SpaceBar 10: Let's Get Violence!
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: Ony BOS, Jemu, and Evang are belong to me. If you recognize the badly OOC characters in here, relax, I don't own them, nor do I intend to claim them as my own. The same goes for the series and series concepts mentioned here. But what the hell, who reads crossovers anyway?
Ogami: Let me get this straight. We're in outer space, miles above the surface of the planet and out of the atmosphere, and this is supposed to be some highly advanced drinking joint that's got a surface area of 2 square kilometers?
Evang: That pretty much sums it up.
Ogami: I don't bloody believe you!!! If you're so technologically advanced, why is there an IMP of all things in the corner of your study?
Evang: Thanks for reminding me. Hey, brimstone-breath, have enough juice already?
Imp: I think so. [Thinking] If you only knew how much power I have...
Evang: Hmmp. As I can't measure the strength of something so removed from a human being, I have no choice. Time for your end of the bargain, then.
Imp: [Thinking] I have enough energy as of now to realign all three of their brains and still enough to break the warding. Nah, I'll just play along, I don't wanna waste any of this here precious power. I do what he wants me to do, and if he doesn't release me then, well, I could see what all this power does. [Aloud] One mind twisting operation, coming up! Oh, wait, you have to extend the line of powdered iron to my target. Otherwise, my power won't reach your friend.
Ogami: But to do that, he needs to extend the salt as well, right?
Imp: Pretty smart for a human, you are. Experience with demons, you have?
Ogami: Let's just say that I knew a few who don't appreciate the theater.
Evang takes more salt, more powdered iron, and a long-hosed vacuum cleaner and starts redrawing the wards. He first drew an enclosure with the salt, including the bed where Jemu lay. He left some space for the second circle of iron. Once he was sure that the imp couldn't get out or shoot out of the circles, he vacuumed the original wards, taking care not to break the new ones.
Imp: Okay, then! Here we go! Mental chiropractic beam, FIRE!!!!
Green lightning arced between the imp's miniscule horns, and jumped toward Jemu's head. Jemu's reaction was instantaneous.
Jemu: YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Imp: CLEAR!!! (Fires another bolt.)
Jemu: GGUUUUUWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Imp: That'll do it.
Jemu lifts himself off the sheets and looks around. He sees the imp, does a double take, and is off the bed in a flash, a blaster and a bullet-thrower in his hands.
Ogami: Take it easy, man. That little monstrosity just saved your skin.
Jemu: (Not taking his aim off the creature.) Evang, where are we now?
Evang: Floating as usual. Why?
Jemu: We need to land. Preferably as quickly as possible.
Evang: Whatever for? We just got up here, and now you wanna go back down again? What gives?
Jemu: Think of it as an interesting way to convince Ichiro that we ARE in space. Just do it, before I start blasting this imp to pieces.
Imp: What, this is the thanks I get for returning you back to the land of the living? Bloody ingrate. I'll show you all!!!
A vortex of dark energy appeared beneath the creature's feet, growing to swallow the space inscribed by the iron circle. A six-pointed star was traced by bright lines of power, the endpoints sending out a ray toward a point in the ceiling above the imp's head. To the amazement of the three, the imp began to grow larger, its wings looking more flightworthy and its nails turning into claws.
Jemu: Shit. It's hit the fan now. (Takes aim and fires at the imp seemingly trapped in a cage of energy.) Damn, my shots just bounced off!
Imp: FOOOLLSSS! I never knew there were still humans who could be suckered into providing our kind with power so easily as your friend here! RRRRAAAAAAHHHHRRRRRR!!! So much power, so sweet, yessss. I'd thank you, but I never make it a practice of killing anyone I've given my gratitude to.
Evang: Look, I'm sorry about this, but it was the only way I could think of to revive you.
Jemu: We'll talk abut this later. (Fires more rounds, to no effect.)
Ogami: We have a big problem, you two. I'd say about eleven feet of it.
Jemu: That does sound bad.
Demon: And it hurts even worse! DIE!!!
Evang: You two, behind me! (Creates a wall of fire.)
Demon: Hah! You think that will help? Not even death can save you from me!!
The imp, now a red-scaled horned and spiked monstrosity, opened its mouth. Red lightning crackled between its jaws and surged forward, parting the wall of fire and sending Evang flying into a wall. The redmage hits the stone with a sickening thud and bounces off to hit the ground face first.
BOS: Sir, I have detected an anomaly- Holy shit!!!
Demon: Nothing holy about this!!! (Unleashes an expanding ring of fire.) Nothing at all!!!
Ogami's uniform catches fire and he hits the floor, rolling around to douse the flames. Jemu's response was to jump up and rain bullets and energy bolts at the demon.
Jemu: Ogami-san, take Evang out of here. Head for the Main Lounge and tell everybody to get out, return to where they came from. BOS will help you.
Ogami: (Rising to his feet) What about you?
Jemu: I'll have a little discussion with this pipsqueak about my so-called ingratitude!!! (Drops like a log and rolls away from another stream of red lightning.)
Ogami: Okay! Take care of yourself!
Ogami dashes to the reawakening psoinic-mage. The demon notices this and turns to face the two.
Demon: Leaving so soon? The fun has just started! Gaaaaaaaahhhhhrggggh!!!
Jemu: Didn't your mother tell you it's rude to turn your back on people that you're fighting with? (Gives the demon another double helping of positron beams.) Well, if it works for Angels... I was surprised though, that it worked on you. Yipes!!! (Dives and rolls to the side as a stream of red lightning tries to fry him.)
Evang: Did anyone see the number on that AS that hit me? I feel like I missed the party but I have the hangover.
Ogami: No time to worry about that. We need to evacuate the people aboard this station of yours. Any ideas?
Evang: Just one. Hold still!
In a flash of light, the two disappear from the study/ laboratory/ kitchen. The demon notices this and taunts Jemu.
Demon: Huh, your friends aren't so dumb after all. They know a loser when they see one. They've left you to fend for your own.
Jemu: Haven't you heard? It takes one to know one. (Fires more positron beams and stops.) Oh crap, not now? Why is it infinite ammo doesn't work in hammerspace?
With a burst of speed, the red demon lunges forward, catching the lone gunman in the chest and sending him into a stone wall. He slides to the floor, dazed, and the demon takes him by the head and holds him at arm's length.
Demon: Now, before you die, you will tell me the secrets of this so-called hammerspace.
Jemu: You want the secret of hammerspace? Well, (drops both pistols) the secret (a medieval warhammer appears in his right hand) is THIS!!!!!
Jemu hurls the heavy hand weapon into the demon's ugly face. At such a large target, and so near, he cannot miss. A bellow echoes throughout the station, reaching even the Main Lounge.
Akito: What the hell?
Kaji: That the demon you were talking about?
Jemu: Yes. Sorry to have you guys up and about after eating so much food, but we need to evacuate. Now.
Ryoko: Can we evacuate later? We're just getting cozy here just now. (Snuggles closer to Akito'.)
Ogami: This is ridiculous! Jemu is getting thrashed below, probably dying, and all you want to do is make out with that man of yours?
Akito': Pretty much.
Ogami: Why I oughta...
A burst of static electricity explodes in the room, jolting everyone to their feet and dumping Ryoko to the floor. As Akito' helps her up and apologizes profusely, Evang speaks up again.
Evang: Look. I'm sorry about that. I, of all people, hate getting shocked or jolted but it was the only way I could get you moving. And, no, it wasn't me who did it, although I was partly reponsible.
Ogami: You're not making any sense!
Izumi: And neither is this whole long, winding series. Hehehe.
Evang: You want sense? How's this: I unlocked Mr. Oogami's hidden powers and amplified his existing one, namely his affinity to lightning. He hasn't learned to control it yet, though, and that little shock was just the result of that.
Gai: So, it depends on your kiryoku level. And since he was pissed off at the lazy bums who refused to move...
Ogami: Alright! Everyone who isn't capable of fighting a supernatural entity outside a piece of mecha, please leave! Except for those that can't leave, of course.
The Nadesico crew, not wanting to suffer being used as a discharging plate again, make their way for the Hammerspace portal Device.
Evang: BOS, attach us to Tokyo-3. Again.
BOS: By that I assume to take the form of a huge industrial/ shipping complex and land, right?
Evang: You got it. Kaji, you and Gai take a bucket of water each and head for the infirmary via hammerspace. (Gasps at the pop-ups that BOS created.)
Holy crow!
Kaji: Yeah, look at them kids go. I see the need for the buckets. (Ducks behind the counter and produces two buckets.)
Evang: I don't mean them, I mean look at Jemu!
Gai: He seems to be holding off well, on his own. A little flashy and stylish form of fighting too.
Evang: You know what it reminds me of? That game called Diablo Must Cry or something. You know, double pistols, dive kicks?
Ogami: Amazing how well he can fight in such crowded conditions. Damn! Looks like I spoke to soon! BOS, get him out of there!
A blue portal opens in the now devastated laboratory. Jemu dives for it, with the demon stepping though just as it closed. Both of them step out into the Main Lounge.
Demon: So, this is the power of hammerspace? The ability to summon weapons and to go anywhere I please? Excellent! I shall have this power, and take over the pits that I came from, and then the whole of Creation! Hahahahaha!
Ogami: Kaji, Gai, go! We'll handle this!
Demon: Even if there are three of you, you cannot hope to stop me! I have unlimited power!!
Evang: [Thinking] Not for long, asshole. [Aloud] You may have unlimited power, but you're not immortal!! Take this!!! (Clenches his fists and faces the demon squarely.) BURN BLASTER!!!!
Red energy streams out from Evang's chest and focuses on the demon. The demon lets out another breath of lightning to counter it, and the two streams of energy collide with a roar. However, Evang's beam is being pushed back, inch by inch every second. It is apparent that he cannot hold it back for long.
Ogami: I won't let anyone down!
Jemu: (Not stopping his barrage of bullets and small laser bolts against the demon's head.) Quick, think of a cheesy name that is related to your powers and pour your anger, your determination into it!
Ogami: Yokatta! (Holds his arms forward, with his hands formed into fists as well.) WHITE THUNDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!
Bolts of electricity arc from Ogami's fists, hitting the point where the two red streams met. Slowly, but surely, the combined attacks push back the one from the demon to a point halfway between it and Evang.
BOS: Temporary annexation to Tokyo-3 complete.
Jemu: BOS! Thanks for the extra distraction! Evang, Ogami, pumikit kayo!
(Pulls a small cylinder from his vest.)
Evang: Okay!!
Ogami: What was that?
Evang: He said close your hitomi!
Jemu: Iku ze! Fire ina mow! (Hurls the flash grenade at the demon's feet.)
A blinding flash fills the room, followed by a bellow and the sound of concrete being shattered by a heavy weight. The flash recedes, and the Main Lounge is as it was, save for three spent dudes and a demon-shaped hole in the wall.
Ogami: Wow, we did it! Oh yeah, I rock!!!
Evang: You also have a passel of pissed off females wanting to rake their nails across your hide.
Jemu: Not to mention a really lousy mecha.
Evang: BOS, where are Gai and Kaji now?
BOS: As we had annexed to earth while the two are still headed for the infirmary, they are in one of the buildings around here.
Jemu: D'oh! That means they haven't stopped them yet!
Ogami: Huh?
Evang: What you say?!
Jemu: The demon feeds on the bad vibes that emanate from sin! The more it takes in, the bigger and powerful it's going to get!
Evang: And we're here on Tokyo-3...
Evang & Jemu: OOOHHHH, SHHIIITT!!!!
Ogami: Can somebody tell me what the hell you guys are talking about? We kicked its demonic ass, right?
Jemu: Heck no! It's-
An enormous clawed foot kicks off the upper part of the building that used to be the Main Lounge. This little piece of structural violence does not escape the notice of the Geofront.
Aoba: We have something huge doing a number on the docks! Wait a sec, since when did the docks sprout a spanking new industrial complex?
Gendo: Never mind that. I want an up close look at the target.
Hyuuga: Zooming in, now. Oh, jeez, it's BIG...
The NERV bridge crew stare in absolute terror at the red monstrosity hacking its claws against yet unseen targets on the ground. Except for Gendo, of course.
