the story.
Evang: (Amazed.) Wow. That's the most coherent paragraph I've ever heard you utter. Are you on drugs?
Jemu: Hakken Slash deprivation. Same effect.
BOS: OK. Returning to fanfic in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,...
************
Jemu staggers into the main lounge, looking as if he had been ambushed by a pack of bloodthirsty, mallet-wielding battle maidens. Oh wait, he has.
Jemu: (Somewhat groggy.) Yume ga asu... o yonderu... tamashii... costs 50 SP, triples the final damage dealt by an attack. (Manages to stumble to the bar.)
Kaji: You don't look so good.
Jemu: Huh?! Why are you tending bar? Where's-?
Kaji: He's watching the Gekiganger V OAV. Everybody's watching, as Gai threatened to shoot anybody who doesn't.
Jemu: So why're you here? (Accepts a glass of ice water.) Thanks.
Kaji: Easy. I told him that it was my sacred duty to tend bar. My calling, if I ever got tired of the espionage business.
Jemu: And he believed it? Sucker. (Takes a long sip.)
Kaji: So what happened to you?
Jemu: Short, painful story. Pour me a root beer and I'll tell.
Kaji: Here. (Hands over a mug of the brown, foamy liquid.)
Jemu: Thanks. It started when Akito sent me flying through walls...
The rest of the party walks into the bar, with mixed looks of delight and horror evident in their faces. Most of them head for some liquid relief and salvation.
Kaji: Excuse me, but duty calls.
Jemu: No prob. Evang! Time to decide.
Evang: OK. Let's roll dice for it. In case of a tie, BOS goes.
Jemu: Shoot! Hey, Yurika, can we borrow your hair ornaments for a while?
Yurika: You're not going to do anything... weird with them, are you?
Evang: Nah. We'll just use them to settle an argument.
Yurika: Well, in that case. (Takes one of her hair ties off.) Here.
Jemu: Grazie. Here goes! (Rolls the dice.) 4 and 2. Sheesh.
Evang: Ha! Loser! (Takes the dice and makes his own roll.) 2 and 1!? What the hell!
Jemu: Hah! I win! I get to go!
Evang: (Sighs.) A deal is a deal. Here, Yurika. Thanks. (Hands over the dice.)
Jemu: Say, Mrs. T., can I ask you for some strategic advice? I have to go out on a mission, and I want some expert opinion.
Yurika: Really? But it's Christmas!
Jemu: I do want to be back before New Year breaks, which is why I'm asking for your help. It's okay, though, if you'd rather spend more time with your family.
Lapis: Doesn't your computer with the funny name come with a strategic/tactics chip?
Jemu: Hear that, BOS? Lapis thinks you're funny.
BOS: And I think she's a Ruri stand-in, which isn't really needed now that we have two of them on board!
Lapis: Baka no computer. Pyo.
BOS: Case in point, gema.
Evang: Wait a minute. (Accesses a console and searches BOS's data banks.) Aha! This is what's causing all this looniness! (Points to the Downloads folder and opens it, revealing...) Di Gi Charat! All episodes, plus the Summer Special!
BOS: Is that what it was, gema? I wonder who downloaded it, gema.
Jemu: I am a rock. Rocks cannot speak and are unnoticeable. It is nice to be a rock.
Evang: Keep that up and I'll have BOS go on the mission. (Grabs a megaphone.) Calling all strategy-type people in the room. I am requesting the honor of your collective presence in the War Room in T-minus 60 minutes. Attendance is not mandatory. Thank you.
One hour later, in the newly furnished, fresh from hammerspace War Room...
Evang: Looks like we won't get our talented team of strategists after all.
Jemu: Um. Yurika says she can't make it on account of taking care of her three daughters. At least Uri-P is agreeable.
Evang: Just like a kid in toy store.
Jemu: Whatever possessed you to summon the ten-year old version of Ruri?
Evang: Nothing. I just wanted more looniness on board.
The doors slide open to admit Aoi Jun into the War Room.
Jun: Hey, guys. Can I sit in? If you don't mind, that is.
Evang: Mind? Heck, no! In fact, we were just looking for a brilliant mind to squeeze strategy from.
Jemu: Then you walked in.
Jun: Um, thanks, I guess. Be glad to be of help.
Evang: (Stage whisper.) Not unlike in the whole Nadesico universe.
Jemu: Okay. We want this guy to come to us. Only he won't come peaceful-like.
Evang: We know his weakness: he's got a couple of onna that he'd gladly risk losing his life just to save them.
Jemu: He also has this kick-ass piece of hardware that makes distortion fields look like a big joke. Them things can also go invisible.
Evang: He also has a German sniper and a Chinese Amazon for best friends, and they're not shabby pilots either.
Jemu: Our plan is to kidnap his girlfriends, and hold them hostage.
Jun: Wait a minute! What or who is this guy anyway?
Evang: He's the best soldier of this self-appointed arny of justice that
supposedly destroys terrorists all over the world.
Jemu: He's also the only one that can pilot the big, bad mecha we were talking about a while back.
