SpaceBar Adventures 11: System Recovery Episode
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the following series which I have messed up with in my last ten works, and probably more so in my upcoming ones: Takes a deep breath Kidou Senkan Nadesico, Shin Seiki Evangelion, Full Metal Panic, and Sakura Taisen. I also ripped off a few song lines from Mazinger Z, Gekiganger, and Gundam X. If you want to send flames, icicles, bolts, whatever, go ahead.
Author's Note: This will be my first attempt to write totally without resorting to script format. If you find mistakes, or you see script format, it means I couldn't take it anymore, the strain was too much.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The surrounding buildings are being hosed down, the debris being cleared, with the dubious assistance of Tokyo-3. After all, the least they could have done was this, seeing that this "Neo-Industrial Complex" took most of the beating. If it hadn't been there, more of their fair city would have been leveled. Of course, given the weekly attacks of extraterrestrial horrors that Tokyo-3 gets, the citizens were more or less inured to the effects of a massive battle downtown.
It was daybreak, and the early light fell on the two figures sitting against the wall of a white building with a red cross painted on the roof. One of them, wearing a tattered red cloak and looking like he just stepped out of a medieval fantasy roleplaying game, was sleeping. The other, dressed in a modern business shirt, pants, and gunbelts on his sides and waist, was hunched over a portable computer. He wasn't typing on the keyboard, though; he was speaking quietly to the monitor, so as not to wake up his snoring companion.
"Status report, please."
"Everyone on this berg is fine. The fires are being put out, the place getting cleaned up, the three oversexed teenagers from FMP are dozing in separate beds in the infirmary, as are Gai and Kaji."
"Hmm." Jemu falls silent for a moment. "And have you filesaved the Arbalest's anatomy in to your databases?"
"Yeah, and what's more, I now have a working knowledge of Black Technology. That, coupled with the Improbability Machine, the Chrono-Twister, and the Boson Jump Blackbox, I can attempt to return us to mobile mode."
"Attempt? As in, `It's risky, we're not sure if it will succeed but we'll go ahead, anyway?`"
"Um, yes. But at least we tried!"
"Go to hell."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sousuke Sagara woke up, feeling disoriented. All he remembered was watching a huge lightning storm last night, and talking to Tessa and Kaname until he fell asleep from, exhaustion, he guessed. Blinking against the light that streamed in from a window, he pushed himself up. At least, he tried to. He found that he couldn't, and when he looked down, he knew why.
Kaname Chidori muttered something about "zero-gravity suspension systems" and some other nonsense and snuggled deeper into her pillow. 'Funny,' Kaname's mind told itself sleepily, 'I didn't know hospital pillows grew bones nowadays. I do hope it doesn't become a trend, because playing hooky would lose some of its appeal.'
Teletha Tesstarossa, Tessa to those close to her, was dreaming of white slopes, blue skies, snow falling gently from the clouds, and a snowmobile ride downhill with her favorite subordinate. They were going rather fast, which Tessa didn't mind at all and in fact enjoyed, until they went over a ramp and flying into the air. Not wanting to get thrown, she grabbed on to her companion, hard.
Sousuke grinned. After all, school was still out, his CO and his ward didn't need to be protected or rescued. All in all, a good reason to sleep in. Pulling the two closer, he closed his eyes again, a silly smile on his face.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Oogami Ichiro's consciousness was a computer monitor, currently running on a non-graphic user interface. In other words, text and type mode. It was also asking him a rather pressing question:
WARNING! MAJOR CHANGES HAVE BEEN MADE TO 13 SUB-PROFILES. DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED? (Y/N)_
"Hell, yeah, let's go!" Oogami said aloud. This little outburst woke the long-haired maiden in the chair next to him.
"Oogami-kun?"
ONCE UPDATED, THE CHANGES CANNOT BE UNDONE. YOU ARE AWARE, OF COURSE, OF THE INSANE POSSIBILITIES THIS ACTION MIGHT SPAWN. YOU HAVE SELECTED THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS:
[X] FREE WILL ON ALL SUB-UNITS (full consciousness and sense of self)
[X] HUMANITY 100% (all emotions, good and bad enabled, learning enabled)
[X] FAITHFUL (if the box is checked, no skirt-chasing for those affected)
[X] MULTIFORM SUPER FORCES RECOMBINATION (just like it says)
[X] COMMAND MENU WHEN K.O.d (no need to explain this one)
PROCEED? (Y/N)
"I can't wait anymore! Let's do it already!"
ABANDON HOPE, NOW. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
He woke up with a gasp. Damn, but his head hurt. "I sincerely hope that those guys feel as bad as I do. Oh, my head."
"Oogami-kun, are you alright?" Sakura inquired, worried. "Do you need medicine? Water?"
'Time to try something out,' Oogami thought. "Oogami-kun? Is that what my name is?"
'Oh, dear, he doesn't remember his own name!' Sakura thought, horrified. "Well, yes. You're Oogami Ichirou, and I'm-"
"I remember you! You're my wife! Come here and give me a kiss, darling." He reached for her, pulling her out of the seat and onto the bed.
SLAP!!!!!
"ITAIII!! Sakura, don't tell me you've taken to asking Kanna to teach you her karate." Oogami lifted his left hand to his cheek. He had the feeling that he was going to be sporting a very interesting tattoo later in the day. Still, his right hand did not relinquish its hold on the girl's knee. Not when she could use it to do some MAJOR DAMAGE.
Sakura edged away from him as quickly as possible in her awkward position. Her skirts getting tangled with the sheets and his legs weren't exactly helping either. "Oogami-san, you're inexcusable! Let me go!" She wasn't too quiet with her last statement, causing the rest of the Kagekidan to wake up.
"Sakura, what's the racket about? It's an unholy time to be up and screaming the whole place down!" Sumire demanded crossly.
