SpaceBar Adventures 12: And the Band Played On
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the following series: Bakuretsu Hunters, Kidou Senkan Nadesico, Full Metal Panic, Masoukishin Saibasuta, Shin Seiki Evangelion, and Jigoku Sensei Nube so don't sue, OK?
*********
Ruri-like monologue by BOS: After a fierce and costly (not too mention expensive) battle, the SpaceBar team managed to send the bounty hunters back to whatever low-tech show they came from. All are not happy at the results, though, as the Hanagumi competition to get Oogami Ichiro in the sack with them begins anew. It was his sacrifice, though, as well as the courageous efforts of Sousuke Sagara, that tipped the battle against the evil mercenaries. His current whereabouts are unknown, as are the women's, as a time-space vortex sucked them inside as a result of defeating something long thought to be invincible. It appears that only Sousuke Sagara is enjoying the spoils of war, being cosseted and pampered by his two girlfriends after passing out upon stepping down from his Arbalest. Lucky stiff. Meanwhile, as a result of too much alcohol, Kurz Weber is currently using the snoring Melissa Mao's ample charms as a pillow and squeeze toy in his sleep. Another lucky jerk, that will soon become a dead jerk when she wakes up. Hmm, there's a fun idea.
**********
"I thought we'd never be able to send them Mage Trackers back to wherever they came from."
"Dude, that's Sorcerer Hunters."
"Sorcerer Hunters? It's not even mage season yet, and they don't even have licenses! I oughta sue their Guild!"
"Relax. BOS, how are the anchors coming along?"
"We've managed to set up one in the late 20th century to early 21st century. Other connections are being set up as we speak. Ironically, only time will tell when they will be ready."
"Hey, did you hear that, red mage? Late 20th century! Lots of big, funny-looking robots running around trying to not kill each other as they repel weekly evil invaders."
"Yay. Swell."
"You don't seem to happy about it."
"No. It's just that I'm wondering if the others are okay."
"Don't worry, master, as soon as the anchors are in place, we'll go for a look-see."
"I do hope it's sooner than later, BOS. I'm beginning to think that Gendo Ikari is starting to resent our presence."
"Hey, dude, what made you think that?"
"Must be the way all the base defenses are aimed toward us. Or, maybe it's just me, Jemu."
"You sound mighty depressed. Are you sure that's not part of losing your lightning side?"
"Could be. I wouldn't know. Have you lost your lightning side before?"
"Can't say I had one to begin with, Evang-san."
Sigh.
"Oh, if nothing's bound to happen in the next few hours, I'll leave you and BOS alone for a while, red mage."
"Going somewhere, sir?" BOS asked.
"Just going to check on someone we've sort of forgotten in the past few episodes. I also want to see how my favorite scientist is doing. Besides, she might be able to help."
An Hour Later...
"Can we see some ID, sir?" the uniformed guard asked.
"I'm afraid I don't carry any identification with me, guard."
"Sorry, sir, but I can't let you through, then."
"Oh, that's OK. Can I, that is, talk to a scientist inside, then? She's not actually NERV staff, or something, but I know for a fact that she's inside. Tall, elegant, long-haired blonde. Dr. Fressange, I believe her name was."
"One second sir."
"Take your time, good man."
The guard pulled out his radio and spoke into it. "Uh, Command, this is Number 53, there's an individual looking for a Dr. Fressange. Subject is 5'6", seems to be mixed Hispanic and Oriental, black hair, black eyes. Oh, I forgot, you have those little cams installed here in front. Well?" The guard waited for a reply. "OK. 53 out." He replaced the radio in his belt. "Sir, if you would wait for a few minutes, Dr. Fressange is on her way up."
"Oh, no problem. You don't mind if I sit, do you?"
The guard gave the surroundings a cursory glance, then raised his eyebrow as if to say, "Whatever floats your boat."
Jemu pulled out the anti-gravity fan from his pack, unfolded it, and tossed it up into the air. The fan flipped as it fell, coming to a stop 3 feet off the ground, flat as you please. Seating himelf, Jemu raised the elevation by a few more inches and grinned at the guard, his feet dangling a good six inches above the ground. He began to whistle.
He had just finished 'Neppu! Shippu! Saibasuta' when his ears picked up the sound of heels on concrete. Turning, he saw Ai, followed by Ritsuko, making her way toward the gate. He raised his right hand, smiled, and waved a greeting. Ai saw this, nodded, then spoke to the blonde behind her. All this time the sound of their shoes never stopped. Clip clip clip clip... the sound died away when Ai was at the gate.
"Long time no see, Doc. How are you feeling?"
"I'm well, thank you. What is it you wanted to see me about?"
"Hey, no rush, Dr. F. I was just wondering if you could kind of help our common friends find their way back out of time and hammerspace. We've been wondering how they were, you see, and what with that monster attack and all..." Jemu shrugged.
"Akito and the others lost in hammerspace?"
"Kind of. We were wondering if you could spare some time away from Dr. Akagi and set our minds at ease. What's so funny, Dr. A. ?"
"You, actually," Ritsuko replied, "you have a mind to be troubled?"
"Aw, come on, Doc, I thought such putdowns were above you. I mean, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, Earth's greatest polymath before that crazy Granzon pilot, making such a comment? God forbid."
"Why should He? There are a lot things He didn't forbid."
"Let's not get religious here, people," Ai intervened. "Alright, I'm going back to that crazy station of yours, with its crazy inter-dimensional physics. You remember, don't you, Rit-chan?"
"Sure. Schrodinger's Tavern. Like anyone could forget that." Turning to the guard, she said "Inform them that I'll be going as well, please."
"Uh, sure thing, ma'am. When can we expect you back?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'll call you from the new harbor complex."
"Understood."
"Well, that's that. You're not going to let us walk all the way there, are you?"
"Actually, I was thinking that maybe Ai-san could Boson Jump us there-"
"NO."
"Ritsuko, really, I-"
"NO! N,O, NO! Which part of that can't either of you understand?"
