Ariel: Zephon, where are you? We have to do the next scene together!! (She is now dressed back in her old costume; the wedding dress mysteriously vanished two minutes after she put it back into the truck. The ghost looks backstage and can't find Zephon) Oh dear, this could get bad.
(Ariel begins to look around for the cross-dressing vampire, asking all the crewmembers and actors, even the mice of the stage even if they can't talk back to her. Meanwhile, as Dumah is still bemoaning the death of Tybalt - and everyone else is breathing a sigh of relief - Kain is showing his sons his most hated nemesis of all time, the Sarafan Lord. The vampires are poking their heads just around the edge of the curtain and with narrowed eyes look up at the figure in the balcony, sitting on his throne like he's the best)
Kain: And he took the Soul Reaver from me, but after I slept for 200 years, I rose back up and single-handedly defeated him, at the same time taking down enemies that had once been friends. Of course then everyone was asking me to become the ruler of Nosgoth because I had shown everyone my strength, agility and just dashing good looks.
Turel: Why does the Sarafan's head glow?
Kain: I don't know.
Rahab: (Raising binoculars to look at him) It might be his hair.
Melchiah: His voice is weird.
Zephon: Dad, do you think I'd be able to get his autograph?
Kain: No, I don't want you boys going up to him. He'll kill you outright.
Raziel: Aw, he can't be all that bad.
Kain: How do you figure that out?
Raziel: Because he's a vegetarian. And we all know that vegetarians can't hurt anyone, not even a fly.
(Rahab, still looking through the binoculars, sees a small fly buzzing around the Sarafan Lord's head. The Hylden Lord doesn't even look at it, but his hand shoots out and grabs the tiny insect and crushes it. Then he flicks it off the edge of the balcony, where it bursts into flame, and goes back to calmly eating his caeser salad)
Rahab: Raziel, that theory is moot.
Zephon: I bet I could learn a lot from him.
Turel: (Sly grin) Planning to seduce him with the outfit you're wearing?
Kain: AHH! Mental image! Don't give Zephon any ideas, Turel. He's messed up enough as it is!!!
Zephon: Hey!
(Ariel chooses at that moment to come in; sees Zephon and grabs him with her hands, even if she is a ghost)
Ariel: Hurry up; we're starting the next scene.
Zephon: Okay, okay. But if anyone in the audience begins to complain about my speeches, and me then I'm still going to burn them down!
(The next scene, taking place in Capulet's orchard, has been set up. Instead of the magical tone from before, it' now more of a subdued theme. The fairies haven't taken to this kindly, because they want to keep the mood light and happy throughout the play, but unfortunately one read the play all the way through, saw what happened and then all the fairies left because they got so depressed. So that's the reason there are no sparkles in the air, no romantic music playing, no nothing. Just blandness)
Anamae: (To Umah) Okay, so after you kicked Malek in the non-existent groin, he collapsed holding that non-existent area and then you stole his weapon and broke it in half?
Umah: Yes, he was going to run poor Janos through while he was trying to get a decent cup of coffee.
Anamae: (Sees Ariel and Zephon) Okay, you know the rules. No fighting, no crying, no random acts of violence against the audience; I'm looking at you Clan Lord.
Zephon: Me?
Ariel: don't push it.
Anamae: Now both of you get out there and don't forget your lines.
(The curtain rises to show Ariel floating in the middle of the stage, her hands clasped over her heart. People who were playing poker games, strip poker, pinball and even chess stopped and resume their seats as the play continued)
Ariel: (Taking a deep breath) Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds,
Towards Phoebus' lodging: such a wagoner
As Phaethon would whip you to the west,
And bring in cloudy night immediately.
Spread thy close curtain, love-performing night,
That runaway's eyes may wink and Romeo
Leap to these arms, untalk'd of and unseen.
Lovers can see to do their amorous rites
By their own beauties; or, if love be blind,
It best agrees with night. Come, civil night,
Thou sober-suited matron, all in black,
And learn me how to lose a winning match,
Play'd for a pair of stainless maidenhoods:
Hood my unmann'd blood, bating in my cheeks,
With thy black mantle; till strange love, grown bold,
Think true love acted simple modesty.
Come, night; come, Romeo; come, thou day in night;
For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night
Whiter than new snow on a raven's back.
Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-brow'd night,
Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.
O, I have bought the mansion of a love,
But not possess'd it, and, though I am sold,
Not yet enjoy'd: so tedious is this day
As is the night before some festival
To an impatient child that hath new robes
And may not wear them. O, here comes my nurse,
And she brings news; and every tongue that speaks
But Romeo's name speaks heavenly eloquence.
(Zephon enters with the cords that come from Romeo; the audience doesn't groan because he might destroy them but some whack heavy metal objects on their heads in the hope that they will fall unconscious and not have to listen to his speeches. This plot fails)
Ariel: Now, nurse, what news? What hast thou there? the cords
That Romeo bid thee fetch?
Zephon: (Tosses the cords down) Ay, the cords.
Ariel: Ay me! what news? why dost thou wring thy hands?
Zephon: (Taking on a high-pitched shriek) Ah, well-a-day! he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!
We are undone, lady, we are undone!
Alack the day! he's gone, he's kill'd, he's dead!
Ariel: Can heaven be so envious?
Zephon: Romeo can,
Though heaven cannot: O Romeo, Romeo!
Who ever would have thought it? Romeo!
Ariel: What devil art thou, that dost torment me thus?
This torture should be roar'd in dismal hell.
Hath Romeo slain himself? say thou but 'I,'
And that bare vowel 'I' shall poison more
Than the death-darting eye of cockatrice:
I am not I, if there be such an I;
Or those eyes shut, that make thee answer 'I.'
If he be slain, say 'I'; or if not, no:
Brief sounds determine of my weal or woe.
Zephon: I saw the wound, I saw it with mine eyes,--
God save the mark!--here on his manly breast:
A piteous corse, a bloody piteous corse;
Pale, pale as ashes, all bedaub'd in blood,
All in gore-blood; I swounded at the sight.
Ariel: O, break, my heart! poor bankrupt, break at once!
To prison, eyes, ne'er look on liberty!
Vile earth, to earth resign; end motion here;
And thou and Romeo press one heavy bier!
Zephon: O Tybalt, Tybalt, the best friend I had!
O courteous Tybalt! honest gentleman!
That ever I should live to see thee dead!
Ariel: What storm is this that blows so contrary?
Is Romeo slaughter'd, and is Tybalt dead?
My dear-loved cousin, and my dearer lord?
Then, dreadful trumpet, sound the general doom!
For who is living, if those two are gone?
Zephon: Tybalt is gone, and Romeo banished;
Romeo that kill'd him, he is banished.
Ariel: (Begins to look like she will faint) O God! did Romeo's hand shed Tybalt's blood?
(In the audience)
Mortanius: And now the real tragedy begins.
Nupraptor: (Sniff) Yeah, I'm all out of popcorn!
Moebius: No you idiot; the play!
Nupraptor: All the same…(sees across the aisle the Bishop of Meridian eating some popcorn. The Guardian of the Mind tries to make the bag float up and towards him, but all he succeeds in doing is just making the popcorn fall onto the Bishop, the floor, and onto Bane) Sorry.
Bane: do that again and I will injury you myself.
Nupraptor: But you're a druid, all peaceful.
Bane: I'm willing to stretch that philosophy just a bit for you, buddy.
(Back to the play)
Zephon: It did, it did; alas the day, it did!
Ariel: O serpent heart, hid with a flowering face!
Did ever dragon keep so fair a cave?
Beautiful tyrant! fiend angelical!
Dove-feather'd raven! wolvish-ravening lamb!
Despised substance of divinest show!
Just opposite to what thou justly seem'st,
A damned saint, an honourable villain!
O nature, what hadst thou to do in hell,
When thou didst bower the spirit of a fiend
In moral paradise of such sweet flesh?
Was ever book containing such vile matter
So fairly bound? O that deceit should dwell
In such a gorgeous palace!
Zephon: There's no trust,
No faith, no honesty in men; all perjured,
All forsworn, all naught, all dissemblers.
Ah, where's my man? give me some aqua vitae:
These griefs, these woes, these sorrows make me old.
Shame come to Romeo!
Ariel: Blister'd be thy tongue
For such a wish! he was not born to shame:
Upon his brow shame is ashamed to sit;
For 'tis a throne where honour may be crown'd
Sole monarch of the universal earth.