"It's amazing to see her up and screeching so early in the morning. Then again, what can we expect from the Magnificent snake woman?" Kanna retorted, not bothering to stifle a yawn.
"What did you mean by that remark, you monkIIIIIYAAAAAAAAH!" Sumire shrieked in surprised as she felt someone squeeze her bottom. Never, never before had anyone dared do such to her, not even her admirers. Looking behind her, she saw that the hand was attached to an arm belonging to an amused Oogami.
"I just love that squeal of yours, Sumire. Such a nice pitch and strength to it. I wonder what else would elicit such a sound from you?"
SLAP!!!!! Scratch, Scratch, Scratch, Scratch!
The two Oogamis being watched over by Coquelicot and Iris looked at each other. One of them raised his eyebrow, as if to ask something, to which the other one replied "This is going to be a very interesting day, my friend."
"The first of many. What the-! Iris!"
"Onii-chan is awake! Wai! Iris can tell everybody that she slept with Onii-chan!!!"
"Ano, Iris, I don't think that would be to good an idea," Coquelicot advised her friend.
"Why? It's true, isn't it? You also spent the night with Onii-chan."
The little brunette had the decency to redden slightly at her friend's innocent yet dangerous remark. "Because-" she walked around the bed to whisper something to Iris.
"Dude, you look like a pedophile, having a kid on your bed and another just standing beside it."
"Aw, come on, man. Don't I look like an invalid older brother that they're checking on?"
"Let's see. If they're sisters, then why don't you share either hair or eye color with them?"
"Ah, ah, I was born on the wrong side of the blanket?"
"Even worse. I think bastards can marry their half-sisters."
"THEY WHAT!!!"
"I'm not too sure. I mean, I'm a sailor, not a lawyer!"
"Know the difference between a sailor and a lawyer? If you toss both in a shark-infested part of the ocean, the sailor dies."
Several loud crashes, then some loud male groans were heard. Yep, it was going to be a very interesting morning.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Outside, Jemu was laughing his fool head off, waking up the sleeping redmage. "Hey, jackass, what's so funny?" Evang asked grumpily. He was having such a nice dream about steaming bowls of rice and a bunny girl and a couple of cute cat-girl sisters. The things one could do with rice, if one had enough creativity. The thoughts made his mouth water.
Jemu showed him the video feed from inside the infirmary, and Evang roared with mirth. "Baka player taichou. Serves him right. Oww. That's got to hurt," he commented when Kanna connected to a rather vulnerable spot.
"I'm betting that that particular Oogami would be beating Orihime when it comes to singing the high notes for maybe the whole day."
"Shame. If it was for longer, maybe he could audition for a role."
The two men shared a chuckle, then looked up as the infirmary doors flew open. Sousuke Sagara dashed out, his, ahem, former bedmates in tow.
"Good morning, Mr. Sagara. We haven't been introduced yet. I'm Jemu, the other half of, or rather third of this crazy operation."
"You're the one in charge of that madhouse in there?" Sousuke asked.
"No, that dubious honor goes to my partner, here."
"So, my boy, how's the leg? All fixed up, hmm? And you, ladies? All bangGURPHKKK!" Evang never got to finish his sentence, as Jemu jammed a fist in his mouth to prevent him from speaking.
"If you'll forgive this barbarian here? Now, if I remember correctly, there's a certain letter that needed to be delivered somewhere?"
BOS chimed in from the laptop before the captain of the Tuatha de Danan could reply. "Alright! I have it! 74% chance of success! Am I a genius or what?"
Evang was puzzled. Pulling Jemu's fist out of his big mouth, he asked "74% success on what?"
"On being able to fold out of attachment from Tokyo-3, with an imperfect manipulation the Radichavel in my core, that's what. With a Whispered in the seat, though, it's an automatic success!"
"There are no things that are 'automatic' in this life," Tessa quipped. "And what makes you think we'd help you, after kidnapping us?"
"Well, you did help us rescue those three trapped children."
"You are hardly children, you know. Unless you consider mental age," Kaname retorted.
"OK, Captain Tesstarossa, consider this. If the SpaceBar lifts off again, we can ensure the delivery of your letter to wherever you point us to. Unless of course, you don't want us finding where Mithril HQ is. Still, if you do this for us, your letter will be sent. We'll even drop you off at Sousuke's flat, or Kaname's, whichever you prefer. We'll also inform Weber-san and Mao-san of your whereabouts so that they won't go looking for you."
"I'd rather not have those two know where I'm going on my leave."
"But of course. So, tell me, Captain, will you deal with this computer? If not, I'll just study the Radichavel for another day, and I can do the feat without your assistance. Either way, the SpaceBar will fly again," BOS continued.
"DUCK!!!" Jemu exclaimed, diving for the ground. Seeing this, Sousuke reacted, pulling down Kaname and Tessa on top of him as he fell. At the last moment, Evang dropped as well, an energy blast burning through the infirmary wall and neatly scorching his hair down the middle. The beam continued, and splattered against something. A second later, an M9 appeared, it's left knee smoking. It fell sideways, forcing a second M9 to decloak from the impact. After the crash, the infirmary and the surroundings fell silent. It was broken by the sound of Ryoji Kaji and Daigouji Gai cursing. The doors flew open, and the whole circus came outside for a look-see.
"Looks like a bona fide cotillion promenade, eh?" Evang quipped. As if choreographed, the Oogami army marched out single file, the Kagekidan members doing the same to the left of them. They formed a neat row, an Oogami alternating with a girl until the end, all looking at the M9s and their pilots as they crawled out. Then, Kaji, with two day's growth of beard on his face, peeked out and grinned in relief.
"Freaky, is what it is. Wait till Yoneda and Grand Mere hear about this," Jemu replied. "Better yet, when they see this. They are not gonna believe their eyes. Even that old drunk will sober up when he sees gets a load of this."
