(The final scene 'finally' arrived. Yes, the people in the audience do not
know that have been barricaded into a theatre that will be their burning
tomb, but who gives a care? None of them...well a few see the smoke but
believe it to be part of the script or the special effects - everyone
blames special effects always - or maybe some heavy chain-smoker in the way
back who was never able to quit because the nicorete wasn't enough...but
most don't give a flying monkey.)
Flying monkey: *soars through a window and chatters angrily then flies away*
(Disregard that.)
Suzu: That smoke is getting thicker...
Dumahim vampire: Smells like teen spirit - like the teen I ate before coming here! *everyone groans at the bad comedy*
Sarafan: Shut up! *chucks a brick at the vampire, knocking him out*
And all the people cheered.
Dejoule: It does seem smoky...Bane, are you doing that narcotic again?
Bane: How dare you accuse me of such a thing?! I've been off of it for over three days now. And I'm getting the jitters. *gets shaky* I need a high...I need a high...
Mortanius: Bane, stop that! *thwacks him over the head* There are children here too! No one needs to see you like this. And besides, the smoke doesn't smell like the same stuff you usually have.
Nupraptor: Yeah, it smells like a fire that it horribly out of control on the second level that no one bothered to put out because maybe the fire extinguisher wasn't repaired by the fire department because they're on strike.
(The people near Nupraptor began to get edgy because most likely he was right. He was the Guardian of the Mind, who would be able to deal with such problems and maybe they should have listened to Moebius beforehand when he was-)
Rahabim vampire: No way! We're all okay here! *turns to his friend* Pass the sunscreen. It's getting a little hot in here-
Elder God: So take off all your clothes! *everyone stares at him* What? It's a song people, a song that-oh fine, and never mind. Stop looking at me like that! Stop looking at me!
(Everyone boo's the really bad comedy once again, then turns back to the stage as the curtains, who seem to have a wreath of fire surrounding them, are pulled back for the final scene to begin...and the end of a long, involving, hectic, insane, messed-up, retarded, too-stupid-to-understand- the-whole-plot of this play anymore.)
(Backstage)
Malek: My final cue! *looks at Kain* And your death.
Kain: But not by your hand! *brandishes the Soul Reaver* If you believe for a moment that you will kill me, then you have another thing coming.
Vorador: Yes, indeed you do. *steps out from behind a conveniently placed crate* Because I kill you.
Malek: ...guys, it's a play. I'm getting into my character here.
Kain: Must you bash on every good moment that we have?
Vorador: Seriously, I try and have some fun and people take it too far. Oh yeah, it's all fun and games until someone goes and looses a black heart and then its fricken hilarious!
(The reason this conversation had no meaning behind it at all, or in no way adds to the plot is because the smoke fumes that the actors are inhaling are effecting their minds quite a bit. Already Dumah was feeling a little light-headed and not because there wasn't a brain there...hmm, that's stretching the truth a bit too much. Raziel was wobbling around like someone had replaced his legs with jello, and the corpses of the three Benvolio's looked like they were smouldering. Did anyone do anything about this? No, because they thought it was special effects once again playing a prank or maybe it was part of the old director's script.)
Anamae: Final scene! Everyone get your butts on stage. I want this night to be over and done with right now! No foul up's or else I'll take everyone head, clean them out, plug up the eyes, ears and nose with the mouth and use them for drinking cups!
Zephon: *snaps his fingers* Sounds like a good idea.
Anamae: Can it, Nurse!
(Meanwhile, over to Janos)
(Janos was sleeping still in the pile of ropes, cords, odd bits and ends working off the concussion that had been given to him. Blearily he opened one eye, looked up, and gave a groan. It seemed like he was in hell. The Ancient could see the little Fire Demons dancing merrily away, doing their work that would certainly earn them brownie points once they got back home. And then Janos realized something monumental: The theatre house was on fire. If he didn't do something soon, then everyone would die. It was up to him to save the day!)
Janos: *gets up quickly* Everyone, the theatre house is on fire and-
(At the frantic run Janos was going at, he didn't see the cheap banana peel in his way. Taloned foot comes into contact with peel, Janos goes flying. Slo-mo for suspense. Hits his head against an iron girder. Knocks of a carefully imbalanced cement block. Hits Janos on head. Janos is *again* knocked out. On with the story and no one knowing that they might be minutes away from being tasty tatters or on FOX channel for the special 'When Theatre houses Attack!')
