SpaceBar 9: Clones, Anyone?
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: Ony BOS, Jemu, and Evang are belong to me. If you recognize the badly OOC characters in here, relax, I don't own them, nor do I intend to claim them as my own. The same goes for the series and series concepts mentioned here. But what the hell, who reads crossovers anyway? BTW, if you recognize where the #324b sentence came from... it's not Square's Front Mission, that's for sure. Also, excerpts of "Human Touch", Gundam X's end theme are here. And what a surprise, I don't own the song or the series that it came from either.
NOTE: You might want to read the story "192X", also by this crazy ficker, to get a more or less prequel feel. You're not required to, though.
SCENE 1. Ichiro Oogami, super-playboy extraordinaire and wanted in two countries for heartbreaking, voyeurism, and borderline pedophilia, is sitting up on a hospital bed. Two self-inserts are also in the room.
Jemu: Welcome to the SpaceBar, Mr. Ogami. We've been expecting you.
Oogami: Huh? What happened? Ow, my head-! By the way, you're spelling my name wrong.
Evang: You can tell that, even when we're saying it out loud?
Oogami: Yeah. Comes with the territory. Although if you dropped an 'O', people might think that I'm a different person. Wait, that's not so bad...
Jemu: Considering all the people that are after you, or should I say women, I'd say it's worth a try. So, can we call you just Ogami then?
Ogami: Sure. And if anyone asks, I'm not a pilot.
Evang: Heh, we've heard THAT ONE before.
The self-inserts chuckle for a bit.
Jemu: But he's got black hair.
Evang: But it is spiky black hair.
Ogami: What the hell are you guys talking about? Are you basement queens like the Bara-gumi back at home?
Jemu: Puedeng sapakin?
Evang: Huwag, pasipa muna.
They glare at Ogami, as if deciding whether to beat him up or just toss him back to the waiting arms and charms (and harms) of his 'harem.'
[For those of you who don't read Tagalog, Jemu was asking if he could punch Ogami out. Evang replied "no, not until I've kicked him first."]
Jemu: Back to your question, you passed out, got buried underneath a warehouse and was rescued from a fate worse than death.
Evang: By yours truly. After promising more than your skirt-chasing soul to your would-be rescuers, if any.
Jemu: Which sort of means we own you now. (Strikes "Bad Guy Pose #324: Delivering Bad News.)
Ogami: (Increduluous.) What you say?
Evang: (Striking "Bad Guy Pose #324b: Restating the Obvious.) All your self are belong to us.
Ogami: No! I refuse to believe it.
Evang: Do not struggle. Resisting is futile. BOS, show him.
BOS: Roger, wilco.
A monitor unfolds from the foot of Ogami's bed. It flickers to life, and begins to show the movie "Ogami's Last Stand."
Jemu: Watch and know the truth. Mwahahahahahahahhahaha! (Gasp!Wheeze!)
Ogami watches in silence, disbelief etched in his features, as what appears to him as a huge, khaki Wakiji systematically took out two pissed off Kagekidan. To readers who have seen/played Sakura Taisen, picture a tank with arms and legs wiping out 13 Koubu within 99 seconds. To previous SpaceBar readers, the walking tank is the Terra Walker*.
Ogami: That was you in that... that monster?
Evang: Technically. We were there in spirit,-
Ogami: That won't buy you crap! I want to see it!
Evang: (In a quiet tone.) I'm afraid that would be impossible.
Ogami: And why would that be, huh?
Evang: Because, that machine has been destroyed two episodes ago.* [Play "X-files" intro here.]
Ogami: Ha! So that means that you really didn't rescue me. You don't 'own' me then, because there's no evidence!
Jemu: Yes, there is. Deep inside, you know it to be true. Your honor cannot deny it. And you are bound by honor, yes?
Ogami: I go out on public dates with ten and eleven-year olds. I did one-night stands with my subordinates and then ran like crazy. How much honor does that look like?
Jemu: Oh, I hoped it would not come to this. Please get dressed, and follow us. We shall convince you yet.
Ogami: I doubt it. (Starts removing the PJs he was wearing and pulling on his own clothes.)
BOS: If I might intrude, sirs?
Ogami: Who was that?
Jemu: That was BOS, the heart and soul of our... base, you might say.
Ogami: A living machine, huh? I got it. Kinda like the Koubu.
BOS: SIR! How dare you compare me to those... those... (expletives deleted)! I am a prototype artificial intelligence nexus!
Evang: He can be a real PAIN at times. But that's why we love him.
BOS: Speaking of pain, somebody realy should get Ruri, Ruriruri, and Lapis out of the Boson Jump Control Box before the merger becomes permanent.
Jemu: They're what!?
BOS: Didn't you know? You told them to go to the secret of the SpaceBar! Heven't you been wondering where they have been all this time?
Evang: We were about to go look for them, but we heard a plea for help reaching through time and space.
Jemu: Not to mention series/realities. (Giving Ogami a pointed look.)
Ogami: Hey, I didn't ask you guys to rescue me, I asked for a miracle. So don't go around saying that you didn't do so and so because of me. I could have taken care of things back there, without your help.
Evang: Spoken like a true baka. Jemu, you're the techno-guy, you rescue the girls.
Jemu: Hai. But what will you be doing, eh?
Evang: I'm gonna give our skeptic friend here a little culture shock.
Ogami: Bring it on. (The three men leave the hospital room.)
SCENE 2. The hangar. All traces of the explosions were wiped clean. The brand-new, shiny Zaga-2 is being given a check-up by the one, the only Uri-P when Ogami and Evang walk in.
Seiya: Hey, psychoman, that antique you just brought in is in real bad shape. It's a wonder it didn't fall apart when you brought it here. And how did you do it? The Zaga-2 was here all along, and that design is heavy.
Evang: I'm a psioinic, remember? Not to mention an elementalist mage. Oh, this is Ogami Ichiro. Ogami, this is Seiya Uribatake, genius inventor. You can call him Uri-P for short.
Seiya and Ogami shake hands.
Uri-P: So, hiding from the wife?
Ogami: What! What wife!?
Uri-P: Ah, come on, son, I know the look of a man who's hiding and running away from his women. I've seen a lot of that go around here.
Ogami: I'm not married!
Uri-P: You ought to. Say, you didn't come down here for a birds-and-bees talk, right?
Evang: That antique you just lambasted was his power armor, Uri-P.
Uri-P: Sou ka? If you want it fixed up, you better help me then. It's the first time I've seen anything so old be called a power suit. What does it run on, diesel-gas mixture?
Ogami: Ryoshi crystal, willpower, and steam.
Uri-P: This might be interesting, after all. Follow me.
Meanwhile, in the depths of hammerspace...
PA: IDENTITY VERIFICATION REQUIRED.
Jemu: I didn't know it had this. Fine. I am Jemu, techmage, bartender, and I command you: OPEN THE GATE!
PA: Voice pattern recognized. Identity verified. Welcome, Jemu.
The steel doors slide open, revealing the shining room inside.
Jemu: Holy shit! Girls! Don't give in! Fight it! FIGHT IT!
BOS: (Somewhat subdued.) You sound like you should be in a tuxedo and carrying a cane and roses.
Jemu: Shut up and help me. How do I get them out of here?
BOS: Try sitting in the command chair.
Jemu: That might work. (Runs into the room, pausing to gaze at the "petrified" children before continuing.) Hang on, babies, your parents will drown my joint in saline solution or my blood if you don't, so please.
Hopping into the chair, Jemu jacks in into the cybernetic maze. For what seemed to be hours to him, but in reality only minutes, he sat there in a trance. His breathing suddenly becomes labored, and with a sudden lurch he throws himself off the chair, hitting the floor and convulsing.
BOS: Nekketsu-san, daijobu? Jemu? Jemu!
Jemu: Whis....whisp.....
BOS: What is it?
Jemu: Whispered. We need.... whi.... (Blacks out.)
BOS: Fuck.
The DCA. Home to some rather interesting characters, dead and alive. It is here that BOS speeds his consciousness to, hoping to find some help. Fortunately, he does. He quickly splits among the different apartmens.
BOS: (In a lot of mobile windows.) Everyone, we have a problem.
Gai: I'm in the middle of watching Gekiganger V!
Kaji: Are there children watching? I'm in the shower, you know.
BOS: That's just it! The children are in trouble!
Akito and Yurika: They are!? Where are they?
BOS: They're in the hammerspace node corresponding to the thought form "the heart of the SpaceBar." But you can't help them now. The Artifact has them!
Yurika: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Akito: How did that happen?
Gai: What Artifact? And why is it capitalized?
Minato: (Sleepily, from under the sheets.) I thought we'd seen the last of that thing once and for all.
Tsukurou: What was that, sweetheart?
Yukina: The Boson Jump Control Center is here?
Jun: No way!!!
BOS: Way! Anyhow, Jemu tried to pull the three free formit, and ended up twitching on the floor before passing out. He's stable, as far as I can tell. But hey, I'm no tricorder.
Akatsuki: And so this means...
BOS: We have a crisis, people, and I'd like all of us to meet in the "Command Center" ASAP. Hurry, we don't have much time.
Kaji: Um, can I shave first?
Back at the hangar, the repairs are done.
Evang: So, what did I tell you, Ogami? The thing you watched wasn't manufactured. It wasn't scripted. You were there.
Ogami: I hate to admit, but it looks like you did rescue me with your imaginary Wakiji.
Uri-P: Clear! I'll give it some steam now!
Evang: It wasn't imaginary. Dammit!
They succeed in getting Ogami's Koubu to move. It takes a few steps, turns left and right, and jumps once. It lands perfectly.
Ogami: Looks good. Your reputation is deserved, Uri-P.
Uri-P: Thanks. Hey, wait a sec, which reputation?
BOS: Attention pertinent people. War meeting in "Command Center" ASAP. Attendance mandatory. BOS, out.
Evang: "War meeting"? We have planning sessions, not war meetings. I wonder what's going on.
Uri-P: Why don't we all go and find out? And since it does sound urgent, why don't you come along, Ogami. You look like you know a thing or two about strategy.
Ogami: (Stepping out after returning his Koubu to the wall.) What makes you say that?
Uri-P: How do I say this? You have 'military' stamped all over your face, kid. Just like that Jun Aoi. Although he looks like a good boy, compared to you. Yes, sir.
Ogami: Meaning I look like a-
Evang: Let's finish this later. Come on, slave, we have a war meeting to attend.
Ogami: I'm not your slave! (They exit and head for the hangar.)
Scene 3. The Main Lounge aka "Command Center" was packed with people once more, but for once the mood was not a light one.
BOS: Thanks to you gentlemen for carrying Jemu-san into the infirmary. (The door admits Uri-P, Evang, and Ogami into the room.) Ah, you're here. Everyone, the newcomer is Ensign Oogami Ichirou from the Navy. For the duration of his stay here, please refer to him as Ensign or Ogami.
Ogami: Hello everyone. Can somebody please fill me in on the situation?
Erina: Simply put, we need to abduct one of two people who can free the children trapped in this device we'll henceforth refer to as the Artifact.
Ogami: Hold on. Abduct? As in take forcefully, without permission or consent of the person?
Akatsuki: What are you, a walking dictionary?
BOS: People, please. Now, we know where the targets are. What we're stuck on is how do we extricate one or both of them? Zaga-2 has just been tested for space combat. Ensign, your opinion?
Ogami: I have no idea of what forces you have, but it seems prudent to know the layout of the AO.
Ryoko: AO?
Ogami: That's area of operations, Miss-
Hikaru: Subaru. She's Subaru Ryoko, single, hot-headed, good in close quarters...
After getting flooded with rather comprehensive introductions on everyone present, Ogami's head was reeling. But he managed to keep it in check and remember all the names correctly. Amazing.
Ogami: Takes practice, Mr. Narrator. You'd need a good memorization style if you run into as many women as I do.
Or run away from. Snicker. Snicker.
Ogami: I heard that.
Izumi: I wanted that line. Damn.
Tough luck, Izumi. You've lost your timing, and your comments' wit have dipped into an all-time low.
Izumi: Yeah. you could say I'm out of sink.
Aaaargh! I take it back. Welcome back, cigarette-case.
BOS: Do you mind? I've got a fanfic to attend to!
Sorry.
BOS: Sheesh. Okay, satellite surveillance coming up. (Brings up a window.) Oh, by the way here's what we have on board. (Brings up another window, with the following information:)
I-N-TA-MI-SHI-O-N
UNIT NAME-PILOT/CAN BE PILOTED BY-REMARKS
Gekiganger (Aestivalis) - Yamada Jiro - ("It's Daigouji Gai!")
Aestivalis (6) - Jun, Hikaru, Ryoko, Izumi, Akatsuki, Yurika-- YURIKA?!?!?"
Black Sarena(Pink) - Akito - KICK ASS PILOT
ZAGA-2 - Evang - Unknown planetary performance.
Gekigan Type Daitetsujin - Tsukurou - "Eat your heart out, Gai."
White F2 Koubu- Ogami - Land use only.
Ghost of Terra Walker - ??? - ???
Ogami: Ghost of Terra Walker?
BOS: You got a problem with that name?
Ogami: Why not just call it Ghost Walker for short?
Evang: Good idea.
Ogami: According to this, the AO is the dock area to the school and the apartments residential area?
BOS: DO try to keep collateral damage as minimum as possible. AS IN NONE.
Ogami: No collateral damage. Oh, well, I guess we need a distraction - wait a minute, what do you mean "Unknown planetary performance"? Where did you test it then?
Akito: In outer space.
Ogami: Nanda?
Gai: Out here, among the stars! Take a look! (Parts a curtain.)
Ogami: Eeeeehhhhhhhhhhh???
Izumi: (Noticing Ogami's discomfort.) Look, there's China, and that snaking line is the Great Wall. And there's Japan, and in a few minutes, Europe will come into view. Out of this world, isn't it?
Ogami: This means- We really are- I hate to ask, what is the date today?
Evang: We're currently in 20th century time-space. 1995, I think, January 22nd.
Ogami: 1995... Seventy-five years...
BOS: Um, I think we shouldn't have said that much. He's going into shock, it seems.
Gort: (Reaching out to clasp Ogami's shoulder and turning him around.) Ensign Ogami, snap out of it!
Izumi: Earth to Ogami, come in, please. Hehehehe!
Evang: (Sigh.) You leave me with no choice. (Walks around Ogami, who is still staring out into space, and pokes both index fingers in Ogami's sides, just under the ribs.)
Ogami: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa think I'm alright now. As I was saying, we need a distraction in the harbor. If the person is as important as you say he is, the first thing they'll do is protect him. Those things are powered armor, right?
BOS: Actually, both targets are young teenage girls. One is studying, and the other one is the captain of the ship in the harbor. And yes, those things are powered armor, called Armor Slaves.
Ogami: I can see it now. We stage a diversionary attack, as the first target flees to safety, a second team goes after her. Failing that, we break away and head for the other target. But couldn't we just go for the one in the school and forget about the dock?
BOS: The one in school might not prove to be capable. The one in the ship is more capable in her special abilities, but is heavily guarded, as you can see.
Ogami: Can't we negotiate, or something?
Yurika: We wouldn't be having this war meeting if it were.
Ogami: Oh, yeah, silly me. OK, you heard my suggestion. Time to flesh out the details. #1: Diversion team?
Akatsuki: The Aestivalis will be the Distraction.
Tsukurou: That's a cushy job.
As the two argue, Ogami is looking over the specs of all the units and pilots available to him. This feels good, he thinks to himself. Give me a complex military operation anyday over a weekend of demon-hunting or girl-evading.
Ogami: Your untested unit...
Evang: What of it?
Ogami: Now would be a good time to do so, don't you think? In environs that it might possibly be used in. And why does it say in this note, 'Henkei'?
Evang: Because it does. It can fly in the air, cruise along the ground or hike through uneven terrain if necessary.
Ogami: Ah. An airship, that changes into a Koubu and back? That's new. OK, people listen up!
Everyone turns to face him, each sensing something important is about to be said.
Ogami: Here's the plan. Zaga-2 will act as decoy, drawing fire. Once the first target is moving, some Aestivalis will cover Zaga-2 as it goes after the escape vehicle OR if something screws up with it. If Zaga-2 is downed, the priority is to get it back to HQ ASAP. Wait a sec, how are we supposed to know what the targets look like?
BOS: That's what I was waiting for anyone to ask. (Shows the pictures of the girls, as well as information, in another window.) Oh yeah, watch out for this guy if you're attacking the school. (Shows a boy's face and profile.)
Ogami: Meanwhile, the Daitetsujin and I will cover the school. RP at the schoolgrounds for maximum fear effect, or something. We do have that blue circle of light as a reusable resource, correct?
BOS: Yeah, we do. I almost forgot that they wouldn't survive Boson Jumping without a Class A jumper- what am I saying, Boson Jumping is crazy now that the Artifact is- (Breaks off as Yurika swallows a sob.) Sorry. It must be hard on you and Akito as parents.
Ogami: You still have to tell me what manner of mess their children are in.
Evang: They were caught in a sort of teleportation control device. The device, you may say it's alive, doesn't want to let go. Yurika was captured by it once, but was freed. If a powerful teleporter or Boson Jumper is "attached" to it, and used for war, the results would be horrendous.
Akito: Imagine armor popping in at precise locations instantaneously. Warheads reaching their destination without being shot down. The ultimate surprise attacks.
Akatsuki: Well, at least with the three inside, it would refuse any such attempts to use it, right?