"Captain, are you okay? You look pale. Oh, wait. I mean to say, you look like you've just seen Sousuke naked. Oh, wait, you have."
In a shaky whisper, Tessa replied "So where is your Radichavel?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Less than an hour later, the SpaceBar II was floating freely in its usual spot between the moon and the earth, keeping an orbit synchronous with the moon. Thus, as the moon rose, people could see a small speck on the moon's face. A speck that was actually a kilometer across, half a kilometer long, and a quarter of a kilometer high.
Once again, the Main Lounge is open. Although at the moment it resembled more of a museum room, being filled with people gaping at the display windows. They were gaping not at ancient weapons, or the newest in military technology. They were simply staring at something that had been there for quite a while, yet not totally appreciated yet.
"We're actually in outer space! I don't believe it!" Tessa cried.
"So. This is how you probably tracked down where the TDD was being repaired," Sousuke remarked.
"Well, actually," BOS replied, startling the actresses on board, "being up here just made it easier to hack into the spy satellites. It also made the intrusion virtually undetectable."
"Kaji! Another round of tonics here! I think they haven't gotten all over the shock yet!"
"Yokai! Another round it is. I'll get back to you later, Ms. Mao. You know, you remind me of someone. Strong, brave, holds her drink well..."
"Attention everyone, this is your chef speaking. We will be having a small motion picture showing for our special guests, the world-renowned Teikoku and Paris Kagekidan. Please, do not freak out if the chairs suddenly come out of the floor. They won't grab you or pinch you, not like some perverts I could mention," Evang's voice came over the PA.
"Hey, I resent that remark!" "Me too!" "Uh, me three?"
A projector screen rolled out from the ceiling in front of the seats. The lights went dim, and the screen flared to life. On the screen, in Japanese, English, and French, were the words "WELCOME TO THE 20th CENTURY: A GUIDE TO CHANGING TIMES."
"Well, that takes care of them. BOS, how're the other components coming along?" Jemu asked, still snickering over the title. Izumi would have found it amusing as well, then get depressed as she didn't think of it first. He had to hand it to Evang.
"I am pleased to report that the Hammerspace hangar and Mecha Lab has been completed. As you know, the Dead Characters Apartments were undamaged, but the same cannot be said for the Wreck Room. Also, we do not have entry points scattered through out the ani-verse anymore. They're the first to go, in crisis situations like the one we had."
"You sound like a prissy protocol and procedure robot I saw in an old movie once. What did you do to my BOS?"
"Cripes, if only I hadn't promised no more summon spells! Daigouji! Get your otaku bum in here, I got a job for you," Evang shouted. Miraculously, the sound carried over to Gai, sitting on the other side of the room with his chair tipped back, and the film viewers didn't notice. He got up and strode across the floor to the kitchen.
"And now," the film continued, "we go to a major concern of the 20th century: getting laid. More precisely, how to have sex with minimal chances of getting the woman pregnant..."
"Pregnant?" Kaname, seated beside Melissa, repeated the word with trepidation.
"Yeah. You know, knocked up, nine months, one in the oven, expecting, delayed... wait a minute, are you saying..." Melissa broke off, cursing in Chinese and taking a swallow of her beer.
"Nothing to worry about, kid," Jemu said as he sat on a stool. "When you and Sousuke and Tessa were, shall we say, expressing your emotions toward each other, you were protected."
"But I don't carry condoms around with me."
"And neither do I. I'm not on anything. Are you, Kaname-chan?"
The blue-haired girl shook her head. A small sweatdrop appears on Jemu's head. "Ah, but Sousuke does. You even joked about using them to carry 2 liters of water, right?" Sousuke just gave him the Death Glare.
Melissa looked at her friend with no small amount of mischief. "Next time, I'll give you the whole box, eh, Sagara? Just to make sure."
"By the way, I almost forgot, where's Kurz?" Sousuke asked. Melissa laughed at his blatant attempt to change the subject.
"Well, since your Captain here didn't want us to see where Mithril HQ was located, someone had to go there and deliver her notice of leave. We'll just have to wait until he signals us for the news," Jemu answered. A comm-window popped into existence, signaling that someone was hailing the SpaceBar II. "That must be him, now. SpaceBar II, can we help you?"
Kurz's face appeared in the window. "I've got good news for the Captain. Her leave has been OK'd." He grinned, as he heard Tessa's delighted squeal and Kaname's "Get off of him, you white-haired hussy!"
Jemu spoke up. "So, where will we pick you up? You wouldn't want to miss your party, plus Ms. Mao can't pilot your M9 while she's in hers."
"Oh, me? I'm in Paris right now. I've decided to go sight-seeing, and I'll be leaving for the Eiffel tower in a few minutes."
"Okay. We'll be with you in an hour. Where will you be?"
"I'll probably be trying out the elevated restaurant there."
"Okay, but don't overdo it. I mean, we're having a party and a bunch of beautiful actresses here, and you don't want to be too full to dance, now, will you?"
"Copy that. Meet you in 60." The window winked out of existence. Pretty nifty things, pop-up comm-windows. "BOS, how is the stealth field generator coming up?"
"It's ready for a trial run, sir. Any ideas?"
"How does a visit to the Eiffel tower grab you?"
"Like a baby to a cactus."
"Set a course for modern-day Paris, BOS. We have a package to pick up."
"Another freeloader. Just great."
"I don't see why you should be complaining," Evang remarked as he strode through the kitchen doors, Gai in tow, with dishes in hand. "You don't have to cook for forty people, and make sure they don't die of food poisoning."
"Now I know how Akito feels. Cooking is so stressful. How did he balance cooking for the Nadesico and fighting Jovians?" Gai asked no one in particular.
The entrance doors flew open, and Tsukurou Shiratori walked in. "Hey, Jupiter Man, where have you been?" Evang asked.
"That is a good question. If you'll notice, I didn't have a single line last episode. What the heck, did I get smuggled into the evac group by accident?" the Jovian lamented.