"What I do or what I choose not to do is my business, Ritsuko."
Jemu looked from one blonde scientist to the next. "Ladies, let's not get into a catfight here. Don't worry, I came prepared. Behold!" Jemu takes a small object from his pocket, presses a button, and throws it to the ground. There is a small explosion, some smoke, and it clears to reveal a trike. Not just any ordinary trike, but a damn shiny chrome and black Harlem-Goliathson three-seater. "Hop in, people."
The three get on, the doctors maximizing the rear seat (read: staying far from each other as possible) and Evang sitting behind the handlebars. He starts the engine, fires the throttle up, and the trike roars off. "Nice wheels," Ai commented.
"Thanks. She's a pretty one, ain't she?"
"So where did you pick her up?"
"Oh, she came with the Ninja Army knife I bought at a garage sale. Funny what some people throw away, just because of a few flaws."
* * * *
"Baka-Shinji! Come back here!"
"Never! I don't intend spend my entire life servicing the two of you! I have a right to my own free time to do with as I please!"
"No, you don't, Shinji-kun. Your posterior belongs to us."
Shinji burst out of the door and kept running. He could hear footsteps after him. 'Only four floors to go, Shinji. Eight flights of steps. You can do it! That stamina boost you got permanently from your "revolutionary training regimen" (read: MPS with Rei and Asuka every night), time to use it now!'
"Give it up, Shinji!" Asuka sang out. "You can't escape us!!"
"Watch me!" he retorted, urging himself to go faster, leaping down to the next landing. 'There's no way she can catch me if I keep jumping.' This he did for the last four landings, thinking that he was finally free from the two sex fiends and about to see the sunshine for the first time during a weekend.
"What took you so long, Shinji-kun? I was getting lonely waiting for you."
"ACK!!! Ayanami!! You- How- Guh-"
"Leaping down four floors to the ground is quite a thrilling sensation, Shinji. But not as thrilling as the one I'm going to get from you." Rei smiled, like a hungry dog smiles at a bone, and took a step forward. Shinji took a step back, thinking 'I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away.'
Footsteps and short breaths announced the arrival of a flushed half-German teenager. "I- told- you- there- was- no- escape." She took a good, deep breath, which Shinji decided was an opportune time to leap over Rei and start running again. "I hate my life! Hasn't the Tenkawa curse been lifted from me yet!?" Shinji asked aloud. He wasn't looking where he was headed, so long as it was away from the Terrible Two, causing him to run into somebody. Shinji bounced back from the impact.
"Hey, kid, you alright?"
Shinji looked up at the man extending an hand to help him up. It was the substitute teacher they had instead of the old man. "Nueno-sensei?" Shinji asked, as he grasped the hand and was helped to his feet.
"Nueno-sensei? You make me sound so old. Since we're not in the schoolroom, call me Nube instead."
"I wouldn't be so bold, Nube-sensei."
"Fine. Ikari-kun, if you're going to be so formal about it, refer to me as Nube-san. Understood?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good. Now, I can't help overhearing your complaint earlier. Something about a curse, right?"
"Well, you see, sir it's- oh no, it's them!" Shinji bolts into the convenience store that Nube just exited. Perplexed, Nube looked down the street and saw two more of his Tokyo-3 students, Ayanami and Souryu, making their way down the street. He then went back into the shop. "Excuse me, sir, but did you see where my brown-haired student went? He was talking to me about a problem of his when he suddenly dashed in here."
"Well, sensei, I think he's hiding out in the little boy's room."
Nube added two and two together. 'Ah. Weird kid.' He looked up as the two girls entered the store as well. 'I better head for the john myself, and see what this mess is all about.'
"OK, Rei, start searching. I'll take this side and you take that one. Let's go!"
They looked up and down the aisle and found no trace of Shinji. "Where could he have gone?" asked Rei.
The sound of an opening door grabbed their attention. As Nube exited the comfort room, the two exchanged glances.
"Ano, konnichiwa, Sensei."
"Ah. Ayanami, Souryu. A good morning to you as well."
"Sensei, could we ask you something?"
"I'm a teacher. Of course you can."
"Were you alone inside the men's room a while ago?"
"Now, now, Souryu-chan, that's not something you normally ask a teacher, especially one of your opposite gender."
"But you said we could ask you anything," Asuka pouted.
"I did, didn't I? To answer your question, yes, I was alone."
Rei sighed. "Come on, Asuka, it appears Shinji isn't here after all."
"But I saw him duck in here!"
"Ikari-san? I think he went out the back door. He was real scared-like, as though someone was hunting him."
"Oh. Well, thank you, Sensei."
"Sorry for bothering you." With that, the girls left.
"How did you do that?" Shinji asked.
"Do what?"
"I was right beside you all the time you were talking, and they didn't see me!"
"Stick with me, kid, and you'll learn lots of things. First, though, I need to drop off these frozen novelties at my apartment. Then we'll find some place where your pursuers won't find you and we'll talk."
"You sure, Nube-san?"
"Yeah. It's a place I go to when I need a breather from my wife."
Much, Much Later
"I don't believe it!"
"What, Shinji?"
"Unless I miss my guess, this is the place where I got cursed in the first place! It's the bloody SpaceBar!!"
"Actually, it's now the SpaceBar II. Hello, there, Sensei, I see you know one of our favorite customers."
"Yeah. I teach their history class. The usual, Evang-san."
"Righto. And you, Mr. Still-Running-Away-From-Good-Sex?"
"How about something that will make Rei and Asuka stop acting like sex fiends toward me?"
"Don't like the hand you've been dealt? Tough."
"I think I'll reshuffle. Maybe I'll have a long, deep talk with my mother and start the Next Impact."
"Take one step toward the door and I'll have those sex maniacs drag you back down to the best room in the house, if you get my drift," Evang bluffed. "Hammerspace, remember?"
Shinji blanched. Nube looked over him. "You okay, Shinji? You look like my wife just gave you a friendly hug."
"Say, how is the mountain princess, Nube?" Evang asked.