Gort: It does run the risk of permanent adhesion to the Artifact.
Erina: Is that sacrifice really worth it? It seems to me that it's safe enouhg where it is right now, where almost no one can access it.
Evang: By 'no one', I hope you're not talking about the saboteur who managed to get on board and blow up the mech bay.
Now, that shut everybody up.
Ogami: Sorry I asked. The important thing is to get those children out fast so that we can return our would-be captives faster. You've heard the plan. Let's go!
Scene 4. Tokyo Harbor. The Tuatha de Danan is undergoing repairs from its last outing. A squad of M9s are standing guard around it and along the perimeter of the harbor area. Inside, Teletha Tesstalossa and Andrey Kalinin are talking quietly.
Tessa: It's final. I'm going to ask for some leave time and experience life as a sixteen-year old. I'll leave Dana to you; I'm sure you'll take good care of her while I'm gone.
Andrey: (Reading her letter.) You do realize that your leave coincides with the start of school?
Tessa: It does?
Andrey: You're not fooling me for a moment, Tessa. I wonder how they'll react when they find out- speaking of which, where will you stay?
Tessa: I'm sure Sousuke wouldn't mind-
Andrey: That is preposterous! A ranking officer should not be seen behaving improperly, even if she's on leave!
Tessa: To hell with propriety! I'm not an officer when I leave, I'll be a sixteen-year old girl!
Andrey: That doesn't mean you ought to be sleeping in some guy's apartment, no matter how much I respect him! Sousuke's just 17, you know, and did you forget about Kaname Chidori?
Tessa: She stays in her own apartment, doesn't she?
Andrey: And drops in on Sousuke every so often!
Tessa: You're not my father, Major Kalinin.
Andrey: For that I am thankful.
This nice "father-daughter" talk would have gone on and on. Fortunately, a siege is scheduled to take place. They don't know it, of course.
Radar officer: I've got something inbound! Flyer, unknown radar sig!
Tessa: Heading?
RO: Right at us!
Crewman: We have missiles closing in! Distance, 1000 meters!
Andrey: Alert the guards and service crew! Maintain defensive stance around the dock!
Tessa: Do we have a visual?
A loud explosion rocks the submarine as the monitor reveals the Armor Slaves diving for cover.
Andrey: A bombing run. How did they find us?
Tessa: Who knows? Probably another Mithril employee who's not too happy with his payroll.
Andrey: I wonder what they want. (His gaze falls on Tessa.) I wonder...
Tessa: Gaul is dead! You were there, weren't you?
Andrey: Gaul isn't the only one out there. Anyway, we can't stay here.
Crewman: Hey, look! It's touching down!
Andrey: All AS! Fire at the target!
Outside...
Evang: Shimatta! What's wrong now? I'm losing altitude, and I'm hit! I'm hit! Aestivalis, I need some cover here!
Akito: Roger, Zaga-2, I'm on my way.
Gai: Feels like old times. Aaaaahhh! Come along, Jun!
Jun: Do I really have to?
The Zaga-2 just lowers itself to bring its legs and arms out. Smoke is streaming from its fuselage, but it still stands upright.
Evang: Hope you guys don't mind getting used as a wall. (Launches rockets at the Armor Slaves from behind the Aestis.)
Jun: These AS are equipped with energy weapons, right?
Evang: No! They have oversized shotguns and submachineguns and rifles!
Jun: They WHAT?!
Akito: Heads up! We got air trouble!
Gai: I'll take care of those! You two hold it down here.
Gai is back in the air, engaging a trio of assault helicopters and drawing them away from the docks. The Aestis and Zaga-2 continue the firefight.
Jun: More choppers! I think they've got some armor with them too!
Akito: We're getting swamped here! We could use more back-up! Aaarghhh!
Akito's Aesti crashes into the ground as a well-placed, well-timed bullet hits him in the back.
Yurika: AKITO!!!
Ryoko: Tenkawa!!
Izumi: Anybody know his middle name?
Hikaru: That's our cue! Here come the cavalry!
Ryoko: You make any horse jokes and I'll kill you!
Evang: They seem to have caught on to our plan and they're not moving the target. I'm going to have to close in! Ouch, those shotguns really hurt!!!
Jun: EVANG! Zaga-2 is downed! Subaru-san, where are you?
Ryoko: We're north of you, keeping more of these grunts from coming in! Damn, I hate city fights!
Hikaru: Yeah, there's no room to dash around in!
Izumi: I don't know, it works for me. (Pops from behind a building and snipes a chopper carrying an AS. It explodes, and the AS does not survive the fall.)
Yurika: Could someone tell those choppers not to move too fast? I'm getting dizzy here.
Ryoko: Did she say she was going ditzy?
Hikaru: We already knew that. Five years in that Artifact didn't change a thing, so why should five minutes in combat?
Evang: Hey, champion womanizer, get over here!
Ogami: I'm in position at the school, baka. I'm staking out the place.
Akatsuki: He means me. And that's ex-champion womanizer!
Akatsuki flies in, his custom unit and weapons balancing out the expertise of the M9 soldiers. One by one, the AS are forced out of their hiding places and are promptly shot down by Jun.
Jun: Must protect Tenkawa! Must not make Yurika cry! Ouch!!! Must also return to Yukina!!! MUST NOT DIE!
Gai: No one's going to die! We are heroes! We are the main cast!
Evang: Somehow (Pushes the Zaga-2 to its feet, now in Soldier mode.) that doesn't seem to reassure me. X-ray scan reveals that she is- hello, there!
Zaga-2 builds up energy in its left fist and drives it through the reinforced hull. It makes a nice, big hole, almost crushing Andrey and Tessa in the process. It doesn't though, but instead drives them apart.
Andrey: Kanchou, daijobu?
Tessa: Hai. What about you?
Dropping its rifle, Zaga-2 takes hold of both sides of the hole and pulls it wider, the creaking metal painful to be heard.
Evang: Gyaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!
Jun: Look, a missile launch!
Gai: Wow, that's a huge one! Bigger than Gekigan Missiles! I'm not touching that one.
Akatsuki: You're a mess, Tenkawa.
Akito: This sucks.
Meanwhile at the school, Kaname was getting real cozy-like, leaning over Sousuke's shoulder as she walked him through a history textbook.
Kaname: And in 1944, a couple of cities were- Hey, what's continuous beeping sound?
Sousuke: You can hear it? It means that the Arbalest has been launched toward me. I've got to get out of here, or else the building will get in the way.
Kaname: Come on, the soccer field is empty! This way!
The two make a run for it, all the while being observed by someone in a white, cheap Dumbine rip-off.
Ogami: They are moving. The spirit radar can still follow them. Are you reading this, Tsukurou?
Tsukurou: Just give the word and I'll be coming down like a thunderstorm.
Ogami: All teams report in!
Yurika: This isn't fun at all!
Ryoko: It isn't supposed to be!
Akatsuki: Harbor secured. We're just opening a can here- wait-
Evang: Package secured! Ogami, be on the lookout for a white power armor that will be dropping in near your location.
Ogami: Don't worry, I'll have Daitetsujin drop in to confront it. While it's distracted, I'll grab the girl.
Tsukurou: That's your expertise, right? Grabbing girls.
Akatsuki: I want that job. If only my secretary wouldn't find out or kill me if she does find out.
Akito: Oooohhh. Juicy gossip. Tell some more.
Akatsuki: What can I say? She's a demon in the sack.
Hikaru: Instead of gossiping, help us out here, will you?
Izumi: It's raining men over here. Just what you "girls" like, eh?
Akito: Actually, that's Gai's schtick.
Gai: Explain yourself, fry-boy!!!
Akito: I meant you want lots of enemies to fight off, so go there!
Gai: Ah, yes, a chance to show-off in front of the beautiful Miss Hikaru! Go go Gekigan Booster!!!
Gai flies off in his Aesti to assist the beleaguered women. A blue portal opens on the docks, and Akito's Aesti is thrown in by Jun and Akatsuki.
Akatsuki: Oi, aren't you going to send her in as well?
Evang: We're better off heading for the school and assisting Ogami and Shiratori. I've seen what that Arbalest can do.
Jun: But you run the risk of losing the captive if you continue. Your Zaga-2 doesn't seem to be unscathed either.
Evang: In that case, here, Akatsuki. (Passes Tessa to the Nergal prez.) Be a gentleman and escort her back to the SpaceBar. And no funny business, do you hear me? Jun, let's go.
Jun: I'd rather go help out Yamada-san.
Gai: (With a loud scream from halfway across the city.) IT'S DAIGOUJI GAI!! THAT IS THE TRUE NAME OF MY SOUL!!!
Evang: Suit yourself. Bye bye.
Evang enters Hybrid mode and speeds off. Jun also flies off in Gai's direction, leaving Akatsuki and the captive behind.
Akatsuki: My, but aren't you a pretty one. Sorry about the suits, but we had the feeling you wouldn't come peacably.
Tessa: What is it you want with me?
Akatsuki: Actually, it's not just you we're after. You also have a friend, another girl I believe has the same powers as you. Although you look nothing more to me than a pretty 16-year old girl.
Tessa: [Thinking] Oh no, does he mean... I must warn her then. Chidori-san, be careful, they're out to get you as well.
Akatsuki: Anyway, in we go through this blue circle of light. We can wait for your friend on the other side, hmm?
Kurz: I have a shot...
Melissa: No. If you hit him, he might drop the Captain.
Kurz: You heard what he said, he'll be taking her somewhere! And I'm betting that the 'other girl' is Kaname-chan - hey! Where are you going?!
Melissa: I'd like to see where this guy is taking her. So I'm going in, whether you decide to come along or not is your decision. I've made mine.
Kurz: (cursing in German) Thank heavens for the cloaking technology on our M9 Armor Slaves.
WARNING! WARNING! UNIDENTIFIED MILITARY HARDWARE DETECTED!
BOS: Let's see. Evang is still out there, Akatsuki, hasn't brought the captive in yet, only Akito's here, then. Hmm............................... that's it, we're bloody dead.
Meanwhile back at the soccer field, the Arbalest and Daitetsujin were duking it out in old-school hand-to-hand robo combat. Daitetsujin is getting the short end of the stick, however, as its attacks just bounce off its Lambda Drive-generated shield.
Sousuke: [Thinking] What kind of enemy is this? It looks like one of those super robots from that strategy game Kaname taught me how to play. Its arms even come off and shoot themselves at me!
Tsukurou: [Thinking] I must keep the innocents from harm, but I cannot allow myself to fall back without even scratching this foe! I must try this out, even once! [Aloud] GEKIGAN BIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMUU!
Ogami: [Watching from the sidelines] What the hell? Such power!
Sousuke: [Thinking] High-powered chest-mounted energy weapons? Now this is really freaky. Really just like the game.
Due to that last train of thought, the Lambda Drive fluctuates a little. The Arbalest catches the gravity blast and is pushed back, meter by precious meter. It stops sliding, then starts again.
Ogami: [Thinking] It's busy now! Never have I seen something that big move that fast! CHANCE!! (Blasts off toward the fray. Rather, toward Kaname.)
Kaname: SOUSUKE!! FIGHT BACK! YOU CAN DO IT! [Hears a sound and turns] What in the world-!?
Ogami: Hey, there, cutie, you're coming with me! (Takes Kaname and speeds away.) Ogami to all units! Fall back! We have the second one! BOS, we are ready for extraction at RP!
BOS: We have a problem, people! We've been infiltrated by a couple of stealth units. I don't want to risk a portal, you might end up getting shot in the back.
Ogami: What do you mean? What the hell do we do now? [Turns his attention to the built-in kinematron inside his F2 Koubu.] Holy flames! Daitetsujin is down. I repeat, Daitetsujin is down!
Missiles streak in and splatter against the Arbalest. Turning to face the source, it fires its shotgun at the red and white intruder.
Evang: BOS, eject the hammerspace node where the M9s are.
BOS: Say what? You can't be serious! Hammerspace is our power source, and you want us to eject more than 10% of it?
Evang: I'd rather have a small, clean house than a huge rat-infested one.
BOS: Alright. On your head be it. Ejecting hammerspace fragement, now!
A blinding glow surrounds the SpaceBar. When it recedes, the SpaceBar was still there, although a good 500 meters shorter. A similar glow appears on the harbor.
Akatsuki: What's going on?
BOS: Akatsuki, get out of there NOW! A pair of stealth AS are inbound for your location. GO!
Akatsuki: You don't have to tell me twice! Proceeding to Rendezvous Point.
Inside the cockpit of a still unknown unit, a tactical screen shows the positions and status of the different units involved in the fight. On yet another, the names of the units and their structural integrity and energy levels are shown. The Aestivalis were holding out well, even Yurika, but their power was dangerously low. Meanwhile, an unstoppable Arbalest was chasing down Ogami's Koubu and a damaged Zaga-2. Two blinking blips, representing stealth units, were making their way after Akatsuki and Tessa.
"This looks bad," an unknown voice, presumably the pilot, said. "Time to mop this place up. Or rather, MAP this place up." Flipping a switch, he engaged a weapons system and selected some points. A few seconds later, nearly a hundred missiles were seen on the radar, leaving very thick smoke trails visible to anyone that wasn't blind.
Hikaru: How much longer is this going to take?
Yurika: My battery's almost dead!
Izumi: If we dry up, we'll be like those batteries too!
Ryoko: Daigouji, conserve your power! No more ramming those things!
Gai: No worry! Hey, what's this flashing on my control panel?
Each of the pilots took a look at their flashing screens.
Jun: Missiles inbound? Who could it be?
Yurika: Don't panic, everybody! Those are not targeting us!
Ryoko: She's right!
Gai: Ano, look behind you!
They do, and gasp.
Yurika: Isn't that-?
Jun: But wasn't it-?
Izumi: (Bringing out her ukulele and starting to chant.) We will pray for your tormented soul/ But right now please save our hides/ Ayayayaaaaaaaa!
Hikaru: I wonder who's piloting it, then. Are there really such things as ghosts? Gai, you don't seem at all shocked at this.
Gai: It's no biggie. I mean, I'm back from the dead, right? What's to stop a 20-meter war machine from doing the same?
Ryoko: Put that way, it makes eerily perfect sense.
A blue circle appears in the sky above them, being visible because it's much darker and swirls like a whirlpool. The Ghost Walker aims its cannon toward the dug-in AS, and energy begins to gather on the tip.
???: Get behind me or risk dying. If you can, fly toward the gate.
Gai: What gate? You mean that blue swirly thing? Who are you anyway?
???: I am someone you all know, someone who has come to help. Hurry now, before they figure out that the energy cannon is just a dud.
Jun: Psychological warfare, huh? Who am I to complain? Um, you don't mind if we use your unit as a stepladder, right?
In response, the Ghost Walker grabs Jun and hurls him into the gate.
Jun: I guess you do mind. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
???: When you step through, it's like hammerspace. Just think of your destination and you're there. Now who's next?
One by one, the Aestis are hurled into the vortex. The army AS decided that the light show was just that, and commenced shooting at the rescue operation. To complicate matters further, Akatsuki comes jumping in from building to building, and Ogami and Evang wheel in as well, a pissed- off Sagara Sousuke in hot pursuit.
???: Ogami, approach me, immediately! I will help get you out of here!
Ogami: Ayiiiii! Aren't you the ghost of the dead machine?
???: No time for questions! You too, Akatsuki, the captives must be sent to safety! The gate is a hammerspace crack! Instruct Ogami to use it, and take the girls as well!
Evang: Yeah, go ahead! We'll hold them off, or rather, I'll try to hold off this angry boyfriend. He seems displeased that we borrowed both of his girls simultaneously, and without asking permission to boot.
A lot can happen in one minute. Two small mecha can be hurled into the air, an automatic shotgun can be emptied into a couple of enemies, an entire armored division taken out by just one energy blast, a transformable can explode, and a white mobile suit equipped with Black Technology can disappear into God-knows-where by super-jumping into a blue circle of light and energy.
Scene 5. The mech bay/hangar. The atmosphere is tense, as it's Ogami in his cute little white Koubu facing down Sousuke who is currently out of the Arbalest. With good reason, as Akatsuki is holding a gun to Tessa's back. Somewhat drained from teleporting away form certain death, the local red mage settles for a knife and uses it to keep Kaname from trying anything stupid. The captives are quite a distance from the face-off, out of respect for Sousuke's in-fighting abilities, and as a final precaution, Gort is covering the whole setup with a submachine gun. Everyone else in the last mission was standing near the door, ready to block passage.
Ogami: You might be wondering why we took your girlfriends. In your place, I'd be wondering too. Rest assured, though, that no harm will come to them if no one does anything dumb. Like escaping.
Akatsuki: Oi, that really sounds like it should be one of my lines!
Evang: (Sighing) Talk to the director later. We're in the middle of a hostage situation right now.
He he glances to Akito and Yurika, and gives them a small nod. Seeing this, Sousuke makes a run for Kaname, but Gort reacts quickly and stops him with a burst of gunfire. A bullet unluckily hits one of Sousuke's legs, sending him crashing onto the floor, whereupon the Koubu promptly picks him up and holds him in its grasp.
Tessa: Sagara-kun!
Kaname: Sousuke!!
Ogami: Like I said, no one will be hurt unless they try something dumb. Case in point, this rescue attempt.
Evang: BOS, set up a somewhat straight passage to the Artifact. We'll explain to our beautiful guests what we desire of them once we're there.
Kaname: Great. I get kidnapped by perverts. Again.
Evang: I'd love to respond to that, but your capture took longer than expected. The children may be in grave danger now.