The lights went back on, and the projector and screen rolled back into hiding. "Sorry about that, Shiratori-san, but I just couldn't include you in the last episode. For one thing, Mr. Sagara here really trashed your Daitetsujin, and you don't have any superpowers with which to fight demons or otherworldly enemies," Jemu explained.
"Besides, look at me: I got a broken leg and just sat behind a building while the world was ending all around me!" Gai exclaimed.
"Yeah, I guess. Thanks, Ryoji-san," he said to Kaji as he set a mug in front of him. "So, when do I get to see Minato again?"
"We'll see to rebuilding links as soon as we can," Evang answered. "Right now, we have to get through this party first. Since you're not doing anything, why don't you and Gai set up the buffet table?" He collapses into a stool, pillowing his head on his arms, which rested on the bar.
"You look beat," Tsukurou observed.
"Brilliant deduction, Jovian. Let's see you cook a buffet for forty people after defeating an Earth fleet, and see if you don't end up like this as well."
BOS's voice chimed in over the PA. "We are now re-entering Earth's atmosphere. Time-space coordinates: sometime in the 2000s, over Paris. If you look to the left, you will be able to see the Eiffel tower, still standing after all these years."
As the two dead Nadesico characters were putting the finishing touches on the buffet table, the Hana-gumi and the Nanpa-gumi (the term that the Oogami squadron was referred to by the girls) were busy gawking at modern day Paris from 500 feet in the air.
"I'm going down to meet up with someone and accompany him on board. Anyone want to tag along?" Jemu announced.
A whole forest of hands shot up, causing those who didn't to bigsweat. "OK, I don't mind having the Hana-gumi get a taste of normal 21st century life, even for a few minutes, but 14 Oogamis would be weird, even for this time. I can only take one Oogami; the rest have to stay on board."
"But why?" chorused the girls and the Oogamis.
"Well, cloning still hasn't become en vogue, so to speak. Gomen, Signori, but please understand. The girls alone will cause not a small amount of stir. 14 men that look alike, even more so."
"Sou ka ne? Oh, well, there's only one thing for it, then. Come here, guys, we need to talk." Oogami gathers his clones close for a huddle. Occasionally, one of them would raise his head, look at the girls, and fall back into the huddle. Finally reaching an agreement, they broke the circle.
"Okay, here goes." One of them peeled off from the group and said, "Kanna-san, could we borrow you for a moment?"
"Eh? Taichou, what's all this about?"
Oogami beckoned her to come closer, and to lean down so that he could whisper something in her ear. Whatever it was, it got Oogami an uppercut from Kanna that sent him into the ceiling, his body from the waist up lost somewhere up there. The other Oogami cringed in sympathetic pain.
"Kanna, what did Oogami-san tell you?"
"He told me that I looked good in this uniform, and that he wondered how I'd look out of it."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*METAL TAISEN SOLID COMMAND CENTER*
/st_memshare
*Memory sharing is set at 0*
/st_memshare 1
/change_active unit 2
exit
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Oooooooooookaaay. You 12 get our fearless leader out of the ceiling. I'm going downtown. Don't worry, I'll tell you guys about it later."
Grumbling amongst themselves, the other Oogami set about the task of extricating one of their own from the ceiling.
"That was a weird way to settle things, Chuui," Rachette remarked. "I still don't believe it. I mean, fourteen of you running around?"
"I sometimes don't believe it myself, Ms. Altair."
"By the way, whose, I mean, which one are you?"
"I'm number two, actually. Y'all can call me Niban, or Chuui, or whatever. Oogami-sama has chosen me to take his place while he's out cold."
Turning to Jemu, who was watching the proceedings with interest, he said "Let's go!"
"Um, there is the small problem of your, ah, attire, yes."
"What's wrong with these clothes? I mean, they're the height of fashion!" Sumire exclaimed.
"Eighty years ago, maybe. The style of clothing for this time is somewhat different from what you're used to, Miss Kanzaki."
"And what do you suggest, hmm?"
"BOS? How are the stores? Got any 'camouflage' for the 'troops'?"
"Yeah, that's right, always depend on the computer. I got clothes, but for modern fashion, you gotta look somewhere else. Unless spandex and vinyl are still hot, that is."
"They're still uncomfortable to wear, but no, they aren't cool nowadays. But that's not a problem." Turning to Kaname, he asked "Say, Miss School Idol, how about helping these girls out with their fashion fix? You can go as well, Captain Tessa, and get some civvy outfits for your vacation." The Whispered looked at each other and grinned. They began to herd the actresses out of the Main Lounge.
"HELLO? I'M THE A.I. FOR A MOBILE BASE, NOT A MOBILE DEPARTMENT STORE!" BOS ranted. Of course no one paid him much attention. Sighing, he activated some glowing arrows on the walls for the girls to follow. "Bloody hell."
"There's a very big difference between a department store and a base, BOS," Sousuke told the AI.
"Ah, intelligent life on the planet at last! Are you twelve done yet? Anyway, Sagara, go on, you were saying about the difference between a base and a department store?"
"The hardware section for a base is much cooler than that in a mall. However, it is still possible to get killed with a pneumatic nail gun."
Laughter broke out all over the Main Lounge, causing the human pyramid that was trying to rescue Oogami from the ceiling to fall, eliciting another round of laughter. BOS sighed, then dematerialized the ceiling, causing another Oogami to land on the heap. This had the unexpected effect of bringing Oogami back into the land of the living.
"Now that you perverts have finished your laugh session, just because I'm feeling rather good from watching a bunch of humans look like jackasses, I want you to take a look at THIS!"
Several windows materialized, and the 13 Oogami gasped, the two self-inserts gaped, Kaji let out a wolf whistle, Sousuke's eyes turned into saucers, while the two Geki-freaks fainted dead away. Wimps.