O, what a beast was I to chide at him!
Zephon: Will you speak well of him that kill'd your cousin?
(In the audience…again)
Random Seraphim: Hey, the roles are reversed.
Random Sarafan: What do you mean?
Random Seraphim: Well, is appears Juliet is doing all the talking and for once the nurse has just shut up and not going on and on and on.
Random Sarafan: A good change. But don't jinx it.
Random Vampire: Agreed. Now everyone be quiet and watch what's happening!
(Back to the reversed roles onstage)
Ariel: Shall I speak ill of him that is my husband?
Ah, poor my lord, what tongue shall smooth thy name,
When I, thy three-hours wife, have mangled it?
But, wherefore, villain, didst thou kill my cousin?
That villain cousin would have kill'd my husband:
Back, foolish tears, back to your native spring;
Your tributary drops belong to woe,
Which you, mistaking, offer up to joy.
My husband lives, that Tybalt would have slain;
And Tybalt's dead, that would have slain my husband:
All this is comfort; wherefore weep I then?
Some word there was, worser than Tybalt's death,
That murder'd me: I would forget it fain;
But, O, it presses to my memory,
Like damned guilty deeds to sinners' minds:
'Tybalt is dead, and Romeo--banished;'
That 'banished,' that one word 'banished,'
Hath slain ten thousand Tybalts. Tybalt's death
Was woe enough, if it had ended there:
Or, if sour woe delights in fellowship
And needly will be rank'd with other griefs,
Why follow'd not, when she said 'Tybalt's dead,'
Thy father, or thy mother, nay, or both,
Which modern lamentations might have moved?
But with a rear-ward following Tybalt's death,
'Romeo is banished,' to speak that word,
Is father, mother, Tybalt, Romeo, Juliet,
All slain, all dead. 'Romeo is banished!'
There is no end, no limit, measure, bound,
In that word's death; no words can that woe sound.
Where is my father, and my mother, nurse?
Zephon: (Looking at his watch as Ariel finishes speaking) 3 minutes and 20 seconds.
Ariel: You were timing me?
Zephon: Someone had to.
Ariel: (Infuriated) Why you little-
Zephon: Temper!
Ariel: (Composing herself; smiling through gritted teeth) I shall get you for this.
Zephon: Like to see you try. (Coughs) Weeping and wailing over Tybalt's corse:
Will you go to them? I will bring you thither.
Ariel: Wash they his wounds with tears: mine shall be spent,
When theirs are dry, for Romeo's banishment.
Take up those cords: poor ropes, you are beguiled,
Both you and I; for Romeo is exiled:
He made you for a highway to my bed;
But I, a maid, die maiden-widowed.
Come, cords, come, nurse; I'll to my wedding-bed;
And death, not Romeo, take my maidenhead!
Zephon: Hie to your chamber: I'll find Romeo
To comfort you: I wot well where he is.
Hark ye, your Romeo will be here at night:
I'll to him; he is hid at Laurence' cell.
Ariel: O, find him! give this ring to my true knight,
And bid him come to take his last farewell.
(Curtain drops; backstage)
Vorador: Well, at least Juliet has her priorities in order.
Rahab: What do you mean by that?
Vorador: Well, before Romeo goes off from Verona where they might never see each other again, she wants to make sure he's got the goods, has got the moves and the stamina.
Rahab: …I don't follow.
Vorador: Take her flower, give a little pickle-tickle, a rustle in the hay, make the world shake.
Rahab: (Silence)
Vorador: Are you just dodging around playing stupid or do you actually don't know what I am getting at?
Raziel: (Pops up from nowhere) Rahab, Vorador in all his talking, means these few words…(whispers in Rahab's ear)
Rahab: (Turning a bright red for his pale features) Oh my GOD! You're sick, Vorador! Sick, sick, sick!
Vorador: (Grinning) I just call it as it is. And I think Kain is looking forwards to that scene too.
(Everyone looks at Kain, who is studying his reflection in the mirror, brushing out his hair, brushing his teeth until they shine and since vampires don't bathe in water because they can burn, he uses milk. On top of that, the vampire emperor is humming a swinging beat from the 20's while snapping his talons as well)
Raziel: I think this is one of the very few and rare times I've seen dad happy.
Rahab: What were the other times?