Kaname: I don't give a rat's- wait, what children?
Tessa: (Telepathically) I think it's just a way to soften us up, Chidori-san. The must have been hoping that at least one of us is a softie.
Kaname: (Responding to Tessa) Still, if there really are children that require our help, I will.
Tessa: {What sort of mess could a couple of living Black Technology data dumps help out with?}
Kaname: {We're here to find out, aren't we?}
BOS: Done. The passage won't remain stable long, so I suggest you move now.
Ogami: What about this guy? Sousuke Sagara? You don't want him running loose, right? Do you have a brig?
Evang: Nahh. Never had a use for one, until now. We could just let you stomp around in the Koubu and grip him.
Uri-P: Wow, what thing of wondrous beauty! (Stares at the Arbalest with starry eyes and starts drooling.)
Evang: (Pausing in the act of ushering Kaname through the doors.) Oh, and Seiya? Don't worry if you break the Armor Slave while exploring it, just make sure that BOS takes a good look at it before you touch anything, OK?
The Aesti pilots, the captives, and the self-insert make their way along the quiet corridor. The atmosphere is still, like that of an empty cathedral. Their footsteps echo ahead of them, heralding their approach, announcing their progress.
Tessa: It's like we're walking through an endless corridor. All grey wall, whether forward or backward.
Kaname: At least there aren't any critters running around. This corridor is remarkably clean.
Tessa: Totally devoid of life, you mean. If it weren't for the sound of our footsteps and voices- uh, it feels like a funeral march.
Kaname: And the air is, is, clean. No smells whatsoever.
They stop in front of the massive steel doors. As the last echoes died out, Evang steps forward, still not letting go of his hold on Kaname.
Voice: Identity verification required. State your name and other pertinent information.
Evang: It's as if the voice has softened. Could the children have had something to do with this?
Voice: Identity verification required. State your name and other pertinent information. You have ten seconds.
Evang: I am called Evang, and you know me. Now let us pass.
Voice: Please wait for retinal scan, voice analysyis, and psywave pattern check to complete. Completed. You may enter, Evang-san. We're getting kind of cramped in here.
The steel doors opened, and Tessa and Kaname gasp at the sight that greets them. So do the others. Perfectly formed statuary of the missing children, crafted from the bio-technological influence of the Artifact, in poses that told a story of fear.
Yurika: Nnnnnnnnooooooooooo!!! (Her knees buckle, and Akito catches her.) Ruri, Lapis, no, not you too!
Akito: So it was here all along? And you never had the nerve to tell us?
Evang: I honestly didn't know myself until recently. But now that I have seen it, and have heard the personal comment at the door...
Hikaru and Ryoko start sobbing like schoolgirls. Izumi just stood there, letting her friends drench her flightsuit. Gort and Akatsuki, as usual, stood stoic as ever. Jun, like Izumi, was just staring at the sheer atrocity of the room, why it was all bright and sparkling so cheerfully in the face of such sadness that it wrought.
Evang: I take full responsibility for what happened, and thus I came up with this plan. Miss Chidori, please walk up the steps. Remember that if you want to try anything that we currently hold Sousuke's and Tessa's lives in our hands.
Kaname: As if that knife of yours would let me forget. I'm walking, I'm walking- what the hell is one of those doing up here?
Tessa: Kaname, what is it?
Kaname: It's one of those things. Like in the heart of your ship.
Tessa: A Radichavel? What's a piece of Black Technology doing here?
Evang: So, it is Black Technology. We don't know why it's there either, but when my partner, who is not Whispered but is gifted in other ways, tried to use it, he...
BOS: He went into convulsions and is now comatose. He thought he could use his gift to talk to the device and ask it to release the children, and it scrambled his brain instead.
Kaname: And you want me, you want Tessa and me to-
Evang: (Falling on his knees, just right for a kick in the face) I beg you, please, give it a shot. You can even link up with Tessa if you need the extra security.
Tessa: {He knows, Chidori-san. How?}
Kaname: {I don't know, but the question is, are you willing to help them?}
Akito drops to his knees as well in front of Tessa. He even goes so far as to take one of her hands in both of his.
Akito: Please. My daughters don't deserve any of this. It was the only reason why we abducted you, to find out if you could save them. If it turns out that... that you couldn't, we'll send you three back.
Evang: Akito speaks on my behalf. What he says, if it's about the three, goes.
Tessa: I, well... {What do we do?}
Kaname: {Whatever we have to do. Remember, they might let Sousuke bleed to death if we don't try.}
Evang: Oh, I would never do such a thing. It's not my style, and I find it disgusting and dishonorable.
Tessa: You... You can hear us? You can hear us all along?
Akito: What are they talking about, Evang-san?
Evang: That I can hear them even though they were speaking to each other with their minds.
Back in the hangar...
Ogami: Uri-P, take a break.
Uri-P: Breaks? Who needs them? The thrill of discovery is enough to sustain me. More than enough.
Ogami: But it doesn't cut butter for me. And if I run out of power to give to the Ryoshi crystal, we're both dead. You can kiss your discoveries goodbye, then.
Uri-P: Oh, all right. What will you be having, then?
Ogami: Something with lots of calories and will keep me awake.
Back to the problem...
Evang: What is your decision, then?
Kaname: I'll give it a try.
Tessa: Chidori-san!
Kaname: I'm not asking you to try if you don't want to, Tessa. {Although they might force you to act, using Sousuke.}
Tessa: {You're right. I will help you, Kaname.}
Evang: {A wise choice, my dear captain.}
Tessa: {What are you doing?}
Kaname: {You can talk telepathically as well?}
Evang: {It's all a matter of frequency searches.} I wish you luck, Miss Chidori.
Akito: She's going to try ans save them, then?
Yurika: Thank you. Even if you might fail, we still thank you. At least you didn't just stand there watching.
Akatsuki: Hold on, what's wrong with this girl?
Gort: She fainted, it seems.
Evang: No, she's in a trance to merge with Kaname here. Speaking of which...(Picks Kaname up as she slumps as well and placing her in the Radichavel) There. It's all in their hands, now. The rest of you can leave now if you want to.
Ryoko: And what do you take us for?
Jun: Did you think we can just abandon our friends just like that?
Hikaru: We're staying. When they return, we'll be here to welcome them back.
Izumi: I have a question, though. Why didn't the Artifact take Akito or Yurika when they stepped into the room?
Evang: I think it's full. Ever tried eating three hotdog sandwiches end to end, without stopping?
Akatsuki: If you're sure you can handle things here (Pocketing his pistol after setting it to safe) I have some business to attend to with Erina.
Jun: 'Business', huh? Is that what they call it now? (Attempts a weak smile.)
Gort: I'll be going as well. Let's go, Chairman.
Evang: You know the way out. Oh, and go check on the hangar, will you? It's gotten awfully quiet there.
SCENE 6. Kaname and Tessa are floating, nude and featureless save for their faces, in the depths of the Artifact.
Tessa: What do we do, now that we're inside?
Kaname: Look for the children, I guess.
Tessa: I didn't get a good look at them earlier. Did you?
Kaname: Nope. Me neither. I wonder how Sousuke is feeling right now. He was shot earlier, wasn't he?
Tessa: Can you really bleed to death from a bullet wound in your leg?
Evang: Not to worry, his injury has been seen to. The wound has been cleaned and the slug taken out.
Kaname: How did you get in here?
Evang: I'm not in with you, per se. I am in your heads, for lack of a better term. Think of me as your help menu.
Tessa: That's rather handy. So, where to?
Evang: I think that's a question better shouted out to your surroundings rather than whispered. No pun intended, of course.
Kaname: Here goes: WHERE ARE YOU!?!
Tessa: And then?
Evang: You wait for a reply and home in on it.
Tessa: We're just supposed to float here and wait for a message to come back?
Evang: Well, captain, you can pass the time with girl talk. I don't mind, I haven't been to a girls' gab session before.
Kaname: Well, we do mind. It's tantamount to stepping in a schoolgirls' comfort room.
???: WHO'S THERE?!?!?!
Tessa: Did you hear that?
Kaname: A response! WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE YOU!!
Tessa: WE NEED YOUR LOCATION!!
???: CAN YOU REALLY?!
???: WE DON'T KNOW WHERE EACH OTHER IS!!
Kaname and Tessa: Eeeeeeeehhhh?
Evang: Ask for Lapis Lazuli to call out.
Kaname: AH, LAPIS LAZULI? ARE YOU THERE?!
???: (Weakly) YES!
Tessa: I think she's this way. But she sounds so far and weak.
Kaname: Let's hurry, then. All this shouting out loud, even telepathically is giving me a sore throat.
After endless minutes of floating (that's endless frustrated minutes for our friends the Rabid Pervert Fanboys), the two come across a small sphere of pale pink light.
Kaname: Ano, what's this?
Tessa: It must be her avatar in this place. Lapis Lazuli, are you in there?
Lapis: No. This is me. Are you friends of Papa?
Kaname: Um, sort of. He asked us to get you out of this place, and I can see why. By the way, I'm Chidori Kaname. This is Tessa.
Tessa: Hello. Oh, excuse me, I must talk to our guide. Okay, Evang-san, now what?
Evang: You have to return her to a semblance of her body. Until she reaches a state like the ones you and Kaname are in, she can't help you out.
Kaname: And how do you propose to do that?
Evang: Stay with her a while and talk her humanity to come back. The longer you stay, the faster she will recover herself.
Tessa: Don't we run the risk of diffusing as well?
Evang: Something about your brains and brainwave patterns were altered thanks to your being Whispered. It's still probably confusing the Artifact, so work quickly.
Kaname: Right then. So, Lapis, what's your hair color like? Do you like having that shade of hair?
Lapis: It's pale pink. Sometimes I wish it was darker, but Mama said that it goes well with my coloring. Personally, I don't care. People won't leave you or love you because of hair color, right?
Tessa: That's right. Although the world can be cruel at times, judging people by their appearance. You can see us, can't you?
Lapis: A little. What color is your hair, Tessa?
Tessa: My hair is white. People say it's platinum blonde, but I disagree. I say, call things as they are. I don't mind having white hair, even though it does make me look older. At least it stays white, not unlike Kaname's.
Kaname: Nani? What's wrong with my hair?
Tessa: For one thing, it's green-blue. Kind of like the algae.
Kaname: Oh, yeah? You don't look older, you look old, like a witch!
Tessa: Sousuke doesn't seem to think so. In fact, I think he likes it. He hasn't said a word otherwise, has he?
Kaname: That's because you're his CO! He's been drilled to respect senior officers, the operative word being senior!
Tessa: Will you get off the age track? Or is your limited mental capacity unable of even such a simple topic change?
Kaname: You want a topic change? Fine, you are a wuss! Sousuke would never consider a relationship with someone unable to cope physically with him, like you!
Tessa: Me? You're the one that suffers from low blood pressure in the mornings! And as to my alleged wussiness, I'll have you know, I've done AS with Sousuke during his summer break, and he never said anything bad about my performance! He even praised me! [Pant! Wheeze! Blush.]
Kaname: That's nothing! AS, indeed! He probably doesn't want to look at your face, that's why! Has he taken you "fishing"? Has he shown you his "private spot"? No? Well, I was with him when he did both, and all I can say is, he's good with his rod!
Lapis: Ano, are you two talking like hentai? I didn't believe it was possible for girls to do so, but I think I've changed my mind.
The two Whispered gasp, and turn to face Lapis. They gasp again.
Tessa: You're back. Um, what I mean is, you have your body back. Sort of.
Kaname: {Hello, Evang-san? We have Lapis back to normal. I think.}
Lapis: Hentai onii-san is here inside as well? Is that how you found me?
Tessa: No. We can talk to him through our minds. He's the one who told us to go for you first.
Evang: {OK. Good work, Kaname-chan, Tessa-chan. Now, ask Lapis to bring you to Ruri-chan using a Boson Jump. Take note, Ruri-chan and not Ruri-san.}
Kaname: {Nani? There's a difference?}
Evang: {Captain Ruri Hoshino might have a better chance of resisting assimilation than the younger Ruri. The Captain is around Tessa's age, and the younger one has yet to enter puberty.}
Tessa: {Another young Captain? She must be pretty special. I can't wait to meet her. The naming convention is strange, though.}
Kaname: {Sou ka. Giving two girls the same name? Their parents must have been in an uncreative patch when the younger one came out.}
Evang: {Um, we can talk about names later. Right now, you need to see to the youngest of the brood.}
Lapis: Ano, onee-san, daijobu? You seemed pretty quiet back there.
Kaname: Hai. Listen, Lapis, can you do a Boson something and take us to your other sister? Not your Ruri-neesan.
Lapis: I'll try. We have to hold hands, though.
Kaname takes one of Lapis' hands in her left hand. Tessa clasps Kaname's right hand with her left, and reaches for Lapis' remaining hand. All three close their eyes, and disappear in a bright, sudden flash. They reappear next to a small, pale lilac sphere of light.
Tessa: {Oh, dear, it's no bigger than my fist. Are we too late?}
Evang: {There might still be time. Now, don't break your circle, and try to maneuver so that the sphere is between you three.}
Kaname: {Done. What's next, then?}
Evang: {The hardest part. Pray and wait, and hope that she feels more for the real world than this one.}
Lapis: Maybe... if we touch it, do you think...?
Tessa: It couldn't hurt to try.
Kaname: Nothing to lose in trying, right? Besides, it might make the process faster.
Tessa: There's a song my father used to sing to me when I was feeling unwell, but really nothing wrong with me. I think part of it goes like:
"When you find love in your heart/ You can believe from the start/ Dreams they come true/ When I'm with you, oh, all at once/ If you believe in human touch."
Kaname: Do you know, that song seems rather familiar. Doesn't it begin like: "Can I find the words to tell you/ How I live between the walls of steel and stone?"
Tessa: "How I search my life/ To find some sort of rapture/ In a world where you can feel/ So all alone."
Kaname: "Inside, I'm full of light and laughter/ There's a flame than burns in me/ I need a way to set it free..."
Lapis: Minna-san, look!
The three girls watch as the sphere spins and begins to grow, like a starcloud accumulating matter. It glows more brightly as it becomes larger, finally slowing down and resolving to the figure of the young Ruri.
Rabid Pervert Fanboys: Nooooooo! Not another ssssmooth one! We hatessss the writer, we do, preciousssssss!!!
Lapis: Ruri-chan, daijobu?
Ruri: Hai. Who are they, onee-chan?
Lapis: The one with green hair is Kaname-neesan. The one with white hair is Tessa-neesan. They came here to rescue the three of us.
Tessa: We're pleased to meet you, Ruri.
Kaname: You can tell us what it was like on the oter side later, if you want to. Right now, we have to rescue your older sister.
Ruri: I heard a song... I didn't want to leave exploring the Artifact, but I wanted to hear it fully, all at once.
Kaname winked at Lapis and Tessa. Smiling, they opened up the circle to include the younger Ruri.
Lapis: Next, stop, Ruri-neesan. Hold on, minna.
[INSERT PREVIOUS BOSON JUMP SEQUENCE HERE, EXCEPT THIS TIME, THERE ARE FOUR LINKS IN THE CHAIN.] The four are surprised when they materialize to find Captain Hoshino, whole as possible in this weird world they're in, waiting for them with a bored look on her face.
Ruri: It's just as I figured your plan of action would be. I thank you, minna-sama, for coming to my rescue. Although I did expect you earlier. Perhaps if you sang when you rescued Lapis?
Tessa: That's a rather interesting un-welcome for your rescuers, Captain Hoshino. If it wasn't for the fact that I believe in families staying together, we would have Boson Jumped out of here and left you inside.
Kaname: Not to mention we got the scare of our lives getting kidnapped in broad daylight! There was even a super robot fight in the school soccer field!
Tessa: At least you didn't have a ship that got totalled while it was being repaired! And I haven't given my request for shore leave before getting abducted!
Kaname: Huh? You, going on leave? As in a vacation? To where?
Tessa: I thought I could experience a whole school year with Sousuke. And you as well, Chidori-san.
Kaname: And where do you expect to stay? I'm rather fond of a solitary apartment, thank you very much.
Tessa: (Grinning slyly.) Oh, I'm used to sharing. I have Lieutenant Mao, I mean Melissa, as my bunkmate back at the ship. And if I lived through her beer cans and cigarette butts, living with Sousuke would be so a breeze.
Kaname: What!? You're moving in with him!? You shameless hussy!!!
Ruri: Ano, shouldn't we be rescuing me right now, instead of fighting over your boyfriend?
Tessa: You're right, Captain. We shouldn't be arguing, not at a time like this. (Smiles smugly.)
Kaname: I ought to take you to wonder-girls by the hair and slam you together, but without a real body it just isn't the same.
Hime: Sou desu yo.
Meanwhile, inside one of the Geofront's laboratories...
Rei: Ha-choo.
Ai: Is something wrong, Ayanami-chan?
Asuka: Is something wrong? She sneezes like she was reading a textbook, and you ask what's wrong?
Shinji: That's the norm for her, Ai-san.
Ritsuko: Asuka, keep a lid on that temper. Remember, we're testing the Hyper Turbo Lemon solution under normal conditions.
Misato: She's right, Asuka. By the way, Shinji, (Grins evilly) those trunks look good on you. They're rather small, don't you think?
Shinji: [Thinking] I've been standing chest-deep in this weird red liquid for over thirty minutes now. At least the liquid isn't as transparent as I feared it would be. And it doesn't smell like blood, thank heavens.
