Melchiah: Is it just me or does everyone seem to be timing everyone else who has exceptionally long lines?
Anamae: No, it's not you. It's the latest fad.
Melchiah: Well for once I'm with the times. (Looks at his dress) Is there any lint on my bosom?
Janos: No, there isn't.
Malek: (Shivering) How can you even look there?
Janos: What?
Malek: Looking there. He's a cross dresser and it looks like you're almost attracted to him.
Janos: Hey, he was asking if there was any lint on his dress or fake bosom and I said no. I'm not coming onto him anyway; that's just sick. I have a girl waiting for me back at the fortress I call home. And incidentally, you're mind must be on such things, Malek. Count Paris is not only horny in the play; he's also like that in real life.
(Well, Malek took offence to this as he always does. So he did the only thing that he knew to do properly. He charged Janos with his spear, which he somehow managed to conjure up from the middle of nowhere, even after Umah destroyed his old one. The look on Janos' face was one of 'I'm not gonna live to see my three thousandth birthday and immediately took to flight. Malek chucked his spear at the Seraphim, who managed to dodge it. At that precise moment Raziel was coming out from the makeup room and that said spear struck him right in the chest)
Raziel: Oh no, not again!
Malek: (Silence) It was Janos' fault!
Janos: (Coming back to the ground) No it wasn't. You started it all.
Malek: Well you didn't have to dodge the spear. You should have taken it like a man.
Janos: And let me die?
(While the two were fighting once again, Raziel was trying to take the spear out of him without much success. Umah came along and ripped it right out, making Raziel scream like a little girl. Then he collapsed and the fangirls suddenly rushed around him, carting him off to god only knows where but people could make a good assumption of where was)
Anamae: (To Melchiah) Get out onstage and look good. And don't say anything more about your bosom!
Melchiah: All right! (Walks out onstage)
Anamae: (Watches Janos and Malek scuffle) Hey, stop that! Stop that! (They continue fighting) Stop that----KAIN!!!!!!
(Kain comes in from around the corner and holds the Soul Reaver up. The two stop fighting and take their places on stage, but shot murderous looks at each other. Anamae gives the signal and the curtain rises, showing the inside of the Capulet mansion where Malek, Janos and Melchiah are all standing in a semi circle. The Seraphim look at Janos and then at Malek, sensing something is wrong. How right they are)
Janos: Things have fall'n out, sir, so unluckily,
That we have had no time to move our daughter:
Look you, she loved her kinsman Tybalt dearly,
And so did I:--Well, we were born to die.
'Tis very late, she'll not come down to-night:
I promise you, but for your company,
I would have been a-bed an hour ago.
Malek: (Hissing) These times of woe afford no time to woo.
Madam, good night: commend me to your daughter.
Melchiah: I will, and know her mind early to-morrow;
To-night she is mew'd up to her heaviness.
Janos: (Growling at Malek) Sir Paris, I will make a desperate tender
Of my child's love: I think she will be ruled
In all respects by me; nay, more, I doubt it not.
Wife, go you to her ere you go to bed;
Acquaint her here of my son Paris' love;
And bid her, mark you me, on Wednesday next--
But, soft! what day is this?
Malek: (Cracking his knuckles) Monday, my lord,
Janos: (Flexing his muscles, tensing up to fight) Monday! ha, ha! Well, Wednesday is too soon,
O' Thursday let it be: o' Thursday, tell her,
She shall be married to this noble earl.
Will you be ready? do you like this haste?
We'll keep no great ado,--a friend or two;
For, hark you, Tybalt being slain so late,
It may be thought we held him carelessly,
Being our kinsman, if we revel much:
Therefore we'll have some half a dozen friends,
And there an end. But what say you to Thursday?
Malek: My lord, I would that Thursday were to-morrow.
Janos: Well get you gone: o' Thursday be it, then.
Go you to Juliet ere you go to bed,
Prepare her, wife, against this wedding-day.
Farewell, my lord. Light to my chamber, ho!
Afore me! it is so very very late,
That we may call it early by and by.
Good night.
(It's the end of the scene, but the two don't move. Melchiah goes off stage, thinking the other two have followed him but they of course haven't. Malek and Janos stare right down at each other, and the audience gets tense. Then it happens)
Random crewmember backstage: Janos, your fly's open!
Janos: (Turns around) What?
Malek: (Punching Janos in the jaw) AHA!