Jun: And we, excuse me, you want on your leash because...?
Evang: Let's say he isn't what you would call a full deck of cards, and woe to the world if he goes ballistic.
Jun: I'm not sure having him controlled by you is much safer for the world.
The doors make a whooshing sound as it opens. Misato walks in, along with Ai and Ritsuko.
Misato: Sorry we're late. Things got pretty chaotic back there.
Ai: (Nodding.) Whoever thought that ten and eleven year-olds had so much angst in them.
Ritsuko: (Noting the blank expressions on the three males' faces.) Captain
Hoshino's little sisters had a kittenfight, and the rest of those drunken louts watched as their parents pulled them apart.
Ai: They might have taken their cue from their onee-chan, as she and that blue-haired girl started trading insults.
Ritsuko: Served her right. Little bitch. Good thing I flushed the rest of her sisters down the toilet when I had the chance. (Smiles fondly at the memory.)
The three men cringe in terror at the doctor's words and expression.
Misato: Don't let us stop you gentlemen. Continue.
Jemu: Anyway, here's a list of all available units here in the SpaceBar.(Snaps his fingers and a window appears, displaying said units.)
Evang: Jemu will sortie in the Terra Walker. (As he says this, a holographic display of the unit appears beside the list.
Jun: Can your unit handle a distortion tackle head-on?
Jemu: We're not sure. All I know is that I'm going to be dropped into a hot LZ and take the first objective, radio for extraction, proceed to second the second objective and head back.
Misato: Dropped? If the way your unit flattened the Angel by just landing on it was any indication, you'd need something really huge to airdrop this Terra Walker of yours.
Ai: And Boson jumping something that huge in quick succession is out of the
question.
Ritsuko: Is a land approach out of the question? If it isn't EVA Units 01 and 02 can provide ample protection.
Misato: And have a jetload of U.N. investigators knocking on our doorstep and demanding what the hell we were doing?
Jemu: She's right. Although we might need the AT Fields, NERV's involvement in this project must remain unknown or unsuspectable.
Evang: Besides, two EVAs can't cover all angles of attack against something as large as the Terra Walker.
Jun: So you drop in, extract the VIP, and get out?
Jemu: Yeah, that about sums it up.
Misato: If so, you will also need to protect the getaway vehicle.
Ai: A Distortion Block can be mounted on your unit and the carrier. The real problem is finding a carrier that can fly undetected while carrying all that weight.
Ritsuko: The carrier will have to be large enough to carry Units 01 and 02,
your Terra Walker, and an engine powerful enough to provide sufficient lift
and power a Distortion Block at the same time.
Jun: Do you have such a vehicle on board your station?
Evang: (Turns to Jemu.) Do we?
Jemu: BOS, do we?
Silence greets his question.
Jemu: I guess we'll have to look for ourselves.
Evang: What is the computer doing anyway? (Starts typing on his console.)
Ai: Have you heard the one about the chemist, the mechanic, and the computer wiz who went on a road trip?
Jemu: No. But you're going to tell us, right?
Ai: The chemist, the mechanic, and the computer wiz went on a road trip in a bus that the mechanic hotwired. Unfortunately for them, the bus had a faulty air-conditioning unit that kept on breaking down, no matter what the mechanic did.
Seiya: Stupid mechanic. He's a disgrace to the profession.
Evang: Kyaa! Where did you come from!?
Seiya: I walked in. The sign outside said "Sit-ins accepted." So I went in.
Ritsuko: Anyway, Ai, go on with your story.
Ai: Where was I? Oh, yes. Noontime came, and not wanting to be baked alive,
they resorted no natural ventilation and cooling. All was well, until the
engine died all of a sudden.
Seiya: If this mechanic can't solve this problem, he's really worthless.
Ai: So the three went down to see what was happening. The mechanic opened the hood, took a look around and said that there was nothing wrong with the engine.
Seiya: He's worthless, all right. No doubt about it.
Misato: So what did the chemist do?
Ai: The chemist checked the battery, and said that it was in prime condition. So the computer wiz walked around the bus, and said "We're all idiots! No wonder this old unit hung up on us!"
Ritsuko: And the punchline is...
Ai: "We've got too many windows open!"
Everybody groans at this.
BOS: Incoming Reality Check(TM) call.
Jemu: I'll take it. (Speaks into a handset which suddenly pops into existence.) Hello?
???: I'd just like to know what you intend to do with the extra Ruri. Do you have like, plans to make her a permanent crew member?
Jemu: No, none that hasn't been discussed yet. Why?
???: Can I have her?! Please!
Jemu: NO!!!! (Terminates the call.) Bloody pedophiles.
The handset rings and nearly jumps out of Jemu's hand a scant second later.
Jemu: YES?
???: Why don't you pull off the same stunt twice, hell, three times with Akito the pre-POD version? You could give one away to Megumi, one to Ryoko, and well, maybe one to Ruri. Or maybe even to me! Hey, that's not a bad idea---
Jemu curses and crushes the handset with his right hand.