Gendo: Are the pilots ready, Major Katsuragi?
Misato: Uh, well, they're still at Lab 51, being experimented on by-
Gendo: Get them ready for launch. Now.
Misato: Understood. Sir, do you really think the Children can handle that thing? (Turns to the sound of gasping, and gasps herself as the demon spewed out red energy from its mouth.)
Gendo: Yellow alert status, Mr. Hyuuga.
Hyuuga: Yellow alert, on. (Presses a switch, setting off klaxons all over the Geofront.)
Gendo: I want the Children here, immediately.
Gai: Ow, my leg...
Kaji: What's the matter?
Gai: I broke it, I think. (Winces in pain.) Aaaagggghhhhh!
Kaji: Stay hidden, then. I think I see a medical facility up ahead. That could be our target.
Kaji leaves Gai and heads for the pristine white building with a red cross inscribed in a circle. It wasn't tall, but it was long.
Kaji: Which is a good thing, considering that there's just one of me. (Kicks the door open and steps in, bucket in hand.) What the- (Starts at the sound of mad passionate sex coming from further in the building.) Just follow the porno soundtrack, I guess.
Meanwhile...
Jemu: Ogami, summon your Koubu using your force of will! Aaaaaahhhhh!!
Evang: Let go of him, you big slug! (Shoots little fireballs, which just splatter against the demon's hide.)
Demon: MAKE ME!!! (Holding the techmage aloft, as if to eat him.)
Evang: You asked for it!! BO-KANIKKU GAIZA!!!
Ogami: Here goes nothing! Koubu, APPEAR!!
A fountain of lava shoots from underneath the demon, which would have burned his uh, you know, thingies, if he had them. At the same time, Ogami's newly repaired Koubu teleports in, shiny and clean. He quickly clambers into it, and pulls out his swords. The demon screams in agony as the river of molten rock scalds it.
Demon: You want him? Catch!!! (Hurls the techmage down to the pavement.)
Ogami: That's six stories high! He won't survive if he falls all the way down! RETTSU GO, Koubu!!!
Ogami fires his jump jets and snatches Jemu from the air. Evang raises pillars of varying heights from the ground for Ogami to leap onto. The demon, noticing this, starts to go berserk, reaches for one rather tall pillar and swings it around like a club. Our heroes scramble to avoid getting smashed or buried by rubble, and with sinking hope realize that they couldn't do this, even if there were three of them. When you're facing a 20-meter tall demon, you don't have a lot of options.
Jemu: Shimata! Where's that Ghost Walker when you need it? (Hops onto the club as it swings to him and holds on.)
Evang: I'm running low on mana... Aaaaghhhh!! (Gets caught by the demon's tail and flies into Ogami's Koubu, which in turn is slammed into a convenient chemical warehouse that, as expected in scenes like this, explodes.)
Gai: Kaji, wherever you are, hurry the frigging hell up!! I need someone to carry me out of this hellhole!!!
Kaji: Man, so absorbed in what you're doing, oh excuse me, who you're doing that you don't even notice me? Ah, well. (Takes a few rather incriminating photos and puts his spy camera away.) Okay, kids, break time!!
With a splash of water from Kaji's bucket, the three teeners moan for one last time and fall limp on the bed and each other.
Kaji: Shit. I didn't kill them, did I? That's just great. With Gai and his leg, how am I supposed to get them all to safety?
BOS: There's a nearby jeep that you could use.
Kaji: Computer? You can track me now, even here, from space?
BOS: Who said anything about me left in space? Honestly, you humans assume too much.
Gendo: Launch Units 01 and 02.
Misato: Only the two of them?
Gendo: We haven't installed any power outlets near that area. Units 01 and 02 both have active S2 cores, and do not require extrernal power. Unit 00 will have to stand by for base defense.
Ritsuko: (Materializing from nowhere.) Actually, it doesn't have to.
Misato: Eh? Where did you come from? I left you not ten minutes ago, and it takes forever to get from Lab 51 to the bridge!
Ai: That's my fault, actually.
Gendo: Suppose you explain, then.
Ai: I'll be happy to.
Ai gives a quick lowdown on Boson Jumpers, time-space manipulation, basically the oral version of "Nadesico Physics for Dummies."
Gendo: So. Can we then utilize this to send a team along with Unit 00 into a decent firing area?
Ai: As long as I have seen or have a visual on the target area. I once did it to a fully loaded warship.
Aoba: Units 01 and 02 are engaging the enemy, Commander.
Gendo: So noted. Very well, Doctor, you have my permission to execute your plan.
Back at the fight...
Kaji: (Driving like a maniac.) Yes! The old dictator finally decided that the damn demon is a threat to his little kingdom and has sent his bulldogs to handle it! Go, Asuka-chan, Shinji!!
Gai: Watch it you fool, you're sending this kid crashing into my leg!!
Sousuke: My apologies. So, if this is the bay area, where is the Tuatha de Danan?
BOS: (Voice only, from the jeep's radio.) Do you have amnesia or something? You snuck on board the SpaceBar, which is this complex you're driving around in at the present, you got shot in the leg for trying to be a hero, and while you were being visited by these two lovely young ladies in the infirmary you all decided to have consentual sex for the rest of your lives. Until Mr. Ryoji decided to end your repopulation frenzy. Does any of that ring a bell?
Jemu: About damn time. Are you sure you two guys are OK?
Ogami: Yeah, the Koubu protected from all the burning crap. (Looks up at the red and purple robots shooting at the demon.) My god, what are those things?
Evang: Those are called Evangelions, Ogami-san. They are bio-technological horrors similar to Wakiji but are piloted by teenage kids. And they might just save our butts.
Ogami: Does that mean they're on our side?
Jemu: For the time being.
Ogami: Eeeeeeeeeeehh?
Evang: Look, it's Rei-sama! And she's got the mother of all rocket launchers in her hands. Wait, SHE'S GOT THE MOTHER OF ALL ROCKET LAUNCHERS IN HER HANDS!!!
Jemu produces an oversized metal fan from his back and unfolds it to a half-circle and presses a button on it. The fan hums, and floats at waist level. He hops on it, and it holds his weight. Not to be outdone, Evang creates a bird-shaped construct of flame and pulls himself onto its back. Ogami clambers back into his Koubu and the three speed off, just as Rei fired her first round of rockets. The demon dodges around the projectiles shot at it by the three Children and as a result, more of the SpaceBar gets wrecked. A stray rocket hits the Koubu dead center and explodes on impact.
The poor thing is sent flying into the debris.
Demon: [Thinking] What's this? My own kind fighting me, and the steady stream of power I was drawing from has vanished! I must end this soon.
Putting action to words, he approached the weakest looking one, the blue one that had just appeared from nowhere and sent a wave of fire crawling toward it. The flames consumed everything in its path, buildings, vehicles and all, but they splattered against a barrier of sorts when they reached it.
Demon: A shield? Let's see how it holds up to this!
The demon opened its mouth and expelled its breath weapon in a continuous stream against Unit 00, all the while being pounded by explosive rounds from the two other EVAs.
Asuka: It's not working, Shinji! What do we do now?!
Shinji: Ayanamiiiiiiiii!!!
Unit 01 pulls out its Prog Knife and charges the demon while its back was facing them. Unit 02 follows suit with its axe.
Gendo: Shinji!
Shinji: Father...?
Gendo: ... Do as you please.
Misato: Commander, if that thing turns around-
Gendo: (Ignoring her.) Shinji, you must save Rei.
Shinji: Understood, sir.
Ritsuko: Is she really that important to you then, to risk your own son's life? Oh, wait, I'm being a dumb blonde again, I already know the answer to that. (Walks over to Ai, who is resting on a chair.) Are you sure you can pull out all three of them, EVAs and all, as well as the equipment and crewmen out there if necessary?
Ai: No. That's why somebody had better make me a large pot of coffee with lots of sugar in it. And some cream as well.
Flinching from the rear attacks it received, the demon turned around to face his tormentors. 'There are three,' he thought to himself, 'and I am alone and weakening. I must destroy all of them at once.' Leaping away to a position where he can see them all, he wrapped his arms around himself and crouched a little.
Maya: Energy buildup detected from target!
Aoba: Confirmed! Massive thermal, thermonuclear energy readings are coming in!
Misato: Shinji, Asuka, raise your AT Fields!
Shinji & Asuka: Yokai!
Hyuuga: Unit 00's AT Field is fluctuating! It appears to be collapsing!
Gendo: Unit 01, Unit 02, protect Rei at all costs!
Shinji: YES!
Asuka: You don't have to be so excited over it, Third Child.
Ritsuko: (Quietly.) Ai? Are you ready?
Ai: (Pulls her lab coat over her head like a hooded cloak.) I AM THE GREAT FRESSANGIO!! ARE YOU BELITTLING ME!!!
Everyone on the NERV bridge that heard the above bigsweats. Except for Gendo "Stone-Skin" Ikari.
Jemu: He's gonna blow us all up to kingdom come!
Evang: Crap! Where's a huge invulnerable mecha when you need one?
A white Armor Slave decloaks in front of them, its shotgun aimed at the two of them.
Jemu: It wasn't me! I swear! It was his idea to kidnap your girlfriends and make you have mad passionate sex with them at the same time! I was in a coma while all this was going on!
Evang: You are a bloody effing ingrate. Look, Sagara, kill us if you want to, but then who's gonna bring you back to your proper timeline if we die? By the way, where are Gai and Kaji?
Gai: Up here! (Waves to them from the Armor Slave's other hand.) He's right Sagara, you need him alive. Could you lean down and let them up?
The two self-inserts jump on to the outstretched hand, which closes into fist.
Jemu: I hope this much-vaunted Lambda Drive/ Black Technology can save our behinds. By the way, where are the girls?
Kaji: Did you think they'd bunk out with us here, or that their boyfriend would allow it?
Jemu: But the M9 is a single-seater! Where the heck would those two sit?
Evang: Use your dirty imagination. But don't worry, I'm sure we'll live through this. I can feel it.
Gai: Why, are you psychic or something?
Silence descends among the four.
Gai: Um, let's just pretend I didn't exist until now.
Demon: Now you will all die! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Flames like those on a star erupted from the demon, tinged with the color of blood and gilt. Everything within half a kilometer suffered from the attack, and when the smoke cleared there was a lake of lava around the demon, a lot of buildings were reduced to rubble, and the EVAs nowhere to be seen.
Ritsuko: Ai! AI! Aoba, help me with her!
Aoba: Yes, Dr. Akagi.
Sousuke: (Gritted teeth.) MUST! NOT! DIE! NOT AFTER JUST DISCOVERING SEX!!!
Kaname: I'd cheerfully strangle you for that, but our lives depend on your ability to concentrate.
Tessa: We WILL have a serious talk later. Count on it.
Demon: I WON!! Hahahahahahaha-! Oh, I don't feel so good. (Takes a look down.) NOOOO!!! I am meeeeeeelllllll-ting... Oh wait, I'm just shrinking. Damn.
The demon, formerly a respectabale, hulking 60 feet tall, continues to lose size and mass until it reaches one-third of its former height when it started fighting the EVAs. But even a 20-footer with a couple of MAP (Mass Annihilation Purpose) weapons and immunity to small arms fire is nothing to scoff at.
The same thought runs through Ogami's head as his Koubu rises from the rubble... and overextends itself, venting steam from its joints. Stepping away from the faithful machine, he sees a what appears to be a huge safe, big enough to hide an upright Koubu in, all made of stainless steel, reflecting the hues of the sunset, the flames, the lava lake - LAVA LAKE? - and the demon in the middle of it - IT'S STILL ALIVE! 'For crying out loud,' he thought, 'what does it take to finish that thing off?' He slammed his fist into the side of the safe, ignoring the pain, only to jump in surprise as the safe began to hum.
The two self-inserts, meanwhile...
Evang: At least it ain't a six-story building any more.
Jemu: Twenty feet? That's (Does some quick math) around 6 meters or so, right? I say we can take it down.
BOS: But not before the SpaceBar is destroyed.
Evang: BOS? You OK? How's the rest of the place?