Raziel: When he kicked the IRS guy out the front door.
Rahab: Or set the dragons on the religious people.
Raziel: Yeah, that was good fun.
(Ariel begins to look around for the cross-dressing vampire, asking all the crewmembers and actors, even the mice of the stage even if they can't talk back to her. Meanwhile, as Dumah is still bemoaning the death of Tybalt - and everyone else is breathing a sigh of relief - Kain is showing his sons his most hated nemesis of all time, the Sarafan Lord. The vampires are poking their heads just around the edge of the curtain and with narrowed eyes look up at the figure in the balcony, sitting on his throne like he's the best)
Kain: And he took the Soul Reaver from me, but after I slept for 200 years, I rose back up and single-handedly defeated him, at the same time taking down enemies that had once been friends. Of course then everyone was asking me to become the ruler of Nosgoth because I had shown everyone my strength, agility and just dashing good looks.
Turel: Why does the Sarafan's head glow?
Kain: I don't know.
Rahab: (Raising binoculars to look at him) It might be his hair.
Melchiah: His voice is weird.
Zephon: Dad, do you think I'd be able to get his autograph?
Kain: No, I don't want you boys going up to him. He'll kill you outright.
Raziel: Aw, he can't be all that bad.
Kain: How do you figure that out?
Raziel: Because he's a vegetarian. And we all know that vegetarians can't hurt anyone, not even a fly.
(Rahab, still looking through the binoculars, sees a small fly buzzing around the Sarafan Lord's head. The Hylden Lord doesn't even look at it, but his hand shoots out and grabs the tiny insect and crushes it. Then he flicks it off the edge of the balcony, where it bursts into flame, and goes back to calmly eating his caeser salad)
Rahab: Raziel, that theory is moot.
Zephon: I bet I could learn a lot from him.
Turel: (Sly grin) Planning to seduce him with the outfit you're wearing?
Kain: AHH! Mental image! Don't give Zephon any ideas, Turel. He's messed up enough as it is!!!
Zephon: Hey!
(Ariel chooses at that moment to come in; sees Zephon and grabs him with her hands, even if she is a ghost)
Ariel: Hurry up; we're starting the next scene.
Zephon: Okay, okay. But if anyone in the audience begins to complain about my speeches, and me then I'm still going to burn them down!
(The next scene, taking place in Capulet's orchard, has been set up. Instead of the magical tone from before, it' now more of a subdued theme. The fairies haven't taken to this kindly, because they want to keep the mood light and happy throughout the play, but unfortunately one read the play all the way through, saw what happened and then all the fairies left because they got so depressed. So that's the reason there are no sparkles in the air, no romantic music playing, no nothing. Just blandness)
Anamae: (To Umah) Okay, so after you kicked Malek in the non-existent groin, he collapsed holding that non-existent area and then you stole his weapon and broke it in half?
Umah: Yes, he was going to run poor Janos through while he was trying to get a decent cup of coffee.
Anamae: (Sees Ariel and Zephon) Okay, you know the rules. No fighting, no crying, no random acts of violence against the audience; I'm looking at you Clan Lord.
Zephon: Me?
Ariel: don't push it.
Anamae: Now both of you get out there and don't forget your lines.
(The curtain rises to show Ariel floating in the middle of the stage, her hands clasped over her heart. People who were playing poker games, strip poker, pinball and even chess stopped and resume their seats as the play continued)
Ariel: (Taking a deep breath) Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds,
Towards Phoebus' lodging: such a wagoner
As Phaethon would whip you to the west,
And bring in cloudy night immediately.
Spread thy close curtain, love-performing night,
That runaway's eyes may wink and Romeo
Leap to these arms, untalk'd of and unseen.
Lovers can see to do their amorous rites
By their own beauties; or, if love be blind,
It best agrees with night. Come, civil night,
Thou sober-suited matron, all in black,
And learn me how to lose a winning match,
Play'd for a pair of stainless maidenhoods:
Hood my unmann'd blood, bating in my cheeks,
With thy black mantle; till strange love, grown bold,
Think true love acted simple modesty.
Come, night; come, Romeo; come, thou day in night;
For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night
Whiter than new snow on a raven's back.
Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-brow'd night,
Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.