Evang: Yeah, why don't we just use hammerspace to pull in the hentai-game
lovey-dovey triangle and skip this abduction thing?
Jemu: Because we'd miss out on a lot of good action, and besides, I want to be a bad guy for once. How did your inventory search go?
Evang: We're in luck. We can "borrow" an Orcom Transport from somewhere else. Or we could repair, refit and re-crew an Arbitrator Battle Command Vessel and do it really cheesy-like.
Jun: Cheese sounds good. How does this plan work out?
Ai: Mr. By-The-Book Officer, going for cheesy?
Jun: Hey, don't you think taking on the latest in mobile power armor tech with an antique isn't cheesy?
Jemu: And let's not get into the other lines you spouted during that episode.
Seiya: You were saying about refitting a vessel?
Evang: Here's how it works. The Arbitrator can warp light and sound around it to a certain extent. We can have a couple of EVAs walking underneath it during broad daylight and people will never hear or see a thing.
Misato: It sounds too good to be true. What's the catch?
Evang: For some odd reason that hasn't been researched yet, the material that the Arbitrator is made of is immune to this warping effect.
Ritsuko: Meaning that this Arbitrator will be visible while the units near it are not. (Sigh.) I suppose it's too much to hope that it's camouflaged to blend in with the sky.
Jemu: Here's a picture of the thing. (Presses a button and an image of a gold ship, with blue highlights appears.)
Misato: Tacky. Whoever was in charge of the aesthethics of this thing should be blindfolded and shot in the back.
Jun: Assuming we'll use this thing, we can have ample protection and at the
same time "secrecy" by having at least one Evangelion walking under it. The
Terra Walker can extract the VIPs and take cover within the warp field while the EVA protects the ship.
Seiya: An awesome chance to see new technology in action! Let's do it!
Meanwhile, in the hangar, where Aestivalis face-off against Evangelions, a masked figure stands facing a cage set apart from the rest. He gazes at the huge tank with legs, a claw and a cannon arm. He marvels at the sheer ability of such low level of technology to go toe-to-toe with an Angel. He smiles, and then vanishes from sight.
Exactly one minute later, the Spacebar is rocked by a huge explosions and plummets down to the streets of Tokyo-3, fire and smoke roaring out from one of its sides.
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: The anime characters and series mentioned in this little piece of litter-rature don't belong to me. Also, the Moulin Rouge isn't part of my statement of assets and liabilities either. Only Jemu, Evang, and BOS are belong to me.
The Angels have been driven off. For now. Peace now reigns once more on
everybody's favorite location for crossovers, the interdimensional video
arcade and drinking joint...
Evang: Fly me to the moon, and let me play, among the stars...
Jemu: Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars...
Akito: Spring? What spring? It's always bloody temperate in Mars! No snow
whatsoever! (Takes a swig of beer from his can and grimaces.)
Shinji: This from a guy who spent his early days in a huge terrarium.
... eh heh, and not to mention videoke bar, the SpaceBar.
Akatsuki: So, what the hell where those things?
Asuka: Those were Angels. We get them on a regular basis on Tokyo-3. About
once a week, but this is the first time they attacked en masse.
Ryoko: One of those monstrosities every week!? I don't believe it! You and
your team must be very good.
Asuka: Of course! Would you expect no less from the great Souryu Asuka Langley?
Hikaru: It must be stressful to expect such disasters every week.
Rei: At least they aren't Huge Radioactive Mutant Lizards (TM).
Everyone on the table turns to stare at Rei.
Rei: Sorry. Been watching old movies while I was recuperating. They had this Gojira marathon and... (Starts rambling on and on about the Huge Radioactive Mutant Lizard we all know and love.)
Everybody is still staring at Rei, all openmouthed.
Izumi: At least all your lizard does is stomp around your city and exhale blue or green radiation. Our Lizards have this annoying tendency to jump around all over the battlefield. (Strums her little guitar and ducks a can thrown at her.)
Minato: (on another table) Tsukurou, dear, calm down. It isn't good for your heart to get angry all to easily, remember?
Yukina: Giving him only four hours of sleep every night for the past two days isn't helping him either.
Minato had the grace to blush. Aoi Jun chokes on a handful of peanuts and begins choking. Grinning, Yukina pounds him on his back, keeping in count with "The Little Drummer Boy."
Evang: So, tell me, Akito, were all those hentai dojinshi of you doing almost every female on board the Nadesico-A real? How does your family feel about them?
Jemu: Do they even know about them indecent, sleazy stories? And on those long and lonely nights in space during POD, did you ever look at Lapis other than in a fatherly or brotherly way?
Akito: (Grips his beer tightly in one hand.) GEKIGAN FLARE!
The assistant bartender flies through the wine collection and through lots of walls as well.
Shinji: Wow. Just like an episode of Serpent Orb Y.
Evang: So, Shinji, where are your friends?
Shinji: Maybe they're in the Wreck Room.
Evang: And why aren't you sitting with your adoring, adorable, living, psychologically unbalanced love dolls?