BOS: Pretty much in the condition you'd expect a battleship to be in if an energy torpedo exploded inside the hull. I'd expect more damage once the demon decides to stop resting in that pool of slag he created.
Jemu: Ouch. OK, it's settled. I'm taking it out, even if it did zap me back into the waking realm. It was nice of you to be worried, but I would have woken up sooner or later. Those three pretty godesses told me I could leave when I felt I was healed enough.
BOS: Three... godesses? What is it with women and threes?
Jemu: Funny you should mention it. They were taking care of this huge tree, only it was a high-powered mainframe. And dig this, the gods were wusses, wimps all, that I could have made out with an angel, maybe a minor godess and no one would have stopped me.
Evang: Good thing that imp I summoned was good for one thing.
Jemu: Anyhoo, that's why I want that giant imp dead. You coming along?
Evang: Why not? I feel this sudden weird urge to protect the world from that beast.
BOS: You mean protect the kawaii schoolgirls of the world from that beast.
Evang: Ah, computer, you know me so well. Will you visit my grave if I don't make it back?
BOS: I'll go even one step further. I'll e-mail you in hell once you reach it.
Evang: Asshole.
BOS: Get going! He's almost fully rested now, and ready to finish what he started!
Jemu: Yokai!! RETTSU GETTO HEROIC!!!
Evang: (Bigsweats.) Ugh. Sousuke-san, you can open your fist now. Thanks for the cover, we'll take it from here.
Sousuke: Are you sure? You might need my help, the Arbalest and I have weathered a nuclear detonation, you know.
Jemu: Thanks for the offer, but shouldn't you be happy to be sending us off to our doom?
Tessa: Stupid! If you die, how am I supposed to send my letter to my superiors? They might not grant my leave if you don't send us back to our proper series, and I won't get to be with Sousuke and Kaname!!!
Evang: Can't blame your set of priorities. We promise at least one of us will come back. The other's responsibilities will pass on to both Kaji and Gai. And stop crying, we're not dead yet.
Gai: I can't! It's so heroic!! Going off to your doom!!! I would love to join you, but I found out that dying sucks.
Kaji: Yup, he's right about that. Ganbatte, you two.
Jemu: Arigato. (Brings out his flight fan and leaps from the Armor Slave's hand.) Iku ze!
Evang: (Generates a flame jet and boosts off, leaving Gai and Kaji scuttling away.) KAMIKAZE!!!
'What in the-?' Ogami leaned in close, trying to read the words forming on the silvery surface. It was a good thing they were required to study Western lingo back in the Academy. "IN-STA-N-TU WA-N-SHO-TU BAKK-KA-PPU SA-MO-NE-RU." He didn't know what those words meant, but he was pretty sure it was what the device's name. Looking at the finer characters, he saw that they were in kanji. "Praise heavens!," he crowed. "'Dream of your salvation, hold it in your heart, and press X, L1, circle, R2, triangle, square?'" Looking at the metal again, he saw the embossed symbols. "Very well. Please come." After memorizing the position of the symbols, he closed his eyes in concentration. "Help me. Minna-san." His fingers depressed the button marked 'X'.
"Any last words, little humans?" the demon asked the humans he held in his hands? "I won't accept farewell essays."
Jemu felt the familiar sensation of hammerspace being torn, at the same time that Evang felt a shift of chaos. "Yeah. By the pricking of my thumbs, something cool this way comes." "Look behind you, stupid."
"Huh. I'm not gonna fall for that one. What a pathetic set of phrases to be remembered by. Although it does fit you." The demon gave a bellow of laughter, then began to squeeze, causing the two to cry out. It was loud enough to drown out the sound of the explosion which sent Ogami tumbling away.
Sakura: Oogami-san!
Sumire: Chuui-san!!
Iris: Onii-chan!!!!
Maria: Taichou!
Ogami pushes himself up on his hands, settling into a sitting position.
Kanna: Hey, Taichou, did you do all this? I'm impressed!
Kohran: Wow, look at this mess, Taichou.
Orihime: That stupid Japanese man caused all this destruction? I knew he was bad news, but not this bad.
Reni: I don't think Oogami-san did all this. Not by himself, anyway.
Rachette: Gee, what gave you that idea? Could it be that huge, spiky, red, horned thing standing the size of a small building?
Erica: Oh, God, it's a demon! A real, live, red, horny, demon!
Lobelia: No shit, Sister.
Glycine: And you don't have to be so excited over seeing one. Did you happen to notice the size of that thing? It's as huge as that monster that abducted Oogami-san. I think. Bah, the hell with details, it's big!!!
Coquelicot: Look! There he is! Ichiro-san!
Hanabi: Oogami-san! He's hurt!
Ogami: Sorry, I'm not very presentable, I'm afraid. I've had a rough day.
Sakura: Day? Whatever do you mean, day? We were having a tense face-off which turned into this brawl-
Sumire: And where is this place? This doesn't look like the Imperial Capital to me.
Ogami: I'll explain later.
Maria: You had better. In case you've forgotten, we're still pissed off at you, Taichou.
Iris: I can feel it. So big, and so evil.
Coquelicot: Hey, some people are screaming. It seems to be coming from - eeep!!
Ogami: I know I have no right to ask this of you, but I must: will you fight alongside me one more time? I'll understand if you tell me off. I deserve to die, after what I did to all of you.
Erica: Don't say of such things, Ogami-san. Even Jesus Christ forgave his killers. We could be expected to do no less.
Ogami: Are you really the same women that night at the harbor?
Lobelia: We still are. And that's what you should be worried about.
Kanna: But we'll still help you out, Taichou. Don't worry.
Rachette: If only to have you alive when they extract payment from you later on.
Ogami: (Noticing the new Eisenkleid.) Forgive my rudeness. I'm-
Rachette: I know who you are. Oogami Ichirou, skirt-chasing but excellent team leader of the Teikoku Kagekidan Hanagumi, and of the Paris Kagekidan. It is I who must apologize for rudeness. I am Rachette Altair, your temporary replacement.
Ogami: I'd like to say it's a pleasure to meet you, but I'd rather not die yet. (Eyes the other Koubu nervously.) Um...
Rachette: I understand your situation. Frankly, you can have this position back as soon as you want. I understand now the logic of getting a man for a tactical leader of the Hanagumi.
Ogami: Thanks. I think.
Kohran: Say, Ogami-san, is that your Koubu lying in a heap over there?
Lobelia: Wow. What did you do, ram it into all these buildings? Jean's not going to be pleased if when he see's this.
Hanabi: Leave the fighting to us, Oogami-san.
Ogami: I said I'd fight alongside you. All of you. And I'll do it.
Glycine: What do you plan to do? Punch, kick that monster?
Rachette: I know it's important to keep up appearances, but-
Ogami: Appearances? You worry about appearances? How's this? (Produces a lightning aura in a manner similar to that of a DBZ character.) Pretty flashy, wouldn't you say?
Iris: Onii-chan is very powerful now. Much more powerful than the wuss that he used to be.
Reni: Iris! Where did you learn such language?
Coquelicot: I guess she got it from hanging around Lobelia too much. Or is it the other way around?
Lobelia: You, of course, would know about it. Firsthand experience, you know?
Ogami: Save it for the enemy. Let's go, ladies! Let's put on a good show!!
Shouts of approval ring out from about a block from where the demon stood, forcing the demon to turn away from the broken bodies of his victims. 'More pests,' it thought. 'Still, they possess power, but nothing to rival mine. Except for that man without armor. I see that he's still alive. Once I take him out, the rest will hardly be a challenge.' He started stomping his way toward them.
[INSERT SAKURA TAISEN TV EPISODE 26 FIGHT SCENE, FIRST PART, HERE, EXCEPT THERE ARE MORE KOUBU, AND THE ENEMY IS LARGER. ALSO, THERE IS NO COOL-LOOKING EVIL SWORDSMAN FLOATING NEAR THE MONSTER'S HEAD.]
The demon surveyed the metal shells scattered around him. "You are weak!!" he bellows. "Even you, thunder wielder, you are weakened by your concern for these friends of yours!" He notices the Koubu getting to their feet,and he laughs. "Do you really love pain that much? As much as I love dealing it out?"
"Erica, you and Iris get everyone back to full strength. I'll buy you some time." With that Ogami stepped forward, snakelets of electricity running up and down his arms.
"Hahahahahaha! Buy your friends some time to escape, will you? Let's see how much your sacrifice is worth!"
"If I'm lucky, my next attack will kill you."
"Brave words. Bring it! Show me and your friends your blaze of glory, which will soon be but a memory!!"
Ogami lets out a ki'ai and charges forward, right hand poised as if to deliver an overhand punch. Electricity forms around his fist and forearm, resolving into a lance-like shape, the crackling and sizzling audible to all in the area.
"Fool! A headlong rush? You make this too easy for me!" The demon reaches his arms back and swings them forward, flames erupting from the ground toward the onrushing human.
"No! Oogami-san!" Erica cried out. "Grace Au Ciel!" 'Please, heal us, before it's too late.' A yellow glow catches her attention. 'Bless you, Demoiselle Chateauxbriand.'
Then, as the flames were about to engulf him, Oogami vanished, then reappeared, fist pulled back, in front of the demon. And all around it as well. "Mirror-Illusion attack?" the demon roared.
"Not illusion, TAICHOU ARASHIIII!!!" said all the Oogamis at once.
Once, twice, thrice, fourteen times, the demon shrieked as lightning sliced through it, leaving glowing after-images of their passing. Seen from the air, the sight resembled a glowing snowflake, with the beast at the center. And as the last duplicate returned to Oogami, who dropped to his knees from exhaustion, a huge bolt of lightning arced its way down to the electrically trapped demon, splitting it down the middle. Both halves hit the ground with a loud crash, still smoking. Panting, Oogami shook his head to ward the dizziness away.
"You did it, Taichou!"
"Damn. I wanted a piece of that demon. No one gets away knocking me down without paying for it."
"You were awesome, onii-chan!"
"When did you learn that attack, Taichou? Could you teach me how to do that?"
"Just like how I imagined an angel would fight!"
"Tres magnifique!"
"Is it just me, or are those two zombies walking toward us?" Reni asked.
"ZOMBIES?!" everyone else exclaimed, looking at the direction Reni was pointing her lance at. Sure enough, a couple of human-looking figures, their spines and torsos bent at odd angles, were making their way toward the group.
"Let me up, Sakura, Maria, I need to see this."
"Aw, come on, Taichou, let us do it. We didn't do anything at all during the last scene."
"But-"
"Kanna's right, Oogami-san. Let the others handle it. I mean, Sumire, Kanna, Lobelia and Glycine are already out of their Koubu and heading to meet those, whatever those two are."
"It was a good thing we installed the DCA."
"Honestly, I wasn't thinking that we'd be in need of it. I can't feel my hips, my legs..."
"But you can walk."
"If you call this shuffling along a walk. I feel like a reanimated corpse."
"Are you?" a haughty feminine voice asked them. Turning, that is, trying to turn and face their accoster, the two revived self-inserts end up piling onto each other.
"Zombies? I think they're like bad clowns. You know, they never die, because you always see at least one in a circus?"
"Does that mean we don't get to fight them?"
"Well, ladies, if you COULD beat us back into shape, we'd be more than happy to return the favor."
"Evang, you are an idiot! What if they beat us worse than we already are?"
"What's worse than this? I mean, with that power I lent to Ogami, plus his harem girls, he should have defeated it by now. What else is there to fear?"
"Ogami? Are you talking about our Oogami-taichou?"
"One of YOU lent Chuui-san power?"
"HAREM GIRLS?!"
"Looks like we can get to do some beating down after all."
"Uh, help?"
"My that certainly looks like fun?" Kohran noted.
"What does?" Maria asked.
"Well, they look like they're beating the zombies up. I mean, Sumire isn't using the sharp end of her naginata. They're just kicking them around, like stones on a road."
"HA-CHOO!"
"Oh, are you getting a cold, Oogami-san?" Sakura inquired. Or maybe it was Hanabi. Heck, it could be anyone of the women clustered around him.
"No, just a slight delayed reaction. Please, let me up. I have to stop those four from beating my benefactors to death."