O, I have bought the mansion of a love,
But not possess'd it, and, though I am sold,
Not yet enjoy'd: so tedious is this day
As is the night before some festival
To an impatient child that hath new robes
And may not wear them. O, here comes my nurse,
And she brings news; and every tongue that speaks
But Romeo's name speaks heavenly eloquence.
(Zephon enters with the cords that come from Romeo; the audience doesn't groan because he might destroy them but some whack heavy metal objects on their heads in the hope that they will fall unconscious and not have to listen to his speeches. This plot fails)
Ariel: Now, nurse, what news? What hast thou there? the cords
That Romeo bid thee fetch?
Zephon: (Tosses the cords down) Ay, the cords.
Ariel: Ay me! what news? why dost thou wring thy hands?
Zephon: (Taking on a high-pitched shriek) Ah, well-a-day! he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!
We are undone, lady, we are undone!
Alack the day! he's gone, he's kill'd, he's dead!
Ariel: Can heaven be so envious?
Zephon: Romeo can,
Though heaven cannot: O Romeo, Romeo!
Who ever would have thought it? Romeo!
Ariel: What devil art thou, that dost torment me thus?
This torture should be roar'd in dismal hell.
Hath Romeo slain himself? say thou but 'I,'
And that bare vowel 'I' shall poison more
Than the death-darting eye of cockatrice:
I am not I, if there be such an I;
Or those eyes shut, that make thee answer 'I.'
If he be slain, say 'I'; or if not, no:
Brief sounds determine of my weal or woe.
Zephon: I saw the wound, I saw it with mine eyes,--
God save the mark!--here on his manly breast:
A piteous corse, a bloody piteous corse;
Pale, pale as ashes, all bedaub'd in blood,
All in gore-blood; I swounded at the sight.
Ariel: O, break, my heart! poor bankrupt, break at once!
To prison, eyes, ne'er look on liberty!
Vile earth, to earth resign; end motion here;
And thou and Romeo press one heavy bier!
Zephon: O Tybalt, Tybalt, the best friend I had!
O courteous Tybalt! honest gentleman!
That ever I should live to see thee dead!
Ariel: What storm is this that blows so contrary?
Is Romeo slaughter'd, and is Tybalt dead?
My dear-loved cousin, and my dearer lord?
Then, dreadful trumpet, sound the general doom!
For who is living, if those two are gone?
Zephon: Tybalt is gone, and Romeo banished;
Romeo that kill'd him, he is banished.
Ariel: (Begins to look like she will faint) O God! did Romeo's hand shed Tybalt's blood?
(In the audience)
Mortanius: And now the real tragedy begins.
Nupraptor: (Sniff) Yeah, I'm all out of popcorn!
Moebius: No you idiot; the play!
Nupraptor: All the same…(sees across the aisle the Bishop of Meridian eating some popcorn. The Guardian of the Mind tries to make the bag float up and towards him, but all he succeeds in doing is just making the popcorn fall onto the Bishop, the floor, and onto Bane) Sorry.
Bane: do that again and I will injury you myself.
Nupraptor: But you're a druid, all peaceful.
Bane: I'm willing to stretch that philosophy just a bit for you, buddy.
(Back to the play)
Zephon: It did, it did; alas the day, it did!
Ariel: O serpent heart, hid with a flowering face!
Did ever dragon keep so fair a cave?
Beautiful tyrant! fiend angelical!
Dove-feather'd raven! wolvish-ravening lamb!
Despised substance of divinest show!
Just opposite to what thou justly seem'st,
A damned saint, an honourable villain!
O nature, what hadst thou to do in hell,
When thou didst bower the spirit of a fiend
In moral paradise of such sweet flesh?
Was ever book containing such vile matter
So fairly bound? O that deceit should dwell
In such a gorgeous palace!
Zephon: There's no trust,
No faith, no honesty in men; all perjured,
All forsworn, all naught, all dissemblers.
Ah, where's my man? give me some aqua vitae:
These griefs, these woes, these sorrows make me old.
Shame come to Romeo!
Ariel: Blister'd be thy tongue
For such a wish! he was not born to shame:
Upon his brow shame is ashamed to sit;
For 'tis a throne where honour may be crown'd
Sole monarch of the universal earth.
O, what a beast was I to chide at him!
Zephon: Will you speak well of him that kill'd your cousin?