Shinji: You want psychologically imbalanced?! (Leaps over the bar and proceeds to get Evangelic on the bartender's behind.)
As his partner is getting trounced Eva-style, Jemu flies through his last wall and crashes onto the room's floor.
Jemu: (Gets up on his feet and takes a good look around.) Geez, this room is reeking of talcum powder and the scent of compact powder... uh, oh.
Ai: And very soon, of pervert blood.
Ritsuko: I'll give you three guesses to where you are right now, and-
Jemu: Yeah, yeah, the first two don't count. Women's dressing room, right?
Misato: (Sarcastic.) Gee, I wonder what gave it all away. Oh, it must be all of us each in some stage of partial undress.
Ruri: Baka baka.
Lapis: He-n-ta-i.
Misato, Ai, Yurika, Ritsuko, and Megumi nod in agreement. Interdimensional Mallets appear in their hands, set to Maximum Pain, Long Time Dying.
Jemu: (3 seconds away from receiving mortal pain.) BOS, mind tap and broadcast please. I want to make some people die before it all fades to black. Up to the last 2 minutes of my arrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Back in the Main Lounge, Kaji and Gai are restraining a raving Shinji. Oh,did I mention barely restrained?
Shinji: DIE, ZERUEL, DIE! YOUR SPLEEN IS MINE! MINE! TASTY PRECIOUSSSS!!
Evang: Get him away from me! Aaiiiieeeee!!
Gai: Shinji! Stop this madness!
Kaji: Daigouji's right! You don't know where he's been or what he has been
eating for the past few episodes!
Shinji: NO! MUST EAT, MY PRECIOUS!!
Evang: No!!! I don't bend that way, man!! Now, if you were a girl... aha!
Gai: This is no time for your sick, depraved perversions, you jerk!
Evang: (Ignoring the insult.) Rei! Asuka! I need your help! Please? Please??
Pretty please? I'll even join the "Stop Asuka and Rei Yuri Stories" org if
you get Shinji to stop! Okay?
Asuka: I'm considering it.
Rei: I'm not.
Evang: (Dodging Shinji's lunge, which sends Shinji crashing into a table and some chairs.) I'll even make a website for each of you! The World's Greatest Souryu Asuka Langley Temple! And the Mother of All (Female Albino Cuties)!
Rei: (Sighing.) It's a little on the thin side, but I'll do it.
Asuka: Okay, Rei-chan. You do it, I'll do him.
Both female pilots exchange salacious grins as Shinji extricates himself
from the debris. Suddenly, the room temperature rises about 5 degrees higher and weird, daydream-type lighting effects begin.
Evang: More like caberet atmosphere, engaged. (Rolls under a table and sticks his head out to watch the action.)
Rei and Asuka slowly walk toward Shinji, who is still crouched like a wild animal ready to fight and die, giving the Moulin Rouge chicks a run for their money. They stop two meters away from Shinji.
Asuka: (bends down to level her mammary assets with Shinji's gaze) Come, here, Shinji-boy. Don't be shy.
Rei: (Crosses her arms on her chest causing her, um, well you know what does happen when a girl crosses her arms on her chest, right?) You've been very, oh so very naughty.
Shinji: Hisssssss. (Looks from one girl to the other, as if to determine which one to pounce on first.)
Asuka: Can't decide which one of us to take first? Let me make it easier for you, sweet thing. (Walks around the shorter girl and wraps her arms around Rei's flat stomach, and nuzzling Rei's neck.)
Shinji doesn't know what's going on, but he realizes that he can now take both threats out in one move. He takes the opportunity and leaps at the girls.
Rei: Now!!!
Insert stock anime/cartoon fight cloud scene here. Pull out all stops on the effects, with each fighter's clothing getting more and more shredded each time they can be seen. After one minute the fight stops and the dust clears.
Shinji is trussed up like a sacrificial lamb with strips of cloth ripped
straight off from Asuka's yellow dress and Rei's school uniform.
Fanboys: SWEEEEEEET!! (They nosebleed and faint, a smile on their faces.)
Evang: SWEEEEEEET!!! (He nosebleeds and faints, a lecherous grin on his face.)
Misato: (Stepping in.) Eh? What's going in here? (Takes a look at the Three
Children.) Were you three fighting again?
Ritsuko: No, it's really rough foreplay. Of course they were! They probably
beat the hell out of Shinji `cause he probably didn't want to have sex with
them again.
Ai: (Smiling.) Maybe his psychologist ought to be tied to a pole and tickled with feathers for doing such a lousy job with him.
Ritsuko: Don't blame me. You'd be screwed up too, if you were making out with someone who smells like your mother, looks like your mother, and is actually cloned from your mother.
Yurika covers Lapis Lazuli's ears.
Yurika: Excuse me, but there are children here.
Izumi: (From the pilots' table.) Of course we do. Those are the Three Children over there.
Megumi: (Spying an unconscious form under a table.) Hey, who's that?
BOS: Oh, it's just the good master, who fainted due to normal masculine blood flow problem. Nothing to worry about. Except for brain damage. Okay, the dang cabaret's closed.