Misato: So, Dr. Fressange, how do you feel working for NERV?
Ai: Can't complain. Work is work, and for me, work is good. Sure beats the hell out of being used to further annoy those hentai otaku.
Rabid Pervert Fanboys: Hey! We resent that remark!
RPF Leader: Wait, does that mean that there won't be anymore risque scenes coming up between her and Ritsuko-sama?
RPF Mob: Nooooooo, precioussssssss!!! You will die a hundred deathsssess, Jemu Nekketssssssssu!!!
Back in the SpaceBar's core...
Evang: I feel a movement of force, lots of it. I think they made it, everyone! Yeah!
The "corrupted" area of the room began to shrink, from the outside going in, as if it was all being sucked back into the Artifact. First the walls and ceiling, then the floor, the kneeling figures of the children finally recovering their color and features. They look around, blinking owlishly at their surroundings, and are soon embraced by their tearful parents. There is much rejoicing in the endzone.
Evang: [Thinking] Good, they're safe. Now, for these two. [Climbs up the steps to the Radichavel and lifts Kaname's limp form out of it.] Good grief, that's it, I'm not jealous of Sagara-san anymore. I used to think that being tackled by Kaname-chan was great, but- OWWW!! [Drops Kaname to the floor and cups his nose.] Dang, gat hurt!
Kaname: Itai! (Rubs her shapely bottom.) Serves you right though, for insinuating I'm fat.
Evang: I ninn't say annthin.
Kaname: (Standing up.) You were still thinking it. That mind-meld we shared earlier still hasn't worn off, it seems.
Evang: No shit Madame Curie. Gee, I wonder how long it takes to wear off completely.
Kaname: You mean you don't know? (Bends over to check on Tessa, still lying on the floor.)
Evang: (Glances unfortunately and gets a nosebleed.) Aaaahhh.... uhhhhhh...
what the hell, I'm not even Japanese!
Kaname: Stop it before I really give you a bloody nose.(Straightens)Tessa, wake up, this pervert is trying to look up your skirt.
Tessa: (Sitting up immediately, knees pressed together) He's what?!
Back in the hangar, Ogami, Akatsuki, and Gort are playing cards. Uri-P is whistling to himself as he delves into the Arbalest's secrets. Sousuke has been tied to the Koubu's leg, and his ankles and wrists are securely bound as well. This sight greets the two Full Metal Panic girls and the psionic self-insert when they enter.
Evang: [Looks at how Sousuke is bound] Alright, who's the Boy Scout?
Ogami: It can get pretty lonely out at sea. We ocean men have to do something to pass the time.
Evang: What, playing bondage games with your fellow crewmen?
Ogami: I'd kick your ass for that, but I'm in the middle of a game right now. Hey, who dropped the king?
Akatsuki: I did. Anyone countering it?
Gort: Not me. Pass.
Ogami: Pass as well.
Akatsuki: You gentlemen are so kind. (Plays more cards from his hand.) Four sixes, and a three to boot. All done.
Evang: Great, Akatsuki-san. You can help me get these two to the main lounge and send them back.
Akatsuki: So soon? I thought we could, you know, have some fun with them. Just a little.
Tessa: You promised to let us go after we've rescued the children. Well? Does your word mean so little?
Evang: At least stay until the celebration is ended. Better yet, stay until Sousuke's wound has been healed.
Sousuke: No need for such kindness. We're ready to leave.
Uri-P: But I'm not! I still have to crack this baby open! I must know its secrets! You can't go!!!
Kaname: I thought you said earlier that you've seen to Sousuke's injury.
Evang: I did. I performed psychic surgery on his leg, but I didn't have enough power to heal his wound. It will have to heal on its own, naturally.
Kaname: Great. How long will that take? I'm sure people will be looking for us.
Evang: You'll pop back, somehow managing to escape your abductors, with the help of Sagara-kun. You'll be in the news for a few days, then it's over.
Tessa: You still haven't answered how long you intend to keep us here.
Evang: Ask Sousuke. Personally, I make it a point not to get shot. It stings like the damn hell when it starts healing. Oh, and ask for an honest answer. Your boyfriend is fond of the Kouha style of living.
Ogami: Kouha? I've heard that somewhere before.
Evang: You know, tough, macho, military silent type with a rod up his tailpipe. "Oh, it's nothing, just my intestines spilling out."
Kaname: Well, Sousuke?
Sousuke: A week. Give or take a couple of days. Depends on what the patient is subjected to.
Kaname: A week? But school resumes in a week! Next week!
Tessa: And I haven't finalized my plans- oh, no, Mithril might decide not to grant my leave, and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!
Kaname: Really? I must thank you, then. Arigatou.
Tessa: I'm going to kill SOMEBODY if I don't get that leave!!!
Evang: Then you better do something to make your boyfriend recover sooner, ne? Don't expect help from me, after he blew up my transformable Zaga-2, I think he owes me. And let's not forget that bullet I took out.
Ogami: Hah! Got you, Gort-san. Although that was a pretty tense match back there. Who would have thought you were holding a pair of threes in your last hand?
Evang: All done, then? Ichiro, take Mr. Sagara to the infirmary. I trust you know how to untie him from your Koubu and still keep him bound?
Ogami: Do not insult me, Evang-san. Of course I know how.
Evang: Good. If you keep that up, I might be forced to reward you with a major gift. [Turning to the girls] I'm confining you to the infirmary for the time being. It has all the comforts of home: hot water, a hot plate, beds, TV with hundredds of channels. And a fridge that has everything.
Kaname: Really.
Evang: Yes. Really. BOS will even answer any questions you might have, won't you, old man?
BOS: I AM NOT OLD, AND NEITHER AM I HUMAN!!!!
Evang: That was BOS, our charming on-board AI. Kinda like the Arbalest's Al, but he runs this whole space station.
Tessa: [Going wide-eyed.] Space station?!
Evang: Uh huh. Ogami, you done yet?
Ogami: Ready to transport prisoner, sir.
Evang: Good. BOS, limit them to the infirmary, will you? I'd rather not have our little tub ripped open from the inside by Sagara-san and his Arbalest. You saw what it did to Zaga-2, right?
BOS: Yikes. I'll have this place secured so tight, not even Uri-P can get in or out.
Uri-P: HEY!!!!!
Scene 7. The infirmary. While the others were in the main lounge getting drunk and stuffing their faces, or perhaps in the Wreck Room enjoying the wonders therein, or otherwise in one hell of a party mood celebrating the safe return of the three Mages, the cheesy uber-power guy is sitting with his sidekick. There is no sound in the room, save for the sounds of human breathing and the occasional beeeping of the monitoring devices.
Evang: It must be pretty lonely out there, ne? What ever possessed you to do such a stunt? You knew it was Black Technology. You knew it could have done almost anything! I thought you always played it safe, and I was the crazy gung-ho nut?
Silence.
Evang: I know you can hear me, even though you can't recognize me. But you know something? It is rather weird, without your stupid jokes and insults. I don't like weird. I like crazy just fine, but not weird. So tell you what, I'm gonna do something abut this, right now.
He reaches into the folds of his robe, looking at his friend all the while. Pulling out the ancient tome that he usually kept on his study table in his sanctuary, he began thumbing through the pages.
Evang: Let's see... Lava Burst, learned it; Lava Dart, ditto; Lava Hounds, pure stupidity; Lead Golem creation, nah, lead is more useful for bullets; Life Tap, nope, I'm no vampire wannabe. Aha, here we are, Limited Wish! Hmm. Looks easy enough. Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back.
Laughing at his own joke, he left stepped out the door and into his study. Thank God for hammerspace. While it was true that the SpaceBar had lost a half-kilometer cube, nothing could harm hammerspce. It was an immutable fact of ani-verse physics. After collecting the required components, Evang returned to the still-comatose bartender.
Evang: OK, I've drawn concentric circles of salt, then iron filings. Here goes - abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu pa-LAH!!
There was a loud 'POOF!', and Evang turned to face the source. He found the weirdest thing inside the circles that he had traced.
Evang: (Bewildered) An imp?
Imp: What did you expect, Santa Claus?
Evang: Hey, I'm the boss around here, and I order you to restore my sidekick back to his former state, the before he sat his ass on the Radichavel!
Imp: Sorry, no can do.
Evang: What do you mean, "no can do?"
Imp: I mean that there aren't enough bad vibes around this place for me to do what you want me to. Like where do I draw my power? Would you like to offer some of yours?
Evang: Noooooooo.
Imp: I thought so.
Evang: So how do I get these "bad vibes" you spoke of?
Imp: Simple. Pride, covetousness, wrath, envy, gluttony, sloth, lechery. So long as there is at least three of the above happening in the environs, they will provide sufficient negative force for me to work with.
Evang: And how do I know I can trust you, once I have done my part of the deal? Will you not turn against me, then, try to regain your freedom?
Imp: Don't you humans ever read the instruction manual? Even with enough bad energy floating around, an imp's power is limited by the circles that it has been summoned into.
Evang: And why did you just offer this little tidbit of information? Assuming it is the truth, of course.
Imp: It's truth, all right. As to why, well, I haven't had a fix of bad juju for years now, and I need some badly, man. You and your summon spell seemed like a quick meal.
Evang: [Thinking] Great, I get an imp who's a negative essence addict. Just my luck. [Aloud] At least three, huh? I'll see wha at I can do. DOn't go flying off, OK?
Imp: (Replying to Evang's retreating back.) Very funny. Ha. ha. Asshole. And hurry it up, will ya?
Evang headed for his study once more, he rummaged around his desk, opening drawers until he found what he was looking for. He placed another book, entitled "Pig-Out Cuisine for Idiots," as well as a bottle of red powder on the surface of the desk.
Evang: BOS? How are our new guests?
BOS: They're at Mr. Sagara's ward, boring themselves to death.
Evanng: Good. (He opens the bottle and pours half of its contents into a porcelain bowl.) Here, take this powder and flush their ward with it.
BOS: Just drop it into the little portal I'm opening.
A small circle of blue light appeared, barely a foot wide. Evang turns the bowl over it, spilling the contents into the little vortex. When all the powder was gone, the circle vanished back into hammerspace.
BOS: Just out of curiosity, what was that powder? An aid to tissue regeneration?
Evang: Nope. [Smiles.] It's the newest batch of experimental Urotsu powder that I haven't tested yet. Oh, don't worry, I'm sure it wont kill them.
BOS: Somehow I have the feeling that it's bound to do worse than death.
Evang: How can you say that? Once they take a whiff, they won't be bored for long. [Chuckles.]
In Sousuke's ward...
Sousuke: Ah, you two, there's something I have to say to both of you. Something very important that you should know. It's bound to affect our relationship with each other in a great way.
Intrigued, Kaname and Tessa leaned forward. Sousuke, however, motioned them to come closer to him, patting the places beside his waist, telling them to come closer.
Sousuke: [In a low voice.] They might have surveillance equipment installed. Hurry, this is important.
Tessa: (Scooting closer.) What is it, Sousuke?
Kaname: What's the thing that can't wait until we get to a safer place?
The three were very close now, almost shoulder to shoulder. Sousuke took a deep breath, and reached out a hand to each girl's bosom. The two girls gasped, whether from surprise or pleasure, it was not known. Perhaps it was from both, yes?
Sousuke: The thing is this: I want you. Both of you. Badly. Now.
Back in the psycho-mage's study/sanctuary...
BOS: Yup. I was right. So, how long is this mind poisoning going to last?
Evang: Until they get drenched by cool water. (Lifts the lid from a pot and sniffs the contents.) Ah, almost done. Now to see what we can do for junk food...
BOS: That's your idea of a balanced meal? Some weird vegetables and chips?
Evang: Oh, this isn't for me, it's for the people upstairs. See, I want them to have this for the party that they'll be throwing for the safe return of the children. And there's nothing weird about mashed potatoes with sour cream or butter, boiled yams and spicy arrowroot soup.
BOS: Since when did you become a gourmet cook?
Evang: Since I read that book on my desk. (Goes about preparing the potaotes and the soup.) So, how are our three teeners doing?
BOS: Wow. That powder sure is awesome. I thought for sure that Kaname doesn't like Tessa one bit, but I guess I'm wrong. And Sousuke, he's a good boy, making sure everyone's happy. Including himself.
Evang: [Thinking.] Well, that takes care of the lechery. Now for two more.
Placing the food on a tray, Evang picked it up and teleported to the Main Lounge. He arrived to party music in full swing, to which Gai and Shiratori were tossing their heads to. He made his way the food table, where he saw that Tenkawa had been making his home in the mini-kitchen behind the bar. A bowl of noodles and some other plates were already taking up space, but if you're in hammerspace, there's always room for a few extras.
Evang: Hey, everyone, I brought more grub!
Akito: Thanks. You didn't have to-
Evang: What are you saying? I'm the host now, and of course I want to show that I am happy for your happiness. I'll leave you in charge of the food, then, as there is something I must see to.
Akito: OK.
Making his way to the Omnipotent Author's Hammerspace Device, he paused to chat with a few people.
Evang: So, is this player trying out his lines on you three now?
Ryoko: He has.
Hikaru: To no success.
Ogami: Not for lack of trying though. Are all future women this way? If so, I'm finished. [Grins.]
Evang: How do you gauge success in flirting, anyway?
Izumi: Well, if it's Ryoko you're talking about, the healthier you are, the less your success is. Then again, that's how life is, ne?
Evang: Oh, before I forget, (Spying Megumi sipping drinks with the Houmei girls.) I have something for Ryoko, for sticking with us through all these baka missions. And for Ogami too, for being cooperative.
Hikaru: Hey, what about me and Izumi? We've stuck around too, you know.
Evang: [Thinking] Ah, the green-eyed monster growls. [Aloud.] You already have a successful reputation as a manga artist. Izumi has a bar, which is much more peaceful than mine. So to Ryoko, I now grant her heart's desire. If you'll wear this blindfold and follow me? Thank you.
Ryoko: Try anything funny and I'll make sure you don't have any children.
Evang: Oh, dying is fine, I'll just respawn thanks to the DCA.
Ryoko: I wasn't talking about killing you.
Evang: Then what- oh. OH.
The two stop at the OAHD. By this time everyone has taken note of their progress and Ryoko's blindfolded state. There is a buzzing of speculation as to what the hell is going on. Reaching for the handle, Evang lifts it a little, then pauses for effect.
Evang: And now, Miss Subaru, I will count to ten, and when I reach ten, you may rip off the blindfold. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
Evang throws the devices door open as Ryoko tears off the blindfold. White light blinds everyone for a second or two, and when Ryoko recovers her sight, she let's out a loud gasp. She turns to Evang for an explanation.
Ryoko: You're kidding, right? It's a doll, isn't it?
Evang: Doll? Heck, no! This is Akito from the Miss Nadesico contest episode, 100% intact and all yours!!!
Ryoko: (Tears brimming in her eyes.) You really mean it? He won't take a look at that blue-haired ditz and fall head over heels again?
Akito': No. I'd never do anything to make you feel unwanted or belittled, Ryoko. You're the only one for me. Besides, I like feisty, strong-willed women, not flighty, fluff-brained ones. [Smiles a perfect pre-POD Akito smile.] Come on, how about we tear up the dance floor?
Akito: What the heck? I was that ugly back then? And where does he get off, stealing my Shy Guy smile? I ought to shoot him.
Yurika: Hey, you gutless cookboy!!! Who are you calling fluff-brained!? You're the fluff-brained one for choosing that man-girl!!
Ryoko: What did you just call me, blue bimbo!?
Yurika: You heard what I said!!!
Akito': You, behind the food, control your woman, will you? If you lack the guts to do it, I'll do it for you!
Akito: Yeah, you and what army, you muddle-headed s0n0f4b1tch?
It didn't take long at all for a brawl to erupt.
Evang: [Thinking] My, my, this is an unexpected surprise. I wonder if it counts as wrath? [Turning to face whoever was tapping him.] Ah, Megumi, you need anything?
Megumi: Can I have, you know, (Wriggling her eyebrows) one of those?
Evang: I'm sorry, but the Device can only function in rapid succession for so many times. I'm afraid that it will be offline for a while, as it has yet to adjust to losing more than 10% of its maximum power in the last battle.
Megumi: There was a battle?
Evang: Mm-hmm. Ogami!
Ogami: Nani?
Evang: Pull the women apart. Bloodied men, I can handle, but women... it ain't right, you know what I'm saying?
Ogami: I know. I also feel that way about the members of my teams. Leave it to me.
Evang: Good man. [Notices the look on Megumi's face.] Ano, you wouldn't want your own Akito involved every so often in a brawl, would you?
Megumi: That won't matter. As soon as I get one, I'll go back to touring with the Houmei girls. That ought to take us out from their paths. [Indicates Yurika and Ryoko, now glaring at each other from opposite sides of the room.]
Evang: [Thinking] Ah, jealousy, thy name is woman! [Aloud] Tell you what. I'll tell you when the Device can be used again. If only Jemu were up, he could-
Megumi: Why? Did something happen to him as well?
Evang: Why are you so concerned? I'm pretty sure he'll pull through.
Megumi: Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he never thought about me in an indecent way, especially when I was in a schoolgirl uniform.
Evang: Sou ka. Well, enjoy the food then. I have something to attend to downstairs. Ogami!
Ogami: You rang?
Evang: I have need of a private talk with you in my study.
In the study...
Imp: Oh yeah, this is the stuff. A little fornication, a dash of violence, envy dripping from the walls. Keep 'em coming, losers.