"She's fine, we're fine. About this curse of Shinji's..."
"No curse. Just a natural realignment of forces. It should be abating now, now that Sagara-kun is getting some hot loving from his two girlfriends."
"Sagara? Is he related to or descended from the infamous swordsman-turned-brawler of the 19th century?"
"Nah. He's a Japanese kid who grew up in a -Stan country and was raised as a guerilla. Great in battle, sucks at relationships. At least that was before he came here. Ah, speak of the devil, here he is. Hey, you three, come here, there are some guys I'd like you to meet."
Sousuke, Kaname and Tessa make their way to the bar.
"I'd like to introduce you to Sagara Sousuke. The one with the braid is Tessa, and the one who's looking pissed because of being introduced last is Kaname. Kids, this is Meisuke Nueno, a teacher. Good man. And this over here is a very harassed young man, Ikari Shinji."
There are handshakes and bows and "How do you dos?" all around. Evang, enjoying the sound of his voice, continues his dig. "You should talk to Sousuke, Shinji. He could help you with your problems with Rei and Asuka. Come to think of it, why don't you include Tessa and Kaname in your chat as well, and gain some insight on the inner workings of an albino brain and a super-girl brain?"
"Um, I guess it couldn't hurt to try," Shinji answered, looking at Sousuke warily. 'Can he really help? Other than hair color, we don't have anything in common,' he thought.
"Well then, Ikari-san, let's go find ourselves a place where we can talk comfortably," Sousuke suggested. 'This is a welcome break. These two vamps have been draining my life force for the past few hours.'
"Please call me Shinji, Sagara-san. People tend to call my father Ikari-san, and I have no desire to be mistaken for him."
"Agreed. You must call me Sousuke, then."
They seated themselves on a table some distance from the bar, and began their little chat.
"Oh, so your name is Shinji? I have a classmate with the same name. You don't happen to own a basement-load of military hardware magazines, by any chance?" Kaname asked.
"Not really. The only electronics I have with me now is my player, and I don't like military and fighting that much. Your description does fit one of my friends, Kensuke. That, and he's always taking videos of everything."
"Now, that sounds more like one of my friends. Kyoko is always pulling her little digital camera and snapping away. I swear, if it wasn't for her good heart, she'd be the world's best blackmailer. Hey, Tessa, say something."
"Oh! What? Oh, I'm sorry for being rude. I was just thinking. So, Shinji, what's this problem we're supposed to be discussing?"
"Um, I don't know how I'm supposed to say this..."
Tessa whispered to Kaname's mind. 'He looks ill at ease. Maybe I could go into my ditzy ship captain mode?'
Kaname answered back. 'Something tells me that if you do so, he'll even be more scared. As it is, he keeps on glancing at Sousuke, as if to gauge when to bolt from the table.'
"You're having consensual sex with two girls and they share you between themselves, am I right?" Sousuke asked.
Gasping, Shinji asked in return, "How did you know?"
"I can see the signs: the unkempt hair, the hastily thrown-on clothing, the bloodshot eyes, and the eye bags. Not so long ago, I was experiencing the same symptoms myself."
"But you look... normal," Shinji insisted. 'He's still probably having sex with these two, judging from the way they hang on to his every words.' "How do you keep them from killing you?" Shinji wanted to know.
Back at the bar, Nueno asked "Is this group counseling going to take long?"
"Missing the wife already? Touching. Very touching."
"That, and if I don't get home soon, who knows what Yukime might do. Time of the month, you see. The last time, she froze over the damn door and the windows. I had a doozy of a time explaining to the landlady how it happened."
"Did somebody say 'explain'?" a melodious female voice asked.
"Oh, hi, Doc. Has my partner gotten fried by alien electronics again?" Evang grinned at Ai.
"No, I just came down for an alcohol break. I'd like some Scotch, please."
"Shaken or stirred?"
"In a glass where I can down it in one gulp so I can get back to locking horns with that crazy system of yours. You did a good job, by the way, creating a safe interface to the Jovian Artifact."
"None of it was his fault, lady," BOS broke in, causing Nube to start up in surprise and fall off his stool. "Hey, there, Teach. Admiring the linoleum or trying to peek up at the Doctor's skirt? Shame on you. I have to warn you, the doctor wields a mean mallet."
"So how's the series of anchors and hooks coming along?" Evang asked.
"Oh, it's halfway through. I left Jemu and Ritsuko to hold the fort while I was taking my break."
"Hang on. Hold the fort?"
"Seems your system is trying actively to buck any controls we set down on it, like an mineral-rich nation against an enroaching foreign power."
"Seems like you have a ghost in the machine," Nube quipped.
BOS snorted. "You have no idea. Maybe we should let you exorcise the place or something. After all, Mr. Omnipotence here just summoned a demon from somewhere a few episodes back."
"If it's okay with you folks," Nube hedged.
"Sure, go ahead. What can it hurt? Shake your beads, recite some prayers, light some incense."
"Now, Shinji, the secret lies in saying 'no'" Sousuke explained.
"'No'?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
"So is it yes or no? I'm getting confused."
"Of all the dumb exchanges..." Kaname groaned.
"Umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta..." went on in the background.
"What on earth?" Tessa wondered out loud. The four teenagers take a look around to see what's going on. "I thought he was a teacher."
"He is. He's our substitute history teacher."
"Then what's he doing with those beads, a prayer book, and with the crazy guy who's holding a couple of oil torches?" Kaname asked.
Shinji replied "With Evang, who knows? Although I've heard it whispered in school that Nube-san is something of an amateur spiriualist Whatever that means."
"Translation: total weirdo," Kaname told the other two. Sousuke and Tessa just nodded and continued to watch the proceedings. So abosorbed were they that the raised voice made them, especially Shinji, jump out of their seats.
"BAKA-SHINJI!!!"
"UWAAAAAHHH!!!"
Quicker than the eye can blink, our favorite redhead is on our hapless hero and is starting to suffocate him. With her thighs.