The lights return to normal. We now see that Yurika is in a rabbit, or I
should say a red bunny outfit, while Ruri is filling out her catsuit rather
nicely. No, not that kind of catsuit, the one with the big bell and ears!
Megumi, Ai, Misato and Ritusko are dressed as they usually are when at work. Lapis has a panda hat, and is holding something in her hand, which captures Akito's attention.
Akito: Lapis, why are you playing with Yurika's underwear? Not that I mind but, isn't that her tiger/leopard bikini top?
Lapis: No. It's something for Yukina-san.
Yurika: Akito no baka! (Hurls a mallet at him, which he dodged, having been
expecting it.)
Yukina: Really? For me? Oh, excuse me. (Stands up and makes her way to the
newcomers.) Oh, it's a hair band! With ears!?
Yurika: (Smiling.) Come on, try it! I know you'll look cute in it.
Meanwhile, Asuka is trying a new method of waking up unconscious people: by kicking them in the solar plexus.
Evang: Gyarrrrrgh! (Clutches his chest, and starts breathing heavily and painfully.)
Asuka: Good. You're awake. We've done as you wanted, and even gave you a free show.
Rei: Along with some other perverted fanboys. So I figure you owe us more than the stuff you promised earlier.
Asuka: Yeah! If we wanted websites done for us, we'd just let Kensuke take a picture of us with our skirts being tossed by the wind.
Rei: (Nodding.) Or a picture of us now in our underwear-exposing tattered
clothing.
In the Wreck Room...
Kensuke: Haa-ah-chooo!
Touji: Hey, are you OK?
Kensuke: It's weird, dude. I feel like I should be having a nosebleed now, or something. Maybe someone's talking about me, is all.
Touji: Well, if you feel like getting a nosebleed while playing that (points to the Robomanzer console that Kensuke is parked in front of) I shall be very tempted to not consider you my friend anymore.
Women's Dressing Room...
Jemu: BOS?
BOS: Yes, sir?
Jemu: Did you broadcast my request?
BOS: I sure did. On frequency 54167654.
Jemu: Oh, crap.
BOS: I beg your pardon?
Jemu: BOS, that was- is- the Galaxy's Funniest Media channel.
BOS: Oh.
Jemu: OH?!! That's all you can say?
BOS: Alright. I hope we win the 50,000,000 credit first prize for this month.
Back in the Main Lounge...
Evang: Just curious, but what are you going to do with Shinji now that he's
tied up and immobile?
Rei: Same thing we always do when we get Shinji in a corner. (Smiles in her
Ayanami Rei manner.)
Evang: And that would be...?
Asuka: Ah, ah. (Wags her index finger in front of Evang's face.) Remember, no lemons.
Evang: (Notices the look of sudden fear, nay of absolute terror that crosses Shinji's face.) Let me guess, you're going to drain his life force in a way that pleases all three of you very much, right?
Asuka: For a bartender, you sure do catch up very quickly.
Evang: Haven't you heard? Bartending is now a Ph. D. job. (Leans down and
removes Shinji's gag.) Any last words, Ikari-kun?
Shinji: If I say I'm sorry, would you let me out of this predicament?
Evang: Let's see. (Considers the matter for all of 2 seconds.) No.
Minato: Ruriruri, is there any reason for your dressing up like some cute XD characters from a show with no plot?
Ruri: Not really. Yurika just thought it would be nice and fun to do so. Don't people do strange things during holidays?
Jun: Please don't think badly of me, but I think the maid-in-a-catsuit would look better on a smaller, younger girl. Seeing it on a teenager, well... oh, Yukina, no, don't get angry, I...
Yukina: Jun no baka! EYE-BEAM!!! (Beams come out of Yukina's eyes and turn our poor Aoi Jun to Kuroi Jun, who crumbles into a pile of ash.)
Akatsuki: That's weird.
Ryoko: You could probably say that of this whole fanfic.
Akatsuki: I suddenly have this weird urge to lift Yukina into the air, gaze at her while spewing all sorts of weird pick-up lines. Say, Tsukurou?
Tsukurou: (Frowning at the Nergal prez.) What?
Akatsuki: Your sister isn't for sale, is she?
Tsukurou: (Draws himself to his full height.) Prepare to taste my fists of
holy rage!
Minato: Tsukurou! Your heart-
Tsukurou: Is burning with righteous indignation and brotherly protectiveness!
(He leaps at the pilots' table to get to Akatsuki. Another scuffle ensues.)
Hikaru: Look! Ken and Joe are fighting again!
Evang: (Pouring water over Jun's ashes.) I think Jun is right. Ruri's costume is rather provocative to all sorts of sickos. So, I have the perfect solution. (Walks over to the Author's Omnipotent Hammerspace Device and opens it.) You can come in now, little one. They're all waiting for you, Princess.
Everybody stares as Evang escorts a familiar little albino girl with pale purple hair into the room.
Everybody: Why, it's-
Ruri: Me from five or six years ago, right?
Hikaru: Two Ruris? Isn't this going to be a little bit confusing?