"That's the dressing room where the girls are trying out their new clothes, right?" came an amused female voice.
"Holy crap! Mao-san! We've forgotten you were here! BOS, you idiot!"
"Oh, don't worry, boys, I won't tell. That is, if you would do some little favors for me."
"The hell we will! We won't give in to blackmail! BOS, get rid of those windows!" Evang cried out.
Snickering, the crazy AI closed the windows. "Mao-san, did you have to catch their attention?" BOS whined.
"Well, you did get the look on their faces, didn't you?" Melissa asked the computer.
"Yeah. They looked like deer caught in headlights. Especially Sagara. His eyes were headlights," the computer chuckled.
"I have a mind to blast you with an EMP spell, you lousy piece of circuitry. You're lucky I couldn't channel EM energy anymore, because of Oogami here."
"Not to mention that if I get EMPed, this station will hit the ground faster than you can say 'Let's start the Third Impact.'"
The sound of footsteps heralded the return of the Hanagumi. The doors whooshed open, and the girls, led by Kaname and Tessa, swept in, making like ramp models.
"Awesome!" "Beautiful!" "Are you sure you're finished dressing?" "That's all of the dress?" "Yeah, we like!" (Growls, whistles.)
"Better get a vest and change your shoes, Oogami. We've kept Mr. Weber waiting long enough. You change too, Sagara, we'll need someone to subdue Kurz when he takes a load of these babes."
"Iris is NOT a baby, onii-san!" There was a loud smack, and Jemu jumps up, grabbing his ass and yelping in pain, to the laughter of the women in the room.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kurz Weber sat back and relaxed, looking around the room, smiling. Fortunately for him, the restaurant served a mighty fine omelet du fromage, which was good, since it was the only thing on the menu that he understood. Well, not quite. He knew what escargot was, but he wasn't adventurous enough to try it in a public place.
The lift doors opened, and he looked in its direction. 'Ah,' he thought, 'looks like my escorts are here.' He smiled slightly at the faces that came out: Sousuke, looking ill at ease in a sports jacket and pants; followed by that guy he was speaking to earlier, the captain of that flying fortress where their AS were kept for the time being; and Kaname-chan looking real nice in that green dress, and-
Kurz straightened his chair and leaned forward for a better view. Was that Captain Tesstarossa in that, that, arm bandage passing itself off as a dress? His mouth dropped in amazement as they stepped closer. "It IS you, Kanchou," he managed when he could move his mouth again.
"Hmm? Who else would I be, Weber-san?"
A lot of answers ran through Kurz's brain, all of which were bound to get him drummed out of the crew list or executed. "An angel going sight-seeing?" he lied easily.
"Really? You thought of me as an angel?" Tessa looked over to Kaname, standing on Sousuke's right. Kaname caught her gaze, and Whispered 'Yeah, although it was probably the last thing he thought of when he saw you. I told you that that thing you're wearing was too daring.'
'Sousuke doesn't think so.'
'Sousuke doesn't mind because he's seen- oh, to heck with it.'
Sagara looked at Tessa, then to Kaname, then finally to Kurz. "You ready?" he asked laconically.
"Yup. Let's get this party started," Kurz replied.
"You guys go on ahead to the lift," Jemu said, "I'll just collect the girls. I hope you don't mind the delay."
"Girls? Take your time, look around."
"Funny you should say that, Sgt. Weber." Excusing himself, Jemu set off collecting his tour group while the four headed for the elevator.
"Time to go, ladies, we have a party to go to. Let's not allow the cook's labors to be all for naught, eh?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Since it was a buffet, and the guests were dressed for it, dinner was a somewhat formal affair, not like the party that Kaji envisioned. 'I mean, shoot, there are some women here that seem like fun to work on this night, but the atmosphere sucks to hell,' he thought. 'I mean, this music is so old, I feel like I'm aging just by listening to it. Like this is the original Evergreen!'
"Love, soft as an easy chair," crooned a cool, soulful male voice.
"STUPIDDD!!!!" cried the background singers. Kaji fell off his chair.
"Love, fresh as the morning air..."
"STUPIDDD!!!!!"
"One love, one love that is shared by two..."
"STUPID LOVE!!!"
"... I have found in you..."
Gai called out, ignoring the supposedly formal atmosphere. "Hey, music man, play something else! How about dance floor music!?"
Jemu, seated behind the mixer, nodded his acknowledgement. "Dance music coming up! This is a party, not a funeral!" He plops a new disc on. A much more livelier tune begins to play, suggestive of electronic instruments. "Hoshikuzu no you sa ima no futari..."
Kaname pulled Sousuke to his feet and onto the dance floor, followed by Tessa. "Um, I really don't know how to dance, except away from punches and bullets," Sousuke remarked.
"What better time to learn than the present?" Kaname replied. "Besides, I recognize this song. Aren't you the only guy in class that listens to music that only our dads dug?"
"Come on, Sousuke, all you have to do is let loose and go with the beat and music! Like this!" Tessa demonstrated.
"Uh, Kanchou, don't jiggle around too much. That dress of yours is hanging, literally, by a thread, and the others are watching."
"Oh, you're no fun. Come on, Kaname, dance with me instead."
"You're on."
-I JUST KEEP BURNING LOVE-
-Kimi ni meguriau tame ni-
-Ore wa umare ikite kita yo-
-I JUST KEEP BURNING LOVE-
-Soshite subete wo kaeru no sa-
-Ai no chikara wo shinjiteru-
Kurz was at the bar, sampling the alcohol with Melissa. He was pretty sure that he hadn't had much yet, but to be sure... "Nee-chan?"
"Hmm? What is it, Kurz?"
"Is it me, or did I just see a lot of bartenders go hit the dance floor with all those girls?"
"You just need another drink, sir. Here," Oogami handed him another glass of clear liquid. It looked like water, smelled like raisins...