Tessa caught Rei's gaze. "So, are you Shinji's, uh, friends?"
"Well-" Rei started to answer, but was cut off by Shinji's shout as he managed to dislodge Asuka.
"They're not my friends! They're just two sex maniacs who just happened to be living in my apartment!!"
"Ask a simple question..." Kaname quipped. Sousuke, as usual, kept to himself, not informing the others of his discomfort as the room temperature fell a few degrees. He turned and saw Tessa engaged in a staring match with the other new arrival, and did an uncharacteristic facefault. Meanwhile, Asuka was on Shinji again, and Shinji was screaming blody murder. Recovering, Sousuke decided to take charge of the situation. With superhuman strength, confidence, and tough hide, he pulled the tangled teenagers apart and ordered the others into new seating arrangements. The slightly crowded table now looked like this:
Sousuke==Rei====Asuka
||-----------------||
||-----------------||
Shinji===Tessa==Kaname
This way, Tessa and Rei could still stare each other till hell froze over and still be able to hear what he was saying.
"Now then. Shinji told us about a little problem he's been having with you two..."
"Umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta..."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"That about does it, I guess," Nube informed Evang.
"Thanks for everything, Teach," Evang replied.
"I have to get going. Say, I haven't seen your friend yet."
"Oh, him. Well, he's busy working on the electronics upstairs with the other scientists and BOS. I'll give him your regards."
"I'd appreciate that. Now, if you have a standing mirror in here somewhere, something nearly as tall as I am..."
"Eh? Mirror?"
"Yeah. Unless you have a quicker way of sending me across town?"
Evang thought about it. The time-space chicanery that once was staple in the bar was now malfunctioning. Transporting was probably out of the question, he decided. "A mirror, huh? Let's see if we have one."
The two walk over to where a huge, ugly steel safe was resting against a wall, flanked by a couple of potted palms. Concentrating hard on the image of a tall, stand-up mirror, Evang turned the wheel while Nube looked on. A few turns later, the door is pulled open.
"Hey, Nube, help me with your ride home, will you? It's rather unwieldy."
"Now, that's an understatement."
Grunts were let out by the two men as they pulled out the mirror from the safe. It was an ornate affair, six feet tall, and oblong. Its gilt frame was a winged dragon poised to strike on one side, reared up and threatening the axe-and-sword wielding warrior who was charging it from the other side. Both men took their time admiring the piece of work in front of them. "Western style," Nube finally commented.
"Seems that way. I hope it meets your standards?"
"Oh, it's beautiful. But is it cursed?"
"Cursed?"
"Or enchanted, somehow?"
Evang gazed at his reflection in the mirror. It stared right back at him. "I don't see anything strange. Wait, I know. Gai! Kaji!"
The two formerly dead guys appear out of nowhere, startling the teacher. "Okay, you two, I'm not asking you how you did that, but do me a little favor, will you?"
"Depends on the favor," Kaji replied.
"I want you to gaze in this mirror, and tell us what you see."
"Sounds simple enough," Gai said. "I'm going first." He walked in front of the mirror and stared. After a while, he reported,"I see me, the room, and you guys."
Kaji did the same. "It's a really expensive-looking mirror, and it works like the cheap one that hangs in my bathroom. What are we supposed to be looking for, anyway?"
"Guys," Nube said in a dire tone, "step back from the mirror." Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his crystal ball and gazed at the mirror through it. "Unless you three are immortal or something, that mirror will be the last thing you see before you die."
"Oh, dying's no problem. I mean, we've been reanimated for God knows how long."
"The funny thing is, we've gotten more lines and more stunts when we died than when we were alive in our old shows."
The teacher sweatdroppped. "Fine. Say hello to Sada-chan, then."
"SADA-CHAN?!"
As the four watched, a white robed feminine figure, her long black hair veiling her face, appeared in the mirror. Taking a quick look behind them, Gai exclaimed "Wow! Super special effects!" He walked to the back of the mirror and cried out, "You mean this isn't a projector?"
"Gai, dammit, stop hiding behind the mirror and be a man," Kaji taunted.
"I wasn't hiding, I was making sure-"
"Yeah, yeah." Apparently, no one believed the Gekiganger otaku.
"Hey, Nube, this mirror cursed enough for you?"
"I guess. Although from what I've heard and read, she's supposed to frequent late night television, not antique Occidental mirrors."
The four gasped as Sada-chan raised a placard with some kanji written on it. "I can't read it!" Evang complained.
"It says: 'It's a long story, and I don't have enough signs to raise. Besides, there's nowhere to sit in here, and I don't want to get my clothes dirty, because there isn't any water here either. Would you mind if I asked you to let me out?'" Nube translated.
"Tell her it's alright, then," Evang said.
"Are you sure about this?"
"I might have lost my lightning spells helping some pervert remain a bachelor, at least for a while, but that doesn't mean I'm totally powerless."
"On your head be it." Facing the mirror, Nube replied, "It's alright." He raised his eyebrows as Sada-chan revealed a second placard. "Eh?"
"'Say my name three times in a row'?" Kaji read aloud. "It's like that Western horror flick, 'The Candy Seller Man!'"
"What?" Nube and Gai asked. Evang just grinned in recognition of the name.
"Repeat after me: Sada-chan..." Kaji began.
"Sada-chan..."
"Sada-chan."
"Sada-chan."
"Sada-chan!"
"SADA-CHAN!"
The figure in the mirror raised a third sign. "Thank you," Gai read. Then the big baby screamed as she began to walk toward them and placed her hands on the gold sides of the stand, as if to pull herself up and out of a pit. Or a well.
"Hey, what's the screaming all about?" Tsukurou Shiratori appeared out of nowhere, materializing behinf Gai. "I was sleeping in my apartment when some pig squealed loud enough to wake the dead. Hey, what are you guys looking at?"