(In the audience…again)
Random Seraphim: Hey, the roles are reversed.
Random Sarafan: What do you mean?
Random Seraphim: Well, is appears Juliet is doing all the talking and for once the nurse has just shut up and not going on and on and on.
Random Sarafan: A good change. But don't jinx it.
Random Vampire: Agreed. Now everyone be quiet and watch what's happening!
(Back to the reversed roles onstage)
Ariel: Shall I speak ill of him that is my husband?
Ah, poor my lord, what tongue shall smooth thy name,
When I, thy three-hours wife, have mangled it?
But, wherefore, villain, didst thou kill my cousin?
That villain cousin would have kill'd my husband:
Back, foolish tears, back to your native spring;
Your tributary drops belong to woe,
Which you, mistaking, offer up to joy.
My husband lives, that Tybalt would have slain;
And Tybalt's dead, that would have slain my husband:
All this is comfort; wherefore weep I then?
Some word there was, worser than Tybalt's death,
That murder'd me: I would forget it fain;
But, O, it presses to my memory,
Like damned guilty deeds to sinners' minds:
'Tybalt is dead, and Romeo--banished;'
That 'banished,' that one word 'banished,'
Hath slain ten thousand Tybalts. Tybalt's death
Was woe enough, if it had ended there:
Or, if sour woe delights in fellowship
And needly will be rank'd with other griefs,
Why follow'd not, when she said 'Tybalt's dead,'
Thy father, or thy mother, nay, or both,
Which modern lamentations might have moved?
But with a rear-ward following Tybalt's death,
'Romeo is banished,' to speak that word,
Is father, mother, Tybalt, Romeo, Juliet,
All slain, all dead. 'Romeo is banished!'
There is no end, no limit, measure, bound,
In that word's death; no words can that woe sound.
Where is my father, and my mother, nurse?
Zephon: (Looking at his watch as Ariel finishes speaking) 3 minutes and 20 seconds.
Ariel: You were timing me?
Zephon: Someone had to.
Ariel: (Infuriated) Why you little-
Zephon: Temper!
Ariel: (Composing herself; smiling through gritted teeth) I shall get you for this.
Zephon: Like to see you try. (Coughs) Weeping and wailing over Tybalt's corse:
Will you go to them? I will bring you thither.
Ariel: Wash they his wounds with tears: mine shall be spent,
When theirs are dry, for Romeo's banishment.
Take up those cords: poor ropes, you are beguiled,
Both you and I; for Romeo is exiled:
He made you for a highway to my bed;
But I, a maid, die maiden-widowed.
Come, cords, come, nurse; I'll to my wedding-bed;
And death, not Romeo, take my maidenhead!
Zephon: Hie to your chamber: I'll find Romeo
To comfort you: I wot well where he is.
Hark ye, your Romeo will be here at night:
I'll to him; he is hid at Laurence' cell.
Ariel: O, find him! give this ring to my true knight,
And bid him come to take his last farewell.
(Curtain drops; backstage)
Vorador: Well, at least Juliet has her priorities in order.
Rahab: What do you mean by that?
Vorador: Well, before Romeo goes off from Verona where they might never see each other again, she wants to make sure he's got the goods, has got the moves and the stamina.
Rahab: …I don't follow.
Vorador: Take her flower, give a little pickle-tickle, a rustle in the hay, make the world shake.
Rahab: (Silence)
Vorador: Are you just dodging around playing stupid or do you actually don't know what I am getting at?
Raziel: (Pops up from nowhere) Rahab, Vorador in all his talking, means these few words…(whispers in Rahab's ear)
Rahab: (Turning a bright red for his pale features) Oh my GOD! You're sick, Vorador! Sick, sick, sick!
Vorador: (Grinning) I just call it as it is. And I think Kain is looking forwards to that scene too.
(Everyone looks at Kain, who is studying his reflection in the mirror, brushing out his hair, brushing his teeth until they shine and since vampires don't bathe in water because they can burn, he uses milk. On top of that, the vampire emperor is humming a swinging beat from the 20's while snapping his talons as well)
Raziel: I think this is one of the very few and rare times I've seen dad happy.
Rahab: What were the other times?
Raziel: When he kicked the IRS guy out the front door.
Rahab: Or set the dragons on the religious people.
Raziel: Yeah, that was good fun.