"You're right. I'm not drunk yet. I can still recognize that they're playing another song. This group sure likes trumpets." Kurz hiccupped.
-OORA ROODO ga hirakareta-
-Kirameku hikari ore wo utsu-
-OORA no chikara takuwaete-
-Hiraita tsubasa ten ni tobu-
"Hey, DJ, d'you have an'thing newer? Ah think ah firs' heard dat when ah wash tree!" Melissa called out. She was obviously drunk. Jemu waited for the second chorus to finish before letting the intro of the second song rip. "Kuyashisa o koraete keri ageta ishi koro..."
"Hey, I know this song! I love the show that it came from!" Kaname near shouted, just to be heard by the people dancing near her.
"Really? What's it about?" Kanna asked.
"It's about this soldier on board a ship, who does nothing but runaway from the women on board who are after him."
"Sounds like someone I know," Sakura remarked, grinning cheekily up at Oogami.
"Well, they do say life imitates art," Tessa added.
Kohran groaned, saying "That has got to be the worst non-joke comment anyone could say with an actress in the vicinity."
-YOU GET TO BURNING-
-Kimi rashiku hoko rashiku mukatte yo-
-Muchuu ni natta hibi ga-
-Yume no kakera sa-
-YOU GET TO BURNING-
-Sono kakera o atsumete-
-Asu o mezasu yuuki-
-Mieru yo TO BE-
-GOING YOUR DAYS GROW UP!-
"Shiratori-san, take over for me, will you?"
"Sure, thing, Jemu. I've always wanted to try my hands out with one of these."
"Oh, and no Gekiganger songs, Tsukurou."
"WHAT? WHY! You were playing old-school mecha songs, weren't you? Why can't I? What's wrong with Gekiganger?"
Jemu gave no reply. Hopping down from the mini-platform, he walked up to the redmage. "We need to talk."
"So talk."
"Not here. I don't want anyone to hear about this."
"OK. I'll just have BOS make a small pocket of hammerspace to come into existence." No sooner said, then it was done. "What's this about?"
"This whole idea of an Oogami for each girl, it doesn't quite jive."
"What do you mean? It rocks! Just look at the Hanagumi, they're having the time of their lives!" Jemu glances around, then back to Evang.
"Yeah, but it all seems so, shallow, I guess."
"What? You didn't seem to mind when I pulled an AU Akito into play."
"I was in a coma, you moron."
"Oh."
"I mean, the characterization of the others, were they really any different from their progenitor's? Besides, it's a headache to upkeep 14 Oogami Ichirou all at once! They even call themselves the Nanpa-gumi, like they're a separate unit in the Kagekidan."
"Hmm. I can see where a fight scene with all 28 of them could be messy."
"That's not all! If it's a big fight, they'd have to pull off super cheesy double supers and team supers, and to do that you'll need 12 more of Oogami's Koubu! That's 28 mecha roaming the battlefield all at once!"
"Good lord! This has gone from Super Mecha Taisen to Clone and Conquer!!! And since they're a bunch of girl-chasing rakes, do you think they'd paint their Koubu black and start calling themselves 'Rogue Squad?'"
"They'd better not. If they do, I'll get rid of them so quick you'd miss it if you blinked."
"How? You have a pistol-sized MAP weapon, like the one that agent had in 'Men In Tux'?"
"Well, Gendo's Suspended Animation Tank is currently vacant..."
Evang shuddered, the image of a bunch of naked Oogamis floating around in LCL, eyes staring out blankly at the world, made him wish that he hadn't eaten so much of his own cooking. "You are evil, friend."
"True. But I'm no evildoer."
"So where do we take this story to now?"
"Well, it seems that there's a contingency measure that Oogami-san included in his profile. Something about a level 4 Hidden Super Desperation Destroyer move..."
"Let me guess. You'll schedule for another attack soon."
"Perhaps. You can take the bubble out now. It's time we headed back to the party."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Sankyuu!!! Now that you're all fed, tired, drunk, or in similar positions where you'd have difficulties running for cover, I'd like to announce the next program for tonight's entertainment." Jemu grinned as he made the announcement. "Yes folks, this night isn't over yet. It's time for another installment of the What, Where, When, Why, and How of the SpaceBar. Is everyone seated? Good. Evang will explain how it works."
"It's simple, really," Evang began. "First, we get on stage, sit our butts on these two stools behind the microphones, and we answer any questions that the audience, in this case, you, might throw at us. I see a raised hand already. Yes, Ms. Altair?"
"Are questions the only things we can throw at you? What about knives?"
"Or maybe a table?" Kanna added.
"Or a noisy monkey that escaped from the menagerie?" This dig was from Sumire.
"Or perhaps a Taichou clone? After all, there are 14 of them." Lobelia asked.
"Sorry ladies, you can pack away all those ideas and mail them to Antarctica. The answers are no, we'll duck, you can try, and you can try as well, respectively."
"Any other questions? Yes, Iris?"
"How did onii-chan do it? How did he multiply?"
"Well," Evang replied, grinning, "you see, when Oogami-san gets wet... oh, wait, that's how pond scum reproduce." He stopped grinning and barely dodged a mini-lightning bolt from Oogami #1. "You could just raise your hand, you know!"
"My question: why do I have to put up with you guys?"
"Our answer: you owe us big-time, if you recall, for saving your ass from these lovely ladies present back at another harbor, another time," Jemu replied.
Evang spoke into his mike. "And to answer Iris' question, before we go totally off-base here, Oogami-san has some latent lightning-god abilities in his genes. The only come out when he's in his Koubu, or when he's holding a pistol. A sudden influx of magical lightning into his cells brought about some major changes in him, primarily the huge increase in his chi level. Unfortunately, much like lightning, his cells became very unstable, even more so when he used the outlawed Taichou Arashi attack. You remember that one, where he made 13 illusions of himself and attacked?"
The Hanagumi members nod.