Gai: As if one wasn't unnerving enough.
Kaji: I suppose we could call Captain Hoshino as Big Ruri, and the younger one as Little Ruri.
Izumi: You mean we'd address the winner of the Miss Nadesico contest as (drumroll) "Ruri-ko"?
Everybody is flabbergasted, except for Capt. Hoshino, who also turns Izumi into ash.
Ruri: Any other wiseguys out here? (Silence.) That's good, nyo.
****ATTENTION EVERYBODY****
The author would like to take a reality check and see where he really wants this episode to go to. Sorry for the succeeding exchange between the author's characters. Thank you.
***************************
Jemu: We're halfway through the episode and what have we done?
BOS: Other than getting both of you beaten up, nothing.
Evang: Wait! I'm just building up the boredom so that the readers won't know that something has just changed!
Jemu: Isn't that a bad thing?
BOS: And what's with the Di Gi Charat cosplay going on back there?
Evang: Ah, so you noticed!
BOS: I didn't get the title "The Computer that Whupped Omoikane's Bum" for
being stupid, you know.
Jemu: And what about Tokyo-3? What happened to them guys back on Earth?
Evang: They can rot, for all I care.
BOS: So what's next?
Evang: Well, we're being repaired and having a break, and I'm still trying to mix in a third series into this stew.
Jemu: Is that wise? Can you handle the strain?
Evang: When has that stopped me before?
BOS: New series. Right. So which one is it going to be?
Evang: Well, I wrote the first fic to make fun of the lead guys of shows that had all the possibilities of getting laid every day but weren't taking any of them.
Jemu: I know! Let's add Dual!!
[Evang takes out a Desert Eagle and empties a clip into his partner's torso.]
BOS: What about Full Metal Panic?
Evang: What about it?
BOS: Well, it does have a love triangle involving a brown-haired super-soldier boy, a klutz of an albino captain and a green-haired sophomore school idol, both of them seemingly taken out from a hentai game I'm sure you'd played before when you were still in high school.
Jemu: (rising from the floor at the mention of the magic words) Hentai?! High school!!? Where!? Where?!
Evang: (reloads his pistol) Is it decided then? FMP?
Jemu:(wailing) But I wanted Tenchi Muyo!
BOS: Shut up. You'll vote for any show where pedophilia might be a possible
plot twist.
Jemu: But why pick Nadesico, then? Isn't Ruri a little too young to give
consent?
Evang: One, I wasn't writing lemons. Two, I'd hardly call her innocent and
naive.
BOS: So how do we get them on board?
Jemu: Abduction. We take them using a seemingly unstoppable unit, so that Mr. Sousuke Sagara will have to sortie in his Arbalest. Of course, Mr. Weber and Ms. Mao won't be far behind. As for the Tuatha De Danan, we can inflict huge damage on it to send it to drydock, thus keeping it out of the story.
Evang: (Amazed.) Wow. That's the most coherent paragraph I've ever heard you utter. Are you on drugs?
Jemu: Hakken Slash deprivation. Same effect.
BOS: OK. Returning to fanfic in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,...
************
Jemu staggers into the main lounge, looking as if he had been ambushed by a pack of bloodthirsty, mallet-wielding battle maidens. Oh wait, he has.
Jemu: (Somewhat groggy.) Yume ga asu... o yonderu... tamashii... costs 50 SP, triples the final damage dealt by an attack. (Manages to stumble to the bar.)
Kaji: You don't look so good.
Jemu: Huh?! Why are you tending bar? Where's-?
Kaji: He's watching the Gekiganger V OAV. Everybody's watching, as Gai threatened to shoot anybody who doesn't.
Jemu: So why're you here? (Accepts a glass of ice water.) Thanks.
Kaji: Easy. I told him that it was my sacred duty to tend bar. My calling, if I ever got tired of the espionage business.
Jemu: And he believed it? Sucker. (Takes a long sip.)
Kaji: So what happened to you?
Jemu: Short, painful story. Pour me a root beer and I'll tell.
Kaji: Here. (Hands over a mug of the brown, foamy liquid.)
Jemu: Thanks. It started when Akito sent me flying through walls...
The rest of the party walks into the bar, with mixed looks of delight and horror evident in their faces. Most of them head for some liquid relief and salvation.
Kaji: Excuse me, but duty calls.
Jemu: No prob. Evang! Time to decide.
Evang: OK. Let's roll dice for it. In case of a tie, BOS goes.
Jemu: Shoot! Hey, Yurika, can we borrow your hair ornaments for a while?
Yurika: You're not going to do anything... weird with them, are you?
Evang: Nah. We'll just use them to settle an argument.
Yurika: Well, in that case. (Takes one of her hair ties off.) Here.
Jemu: Grazie. Here goes! (Rolls the dice.) 4 and 2. Sheesh.
Evang: Ha! Loser! (Takes the dice and makes his own roll.) 2 and 1!? What the hell!
Jemu: Hah! I win! I get to go!
Evang: (Sighs.) A deal is a deal. Here, Yurika. Thanks. (Hands over the dice.)
