SpaceBar Adventures 8: Minor Setbacks
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: The anime characters and series mentioned in this little piece of litter-rature don't belong to me. Only Jemu, Evang, and BOS are belong to me. (Yes, that was intentional.)
Tokyo-3 is a fairly active city. Its streets are traversed everyday by
pedestrians and vehicles alike. The scene is always like this, barring the
occasional emergency evacuations that happen so often. During those times,
the streets are dead. Usually, after the evacuees return, they are greeted by the sight of wasted buildings and shattered streets. Today however, a new one greets them. {Camera zooms to take in the burning SpaceBar.}
Evang: Damage report!
BOS: Engines are very severly damaged. Life support is also slightly damaged, but since we're on a habitable planet, I guess that's nothing to worry `bout.
Misato: (Rising to her feet.) What the hell happened?
BOS: The area of greatest damage seems to be around the hangar area.
Seiya: NNNNOOOOOOOO!!! My beautiful mecha!!! (Dashes out of the room.)
BOS: Hammerspace power is down. We will be unable to do our cool time-space
twisting special effects for quite a while.
Jemu: Bummer. (Shakes his head to clear it.) Dr. Akagi, Dr. Fressange, are you alright?! No, don't move, Dr. Akagi, you're bleeding. (Administers first aid to Ritsuko.)
Ritsuko: (In a groggy voice.) Oooh, who spiked the cappucino?
BOS: Please remain calm until further notice. We do not have engine power, so we'll be earthbound for a while.
Akito: Kids? Where are you? (Glances around frantically.)
Yurika: Oh, Akito, you're bleeding! (Rushes to him, but is kept at bay.)
Akito: Where are the girls?
Ryoko: Over here, Tenkawa.
Akito turns to look at Ryoko, who is holding the 10-year old version of
Ruri. The older one is holding Lapis, and is currently sitting on a bemused
Akatsuki Nagare. Just in case you perverts are wondering, Akatsuki is face
down on the floor.
Ruri: (Teenager.) We're okay, mom, dad. I'm not sure about the rest of the people here, though.
Hikaru: I think I'm okay. So is Ryoko, and Izumi is... well, Izumi.
Kaji: (Getting up from behind the bar.) BOS? Where are the kids from Tokyo-3?
BOS: Kensuke and Touji are in the Wreck Room. For some odd reason, the Wreck Room seems to have escaped damage. The first Three Children as of now are curled up in a tight ball in a bedroom somewhere in hammerspace. They also are unharmed.
Akatsuki: Excuse me, can I breathe now?
Ruri: Oh, sorry, Akatsuki-san. (Moves herself and her 'sister' off of his back.)
Akatsuki: And what about the other characters from my show?
BOS: Your show?
Tsukurou: Your show?
Ryoko, Izumi, Hikaru, Minato: YOUR SHOW!!???
Akatsuki: Alright, my co-workers?
BOS: All of them are safe and sound. You needn't worry about them. What's the matter, bossman, missing your secretary?
Akatsuki: You know what they say: Good help is-
BOS: Very expensive and hard to come by?
[Akatsuki chuckles.]
Evang: Tell me, BOS. What the devil just happened?
BOS: It is probable that multiple high-power, low-yield explosives were used in this attack.
Jun: The question is who would want to do this?
Misato: More importantly, how and why did this occur?
Jemu: I have a theory on that might answer those questions. I'd like to call it Schrodinger's Space Station.
Ritsuko: Schordinger's... I think I need to sit down.
Ai: Your theory being...
Jemu: All this has happened because of either one or both of the following: a nasty side-effect of not using the OAH device for such a long time, or it's just a plot device to hopefully make the story more interesting.
A comm window pops up, revealing the haggard face of Seiya Uribatake.
Seiya: You are not going to believe this.
Evang: Try us. What do we have down there, Uri-P?
Seiya: You can scratch your abduction plans off, people. Your walking piece of antique tank parts is now a jumbled heap of antique tank parts.
Jemu: Meaning the Terra Walker is totalled? Impossible. Maybe those are Aesti parts lying in a heap, Uri-P.
Seiya: Why don't y'all come down here an' see fer yerself?
Jun: Are you turning into a country hick, ol' timer?
Seiya: Sassy little bugger! Who are you callin' old?
Gendo: Well?
Fuyutsuki: The... um, station is currently being attended to by the local fire department, sir.
Gendo: Hmm. Any word on the EVAs or the Children?
Aoba: None yet sir, but it's almost sure that Unit 02 has its own functional S2 core.
Gendo: Almost sure?
Aoba turns red from the censure in the Commander's tone. Hyuuga, however, steps in to save his hide.
Hyuuga: Without an active analysis of the power levels and emissions of Unit 02, it is impossible to determine whether its heightened performance is due to an S2 organ or it's just being an EVA. Sir.
Maya: We are receiving an encoded transmission from the station, sir!
Fuyutsuki: No need to get overly excited, girl. What does it say?
Maya: I'm working on it. (Types furiously at her console.) Its a request for a conference with the Commander.
Gendo: And?
Maya: Nothing more, sir. It just keeps on repeating the message.
Gendo: It didn't say private or confidential, Miss Ibuki?
Maya: No, sir. Just that someone in there wants to talk to you.
Gendo: I see. Patch it through to my office.
Maya: Yes, sir.
Gendo: And Miss Ibuki?
Maya: Sir?
Gendo: I am trusting you to not have those two monkeys eavesdrop on this particular conversation.
Maya: No problem, sir.
Misato: So, now what?
Jemu: I have a little chat with Mr. Ikari. Chat about old times, do a little catching up, etc., and oh, by the way, congratulations on Unit 02's S2 core, do you mind if I borrow Units 01 and 02 for a little clandestine operation?
Misato: That's swell. That means you won't mind if we went home for a spell? This has been a fun party, but we do live in another world, so...
Evang: Oh, go on ahead. (Stage whisper.) That would make the next few scenes so much easier to write. (Turns to face Ai.) I suppose you'll be going with her as well?
Ai: Well, if it's all right with Rit-chan?
Ritsuko: Of course.
Misato: What about Commander Ikari?
Ritsuko: What about him?
Misato: You're bringing another brilliant blonde scientist within his firezone?
Ai: Don't worry about me. In fact, I'd like to see him try. (Smiles like a warrior relishing the prospect of a bloody battle.)
Jemu: I assume you'll be taking the kids with you? What about all those vultures gathered outside? How will Ikari handle this sort of publicity?
Misato: Yes, I'll be taking the kids home. Let me handle the PR. It's my job, remember?
Evang: OK, then. BOS? What's the overall status of the SpaceBar?
BOS: We are immobilized for the time being. No pulling of huge spaceships through time, space, and reality for a while. Internal hammerspace still works, though.
Meanwhile, in the Main lounge...
Yurika: What am I going to do with the three of you?
She gives an inquiring glance to the three albino girls standing in a row in front of her. All three retrun her gaze, unblinking under the scrutiny.
Akito: (Plopping down on a stool beside Yurika.) We haven't even decided on the naming convention for the little one.
He gives his best I'm-not-handsome-but-girls-still-chase-me smile to little Ruri, who blushes and begins to stare a hole into the floor. Evang chooses this moment to escort the Evangelion cast, with the exception of Kaji, to the "Gateway to the Proper World/Universe."
Evang: That's the toughest part, finding a good name that doesn't sound like a rip-off or a repeat. Excuse me, but I must see these guests to safety. This way please. Kensuke, say goodbye to the three mini-godesses of computing.
Meanwhile, in a faraway place where its denizens may never, ever appear in this series, a young girl sneezes. Loudly.
Keichi: Everything okay in the kitchen, Skuld?
Skuld: Were you guys talking about me behind my back?
Beldandy: No, we weren't. Our lips were occupied with something else.
Skuld: Making out again? Oh well, must be Urd-nee-chan, then.
Evang returns to the lounge, when a hand grabs his shoulder from behind. Turning to see who it was...
Evang: What is it, Akatsuki?
Akatsuki: Sending us packing already?
Evang: I'm not sending anyone away. They wanted to enjoy home living for a while, and who am I to deny them?
Akatsuki: Answer me this, then: where are Ms. Houmei, the Houmei Girls, and Megumi Reinard?
Evang: (Smiling.) They're in the Music Room, trying to get some work done on their album.
Akatsuki: And this happened when...?
Evang: (Grinning.) When the readers were busy slogging through episode 7.
Akatsuki: Devious. But then again, what did I expect from the puppetmaster of this whole thing?
Evang: So you know, eh? Who else knows?
Erina: (Appears behind him.) You never fooled me for a moment.
Evang: Kuuuurraaaaaaiiiiiisutu!!! (Spins to face her.) Don't scare me like THAT! WHERE did you COME FROM!!!?
Gort: (Steps forward from behind a potted palm.) Same place I was hiding in.
Evang: Nyaaaaaahhhhh!! Damn, Akatsuki, you have some weird employees!! I'm expecting Prospector to pop in any time now to complete this set of Four Horsemen.
A comm window appears.
Prospector: Did anyone say my name?
Evang: I give up! (Facing Prospector.) Where are you, anyway?
Prospector: Music room. There was no one around to play drums, so... (He shrugs.)
Evang: I think I need a drink. A large, medicinal dose of vodka.
Akatsuki: Come on, Erina, we've given the man enough shocks for one episode. Besides, the company must have run itself to the ground now.[Exit]
Erina: Impossible. I set it up so it could run itself even if you decided to head for a beach and bang your secretary, and still make a tidy profit.
I can't believe I just said that. [Exits as well.]
Prospector: If no one needs me... (His comm window closes.)
Gort: You up for some company while drinking?
Evang: Whatever.
Evang and Gort head for the bar, now being manned by...
Evang: Tsukurou? You? Tending bar?
Tsukurou: What'll it be, good customers?
Evang: Vodka. Large. No pepper.
Gort: The same.
Tsukurou: Just a sec. Beer is from the tap, and brandy is brown, or was it whisky...?
Evang: Why are you stuck with bar duty?
Tsukurou: Because Gai is busy painting his Aestivalis to match the color schemes of Gekiganger, and Kaji decided he's going to learn how to pilot one because, I quote "All I did in 'the show' was sneak around, screw around and get shot by the woman I love [to screw]", unquote.
Gort: Virtual Reality simulation room, then.
Evang: Yup. The Wreck Room, for short.
Gort: You mean it's not an arcade?
Evang: It's not your ordinary arcade.
Aoi Jun enters the Main Lounge. He spots the Tenkawas happily discussing something with their children in one corner, sighs, and heads for Tsukurou.
Jun: Hey, everyone. (Takes a stool for himself.)
Evang: Where have you been, Jun-boy?
Jun: To the mech bay. It sure was a mess when I got there. Boy, your super ground frame was really scrapped.
Evang: (Crestfallen.) So it's true, then.
Seiya: [Walks in.] Yes, and it's unsalvageable, save for the power plant. I still can't believe it. Who'd think that all those old parts would require that much power to move. It makes me want to cry.
Jun: Say, Shiratori-san, where's your sister?
Tsukurou: Yukina? I'm grounding her at the DC Apartments until I'm sure that the pervert Akatsuki is out of here. I'm sure she understands, it's my duty as a brother to protect her from sex maniacs of all sorts.
Jun: I see. (Stands up.) Well, I'm off.
Gort: Where to?
Jun: Where? Oh, the Wreck Room, maybe, some place where I can forget my sadness (glances at the corner) and maybe get some... happiness. [Exits.]
Seiya: (Staring at the door.) These hammerspace corridors take you anywhere on the station, right?
Evang: (Following his gaze.) Yeah. So?
Seiya: I think someone in a blue mood is going to get some..... happiness, tonight.
Akito: OK, how about "Chibi-Ruri"?
Capt. Ruri: No.
Ruri: No.
Lapis: (Grinning.) What's wrong with it?
Yurika: Yeah, I think it's cute.
Ruri: Baka.
Capt. Ruri: Baka.