Sada-chan looked up, did a double-take upon seeing two Daigouji Gai, and fell half-in and half-out of the mirror. As she struggled to push herself up from the floor, Nube quipped "Now, that's got to hurt."
by Jemu Nekketsu
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the following series: Bakuretsu Hunters, Kidou Senkan Nadesico, Full Metal Panic, Masoukishin Saibasuta, Shin Seiki Evangelion, and Jigoku Sensei Nube so don't sue, OK?
*********
Ruri-like monologue by BOS: After a fierce and costly (not too mention expensive) battle, the SpaceBar team managed to send the bounty hunters back to whatever low-tech show they came from. All are not happy at the results, though, as the Hanagumi competition to get Oogami Ichiro in the sack with them begins anew. It was his sacrifice, though, as well as the courageous efforts of Sousuke Sagara, that tipped the battle against the evil mercenaries. His current whereabouts are unknown, as are the women's, as a time-space vortex sucked them inside as a result of defeating something long thought to be invincible. It appears that only Sousuke Sagara is enjoying the spoils of war, being cosseted and pampered by his two girlfriends after passing out upon stepping down from his Arbalest. Lucky stiff. Meanwhile, as a result of too much alcohol, Kurz Weber is currently using the snoring Melissa Mao's ample charms as a pillow and squeeze toy in his sleep. Another lucky jerk, that will soon become a dead jerk when she wakes up. Hmm, there's a fun idea.
**********
"I thought we'd never be able to send them Mage Trackers back to wherever they came from."
"Dude, that's Sorcerer Hunters."
"Sorcerer Hunters? It's not even mage season yet, and they don't even have licenses! I oughta sue their Guild!"
"Relax. BOS, how are the anchors coming along?"
"We've managed to set up one in the late 20th century to early 21st century. Other connections are being set up as we speak. Ironically, only time will tell when they will be ready."
"Hey, did you hear that, red mage? Late 20th century! Lots of big, funny-looking robots running around trying to not kill each other as they repel weekly evil invaders."
"Yay. Swell."
"You don't seem to happy about it."
"No. It's just that I'm wondering if the others are okay."
"Don't worry, master, as soon as the anchors are in place, we'll go for a look-see."
"I do hope it's sooner than later, BOS. I'm beginning to think that Gendo Ikari is starting to resent our presence."
"Hey, dude, what made you think that?"
"Must be the way all the base defenses are aimed toward us. Or, maybe it's just me, Jemu."
"You sound mighty depressed. Are you sure that's not part of losing your lightning side?"
"Could be. I wouldn't know. Have you lost your lightning side before?"
"Can't say I had one to begin with, Evang-san."
Sigh.
"Oh, if nothing's bound to happen in the next few hours, I'll leave you and BOS alone for a while, red mage."
"Going somewhere, sir?" BOS asked.
"Just going to check on someone we've sort of forgotten in the past few episodes. I also want to see how my favorite scientist is doing. Besides, she might be able to help."
An Hour Later...
"Can we see some ID, sir?" the uniformed guard asked.
"I'm afraid I don't carry any identification with me, guard."
"Sorry, sir, but I can't let you through, then."
"Oh, that's OK. Can I, that is, talk to a scientist inside, then? She's not actually NERV staff, or something, but I know for a fact that she's inside. Tall, elegant, long-haired blonde. Dr. Fressange, I believe her name was."
"One second sir."
"Take your time, good man."
The guard pulled out his radio and spoke into it. "Uh, Command, this is Number 53, there's an individual looking for a Dr. Fressange. Subject is 5'6", seems to be mixed Hispanic and Oriental, black hair, black eyes. Oh, I forgot, you have those little cams installed here in front. Well?" The guard waited for a reply. "OK. 53 out." He replaced the radio in his belt. "Sir, if you would wait for a few minutes, Dr. Fressange is on her way up."
"Oh, no problem. You don't mind if I sit, do you?"
The guard gave the surroundings a cursory glance, then raised his eyebrow as if to say, "Whatever floats your boat."
Jemu pulled out the anti-gravity fan from his pack, unfolded it, and tossed it up into the air. The fan flipped as it fell, coming to a stop 3 feet off the ground, flat as you please. Seating himelf, Jemu raised the elevation by a few more inches and grinned at the guard, his feet dangling a good six inches above the ground. He began to whistle.
He had just finished 'Neppu! Shippu! Saibasuta' when his ears picked up the sound of heels on concrete. Turning, he saw Ai, followed by Ritsuko, making her way toward the gate. He raised his right hand, smiled, and waved a greeting. Ai saw this, nodded, then spoke to the blonde behind her. All this time the sound of their shoes never stopped. Clip clip clip clip... the sound died away when Ai was at the gate.
"Long time no see, Doc. How are you feeling?"
"I'm well, thank you. What is it you wanted to see me about?"
"Hey, no rush, Dr. F. I was just wondering if you could kind of help our common friends find their way back out of time and hammerspace. We've been wondering how they were, you see, and what with that monster attack and all..." Jemu shrugged.
"Akito and the others lost in hammerspace?"
"Kind of. We were wondering if you could spare some time away from Dr. Akagi and set our minds at ease. What's so funny, Dr. A. ?"
"You, actually," Ritsuko replied, "you have a mind to be troubled?"
"Aw, come on, Doc, I thought such putdowns were above you. I mean, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, Earth's greatest polymath before that crazy Granzon pilot, making such a comment? God forbid."
"Why should He? There are a lot things He didn't forbid."
"Let's not get religious here, people," Ai intervened. "Alright, I'm going back to that crazy station of yours, with its crazy inter-dimensional physics. You remember, don't you, Rit-chan?"
"Sure. Schrodinger's Tavern. Like anyone could forget that." Turning to the guard, she said "Inform them that I'll be going as well, please."
"Uh, sure thing, ma'am. When can we expect you back?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'll call you from the new harbor complex."
"Understood."
"Well, that's that. You're not going to let us walk all the way there, are you?"
"Actually, I was thinking that maybe Ai-san could Boson Jump us there-"
"NO."
"Ritsuko, really, I-"
"NO! N,O, NO! Which part of that can't either of you understand?"