Jemu: Say, Mrs. T., can I ask you for some strategic advice? I have to go out on a mission, and I want some expert opinion.
Yurika: Really? But it's Christmas!
Jemu: I do want to be back before New Year breaks, which is why I'm asking for your help. It's okay, though, if you'd rather spend more time with your family.
Lapis: Doesn't your computer with the funny name come with a strategic/tactics chip?
Jemu: Hear that, BOS? Lapis thinks you're funny.
BOS: And I think she's a Ruri stand-in, which isn't really needed now that we have two of them on board!
Lapis: Baka no computer. Pyo.
BOS: Case in point, gema.
Evang: Wait a minute. (Accesses a console and searches BOS's data banks.) Aha! This is what's causing all this looniness! (Points to the Downloads folder and opens it, revealing...) Di Gi Charat! All episodes, plus the Summer Special!
BOS: Is that what it was, gema? I wonder who downloaded it, gema.
Jemu: I am a rock. Rocks cannot speak and are unnoticeable. It is nice to be a rock.
Evang: Keep that up and I'll have BOS go on the mission. (Grabs a megaphone.) Calling all strategy-type people in the room. I am requesting the honor of your collective presence in the War Room in T-minus 60 minutes. Attendance is not mandatory. Thank you.
One hour later, in the newly furnished, fresh from hammerspace War Room...
Evang: Looks like we won't get our talented team of strategists after all.
Jemu: Um. Yurika says she can't make it on account of taking care of her three daughters. At least Uri-P is agreeable.
Evang: Just like a kid in toy store.
Jemu: Whatever possessed you to summon the ten-year old version of Ruri?
Evang: Nothing. I just wanted more looniness on board.
The doors slide open to admit Aoi Jun into the War Room.
Jun: Hey, guys. Can I sit in? If you don't mind, that is.
Evang: Mind? Heck, no! In fact, we were just looking for a brilliant mind to squeeze strategy from.
Jemu: Then you walked in.
Jun: Um, thanks, I guess. Be glad to be of help.
Evang: (Stage whisper.) Not unlike in the whole Nadesico universe.
Jemu: Okay. We want this guy to come to us. Only he won't come peaceful-like.
Evang: We know his weakness: he's got a couple of onna that he'd gladly risk losing his life just to save them.
Jemu: He also has this kick-ass piece of hardware that makes distortion fields look like a big joke. Them things can also go invisible.
Evang: He also has a German sniper and a Chinese Amazon for best friends, and they're not shabby pilots either.
Jemu: Our plan is to kidnap his girlfriends, and hold them hostage.
Jun: Wait a minute! What or who is this guy anyway?
Evang: He's the best soldier of this self-appointed arny of justice that
supposedly destroys terrorists all over the world.
Jemu: He's also the only one that can pilot the big, bad mecha we were talking about a while back.
Jun: And we, excuse me, you want on your leash because...?
Evang: Let's say he isn't what you would call a full deck of cards, and woe to the world if he goes ballistic.
Jun: I'm not sure having him controlled by you is much safer for the world.
The doors make a whooshing sound as it opens. Misato walks in, along with Ai and Ritsuko.
Misato: Sorry we're late. Things got pretty chaotic back there.
Ai: (Nodding.) Whoever thought that ten and eleven year-olds had so much angst in them.
Ritsuko: (Noting the blank expressions on the three males' faces.) Captain
Hoshino's little sisters had a kittenfight, and the rest of those drunken louts watched as their parents pulled them apart.
Ai: They might have taken their cue from their onee-chan, as she and that blue-haired girl started trading insults.
Ritsuko: Served her right. Little bitch. Good thing I flushed the rest of her sisters down the toilet when I had the chance. (Smiles fondly at the memory.)
The three men cringe in terror at the doctor's words and expression.
Misato: Don't let us stop you gentlemen. Continue.
Jemu: Anyway, here's a list of all available units here in the SpaceBar.(Snaps his fingers and a window appears, displaying said units.)
Evang: Jemu will sortie in the Terra Walker. (As he says this, a holographic display of the unit appears beside the list.
Jun: Can your unit handle a distortion tackle head-on?
Jemu: We're not sure. All I know is that I'm going to be dropped into a hot LZ and take the first objective, radio for extraction, proceed to second the second objective and head back.
Misato: Dropped? If the way your unit flattened the Angel by just landing on it was any indication, you'd need something really huge to airdrop this Terra Walker of yours.
Ai: And Boson jumping something that huge in quick succession is out of the
question.
Ritsuko: Is a land approach out of the question? If it isn't EVA Units 01 and 02 can provide ample protection.
Misato: And have a jetload of U.N. investigators knocking on our doorstep and demanding what the hell we were doing?
Jemu: She's right. Although we might need the AT Fields, NERV's involvement in this project must remain unknown or unsuspectable.
Evang: Besides, two EVAs can't cover all angles of attack against something as large as the Terra Walker.
Jun: So you drop in, extract the VIP, and get out?
Jemu: Yeah, that about sums it up.