Akito: (Sighs.) Say, when are you going to get out of the costumes? I think they're really cute on you, but I seem to miss the old look.
Yurika: So soon?
Evang: (Calling out from the bar area.) Why don't you just stick her in a white dress and call her "Hime"? That would certainly simplify things.
Lapis: Because she'd turn out to be my look-alike!
Ruri: Speak for yourself. I was the original cute little albino computer chip in frilly a dress. And I can sing too.
Akito: Alright, stop it. We won't go so far out as to deck you out in a dress, but I think the "Hime" part has some merit. So, (turning up the wattage on his smile) how about it, Princess?
Hime: It's OK. I guess.
Somewhere else aboard the downed station...
Jemu: This all seems unreal, you know. Like, is it everyday that your city gets trashed, and that's the reason why the press isn't swarming over us like giant ants?
Gendo: Partly. But mostly due to the fact that it was a NERV weapons test that went awry.
Jemu: Really? Wow.
Gendo: That's what I'm telling the press. The stupid fools are just sucking it up. It's so nice to be the only source of information. Now, back to our little "Mutual Defense Agreement."
Jemu: Oh, yes. So, what do you say? You lend me a couple of EVAs, I do my thing, making sure they return safe and unnoticed. In return, you get first crack at unraveling the new technonolgy I was talking about.
Evang: (Joins in via comm window.) I hate to butt in, but BOS has just informed me that we can't get either the Arbitrator or the Transport for the mission. Looks like we won't have any AT Field support for this run.
Gendo: Indeed? How long do you intend to squat on our fair city? I'd hate to rebuild then have it all destroyed again when you lift off. Just like the first Super Defense Fortress, AKA the 1-SDF program.
Jemu: That was the one where they had those flimsy planes that transformed into both power armor and a stupid-looking plane/humanoid hybrid?
Evang: Hey! Those were good pieces of hardware! Cheap, too.
Gendo: Cheap being the operative word. And since you cannot guarantee my "non-participation" in this project of yours, I see no reason to agree to this. Goodbye.
Jemu: Well, that's that.
Evang: Come down here to the bar. We need to discuss something. The Black Technology will be ours still.
Jemu: Alright. [Exit.]
Seiya: Say, that reminds me. Where are those three young women who are so thoughtless with their Aesti?
Evang: Beats me. BOS?
BOS: Wreck Room, sir.
Evang: No doubt Kaji's hitting on them.
BOS: No doubt.
Tsukurou: What does that Earth phrase mean, to hit on? Is that like, "assault" or something?
Gort: More like "harass." Though it is not usually frowned upon by women.
Tsukurou: Hmph. Earth women.
Gort: You're having..... a relationship with an Earth woman.
Seiya: Yeah! They're not so bad! Take my wife, for example.
Evang: (Sarcastic.) The voice of experience speaks. Heed him well.
Seiya opens his mouth to reply, only to shut it as a dejected-looking Jemu enters the Lounge.
Evang: Hey. Don't look so sad, we can still do this. Instead of a duel challenge, we'll just do a raid.
Jemu: (Flatly.) A raid.
Evang: Here, Seiya, tell me what you think of these plans. (Hands the mechanic a roll of blueprint.)
Seiya: (Unfurls the plans and begins drooling.) Transformable?
Jemu: BOS, mech bay inventory please.
BOS: You mean the obituary, right? One Terra Walker, one black EVA unit, one SR Guestpenst unit.
Tsukurou: Sounds like somebody doesn't want ultra-cheesy units hanging around, huh?
Evang: Hey, you know, you're right.
Seiya: (Still going over the plans.) Conductive coating? Sounds risky.
BOS: Some hammerspace power has been restored. Not enough to bring in a ship, but a crateful of supplies is another matter entirely.
Jemu: Plus there's the hammerspace icebox, where even LCL could be found.
Seiya: Alright! Where's your workshop? Uh, you do want to build one, right?
Evang: But of course! Why else would we be showing the plans to a master?
Seiya: This is going to be so much fun! Lead the way!
Evang leads the excited mechanic out of the lounge. Jemu stands to follow, but catches the look on Shiratori-san's face.
Jemu: Anything wrong?
Tsukurou: Huh? No. Nothing.
Jemu: You seemed to be in deep thought.
Tsukurou: I was just wondering were that young man went.
Jemu: You mean Jun?
Tsukurou: Yeah.
BOS: Does this help matters a bit? (Plays a streaming audio sequence.)
"Yukina, this is going to feel so good."
"Jun, no, stop!"
"Why should I?"
"Because it's wrong!"
"But it's what these two are made for. To unite."
Tsukurou turns an interesting shade of red, then white, then livid purple. He leaps over the counter and rushes for the nearest exit to the Dead Characters Apartments, screaming his sister's name. Concerned, Akito and Yurika make their way to the bar to demand some answers.
Yurika: Was that really- what we heard-?
Akito: Aoi is getting laid? (Gets a whap to his head from Yurika.) Ow.
Jemu: BOS? Is Aoi Jun getting some..... happiness?
BOS: Ummm.... maybe...
Jemu: How about some visual proof?
BOS: No lemons. Station policy. But here's the audio.
"Get away from my sister, you lowlife scum."
"Onii-chan, no!"
"Minato, how could you have let this happen?"
"He said that he just wanted to talk with her, and I thought, well, it's just Jun, so I guess it wouldn't hurt at all."
"It hurt like hell!"
"Yukina! Your brother doesn't need to know that!"
"-And all that talk about 'This is going to feel so good!'"
"You assaulted my defenseless little sister!?"
"Her? Defenseless? She disintegrated me back in-"
"I don't want to hear your excuses! The evidence speaks for itself."
Yurika: Oh, no. Yukina...
Akito: Oh, yeah! Jun, yo' da man! You rock, (pumps his fist in the air) uh! (Receives another whap on the head, and a huge bump grows in seconds.) Ow!!
A few hours later, in the mech bay...
Seiya: Ore wa... TENSAI!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
Gai steps out from under a tarp.
Gai: But the color is ugly. Gunmetal gray is not a fit color for something that fights and flies in the sky. But not to worry, I shall correct that error! (Brandishes a paintbrush and a can of paint in his hands.)
Evang: If I know you, it will be painted in lots of blue and black with red and yellow highlights.
Gai: You don't like that color scheme? But it's so heroic!
Evang: I want it done mainly in red and white with black, yellow, and blue highlights!
His reply causes Seiya and Gai to fall over sideways.
Jemu: (Walking in.) Hey, don't I get a say in what color it should be? I'm the pilot, after all. And I say it should be all black with a red visor and green highlights.
Gai: Black is not the color for a true hero! It is the color of darkness, of inherent weakness! Look at Akito, for crying out loud!
Akito: (Via pop-up window.) What the hell do you mean by that, Daigouji!!?
Gai: It is the truth! You (points to Evang) and you, (points to Jemu) you agree with me, right?
Evang: Well, yeah-
Jemu: But dudes in black always get cool music and entrance scenes. I want cool music and entrance scenes too, dude.
Gai: You're not helping my case! Hey, old man, what are you doing!
Seiya: Ending this stupid debate once and for all! (Pulls a switch, plunging the mech bay in total black.)
Akito: Hey, where did everybody go?
The lights come back on, and the object of their heated debate is now colored mostly white and red.
Evang: YES!!!
Jemu: The cool entrance and music, gone... (Sobs.)
Gai: I still say blue, black and red would be better.
Seiya: Save it for something with launchable fists, Daigouji. (Clears his throat.) Behold, the RFG-3A!
Akito: RFG-3A? What kind of name is that?
Seiya: It's the Reconaissance Fighter Gear - Advanced All-terrain Attacker!
Akito: I still think the name sucks.
Jemu: So, when do we test-fly this thing?
Evang: As soon as we get back to 100% operational capability. In other words-
Jemu: Please be true? (Gets uppercutted into the hangar ceiling for that crack.) Ouch. (Falls back to the floor.) Bummer.
Evang: AS I WAS SAYING, as soon as we are flight capable once more.
Seiya: Won't that take too long for the inhabitants of the city we crash landed on?
Evang: To hell with them. Now that the thing is completed, I'm now seeing to security. I don't want this baby to blow up before we even see it work.
Seiya: I'll help out, you can count on that. No one's blowing up MY creations on my shift.
Gai: I just hope none of those white monstrosities attack while we're grounded, not that I'm scared, but I'd rather not fight on the ground.
One week later...
BOS: We're back online, masters. Shall I begin liftoff sequence?
Jemu: Do that.
Evang: Great. (Faces his guests gathered before him.) Are you sure you want to help us with this little live fire test flight?
Akito: Of course.
Gai: Anything for my fellow Gekiganger fans!
Akatsuki: If it survives, will you let me mass-produce it?
Evang: We'll give you the dumbed-down, more customizble version.
Akatsuki: Ah, well.
Erina: You're not going to fly against that prototype, are you?
Akatsuki: I'll just be on standby, if these guys prove too light a threat for you.
Ryoko: Too light!? Why you- (Is restrained by Izumi and Hikaru.)
Hikaru: Now, now, Ryoko, save it for the fight.
Izumi: Better yet, save the prototype from her.
Seiya: I'll observe everything from here. By the way, whatever inspired you to hook up these three into the computer for extra processing power?
Yurika: Demonic genius, I'm sure. (Looks worriedly at the girls.) Are you sure you three want to do this?
Ruri: At least it keeps our little princess from picking a fight with you-know-who.
Hime: If a fight does break out, it won't be me who started it.
Lapis: What is that supposed to mean?
BOS: We have lift-off in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ZER0!
A shudder rocks the station as it struggles against gravity. The shock waves generated were felt by everyone in Tokyo-3, including...
Gendo: So, they're leaving.
Fuyutsuki: It appears that way, sir.
Gendo: Good riddance.
Shinji: What was that?
Touji: Earthquake?
Hikari: Calm down, everyone, and remember the drill!
Kensuke: No, look! Out there!
Shinji's class rushes to the windows and watches the huge length of the SpaceBar as it climbs over the tallest buildings in the city.
Assorted classmates: Ooohh! Aaaahhh! What is that thing? No, don't put your finger there, please!
Asuka: So the circus is leaving town. That's good, I guess.
Rei: I have the feeling we will be seeing them again soon enough.
Touji pulls Shinji to a corner of the room to start a whispering session. Kensuke notices this and follows suit, after putting away his camcorder.
Touji: I noticed that those two haven't made one dirty joke yet, and half of the day is gone now. They're not sick, are they?
Shinji: I honestly don't know. They've been this way since we left the SpaceBar. I mean, Rei not talking to me is normal, as normal as Rei can get, but Asuka not baiting me...
Kensuke: Maybe having her EVA swallow Angel body parts while she was in it... what do you think?
Asuka: (Taking Kensuke and Touji by their ears.) I think you guys talk too much. And you call yourself boys!
Kensuke: Owowowowow let go, Asuka!
Touji: It's no use, Kensuke! It's the Viking Princess Grip of Doom! Owwww!
Back on the station, the atmosphere is tense.
BOS: We have cleared Tokyo-3 from our area of effect.
Evang: Prepare for spatial coordinate multi-level dilation.
Ruri: Baka.
Hime: Baka.
Lapis: Baka.
Yurika: Eh?
Seiya: They mean it's a bunch of non-sensical scientific sounding words designed to amaze and confuse any idiots who hear it.
Yurika: Oh, I see. I think. Umm, there's an insult in there somewhere...
Seiya: Me?! Insult anyone? Nahhh.
Jemu: SUPEISU JUMPU, GOOOOOO!!!!! (Presses a switch on his console.)
Jun: Since when did the SpaceBar have a bridge?
Evang: If you'll notice, this is the war configuration of the main lounge. Only we have to put in extra stuff for our three Mages, or Maguses, or whatever you want to call our resident pint-sized geniusues.
In the Geofront...
Aoba: Massive energy surge detected!