"What I do or what I choose not to do is my business, Ritsuko."
Jemu looked from one blonde scientist to the next. "Ladies, let's not get into a catfight here. Don't worry, I came prepared. Behold!" Jemu takes a small object from his pocket, presses a button, and throws it to the ground. There is a small explosion, some smoke, and it clears to reveal a trike. Not just any ordinary trike, but a damn shiny chrome and black Harlem-Goliathson three-seater. "Hop in, people."
The three get on, the doctors maximizing the rear seat (read: staying far from each other as possible) and Evang sitting behind the handlebars. He starts the engine, fires the throttle up, and the trike roars off. "Nice wheels," Ai commented.
"Thanks. She's a pretty one, ain't she?"
"So where did you pick her up?"
"Oh, she came with the Ninja Army knife I bought at a garage sale. Funny what some people throw away, just because of a few flaws."
* * * *
"Baka-Shinji! Come back here!"
"Never! I don't intend spend my entire life servicing the two of you! I have a right to my own free time to do with as I please!"
"No, you don't, Shinji-kun. Your posterior belongs to us."
Shinji burst out of the door and kept running. He could hear footsteps after him. 'Only four floors to go, Shinji. Eight flights of steps. You can do it! That stamina boost you got permanently from your "revolutionary training regimen" (read: MPS with Rei and Asuka every night), time to use it now!'
"Give it up, Shinji!" Asuka sang out. "You can't escape us!!"
"Watch me!" he retorted, urging himself to go faster, leaping down to the next landing. 'There's no way she can catch me if I keep jumping.' This he did for the last four landings, thinking that he was finally free from the two sex fiends and about to see the sunshine for the first time during a weekend.
"What took you so long, Shinji-kun? I was getting lonely waiting for you."
"ACK!!! Ayanami!! You- How- Guh-"
"Leaping down four floors to the ground is quite a thrilling sensation, Shinji. But not as thrilling as the one I'm going to get from you." Rei smiled, like a hungry dog smiles at a bone, and took a step forward. Shinji took a step back, thinking 'I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away.'
Footsteps and short breaths announced the arrival of a flushed half-German teenager. "I- told- you- there- was- no- escape." She took a good, deep breath, which Shinji decided was an opportune time to leap over Rei and start running again. "I hate my life! Hasn't the Tenkawa curse been lifted from me yet!?" Shinji asked aloud. He wasn't looking where he was headed, so long as it was away from the Terrible Two, causing him to run into somebody. Shinji bounced back from the impact.
"Hey, kid, you alright?"
Shinji looked up at the man extending an hand to help him up. It was the substitute teacher they had instead of the old man. "Nueno-sensei?" Shinji asked, as he grasped the hand and was helped to his feet.
"Nueno-sensei? You make me sound so old. Since we're not in the schoolroom, call me Nube instead."
"I wouldn't be so bold, Nube-sensei."
"Fine. Ikari-kun, if you're going to be so formal about it, refer to me as Nube-san. Understood?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good. Now, I can't help overhearing your complaint earlier. Something about a curse, right?"
"Well, you see, sir it's- oh no, it's them!" Shinji bolts into the convenience store that Nube just exited. Perplexed, Nube looked down the street and saw two more of his Tokyo-3 students, Ayanami and Souryu, making their way down the street. He then went back into the shop. "Excuse me, sir, but did you see where my brown-haired student went? He was talking to me about a problem of his when he suddenly dashed in here."
"Well, sensei, I think he's hiding out in the little boy's room."
Nube added two and two together. 'Ah. Weird kid.' He looked up as the two girls entered the store as well. 'I better head for the john myself, and see what this mess is all about.'
"OK, Rei, start searching. I'll take this side and you take that one. Let's go!"
They looked up and down the aisle and found no trace of Shinji. "Where could he have gone?" asked Rei.
The sound of an opening door grabbed their attention. As Nube exited the comfort room, the two exchanged glances.
"Ano, konnichiwa, Sensei."
"Ah. Ayanami, Souryu. A good morning to you as well."
"Sensei, could we ask you something?"
"I'm a teacher. Of course you can."
"Were you alone inside the men's room a while ago?"
"Now, now, Souryu-chan, that's not something you normally ask a teacher, especially one of your opposite gender."
"But you said we could ask you anything," Asuka pouted.
"I did, didn't I? To answer your question, yes, I was alone."
Rei sighed. "Come on, Asuka, it appears Shinji isn't here after all."
"But I saw him duck in here!"
"Ikari-san? I think he went out the back door. He was real scared-like, as though someone was hunting him."
"Oh. Well, thank you, Sensei."
"Sorry for bothering you." With that, the girls left.
"How did you do that?" Shinji asked.
"Do what?"
"I was right beside you all the time you were talking, and they didn't see me!"
"Stick with me, kid, and you'll learn lots of things. First, though, I need to drop off these frozen novelties at my apartment. Then we'll find some place where your pursuers won't find you and we'll talk."
"You sure, Nube-san?"
"Yeah. It's a place I go to when I need a breather from my wife."
Much, Much Later
"I don't believe it!"
"What, Shinji?"
"Unless I miss my guess, this is the place where I got cursed in the first place! It's the bloody SpaceBar!!"
"Actually, it's now the SpaceBar II. Hello, there, Sensei, I see you know one of our favorite customers."
"Yeah. I teach their history class. The usual, Evang-san."
"Righto. And you, Mr. Still-Running-Away-From-Good-Sex?"
"How about something that will make Rei and Asuka stop acting like sex fiends toward me?"
"Don't like the hand you've been dealt? Tough."
"I think I'll reshuffle. Maybe I'll have a long, deep talk with my mother and start the Next Impact."
"Take one step toward the door and I'll have those sex maniacs drag you back down to the best room in the house, if you get my drift," Evang bluffed. "Hammerspace, remember?"
Shinji blanched. Nube looked over him. "You okay, Shinji? You look like my wife just gave you a friendly hug."
"Say, how is the mountain princess, Nube?" Evang asked.