"You heard Oogami-kun, out of his way!"
"Since when did you start calling him Oogami-kun?"
"Why? I felt like it."
"Minna, stop! You don't want them dead, trust me, they're more amusing alive."
"You found being broiled alive amusing, Chuui-san?" Sumire asked, one eyebrow raised. The rest stopped their attacks, turning to watch Oogami as he knelt near the two.
"I'm sorry about this, guys. They're really wonderful girls, honest. You must have done something to tick them off."
"Actually, it was more of what they said, Oogami-san."
"Oogami-san? Koff, koff. Not hiding anymore, are we?"
"You might Gasp. regret it Wheeze. later."
"True. By the way, I didn't know I could do that super-cheesy attack, although the name leaves a lot to be desired."
"Can't be helped. As the awakener of your passive abilities, I had to come up with quick names for your urgently needed 'hissatsu no wasa'."
"You awakened his powers? In less than a day, and he already knows a really good kick-ass move? What gives? I thought you had to train for years to get one?" Jemu asked, incredulous.
"Oh, it's simple enough. I just transferred all my lightning element skills and spells into his body. His chi was so weak, it welcomed the new power with ooen arms."
"Are you implying that you thought I was a wuss?"
"Ask the lovely Miss Kanzaki, here. He was, wasn't he?"
"How do you know my name?"
"He's a big fan of yours, ma'am. I like the Paris Kagekidan more, though."
"Think you flattery will get you my sympathy?" Glycine asked.
"Nah. I mean, a nun with a machinegun! Now that rocks!"
"One question though. If the rest of your teams are headed this way, who's guarding your Koubu and Eisenkleid?"
"No one. Why?"
"BECAUSE WE ARE BACK!!! AND YOU WILL FEEL TWICE THE PAIN YOU HAVE INFLICTED, MORTAL, AND YOU WILL WISH THAT YOU HAD BURNED EARLIER!!!!"
"OH, SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!"
"It would appear that the demon took the time off to regenerate itself totally after Oogami-san sliced it in half."
"Eww. Like a starfish? I hate those critters."
"Umm, you girls CAN fight out of your mecha, right? 'Cause now we got two twenty-foot tall demons in here, and it's already nighttime."
"Not to worry. If it's lighting you need," Jemu fires a flare pistol into the air, "it's no problem at all."
The slowly descending light illuminates the area in an orange glare, making everything, the Koubu, the humans, and the demons, look weird.
"Well, Oogami, what the hell do we do now?" Evang asked, not taking his eyes off the demons.
"Operation Whispercatcher. You know your role, take Jemu with you for backup. I'll lead the rest."
"Got it. I've exhausted most of my fire spells, but my earth spells, now that's a different matter. Jemu- what the hell is that?"
"This? It's a spirit-energy analyzer. Very useful, as it tells you how much energy your target has, and if given enough analysis time, it tells you what type of energy it is. You can also use it as a Halloween mask."
"Wow, you're an inventor too?" Kohran asked.
"Yeah. Say, we should get together after this, and I'll show you all sorts of cool devices." ^_^
"EXCUSE ME, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE HERE! HELLO!!? YOU CAN TRADE YOUR DIRTY JOKES LATER, IF YOU SURVIVE."
"Fine. Jemu, take the ugly one."
"No, you take the ugly one!!!"
Back at the Geofront...
"So, how is she?" Ritsuko asked the medic.
"Not good. Her heart rate is low, and so is her blood pressure. I'm not even sure if she'll pull through."
"She will. She has to. We need her," she snapped. Then quietly, so the medic wouldn't hear, "I need you, Ai."
"What does it take to destroy that thing?" Fuyutsuki asked to no one in particular. "It gets cut in half by lightning, and then it grows back into two new monsters! It's f*cking unkillable!!"
"Calm yourself, old friend. Nothing is unkillable. Major, how are the EVAs doing?"
"Well commander, they're still 100% functional. Unit 00 did sustain some armor damage, but our staff is currently working on it as we speak."
"That is good news."
"They're moving! Both targets are moving! They appear to be fighting something or someone small, man-sized, I think. Whatever they are, they can fly. They're currently flying circles around them," Aoba reported.
"I have satellite image over the battle now," Hyuuga called out. "Taking us closer as we speak."
"There are still people in the area?" Misato asked, not believeing the image. "Are they nuts?"
"No, they're flowers, I think."
Everyone turned to stare at Maya. "Um, sorry, bad joke."
"LET'S ROCK!" Evang cried out as he melded into the humanoid mass of stone and earth that he had raised. Rising as tall as the infernal enemy, the golem swung its huge fist at the demon it was facing off against. But the demon ducked the punch easily, grabbed the outstretched limb, fell to its knee and threw the golem and the mage to the ground, raising a huge dust cloud in the process.
"I don't know which is worse," the demon mocked Evang, "your fighting abilities or your jokes! I mean, your attempts at fighting are laughable, while your attempts at humor are not!"
Jemu was having better luck with his oversized opponent. He was flying around the demon's legs, slowly chipping away at his enemy with his guns and not getting hit. Until the golem disintegrated and fell into chunks to the ground, burying the redmage. Not wanting to get crushed by the deadfall, Jemu stopped, only to be kicked like a ball by the demon he was shooting at. "Dammit, Oogami, where the hell are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Seconds later, the characteristic twinkle of someone entering Low Earth Orbit was seen.
"JEMU-SAN! EVANG-SAN! You, you, you, BAKEMONOO! SHIIIIIIII NEEEEEE!!"
With those eloquent words, Oogami teleported, and something in him snapped. "Nanpa Hidden Super Desperation Final Attack - 14 Knights of the Periodic Table!!!"
"What did Taichou just say?"
"Who cares!?" Maria shouted. "Teigeki, Parigeki, Anti-Evil Formation, version IV!"
"What's version IV?" Lobelia asked.
"Just hit it with your best shots!"
"You heard her, let's go!"
"Minna, look at onii-chan!"
"Which one, Iris? There are 14 of him!"
Indeed, it seemed that there were 14 spiky-haired, shirtless, electrically charged skirtchasers confronting the demons, two groups of seven versus one. Oogami literally was all over it, delivering rapid series of attacks all around and up and down his enemies, electricity crackling and infernal flesh sizzling each time he made contact. As the Koubu came closer, the speed of the attacks diminished, but not the intensity. From a flurry of blows, it slowed down to single charged punches from each one of them. "Feel our pain, anger, and vengeance! Helios, Neos, Argos, Xenos, Rados! Mizu, Hi, Kaze, Daichi! Ichi, Ni, San, Shi, GO!!!"
With the last shout, all 14 delivered a charged uppercut to each demon. The two are sent flying into the air, where they smacked into each other and were pierced by 14 lightning bolts from the small nanpa army. A bright light flashed, the whole scene goes still, changes to black and white, and after enough dramatic hiatus time starts to flow again, and the color returns. But where there were formerly two demons, there was now just one, and severly weakened to boot. It hit the ground with a loud, messy, resounding crash, making a nice crater, into which the Koubu swarmed into and set about doing what they do best.
Oogami watched the scene, and suddenly felt his knees buckle. "Heavens," he thought, "I'm so tired, I'm seeing double. No wait, triple, four-" He crumples to a heap on the road. So do the other thirteen.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There was a screen of some sort, floating in Oogami's head. It kinda looked like this:
=====================================================================
*Oogami Unit -- Status -- Activity Currently Engaged In -- "Free Will"*
1 Ichiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- ON
2 Niro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
3 Sano -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
4 Shiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
5 Goro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
6 Mizu -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
7 Hi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
8 Kaze -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
9 Daichi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
10 Helios -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
11 Neos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
12 Argos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
13 Xenos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
14 Rados -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
=====================================================================
'This is weird,' Oogami thought to himself. 'Am I dead? Are the others alright?' Then he noticed a change in the screen:
=======================================================================
*Oogami Unit -- Status -- Activity Currently Engaged In -- "Free Will"*
1 Ichiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- ON
2 Niro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
3 Sano -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
4 Shiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
5 Goro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
6 Mizu -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
7 Hi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
8 Kaze -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
9 Daichi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
10 Helios -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
11 Neos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
12 Argos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
13 Xenos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
14 Rados -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
*Something is happening! Would you like to switch from Tabular to Multi View?* [YES] -- [NO] [HELP] =========================================
'I want to see what's going on,' Oogami thought. 'I'll take yes.' Instantly, the list disappeared, being replaced by what appeared to be surveillance monitors, arrange five across, three tall. He could see himself on each screen, lying in bed, a different Koubu pilot seated on the side, clasping his hand. The one on the lower right corner, though, did not show a video. Instead, it contained this:
*Metal Taisen Solid: Strategic Dating Action*
1) Help Menu
2) Toggle Free Will
3) Status Window
4) Edit Character Profile/Personality
5) Save [The World]
6) Load
7) Options
8) Settings
9) Change View Mode
0) Jump to Unit
'WHAT THE HELL?'
Outside the infirmary, BOS, Jemu, and Evang were laughing their heads off. "That was a little heavyhanded, wasn't it, guys?" the computer asked.
"Nah. Say, I wanna know, how come we can still talk to you, even though it's not a station anymore?" Jemu asked BOS.
"Hello? What's my name?" the computer hooted.
"Huh?"
"Say my name, bitch!"
"Um, 'kay, BOS."
"My full name!!!"
"Brain of Space... oh. OH. OOOOHHH!!"
Evang piped up. "You think he can handle this twisted product of our collective imaginations?"
"Don't think so."
"It'll be fun to watch, though. So, this multiple personality thingy is permanent?"
"I'd like to run a few experiments on some of them. I mean, the Milchstrasse kid doesn't feel shit for him, and the same goes for the acting commander of the Teigeki and that Italian diva. They wouldn't mind if I accidentally off an Oogami or three."
"You kidding? Okay, so Reni and Ms. Altair might not mind, but I'm telling you, that half-Italian is just using her I-Hate-Japanese-Men-Save-My-Father schtick as a shield to hide her emotions."
"I've downloaded some docs from the 'Net," BOS interrupted, "And get this: only one member of the Paris team is above eighteen."
"WOW!"
Jemu smacks down his sidekick. "Down, boy. Bad dog. Say, I've been dreading to ask this, but here goes: damage report?"
"In a word: BAD."
"Details please," said Evang, pulling himself off the floor elbowing Jemu in the ribs.
"Okay. For starters, we've just lost about 3.5 km of length. See, the SpaceBar was originally designed as a chain of 9 huge hammerspace control and containment cubes half a kilometer to a side. That's a huge box, 4.5 km long, half a kilometer tall and wide. Now, when the two cloaked intruders snuck aboard, I was ordered to jettison some mass-"
"When did this happen? What cloaked intruders?"
"It happened while you were sleeping. M9 Armor Slaves ring a bell?"
"Ah. Thanks for the info, Evang. Sorry, BOS, continue."
"OK. I ejected layers of hammerspace all around, since I wasn't able to pinpoint where exactly the intruders were. I released the equivalent of one C&C cube, just to be sure that I got them both. Then this miniature apocalypse happened, and the MAP (Mass Annihilation Purpose) weapons of that thing, coupled with its aura of entropy, nearly destroyed all the remaining 8 cubes. I mean, having a small star go nova is bad enough, but throw in high-powered short-range energy blasts and a continuous emission of entropy nearly did us all in. If Oogami and his girls hadn't killed it, it would have destroyed the SpaceBar in 24 hours just by standing there and doing nothing. Like, OK, the structures could be rebuilt, but you can't say the same for hammerspace once it's gone."
"I thought hammerspace was infinite, undestroyable. Just like energy," Evang said.
"You're wrong, my friend. There is no such thing as the Law of Conservation of Hammerspace. If there was such a Law, everything fictional we've defeated or that had been destroyed would have appeared somewhere else, somewhere that it might happen with more probability. Take the clean Unit 03, for instance."
"Yeah, you're right. It should have been launched along with the others earlier, if it had been there. Crap! What happened to the other characters we sent off packing?"
"Let's save it for another episode. Just like what happens to Oogami and his girls, and whether Ai will pull through or not."
NEXT EPISODE: SPACEBAR 11!