TO BE CONTINUED.
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: Ony BOS, Jemu, and Evang are belong to me. If you recognize the badly OOC characters in here, relax, I don't own them, nor do I intend to claim them as my own. The same goes for the series and series concepts mentioned here. But what the hell, who reads crossovers anyway? BTW, if you recognize where the #324b sentence came from... it's not Square's Front Mission, that's for sure. Also, excerpts of "Human Touch", Gundam X's end theme are here. And what a surprise, I don't own the song or the series that it came from either.
NOTE: You might want to read the story "192X", also by this crazy ficker, to get a more or less prequel feel. You're not required to, though.
SCENE 1. Ichiro Oogami, super-playboy extraordinaire and wanted in two countries for heartbreaking, voyeurism, and borderline pedophilia, is sitting up on a hospital bed. Two self-inserts are also in the room.
Jemu: Welcome to the SpaceBar, Mr. Ogami. We've been expecting you.
Oogami: Huh? What happened? Ow, my head-! By the way, you're spelling my name wrong.
Evang: You can tell that, even when we're saying it out loud?
Oogami: Yeah. Comes with the territory. Although if you dropped an 'O', people might think that I'm a different person. Wait, that's not so bad...
Jemu: Considering all the people that are after you, or should I say women, I'd say it's worth a try. So, can we call you just Ogami then?
Ogami: Sure. And if anyone asks, I'm not a pilot.
Evang: Heh, we've heard THAT ONE before.
The self-inserts chuckle for a bit.
Jemu: But he's got black hair.
Evang: But it is spiky black hair.
Ogami: What the hell are you guys talking about? Are you basement queens like the Bara-gumi back at home?
Jemu: Puedeng sapakin?
Evang: Huwag, pasipa muna.
They glare at Ogami, as if deciding whether to beat him up or just toss him back to the waiting arms and charms (and harms) of his 'harem.'
[For those of you who don't read Tagalog, Jemu was asking if he could punch Ogami out. Evang replied "no, not until I've kicked him first."]
Jemu: Back to your question, you passed out, got buried underneath a warehouse and was rescued from a fate worse than death.
Evang: By yours truly. After promising more than your skirt-chasing soul to your would-be rescuers, if any.
Jemu: Which sort of means we own you now. (Strikes "Bad Guy Pose #324: Delivering Bad News.)
Ogami: (Increduluous.) What you say?
Evang: (Striking "Bad Guy Pose #324b: Restating the Obvious.) All your self are belong to us.
Ogami: No! I refuse to believe it.
Evang: Do not struggle. Resisting is futile. BOS, show him.
BOS: Roger, wilco.
A monitor unfolds from the foot of Ogami's bed. It flickers to life, and begins to show the movie "Ogami's Last Stand."
Jemu: Watch and know the truth. Mwahahahahahahahhahaha! (Gasp!Wheeze!)
Ogami watches in silence, disbelief etched in his features, as what appears to him as a huge, khaki Wakiji systematically took out two pissed off Kagekidan. To readers who have seen/played Sakura Taisen, picture a tank with arms and legs wiping out 13 Koubu within 99 seconds. To previous SpaceBar readers, the walking tank is the Terra Walker*.
Ogami: That was you in that... that monster?
Evang: Technically. We were there in spirit,-
Ogami: That won't buy you crap! I want to see it!
Evang: (In a quiet tone.) I'm afraid that would be impossible.
Ogami: And why would that be, huh?
Evang: Because, that machine has been destroyed two episodes ago.* [Play "X-files" intro here.]
Ogami: Ha! So that means that you really didn't rescue me. You don't 'own' me then, because there's no evidence!
Jemu: Yes, there is. Deep inside, you know it to be true. Your honor cannot deny it. And you are bound by honor, yes?
Ogami: I go out on public dates with ten and eleven-year olds. I did one-night stands with my subordinates and then ran like crazy. How much honor does that look like?
Jemu: Oh, I hoped it would not come to this. Please get dressed, and follow us. We shall convince you yet.
Ogami: I doubt it. (Starts removing the PJs he was wearing and pulling on his own clothes.)
BOS: If I might intrude, sirs?
Ogami: Who was that?
Jemu: That was BOS, the heart and soul of our... base, you might say.
Ogami: A living machine, huh? I got it. Kinda like the Koubu.
BOS: SIR! How dare you compare me to those... those... (expletives deleted)! I am a prototype artificial intelligence nexus!
Evang: He can be a real PAIN at times. But that's why we love him.
BOS: Speaking of pain, somebody realy should get Ruri, Ruriruri, and Lapis out of the Boson Jump Control Box before the merger becomes permanent.
Jemu: They're what!?
BOS: Didn't you know? You told them to go to the secret of the SpaceBar! Heven't you been wondering where they have been all this time?
Evang: We were about to go look for them, but we heard a plea for help reaching through time and space.
Jemu: Not to mention series/realities. (Giving Ogami a pointed look.)
Ogami: Hey, I didn't ask you guys to rescue me, I asked for a miracle. So don't go around saying that you didn't do so and so because of me. I could have taken care of things back there, without your help.
Evang: Spoken like a true baka. Jemu, you're the techno-guy, you rescue the girls.
Jemu: Hai. But what will you be doing, eh?
Evang: I'm gonna give our skeptic friend here a little culture shock.
Ogami: Bring it on. (The three men leave the hospital room.)
SCENE 2. The hangar. All traces of the explosions were wiped clean. The brand-new, shiny Zaga-2 is being given a check-up by the one, the only Uri-P when Ogami and Evang walk in.
Seiya: Hey, psychoman, that antique you just brought in is in real bad shape. It's a wonder it didn't fall apart when you brought it here. And how did you do it? The Zaga-2 was here all along, and that design is heavy.
Evang: I'm a psioinic, remember? Not to mention an elementalist mage. Oh, this is Ogami Ichiro. Ogami, this is Seiya Uribatake, genius inventor. You can call him Uri-P for short.
Seiya and Ogami shake hands.
Uri-P: So, hiding from the wife?
Ogami: What! What wife!?
Uri-P: Ah, come on, son, I know the look of a man who's hiding and running away from his women. I've seen a lot of that go around here.
Ogami: I'm not married!
Uri-P: You ought to. Say, you didn't come down here for a birds-and-bees talk, right?
Evang: That antique you just lambasted was his power armor, Uri-P.
Uri-P: Sou ka? If you want it fixed up, you better help me then. It's the first time I've seen anything so old be called a power suit. What does it run on, diesel-gas mixture?
Ogami: Ryoshi crystal, willpower, and steam.
Uri-P: This might be interesting, after all. Follow me.
Meanwhile, in the depths of hammerspace...
PA: IDENTITY VERIFICATION REQUIRED.
Jemu: I didn't know it had this. Fine. I am Jemu, techmage, bartender, and I command you: OPEN THE GATE!
PA: Voice pattern recognized. Identity verified. Welcome, Jemu.
The steel doors slide open, revealing the shining room inside.
Jemu: Holy shit! Girls! Don't give in! Fight it! FIGHT IT!
BOS: (Somewhat subdued.) You sound like you should be in a tuxedo and carrying a cane and roses.
Jemu: Shut up and help me. How do I get them out of here?
BOS: Try sitting in the command chair.
Jemu: That might work. (Runs into the room, pausing to gaze at the "petrified" children before continuing.) Hang on, babies, your parents will drown my joint in saline solution or my blood if you don't, so please.
Hopping into the chair, Jemu jacks in into the cybernetic maze. For what seemed to be hours to him, but in reality only minutes, he sat there in a trance. His breathing suddenly becomes labored, and with a sudden lurch he throws himself off the chair, hitting the floor and convulsing.
BOS: Nekketsu-san, daijobu? Jemu? Jemu!
Jemu: Whis....whisp.....
BOS: What is it?
Jemu: Whispered. We need.... whi.... (Blacks out.)
BOS: Fuck.
The DCA. Home to some rather interesting characters, dead and alive. It is here that BOS speeds his consciousness to, hoping to find some help. Fortunately, he does. He quickly splits among the different apartmens.
BOS: (In a lot of mobile windows.) Everyone, we have a problem.
Gai: I'm in the middle of watching Gekiganger V!
Kaji: Are there children watching? I'm in the shower, you know.
BOS: That's just it! The children are in trouble!
Akito and Yurika: They are!? Where are they?
BOS: They're in the hammerspace node corresponding to the thought form "the heart of the SpaceBar." But you can't help them now. The Artifact has them!
Yurika: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Akito: How did that happen?
Gai: What Artifact? And why is it capitalized?
Minato: (Sleepily, from under the sheets.) I thought we'd seen the last of that thing once and for all.
Tsukurou: What was that, sweetheart?
Yukina: The Boson Jump Control Center is here?
Jun: No way!!!
BOS: Way! Anyhow, Jemu tried to pull the three free formit, and ended up twitching on the floor before passing out. He's stable, as far as I can tell. But hey, I'm no tricorder.
Akatsuki: And so this means...
BOS: We have a crisis, people, and I'd like all of us to meet in the "Command Center" ASAP. Hurry, we don't have much time.
Kaji: Um, can I shave first?
Back at the hangar, the repairs are done.
Evang: So, what did I tell you, Ogami? The thing you watched wasn't manufactured. It wasn't scripted. You were there.
Ogami: I hate to admit, but it looks like you did rescue me with your imaginary Wakiji.
Uri-P: Clear! I'll give it some steam now!
Evang: It wasn't imaginary. Dammit!
They succeed in getting Ogami's Koubu to move. It takes a few steps, turns left and right, and jumps once. It lands perfectly.
Ogami: Looks good. Your reputation is deserved, Uri-P.
Uri-P: Thanks. Hey, wait a sec, which reputation?
BOS: Attention pertinent people. War meeting in "Command Center" ASAP. Attendance mandatory. BOS, out.
Evang: "War meeting"? We have planning sessions, not war meetings. I wonder what's going on.
Uri-P: Why don't we all go and find out? And since it does sound urgent, why don't you come along, Ogami. You look like you know a thing or two about strategy.
Ogami: (Stepping out after returning his Koubu to the wall.) What makes you say that?
Uri-P: How do I say this? You have 'military' stamped all over your face, kid. Just like that Jun Aoi. Although he looks like a good boy, compared to you. Yes, sir.
Ogami: Meaning I look like a-
Evang: Let's finish this later. Come on, slave, we have a war meeting to attend.
Ogami: I'm not your slave! (They exit and head for the hangar.)
Scene 3. The Main Lounge aka "Command Center" was packed with people once more, but for once the mood was not a light one.
BOS: Thanks to you gentlemen for carrying Jemu-san into the infirmary. (The door admits Uri-P, Evang, and Ogami into the room.) Ah, you're here. Everyone, the newcomer is Ensign Oogami Ichirou from the Navy. For the duration of his stay here, please refer to him as Ensign or Ogami.
Ogami: Hello everyone. Can somebody please fill me in on the situation?
Erina: Simply put, we need to abduct one of two people who can free the children trapped in this device we'll henceforth refer to as the Artifact.
Ogami: Hold on. Abduct? As in take forcefully, without permission or consent of the person?
Akatsuki: What are you, a walking dictionary?
BOS: People, please. Now, we know where the targets are. What we're stuck on is how do we extricate one or both of them? Zaga-2 has just been tested for space combat. Ensign, your opinion?
Ogami: I have no idea of what forces you have, but it seems prudent to know the layout of the AO.
Ryoko: AO?
Ogami: That's area of operations, Miss-
Hikaru: Subaru. She's Subaru Ryoko, single, hot-headed, good in close quarters...
After getting flooded with rather comprehensive introductions on everyone present, Ogami's head was reeling. But he managed to keep it in check and remember all the names correctly. Amazing.
Ogami: Takes practice, Mr. Narrator. You'd need a good memorization style if you run into as many women as I do.
Or run away from. Snicker. Snicker.
Ogami: I heard that.
Izumi: I wanted that line. Damn.
Tough luck, Izumi. You've lost your timing, and your comments' wit have dipped into an all-time low.
Izumi: Yeah. you could say I'm out of sink.
Aaaargh! I take it back. Welcome back, cigarette-case.
BOS: Do you mind? I've got a fanfic to attend to!
Sorry.
BOS: Sheesh. Okay, satellite surveillance coming up. (Brings up a window.) Oh, by the way here's what we have on board. (Brings up another window, with the following information:)
I-N-TA-MI-SHI-O-N
UNIT NAME-PILOT/CAN BE PILOTED BY-REMARKS
Gekiganger (Aestivalis) - Yamada Jiro - ("It's Daigouji Gai!")
Aestivalis (6) - Jun, Hikaru, Ryoko, Izumi, Akatsuki, Yurika-- YURIKA?!?!?"
Black Sarena(Pink) - Akito - KICK ASS PILOT
ZAGA-2 - Evang - Unknown planetary performance.
Gekigan Type Daitetsujin - Tsukurou - "Eat your heart out, Gai."
White F2 Koubu- Ogami - Land use only.
Ghost of Terra Walker - ??? - ???
Ogami: Ghost of Terra Walker?
BOS: You got a problem with that name?
Ogami: Why not just call it Ghost Walker for short?
Evang: Good idea.
Ogami: According to this, the AO is the dock area to the school and the apartments residential area?
BOS: DO try to keep collateral damage as minimum as possible. AS IN NONE.
Ogami: No collateral damage. Oh, well, I guess we need a distraction - wait a minute, what do you mean "Unknown planetary performance"? Where did you test it then?
Akito: In outer space.
Ogami: Nanda?
Gai: Out here, among the stars! Take a look! (Parts a curtain.)
Ogami: Eeeeehhhhhhhhhhh???
Izumi: (Noticing Ogami's discomfort.) Look, there's China, and that snaking line is the Great Wall. And there's Japan, and in a few minutes, Europe will come into view. Out of this world, isn't it?
Ogami: This means- We really are- I hate to ask, what is the date today?
Evang: We're currently in 20th century time-space. 1995, I think, January 22nd.
Ogami: 1995... Seventy-five years...
BOS: Um, I think we shouldn't have said that much. He's going into shock, it seems.
Gort: (Reaching out to clasp Ogami's shoulder and turning him around.) Ensign Ogami, snap out of it!
Izumi: Earth to Ogami, come in, please. Hehehehe!
Evang: (Sigh.) You leave me with no choice. (Walks around Ogami, who is still staring out into space, and pokes both index fingers in Ogami's sides, just under the ribs.)
Ogami: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa think I'm alright now. As I was saying, we need a distraction in the harbor. If the person is as important as you say he is, the first thing they'll do is protect him. Those things are powered armor, right?
BOS: Actually, both targets are young teenage girls. One is studying, and the other one is the captain of the ship in the harbor. And yes, those things are powered armor, called Armor Slaves.
Ogami: I can see it now. We stage a diversionary attack, as the first target flees to safety, a second team goes after her. Failing that, we break away and head for the other target. But couldn't we just go for the one in the school and forget about the dock?
BOS: The one in school might not prove to be capable. The one in the ship is more capable in her special abilities, but is heavily guarded, as you can see.
Ogami: Can't we negotiate, or something?
Yurika: We wouldn't be having this war meeting if it were.
Ogami: Oh, yeah, silly me. OK, you heard my suggestion. Time to flesh out the details. #1: Diversion team?
Akatsuki: The Aestivalis will be the Distraction.
Tsukurou: That's a cushy job.
As the two argue, Ogami is looking over the specs of all the units and pilots available to him. This feels good, he thinks to himself. Give me a complex military operation anyday over a weekend of demon-hunting or girl-evading.
Ogami: Your untested unit...
Evang: What of it?
Ogami: Now would be a good time to do so, don't you think? In environs that it might possibly be used in. And why does it say in this note, 'Henkei'?
Evang: Because it does. It can fly in the air, cruise along the ground or hike through uneven terrain if necessary.
Ogami: Ah. An airship, that changes into a Koubu and back? That's new. OK, people listen up!
Everyone turns to face him, each sensing something important is about to be said.
Ogami: Here's the plan. Zaga-2 will act as decoy, drawing fire. Once the first target is moving, some Aestivalis will cover Zaga-2 as it goes after the escape vehicle OR if something screws up with it. If Zaga-2 is downed, the priority is to get it back to HQ ASAP. Wait a sec, how are we supposed to know what the targets look like?
BOS: That's what I was waiting for anyone to ask. (Shows the pictures of the girls, as well as information, in another window.) Oh yeah, watch out for this guy if you're attacking the school. (Shows a boy's face and profile.)
Ogami: Meanwhile, the Daitetsujin and I will cover the school. RP at the schoolgrounds for maximum fear effect, or something. We do have that blue circle of light as a reusable resource, correct?
BOS: Yeah, we do. I almost forgot that they wouldn't survive Boson Jumping without a Class A jumper- what am I saying, Boson Jumping is crazy now that the Artifact is- (Breaks off as Yurika swallows a sob.) Sorry. It must be hard on you and Akito as parents.
Ogami: You still have to tell me what manner of mess their children are in.
Evang: They were caught in a sort of teleportation control device. The device, you may say it's alive, doesn't want to let go. Yurika was captured by it once, but was freed. If a powerful teleporter or Boson Jumper is "attached" to it, and used for war, the results would be horrendous.
Akito: Imagine armor popping in at precise locations instantaneously. Warheads reaching their destination without being shot down. The ultimate surprise attacks.
Akatsuki: Well, at least with the three inside, it would refuse any such attempts to use it, right?
Gort: It does run the risk of permanent adhesion to the Artifact.