Hyuuga: Confirmed! It seems to be an EMP!
Maya: Taking countermeasures now!
Fuyutsuki: Rather rude parting gift, wouldn't you say?
In a blinding flash of light, the station was gone. Scant seconds later, so was all the electricity in Tokyo-3.
Ritsuko: This had to happen now.
Misato: At least it isn't Kaji I'm stuck in here with, now.
Ai: I'll try to get us out of here. (Grabs Misato's and Ritsuko's arms.) It's not working!
Misato: What isn't? (Looks around for an exit hatch but doesn't find one.) Great. I guess were trapped for the duration. What do we do now?
Ritsuko: Start stripping. (Shrugs out of her lab gown.)
Ai does the same, and Misato reluctantly sheds her jacket.
Rabid Pervert Fanboys: [Whistles, catcalls, hooting, lewd suggestions.]
RPF 1: I know how to play a saxophone!
RPF 2: I got a snake-charmer recording!
Other RPFs: Add in the music!
The SpaceBar materializes in orbit above the planet, midway between the moon and the Earth.
Ruri: Move command completed. Everything is A-OK.
Jemu: Do you three remember your tasks?
Lapis: I'm supposed to keep track of the pilot as he flies and fights.
Hime: My job is to observe and apprise the others about the unit's performance.
Ruri: And I'm stuck with making sure nothing fouls up in this live fire exercise.
Evang: OK, then, let's head down to the hangar to christen the RFG-3A with a more pronounceable name.
The adults gathered make their way out of the room. As soon as all have left...
Hime: We're probably going to be bored witless before this is done.
BOS: (Creating three comm windows in front of each girl.) Care for a card game?
Down at the hangar, everyone is gathered around the red and white RFG-3A. Evang is holding a bottle of beer in his hand. A St. Michael Light.
Evang: As Captain of this station, I hereby dub this unit, the Zaga-2! (Faces away as he smacks the bottle against the nose of the plane.)
[Insert applause here, only to be broken by...]
Akito: Just out of curiosity, what happened to the Zaga-1?
Evang: The Zaga-1 was a two-seater transformable fighter. It was launched with more pomp and festivity than a Labor Day parade. Hell, even the local recording artists and celebrities were there, with talk of making a war movie using the Zaga-1 and its 'clones'. Everyone was so excited about it, and when some blue-haired pop-idol started singing a themesong for it, the plane experienced some problems. Or maybe the pilot got distracted. Anyway, while trying to transform in mid-flight, the plane and its two pilots exploded in a giant fireball.
Yurika: (Shocked.) Oh, no.
Jemu: (Breaking into a sweat.) I don't feel like flying this thing anymore.
Evang: Still, every cloud has a silver lining, no matter how dark it looks. A valuable lesson was learned that day.
Gai: And that lesson was?
Evang: Never, ever, have a blue-haired bimbo share a cockpit with you. Especially if she sings.
He never knew what hit him. Seconds later, a harried Akito Tenkawa was pulling back his wife, trying to prevent her from making the captain of the SpaceBar a permanent part of the floor decoration.
BOS: There seems to be some scuffle going on in the hangar.
Ruri: Ignore them. They're just being idiots. By the way, I Bolt your Specter.
Lapis: Counter that.
Ruri: I see. Okay then, Ruri, do it.
Hime: Hai. I play Ire of Deities.
Lapis: I lose life and a card and counter your spell.
BOS: Good save.
Lapis: Thanks.
Jemu climbs up the side and into the cockpit of the Zaga-2. After strapping himself in, he runs the diagnostic stock footage for an aircraft and gives the thumbs up sign to his audience. They wave back, and the canopy slides into place, in a manner not unlike of a coffins glass pane.
Jemu: (Sarcastic.) Thanks. I so needed that imagery.
Oh, think nothing of it.
Jemu: (Hitting a switch.) This is Zaga-2 to Texas. All systems are go. We are ready for lift-off.
Hime: Texas?
Ruri: That's us, little one. (To the window.) Zaga-2, this is Texas, you are cleared for takeoff as soon as those idiots get out of the hangar airlock, over.
Jemu: Copy that, Texas. (Activates his loudspeakers.) Everyone back into the Main Lounge! This is one show you don't want to miss. Except the pilots who are involved, of course.
The crowd obediently disperses, save for the five Aesti pilots: Akito, Gai, Hikaru, Ryoko, and Izumi. Said pilots head for their respective units and hop in.
Hikaru: Amano Hikaru, ready!
Ryoko: Subaru Ryoko, good to go!
Izumi: Ready, and not just for the loony bin.
Gai: Daigouji Gai, ready to fight!
Akito: I'm ready as well.
Ruri: (Appears in a window in each pilot's cokpit.) Stand by as we open the hangar doors. The Zaga-2 will launch first, perform some basic runs, and five minutes later, the weapons test will begin. I must repeat, this is a-
Yurika: (Pulling Ruri aside and taking her place.) Are you sure you don't want me to sing before you-
EVERYONE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Yurika: (Ready to cry.) You could have just told me nicely, there was no need to shout at me you know. I'm not deaf, I just have big boobs.
Perverted Fanboys: WE NOTICED!!!
Evang: You made her cry. Oooh. Hey, who let those fanboys in here? Flush them out into space, BOS!
BOS: OK. [A lot of human bodies float outside and pop like baloons.]
Lapis: I find this scene disturbing.
Hime: And so do I.
Seiya: She's about to cry again.
Gort: At least she doesn't cause ice storms when she wails and carries on.
[Insert stock footage of a Veritech launching and looping around the mothership, then insert stock footage of 0G frames launching.]
Jemu: Texas, I noticed something funny going on. (Takes another look at his tactical display.)
Ruri: What is it, Zaga-2?
Jemu: I'm facing off against a sentai.
Evang: Did he say hentai? Where?
Ruri: Baka.
Hime: Baka baka.
Lapis: I refuse to say anything to the same effect to avoid being labeled a no-good, second-rate, trying-hard copycat. (Hurls a small hammer at Evang in an almost off-handed fashion.)
Evang: (Catches the hammer deftly with the back of his head.) Ouch. (His carcass makes a soft thud as it hits the deck and twitches.)
Gai: We are the Go Tetsu Bushi! (Five Steel Warriors) We have heard your insulting tone, and by the Blue Earth, we shall punish you! (Sends his Aesti headlong toward Jemu, one fist forward while screaming.) GAI......... SUPER........ NAPALM!!!
Jemu: I was expecting something like this from you, Gai. And since I'm a good guy, I won't let your efforts go unrewarded.
The Zaga-2 changes form, stretching and bending to sprout arms and legs, and a nasty-looking gun in its right hand. In the space of 1 second.
Jemu: Have a helping of blue plasma. I hear it's good for your health.
Gai's Aesti runs headlong into the blue beam, and much to his teammates' surprise, stops dead in its tracks. Little snakelets of blue energy chased each other sporadically on their playground which was Gai's Aestivalis.
Hime: One down.
Lapis: Pilot's heart rate is higher than normal, but that's nothing to be worried about.
Ryoko: Okay, so it seems that it packs a punch even at long range. Izumi, go get him.
Izumi: Sure. Would you like that just wrapped, or with a ribbon and a card?
Ryoko: Just engage it in a shoot-out, will you, while we dodge around, waiting for an opening.
Izumi sighs and trains her rail cannon at the red enemy. She fires a round, and another, and another, all of which the Zaga-2 evaded by transforming into its flyer mode and moving around while firing salvos of 4 rockets. The battlefield is a crazy scene of Aestis dodging rockets, and the Zaga-2 using Gai's paralyzed unit as cover and popping up to shoot.
Hime: Zaga-2 is releasing Seekers.
Yurika: Eh? What are those?
Seiya: Devious, is what they are. They're small, mobile mines that launch in pairs. They're capable of damaging targets that are protected by Distortion Fields, provided the field is small.
Hime: As in the case of the Aestivalis.
Seiya: Yes.
Yurika: (Grabbing a headset.) Akito, don't let those anti-distortion mines hit any of you, OK?
Akito: What the hell kind of advice is that? Do you think anyone of us out here wants to get hit with any of the Zaga-2's attacks?
Ryoko: Damn these mines to hell! How do you expect us to move with all these crap floating around? (Shoots down a mine that wanders a little too close for her comfort.) Blast!
Jemu: That's the whole point, my dear: I don't want you moving when I do this.
A pair of cannon barrels sprout from the Zaga-2's shoulders and aim forward, facing the Aestis.
Hime: IFF targeting and analysis completed. Sending fire pattern to battle computer, sent. Turbo Cannons firing at full speed.
A barrage of plasma spheres, each orb leaving a short tail behind it like a comet, flies from the Zaga-2's cannons. At the same time, Jemu hits a switch and detonates all of his seekers. [Insert stock footage of a fleet taking a lot of fire from an enemy fleet. Just replace the big ships with little, mobile, suits.]
Ruri: Distortion fields at 1/3 strength. Auxiliary power is half gone.
Lapis: Blood pressure is high, and so is the heart beat rate. His fingers are getting... cold?
Yurika: (To Seiya.) How does she know that?
Seiya: Don't look at me, I don't want to touch any of that neural linkage stuff. Sounds like some kinky bed routine, if you ask me.
Hime: Turbo Cannons offline. Zaga-2 is out of seekers and is now arming Sideswiper missiles.
Lapis: Texas to Zaga-2. We're wondering why your hands are cold.
Jemu: (Surprised.) You can feel that? (Squeezes the trigger, which fires his Sideswipers.) And now?
Lapis: Your pulse is twice normal now. Are you sure you're all right?
Jemu: (Smiles at the Aestis scrambling to avoid his missiles.) Never been better, dear girl. Except maybe if this was a sim. That way, I don't have to worry about accidentally destroying these Aestivalis units.
Akito: We heard that. Take this! GEKIGAN FLARE!!
Ryoko: Akito! That move will totally drain your batteries! Don't be rash!
Izumi: I bet he's just itching to score one for his comrade that got prematurely scratched off.
Hikaru:(Snapping off a burst of gun fire.) No need to rub it harder, Izumi.
Izumi: Rub it, and it does grow harder. (Chortles at her lewd joke.)
The pink approaches the red, the pink being surrounded by an aura of sorts. In response, the pink sends the rockets on its left arm at the pink one. Said rockets splatter and explode against the distortion field. Arm now empty of rockets, the pink one assumes a blocking position, the other arm still holding the gun at the ready.
Ryoko: We can't just let him do this alone! Wait up, Ten-
Hikaru and Izumi: TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA!
A red-cheeked Ryoko punches Hikaru into oblivion. She starts to go after Izumi, but decides that she needs her long-range proficiency. Turning back just in time, she manages to see Akito's Distortion Tackle fizzle after encountering the Zaga-2's defensive stance. The aura surrounding the pink Aesti fades, and what appears to be a small star twinkles in Zaga-2's left fist.
Jemu: Out of energy, eh? Well, have some of mine! POINTU BUREIKA PANCHI!
Akito: Yipe!
The telltale flash of a Class-A Boson jumper doing his dirty deed blinds Ryoko, Izumi, and the others. When it cleared, the pink Aesti was now very close to the SpaceBar.
Evang: Unfortunately for him, we don't generate gravity waves to power Aestivalis units.
Yurika: (Turns to face him, alarmed.) You don't?!
Evang: Nope.
Ruri: Pass the popcorn, please. By the way, BOS, track Miss Amano's Aesti.
BOS: Roger that. Hey, Uri-P, the Captain would like some popcorn, too.
Seiya: Oh. Sorry. Here. (Passes the tub.)
Lapis: So who's winning?
Hime: Three of five units are out of commission. The remaining two have low power left, and all that has been exhausted are two weapon systems of the Zaga-2. There is some damage to the armor, concentrated on the left forearm of the unit.
Jemu: Two units left? Time for my shell launcher, then.
Izumi: Shell launcher? Is he going to shoot poor, hapless oysters at us?