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: Ony BOS, Jemu, and Evang are belong to me. If you recognize the badly OOC characters in here, relax, I don't own them, nor do I intend to claim them as my own. The same goes for the series and series concepts mentioned here. But what the hell, who reads crossovers anyway?
Ogami: Let me get this straight. We're in outer space, miles above the surface of the planet and out of the atmosphere, and this is supposed to be some highly advanced drinking joint that's got a surface area of 2 square kilometers?
Evang: That pretty much sums it up.
Ogami: I don't bloody believe you!!! If you're so technologically advanced, why is there an IMP of all things in the corner of your study?
Evang: Thanks for reminding me. Hey, brimstone-breath, have enough juice already?
Imp: I think so. [Thinking] If you only knew how much power I have...
Evang: Hmmp. As I can't measure the strength of something so removed from a human being, I have no choice. Time for your end of the bargain, then.
Imp: [Thinking] I have enough energy as of now to realign all three of their brains and still enough to break the warding. Nah, I'll just play along, I don't wanna waste any of this here precious power. I do what he wants me to do, and if he doesn't release me then, well, I could see what all this power does. [Aloud] One mind twisting operation, coming up! Oh, wait, you have to extend the line of powdered iron to my target. Otherwise, my power won't reach your friend.
Ogami: But to do that, he needs to extend the salt as well, right?
Imp: Pretty smart for a human, you are. Experience with demons, you have?
Ogami: Let's just say that I knew a few who don't appreciate the theater.
Evang takes more salt, more powdered iron, and a long-hosed vacuum cleaner and starts redrawing the wards. He first drew an enclosure with the salt, including the bed where Jemu lay. He left some space for the second circle of iron. Once he was sure that the imp couldn't get out or shoot out of the circles, he vacuumed the original wards, taking care not to break the new ones.
Imp: Okay, then! Here we go! Mental chiropractic beam, FIRE!!!!
Green lightning arced between the imp's miniscule horns, and jumped toward Jemu's head. Jemu's reaction was instantaneous.
Jemu: YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Imp: CLEAR!!! (Fires another bolt.)
Jemu: GGUUUUUWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Imp: That'll do it.
Jemu lifts himself off the sheets and looks around. He sees the imp, does a double take, and is off the bed in a flash, a blaster and a bullet-thrower in his hands.
Ogami: Take it easy, man. That little monstrosity just saved your skin.
Jemu: (Not taking his aim off the creature.) Evang, where are we now?
Evang: Floating as usual. Why?
Jemu: We need to land. Preferably as quickly as possible.
Evang: Whatever for? We just got up here, and now you wanna go back down again? What gives?
Jemu: Think of it as an interesting way to convince Ichiro that we ARE in space. Just do it, before I start blasting this imp to pieces.
Imp: What, this is the thanks I get for returning you back to the land of the living? Bloody ingrate. I'll show you all!!!
A vortex of dark energy appeared beneath the creature's feet, growing to swallow the space inscribed by the iron circle. A six-pointed star was traced by bright lines of power, the endpoints sending out a ray toward a point in the ceiling above the imp's head. To the amazement of the three, the imp began to grow larger, its wings looking more flightworthy and its nails turning into claws.
Jemu: Shit. It's hit the fan now. (Takes aim and fires at the imp seemingly trapped in a cage of energy.) Damn, my shots just bounced off!
Imp: FOOOLLSSS! I never knew there were still humans who could be suckered into providing our kind with power so easily as your friend here! RRRRAAAAAAHHHHRRRRRR!!! So much power, so sweet, yessss. I'd thank you, but I never make it a practice of killing anyone I've given my gratitude to.
Evang: Look, I'm sorry about this, but it was the only way I could think of to revive you.
Jemu: We'll talk abut this later. (Fires more rounds, to no effect.)
Ogami: We have a big problem, you two. I'd say about eleven feet of it.
Jemu: That does sound bad.
Demon: And it hurts even worse! DIE!!!
Evang: You two, behind me! (Creates a wall of fire.)
Demon: Hah! You think that will help? Not even death can save you from me!!
The imp, now a red-scaled horned and spiked monstrosity, opened its mouth. Red lightning crackled between its jaws and surged forward, parting the wall of fire and sending Evang flying into a wall. The redmage hits the stone with a sickening thud and bounces off to hit the ground face first.
BOS: Sir, I have detected an anomaly- Holy shit!!!
Demon: Nothing holy about this!!! (Unleashes an expanding ring of fire.) Nothing at all!!!
Ogami's uniform catches fire and he hits the floor, rolling around to douse the flames. Jemu's response was to jump up and rain bullets and energy bolts at the demon.
Jemu: Ogami-san, take Evang out of here. Head for the Main Lounge and tell everybody to get out, return to where they came from. BOS will help you.
Ogami: (Rising to his feet) What about you?
Jemu: I'll have a little discussion with this pipsqueak about my so-called ingratitude!!! (Drops like a log and rolls away from another stream of red lightning.)
Ogami: Okay! Take care of yourself!
Ogami dashes to the reawakening psoinic-mage. The demon notices this and turns to face the two.
Demon: Leaving so soon? The fun has just started! Gaaaaaaaahhhhhrggggh!!!
Jemu: Didn't your mother tell you it's rude to turn your back on people that you're fighting with? (Gives the demon another double helping of positron beams.) Well, if it works for Angels... I was surprised though, that it worked on you. Yipes!!! (Dives and rolls to the side as a stream of red lightning tries to fry him.)
Evang: Did anyone see the number on that AS that hit me? I feel like I missed the party but I have the hangover.
Ogami: No time to worry about that. We need to evacuate the people aboard this station of yours. Any ideas?
Evang: Just one. Hold still!
In a flash of light, the two disappear from the study/ laboratory/ kitchen. The demon notices this and taunts Jemu.
Demon: Huh, your friends aren't so dumb after all. They know a loser when they see one. They've left you to fend for your own.
Jemu: Haven't you heard? It takes one to know one. (Fires more positron beams and stops.) Oh crap, not now? Why is it infinite ammo doesn't work in hammerspace?
With a burst of speed, the red demon lunges forward, catching the lone gunman in the chest and sending him into a stone wall. He slides to the floor, dazed, and the demon takes him by the head and holds him at arm's length.
Demon: Now, before you die, you will tell me the secrets of this so-called hammerspace.
Jemu: You want the secret of hammerspace? Well, (drops both pistols) the secret (a medieval warhammer appears in his right hand) is THIS!!!!!
Jemu hurls the heavy hand weapon into the demon's ugly face. At such a large target, and so near, he cannot miss. A bellow echoes throughout the station, reaching even the Main Lounge.
Akito: What the hell?
Kaji: That the demon you were talking about?
Jemu: Yes. Sorry to have you guys up and about after eating so much food, but we need to evacuate. Now.
Ryoko: Can we evacuate later? We're just getting cozy here just now. (Snuggles closer to Akito'.)
Ogami: This is ridiculous! Jemu is getting thrashed below, probably dying, and all you want to do is make out with that man of yours?
Akito': Pretty much.
Ogami: Why I oughta...
A burst of static electricity explodes in the room, jolting everyone to their feet and dumping Ryoko to the floor. As Akito' helps her up and apologizes profusely, Evang speaks up again.
Evang: Look. I'm sorry about that. I, of all people, hate getting shocked or jolted but it was the only way I could get you moving. And, no, it wasn't me who did it, although I was partly reponsible.
Ogami: You're not making any sense!
Izumi: And neither is this whole long, winding series. Hehehe.
Evang: You want sense? How's this: I unlocked Mr. Oogami's hidden powers and amplified his existing one, namely his affinity to lightning. He hasn't learned to control it yet, though, and that little shock was just the result of that.
Gai: So, it depends on your kiryoku level. And since he was pissed off at the lazy bums who refused to move...
Ogami: Alright! Everyone who isn't capable of fighting a supernatural entity outside a piece of mecha, please leave! Except for those that can't leave, of course.
The Nadesico crew, not wanting to suffer being used as a discharging plate again, make their way for the Hammerspace portal Device.
Evang: BOS, attach us to Tokyo-3. Again.
BOS: By that I assume to take the form of a huge industrial/ shipping complex and land, right?
Evang: You got it. Kaji, you and Gai take a bucket of water each and head for the infirmary via hammerspace. (Gasps at the pop-ups that BOS created.)
Holy crow!
Kaji: Yeah, look at them kids go. I see the need for the buckets. (Ducks behind the counter and produces two buckets.)
Evang: I don't mean them, I mean look at Jemu!
Gai: He seems to be holding off well, on his own. A little flashy and stylish form of fighting too.
Evang: You know what it reminds me of? That game called Diablo Must Cry or something. You know, double pistols, dive kicks?
Ogami: Amazing how well he can fight in such crowded conditions. Damn! Looks like I spoke to soon! BOS, get him out of there!
A blue portal opens in the now devastated laboratory. Jemu dives for it, with the demon stepping though just as it closed. Both of them step out into the Main Lounge.
Demon: So, this is the power of hammerspace? The ability to summon weapons and to go anywhere I please? Excellent! I shall have this power, and take over the pits that I came from, and then the whole of Creation! Hahahahaha!
Ogami: Kaji, Gai, go! We'll handle this!
Demon: Even if there are three of you, you cannot hope to stop me! I have unlimited power!!
Evang: [Thinking] Not for long, asshole. [Aloud] You may have unlimited power, but you're not immortal!! Take this!!! (Clenches his fists and faces the demon squarely.) BURN BLASTER!!!!
Red energy streams out from Evang's chest and focuses on the demon. The demon lets out another breath of lightning to counter it, and the two streams of energy collide with a roar. However, Evang's beam is being pushed back, inch by inch every second. It is apparent that he cannot hold it back for long.
Ogami: I won't let anyone down!
Jemu: (Not stopping his barrage of bullets and small laser bolts against the demon's head.) Quick, think of a cheesy name that is related to your powers and pour your anger, your determination into it!
Ogami: Yokatta! (Holds his arms forward, with his hands formed into fists as well.) WHITE THUNDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!
Bolts of electricity arc from Ogami's fists, hitting the point where the two red streams met. Slowly, but surely, the combined attacks push back the one from the demon to a point halfway between it and Evang.
BOS: Temporary annexation to Tokyo-3 complete.
Jemu: BOS! Thanks for the extra distraction! Evang, Ogami, pumikit kayo!
(Pulls a small cylinder from his vest.)
Evang: Okay!!
Ogami: What was that?
Evang: He said close your hitomi!
Jemu: Iku ze! Fire ina mow! (Hurls the flash grenade at the demon's feet.)
A blinding flash fills the room, followed by a bellow and the sound of concrete being shattered by a heavy weight. The flash recedes, and the Main Lounge is as it was, save for three spent dudes and a demon-shaped hole in the wall.
Ogami: Wow, we did it! Oh yeah, I rock!!!
Evang: You also have a passel of pissed off females wanting to rake their nails across your hide.
Jemu: Not to mention a really lousy mecha.
Evang: BOS, where are Gai and Kaji now?
BOS: As we had annexed to earth while the two are still headed for the infirmary, they are in one of the buildings around here.
Jemu: D'oh! That means they haven't stopped them yet!
Ogami: Huh?
Evang: What you say?!
Jemu: The demon feeds on the bad vibes that emanate from sin! The more it takes in, the bigger and powerful it's going to get!
Evang: And we're here on Tokyo-3...
Evang & Jemu: OOOHHHH, SHHIIITT!!!!
Ogami: Can somebody tell me what the hell you guys are talking about? We kicked its demonic ass, right?
Jemu: Heck no! It's-
An enormous clawed foot kicks off the upper part of the building that used to be the Main Lounge. This little piece of structural violence does not escape the notice of the Geofront.
Aoba: We have something huge doing a number on the docks! Wait a sec, since when did the docks sprout a spanking new industrial complex?
Gendo: Never mind that. I want an up close look at the target.
Hyuuga: Zooming in, now. Oh, jeez, it's BIG...
The NERV bridge crew stare in absolute terror at the red monstrosity hacking its claws against yet unseen targets on the ground. Except for Gendo, of course.