Erina: Is that sacrifice really worth it? It seems to me that it's safe enouhg where it is right now, where almost no one can access it.
Evang: By 'no one', I hope you're not talking about the saboteur who managed to get on board and blow up the mech bay.
Now, that shut everybody up.
Ogami: Sorry I asked. The important thing is to get those children out fast so that we can return our would-be captives faster. You've heard the plan. Let's go!
Scene 4. Tokyo Harbor. The Tuatha de Danan is undergoing repairs from its last outing. A squad of M9s are standing guard around it and along the perimeter of the harbor area. Inside, Teletha Tesstalossa and Andrey Kalinin are talking quietly.
Tessa: It's final. I'm going to ask for some leave time and experience life as a sixteen-year old. I'll leave Dana to you; I'm sure you'll take good care of her while I'm gone.
Andrey: (Reading her letter.) You do realize that your leave coincides with the start of school?
Tessa: It does?
Andrey: You're not fooling me for a moment, Tessa. I wonder how they'll react when they find out- speaking of which, where will you stay?
Tessa: I'm sure Sousuke wouldn't mind-
Andrey: That is preposterous! A ranking officer should not be seen behaving improperly, even if she's on leave!
Tessa: To hell with propriety! I'm not an officer when I leave, I'll be a sixteen-year old girl!
Andrey: That doesn't mean you ought to be sleeping in some guy's apartment, no matter how much I respect him! Sousuke's just 17, you know, and did you forget about Kaname Chidori?
Tessa: She stays in her own apartment, doesn't she?
Andrey: And drops in on Sousuke every so often!
Tessa: You're not my father, Major Kalinin.
Andrey: For that I am thankful.
This nice "father-daughter" talk would have gone on and on. Fortunately, a siege is scheduled to take place. They don't know it, of course.
Radar officer: I've got something inbound! Flyer, unknown radar sig!
Tessa: Heading?
RO: Right at us!
Crewman: We have missiles closing in! Distance, 1000 meters!
Andrey: Alert the guards and service crew! Maintain defensive stance around the dock!
Tessa: Do we have a visual?
A loud explosion rocks the submarine as the monitor reveals the Armor Slaves diving for cover.
Andrey: A bombing run. How did they find us?
Tessa: Who knows? Probably another Mithril employee who's not too happy with his payroll.
Andrey: I wonder what they want. (His gaze falls on Tessa.) I wonder...
Tessa: Gaul is dead! You were there, weren't you?
Andrey: Gaul isn't the only one out there. Anyway, we can't stay here.
Crewman: Hey, look! It's touching down!
Andrey: All AS! Fire at the target!
Outside...
Evang: Shimatta! What's wrong now? I'm losing altitude, and I'm hit! I'm hit! Aestivalis, I need some cover here!
Akito: Roger, Zaga-2, I'm on my way.
Gai: Feels like old times. Aaaaahhh! Come along, Jun!
Jun: Do I really have to?
The Zaga-2 just lowers itself to bring its legs and arms out. Smoke is streaming from its fuselage, but it still stands upright.
Evang: Hope you guys don't mind getting used as a wall. (Launches rockets at the Armor Slaves from behind the Aestis.)
Jun: These AS are equipped with energy weapons, right?
Evang: No! They have oversized shotguns and submachineguns and rifles!
Jun: They WHAT?!
Akito: Heads up! We got air trouble!
Gai: I'll take care of those! You two hold it down here.
Gai is back in the air, engaging a trio of assault helicopters and drawing them away from the docks. The Aestis and Zaga-2 continue the firefight.
Jun: More choppers! I think they've got some armor with them too!
Akito: We're getting swamped here! We could use more back-up! Aaarghhh!
Akito's Aesti crashes into the ground as a well-placed, well-timed bullet hits him in the back.
Yurika: AKITO!!!
Ryoko: Tenkawa!!
Izumi: Anybody know his middle name?
Hikaru: That's our cue! Here come the cavalry!
Ryoko: You make any horse jokes and I'll kill you!
Evang: They seem to have caught on to our plan and they're not moving the target. I'm going to have to close in! Ouch, those shotguns really hurt!!!
Jun: EVANG! Zaga-2 is downed! Subaru-san, where are you?
Ryoko: We're north of you, keeping more of these grunts from coming in! Damn, I hate city fights!
Hikaru: Yeah, there's no room to dash around in!
Izumi: I don't know, it works for me. (Pops from behind a building and snipes a chopper carrying an AS. It explodes, and the AS does not survive the fall.)
Yurika: Could someone tell those choppers not to move too fast? I'm getting dizzy here.
Ryoko: Did she say she was going ditzy?
Hikaru: We already knew that. Five years in that Artifact didn't change a thing, so why should five minutes in combat?
Evang: Hey, champion womanizer, get over here!
Ogami: I'm in position at the school, baka. I'm staking out the place.
Akatsuki: He means me. And that's ex-champion womanizer!
Akatsuki flies in, his custom unit and weapons balancing out the expertise of the M9 soldiers. One by one, the AS are forced out of their hiding places and are promptly shot down by Jun.
Jun: Must protect Tenkawa! Must not make Yurika cry! Ouch!!! Must also return to Yukina!!! MUST NOT DIE!
Gai: No one's going to die! We are heroes! We are the main cast!
Evang: Somehow (Pushes the Zaga-2 to its feet, now in Soldier mode.) that doesn't seem to reassure me. X-ray scan reveals that she is- hello, there!
Zaga-2 builds up energy in its left fist and drives it through the reinforced hull. It makes a nice, big hole, almost crushing Andrey and Tessa in the process. It doesn't though, but instead drives them apart.
Andrey: Kanchou, daijobu?
Tessa: Hai. What about you?
Dropping its rifle, Zaga-2 takes hold of both sides of the hole and pulls it wider, the creaking metal painful to be heard.
Evang: Gyaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!
Jun: Look, a missile launch!
Gai: Wow, that's a huge one! Bigger than Gekigan Missiles! I'm not touching that one.
Akatsuki: You're a mess, Tenkawa.
Akito: This sucks.
Meanwhile at the school, Kaname was getting real cozy-like, leaning over Sousuke's shoulder as she walked him through a history textbook.
Kaname: And in 1944, a couple of cities were- Hey, what's continuous beeping sound?
Sousuke: You can hear it? It means that the Arbalest has been launched toward me. I've got to get out of here, or else the building will get in the way.
Kaname: Come on, the soccer field is empty! This way!
The two make a run for it, all the while being observed by someone in a white, cheap Dumbine rip-off.
Ogami: They are moving. The spirit radar can still follow them. Are you reading this, Tsukurou?
Tsukurou: Just give the word and I'll be coming down like a thunderstorm.
Ogami: All teams report in!
Yurika: This isn't fun at all!
Ryoko: It isn't supposed to be!
Akatsuki: Harbor secured. We're just opening a can here- wait-
Evang: Package secured! Ogami, be on the lookout for a white power armor that will be dropping in near your location.
Ogami: Don't worry, I'll have Daitetsujin drop in to confront it. While it's distracted, I'll grab the girl.
Tsukurou: That's your expertise, right? Grabbing girls.
Akatsuki: I want that job. If only my secretary wouldn't find out or kill me if she does find out.
Akito: Oooohhh. Juicy gossip. Tell some more.
Akatsuki: What can I say? She's a demon in the sack.
Hikaru: Instead of gossiping, help us out here, will you?
Izumi: It's raining men over here. Just what you "girls" like, eh?
Akito: Actually, that's Gai's schtick.
Gai: Explain yourself, fry-boy!!!
Akito: I meant you want lots of enemies to fight off, so go there!
Gai: Ah, yes, a chance to show-off in front of the beautiful Miss Hikaru! Go go Gekigan Booster!!!
Gai flies off in his Aesti to assist the beleaguered women. A blue portal opens on the docks, and Akito's Aesti is thrown in by Jun and Akatsuki.
Akatsuki: Oi, aren't you going to send her in as well?
Evang: We're better off heading for the school and assisting Ogami and Shiratori. I've seen what that Arbalest can do.
Jun: But you run the risk of losing the captive if you continue. Your Zaga-2 doesn't seem to be unscathed either.
Evang: In that case, here, Akatsuki. (Passes Tessa to the Nergal prez.) Be a gentleman and escort her back to the SpaceBar. And no funny business, do you hear me? Jun, let's go.
Jun: I'd rather go help out Yamada-san.
Gai: (With a loud scream from halfway across the city.) IT'S DAIGOUJI GAI!! THAT IS THE TRUE NAME OF MY SOUL!!!
Evang: Suit yourself. Bye bye.
Evang enters Hybrid mode and speeds off. Jun also flies off in Gai's direction, leaving Akatsuki and the captive behind.
Akatsuki: My, but aren't you a pretty one. Sorry about the suits, but we had the feeling you wouldn't come peacably.
Tessa: What is it you want with me?
Akatsuki: Actually, it's not just you we're after. You also have a friend, another girl I believe has the same powers as you. Although you look nothing more to me than a pretty 16-year old girl.
Tessa: [Thinking] Oh no, does he mean... I must warn her then. Chidori-san, be careful, they're out to get you as well.
Akatsuki: Anyway, in we go through this blue circle of light. We can wait for your friend on the other side, hmm?
Kurz: I have a shot...
Melissa: No. If you hit him, he might drop the Captain.
Kurz: You heard what he said, he'll be taking her somewhere! And I'm betting that the 'other girl' is Kaname-chan - hey! Where are you going?!
Melissa: I'd like to see where this guy is taking her. So I'm going in, whether you decide to come along or not is your decision. I've made mine.
Kurz: (cursing in German) Thank heavens for the cloaking technology on our M9 Armor Slaves.
WARNING! WARNING! UNIDENTIFIED MILITARY HARDWARE DETECTED!
BOS: Let's see. Evang is still out there, Akatsuki, hasn't brought the captive in yet, only Akito's here, then. Hmm............................... that's it, we're bloody dead.
Meanwhile back at the soccer field, the Arbalest and Daitetsujin were duking it out in old-school hand-to-hand robo combat. Daitetsujin is getting the short end of the stick, however, as its attacks just bounce off its Lambda Drive-generated shield.
Sousuke: [Thinking] What kind of enemy is this? It looks like one of those super robots from that strategy game Kaname taught me how to play. Its arms even come off and shoot themselves at me!
Tsukurou: [Thinking] I must keep the innocents from harm, but I cannot allow myself to fall back without even scratching this foe! I must try this out, even once! [Aloud] GEKIGAN BIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMUU!
Ogami: [Watching from the sidelines] What the hell? Such power!
Sousuke: [Thinking] High-powered chest-mounted energy weapons? Now this is really freaky. Really just like the game.
Due to that last train of thought, the Lambda Drive fluctuates a little. The Arbalest catches the gravity blast and is pushed back, meter by precious meter. It stops sliding, then starts again.
Ogami: [Thinking] It's busy now! Never have I seen something that big move that fast! CHANCE!! (Blasts off toward the fray. Rather, toward Kaname.)
Kaname: SOUSUKE!! FIGHT BACK! YOU CAN DO IT! [Hears a sound and turns] What in the world-!?
Ogami: Hey, there, cutie, you're coming with me! (Takes Kaname and speeds away.) Ogami to all units! Fall back! We have the second one! BOS, we are ready for extraction at RP!
BOS: We have a problem, people! We've been infiltrated by a couple of stealth units. I don't want to risk a portal, you might end up getting shot in the back.
Ogami: What do you mean? What the hell do we do now? [Turns his attention to the built-in kinematron inside his F2 Koubu.] Holy flames! Daitetsujin is down. I repeat, Daitetsujin is down!
Missiles streak in and splatter against the Arbalest. Turning to face the source, it fires its shotgun at the red and white intruder.
Evang: BOS, eject the hammerspace node where the M9s are.
BOS: Say what? You can't be serious! Hammerspace is our power source, and you want us to eject more than 10% of it?
Evang: I'd rather have a small, clean house than a huge rat-infested one.
BOS: Alright. On your head be it. Ejecting hammerspace fragement, now!
A blinding glow surrounds the SpaceBar. When it recedes, the SpaceBar was still there, although a good 500 meters shorter. A similar glow appears on the harbor.
Akatsuki: What's going on?
BOS: Akatsuki, get out of there NOW! A pair of stealth AS are inbound for your location. GO!
Akatsuki: You don't have to tell me twice! Proceeding to Rendezvous Point.
Inside the cockpit of a still unknown unit, a tactical screen shows the positions and status of the different units involved in the fight. On yet another, the names of the units and their structural integrity and energy levels are shown. The Aestivalis were holding out well, even Yurika, but their power was dangerously low. Meanwhile, an unstoppable Arbalest was chasing down Ogami's Koubu and a damaged Zaga-2. Two blinking blips, representing stealth units, were making their way after Akatsuki and Tessa.
"This looks bad," an unknown voice, presumably the pilot, said. "Time to mop this place up. Or rather, MAP this place up." Flipping a switch, he engaged a weapons system and selected some points. A few seconds later, nearly a hundred missiles were seen on the radar, leaving very thick smoke trails visible to anyone that wasn't blind.
Hikaru: How much longer is this going to take?
Yurika: My battery's almost dead!
Izumi: If we dry up, we'll be like those batteries too!
Ryoko: Daigouji, conserve your power! No more ramming those things!
Gai: No worry! Hey, what's this flashing on my control panel?
Each of the pilots took a look at their flashing screens.
Jun: Missiles inbound? Who could it be?
Yurika: Don't panic, everybody! Those are not targeting us!
Ryoko: She's right!
Gai: Ano, look behind you!
They do, and gasp.
Yurika: Isn't that-?
Jun: But wasn't it-?
Izumi: (Bringing out her ukulele and starting to chant.) We will pray for your tormented soul/ But right now please save our hides/ Ayayayaaaaaaaa!
Hikaru: I wonder who's piloting it, then. Are there really such things as ghosts? Gai, you don't seem at all shocked at this.
Gai: It's no biggie. I mean, I'm back from the dead, right? What's to stop a 20-meter war machine from doing the same?
Ryoko: Put that way, it makes eerily perfect sense.
A blue circle appears in the sky above them, being visible because it's much darker and swirls like a whirlpool. The Ghost Walker aims its cannon toward the dug-in AS, and energy begins to gather on the tip.
???: Get behind me or risk dying. If you can, fly toward the gate.
Gai: What gate? You mean that blue swirly thing? Who are you anyway?
???: I am someone you all know, someone who has come to help. Hurry now, before they figure out that the energy cannon is just a dud.
Jun: Psychological warfare, huh? Who am I to complain? Um, you don't mind if we use your unit as a stepladder, right?
In response, the Ghost Walker grabs Jun and hurls him into the gate.
Jun: I guess you do mind. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
???: When you step through, it's like hammerspace. Just think of your destination and you're there. Now who's next?
One by one, the Aestis are hurled into the vortex. The army AS decided that the light show was just that, and commenced shooting at the rescue operation. To complicate matters further, Akatsuki comes jumping in from building to building, and Ogami and Evang wheel in as well, a pissed- off Sagara Sousuke in hot pursuit.
???: Ogami, approach me, immediately! I will help get you out of here!
Ogami: Ayiiiii! Aren't you the ghost of the dead machine?
???: No time for questions! You too, Akatsuki, the captives must be sent to safety! The gate is a hammerspace crack! Instruct Ogami to use it, and take the girls as well!
Evang: Yeah, go ahead! We'll hold them off, or rather, I'll try to hold off this angry boyfriend. He seems displeased that we borrowed both of his girls simultaneously, and without asking permission to boot.
A lot can happen in one minute. Two small mecha can be hurled into the air, an automatic shotgun can be emptied into a couple of enemies, an entire armored division taken out by just one energy blast, a transformable can explode, and a white mobile suit equipped with Black Technology can disappear into God-knows-where by super-jumping into a blue circle of light and energy.
Scene 5. The mech bay/hangar. The atmosphere is tense, as it's Ogami in his cute little white Koubu facing down Sousuke who is currently out of the Arbalest. With good reason, as Akatsuki is holding a gun to Tessa's back. Somewhat drained from teleporting away form certain death, the local red mage settles for a knife and uses it to keep Kaname from trying anything stupid. The captives are quite a distance from the face-off, out of respect for Sousuke's in-fighting abilities, and as a final precaution, Gort is covering the whole setup with a submachine gun. Everyone else in the last mission was standing near the door, ready to block passage.
Ogami: You might be wondering why we took your girlfriends. In your place, I'd be wondering too. Rest assured, though, that no harm will come to them if no one does anything dumb. Like escaping.
Akatsuki: Oi, that really sounds like it should be one of my lines!
Evang: (Sighing) Talk to the director later. We're in the middle of a hostage situation right now.
He he glances to Akito and Yurika, and gives them a small nod. Seeing this, Sousuke makes a run for Kaname, but Gort reacts quickly and stops him with a burst of gunfire. A bullet unluckily hits one of Sousuke's legs, sending him crashing onto the floor, whereupon the Koubu promptly picks him up and holds him in its grasp.
Tessa: Sagara-kun!
Kaname: Sousuke!!
Ogami: Like I said, no one will be hurt unless they try something dumb. Case in point, this rescue attempt.
Evang: BOS, set up a somewhat straight passage to the Artifact. We'll explain to our beautiful guests what we desire of them once we're there.
Kaname: Great. I get kidnapped by perverts. Again.
Evang: I'd love to respond to that, but your capture took longer than expected. The children may be in grave danger now.