Ryoko: Why don't you clam up and start shooting?
Zaga-2 holsters its plasma rifle and pulls another gun from its back, this one looking like an oversized M9. Grinning like a maniac, Jemu presses a button on his console and Zaga-2 turns hybrid, looking like a fighter plane from which a pair of legs and arms were attached.
Hime: Zaga-2 has entered its intermediary mode, codenamed "SG" mode.
Yurika: SG? What does that mean?
Hime: It stands for "Stupid Goose."
Lapis: Like some person currently watching this fight.
Evang: Come on, Seiya, let's not stick around where we aren't wanted.
Seiya: (Sighing.) It was good while it lasted.
Both men leave the main lounge turned bridge and leave Ruri, little Ruri, and Yurika, especially Yurika, staring dumbly at their backs.
Lapis: Oh, help. (Rolls her eyes toward the ceiling.) Everybody's an idiot.
Yurika: (Breaks out of her daze.) That was a mean thing to say, Lapis. You made those wonderful people leave with your comment about stupid people.
If BOS had a humanoid body, it would have slapped its forehead in sheer exasperation.
Ruri: I know the feeling, BOS. Believe me, I know. If only we three weren't supposed to break contact with these link nodes for the duration of the fight.
BOS: (In a mental whisper to her.) It was partly my bad, I think. When your momma asked me for some info as to why most men avoid pop idols like AIDS or something, I showed her a clip of some bimbo named Min Linmei in one of her gigs.
Ruri: Since when did your syntax structure start to drift toward ebonic, BOS? And why are you doing an Omoikane schtick, too?
Hime: Are you saying that the video clip is some sort of insidious mind-control weapon?
BOS: I'm saying dat dat piece o' bitch a-singin' is da baddest thing ta hit the universe since high explosive boob missiles. 'Course, that was a good kind of bad, not like dat bimbo, y'know what I'm sayin', girlie?
Lapis: Is that like what my dad is so fond of watching, even now? In that case, I know why he and mom married.
The above conversation was carried out in the neural/digital nexus that came into being for this event. Which, of course, left Yurika to wonder why her three wards fell silent all of a sudden.
Yurika: (Walks to where Lapis is and checks her vitals.) There's still a pulse, but... (Repeats the process with the other two.) What's wrong, you three? Talk to me, please.
Ruri: (Speaking out and scaring Yurika half to death.) Game over, folks.
Surprised out of her wits, Tenkawa Yurika Misumaru collapses daintily to the floor, like a balloon with its air taken out.
BOS: Oh, dear. The poor thing. Should I request the others to return now?
Ruri: Please do. If we need to get her to sick bay, I know I can't carry her. And these two are practically worthless.
Lapis: I'm not worthless! (Disengages herself from her station, prompting the younger Ruri to do the same.) Let's see. (Takes off her left glove and covering her IFS tattoo with her hand.) Um, she doesn't have any congenital heart problems or anything, right?
Ruri: None that we know of. Why?
Lapis: Because-
Lapis never gets to finish her sentence, as the six pilots saunter through the doors. Upon catching sight of the three children huddled on the floor beside their adoptive mother, chaos ensues.
Akito: What happened? (Rushes over and falls to his knees.) Yurika! Yurika!
Hikaru: Hey, what's going on over there?
Izumi: More like, what's happening down there. Heh.
Gai: What's wrong with the captain? And how did we get here so fast?
Ryoko: One second we were chilling out in space. The next... Akito, did you...?
Akito: Huh? I didn't do anything to her, honest.
Ryoko: Bakemono! I wasn't referring to her I was talking about us!
Ryoko realizes what she said and quickly faces the other pilots.
Ryoko: Dammit, Hikaru, Izumi, I know what you're thinking and it isn't like that! When I said "about us" I didn't mean me and-
Hikaru & Izumi: TENKAWA?!?!
Gai: I'm a little confused here...
Jemu: It's like in the new robot shows where the main character is chasing or is chased by more than one female. You know the type.
Gai: So, the females are always in a nekketsu mood whenever they see the rival? That's good, right?
Jemu: So long as they channel all that anger heat toward the enemy. But if there's no enemy, there's always the lead guy...
Gai: Ahhh. That adds drama to his life, am I right? Marvelous!
Jemu: More like comedy, but who cares? The more chicks, the better. Look out, Gai!
Jemu steps adroitly to the side. Gai looks up just in time to be trampled by Hikaru and Izumi as they try to outrun the demoness Ryoko. Incidentally, Ryoko also runs over him like a bump on the road, screeching like a harpy all the while.
Ryoko: I meant to ask him if he Jumped all of us here, you idiots! Come back here!
Hikaru: Do we look like complete imbeciles to you?
Izumi: I know I look like a chain-smoking, sarcastic yet classy rocker chick, and Hikaru looks like a perky, nerdy, cheerleader girl.
Hikaru: No, we don't look like total imbeciles.
Jemu walks over to where Gai is sprawled on the floor.
Jemu: You OK?
Gai: It... hurts.
Jemu: It probably would have hurt less if they were wearing short skirts. Especially that redhead with glasses. That would have really lessened the pain you're feeling now.
Gai: Thanks. Thinking about it does make the pain seem more bearable.
They talk some more, conveniently ignoring the now-reawakening Yurika, when Seiya and Evang walk in.
Seiya: Hey, where's the pervert that those three were running away from? (Catches sight of Yurika being helped up.) What happened?
Yurika: I don't remember. One minute I was checking out the girls, the next thing I knew I'm sitting on the floor. And my heart feels like it just ran 3 miles in a minute.
Akito: It does?
Yurika: Here, I bet you can even hear it. (Pulls Akito's head, ear first, to her chest.)
Akito: (Turning a little bit red.) Oh. Um, I still can't hear it. Maybe if I press my head closer... (Starts moving his head.)
Hime: Maybe you two should just get a room and work out each other's tension.
Everybody looks at the younger Ruri after she makes this statement.
Hime: Oh, don't mind me. It's just a little girl talking.
Ruri: It's my fault, actually. I scared Mom by talking all of a sudden that she lost her consciousness.
Evang: (Flatly.) From surprise.
Ruri: Hai.
Evang: Better take her someplace quiet, Tenkawa.
Akito grins like an idiot (or is it a lech?) and scoops his wife into his arms. The others watch as he makes his way out of the main lounge in record time.
Jemu: (Smiling and shaking his head.) So, battle results?
Ruri: (Smiling smugly.) Results are inconclusive.
Jemu: What?
Hime: Zaga-2 is able to pilot well in space conditions, but atmospheric conditions vary greatly. The fact that the last two Aestivalis ran out of power also does not prove that Zaga-2 can defeat them handily. That, and the tactics used by the pilots-
Gai: You mean it's our fault we lost, you cute little computer chip?!
Lapis: Put that way, yes. It would have been possible to defeat Zaga-2 if you and Akito did not engage it singly. Also, had pilot Subaru not attacked pilot Hikaru, well, who's to say what could have happened?
Ruri: All this means that we have to conduct a test in Earth or near-Earth conditions. Also, a gravity wave emitter should be present to provide the Aestivalis with uninterrupted power.
Seiya: I'm sure the gravity wave emitter could be easily solved. So where will we fight next?
Gai: Yes, I'm itching for a rematch!
Evang: We'll see to that. Meanwhile, you guys have the day off.
Jemu: While we don't.
Seiya: If you don't mind, I'd like to work on the gravity generator now.
Evang: Be our guest.
Gai: And I should see that my teammates haven't killed each other yet. (Heads for the door.) Miss Hikaru, where are you? (Exits.)
The room is empty, save for three little albinos and a couple of hentai self-inserts.
Ruri: Ano...
Evang: Yes?
Ruri: I was wondering how the pilots got here so quickly, after finding out that Mom fainted.
Evang: Oh, that? (Chuckles, and looks at his sidekick, who is valiantly carrying out a conversation with the younger girls.) It's a secret, hidden deep within the SpaceBar. Would you like to see my secret?
Pervert fanboys: Ooooohhhhh, his "secret." (Guffaws of laughter.)
Ruri: I should slap you. All of you.
Pervert fanboys: Yes, mistress, beat us silly! (Lots of lewd laughter.)
Evang: Look, if you don't trust me, we could take my sidekick along and your sisters as well as we go into the quiet recesses of the station.
Hime: You wouldn't do anything... strange with us, right?
Jemu: (Offended.) Do we look like sexual deviants to you?
Lapis: Should we bother to dignify that with a reponse?
Jemu: I'll take that as a "Yes, we'll come along willingly and trustingly."
Jemu walks to the center of the main lounge and opens the, no, not the gate, the trapdoor. Ruri pulls her sisters behind her and backs away from the two guys.
Ruri: That's the hammerspace honeymoon suite, right? I knew it.
Evang: This? Nahh, it's a hammerspace corridor too.
Lapis: And we're supposed to believe that?
Jemu: OK, if you don't wanna believe, then you go in first, one at a time. As you walk down the stairs, focus on "the Spacebar's secret."
Evang: We'll catch up with you later.
Lapis: How about onee-chan and Ruri come with me first, then you guys one at a time? That way, I can Boson Jump us to safety if you pervs try to do something.
Jemu: If that's how you want it.
Evang: Go, then.
The three sisters head down along the stairs.
Lapis: Something just occurred to me.
Ruri: What?
Lapis: The procedure to get there, to the secret of the SpaceBar...
Ruri: What of it?
Lapis: It strikes me as a little too similar to Boson Jumping.
Hime: Only the destination can be abstract or unknown too the traveler.
Ruri: Hmm. That's right.
The stairs stop onto a landing facing a pair of steel doors. Red letters proclaim that the doors are guarding the secret of the SpaceBar.
Ruri: Well, here goes.
Ruri takes a step toward the doors, and stops as the doors begin to open, inch by slow inch. The sight that greets them renders them speechless.
Ruri: It's... undescribable.
Well, not really. A large vault, walls lined with machinery, monitors, and other devices, beckoned to the three. In the center of the room, there sat...
Ruri: A command chair? What's a command chair doing here?
Hime: Where are our tour guides? Should we go in now or wait for them?
Lapis: I'm going in. (Takes the few steps necessary to bring her across the threshold.)
Ruri & Ruri: NOOO!!!
Their attempt to pull Lapis back fails spectacularly, neither one of them having had too much time for physical activities growing up. As such, they stumble on each other and hurtle into Lapis, who also didn't have fast enough reflexes to dodge. (Aren't albinos cute? Imagine a tangle of three.)
They end up flying across the threshold together and landing in a heap.
All 3: Ouch.
Ruri: Will you two get off of me? Lapis is no weight at all, but I don't remember weighing that much when I was still on the Nadesico-A.
Hime: It's all the good food that Akito - um, I can call him Dad, right, even if I have a real dad somewhere? - cooks for us.
Lapis: Hey, look. (Raising her hands.)
Ruris: Huh?
They look, and see that...
Ruri: Lapis, why are your hand implants glowing?
Hime: Not that, but your face too.
Lapis: I could say the same of your faces. They look like a ship's readouts when it just got hit by a gravity blast.
They take a good hard look at each other.
Ruri: This isn't funny. What is this place?
As if in response, the lights in the room went out, leaving it dark except for where the girls were huddled on the floor. A single shaft of light illuminated the command chair. Lines of silvery light radiated from it, running across the floor, along the walls, onto the ceiling, like a glowing system of roots. The room was bright once more, given light by the strange, yet eerily familiar patterns of lines, lights, and shadows that came from the command chair. The various devices scattered around the room were silhouetted against the gleaming walls. Bewildered, the girls belatedly noticed the rise of the command chair, staring in fascinated horror as it rode atop a huge, similarly patterned, glowing cube.
The children, realizing what the SpaceBar's secret was, and finding themselves right in the middle of it, did the first thing that came to their minds. Their voices rose, then mingled into one soul-rending scream that would have made a banshee proud.
Sadly, no matter how loud their screams were, they went unnoticed, trapped within the bowels of this twisted place.