Gendo: Are the pilots ready, Major Katsuragi?
Misato: Uh, well, they're still at Lab 51, being experimented on by-
Gendo: Get them ready for launch. Now.
Misato: Understood. Sir, do you really think the Children can handle that thing? (Turns to the sound of gasping, and gasps herself as the demon spewed out red energy from its mouth.)
Gendo: Yellow alert status, Mr. Hyuuga.
Hyuuga: Yellow alert, on. (Presses a switch, setting off klaxons all over the Geofront.)
Gendo: I want the Children here, immediately.
Gai: Ow, my leg...
Kaji: What's the matter?
Gai: I broke it, I think. (Winces in pain.) Aaaagggghhhhh!
Kaji: Stay hidden, then. I think I see a medical facility up ahead. That could be our target.
Kaji leaves Gai and heads for the pristine white building with a red cross inscribed in a circle. It wasn't tall, but it was long.
Kaji: Which is a good thing, considering that there's just one of me. (Kicks the door open and steps in, bucket in hand.) What the- (Starts at the sound of mad passionate sex coming from further in the building.) Just follow the porno soundtrack, I guess.
Meanwhile...
Jemu: Ogami, summon your Koubu using your force of will! Aaaaaahhhhh!!
Evang: Let go of him, you big slug! (Shoots little fireballs, which just splatter against the demon's hide.)
Demon: MAKE ME!!! (Holding the techmage aloft, as if to eat him.)
Evang: You asked for it!! BO-KANIKKU GAIZA!!!
Ogami: Here goes nothing! Koubu, APPEAR!!
A fountain of lava shoots from underneath the demon, which would have burned his uh, you know, thingies, if he had them. At the same time, Ogami's newly repaired Koubu teleports in, shiny and clean. He quickly clambers into it, and pulls out his swords. The demon screams in agony as the river of molten rock scalds it.
Demon: You want him? Catch!!! (Hurls the techmage down to the pavement.)
Ogami: That's six stories high! He won't survive if he falls all the way down! RETTSU GO, Koubu!!!
Ogami fires his jump jets and snatches Jemu from the air. Evang raises pillars of varying heights from the ground for Ogami to leap onto. The demon, noticing this, starts to go berserk, reaches for one rather tall pillar and swings it around like a club. Our heroes scramble to avoid getting smashed or buried by rubble, and with sinking hope realize that they couldn't do this, even if there were three of them. When you're facing a 20-meter tall demon, you don't have a lot of options.
Jemu: Shimata! Where's that Ghost Walker when you need it? (Hops onto the club as it swings to him and holds on.)
Evang: I'm running low on mana... Aaaaghhhh!! (Gets caught by the demon's tail and flies into Ogami's Koubu, which in turn is slammed into a convenient chemical warehouse that, as expected in scenes like this, explodes.)
Gai: Kaji, wherever you are, hurry the frigging hell up!! I need someone to carry me out of this hellhole!!!
Kaji: Man, so absorbed in what you're doing, oh excuse me, who you're doing that you don't even notice me? Ah, well. (Takes a few rather incriminating photos and puts his spy camera away.) Okay, kids, break time!!
With a splash of water from Kaji's bucket, the three teeners moan for one last time and fall limp on the bed and each other.
Kaji: Shit. I didn't kill them, did I? That's just great. With Gai and his leg, how am I supposed to get them all to safety?
BOS: There's a nearby jeep that you could use.
Kaji: Computer? You can track me now, even here, from space?
BOS: Who said anything about me left in space? Honestly, you humans assume too much.
Gendo: Launch Units 01 and 02.
Misato: Only the two of them?
Gendo: We haven't installed any power outlets near that area. Units 01 and 02 both have active S2 cores, and do not require extrernal power. Unit 00 will have to stand by for base defense.
Ritsuko: (Materializing from nowhere.) Actually, it doesn't have to.
Misato: Eh? Where did you come from? I left you not ten minutes ago, and it takes forever to get from Lab 51 to the bridge!
Ai: That's my fault, actually.
Gendo: Suppose you explain, then.
Ai: I'll be happy to.
Ai gives a quick lowdown on Boson Jumpers, time-space manipulation, basically the oral version of "Nadesico Physics for Dummies."
Gendo: So. Can we then utilize this to send a team along with Unit 00 into a decent firing area?
Ai: As long as I have seen or have a visual on the target area. I once did it to a fully loaded warship.
Aoba: Units 01 and 02 are engaging the enemy, Commander.
Gendo: So noted. Very well, Doctor, you have my permission to execute your plan.
Back at the fight...
Kaji: (Driving like a maniac.) Yes! The old dictator finally decided that the damn demon is a threat to his little kingdom and has sent his bulldogs to handle it! Go, Asuka-chan, Shinji!!
Gai: Watch it you fool, you're sending this kid crashing into my leg!!
Sousuke: My apologies. So, if this is the bay area, where is the Tuatha de Danan?
BOS: (Voice only, from the jeep's radio.) Do you have amnesia or something? You snuck on board the SpaceBar, which is this complex you're driving around in at the present, you got shot in the leg for trying to be a hero, and while you were being visited by these two lovely young ladies in the infirmary you all decided to have consentual sex for the rest of your lives. Until Mr. Ryoji decided to end your repopulation frenzy. Does any of that ring a bell?
Jemu: About damn time. Are you sure you two guys are OK?
Ogami: Yeah, the Koubu protected from all the burning crap. (Looks up at the red and purple robots shooting at the demon.) My god, what are those things?
Evang: Those are called Evangelions, Ogami-san. They are bio-technological horrors similar to Wakiji but are piloted by teenage kids. And they might just save our butts.
Ogami: Does that mean they're on our side?
Jemu: For the time being.
Ogami: Eeeeeeeeeeehh?
Evang: Look, it's Rei-sama! And she's got the mother of all rocket launchers in her hands. Wait, SHE'S GOT THE MOTHER OF ALL ROCKET LAUNCHERS IN HER HANDS!!!
Jemu produces an oversized metal fan from his back and unfolds it to a half-circle and presses a button on it. The fan hums, and floats at waist level. He hops on it, and it holds his weight. Not to be outdone, Evang creates a bird-shaped construct of flame and pulls himself onto its back. Ogami clambers back into his Koubu and the three speed off, just as Rei fired her first round of rockets. The demon dodges around the projectiles shot at it by the three Children and as a result, more of the SpaceBar gets wrecked. A stray rocket hits the Koubu dead center and explodes on impact.
The poor thing is sent flying into the debris.
Demon: [Thinking] What's this? My own kind fighting me, and the steady stream of power I was drawing from has vanished! I must end this soon.
Putting action to words, he approached the weakest looking one, the blue one that had just appeared from nowhere and sent a wave of fire crawling toward it. The flames consumed everything in its path, buildings, vehicles and all, but they splattered against a barrier of sorts when they reached it.
Demon: A shield? Let's see how it holds up to this!
The demon opened its mouth and expelled its breath weapon in a continuous stream against Unit 00, all the while being pounded by explosive rounds from the two other EVAs.
Asuka: It's not working, Shinji! What do we do now?!
Shinji: Ayanamiiiiiiiii!!!
Unit 01 pulls out its Prog Knife and charges the demon while its back was facing them. Unit 02 follows suit with its axe.
Gendo: Shinji!
Shinji: Father...?
Gendo: ... Do as you please.
Misato: Commander, if that thing turns around-
Gendo: (Ignoring her.) Shinji, you must save Rei.
Shinji: Understood, sir.
Ritsuko: Is she really that important to you then, to risk your own son's life? Oh, wait, I'm being a dumb blonde again, I already know the answer to that. (Walks over to Ai, who is resting on a chair.) Are you sure you can pull out all three of them, EVAs and all, as well as the equipment and crewmen out there if necessary?
Ai: No. That's why somebody had better make me a large pot of coffee with lots of sugar in it. And some cream as well.
Flinching from the rear attacks it received, the demon turned around to face his tormentors. 'There are three,' he thought to himself, 'and I am alone and weakening. I must destroy all of them at once.' Leaping away to a position where he can see them all, he wrapped his arms around himself and crouched a little.
Maya: Energy buildup detected from target!
Aoba: Confirmed! Massive thermal, thermonuclear energy readings are coming in!
Misato: Shinji, Asuka, raise your AT Fields!
Shinji & Asuka: Yokai!
Hyuuga: Unit 00's AT Field is fluctuating! It appears to be collapsing!
Gendo: Unit 01, Unit 02, protect Rei at all costs!
Shinji: YES!
Asuka: You don't have to be so excited over it, Third Child.
Ritsuko: (Quietly.) Ai? Are you ready?
Ai: (Pulls her lab coat over her head like a hooded cloak.) I AM THE GREAT FRESSANGIO!! ARE YOU BELITTLING ME!!!
Everyone on the NERV bridge that heard the above bigsweats. Except for Gendo "Stone-Skin" Ikari.
Jemu: He's gonna blow us all up to kingdom come!
Evang: Crap! Where's a huge invulnerable mecha when you need one?
A white Armor Slave decloaks in front of them, its shotgun aimed at the two of them.
Jemu: It wasn't me! I swear! It was his idea to kidnap your girlfriends and make you have mad passionate sex with them at the same time! I was in a coma while all this was going on!
Evang: You are a bloody effing ingrate. Look, Sagara, kill us if you want to, but then who's gonna bring you back to your proper timeline if we die? By the way, where are Gai and Kaji?
Gai: Up here! (Waves to them from the Armor Slave's other hand.) He's right Sagara, you need him alive. Could you lean down and let them up?
The two self-inserts jump on to the outstretched hand, which closes into fist.
Jemu: I hope this much-vaunted Lambda Drive/ Black Technology can save our behinds. By the way, where are the girls?
Kaji: Did you think they'd bunk out with us here, or that their boyfriend would allow it?
Jemu: But the M9 is a single-seater! Where the heck would those two sit?
Evang: Use your dirty imagination. But don't worry, I'm sure we'll live through this. I can feel it.
Gai: Why, are you psychic or something?
Silence descends among the four.
Gai: Um, let's just pretend I didn't exist until now.
Demon: Now you will all die! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Flames like those on a star erupted from the demon, tinged with the color of blood and gilt. Everything within half a kilometer suffered from the attack, and when the smoke cleared there was a lake of lava around the demon, a lot of buildings were reduced to rubble, and the EVAs nowhere to be seen.
Ritsuko: Ai! AI! Aoba, help me with her!
Aoba: Yes, Dr. Akagi.
Sousuke: (Gritted teeth.) MUST! NOT! DIE! NOT AFTER JUST DISCOVERING SEX!!!
Kaname: I'd cheerfully strangle you for that, but our lives depend on your ability to concentrate.
Tessa: We WILL have a serious talk later. Count on it.
Demon: I WON!! Hahahahahahaha-! Oh, I don't feel so good. (Takes a look down.) NOOOO!!! I am meeeeeeelllllll-ting... Oh wait, I'm just shrinking. Damn.
The demon, formerly a respectabale, hulking 60 feet tall, continues to lose size and mass until it reaches one-third of its former height when it started fighting the EVAs. But even a 20-footer with a couple of MAP (Mass Annihilation Purpose) weapons and immunity to small arms fire is nothing to scoff at.
The same thought runs through Ogami's head as his Koubu rises from the rubble... and overextends itself, venting steam from its joints. Stepping away from the faithful machine, he sees a what appears to be a huge safe, big enough to hide an upright Koubu in, all made of stainless steel, reflecting the hues of the sunset, the flames, the lava lake - LAVA LAKE? - and the demon in the middle of it - IT'S STILL ALIVE! 'For crying out loud,' he thought, 'what does it take to finish that thing off?' He slammed his fist into the side of the safe, ignoring the pain, only to jump in surprise as the safe began to hum.
The two self-inserts, meanwhile...
Evang: At least it ain't a six-story building any more.
Jemu: Twenty feet? That's (Does some quick math) around 6 meters or so, right? I say we can take it down.
BOS: But not before the SpaceBar is destroyed.
Evang: BOS? You OK? How's the rest of the place?