"Well, guess what, it wasn't illusionary. For those few seconds, he actually created 13 identical living copies of himself, with the same lightning powers that he had. Then, less than an a day had passed, with him still not yet accustomed to his newfound abilities and his body still in shock from the Taichou Arashi maneuver, he pulled off the forbidden Nanpa Hidden Super Desperation Final Attack. Normally, it's just an enhanced version of the Taichou Arashi designed for fighting multiple enemies, but because he lost consciousness after performing the move, well, you're sitting with the results." Evang takes a deep breath after delivering this speech.
Murmurs from the Hanagumi on what they had just learned filled the room. Above the din, Jemu saw a pale, raised hand. "Yes, Tessa?"
"Why were we abducted earlier? Evang said something about an emergency."
"It goes like this. A few episodes back, three children were accidentally trapped in a pocket dimension, one with no cute little critters with speech defects. In other words, a sucky dimension. I tried to rescue them by sitting in what I thought was a command chair. Turned out it was a Radichavel of sorts, and it didn't seem to like my hybrid arcane/tech paradigm too much. I managed to lurch free, but not before I had sustained serious damage to my system. BOS can tell you what happened."
"He fell to the floor, twitching violently. His last words before he blacked out were something to the extent of 'We need the Whispered.' Or something like that. I had him brought to the infirmary, then I called a war meeting where it was decided that we needed your special abilities. The battle plan we followed was the brainchild of Oogami-san."
"Eh? Oogami-san was part of a kidnap plot?" Sakura blurted out.
"Yep. He was even the one who grabbed Chidori-san while Tsukurou was fighting Sousuke."
"Ano, it wasn't a fight, it was a massacre! I didn't even land a single dent on that white demon, and he creamed me with my own Gravity Blast! Unfair!"
The others shushed him to silence. Erica raised her hand. "Well, where did that demon come from, then?"
"That's his fault!" Jemu answered, pointing to Evang. "Come on, crackpot, explain how you were the cause of all this BS."
"Yeah. That's right, blame a guy for trying to save his buddy. How was I supposed to know that the limited wish spell involved a demon? I thought for sure that I'd get an old oil lamp and a kooky blue efreet."
"So, you're saying it's your fault," Maria summarized.
"Yes, I mean, no. After all, if Jemu hadn't been playing hero and gotten himself scrambled-"
Suddenly, sirens go off and the lights go out. Seconds later, dim lighting returns a semblance of normalcy to the Main Lounge. Well, as normal as you can get with a fistful of reincarnated characters, a pervert cloned 13 times over, an all-girl fighting team after the aforementioned pervert, and three recently oversexed teenagers and their soldier friends.
"What is going on, BOS?" Evang shouted over the din.
"There's something wrong with the external multi-reality hammerspace hook-ups. I don't know what it is, but my sensors tell me it's bound to be really big," replied the AI. "Everyone, stay as far away from the OAHD as you can!"
"You heard him! Move, people!" one of the Oogamis called out.
"Does this happen every time you guys throw a party?" Melissa asked Gai.
"No. I'm pretty sure all this is just a coincidence."
"Why don't I believe you?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * *
The doors of the newly reconstructed Omnipotent Author's Hammerspace Device began to ease apart inch by inch. As they do so, bright, white light spills out from the seam, silhouetting five figures standing on the other side. With bated breath, the assembled party wait from behind chairs and under tables to catch a glimpse of the unexpected Guests.
"Marron, are you sure that that teleport spell really works? I mean, this doesn't look like any wizard's hideout that we've been to," said a whiny voice from the other side.
"Reasonably sure, onii-chan. Of course, I specialize in attack and defense magic, so I'm really not that adept with transportation spells," replied a soft, male voice.
"Sheesh, man, we should have just walked to the next town instead of trying out one of your mumbo jumbo jinxes. Now we're stuck in a formless white room," complained another male voice, a deep, macho-sounding one.
"Gateau, how do you know it's a room?" asked a sultry female voice.
"'Cause I can rest my back on something. That's gotta be a wall, and where there's one, there are bound to be three more, right?"
"Um, there are some flaws with that theory of yours, Gateau," a shy, feminine voice said.
"Really, Tira, dear, you mustn't point out to men that their male logic is flawed, because that's the only way they think. Didn't I tell you that already?"
"Not really, onee-chan, since you're usually to busy chasing after some pervert here."
Simultaneously, all of the Oogami hiding turned to their companions under their tables and said "No, that wasn't me. I swear it."
"Get ready everyone," Marron warned his friends.
"Ready? Ready for whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-!" Carrot never got to finish his sentence, as he and the rest of the Bakuretsu Hunters were forced out of the white room like air from a whoopee cushion. Sans the sound, of course. They land ungracefully on the floor of the SpaceBar II's Main Lounge, and when an Oogami called out "Cover them!" the five found themselves surrounded by some-
"Weirdoes," muttered Gateau in an undertone, as he took in the assortment of deadly-looking weapons on display. Tira and Choco nodded.
"Blessed individuals," thought Marron, "Especially that man in the red robes and- wait a minute, what's the term when you give birth to two sets of septuplets?"
"ONNA!!!"
No need to tell you who that one was, eh?
"Welcome, travelers! I am Evang, owner of this wining and dining establishment, the SpaceBar II. No, don't mind them, they won't harm you, not unless you attack them first. They're not my bodyguards, like you they're also guests here. In fact, we threw a bash just for them, and you guys are a welcome diversion. Sit, sit."
Niban (Oogami#2) ordered the Kagekidan to stand down and sit down. All of them occupied seven tables, a couple on each. The Full Metal Panic people shared a table as well. They soon lost interest in the new arrivals and focused their attention on their companions.
"What will you be having, then?" Evang asked the five once they were seated. The others declined to order, but Carrot being Carrot ordered for enough all of them. "And the names of those pretty young ladies talking with those mass-produced soldier types, as well."