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: The anime characters and series mentioned in this little piece of litter-rature don't belong to me. Only Jemu, Evang, and BOS are belong to me. (Yes, that was intentional.)
Tokyo-3 is a fairly active city. Its streets are traversed everyday by
pedestrians and vehicles alike. The scene is always like this, barring the
occasional emergency evacuations that happen so often. During those times,
the streets are dead. Usually, after the evacuees return, they are greeted by the sight of wasted buildings and shattered streets. Today however, a new one greets them. {Camera zooms to take in the burning SpaceBar.}
Evang: Damage report!
BOS: Engines are very severly damaged. Life support is also slightly damaged, but since we're on a habitable planet, I guess that's nothing to worry `bout.
Misato: (Rising to her feet.) What the hell happened?
BOS: The area of greatest damage seems to be around the hangar area.
Seiya: NNNNOOOOOOOO!!! My beautiful mecha!!! (Dashes out of the room.)
BOS: Hammerspace power is down. We will be unable to do our cool time-space
twisting special effects for quite a while.
Jemu: Bummer. (Shakes his head to clear it.) Dr. Akagi, Dr. Fressange, are you alright?! No, don't move, Dr. Akagi, you're bleeding. (Administers first aid to Ritsuko.)
Ritsuko: (In a groggy voice.) Oooh, who spiked the cappucino?
BOS: Please remain calm until further notice. We do not have engine power, so we'll be earthbound for a while.
Akito: Kids? Where are you? (Glances around frantically.)
Yurika: Oh, Akito, you're bleeding! (Rushes to him, but is kept at bay.)
Akito: Where are the girls?
Ryoko: Over here, Tenkawa.
Akito turns to look at Ryoko, who is holding the 10-year old version of
Ruri. The older one is holding Lapis, and is currently sitting on a bemused
Akatsuki Nagare. Just in case you perverts are wondering, Akatsuki is face
down on the floor.
Ruri: (Teenager.) We're okay, mom, dad. I'm not sure about the rest of the people here, though.
Hikaru: I think I'm okay. So is Ryoko, and Izumi is... well, Izumi.
Kaji: (Getting up from behind the bar.) BOS? Where are the kids from Tokyo-3?
BOS: Kensuke and Touji are in the Wreck Room. For some odd reason, the Wreck Room seems to have escaped damage. The first Three Children as of now are curled up in a tight ball in a bedroom somewhere in hammerspace. They also are unharmed.
Akatsuki: Excuse me, can I breathe now?
Ruri: Oh, sorry, Akatsuki-san. (Moves herself and her 'sister' off of his back.)
Akatsuki: And what about the other characters from my show?
BOS: Your show?
Tsukurou: Your show?
Ryoko, Izumi, Hikaru, Minato: YOUR SHOW!!???
Akatsuki: Alright, my co-workers?
BOS: All of them are safe and sound. You needn't worry about them. What's the matter, bossman, missing your secretary?
Akatsuki: You know what they say: Good help is-
BOS: Very expensive and hard to come by?
[Akatsuki chuckles.]
Evang: Tell me, BOS. What the devil just happened?
BOS: It is probable that multiple high-power, low-yield explosives were used in this attack.
Jun: The question is who would want to do this?
Misato: More importantly, how and why did this occur?
Jemu: I have a theory on that might answer those questions. I'd like to call it Schrodinger's Space Station.
Ritsuko: Schordinger's... I think I need to sit down.
Ai: Your theory being...
Jemu: All this has happened because of either one or both of the following: a nasty side-effect of not using the OAH device for such a long time, or it's just a plot device to hopefully make the story more interesting.
A comm window pops up, revealing the haggard face of Seiya Uribatake.
Seiya: You are not going to believe this.
Evang: Try us. What do we have down there, Uri-P?
Seiya: You can scratch your abduction plans off, people. Your walking piece of antique tank parts is now a jumbled heap of antique tank parts.
Jemu: Meaning the Terra Walker is totalled? Impossible. Maybe those are Aesti parts lying in a heap, Uri-P.
Seiya: Why don't y'all come down here an' see fer yerself?
Jun: Are you turning into a country hick, ol' timer?
Seiya: Sassy little bugger! Who are you callin' old?
Gendo: Well?
Fuyutsuki: The... um, station is currently being attended to by the local fire department, sir.
Gendo: Hmm. Any word on the EVAs or the Children?
Aoba: None yet sir, but it's almost sure that Unit 02 has its own functional S2 core.
Gendo: Almost sure?
Aoba turns red from the censure in the Commander's tone. Hyuuga, however, steps in to save his hide.
Hyuuga: Without an active analysis of the power levels and emissions of Unit 02, it is impossible to determine whether its heightened performance is due to an S2 organ or it's just being an EVA. Sir.
Maya: We are receiving an encoded transmission from the station, sir!
Fuyutsuki: No need to get overly excited, girl. What does it say?
Maya: I'm working on it. (Types furiously at her console.) Its a request for a conference with the Commander.
Gendo: And?
Maya: Nothing more, sir. It just keeps on repeating the message.
Gendo: It didn't say private or confidential, Miss Ibuki?
Maya: No, sir. Just that someone in there wants to talk to you.
Gendo: I see. Patch it through to my office.
Maya: Yes, sir.
Gendo: And Miss Ibuki?
Maya: Sir?
Gendo: I am trusting you to not have those two monkeys eavesdrop on this particular conversation.
Maya: No problem, sir.
Misato: So, now what?
Jemu: I have a little chat with Mr. Ikari. Chat about old times, do a little catching up, etc., and oh, by the way, congratulations on Unit 02's S2 core, do you mind if I borrow Units 01 and 02 for a little clandestine operation?
Misato: That's swell. That means you won't mind if we went home for a spell? This has been a fun party, but we do live in another world, so...
Evang: Oh, go on ahead. (Stage whisper.) That would make the next few scenes so much easier to write. (Turns to face Ai.) I suppose you'll be going with her as well?
Ai: Well, if it's all right with Rit-chan?
Ritsuko: Of course.
Misato: What about Commander Ikari?
Ritsuko: What about him?
Misato: You're bringing another brilliant blonde scientist within his firezone?
Ai: Don't worry about me. In fact, I'd like to see him try. (Smiles like a warrior relishing the prospect of a bloody battle.)
Jemu: I assume you'll be taking the kids with you? What about all those vultures gathered outside? How will Ikari handle this sort of publicity?
Misato: Yes, I'll be taking the kids home. Let me handle the PR. It's my job, remember?
Evang: OK, then. BOS? What's the overall status of the SpaceBar?
BOS: We are immobilized for the time being. No pulling of huge spaceships through time, space, and reality for a while. Internal hammerspace still works, though.
Meanwhile, in the Main lounge...
Yurika: What am I going to do with the three of you?
She gives an inquiring glance to the three albino girls standing in a row in front of her. All three retrun her gaze, unblinking under the scrutiny.
Akito: (Plopping down on a stool beside Yurika.) We haven't even decided on the naming convention for the little one.
He gives his best I'm-not-handsome-but-girls-still-chase-me smile to little Ruri, who blushes and begins to stare a hole into the floor. Evang chooses this moment to escort the Evangelion cast, with the exception of Kaji, to the "Gateway to the Proper World/Universe."
Evang: That's the toughest part, finding a good name that doesn't sound like a rip-off or a repeat. Excuse me, but I must see these guests to safety. This way please. Kensuke, say goodbye to the three mini-godesses of computing.
Meanwhile, in a faraway place where its denizens may never, ever appear in this series, a young girl sneezes. Loudly.
Keichi: Everything okay in the kitchen, Skuld?
Skuld: Were you guys talking about me behind my back?
Beldandy: No, we weren't. Our lips were occupied with something else.
Skuld: Making out again? Oh well, must be Urd-nee-chan, then.
Evang returns to the lounge, when a hand grabs his shoulder from behind. Turning to see who it was...
Evang: What is it, Akatsuki?
Akatsuki: Sending us packing already?
Evang: I'm not sending anyone away. They wanted to enjoy home living for a while, and who am I to deny them?
Akatsuki: Answer me this, then: where are Ms. Houmei, the Houmei Girls, and Megumi Reinard?
Evang: (Smiling.) They're in the Music Room, trying to get some work done on their album.
Akatsuki: And this happened when...?
Evang: (Grinning.) When the readers were busy slogging through episode 7.
Akatsuki: Devious. But then again, what did I expect from the puppetmaster of this whole thing?
Evang: So you know, eh? Who else knows?
Erina: (Appears behind him.) You never fooled me for a moment.
Evang: Kuuuurraaaaaaiiiiiisutu!!! (Spins to face her.) Don't scare me like THAT! WHERE did you COME FROM!!!?
Gort: (Steps forward from behind a potted palm.) Same place I was hiding in.
Evang: Nyaaaaaahhhhh!! Damn, Akatsuki, you have some weird employees!! I'm expecting Prospector to pop in any time now to complete this set of Four Horsemen.
A comm window appears.
Prospector: Did anyone say my name?
Evang: I give up! (Facing Prospector.) Where are you, anyway?
Prospector: Music room. There was no one around to play drums, so... (He shrugs.)
Evang: I think I need a drink. A large, medicinal dose of vodka.
Akatsuki: Come on, Erina, we've given the man enough shocks for one episode. Besides, the company must have run itself to the ground now.[Exit]
Erina: Impossible. I set it up so it could run itself even if you decided to head for a beach and bang your secretary, and still make a tidy profit.
I can't believe I just said that. [Exits as well.]
Prospector: If no one needs me... (His comm window closes.)
Gort: You up for some company while drinking?
Evang: Whatever.
Evang and Gort head for the bar, now being manned by...
Evang: Tsukurou? You? Tending bar?
Tsukurou: What'll it be, good customers?
Evang: Vodka. Large. No pepper.
Gort: The same.
Tsukurou: Just a sec. Beer is from the tap, and brandy is brown, or was it whisky...?
Evang: Why are you stuck with bar duty?
Tsukurou: Because Gai is busy painting his Aestivalis to match the color schemes of Gekiganger, and Kaji decided he's going to learn how to pilot one because, I quote "All I did in 'the show' was sneak around, screw around and get shot by the woman I love [to screw]", unquote.
Gort: Virtual Reality simulation room, then.
Evang: Yup. The Wreck Room, for short.
Gort: You mean it's not an arcade?
Evang: It's not your ordinary arcade.
Aoi Jun enters the Main Lounge. He spots the Tenkawas happily discussing something with their children in one corner, sighs, and heads for Tsukurou.
Jun: Hey, everyone. (Takes a stool for himself.)
Evang: Where have you been, Jun-boy?
Jun: To the mech bay. It sure was a mess when I got there. Boy, your super ground frame was really scrapped.
Evang: (Crestfallen.) So it's true, then.
Seiya: [Walks in.] Yes, and it's unsalvageable, save for the power plant. I still can't believe it. Who'd think that all those old parts would require that much power to move. It makes me want to cry.
Jun: Say, Shiratori-san, where's your sister?
Tsukurou: Yukina? I'm grounding her at the DC Apartments until I'm sure that the pervert Akatsuki is out of here. I'm sure she understands, it's my duty as a brother to protect her from sex maniacs of all sorts.
Jun: I see. (Stands up.) Well, I'm off.
Gort: Where to?
Jun: Where? Oh, the Wreck Room, maybe, some place where I can forget my sadness (glances at the corner) and maybe get some... happiness. [Exits.]
Seiya: (Staring at the door.) These hammerspace corridors take you anywhere on the station, right?
Evang: (Following his gaze.) Yeah. So?
Seiya: I think someone in a blue mood is going to get some..... happiness, tonight.
Akito: OK, how about "Chibi-Ruri"?
Capt. Ruri: No.
Ruri: No.
Lapis: (Grinning.) What's wrong with it?
Yurika: Yeah, I think it's cute.
Ruri: Baka.
Capt. Ruri: Baka.