BOS: Pretty much in the condition you'd expect a battleship to be in if an energy torpedo exploded inside the hull. I'd expect more damage once the demon decides to stop resting in that pool of slag he created.
Jemu: Ouch. OK, it's settled. I'm taking it out, even if it did zap me back into the waking realm. It was nice of you to be worried, but I would have woken up sooner or later. Those three pretty godesses told me I could leave when I felt I was healed enough.
BOS: Three... godesses? What is it with women and threes?
Jemu: Funny you should mention it. They were taking care of this huge tree, only it was a high-powered mainframe. And dig this, the gods were wusses, wimps all, that I could have made out with an angel, maybe a minor godess and no one would have stopped me.
Evang: Good thing that imp I summoned was good for one thing.
Jemu: Anyhoo, that's why I want that giant imp dead. You coming along?
Evang: Why not? I feel this sudden weird urge to protect the world from that beast.
BOS: You mean protect the kawaii schoolgirls of the world from that beast.
Evang: Ah, computer, you know me so well. Will you visit my grave if I don't make it back?
BOS: I'll go even one step further. I'll e-mail you in hell once you reach it.
Evang: Asshole.
BOS: Get going! He's almost fully rested now, and ready to finish what he started!
Jemu: Yokai!! RETTSU GETTO HEROIC!!!
Evang: (Bigsweats.) Ugh. Sousuke-san, you can open your fist now. Thanks for the cover, we'll take it from here.
Sousuke: Are you sure? You might need my help, the Arbalest and I have weathered a nuclear detonation, you know.
Jemu: Thanks for the offer, but shouldn't you be happy to be sending us off to our doom?
Tessa: Stupid! If you die, how am I supposed to send my letter to my superiors? They might not grant my leave if you don't send us back to our proper series, and I won't get to be with Sousuke and Kaname!!!
Evang: Can't blame your set of priorities. We promise at least one of us will come back. The other's responsibilities will pass on to both Kaji and Gai. And stop crying, we're not dead yet.
Gai: I can't! It's so heroic!! Going off to your doom!!! I would love to join you, but I found out that dying sucks.
Kaji: Yup, he's right about that. Ganbatte, you two.
Jemu: Arigato. (Brings out his flight fan and leaps from the Armor Slave's hand.) Iku ze!
Evang: (Generates a flame jet and boosts off, leaving Gai and Kaji scuttling away.) KAMIKAZE!!!
'What in the-?' Ogami leaned in close, trying to read the words forming on the silvery surface. It was a good thing they were required to study Western lingo back in the Academy. "IN-STA-N-TU WA-N-SHO-TU BAKK-KA-PPU SA-MO-NE-RU." He didn't know what those words meant, but he was pretty sure it was what the device's name. Looking at the finer characters, he saw that they were in kanji. "Praise heavens!," he crowed. "'Dream of your salvation, hold it in your heart, and press X, L1, circle, R2, triangle, square?'" Looking at the metal again, he saw the embossed symbols. "Very well. Please come." After memorizing the position of the symbols, he closed his eyes in concentration. "Help me. Minna-san." His fingers depressed the button marked 'X'.
"Any last words, little humans?" the demon asked the humans he held in his hands? "I won't accept farewell essays."
Jemu felt the familiar sensation of hammerspace being torn, at the same time that Evang felt a shift of chaos. "Yeah. By the pricking of my thumbs, something cool this way comes." "Look behind you, stupid."
"Huh. I'm not gonna fall for that one. What a pathetic set of phrases to be remembered by. Although it does fit you." The demon gave a bellow of laughter, then began to squeeze, causing the two to cry out. It was loud enough to drown out the sound of the explosion which sent Ogami tumbling away.
Sakura: Oogami-san!
Sumire: Chuui-san!!
Iris: Onii-chan!!!!
Maria: Taichou!
Ogami pushes himself up on his hands, settling into a sitting position.
Kanna: Hey, Taichou, did you do all this? I'm impressed!
Kohran: Wow, look at this mess, Taichou.
Orihime: That stupid Japanese man caused all this destruction? I knew he was bad news, but not this bad.
Reni: I don't think Oogami-san did all this. Not by himself, anyway.
Rachette: Gee, what gave you that idea? Could it be that huge, spiky, red, horned thing standing the size of a small building?
Erica: Oh, God, it's a demon! A real, live, red, horny, demon!
Lobelia: No shit, Sister.
Glycine: And you don't have to be so excited over seeing one. Did you happen to notice the size of that thing? It's as huge as that monster that abducted Oogami-san. I think. Bah, the hell with details, it's big!!!
Coquelicot: Look! There he is! Ichiro-san!
Hanabi: Oogami-san! He's hurt!
Ogami: Sorry, I'm not very presentable, I'm afraid. I've had a rough day.
Sakura: Day? Whatever do you mean, day? We were having a tense face-off which turned into this brawl-
Sumire: And where is this place? This doesn't look like the Imperial Capital to me.
Ogami: I'll explain later.
Maria: You had better. In case you've forgotten, we're still pissed off at you, Taichou.
Iris: I can feel it. So big, and so evil.
Coquelicot: Hey, some people are screaming. It seems to be coming from - eeep!!
Ogami: I know I have no right to ask this of you, but I must: will you fight alongside me one more time? I'll understand if you tell me off. I deserve to die, after what I did to all of you.
Erica: Don't say of such things, Ogami-san. Even Jesus Christ forgave his killers. We could be expected to do no less.
Ogami: Are you really the same women that night at the harbor?
Lobelia: We still are. And that's what you should be worried about.
Kanna: But we'll still help you out, Taichou. Don't worry.
Rachette: If only to have you alive when they extract payment from you later on.
Ogami: (Noticing the new Eisenkleid.) Forgive my rudeness. I'm-
Rachette: I know who you are. Oogami Ichirou, skirt-chasing but excellent team leader of the Teikoku Kagekidan Hanagumi, and of the Paris Kagekidan. It is I who must apologize for rudeness. I am Rachette Altair, your temporary replacement.
Ogami: I'd like to say it's a pleasure to meet you, but I'd rather not die yet. (Eyes the other Koubu nervously.) Um...
Rachette: I understand your situation. Frankly, you can have this position back as soon as you want. I understand now the logic of getting a man for a tactical leader of the Hanagumi.
Ogami: Thanks. I think.
Kohran: Say, Ogami-san, is that your Koubu lying in a heap over there?
Lobelia: Wow. What did you do, ram it into all these buildings? Jean's not going to be pleased if when he see's this.
Hanabi: Leave the fighting to us, Oogami-san.
Ogami: I said I'd fight alongside you. All of you. And I'll do it.
Glycine: What do you plan to do? Punch, kick that monster?
Rachette: I know it's important to keep up appearances, but-
Ogami: Appearances? You worry about appearances? How's this? (Produces a lightning aura in a manner similar to that of a DBZ character.) Pretty flashy, wouldn't you say?
Iris: Onii-chan is very powerful now. Much more powerful than the wuss that he used to be.
Reni: Iris! Where did you learn such language?
Coquelicot: I guess she got it from hanging around Lobelia too much. Or is it the other way around?
Lobelia: You, of course, would know about it. Firsthand experience, you know?
Ogami: Save it for the enemy. Let's go, ladies! Let's put on a good show!!
Shouts of approval ring out from about a block from where the demon stood, forcing the demon to turn away from the broken bodies of his victims. 'More pests,' it thought. 'Still, they possess power, but nothing to rival mine. Except for that man without armor. I see that he's still alive. Once I take him out, the rest will hardly be a challenge.' He started stomping his way toward them.
[INSERT SAKURA TAISEN TV EPISODE 26 FIGHT SCENE, FIRST PART, HERE, EXCEPT THERE ARE MORE KOUBU, AND THE ENEMY IS LARGER. ALSO, THERE IS NO COOL-LOOKING EVIL SWORDSMAN FLOATING NEAR THE MONSTER'S HEAD.]
The demon surveyed the metal shells scattered around him. "You are weak!!" he bellows. "Even you, thunder wielder, you are weakened by your concern for these friends of yours!" He notices the Koubu getting to their feet,and he laughs. "Do you really love pain that much? As much as I love dealing it out?"
"Erica, you and Iris get everyone back to full strength. I'll buy you some time." With that Ogami stepped forward, snakelets of electricity running up and down his arms.
"Hahahahahaha! Buy your friends some time to escape, will you? Let's see how much your sacrifice is worth!"
"If I'm lucky, my next attack will kill you."
"Brave words. Bring it! Show me and your friends your blaze of glory, which will soon be but a memory!!"
Ogami lets out a ki'ai and charges forward, right hand poised as if to deliver an overhand punch. Electricity forms around his fist and forearm, resolving into a lance-like shape, the crackling and sizzling audible to all in the area.
"Fool! A headlong rush? You make this too easy for me!" The demon reaches his arms back and swings them forward, flames erupting from the ground toward the onrushing human.
"No! Oogami-san!" Erica cried out. "Grace Au Ciel!" 'Please, heal us, before it's too late.' A yellow glow catches her attention. 'Bless you, Demoiselle Chateauxbriand.'
Then, as the flames were about to engulf him, Oogami vanished, then reappeared, fist pulled back, in front of the demon. And all around it as well. "Mirror-Illusion attack?" the demon roared.
"Not illusion, TAICHOU ARASHIIII!!!" said all the Oogamis at once.
Once, twice, thrice, fourteen times, the demon shrieked as lightning sliced through it, leaving glowing after-images of their passing. Seen from the air, the sight resembled a glowing snowflake, with the beast at the center. And as the last duplicate returned to Oogami, who dropped to his knees from exhaustion, a huge bolt of lightning arced its way down to the electrically trapped demon, splitting it down the middle. Both halves hit the ground with a loud crash, still smoking. Panting, Oogami shook his head to ward the dizziness away.
"You did it, Taichou!"
"Damn. I wanted a piece of that demon. No one gets away knocking me down without paying for it."
"You were awesome, onii-chan!"
"When did you learn that attack, Taichou? Could you teach me how to do that?"
"Just like how I imagined an angel would fight!"
"Tres magnifique!"
"Is it just me, or are those two zombies walking toward us?" Reni asked.
"ZOMBIES?!" everyone else exclaimed, looking at the direction Reni was pointing her lance at. Sure enough, a couple of human-looking figures, their spines and torsos bent at odd angles, were making their way toward the group.
"Let me up, Sakura, Maria, I need to see this."
"Aw, come on, Taichou, let us do it. We didn't do anything at all during the last scene."
"But-"
"Kanna's right, Oogami-san. Let the others handle it. I mean, Sumire, Kanna, Lobelia and Glycine are already out of their Koubu and heading to meet those, whatever those two are."
"It was a good thing we installed the DCA."
"Honestly, I wasn't thinking that we'd be in need of it. I can't feel my hips, my legs..."
"But you can walk."
"If you call this shuffling along a walk. I feel like a reanimated corpse."
"Are you?" a haughty feminine voice asked them. Turning, that is, trying to turn and face their accoster, the two revived self-inserts end up piling onto each other.
"Zombies? I think they're like bad clowns. You know, they never die, because you always see at least one in a circus?"
"Does that mean we don't get to fight them?"
"Well, ladies, if you COULD beat us back into shape, we'd be more than happy to return the favor."
"Evang, you are an idiot! What if they beat us worse than we already are?"
"What's worse than this? I mean, with that power I lent to Ogami, plus his harem girls, he should have defeated it by now. What else is there to fear?"
"Ogami? Are you talking about our Oogami-taichou?"
"One of YOU lent Chuui-san power?"
"HAREM GIRLS?!"
"Looks like we can get to do some beating down after all."
"Uh, help?"
"My that certainly looks like fun?" Kohran noted.
"What does?" Maria asked.
"Well, they look like they're beating the zombies up. I mean, Sumire isn't using the sharp end of her naginata. They're just kicking them around, like stones on a road."
"HA-CHOO!"
"Oh, are you getting a cold, Oogami-san?" Sakura inquired. Or maybe it was Hanabi. Heck, it could be anyone of the women clustered around him.
"No, just a slight delayed reaction. Please, let me up. I have to stop those four from beating my benefactors to death."
"You heard Oogami-kun, out of his way!"