"Mass produced soldier types?" Gateau asked Carrot as their host left with his order.
"Come on, didn't you notice?"
"I thought their parents just didn't know the meaning of the word enough."
"That was good acting, onii-chan," Marron said in his hushed tones.
"Acting?" 'What the hell is my brother talking about?'
"Cut the act, now. He fits the description exactly! 'An innkeeper with an unassuming attitude to hide all his depravities.' He's the one we're after!"
Tira looked around at the other couples. "This might get a little messy. I mean, there are witnesses."
"Hmm? They sure look sweet, though. If only the guys didn't share the same face... do you think this is his work?" Choco asked. "And the strange architecture and decor."
"You know what they say, Choco, there's no accounting for bad taste. Or idiocy, for that matter. This place is all steel, and the curtains are weird," Gateau added.
"I agree. And the customers aren't so ordinary either. They have strong power, especially the men. Or is it the man? In any case, we'd be best on our guard," cautioned Marron.
"Fine with me. As long as we can do it after dinner. Boy, that stuff sure looks good."
Gai, Kaji, Tsukurou, Jemu and finally Evang troop to their table, carrying platters of food, crystal goblets, a basket of bread, and a bottle of wine sitting in an ice bucket. "Eat hearty, y'all," advised Evang as his 'waiters' drifted away.
Trying to act normally, the Hunters begin eating, slowly at first, then with gusto. They shared the same thought: for a guy wanted for at least 3 counts of Necromancy, 11 counts of Reality Alteration and 1 count of Demon Summoning, he sure cooks well.
Smiling, Evang spoke to his guests. "I'm flattered by your thoughts. Still, there was no need to suspect poison in the meal; I prefer to use more flashy and direct methods in my engagements."
Marron was the first to recover from the shock. "You- you can read minds?"
"To some extent. So now I know for a fact that you're sent to make sure I do no more of my dastardly deeds and to punish me for the ones that I've done. I'm sorry to let you know, boys and girls, that my actions aren't all that dastardly. Just ask my other guests."
"Like we'll get an unbiased answer," Gateau retorted. He suddenly reached across the table and pulled Evang up at arm's length. "You're coming with us, Mr. Innkeeper."
The other tables were startled, and made to take action, as do the 'waiters.' Evang tells them to stand down. "I won't have any of you involved in this. Well except for Jemu-san, maybe."
"Jemu-san?"
"He meant me," Jemu answered, a pair of IA6s (Infinite Ammo Six-shooters) aimed at the cake sisters. "I'd advise you to release him, or else these two lovelies are going to be taking a dirt nap."
A tense silence fills the room, as the negotiators try to stare down each other. The Kagekidan aren't moving, the FMP cast aren't moving, and the revived three are still as the corpses they used to be. All are quiet, ready for anything to happen. Then, in the midst of this atypical stillness, when no one was expecting it, somebody sneezed.
All hell broke loose.
"Like we didn't have enough of that already in the last episode," Evang berated the narrator, firing up his battle aura.
Everyone present during the last episode of the SpaceBar series form big sweatdrops. Using this opportunity, Carrot ducks behind a table that Gateau upturned, Marron pulls out a prayer strip, and the Cake sisters do their transformation sequence, dazzling Gai, Shiratori-san and Kaji.
Because the author is such a lazy bum, he just went on and wrote that the next few scenes were a cross between a barroom brawl, a Sakura Taisen episode, and a Bakuretsu Hunters episode. You could almost hear the guns blasting, see the blades and whips flashing, the non-combatants taking refuge behind the bar and praying for it to end. And as is the usual in such episodes, no one attractive gets hurt. Except for the self inserts, but that's because they're really ugly MFs.
"Chikuso! You're really making me angry now!" Evang roared.
"Uh, dude, there's something-"
"Not now, gadget boy! I'm gonna wrap up this whole mess and send it down the drain! Iku ze! FIRE-FLASH!"
"Shit." Jemu dropped his head, covered his eyes with his right hand and shook his head. "It's hit the fan now."
Evang's Fireflash was a special sort of fire magic. Developed by the redmage in the long hours in his study, the spell only harms those that the caster perceives as a threat. This means good news for the Kagekidan, the FMP group, and the Dead Characters Apartment dwellers, and bad news for the Sorcerer Hunters.
Or does it?
"GGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRR!"
"ANOTHER DEMON!?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU DEMON BEAST INVADERS!!!!" Niban (Oogami #2) cried out.
"SO ARE WE! LET'S FIGHT TOGETHER!" replied the other Oogamis.
"RAIDEN TENSHI GATTAI!!!" All fourteen Oogami began to glow and float into the air and towards each other.
"No, Ichiro, that will-"
"Raijin, GOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
BOS had the last word for this episode. "And I had just repainted the place. Oh, well." He sighs.
To be continued....... hopefully.
Acronyms and Whatnot
1. BOS: Brain of SpaceBar
2. TDD: Tuatha de Danan. Once figures in Celtic myth, in Full Metal Panic it's the name of Tessa's submarine, of which she captains.
3. FMP: Full Metal Panic. Wonderful show by Gonzo.
4. M9: the designation of the AS (armor slaves) or mecha used by Mithril, the organization that Tessa and Sousuke are part of.
5. Nanpa: OK, it's not really an acronym. It means "skirt-chaser" or "girl chaser" in Japanese.
6. AU: Alternate Universe.
7. RAIDEN TENSHI GATTAI!: "Thunder-dragon angel combination!"
8. MAP weapon: I define MAP as 'Mass Annihilation-Purpose'
9. I almost forgot. Songs making appearances in the following order: S2PID LUV (Salbakuta, local rap group), Burning Love (Choujuu Kishin Dancougar), Tobu Dunbine (Seisenshi Dunbine), You Get To Burning (Kidou Senkan Nadesico). As always, none of the songs and their sources are mine.