Akito: (Sighs.) Say, when are you going to get out of the costumes? I think they're really cute on you, but I seem to miss the old look.
Yurika: So soon?
Evang: (Calling out from the bar area.) Why don't you just stick her in a white dress and call her "Hime"? That would certainly simplify things.
Lapis: Because she'd turn out to be my look-alike!
Ruri: Speak for yourself. I was the original cute little albino computer chip in frilly a dress. And I can sing too.
Akito: Alright, stop it. We won't go so far out as to deck you out in a dress, but I think the "Hime" part has some merit. So, (turning up the wattage on his smile) how about it, Princess?
Hime: It's OK. I guess.
Somewhere else aboard the downed station...
Jemu: This all seems unreal, you know. Like, is it everyday that your city gets trashed, and that's the reason why the press isn't swarming over us like giant ants?
Gendo: Partly. But mostly due to the fact that it was a NERV weapons test that went awry.
Jemu: Really? Wow.
Gendo: That's what I'm telling the press. The stupid fools are just sucking it up. It's so nice to be the only source of information. Now, back to our little "Mutual Defense Agreement."
Jemu: Oh, yes. So, what do you say? You lend me a couple of EVAs, I do my thing, making sure they return safe and unnoticed. In return, you get first crack at unraveling the new technonolgy I was talking about.
Evang: (Joins in via comm window.) I hate to butt in, but BOS has just informed me that we can't get either the Arbitrator or the Transport for the mission. Looks like we won't have any AT Field support for this run.
Gendo: Indeed? How long do you intend to squat on our fair city? I'd hate to rebuild then have it all destroyed again when you lift off. Just like the first Super Defense Fortress, AKA the 1-SDF program.
Jemu: That was the one where they had those flimsy planes that transformed into both power armor and a stupid-looking plane/humanoid hybrid?
Evang: Hey! Those were good pieces of hardware! Cheap, too.
Gendo: Cheap being the operative word. And since you cannot guarantee my "non-participation" in this project of yours, I see no reason to agree to this. Goodbye.
Jemu: Well, that's that.
Evang: Come down here to the bar. We need to discuss something. The Black Technology will be ours still.
Jemu: Alright. [Exit.]
Seiya: Say, that reminds me. Where are those three young women who are so thoughtless with their Aesti?
Evang: Beats me. BOS?
BOS: Wreck Room, sir.
Evang: No doubt Kaji's hitting on them.
BOS: No doubt.
Tsukurou: What does that Earth phrase mean, to hit on? Is that like, "assault" or something?
Gort: More like "harass." Though it is not usually frowned upon by women.
Tsukurou: Hmph. Earth women.
Gort: You're having..... a relationship with an Earth woman.
Seiya: Yeah! They're not so bad! Take my wife, for example.
Evang: (Sarcastic.) The voice of experience speaks. Heed him well.
Seiya opens his mouth to reply, only to shut it as a dejected-looking Jemu enters the Lounge.
Evang: Hey. Don't look so sad, we can still do this. Instead of a duel challenge, we'll just do a raid.
Jemu: (Flatly.) A raid.
Evang: Here, Seiya, tell me what you think of these plans. (Hands the mechanic a roll of blueprint.)
Seiya: (Unfurls the plans and begins drooling.) Transformable?
Jemu: BOS, mech bay inventory please.
BOS: You mean the obituary, right? One Terra Walker, one black EVA unit, one SR Guestpenst unit.
Tsukurou: Sounds like somebody doesn't want ultra-cheesy units hanging around, huh?
Evang: Hey, you know, you're right.
Seiya: (Still going over the plans.) Conductive coating? Sounds risky.
BOS: Some hammerspace power has been restored. Not enough to bring in a ship, but a crateful of supplies is another matter entirely.
Jemu: Plus there's the hammerspace icebox, where even LCL could be found.
Seiya: Alright! Where's your workshop? Uh, you do want to build one, right?
Evang: But of course! Why else would we be showing the plans to a master?
Seiya: This is going to be so much fun! Lead the way!
Evang leads the excited mechanic out of the lounge. Jemu stands to follow, but catches the look on Shiratori-san's face.
Jemu: Anything wrong?
Tsukurou: Huh? No. Nothing.
Jemu: You seemed to be in deep thought.
Tsukurou: I was just wondering were that young man went.
Jemu: You mean Jun?
Tsukurou: Yeah.
BOS: Does this help matters a bit? (Plays a streaming audio sequence.)
"Yukina, this is going to feel so good."
"Jun, no, stop!"
"Why should I?"
"Because it's wrong!"
"But it's what these two are made for. To unite."
Tsukurou turns an interesting shade of red, then white, then livid purple. He leaps over the counter and rushes for the nearest exit to the Dead Characters Apartments, screaming his sister's name. Concerned, Akito and Yurika make their way to the bar to demand some answers.
Yurika: Was that really- what we heard-?
Akito: Aoi is getting laid? (Gets a whap to his head from Yurika.) Ow.
Jemu: BOS? Is Aoi Jun getting some..... happiness?
BOS: Ummm.... maybe...
Jemu: How about some visual proof?
BOS: No lemons. Station policy. But here's the audio.
"Get away from my sister, you lowlife scum."
"Onii-chan, no!"
"Minato, how could you have let this happen?"
"He said that he just wanted to talk with her, and I thought, well, it's just Jun, so I guess it wouldn't hurt at all."
"It hurt like hell!"
"Yukina! Your brother doesn't need to know that!"
"-And all that talk about 'This is going to feel so good!'"
"You assaulted my defenseless little sister!?"
"Her? Defenseless? She disintegrated me back in-"
"I don't want to hear your excuses! The evidence speaks for itself."
Yurika: Oh, no. Yukina...
Akito: Oh, yeah! Jun, yo' da man! You rock, (pumps his fist in the air) uh! (Receives another whap on the head, and a huge bump grows in seconds.) Ow!!
A few hours later, in the mech bay...
Seiya: Ore wa... TENSAI!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
Gai steps out from under a tarp.
Gai: But the color is ugly. Gunmetal gray is not a fit color for something that fights and flies in the sky. But not to worry, I shall correct that error! (Brandishes a paintbrush and a can of paint in his hands.)
Evang: If I know you, it will be painted in lots of blue and black with red and yellow highlights.
Gai: You don't like that color scheme? But it's so heroic!
Evang: I want it done mainly in red and white with black, yellow, and blue highlights!
His reply causes Seiya and Gai to fall over sideways.
Jemu: (Walking in.) Hey, don't I get a say in what color it should be? I'm the pilot, after all. And I say it should be all black with a red visor and green highlights.
Gai: Black is not the color for a true hero! It is the color of darkness, of inherent weakness! Look at Akito, for crying out loud!
Akito: (Via pop-up window.) What the hell do you mean by that, Daigouji!!?
Gai: It is the truth! You (points to Evang) and you, (points to Jemu) you agree with me, right?
Evang: Well, yeah-
Jemu: But dudes in black always get cool music and entrance scenes. I want cool music and entrance scenes too, dude.
Gai: You're not helping my case! Hey, old man, what are you doing!
Seiya: Ending this stupid debate once and for all! (Pulls a switch, plunging the mech bay in total black.)
Akito: Hey, where did everybody go?
The lights come back on, and the object of their heated debate is now colored mostly white and red.
Evang: YES!!!
Jemu: The cool entrance and music, gone... (Sobs.)
Gai: I still say blue, black and red would be better.
Seiya: Save it for something with launchable fists, Daigouji. (Clears his throat.) Behold, the RFG-3A!
Akito: RFG-3A? What kind of name is that?
Seiya: It's the Reconaissance Fighter Gear - Advanced All-terrain Attacker!
Akito: I still think the name sucks.
Jemu: So, when do we test-fly this thing?
Evang: As soon as we get back to 100% operational capability. In other words-
Jemu: Please be true? (Gets uppercutted into the hangar ceiling for that crack.) Ouch. (Falls back to the floor.) Bummer.
Evang: AS I WAS SAYING, as soon as we are flight capable once more.
Seiya: Won't that take too long for the inhabitants of the city we crash landed on?
Evang: To hell with them. Now that the thing is completed, I'm now seeing to security. I don't want this baby to blow up before we even see it work.
Seiya: I'll help out, you can count on that. No one's blowing up MY creations on my shift.
Gai: I just hope none of those white monstrosities attack while we're grounded, not that I'm scared, but I'd rather not fight on the ground.
One week later...
BOS: We're back online, masters. Shall I begin liftoff sequence?
Jemu: Do that.
Evang: Great. (Faces his guests gathered before him.) Are you sure you want to help us with this little live fire test flight?
Akito: Of course.
Gai: Anything for my fellow Gekiganger fans!
Akatsuki: If it survives, will you let me mass-produce it?
Evang: We'll give you the dumbed-down, more customizble version.
Akatsuki: Ah, well.
Erina: You're not going to fly against that prototype, are you?
Akatsuki: I'll just be on standby, if these guys prove too light a threat for you.
Ryoko: Too light!? Why you- (Is restrained by Izumi and Hikaru.)
Hikaru: Now, now, Ryoko, save it for the fight.
Izumi: Better yet, save the prototype from her.
Seiya: I'll observe everything from here. By the way, whatever inspired you to hook up these three into the computer for extra processing power?
Yurika: Demonic genius, I'm sure. (Looks worriedly at the girls.) Are you sure you three want to do this?
Ruri: At least it keeps our little princess from picking a fight with you-know-who.
Hime: If a fight does break out, it won't be me who started it.
Lapis: What is that supposed to mean?
BOS: We have lift-off in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ZER0!
A shudder rocks the station as it struggles against gravity. The shock waves generated were felt by everyone in Tokyo-3, including...
Gendo: So, they're leaving.
Fuyutsuki: It appears that way, sir.
Gendo: Good riddance.
Shinji: What was that?
Touji: Earthquake?
Hikari: Calm down, everyone, and remember the drill!
Kensuke: No, look! Out there!
Shinji's class rushes to the windows and watches the huge length of the SpaceBar as it climbs over the tallest buildings in the city.
Assorted classmates: Ooohh! Aaaahhh! What is that thing? No, don't put your finger there, please!
Asuka: So the circus is leaving town. That's good, I guess.
Rei: I have the feeling we will be seeing them again soon enough.
Touji pulls Shinji to a corner of the room to start a whispering session. Kensuke notices this and follows suit, after putting away his camcorder.
Touji: I noticed that those two haven't made one dirty joke yet, and half of the day is gone now. They're not sick, are they?
Shinji: I honestly don't know. They've been this way since we left the SpaceBar. I mean, Rei not talking to me is normal, as normal as Rei can get, but Asuka not baiting me...
Kensuke: Maybe having her EVA swallow Angel body parts while she was in it... what do you think?
Asuka: (Taking Kensuke and Touji by their ears.) I think you guys talk too much. And you call yourself boys!
Kensuke: Owowowowow let go, Asuka!
Touji: It's no use, Kensuke! It's the Viking Princess Grip of Doom! Owwww!
Back on the station, the atmosphere is tense.
BOS: We have cleared Tokyo-3 from our area of effect.
Evang: Prepare for spatial coordinate multi-level dilation.
Ruri: Baka.
Hime: Baka.
Lapis: Baka.
Yurika: Eh?
Seiya: They mean it's a bunch of non-sensical scientific sounding words designed to amaze and confuse any idiots who hear it.
Yurika: Oh, I see. I think. Umm, there's an insult in there somewhere...
Seiya: Me?! Insult anyone? Nahhh.
Jemu: SUPEISU JUMPU, GOOOOOO!!!!! (Presses a switch on his console.)
Jun: Since when did the SpaceBar have a bridge?
Evang: If you'll notice, this is the war configuration of the main lounge. Only we have to put in extra stuff for our three Mages, or Maguses, or whatever you want to call our resident pint-sized geniusues.
In the Geofront...
Aoba: Massive energy surge detected!
Hyuuga: Confirmed! It seems to be an EMP!