Seraphim in the audience: Paris can't have Juliet and now he's beating up on her father! Oh why do these things have to happen?!
Anamae: (Coming onto the stage and tries to break up the fight) Stop it, stop it!!!!
Vorador: (Rushing onstage) I'm coming, father!
(So Vorador pulls Malek off of Janos while Anamae grabs the Seraphim, swings him over her shoulders and carts him offstage)
Anamae: Can we go one night without a single fight?
(Vorador meanwhile is re-enacting the fight from Blood Omen 1 and seems once again to be winning)
Mortanius: Go Malek, fight back! Hit the vampire in the nuts!
Nupraptor: (Eating a Mae West) Can't we all just get along?
Dejoule: NO!
(Well, the Circle members were giving support to Malek but the vampires were giving support to Vorador. And the Seraphim were swinging away from being neutral and going in the direction of giving support to Vorador. All the while, the Sarafan Lord was watching this and just smiling)
Sarafan Lord: Ah, my plan has worked.
Keeves the Butler: What plan, milord?
Sarafan Lord: No plan, but it makes me feel important and powerful just to say those words.
Keeves the Butler: Yes, milord.
(Soon the audience is nothing more that a big mob shouting out one thing or another to the two combatants. Backstage everything is pretty much the same, cast and crewmembers ganging up against each other. Then wonder of wonders and miracles of miracles the director in change, who was unconscious this whole time, manages to wake up. She struts up quickly, grabs the microphone from Anamae and walks out onstage. Her presence commands the awe and respect of everyone in the theatre house and everyone falls silent. She puts the microphone to her lips and speaks)
Director: The play will go on, mindless of petty rivalries!
(She was about to say more, but at that moment a sandbag came loose from the rafters above and with a clunk and a ping, it hit her on the head, effectively knocking her out again. Everyone fell silent and Turel said a few words that summed up everything quite well)
Turel: Damn, that must of hurt. Oh well, on with the show indeed.
(The security guards manage to pull Malek and Vorador apart after only suffering one death, then the curtain dropped and the blood was cleaned up for the next 'famous' scene. And for once in their life, the Seraphim retaliated against the Circle by throwing their umbrellas, popcorn and noise makers at them, knocking all of them save Nupraptor out)
Nupraptor: I'm loved.
Anamae: No, it's not you. It's the latest fad.
Melchiah: Well for once I'm with the times. (Looks at his dress) Is there any lint on my bosom?
Janos: No, there isn't.
Malek: (Shivering) How can you even look there?
Janos: What?
Malek: Looking there. He's a cross dresser and it looks like you're almost attracted to him.
Janos: Hey, he was asking if there was any lint on his dress or fake bosom and I said no. I'm not coming onto him anyway; that's just sick. I have a girl waiting for me back at the fortress I call home. And incidentally, you're mind must be on such things, Malek. Count Paris is not only horny in the play; he's also like that in real life.
(Well, Malek took offence to this as he always does. So he did the only thing that he knew to do properly. He charged Janos with his spear, which he somehow managed to conjure up from the middle of nowhere, even after Umah destroyed his old one. The look on Janos' face was one of 'I'm not gonna live to see my three thousandth birthday and immediately took to flight. Malek chucked his spear at the Seraphim, who managed to dodge it. At that precise moment Raziel was coming out from the makeup room and that said spear struck him right in the chest)
Raziel: Oh no, not again!
Malek: (Silence) It was Janos' fault!
Janos: (Coming back to the ground) No it wasn't. You started it all.
Malek: Well you didn't have to dodge the spear. You should have taken it like a man.
Janos: And let me die?
(While the two were fighting once again, Raziel was trying to take the spear out of him without much success. Umah came along and ripped it right out, making Raziel scream like a little girl. Then he collapsed and the fangirls suddenly rushed around him, carting him off to god only knows where but people could make a good assumption of where was)
Anamae: (To Melchiah) Get out onstage and look good. And don't say anything more about your bosom!
Melchiah: All right! (Walks out onstage)
Anamae: (Watches Janos and Malek scuffle) Hey, stop that! Stop that! (They continue fighting) Stop that----KAIN!!!!!!
(Kain comes in from around the corner and holds the Soul Reaver up. The two stop fighting and take their places on stage, but shot murderous looks at each other. Anamae gives the signal and the curtain rises, showing the inside of the Capulet mansion where Malek, Janos and Melchiah are all standing in a semi circle. The Seraphim look at Janos and then at Malek, sensing something is wrong. How right they are)
Janos: Things have fall'n out, sir, so unluckily,
That we have had no time to move our daughter:
Look you, she loved her kinsman Tybalt dearly,
And so did I:--Well, we were born to die.