Misato: If so, you will also need to protect the getaway vehicle.
Ai: A Distortion Block can be mounted on your unit and the carrier. The real problem is finding a carrier that can fly undetected while carrying all that weight.
Ritsuko: The carrier will have to be large enough to carry Units 01 and 02,
your Terra Walker, and an engine powerful enough to provide sufficient lift
and power a Distortion Block at the same time.
Jun: Do you have such a vehicle on board your station?
Evang: (Turns to Jemu.) Do we?
Jemu: BOS, do we?
Silence greets his question.
Jemu: I guess we'll have to look for ourselves.
Evang: What is the computer doing anyway? (Starts typing on his console.)
Ai: Have you heard the one about the chemist, the mechanic, and the computer wiz who went on a road trip?
Jemu: No. But you're going to tell us, right?
Ai: The chemist, the mechanic, and the computer wiz went on a road trip in a bus that the mechanic hotwired. Unfortunately for them, the bus had a faulty air-conditioning unit that kept on breaking down, no matter what the mechanic did.
Seiya: Stupid mechanic. He's a disgrace to the profession.
Evang: Kyaa! Where did you come from!?
Seiya: I walked in. The sign outside said "Sit-ins accepted." So I went in.
Ritsuko: Anyway, Ai, go on with your story.
Ai: Where was I? Oh, yes. Noontime came, and not wanting to be baked alive,
they resorted no natural ventilation and cooling. All was well, until the
engine died all of a sudden.
Seiya: If this mechanic can't solve this problem, he's really worthless.
Ai: So the three went down to see what was happening. The mechanic opened the hood, took a look around and said that there was nothing wrong with the engine.
Seiya: He's worthless, all right. No doubt about it.
Misato: So what did the chemist do?
Ai: The chemist checked the battery, and said that it was in prime condition. So the computer wiz walked around the bus, and said "We're all idiots! No wonder this old unit hung up on us!"
Ritsuko: And the punchline is...
Ai: "We've got too many windows open!"
Everybody groans at this.
BOS: Incoming Reality Check(TM) call.
Jemu: I'll take it. (Speaks into a handset which suddenly pops into existence.) Hello?
???: I'd just like to know what you intend to do with the extra Ruri. Do you have like, plans to make her a permanent crew member?
Jemu: No, none that hasn't been discussed yet. Why?
???: Can I have her?! Please!
Jemu: NO!!!! (Terminates the call.) Bloody pedophiles.
The handset rings and nearly jumps out of Jemu's hand a scant second later.
Jemu: YES?
???: Why don't you pull off the same stunt twice, hell, three times with Akito the pre-POD version? You could give one away to Megumi, one to Ryoko, and well, maybe one to Ruri. Or maybe even to me! Hey, that's not a bad idea---
Jemu curses and crushes the handset with his right hand.
Evang: Yeah, why don't we just use hammerspace to pull in the hentai-game
lovey-dovey triangle and skip this abduction thing?
Jemu: Because we'd miss out on a lot of good action, and besides, I want to be a bad guy for once. How did your inventory search go?
Evang: We're in luck. We can "borrow" an Orcom Transport from somewhere else. Or we could repair, refit and re-crew an Arbitrator Battle Command Vessel and do it really cheesy-like.
Jun: Cheese sounds good. How does this plan work out?
Ai: Mr. By-The-Book Officer, going for cheesy?
Jun: Hey, don't you think taking on the latest in mobile power armor tech with an antique isn't cheesy?
Jemu: And let's not get into the other lines you spouted during that episode.
Seiya: You were saying about refitting a vessel?
Evang: Here's how it works. The Arbitrator can warp light and sound around it to a certain extent. We can have a couple of EVAs walking underneath it during broad daylight and people will never hear or see a thing.
Misato: It sounds too good to be true. What's the catch?
Evang: For some odd reason that hasn't been researched yet, the material that the Arbitrator is made of is immune to this warping effect.
Ritsuko: Meaning that this Arbitrator will be visible while the units near it are not. (Sigh.) I suppose it's too much to hope that it's camouflaged to blend in with the sky.
Jemu: Here's a picture of the thing. (Presses a button and an image of a gold ship, with blue highlights appears.)
Misato: Tacky. Whoever was in charge of the aesthethics of this thing should be blindfolded and shot in the back.
Jun: Assuming we'll use this thing, we can have ample protection and at the
same time "secrecy" by having at least one Evangelion walking under it. The
Terra Walker can extract the VIPs and take cover within the warp field while the EVA protects the ship.
Seiya: An awesome chance to see new technology in action! Let's do it!
Meanwhile, in the hangar, where Aestivalis face-off against Evangelions, a masked figure stands facing a cage set apart from the rest. He gazes at the huge tank with legs, a claw and a cannon arm. He marvels at the sheer ability of such low level of technology to go toe-to-toe with an Angel. He smiles, and then vanishes from sight.
Exactly one minute later, the Spacebar is rocked by a huge explosions and plummets down to the streets of Tokyo-3, fire and smoke roaring out from one of its sides.