Kaname: I don't give a rat's- wait, what children?
Tessa: (Telepathically) I think it's just a way to soften us up, Chidori-san. The must have been hoping that at least one of us is a softie.
Kaname: (Responding to Tessa) Still, if there really are children that require our help, I will.
Tessa: {What sort of mess could a couple of living Black Technology data dumps help out with?}
Kaname: {We're here to find out, aren't we?}
BOS: Done. The passage won't remain stable long, so I suggest you move now.
Ogami: What about this guy? Sousuke Sagara? You don't want him running loose, right? Do you have a brig?
Evang: Nahh. Never had a use for one, until now. We could just let you stomp around in the Koubu and grip him.
Uri-P: Wow, what thing of wondrous beauty! (Stares at the Arbalest with starry eyes and starts drooling.)
Evang: (Pausing in the act of ushering Kaname through the doors.) Oh, and Seiya? Don't worry if you break the Armor Slave while exploring it, just make sure that BOS takes a good look at it before you touch anything, OK?
The Aesti pilots, the captives, and the self-insert make their way along the quiet corridor. The atmosphere is still, like that of an empty cathedral. Their footsteps echo ahead of them, heralding their approach, announcing their progress.
Tessa: It's like we're walking through an endless corridor. All grey wall, whether forward or backward.
Kaname: At least there aren't any critters running around. This corridor is remarkably clean.
Tessa: Totally devoid of life, you mean. If it weren't for the sound of our footsteps and voices- uh, it feels like a funeral march.
Kaname: And the air is, is, clean. No smells whatsoever.
They stop in front of the massive steel doors. As the last echoes died out, Evang steps forward, still not letting go of his hold on Kaname.
Voice: Identity verification required. State your name and other pertinent information.
Evang: It's as if the voice has softened. Could the children have had something to do with this?
Voice: Identity verification required. State your name and other pertinent information. You have ten seconds.
Evang: I am called Evang, and you know me. Now let us pass.
Voice: Please wait for retinal scan, voice analysyis, and psywave pattern check to complete. Completed. You may enter, Evang-san. We're getting kind of cramped in here.
The steel doors opened, and Tessa and Kaname gasp at the sight that greets them. So do the others. Perfectly formed statuary of the missing children, crafted from the bio-technological influence of the Artifact, in poses that told a story of fear.
Yurika: Nnnnnnnnooooooooooo!!! (Her knees buckle, and Akito catches her.) Ruri, Lapis, no, not you too!
Akito: So it was here all along? And you never had the nerve to tell us?
Evang: I honestly didn't know myself until recently. But now that I have seen it, and have heard the personal comment at the door...
Hikaru and Ryoko start sobbing like schoolgirls. Izumi just stood there, letting her friends drench her flightsuit. Gort and Akatsuki, as usual, stood stoic as ever. Jun, like Izumi, was just staring at the sheer atrocity of the room, why it was all bright and sparkling so cheerfully in the face of such sadness that it wrought.
Evang: I take full responsibility for what happened, and thus I came up with this plan. Miss Chidori, please walk up the steps. Remember that if you want to try anything that we currently hold Sousuke's and Tessa's lives in our hands.
Kaname: As if that knife of yours would let me forget. I'm walking, I'm walking- what the hell is one of those doing up here?
Tessa: Kaname, what is it?
Kaname: It's one of those things. Like in the heart of your ship.
Tessa: A Radichavel? What's a piece of Black Technology doing here?
Evang: So, it is Black Technology. We don't know why it's there either, but when my partner, who is not Whispered but is gifted in other ways, tried to use it, he...
BOS: He went into convulsions and is now comatose. He thought he could use his gift to talk to the device and ask it to release the children, and it scrambled his brain instead.
Kaname: And you want me, you want Tessa and me to-
Evang: (Falling on his knees, just right for a kick in the face) I beg you, please, give it a shot. You can even link up with Tessa if you need the extra security.
Tessa: {He knows, Chidori-san. How?}
Kaname: {I don't know, but the question is, are you willing to help them?}
Akito drops to his knees as well in front of Tessa. He even goes so far as to take one of her hands in both of his.
Akito: Please. My daughters don't deserve any of this. It was the only reason why we abducted you, to find out if you could save them. If it turns out that... that you couldn't, we'll send you three back.
Evang: Akito speaks on my behalf. What he says, if it's about the three, goes.
Tessa: I, well... {What do we do?}
Kaname: {Whatever we have to do. Remember, they might let Sousuke bleed to death if we don't try.}
Evang: Oh, I would never do such a thing. It's not my style, and I find it disgusting and dishonorable.
Tessa: You... You can hear us? You can hear us all along?
Akito: What are they talking about, Evang-san?
Evang: That I can hear them even though they were speaking to each other with their minds.
Back in the hangar...
Ogami: Uri-P, take a break.
Uri-P: Breaks? Who needs them? The thrill of discovery is enough to sustain me. More than enough.
Ogami: But it doesn't cut butter for me. And if I run out of power to give to the Ryoshi crystal, we're both dead. You can kiss your discoveries goodbye, then.
Uri-P: Oh, all right. What will you be having, then?
Ogami: Something with lots of calories and will keep me awake.
Back to the problem...
Evang: What is your decision, then?
Kaname: I'll give it a try.
Tessa: Chidori-san!
Kaname: I'm not asking you to try if you don't want to, Tessa. {Although they might force you to act, using Sousuke.}
Tessa: {You're right. I will help you, Kaname.}
Evang: {A wise choice, my dear captain.}
Tessa: {What are you doing?}
Kaname: {You can talk telepathically as well?}
Evang: {It's all a matter of frequency searches.} I wish you luck, Miss Chidori.
Akito: She's going to try ans save them, then?
Yurika: Thank you. Even if you might fail, we still thank you. At least you didn't just stand there watching.
Akatsuki: Hold on, what's wrong with this girl?
Gort: She fainted, it seems.
Evang: No, she's in a trance to merge with Kaname here. Speaking of which...(Picks Kaname up as she slumps as well and placing her in the Radichavel) There. It's all in their hands, now. The rest of you can leave now if you want to.
Ryoko: And what do you take us for?
Jun: Did you think we can just abandon our friends just like that?
Hikaru: We're staying. When they return, we'll be here to welcome them back.
Izumi: I have a question, though. Why didn't the Artifact take Akito or Yurika when they stepped into the room?
Evang: I think it's full. Ever tried eating three hotdog sandwiches end to end, without stopping?
Akatsuki: If you're sure you can handle things here (Pocketing his pistol after setting it to safe) I have some business to attend to with Erina.
Jun: 'Business', huh? Is that what they call it now? (Attempts a weak smile.)
Gort: I'll be going as well. Let's go, Chairman.
Evang: You know the way out. Oh, and go check on the hangar, will you? It's gotten awfully quiet there.
SCENE 6. Kaname and Tessa are floating, nude and featureless save for their faces, in the depths of the Artifact.
Tessa: What do we do, now that we're inside?
Kaname: Look for the children, I guess.
Tessa: I didn't get a good look at them earlier. Did you?
Kaname: Nope. Me neither. I wonder how Sousuke is feeling right now. He was shot earlier, wasn't he?
Tessa: Can you really bleed to death from a bullet wound in your leg?
Evang: Not to worry, his injury has been seen to. The wound has been cleaned and the slug taken out.
Kaname: How did you get in here?
Evang: I'm not in with you, per se. I am in your heads, for lack of a better term. Think of me as your help menu.
Tessa: That's rather handy. So, where to?
Evang: I think that's a question better shouted out to your surroundings rather than whispered. No pun intended, of course.
Kaname: Here goes: WHERE ARE YOU!?!
Tessa: And then?
Evang: You wait for a reply and home in on it.
Tessa: We're just supposed to float here and wait for a message to come back?
Evang: Well, captain, you can pass the time with girl talk. I don't mind, I haven't been to a girls' gab session before.
Kaname: Well, we do mind. It's tantamount to stepping in a schoolgirls' comfort room.
???: WHO'S THERE?!?!?!
Tessa: Did you hear that?
Kaname: A response! WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE YOU!!
Tessa: WE NEED YOUR LOCATION!!
???: CAN YOU REALLY?!
???: WE DON'T KNOW WHERE EACH OTHER IS!!
Kaname and Tessa: Eeeeeeeehhhh?
Evang: Ask for Lapis Lazuli to call out.
Kaname: AH, LAPIS LAZULI? ARE YOU THERE?!
???: (Weakly) YES!
Tessa: I think she's this way. But she sounds so far and weak.
Kaname: Let's hurry, then. All this shouting out loud, even telepathically is giving me a sore throat.
After endless minutes of floating (that's endless frustrated minutes for our friends the Rabid Pervert Fanboys), the two come across a small sphere of pale pink light.
Kaname: Ano, what's this?
Tessa: It must be her avatar in this place. Lapis Lazuli, are you in there?
Lapis: No. This is me. Are you friends of Papa?
Kaname: Um, sort of. He asked us to get you out of this place, and I can see why. By the way, I'm Chidori Kaname. This is Tessa.
Tessa: Hello. Oh, excuse me, I must talk to our guide. Okay, Evang-san, now what?
Evang: You have to return her to a semblance of her body. Until she reaches a state like the ones you and Kaname are in, she can't help you out.
Kaname: And how do you propose to do that?
Evang: Stay with her a while and talk her humanity to come back. The longer you stay, the faster she will recover herself.
Tessa: Don't we run the risk of diffusing as well?
Evang: Something about your brains and brainwave patterns were altered thanks to your being Whispered. It's still probably confusing the Artifact, so work quickly.
Kaname: Right then. So, Lapis, what's your hair color like? Do you like having that shade of hair?
Lapis: It's pale pink. Sometimes I wish it was darker, but Mama said that it goes well with my coloring. Personally, I don't care. People won't leave you or love you because of hair color, right?
Tessa: That's right. Although the world can be cruel at times, judging people by their appearance. You can see us, can't you?
Lapis: A little. What color is your hair, Tessa?
Tessa: My hair is white. People say it's platinum blonde, but I disagree. I say, call things as they are. I don't mind having white hair, even though it does make me look older. At least it stays white, not unlike Kaname's.
Kaname: Nani? What's wrong with my hair?
Tessa: For one thing, it's green-blue. Kind of like the algae.
Kaname: Oh, yeah? You don't look older, you look old, like a witch!
Tessa: Sousuke doesn't seem to think so. In fact, I think he likes it. He hasn't said a word otherwise, has he?
Kaname: That's because you're his CO! He's been drilled to respect senior officers, the operative word being senior!
Tessa: Will you get off the age track? Or is your limited mental capacity unable of even such a simple topic change?
Kaname: You want a topic change? Fine, you are a wuss! Sousuke would never consider a relationship with someone unable to cope physically with him, like you!
Tessa: Me? You're the one that suffers from low blood pressure in the mornings! And as to my alleged wussiness, I'll have you know, I've done AS with Sousuke during his summer break, and he never said anything bad about my performance! He even praised me! [Pant! Wheeze! Blush.]
Kaname: That's nothing! AS, indeed! He probably doesn't want to look at your face, that's why! Has he taken you "fishing"? Has he shown you his "private spot"? No? Well, I was with him when he did both, and all I can say is, he's good with his rod!
Lapis: Ano, are you two talking like hentai? I didn't believe it was possible for girls to do so, but I think I've changed my mind.
The two Whispered gasp, and turn to face Lapis. They gasp again.
Tessa: You're back. Um, what I mean is, you have your body back. Sort of.
Kaname: {Hello, Evang-san? We have Lapis back to normal. I think.}
Lapis: Hentai onii-san is here inside as well? Is that how you found me?
Tessa: No. We can talk to him through our minds. He's the one who told us to go for you first.
Evang: {OK. Good work, Kaname-chan, Tessa-chan. Now, ask Lapis to bring you to Ruri-chan using a Boson Jump. Take note, Ruri-chan and not Ruri-san.}
Kaname: {Nani? There's a difference?}
Evang: {Captain Ruri Hoshino might have a better chance of resisting assimilation than the younger Ruri. The Captain is around Tessa's age, and the younger one has yet to enter puberty.}
Tessa: {Another young Captain? She must be pretty special. I can't wait to meet her. The naming convention is strange, though.}
Kaname: {Sou ka. Giving two girls the same name? Their parents must have been in an uncreative patch when the younger one came out.}
Evang: {Um, we can talk about names later. Right now, you need to see to the youngest of the brood.}
Lapis: Ano, onee-san, daijobu? You seemed pretty quiet back there.
Kaname: Hai. Listen, Lapis, can you do a Boson something and take us to your other sister? Not your Ruri-neesan.
Lapis: I'll try. We have to hold hands, though.
Kaname takes one of Lapis' hands in her left hand. Tessa clasps Kaname's right hand with her left, and reaches for Lapis' remaining hand. All three close their eyes, and disappear in a bright, sudden flash. They reappear next to a small, pale lilac sphere of light.
Tessa: {Oh, dear, it's no bigger than my fist. Are we too late?}
Evang: {There might still be time. Now, don't break your circle, and try to maneuver so that the sphere is between you three.}
Kaname: {Done. What's next, then?}
Evang: {The hardest part. Pray and wait, and hope that she feels more for the real world than this one.}
Lapis: Maybe... if we touch it, do you think...?
Tessa: It couldn't hurt to try.
Kaname: Nothing to lose in trying, right? Besides, it might make the process faster.
Tessa: There's a song my father used to sing to me when I was feeling unwell, but really nothing wrong with me. I think part of it goes like:
"When you find love in your heart/ You can believe from the start/ Dreams they come true/ When I'm with you, oh, all at once/ If you believe in human touch."
Kaname: Do you know, that song seems rather familiar. Doesn't it begin like: "Can I find the words to tell you/ How I live between the walls of steel and stone?"
Tessa: "How I search my life/ To find some sort of rapture/ In a world where you can feel/ So all alone."
Kaname: "Inside, I'm full of light and laughter/ There's a flame than burns in me/ I need a way to set it free..."
Lapis: Minna-san, look!
The three girls watch as the sphere spins and begins to grow, like a starcloud accumulating matter. It glows more brightly as it becomes larger, finally slowing down and resolving to the figure of the young Ruri.
Rabid Pervert Fanboys: Nooooooo! Not another ssssmooth one! We hatessss the writer, we do, preciousssssss!!!
Lapis: Ruri-chan, daijobu?
Ruri: Hai. Who are they, onee-chan?
Lapis: The one with green hair is Kaname-neesan. The one with white hair is Tessa-neesan. They came here to rescue the three of us.
Tessa: We're pleased to meet you, Ruri.
Kaname: You can tell us what it was like on the oter side later, if you want to. Right now, we have to rescue your older sister.
Ruri: I heard a song... I didn't want to leave exploring the Artifact, but I wanted to hear it fully, all at once.
Kaname winked at Lapis and Tessa. Smiling, they opened up the circle to include the younger Ruri.
Lapis: Next, stop, Ruri-neesan. Hold on, minna.
[INSERT PREVIOUS BOSON JUMP SEQUENCE HERE, EXCEPT THIS TIME, THERE ARE FOUR LINKS IN THE CHAIN.] The four are surprised when they materialize to find Captain Hoshino, whole as possible in this weird world they're in, waiting for them with a bored look on her face.
Ruri: It's just as I figured your plan of action would be. I thank you, minna-sama, for coming to my rescue. Although I did expect you earlier. Perhaps if you sang when you rescued Lapis?
Tessa: That's a rather interesting un-welcome for your rescuers, Captain Hoshino. If it wasn't for the fact that I believe in families staying together, we would have Boson Jumped out of here and left you inside.
Kaname: Not to mention we got the scare of our lives getting kidnapped in broad daylight! There was even a super robot fight in the school soccer field!
Tessa: At least you didn't have a ship that got totalled while it was being repaired! And I haven't given my request for shore leave before getting abducted!
Kaname: Huh? You, going on leave? As in a vacation? To where?
Tessa: I thought I could experience a whole school year with Sousuke. And you as well, Chidori-san.
Kaname: And where do you expect to stay? I'm rather fond of a solitary apartment, thank you very much.
Tessa: (Grinning slyly.) Oh, I'm used to sharing. I have Lieutenant Mao, I mean Melissa, as my bunkmate back at the ship. And if I lived through her beer cans and cigarette butts, living with Sousuke would be so a breeze.
Kaname: What!? You're moving in with him!? You shameless hussy!!!
Ruri: Ano, shouldn't we be rescuing me right now, instead of fighting over your boyfriend?
Tessa: You're right, Captain. We shouldn't be arguing, not at a time like this. (Smiles smugly.)
Kaname: I ought to take you to wonder-girls by the hair and slam you together, but without a real body it just isn't the same.
Hime: Sou desu yo.
Meanwhile, inside one of the Geofront's laboratories...
Rei: Ha-choo.
Ai: Is something wrong, Ayanami-chan?
Asuka: Is something wrong? She sneezes like she was reading a textbook, and you ask what's wrong?
Shinji: That's the norm for her, Ai-san.
Ritsuko: Asuka, keep a lid on that temper. Remember, we're testing the Hyper Turbo Lemon solution under normal conditions.
Misato: She's right, Asuka. By the way, Shinji, (Grins evilly) those trunks look good on you. They're rather small, don't you think?
Shinji: [Thinking] I've been standing chest-deep in this weird red liquid for over thirty minutes now. At least the liquid isn't as transparent as I feared it would be. And it doesn't smell like blood, thank heavens.