"She's fine, we're fine. About this curse of Shinji's..."
"No curse. Just a natural realignment of forces. It should be abating now, now that Sagara-kun is getting some hot loving from his two girlfriends."
"Sagara? Is he related to or descended from the infamous swordsman-turned-brawler of the 19th century?"
"Nah. He's a Japanese kid who grew up in a -Stan country and was raised as a guerilla. Great in battle, sucks at relationships. At least that was before he came here. Ah, speak of the devil, here he is. Hey, you three, come here, there are some guys I'd like you to meet."
Sousuke, Kaname and Tessa make their way to the bar.
"I'd like to introduce you to Sagara Sousuke. The one with the braid is Tessa, and the one who's looking pissed because of being introduced last is Kaname. Kids, this is Meisuke Nueno, a teacher. Good man. And this over here is a very harassed young man, Ikari Shinji."
There are handshakes and bows and "How do you dos?" all around. Evang, enjoying the sound of his voice, continues his dig. "You should talk to Sousuke, Shinji. He could help you with your problems with Rei and Asuka. Come to think of it, why don't you include Tessa and Kaname in your chat as well, and gain some insight on the inner workings of an albino brain and a super-girl brain?"
"Um, I guess it couldn't hurt to try," Shinji answered, looking at Sousuke warily. 'Can he really help? Other than hair color, we don't have anything in common,' he thought.
"Well then, Ikari-san, let's go find ourselves a place where we can talk comfortably," Sousuke suggested. 'This is a welcome break. These two vamps have been draining my life force for the past few hours.'
"Please call me Shinji, Sagara-san. People tend to call my father Ikari-san, and I have no desire to be mistaken for him."
"Agreed. You must call me Sousuke, then."
They seated themselves on a table some distance from the bar, and began their little chat.
"Oh, so your name is Shinji? I have a classmate with the same name. You don't happen to own a basement-load of military hardware magazines, by any chance?" Kaname asked.
"Not really. The only electronics I have with me now is my player, and I don't like military and fighting that much. Your description does fit one of my friends, Kensuke. That, and he's always taking videos of everything."
"Now, that sounds more like one of my friends. Kyoko is always pulling her little digital camera and snapping away. I swear, if it wasn't for her good heart, she'd be the world's best blackmailer. Hey, Tessa, say something."
"Oh! What? Oh, I'm sorry for being rude. I was just thinking. So, Shinji, what's this problem we're supposed to be discussing?"
"Um, I don't know how I'm supposed to say this..."
Tessa whispered to Kaname's mind. 'He looks ill at ease. Maybe I could go into my ditzy ship captain mode?'
Kaname answered back. 'Something tells me that if you do so, he'll even be more scared. As it is, he keeps on glancing at Sousuke, as if to gauge when to bolt from the table.'
"You're having consensual sex with two girls and they share you between themselves, am I right?" Sousuke asked.
Gasping, Shinji asked in return, "How did you know?"
"I can see the signs: the unkempt hair, the hastily thrown-on clothing, the bloodshot eyes, and the eye bags. Not so long ago, I was experiencing the same symptoms myself."
"But you look... normal," Shinji insisted. 'He's still probably having sex with these two, judging from the way they hang on to his every words.' "How do you keep them from killing you?" Shinji wanted to know.
Back at the bar, Nueno asked "Is this group counseling going to take long?"
"Missing the wife already? Touching. Very touching."
"That, and if I don't get home soon, who knows what Yukime might do. Time of the month, you see. The last time, she froze over the damn door and the windows. I had a doozy of a time explaining to the landlady how it happened."
"Did somebody say 'explain'?" a melodious female voice asked.
"Oh, hi, Doc. Has my partner gotten fried by alien electronics again?" Evang grinned at Ai.
"No, I just came down for an alcohol break. I'd like some Scotch, please."
"Shaken or stirred?"
"In a glass where I can down it in one gulp so I can get back to locking horns with that crazy system of yours. You did a good job, by the way, creating a safe interface to the Jovian Artifact."
"None of it was his fault, lady," BOS broke in, causing Nube to start up in surprise and fall off his stool. "Hey, there, Teach. Admiring the linoleum or trying to peek up at the Doctor's skirt? Shame on you. I have to warn you, the doctor wields a mean mallet."
"So how's the series of anchors and hooks coming along?" Evang asked.
"Oh, it's halfway through. I left Jemu and Ritsuko to hold the fort while I was taking my break."
"Hang on. Hold the fort?"
"Seems your system is trying actively to buck any controls we set down on it, like an mineral-rich nation against an enroaching foreign power."
"Seems like you have a ghost in the machine," Nube quipped.
BOS snorted. "You have no idea. Maybe we should let you exorcise the place or something. After all, Mr. Omnipotence here just summoned a demon from somewhere a few episodes back."
"If it's okay with you folks," Nube hedged.
"Sure, go ahead. What can it hurt? Shake your beads, recite some prayers, light some incense."
"Now, Shinji, the secret lies in saying 'no'" Sousuke explained.
"'No'?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
"So is it yes or no? I'm getting confused."
"Of all the dumb exchanges..." Kaname groaned.
"Umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta..." went on in the background.
"What on earth?" Tessa wondered out loud. The four teenagers take a look around to see what's going on. "I thought he was a teacher."
"He is. He's our substitute history teacher."
"Then what's he doing with those beads, a prayer book, and with the crazy guy who's holding a couple of oil torches?" Kaname asked.
Shinji replied "With Evang, who knows? Although I've heard it whispered in school that Nube-san is something of an amateur spiriualist Whatever that means."
"Translation: total weirdo," Kaname told the other two. Sousuke and Tessa just nodded and continued to watch the proceedings. So abosorbed were they that the raised voice made them, especially Shinji, jump out of their seats.
"BAKA-SHINJI!!!"
"UWAAAAAHHH!!!"
Quicker than the eye can blink, our favorite redhead is on our hapless hero and is starting to suffocate him. With her thighs.