Maya: Taking countermeasures now!
Fuyutsuki: Rather rude parting gift, wouldn't you say?
In a blinding flash of light, the station was gone. Scant seconds later, so was all the electricity in Tokyo-3.
Ritsuko: This had to happen now.
Misato: At least it isn't Kaji I'm stuck in here with, now.
Ai: I'll try to get us out of here. (Grabs Misato's and Ritsuko's arms.) It's not working!
Misato: What isn't? (Looks around for an exit hatch but doesn't find one.) Great. I guess were trapped for the duration. What do we do now?
Ritsuko: Start stripping. (Shrugs out of her lab gown.)
Ai does the same, and Misato reluctantly sheds her jacket.
Rabid Pervert Fanboys: [Whistles, catcalls, hooting, lewd suggestions.]
RPF 1: I know how to play a saxophone!
RPF 2: I got a snake-charmer recording!
Other RPFs: Add in the music!
The SpaceBar materializes in orbit above the planet, midway between the moon and the Earth.
Ruri: Move command completed. Everything is A-OK.
Jemu: Do you three remember your tasks?
Lapis: I'm supposed to keep track of the pilot as he flies and fights.
Hime: My job is to observe and apprise the others about the unit's performance.
Ruri: And I'm stuck with making sure nothing fouls up in this live fire exercise.
Evang: OK, then, let's head down to the hangar to christen the RFG-3A with a more pronounceable name.
The adults gathered make their way out of the room. As soon as all have left...
Hime: We're probably going to be bored witless before this is done.
BOS: (Creating three comm windows in front of each girl.) Care for a card game?
Down at the hangar, everyone is gathered around the red and white RFG-3A. Evang is holding a bottle of beer in his hand. A St. Michael Light.
Evang: As Captain of this station, I hereby dub this unit, the Zaga-2! (Faces away as he smacks the bottle against the nose of the plane.)
[Insert applause here, only to be broken by...]
Akito: Just out of curiosity, what happened to the Zaga-1?
Evang: The Zaga-1 was a two-seater transformable fighter. It was launched with more pomp and festivity than a Labor Day parade. Hell, even the local recording artists and celebrities were there, with talk of making a war movie using the Zaga-1 and its 'clones'. Everyone was so excited about it, and when some blue-haired pop-idol started singing a themesong for it, the plane experienced some problems. Or maybe the pilot got distracted. Anyway, while trying to transform in mid-flight, the plane and its two pilots exploded in a giant fireball.
Yurika: (Shocked.) Oh, no.
Jemu: (Breaking into a sweat.) I don't feel like flying this thing anymore.
Evang: Still, every cloud has a silver lining, no matter how dark it looks. A valuable lesson was learned that day.
Gai: And that lesson was?
Evang: Never, ever, have a blue-haired bimbo share a cockpit with you. Especially if she sings.
He never knew what hit him. Seconds later, a harried Akito Tenkawa was pulling back his wife, trying to prevent her from making the captain of the SpaceBar a permanent part of the floor decoration.
BOS: There seems to be some scuffle going on in the hangar.
Ruri: Ignore them. They're just being idiots. By the way, I Bolt your Specter.
Lapis: Counter that.
Ruri: I see. Okay then, Ruri, do it.
Hime: Hai. I play Ire of Deities.
Lapis: I lose life and a card and counter your spell.
BOS: Good save.
Lapis: Thanks.
Jemu climbs up the side and into the cockpit of the Zaga-2. After strapping himself in, he runs the diagnostic stock footage for an aircraft and gives the thumbs up sign to his audience. They wave back, and the canopy slides into place, in a manner not unlike of a coffins glass pane.
Jemu: (Sarcastic.) Thanks. I so needed that imagery.
Oh, think nothing of it.
Jemu: (Hitting a switch.) This is Zaga-2 to Texas. All systems are go. We are ready for lift-off.
Hime: Texas?
Ruri: That's us, little one. (To the window.) Zaga-2, this is Texas, you are cleared for takeoff as soon as those idiots get out of the hangar airlock, over.
Jemu: Copy that, Texas. (Activates his loudspeakers.) Everyone back into the Main Lounge! This is one show you don't want to miss. Except the pilots who are involved, of course.
The crowd obediently disperses, save for the five Aesti pilots: Akito, Gai, Hikaru, Ryoko, and Izumi. Said pilots head for their respective units and hop in.
Hikaru: Amano Hikaru, ready!
Ryoko: Subaru Ryoko, good to go!
Izumi: Ready, and not just for the loony bin.
Gai: Daigouji Gai, ready to fight!
Akito: I'm ready as well.
Ruri: (Appears in a window in each pilot's cokpit.) Stand by as we open the hangar doors. The Zaga-2 will launch first, perform some basic runs, and five minutes later, the weapons test will begin. I must repeat, this is a-
Yurika: (Pulling Ruri aside and taking her place.) Are you sure you don't want me to sing before you-
EVERYONE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Yurika: (Ready to cry.) You could have just told me nicely, there was no need to shout at me you know. I'm not deaf, I just have big boobs.
Perverted Fanboys: WE NOTICED!!!
Evang: You made her cry. Oooh. Hey, who let those fanboys in here? Flush them out into space, BOS!
BOS: OK. [A lot of human bodies float outside and pop like baloons.]
Lapis: I find this scene disturbing.
Hime: And so do I.
Seiya: She's about to cry again.
Gort: At least she doesn't cause ice storms when she wails and carries on.
[Insert stock footage of a Veritech launching and looping around the mothership, then insert stock footage of 0G frames launching.]
Jemu: Texas, I noticed something funny going on. (Takes another look at his tactical display.)
Ruri: What is it, Zaga-2?
Jemu: I'm facing off against a sentai.
Evang: Did he say hentai? Where?
Ruri: Baka.
Hime: Baka baka.
Lapis: I refuse to say anything to the same effect to avoid being labeled a no-good, second-rate, trying-hard copycat. (Hurls a small hammer at Evang in an almost off-handed fashion.)
Evang: (Catches the hammer deftly with the back of his head.) Ouch. (His carcass makes a soft thud as it hits the deck and twitches.)
Gai: We are the Go Tetsu Bushi! (Five Steel Warriors) We have heard your insulting tone, and by the Blue Earth, we shall punish you! (Sends his Aesti headlong toward Jemu, one fist forward while screaming.) GAI......... SUPER........ NAPALM!!!
Jemu: I was expecting something like this from you, Gai. And since I'm a good guy, I won't let your efforts go unrewarded.
The Zaga-2 changes form, stretching and bending to sprout arms and legs, and a nasty-looking gun in its right hand. In the space of 1 second.
Jemu: Have a helping of blue plasma. I hear it's good for your health.
Gai's Aesti runs headlong into the blue beam, and much to his teammates' surprise, stops dead in its tracks. Little snakelets of blue energy chased each other sporadically on their playground which was Gai's Aestivalis.
Hime: One down.
Lapis: Pilot's heart rate is higher than normal, but that's nothing to be worried about.
Ryoko: Okay, so it seems that it packs a punch even at long range. Izumi, go get him.
Izumi: Sure. Would you like that just wrapped, or with a ribbon and a card?
Ryoko: Just engage it in a shoot-out, will you, while we dodge around, waiting for an opening.
Izumi sighs and trains her rail cannon at the red enemy. She fires a round, and another, and another, all of which the Zaga-2 evaded by transforming into its flyer mode and moving around while firing salvos of 4 rockets. The battlefield is a crazy scene of Aestis dodging rockets, and the Zaga-2 using Gai's paralyzed unit as cover and popping up to shoot.
Hime: Zaga-2 is releasing Seekers.
Yurika: Eh? What are those?
Seiya: Devious, is what they are. They're small, mobile mines that launch in pairs. They're capable of damaging targets that are protected by Distortion Fields, provided the field is small.
Hime: As in the case of the Aestivalis.
Seiya: Yes.
Yurika: (Grabbing a headset.) Akito, don't let those anti-distortion mines hit any of you, OK?
Akito: What the hell kind of advice is that? Do you think anyone of us out here wants to get hit with any of the Zaga-2's attacks?
Ryoko: Damn these mines to hell! How do you expect us to move with all these crap floating around? (Shoots down a mine that wanders a little too close for her comfort.) Blast!
Jemu: That's the whole point, my dear: I don't want you moving when I do this.
A pair of cannon barrels sprout from the Zaga-2's shoulders and aim forward, facing the Aestis.
Hime: IFF targeting and analysis completed. Sending fire pattern to battle computer, sent. Turbo Cannons firing at full speed.
A barrage of plasma spheres, each orb leaving a short tail behind it like a comet, flies from the Zaga-2's cannons. At the same time, Jemu hits a switch and detonates all of his seekers. [Insert stock footage of a fleet taking a lot of fire from an enemy fleet. Just replace the big ships with little, mobile, suits.]
Ruri: Distortion fields at 1/3 strength. Auxiliary power is half gone.
Lapis: Blood pressure is high, and so is the heart beat rate. His fingers are getting... cold?
Yurika: (To Seiya.) How does she know that?
Seiya: Don't look at me, I don't want to touch any of that neural linkage stuff. Sounds like some kinky bed routine, if you ask me.
Hime: Turbo Cannons offline. Zaga-2 is out of seekers and is now arming Sideswiper missiles.
Lapis: Texas to Zaga-2. We're wondering why your hands are cold.
Jemu: (Surprised.) You can feel that? (Squeezes the trigger, which fires his Sideswipers.) And now?
Lapis: Your pulse is twice normal now. Are you sure you're all right?
Jemu: (Smiles at the Aestis scrambling to avoid his missiles.) Never been better, dear girl. Except maybe if this was a sim. That way, I don't have to worry about accidentally destroying these Aestivalis units.
Akito: We heard that. Take this! GEKIGAN FLARE!!
Ryoko: Akito! That move will totally drain your batteries! Don't be rash!
Izumi: I bet he's just itching to score one for his comrade that got prematurely scratched off.
Hikaru:(Snapping off a burst of gun fire.) No need to rub it harder, Izumi.
Izumi: Rub it, and it does grow harder. (Chortles at her lewd joke.)
The pink approaches the red, the pink being surrounded by an aura of sorts. In response, the pink sends the rockets on its left arm at the pink one. Said rockets splatter and explode against the distortion field. Arm now empty of rockets, the pink one assumes a blocking position, the other arm still holding the gun at the ready.
Ryoko: We can't just let him do this alone! Wait up, Ten-
Hikaru and Izumi: TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA!
A red-cheeked Ryoko punches Hikaru into oblivion. She starts to go after Izumi, but decides that she needs her long-range proficiency. Turning back just in time, she manages to see Akito's Distortion Tackle fizzle after encountering the Zaga-2's defensive stance. The aura surrounding the pink Aesti fades, and what appears to be a small star twinkles in Zaga-2's left fist.
Jemu: Out of energy, eh? Well, have some of mine! POINTU BUREIKA PANCHI!
Akito: Yipe!
The telltale flash of a Class-A Boson jumper doing his dirty deed blinds Ryoko, Izumi, and the others. When it cleared, the pink Aesti was now very close to the SpaceBar.
Evang: Unfortunately for him, we don't generate gravity waves to power Aestivalis units.
Yurika: (Turns to face him, alarmed.) You don't?!
Evang: Nope.
Ruri: Pass the popcorn, please. By the way, BOS, track Miss Amano's Aesti.
BOS: Roger that. Hey, Uri-P, the Captain would like some popcorn, too.
Seiya: Oh. Sorry. Here. (Passes the tub.)
Lapis: So who's winning?
Hime: Three of five units are out of commission. The remaining two have low power left, and all that has been exhausted are two weapon systems of the Zaga-2. There is some damage to the armor, concentrated on the left forearm of the unit.
Jemu: Two units left? Time for my shell launcher, then.
Izumi: Shell launcher? Is he going to shoot poor, hapless oysters at us?
Ryoko: Why don't you clam up and start shooting?