'Tis very late, she'll not come down to-night:
I promise you, but for your company,
I would have been a-bed an hour ago.
Malek: (Hissing) These times of woe afford no time to woo.
Madam, good night: commend me to your daughter.
Melchiah: I will, and know her mind early to-morrow;
To-night she is mew'd up to her heaviness.
Janos: (Growling at Malek) Sir Paris, I will make a desperate tender
Of my child's love: I think she will be ruled
In all respects by me; nay, more, I doubt it not.
Wife, go you to her ere you go to bed;
Acquaint her here of my son Paris' love;
And bid her, mark you me, on Wednesday next--
But, soft! what day is this?
Malek: (Cracking his knuckles) Monday, my lord,
Janos: (Flexing his muscles, tensing up to fight) Monday! ha, ha! Well, Wednesday is too soon,
O' Thursday let it be: o' Thursday, tell her,
She shall be married to this noble earl.
Will you be ready? do you like this haste?
We'll keep no great ado,--a friend or two;
For, hark you, Tybalt being slain so late,
It may be thought we held him carelessly,
Being our kinsman, if we revel much:
Therefore we'll have some half a dozen friends,
And there an end. But what say you to Thursday?
Malek: My lord, I would that Thursday were to-morrow.
Janos: Well get you gone: o' Thursday be it, then.
Go you to Juliet ere you go to bed,
Prepare her, wife, against this wedding-day.
Farewell, my lord. Light to my chamber, ho!
Afore me! it is so very very late,
That we may call it early by and by.
Good night.
(It's the end of the scene, but the two don't move. Melchiah goes off stage, thinking the other two have followed him but they of course haven't. Malek and Janos stare right down at each other, and the audience gets tense. Then it happens)
Random crewmember backstage: Janos, your fly's open!
Janos: (Turns around) What?
Malek: (Punching Janos in the jaw) AHA!
Seraphim in the audience: Paris can't have Juliet and now he's beating up on her father! Oh why do these things have to happen?!
Anamae: (Coming onto the stage and tries to break up the fight) Stop it, stop it!!!!
Vorador: (Rushing onstage) I'm coming, father!
(So Vorador pulls Malek off of Janos while Anamae grabs the Seraphim, swings him over her shoulders and carts him offstage)
Anamae: Can we go one night without a single fight?
(Vorador meanwhile is re-enacting the fight from Blood Omen 1 and seems once again to be winning)
Mortanius: Go Malek, fight back! Hit the vampire in the nuts!
Nupraptor: (Eating a Mae West) Can't we all just get along?
Dejoule: NO!
(Well, the Circle members were giving support to Malek but the vampires were giving support to Vorador. And the Seraphim were swinging away from being neutral and going in the direction of giving support to Vorador. All the while, the Sarafan Lord was watching this and just smiling)
Sarafan Lord: Ah, my plan has worked.
Keeves the Butler: What plan, milord?
Sarafan Lord: No plan, but it makes me feel important and powerful just to say those words.
Keeves the Butler: Yes, milord.
(Soon the audience is nothing more that a big mob shouting out one thing or another to the two combatants. Backstage everything is pretty much the same, cast and crewmembers ganging up against each other. Then wonder of wonders and miracles of miracles the director in change, who was unconscious this whole time, manages to wake up. She struts up quickly, grabs the microphone from Anamae and walks out onstage. Her presence commands the awe and respect of everyone in the theatre house and everyone falls silent. She puts the microphone to her lips and speaks)
Director: The play will go on, mindless of petty rivalries!
(She was about to say more, but at that moment a sandbag came loose from the rafters above and with a clunk and a ping, it hit her on the head, effectively knocking her out again. Everyone fell silent and Turel said a few words that summed up everything quite well)
Turel: Damn, that must of hurt. Oh well, on with the show indeed.
(The security guards manage to pull Malek and Vorador apart after only suffering one death, then the curtain dropped and the blood was cleaned up for the next 'famous' scene. And for once in their life, the Seraphim retaliated against the Circle by throwing their umbrellas, popcorn and noise makers at them, knocking all of them save Nupraptor out)
Nupraptor: I'm loved.