Tessa caught Rei's gaze. "So, are you Shinji's, uh, friends?"
"Well-" Rei started to answer, but was cut off by Shinji's shout as he managed to dislodge Asuka.
"They're not my friends! They're just two sex maniacs who just happened to be living in my apartment!!"
"Ask a simple question..." Kaname quipped. Sousuke, as usual, kept to himself, not informing the others of his discomfort as the room temperature fell a few degrees. He turned and saw Tessa engaged in a staring match with the other new arrival, and did an uncharacteristic facefault. Meanwhile, Asuka was on Shinji again, and Shinji was screaming blody murder. Recovering, Sousuke decided to take charge of the situation. With superhuman strength, confidence, and tough hide, he pulled the tangled teenagers apart and ordered the others into new seating arrangements. The slightly crowded table now looked like this:
Sousuke==Rei====Asuka
||-----------------||
||-----------------||
Shinji===Tessa==Kaname
This way, Tessa and Rei could still stare each other till hell froze over and still be able to hear what he was saying.
"Now then. Shinji told us about a little problem he's been having with you two..."
"Umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta..."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"That about does it, I guess," Nube informed Evang.
"Thanks for everything, Teach," Evang replied.
"I have to get going. Say, I haven't seen your friend yet."
"Oh, him. Well, he's busy working on the electronics upstairs with the other scientists and BOS. I'll give him your regards."
"I'd appreciate that. Now, if you have a standing mirror in here somewhere, something nearly as tall as I am..."
"Eh? Mirror?"
"Yeah. Unless you have a quicker way of sending me across town?"
Evang thought about it. The time-space chicanery that once was staple in the bar was now malfunctioning. Transporting was probably out of the question, he decided. "A mirror, huh? Let's see if we have one."
The two walk over to where a huge, ugly steel safe was resting against a wall, flanked by a couple of potted palms. Concentrating hard on the image of a tall, stand-up mirror, Evang turned the wheel while Nube looked on. A few turns later, the door is pulled open.
"Hey, Nube, help me with your ride home, will you? It's rather unwieldy."
"Now, that's an understatement."
Grunts were let out by the two men as they pulled out the mirror from the safe. It was an ornate affair, six feet tall, and oblong. Its gilt frame was a winged dragon poised to strike on one side, reared up and threatening the axe-and-sword wielding warrior who was charging it from the other side. Both men took their time admiring the piece of work in front of them. "Western style," Nube finally commented.
"Seems that way. I hope it meets your standards?"
"Oh, it's beautiful. But is it cursed?"
"Cursed?"
"Or enchanted, somehow?"
Evang gazed at his reflection in the mirror. It stared right back at him. "I don't see anything strange. Wait, I know. Gai! Kaji!"
The two formerly dead guys appear out of nowhere, startling the teacher. "Okay, you two, I'm not asking you how you did that, but do me a little favor, will you?"
"Depends on the favor," Kaji replied.
"I want you to gaze in this mirror, and tell us what you see."
"Sounds simple enough," Gai said. "I'm going first." He walked in front of the mirror and stared. After a while, he reported,"I see me, the room, and you guys."
Kaji did the same. "It's a really expensive-looking mirror, and it works like the cheap one that hangs in my bathroom. What are we supposed to be looking for, anyway?"
"Guys," Nube said in a dire tone, "step back from the mirror." Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his crystal ball and gazed at the mirror through it. "Unless you three are immortal or something, that mirror will be the last thing you see before you die."
"Oh, dying's no problem. I mean, we've been reanimated for God knows how long."
"The funny thing is, we've gotten more lines and more stunts when we died than when we were alive in our old shows."
The teacher sweatdroppped. "Fine. Say hello to Sada-chan, then."
"SADA-CHAN?!"
As the four watched, a white robed feminine figure, her long black hair veiling her face, appeared in the mirror. Taking a quick look behind them, Gai exclaimed "Wow! Super special effects!" He walked to the back of the mirror and cried out, "You mean this isn't a projector?"
"Gai, dammit, stop hiding behind the mirror and be a man," Kaji taunted.
"I wasn't hiding, I was making sure-"
"Yeah, yeah." Apparently, no one believed the Gekiganger otaku.
"Hey, Nube, this mirror cursed enough for you?"
"I guess. Although from what I've heard and read, she's supposed to frequent late night television, not antique Occidental mirrors."
The four gasped as Sada-chan raised a placard with some kanji written on it. "I can't read it!" Evang complained.
"It says: 'It's a long story, and I don't have enough signs to raise. Besides, there's nowhere to sit in here, and I don't want to get my clothes dirty, because there isn't any water here either. Would you mind if I asked you to let me out?'" Nube translated.
"Tell her it's alright, then," Evang said.
"Are you sure about this?"
"I might have lost my lightning spells helping some pervert remain a bachelor, at least for a while, but that doesn't mean I'm totally powerless."
"On your head be it." Facing the mirror, Nube replied, "It's alright." He raised his eyebrows as Sada-chan revealed a second placard. "Eh?"
"'Say my name three times in a row'?" Kaji read aloud. "It's like that Western horror flick, 'The Candy Seller Man!'"
"What?" Nube and Gai asked. Evang just grinned in recognition of the name.
"Repeat after me: Sada-chan..." Kaji began.
"Sada-chan..."
"Sada-chan."
"Sada-chan."
"Sada-chan!"
"SADA-CHAN!"
The figure in the mirror raised a third sign. "Thank you," Gai read. Then the big baby screamed as she began to walk toward them and placed her hands on the gold sides of the stand, as if to pull herself up and out of a pit. Or a well.
"Hey, what's the screaming all about?" Tsukurou Shiratori appeared out of nowhere, materializing behinf Gai. "I was sleeping in my apartment when some pig squealed loud enough to wake the dead. Hey, what are you guys looking at?"
Sada-chan looked up, did a double-take upon seeing two Daigouji Gai, and fell half-in and half-out of the mirror. As she struggled to push herself up from the floor, Nube quipped "Now, that's got to hurt."