Zaga-2 holsters its plasma rifle and pulls another gun from its back, this one looking like an oversized M9. Grinning like a maniac, Jemu presses a button on his console and Zaga-2 turns hybrid, looking like a fighter plane from which a pair of legs and arms were attached.
Hime: Zaga-2 has entered its intermediary mode, codenamed "SG" mode.
Yurika: SG? What does that mean?
Hime: It stands for "Stupid Goose."
Lapis: Like some person currently watching this fight.
Evang: Come on, Seiya, let's not stick around where we aren't wanted.
Seiya: (Sighing.) It was good while it lasted.
Both men leave the main lounge turned bridge and leave Ruri, little Ruri, and Yurika, especially Yurika, staring dumbly at their backs.
Lapis: Oh, help. (Rolls her eyes toward the ceiling.) Everybody's an idiot.
Yurika: (Breaks out of her daze.) That was a mean thing to say, Lapis. You made those wonderful people leave with your comment about stupid people.
If BOS had a humanoid body, it would have slapped its forehead in sheer exasperation.
Ruri: I know the feeling, BOS. Believe me, I know. If only we three weren't supposed to break contact with these link nodes for the duration of the fight.
BOS: (In a mental whisper to her.) It was partly my bad, I think. When your momma asked me for some info as to why most men avoid pop idols like AIDS or something, I showed her a clip of some bimbo named Min Linmei in one of her gigs.
Ruri: Since when did your syntax structure start to drift toward ebonic, BOS? And why are you doing an Omoikane schtick, too?
Hime: Are you saying that the video clip is some sort of insidious mind-control weapon?
BOS: I'm saying dat dat piece o' bitch a-singin' is da baddest thing ta hit the universe since high explosive boob missiles. 'Course, that was a good kind of bad, not like dat bimbo, y'know what I'm sayin', girlie?
Lapis: Is that like what my dad is so fond of watching, even now? In that case, I know why he and mom married.
The above conversation was carried out in the neural/digital nexus that came into being for this event. Which, of course, left Yurika to wonder why her three wards fell silent all of a sudden.
Yurika: (Walks to where Lapis is and checks her vitals.) There's still a pulse, but... (Repeats the process with the other two.) What's wrong, you three? Talk to me, please.
Ruri: (Speaking out and scaring Yurika half to death.) Game over, folks.
Surprised out of her wits, Tenkawa Yurika Misumaru collapses daintily to the floor, like a balloon with its air taken out.
BOS: Oh, dear. The poor thing. Should I request the others to return now?
Ruri: Please do. If we need to get her to sick bay, I know I can't carry her. And these two are practically worthless.
Lapis: I'm not worthless! (Disengages herself from her station, prompting the younger Ruri to do the same.) Let's see. (Takes off her left glove and covering her IFS tattoo with her hand.) Um, she doesn't have any congenital heart problems or anything, right?
Ruri: None that we know of. Why?
Lapis: Because-
Lapis never gets to finish her sentence, as the six pilots saunter through the doors. Upon catching sight of the three children huddled on the floor beside their adoptive mother, chaos ensues.
Akito: What happened? (Rushes over and falls to his knees.) Yurika! Yurika!
Hikaru: Hey, what's going on over there?
Izumi: More like, what's happening down there. Heh.
Gai: What's wrong with the captain? And how did we get here so fast?
Ryoko: One second we were chilling out in space. The next... Akito, did you...?
Akito: Huh? I didn't do anything to her, honest.
Ryoko: Bakemono! I wasn't referring to her I was talking about us!
Ryoko realizes what she said and quickly faces the other pilots.
Ryoko: Dammit, Hikaru, Izumi, I know what you're thinking and it isn't like that! When I said "about us" I didn't mean me and-
Hikaru & Izumi: TENKAWA?!?!
Gai: I'm a little confused here...
Jemu: It's like in the new robot shows where the main character is chasing or is chased by more than one female. You know the type.
Gai: So, the females are always in a nekketsu mood whenever they see the rival? That's good, right?
Jemu: So long as they channel all that anger heat toward the enemy. But if there's no enemy, there's always the lead guy...
Gai: Ahhh. That adds drama to his life, am I right? Marvelous!
Jemu: More like comedy, but who cares? The more chicks, the better. Look out, Gai!
Jemu steps adroitly to the side. Gai looks up just in time to be trampled by Hikaru and Izumi as they try to outrun the demoness Ryoko. Incidentally, Ryoko also runs over him like a bump on the road, screeching like a harpy all the while.
Ryoko: I meant to ask him if he Jumped all of us here, you idiots! Come back here!
Hikaru: Do we look like complete imbeciles to you?
Izumi: I know I look like a chain-smoking, sarcastic yet classy rocker chick, and Hikaru looks like a perky, nerdy, cheerleader girl.
Hikaru: No, we don't look like total imbeciles.
Jemu walks over to where Gai is sprawled on the floor.
Jemu: You OK?
Gai: It... hurts.
Jemu: It probably would have hurt less if they were wearing short skirts. Especially that redhead with glasses. That would have really lessened the pain you're feeling now.
Gai: Thanks. Thinking about it does make the pain seem more bearable.
They talk some more, conveniently ignoring the now-reawakening Yurika, when Seiya and Evang walk in.
Seiya: Hey, where's the pervert that those three were running away from? (Catches sight of Yurika being helped up.) What happened?
Yurika: I don't remember. One minute I was checking out the girls, the next thing I knew I'm sitting on the floor. And my heart feels like it just ran 3 miles in a minute.
Akito: It does?
Yurika: Here, I bet you can even hear it. (Pulls Akito's head, ear first, to her chest.)
Akito: (Turning a little bit red.) Oh. Um, I still can't hear it. Maybe if I press my head closer... (Starts moving his head.)
Hime: Maybe you two should just get a room and work out each other's tension.
Everybody looks at the younger Ruri after she makes this statement.
Hime: Oh, don't mind me. It's just a little girl talking.
Ruri: It's my fault, actually. I scared Mom by talking all of a sudden that she lost her consciousness.
Evang: (Flatly.) From surprise.
Ruri: Hai.
Evang: Better take her someplace quiet, Tenkawa.
Akito grins like an idiot (or is it a lech?) and scoops his wife into his arms. The others watch as he makes his way out of the main lounge in record time.
Jemu: (Smiling and shaking his head.) So, battle results?
Ruri: (Smiling smugly.) Results are inconclusive.
Jemu: What?
Hime: Zaga-2 is able to pilot well in space conditions, but atmospheric conditions vary greatly. The fact that the last two Aestivalis ran out of power also does not prove that Zaga-2 can defeat them handily. That, and the tactics used by the pilots-
Gai: You mean it's our fault we lost, you cute little computer chip?!
Lapis: Put that way, yes. It would have been possible to defeat Zaga-2 if you and Akito did not engage it singly. Also, had pilot Subaru not attacked pilot Hikaru, well, who's to say what could have happened?
Ruri: All this means that we have to conduct a test in Earth or near-Earth conditions. Also, a gravity wave emitter should be present to provide the Aestivalis with uninterrupted power.
Seiya: I'm sure the gravity wave emitter could be easily solved. So where will we fight next?
Gai: Yes, I'm itching for a rematch!
Evang: We'll see to that. Meanwhile, you guys have the day off.
Jemu: While we don't.
Seiya: If you don't mind, I'd like to work on the gravity generator now.
Evang: Be our guest.
Gai: And I should see that my teammates haven't killed each other yet. (Heads for the door.) Miss Hikaru, where are you? (Exits.)
The room is empty, save for three little albinos and a couple of hentai self-inserts.
Ruri: Ano...
Evang: Yes?
Ruri: I was wondering how the pilots got here so quickly, after finding out that Mom fainted.
Evang: Oh, that? (Chuckles, and looks at his sidekick, who is valiantly carrying out a conversation with the younger girls.) It's a secret, hidden deep within the SpaceBar. Would you like to see my secret?
Pervert fanboys: Ooooohhhhh, his "secret." (Guffaws of laughter.)
Ruri: I should slap you. All of you.
Pervert fanboys: Yes, mistress, beat us silly! (Lots of lewd laughter.)
Evang: Look, if you don't trust me, we could take my sidekick along and your sisters as well as we go into the quiet recesses of the station.
Hime: You wouldn't do anything... strange with us, right?
Jemu: (Offended.) Do we look like sexual deviants to you?
Lapis: Should we bother to dignify that with a reponse?
Jemu: I'll take that as a "Yes, we'll come along willingly and trustingly."
Jemu walks to the center of the main lounge and opens the, no, not the gate, the trapdoor. Ruri pulls her sisters behind her and backs away from the two guys.
Ruri: That's the hammerspace honeymoon suite, right? I knew it.
Evang: This? Nahh, it's a hammerspace corridor too.
Lapis: And we're supposed to believe that?
Jemu: OK, if you don't wanna believe, then you go in first, one at a time. As you walk down the stairs, focus on "the Spacebar's secret."
Evang: We'll catch up with you later.
Lapis: How about onee-chan and Ruri come with me first, then you guys one at a time? That way, I can Boson Jump us to safety if you pervs try to do something.
Jemu: If that's how you want it.
Evang: Go, then.
The three sisters head down along the stairs.
Lapis: Something just occurred to me.
Ruri: What?
Lapis: The procedure to get there, to the secret of the SpaceBar...
Ruri: What of it?
Lapis: It strikes me as a little too similar to Boson Jumping.
Hime: Only the destination can be abstract or unknown too the traveler.
Ruri: Hmm. That's right.
The stairs stop onto a landing facing a pair of steel doors. Red letters proclaim that the doors are guarding the secret of the SpaceBar.
Ruri: Well, here goes.
Ruri takes a step toward the doors, and stops as the doors begin to open, inch by slow inch. The sight that greets them renders them speechless.
Ruri: It's... undescribable.
Well, not really. A large vault, walls lined with machinery, monitors, and other devices, beckoned to the three. In the center of the room, there sat...
Ruri: A command chair? What's a command chair doing here?
Hime: Where are our tour guides? Should we go in now or wait for them?
Lapis: I'm going in. (Takes the few steps necessary to bring her across the threshold.)
Ruri & Ruri: NOOO!!!
Their attempt to pull Lapis back fails spectacularly, neither one of them having had too much time for physical activities growing up. As such, they stumble on each other and hurtle into Lapis, who also didn't have fast enough reflexes to dodge. (Aren't albinos cute? Imagine a tangle of three.)
They end up flying across the threshold together and landing in a heap.
All 3: Ouch.
Ruri: Will you two get off of me? Lapis is no weight at all, but I don't remember weighing that much when I was still on the Nadesico-A.
Hime: It's all the good food that Akito - um, I can call him Dad, right, even if I have a real dad somewhere? - cooks for us.
Lapis: Hey, look. (Raising her hands.)
Ruris: Huh?
They look, and see that...
Ruri: Lapis, why are your hand implants glowing?
Hime: Not that, but your face too.
Lapis: I could say the same of your faces. They look like a ship's readouts when it just got hit by a gravity blast.
They take a good hard look at each other.
Ruri: This isn't funny. What is this place?
As if in response, the lights in the room went out, leaving it dark except for where the girls were huddled on the floor. A single shaft of light illuminated the command chair. Lines of silvery light radiated from it, running across the floor, along the walls, onto the ceiling, like a glowing system of roots. The room was bright once more, given light by the strange, yet eerily familiar patterns of lines, lights, and shadows that came from the command chair. The various devices scattered around the room were silhouetted against the gleaming walls. Bewildered, the girls belatedly noticed the rise of the command chair, staring in fascinated horror as it rode atop a huge, similarly patterned, glowing cube.
The children, realizing what the SpaceBar's secret was, and finding themselves right in the middle of it, did the first thing that came to their minds. Their voices rose, then mingled into one soul-rending scream that would have made a banshee proud.
Sadly, no matter how loud their screams were, they went unnoticed, trapped within the bowels of this twisted place.