Misato: So, Dr. Fressange, how do you feel working for NERV?
Ai: Can't complain. Work is work, and for me, work is good. Sure beats the hell out of being used to further annoy those hentai otaku.
Rabid Pervert Fanboys: Hey! We resent that remark!
RPF Leader: Wait, does that mean that there won't be anymore risque scenes coming up between her and Ritsuko-sama?
RPF Mob: Nooooooo, precioussssssss!!! You will die a hundred deathsssess, Jemu Nekketssssssssu!!!
Back in the SpaceBar's core...
Evang: I feel a movement of force, lots of it. I think they made it, everyone! Yeah!
The "corrupted" area of the room began to shrink, from the outside going in, as if it was all being sucked back into the Artifact. First the walls and ceiling, then the floor, the kneeling figures of the children finally recovering their color and features. They look around, blinking owlishly at their surroundings, and are soon embraced by their tearful parents. There is much rejoicing in the endzone.
Evang: [Thinking] Good, they're safe. Now, for these two. [Climbs up the steps to the Radichavel and lifts Kaname's limp form out of it.] Good grief, that's it, I'm not jealous of Sagara-san anymore. I used to think that being tackled by Kaname-chan was great, but- OWWW!! [Drops Kaname to the floor and cups his nose.] Dang, gat hurt!
Kaname: Itai! (Rubs her shapely bottom.) Serves you right though, for insinuating I'm fat.
Evang: I ninn't say annthin.
Kaname: (Standing up.) You were still thinking it. That mind-meld we shared earlier still hasn't worn off, it seems.
Evang: No shit Madame Curie. Gee, I wonder how long it takes to wear off completely.
Kaname: You mean you don't know? (Bends over to check on Tessa, still lying on the floor.)
Evang: (Glances unfortunately and gets a nosebleed.) Aaaahhh.... uhhhhhh...
what the hell, I'm not even Japanese!
Kaname: Stop it before I really give you a bloody nose.(Straightens)Tessa, wake up, this pervert is trying to look up your skirt.
Tessa: (Sitting up immediately, knees pressed together) He's what?!
Back in the hangar, Ogami, Akatsuki, and Gort are playing cards. Uri-P is whistling to himself as he delves into the Arbalest's secrets. Sousuke has been tied to the Koubu's leg, and his ankles and wrists are securely bound as well. This sight greets the two Full Metal Panic girls and the psionic self-insert when they enter.
Evang: [Looks at how Sousuke is bound] Alright, who's the Boy Scout?
Ogami: It can get pretty lonely out at sea. We ocean men have to do something to pass the time.
Evang: What, playing bondage games with your fellow crewmen?
Ogami: I'd kick your ass for that, but I'm in the middle of a game right now. Hey, who dropped the king?
Akatsuki: I did. Anyone countering it?
Gort: Not me. Pass.
Ogami: Pass as well.
Akatsuki: You gentlemen are so kind. (Plays more cards from his hand.) Four sixes, and a three to boot. All done.
Evang: Great, Akatsuki-san. You can help me get these two to the main lounge and send them back.
Akatsuki: So soon? I thought we could, you know, have some fun with them. Just a little.
Tessa: You promised to let us go after we've rescued the children. Well? Does your word mean so little?
Evang: At least stay until the celebration is ended. Better yet, stay until Sousuke's wound has been healed.
Sousuke: No need for such kindness. We're ready to leave.
Uri-P: But I'm not! I still have to crack this baby open! I must know its secrets! You can't go!!!
Kaname: I thought you said earlier that you've seen to Sousuke's injury.
Evang: I did. I performed psychic surgery on his leg, but I didn't have enough power to heal his wound. It will have to heal on its own, naturally.
Kaname: Great. How long will that take? I'm sure people will be looking for us.
Evang: You'll pop back, somehow managing to escape your abductors, with the help of Sagara-kun. You'll be in the news for a few days, then it's over.
Tessa: You still haven't answered how long you intend to keep us here.
Evang: Ask Sousuke. Personally, I make it a point not to get shot. It stings like the damn hell when it starts healing. Oh, and ask for an honest answer. Your boyfriend is fond of the Kouha style of living.
Ogami: Kouha? I've heard that somewhere before.
Evang: You know, tough, macho, military silent type with a rod up his tailpipe. "Oh, it's nothing, just my intestines spilling out."
Kaname: Well, Sousuke?
Sousuke: A week. Give or take a couple of days. Depends on what the patient is subjected to.
Kaname: A week? But school resumes in a week! Next week!
Tessa: And I haven't finalized my plans- oh, no, Mithril might decide not to grant my leave, and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!
Kaname: Really? I must thank you, then. Arigatou.
Tessa: I'm going to kill SOMEBODY if I don't get that leave!!!
Evang: Then you better do something to make your boyfriend recover sooner, ne? Don't expect help from me, after he blew up my transformable Zaga-2, I think he owes me. And let's not forget that bullet I took out.
Ogami: Hah! Got you, Gort-san. Although that was a pretty tense match back there. Who would have thought you were holding a pair of threes in your last hand?
Evang: All done, then? Ichiro, take Mr. Sagara to the infirmary. I trust you know how to untie him from your Koubu and still keep him bound?
Ogami: Do not insult me, Evang-san. Of course I know how.
Evang: Good. If you keep that up, I might be forced to reward you with a major gift. [Turning to the girls] I'm confining you to the infirmary for the time being. It has all the comforts of home: hot water, a hot plate, beds, TV with hundredds of channels. And a fridge that has everything.
Kaname: Really.
Evang: Yes. Really. BOS will even answer any questions you might have, won't you, old man?
BOS: I AM NOT OLD, AND NEITHER AM I HUMAN!!!!
Evang: That was BOS, our charming on-board AI. Kinda like the Arbalest's Al, but he runs this whole space station.
Tessa: [Going wide-eyed.] Space station?!
Evang: Uh huh. Ogami, you done yet?
Ogami: Ready to transport prisoner, sir.
Evang: Good. BOS, limit them to the infirmary, will you? I'd rather not have our little tub ripped open from the inside by Sagara-san and his Arbalest. You saw what it did to Zaga-2, right?
BOS: Yikes. I'll have this place secured so tight, not even Uri-P can get in or out.
Uri-P: HEY!!!!!
Scene 7. The infirmary. While the others were in the main lounge getting drunk and stuffing their faces, or perhaps in the Wreck Room enjoying the wonders therein, or otherwise in one hell of a party mood celebrating the safe return of the three Mages, the cheesy uber-power guy is sitting with his sidekick. There is no sound in the room, save for the sounds of human breathing and the occasional beeeping of the monitoring devices.
Evang: It must be pretty lonely out there, ne? What ever possessed you to do such a stunt? You knew it was Black Technology. You knew it could have done almost anything! I thought you always played it safe, and I was the crazy gung-ho nut?
Silence.
Evang: I know you can hear me, even though you can't recognize me. But you know something? It is rather weird, without your stupid jokes and insults. I don't like weird. I like crazy just fine, but not weird. So tell you what, I'm gonna do something abut this, right now.
He reaches into the folds of his robe, looking at his friend all the while. Pulling out the ancient tome that he usually kept on his study table in his sanctuary, he began thumbing through the pages.
Evang: Let's see... Lava Burst, learned it; Lava Dart, ditto; Lava Hounds, pure stupidity; Lead Golem creation, nah, lead is more useful for bullets; Life Tap, nope, I'm no vampire wannabe. Aha, here we are, Limited Wish! Hmm. Looks easy enough. Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back.
Laughing at his own joke, he left stepped out the door and into his study. Thank God for hammerspace. While it was true that the SpaceBar had lost a half-kilometer cube, nothing could harm hammerspce. It was an immutable fact of ani-verse physics. After collecting the required components, Evang returned to the still-comatose bartender.
Evang: OK, I've drawn concentric circles of salt, then iron filings. Here goes - abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu pa-LAH!!
There was a loud 'POOF!', and Evang turned to face the source. He found the weirdest thing inside the circles that he had traced.
Evang: (Bewildered) An imp?
Imp: What did you expect, Santa Claus?
Evang: Hey, I'm the boss around here, and I order you to restore my sidekick back to his former state, the before he sat his ass on the Radichavel!
Imp: Sorry, no can do.
Evang: What do you mean, "no can do?"
Imp: I mean that there aren't enough bad vibes around this place for me to do what you want me to. Like where do I draw my power? Would you like to offer some of yours?
Evang: Noooooooo.
Imp: I thought so.
Evang: So how do I get these "bad vibes" you spoke of?
Imp: Simple. Pride, covetousness, wrath, envy, gluttony, sloth, lechery. So long as there is at least three of the above happening in the environs, they will provide sufficient negative force for me to work with.
Evang: And how do I know I can trust you, once I have done my part of the deal? Will you not turn against me, then, try to regain your freedom?
Imp: Don't you humans ever read the instruction manual? Even with enough bad energy floating around, an imp's power is limited by the circles that it has been summoned into.
Evang: And why did you just offer this little tidbit of information? Assuming it is the truth, of course.
Imp: It's truth, all right. As to why, well, I haven't had a fix of bad juju for years now, and I need some badly, man. You and your summon spell seemed like a quick meal.
Evang: [Thinking] Great, I get an imp who's a negative essence addict. Just my luck. [Aloud] At least three, huh? I'll see wha at I can do. DOn't go flying off, OK?
Imp: (Replying to Evang's retreating back.) Very funny. Ha. ha. Asshole. And hurry it up, will ya?
Evang headed for his study once more, he rummaged around his desk, opening drawers until he found what he was looking for. He placed another book, entitled "Pig-Out Cuisine for Idiots," as well as a bottle of red powder on the surface of the desk.
Evang: BOS? How are our new guests?
BOS: They're at Mr. Sagara's ward, boring themselves to death.
Evanng: Good. (He opens the bottle and pours half of its contents into a porcelain bowl.) Here, take this powder and flush their ward with it.
BOS: Just drop it into the little portal I'm opening.
A small circle of blue light appeared, barely a foot wide. Evang turns the bowl over it, spilling the contents into the little vortex. When all the powder was gone, the circle vanished back into hammerspace.
BOS: Just out of curiosity, what was that powder? An aid to tissue regeneration?
Evang: Nope. [Smiles.] It's the newest batch of experimental Urotsu powder that I haven't tested yet. Oh, don't worry, I'm sure it wont kill them.
BOS: Somehow I have the feeling that it's bound to do worse than death.
Evang: How can you say that? Once they take a whiff, they won't be bored for long. [Chuckles.]
In Sousuke's ward...
Sousuke: Ah, you two, there's something I have to say to both of you. Something very important that you should know. It's bound to affect our relationship with each other in a great way.
Intrigued, Kaname and Tessa leaned forward. Sousuke, however, motioned them to come closer to him, patting the places beside his waist, telling them to come closer.
Sousuke: [In a low voice.] They might have surveillance equipment installed. Hurry, this is important.
Tessa: (Scooting closer.) What is it, Sousuke?
Kaname: What's the thing that can't wait until we get to a safer place?
The three were very close now, almost shoulder to shoulder. Sousuke took a deep breath, and reached out a hand to each girl's bosom. The two girls gasped, whether from surprise or pleasure, it was not known. Perhaps it was from both, yes?
Sousuke: The thing is this: I want you. Both of you. Badly. Now.
Back in the psycho-mage's study/sanctuary...
BOS: Yup. I was right. So, how long is this mind poisoning going to last?
Evang: Until they get drenched by cool water. (Lifts the lid from a pot and sniffs the contents.) Ah, almost done. Now to see what we can do for junk food...
BOS: That's your idea of a balanced meal? Some weird vegetables and chips?
Evang: Oh, this isn't for me, it's for the people upstairs. See, I want them to have this for the party that they'll be throwing for the safe return of the children. And there's nothing weird about mashed potatoes with sour cream or butter, boiled yams and spicy arrowroot soup.
BOS: Since when did you become a gourmet cook?
Evang: Since I read that book on my desk. (Goes about preparing the potaotes and the soup.) So, how are our three teeners doing?
BOS: Wow. That powder sure is awesome. I thought for sure that Kaname doesn't like Tessa one bit, but I guess I'm wrong. And Sousuke, he's a good boy, making sure everyone's happy. Including himself.
Evang: [Thinking.] Well, that takes care of the lechery. Now for two more.
Placing the food on a tray, Evang picked it up and teleported to the Main Lounge. He arrived to party music in full swing, to which Gai and Shiratori were tossing their heads to. He made his way the food table, where he saw that Tenkawa had been making his home in the mini-kitchen behind the bar. A bowl of noodles and some other plates were already taking up space, but if you're in hammerspace, there's always room for a few extras.
Evang: Hey, everyone, I brought more grub!
Akito: Thanks. You didn't have to-
Evang: What are you saying? I'm the host now, and of course I want to show that I am happy for your happiness. I'll leave you in charge of the food, then, as there is something I must see to.
Akito: OK.
Making his way to the Omnipotent Author's Hammerspace Device, he paused to chat with a few people.
Evang: So, is this player trying out his lines on you three now?
Ryoko: He has.
Hikaru: To no success.
Ogami: Not for lack of trying though. Are all future women this way? If so, I'm finished. [Grins.]
Evang: How do you gauge success in flirting, anyway?
Izumi: Well, if it's Ryoko you're talking about, the healthier you are, the less your success is. Then again, that's how life is, ne?
Evang: Oh, before I forget, (Spying Megumi sipping drinks with the Houmei girls.) I have something for Ryoko, for sticking with us through all these baka missions. And for Ogami too, for being cooperative.
Hikaru: Hey, what about me and Izumi? We've stuck around too, you know.
Evang: [Thinking] Ah, the green-eyed monster growls. [Aloud.] You already have a successful reputation as a manga artist. Izumi has a bar, which is much more peaceful than mine. So to Ryoko, I now grant her heart's desire. If you'll wear this blindfold and follow me? Thank you.
Ryoko: Try anything funny and I'll make sure you don't have any children.
Evang: Oh, dying is fine, I'll just respawn thanks to the DCA.
Ryoko: I wasn't talking about killing you.
Evang: Then what- oh. OH.
The two stop at the OAHD. By this time everyone has taken note of their progress and Ryoko's blindfolded state. There is a buzzing of speculation as to what the hell is going on. Reaching for the handle, Evang lifts it a little, then pauses for effect.
Evang: And now, Miss Subaru, I will count to ten, and when I reach ten, you may rip off the blindfold. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
Evang throws the devices door open as Ryoko tears off the blindfold. White light blinds everyone for a second or two, and when Ryoko recovers her sight, she let's out a loud gasp. She turns to Evang for an explanation.
Ryoko: You're kidding, right? It's a doll, isn't it?
Evang: Doll? Heck, no! This is Akito from the Miss Nadesico contest episode, 100% intact and all yours!!!
Ryoko: (Tears brimming in her eyes.) You really mean it? He won't take a look at that blue-haired ditz and fall head over heels again?
Akito': No. I'd never do anything to make you feel unwanted or belittled, Ryoko. You're the only one for me. Besides, I like feisty, strong-willed women, not flighty, fluff-brained ones. [Smiles a perfect pre-POD Akito smile.] Come on, how about we tear up the dance floor?
Akito: What the heck? I was that ugly back then? And where does he get off, stealing my Shy Guy smile? I ought to shoot him.
Yurika: Hey, you gutless cookboy!!! Who are you calling fluff-brained!? You're the fluff-brained one for choosing that man-girl!!
Ryoko: What did you just call me, blue bimbo!?
Yurika: You heard what I said!!!
Akito': You, behind the food, control your woman, will you? If you lack the guts to do it, I'll do it for you!
Akito: Yeah, you and what army, you muddle-headed s0n0f4b1tch?
It didn't take long at all for a brawl to erupt.
Evang: [Thinking] My, my, this is an unexpected surprise. I wonder if it counts as wrath? [Turning to face whoever was tapping him.] Ah, Megumi, you need anything?
Megumi: Can I have, you know, (Wriggling her eyebrows) one of those?
Evang: I'm sorry, but the Device can only function in rapid succession for so many times. I'm afraid that it will be offline for a while, as it has yet to adjust to losing more than 10% of its maximum power in the last battle.
Megumi: There was a battle?
Evang: Mm-hmm. Ogami!
Ogami: Nani?
Evang: Pull the women apart. Bloodied men, I can handle, but women... it ain't right, you know what I'm saying?
Ogami: I know. I also feel that way about the members of my teams. Leave it to me.
Evang: Good man. [Notices the look on Megumi's face.] Ano, you wouldn't want your own Akito involved every so often in a brawl, would you?
Megumi: That won't matter. As soon as I get one, I'll go back to touring with the Houmei girls. That ought to take us out from their paths. [Indicates Yurika and Ryoko, now glaring at each other from opposite sides of the room.]
Evang: [Thinking] Ah, jealousy, thy name is woman! [Aloud] Tell you what. I'll tell you when the Device can be used again. If only Jemu were up, he could-
Megumi: Why? Did something happen to him as well?
Evang: Why are you so concerned? I'm pretty sure he'll pull through.
Megumi: Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he never thought about me in an indecent way, especially when I was in a schoolgirl uniform.
Evang: Sou ka. Well, enjoy the food then. I have something to attend to downstairs. Ogami!
Ogami: You rang?
Evang: I have need of a private talk with you in my study.
In the study...
Imp: Oh yeah, this is the stuff. A little fornication, a dash of violence, envy dripping from the walls. Keep 'em coming, losers.
TO BE CONTINUED.