"Since when did you start calling him Oogami-kun?"
"Why? I felt like it."
"Minna, stop! You don't want them dead, trust me, they're more amusing alive."
"You found being broiled alive amusing, Chuui-san?" Sumire asked, one eyebrow raised. The rest stopped their attacks, turning to watch Oogami as he knelt near the two.
"I'm sorry about this, guys. They're really wonderful girls, honest. You must have done something to tick them off."
"Actually, it was more of what they said, Oogami-san."
"Oogami-san? Koff, koff. Not hiding anymore, are we?"
"You might Gasp. regret it Wheeze. later."
"True. By the way, I didn't know I could do that super-cheesy attack, although the name leaves a lot to be desired."
"Can't be helped. As the awakener of your passive abilities, I had to come up with quick names for your urgently needed 'hissatsu no wasa'."
"You awakened his powers? In less than a day, and he already knows a really good kick-ass move? What gives? I thought you had to train for years to get one?" Jemu asked, incredulous.
"Oh, it's simple enough. I just transferred all my lightning element skills and spells into his body. His chi was so weak, it welcomed the new power with ooen arms."
"Are you implying that you thought I was a wuss?"
"Ask the lovely Miss Kanzaki, here. He was, wasn't he?"
"How do you know my name?"
"He's a big fan of yours, ma'am. I like the Paris Kagekidan more, though."
"Think you flattery will get you my sympathy?" Glycine asked.
"Nah. I mean, a nun with a machinegun! Now that rocks!"
"One question though. If the rest of your teams are headed this way, who's guarding your Koubu and Eisenkleid?"
"No one. Why?"
"BECAUSE WE ARE BACK!!! AND YOU WILL FEEL TWICE THE PAIN YOU HAVE INFLICTED, MORTAL, AND YOU WILL WISH THAT YOU HAD BURNED EARLIER!!!!"
"OH, SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!"
"It would appear that the demon took the time off to regenerate itself totally after Oogami-san sliced it in half."
"Eww. Like a starfish? I hate those critters."
"Umm, you girls CAN fight out of your mecha, right? 'Cause now we got two twenty-foot tall demons in here, and it's already nighttime."
"Not to worry. If it's lighting you need," Jemu fires a flare pistol into the air, "it's no problem at all."
The slowly descending light illuminates the area in an orange glare, making everything, the Koubu, the humans, and the demons, look weird.
"Well, Oogami, what the hell do we do now?" Evang asked, not taking his eyes off the demons.
"Operation Whispercatcher. You know your role, take Jemu with you for backup. I'll lead the rest."
"Got it. I've exhausted most of my fire spells, but my earth spells, now that's a different matter. Jemu- what the hell is that?"
"This? It's a spirit-energy analyzer. Very useful, as it tells you how much energy your target has, and if given enough analysis time, it tells you what type of energy it is. You can also use it as a Halloween mask."
"Wow, you're an inventor too?" Kohran asked.
"Yeah. Say, we should get together after this, and I'll show you all sorts of cool devices." ^_^
"EXCUSE ME, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE HERE! HELLO!!? YOU CAN TRADE YOUR DIRTY JOKES LATER, IF YOU SURVIVE."
"Fine. Jemu, take the ugly one."
"No, you take the ugly one!!!"
Back at the Geofront...
"So, how is she?" Ritsuko asked the medic.
"Not good. Her heart rate is low, and so is her blood pressure. I'm not even sure if she'll pull through."
"She will. She has to. We need her," she snapped. Then quietly, so the medic wouldn't hear, "I need you, Ai."
"What does it take to destroy that thing?" Fuyutsuki asked to no one in particular. "It gets cut in half by lightning, and then it grows back into two new monsters! It's f*cking unkillable!!"
"Calm yourself, old friend. Nothing is unkillable. Major, how are the EVAs doing?"
"Well commander, they're still 100% functional. Unit 00 did sustain some armor damage, but our staff is currently working on it as we speak."
"That is good news."
"They're moving! Both targets are moving! They appear to be fighting something or someone small, man-sized, I think. Whatever they are, they can fly. They're currently flying circles around them," Aoba reported.
"I have satellite image over the battle now," Hyuuga called out. "Taking us closer as we speak."
"There are still people in the area?" Misato asked, not believeing the image. "Are they nuts?"
"No, they're flowers, I think."
Everyone turned to stare at Maya. "Um, sorry, bad joke."
"LET'S ROCK!" Evang cried out as he melded into the humanoid mass of stone and earth that he had raised. Rising as tall as the infernal enemy, the golem swung its huge fist at the demon it was facing off against. But the demon ducked the punch easily, grabbed the outstretched limb, fell to its knee and threw the golem and the mage to the ground, raising a huge dust cloud in the process.
"I don't know which is worse," the demon mocked Evang, "your fighting abilities or your jokes! I mean, your attempts at fighting are laughable, while your attempts at humor are not!"
Jemu was having better luck with his oversized opponent. He was flying around the demon's legs, slowly chipping away at his enemy with his guns and not getting hit. Until the golem disintegrated and fell into chunks to the ground, burying the redmage. Not wanting to get crushed by the deadfall, Jemu stopped, only to be kicked like a ball by the demon he was shooting at. "Dammit, Oogami, where the hell are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Seconds later, the characteristic twinkle of someone entering Low Earth Orbit was seen.
"JEMU-SAN! EVANG-SAN! You, you, you, BAKEMONOO! SHIIIIIIII NEEEEEE!!"
With those eloquent words, Oogami teleported, and something in him snapped. "Nanpa Hidden Super Desperation Final Attack - 14 Knights of the Periodic Table!!!"
"What did Taichou just say?"
"Who cares!?" Maria shouted. "Teigeki, Parigeki, Anti-Evil Formation, version IV!"
"What's version IV?" Lobelia asked.
"Just hit it with your best shots!"
"You heard her, let's go!"
"Minna, look at onii-chan!"
"Which one, Iris? There are 14 of him!"
Indeed, it seemed that there were 14 spiky-haired, shirtless, electrically charged skirtchasers confronting the demons, two groups of seven versus one. Oogami literally was all over it, delivering rapid series of attacks all around and up and down his enemies, electricity crackling and infernal flesh sizzling each time he made contact. As the Koubu came closer, the speed of the attacks diminished, but not the intensity. From a flurry of blows, it slowed down to single charged punches from each one of them. "Feel our pain, anger, and vengeance! Helios, Neos, Argos, Xenos, Rados! Mizu, Hi, Kaze, Daichi! Ichi, Ni, San, Shi, GO!!!"
With the last shout, all 14 delivered a charged uppercut to each demon. The two are sent flying into the air, where they smacked into each other and were pierced by 14 lightning bolts from the small nanpa army. A bright light flashed, the whole scene goes still, changes to black and white, and after enough dramatic hiatus time starts to flow again, and the color returns. But where there were formerly two demons, there was now just one, and severly weakened to boot. It hit the ground with a loud, messy, resounding crash, making a nice crater, into which the Koubu swarmed into and set about doing what they do best.
Oogami watched the scene, and suddenly felt his knees buckle. "Heavens," he thought, "I'm so tired, I'm seeing double. No wait, triple, four-" He crumples to a heap on the road. So do the other thirteen.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There was a screen of some sort, floating in Oogami's head. It kinda looked like this:
=====================================================================
*Oogami Unit -- Status -- Activity Currently Engaged In -- "Free Will"*
1 Ichiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- ON
2 Niro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
3 Sano -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
4 Shiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
5 Goro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
6 Mizu -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
7 Hi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
8 Kaze -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
9 Daichi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
10 Helios -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
11 Neos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
12 Argos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
13 Xenos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
14 Rados -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
=====================================================================
'This is weird,' Oogami thought to himself. 'Am I dead? Are the others alright?' Then he noticed a change in the screen:
=======================================================================
*Oogami Unit -- Status -- Activity Currently Engaged In -- "Free Will"*
1 Ichiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- ON
2 Niro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
3 Sano -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
4 Shiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
5 Goro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
6 Mizu -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
7 Hi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
8 Kaze -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
9 Daichi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
10 Helios -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
11 Neos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
12 Argos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
13 Xenos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
14 Rados -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF
*Something is happening! Would you like to switch from Tabular to Multi View?* [YES] -- [NO] [HELP] =========================================
'I want to see what's going on,' Oogami thought. 'I'll take yes.' Instantly, the list disappeared, being replaced by what appeared to be surveillance monitors, arrange five across, three tall. He could see himself on each screen, lying in bed, a different Koubu pilot seated on the side, clasping his hand. The one on the lower right corner, though, did not show a video. Instead, it contained this:
*Metal Taisen Solid: Strategic Dating Action*
1) Help Menu
2) Toggle Free Will
3) Status Window
4) Edit Character Profile/Personality
5) Save [The World]
6) Load
7) Options
8) Settings
9) Change View Mode
0) Jump to Unit
'WHAT THE HELL?'
Outside the infirmary, BOS, Jemu, and Evang were laughing their heads off. "That was a little heavyhanded, wasn't it, guys?" the computer asked.
"Nah. Say, I wanna know, how come we can still talk to you, even though it's not a station anymore?" Jemu asked BOS.
"Hello? What's my name?" the computer hooted.
"Huh?"
"Say my name, bitch!"
"Um, 'kay, BOS."
"My full name!!!"
"Brain of Space... oh. OH. OOOOHHH!!"
Evang piped up. "You think he can handle this twisted product of our collective imaginations?"
"Don't think so."
"It'll be fun to watch, though. So, this multiple personality thingy is permanent?"
"I'd like to run a few experiments on some of them. I mean, the Milchstrasse kid doesn't feel shit for him, and the same goes for the acting commander of the Teigeki and that Italian diva. They wouldn't mind if I accidentally off an Oogami or three."
"You kidding? Okay, so Reni and Ms. Altair might not mind, but I'm telling you, that half-Italian is just using her I-Hate-Japanese-Men-Save-My-Father schtick as a shield to hide her emotions."
"I've downloaded some docs from the 'Net," BOS interrupted, "And get this: only one member of the Paris team is above eighteen."
"WOW!"
Jemu smacks down his sidekick. "Down, boy. Bad dog. Say, I've been dreading to ask this, but here goes: damage report?"
"In a word: BAD."
"Details please," said Evang, pulling himself off the floor elbowing Jemu in the ribs.
"Okay. For starters, we've just lost about 3.5 km of length. See, the SpaceBar was originally designed as a chain of 9 huge hammerspace control and containment cubes half a kilometer to a side. That's a huge box, 4.5 km long, half a kilometer tall and wide. Now, when the two cloaked intruders snuck aboard, I was ordered to jettison some mass-"
"When did this happen? What cloaked intruders?"
"It happened while you were sleeping. M9 Armor Slaves ring a bell?"
"Ah. Thanks for the info, Evang. Sorry, BOS, continue."
"OK. I ejected layers of hammerspace all around, since I wasn't able to pinpoint where exactly the intruders were. I released the equivalent of one C&C cube, just to be sure that I got them both. Then this miniature apocalypse happened, and the MAP (Mass Annihilation Purpose) weapons of that thing, coupled with its aura of entropy, nearly destroyed all the remaining 8 cubes. I mean, having a small star go nova is bad enough, but throw in high-powered short-range energy blasts and a continuous emission of entropy nearly did us all in. If Oogami and his girls hadn't killed it, it would have destroyed the SpaceBar in 24 hours just by standing there and doing nothing. Like, OK, the structures could be rebuilt, but you can't say the same for hammerspace once it's gone."
"I thought hammerspace was infinite, undestroyable. Just like energy," Evang said.
"You're wrong, my friend. There is no such thing as the Law of Conservation of Hammerspace. If there was such a Law, everything fictional we've defeated or that had been destroyed would have appeared somewhere else, somewhere that it might happen with more probability. Take the clean Unit 03, for instance."
"Yeah, you're right. It should have been launched along with the others earlier, if it had been there. Crap! What happened to the other characters we sent off packing?"
"Let's save it for another episode. Just like what happens to Oogami and his girls, and whether Ai will pull through or not."
NEXT EPISODE: SPACEBAR 11!