Anamae: *sees a rafter burning above her head* ...that's not right. *sees the roof over the stage on fire* I should do something about this. I really should. Time to take decisive action and make a difference.
(The director chucked the Shakespeare script over her shoulder, went over to the refreshment table, poured herself a cup of vodka and sipped it slowly while leaning against the table. Yes, this was a good course of action to follow.)
(Now, because the special effects crew were getting the hell from everyone else, Murrey decided to call it quits right there and then. To add insult to injury, he took the final pop that was needed for the final scene. The backdrop, which would have been a wonderful picture of a graveyard people, just try and imagine the graveyard audience please, with a tomb belonging to the Capulet, was gone and all that was left was a bare wall. At least he didn't take the grave stone slab on which Ariel rested...)
(Stands outside the crypt door)
Malek: *walking out onstage followed by a page* Give me thy torch, boy: hence, and stand aloof: Yet put it out, for I would not be seen. Under yond yew-trees lay thee all along, Holding thine ear close to the hollow ground; So shall no foot upon the churchyard tread, Being loose, unfirm, with digging up of graves, But thou shalt hear it: whistle then to me, As signal that thou hear'st something approach. Give me those flowers. Do as I bid thee, go.
Page: *to himself* I am almost afraid to stand alone Here in the churchyard; yet I will adventure. Digging up graves seems like a fun option, if my name is not Igor!
(Runs off)
Malek: Sweet flower, with flowers thy bridal bed I strew,-- O woe! thy canopy is dust and stones;-- Which with sweet water nightly I will dew, Or, wanting that, with tears distill'd by moans: The obsequies that I for thee will keep Nightly shall be to strew thy grave and weep
(The page whistles as he sees company approaching...or was he trying to hail the ice cream man outside the Theatre house who had stopped in his rounds to watch the building burn down?)
Malek: *hisses evilly* The boy gives warning something doth approach. What cursed foot wanders this way to-night, To cross my obsequies and true love's rite? What with a torch! muffle me, night, awhile
(Fades into the back of the scenery, into shadow where people can still see Malek because of his burning eyes. Dead giveaway, but the people pretend to not see him. And now Malek was beginning to feel the heat of the performance going against him.)
(Kain and Balthasar walk to the crypt with a torch, a mattock - which is something between a mat and a hammock - and look like they're about to do some breaking and entering against the law.)
Kain: Give me that mattock and the wrenching iron. Hold, take this letter; early in the morning See thou deliver it to my lord and father. Give me the light: upon thy life, I charge thee, Whate'er thou hear'st or seest, stand all aloof, And do not interrupt me in my course. Why I descend into this bed of death, Is partly to behold my lady's face; But chiefly to take thence from her dead finger A precious ring, a ring that I must use In dear employment: therefore hence, be gone: But if thou, jealous, dost return to pry In what I further shall intend to do, By heaven, I will tear thee joint by joint And strew this hungry churchyard with thy limbs: The time and my intents are savage-wild, More fierce and more inexorable far Than empty tigers or the roaring sea
Balthasar: I don't know what you're planning Romeo, but this doesn't sound like something I as a friend would allow you to do.
Kain: *gives a dead glare* Screw this up and I'll make sure you never have children.
Balthasar: ...I will be gone, sir, and not trouble you.
Kain: So shalt thou show me friendship. Take thou that: Live, and be prosperous: and farewell, good fellow.
Balthasar: *to himself* For all this same, I'll hide me hereabout: His looks I fear, and his intents I doubt.
(Walks offstage, thankful to be alive)
Kain: Thou detestable maw, thou womb of death, Gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth, Thus I enforce thy rotten jaws to open, And, in despite, I'll cram thee with more food!
(Begins to pull at the crypt door with all his strength, cursing and puffing away all the while)
Marcus: So he's going to do what now? Place food in the crypt?
Sebastian: No, you baldy. He's going to kill himself in the crypt. He's the 'food' and he'll 'cram' himself in.
Marcus: He could find his own crypt to do it in. Even we vampires don't break and enter into other tombs unless we're desperate.
Faustus: *thinks back to moving into a tomb to avoid taxes in the Slums, and having never told his friends* Ummm.........yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
(Malek, realizing that his cue has now come, steps from the shadows and draws his sword, stalking towards Kain)
Malek: This is that banish'd haughty Montague, That murder'd my love's cousin, with which grief, It is supposed, the fair creature died; And here is come to do some villanous shame To the dead bodies: I will apprehend him Stop thy unhallow'd toil, vile Montague! Can vengeance be pursued further than death? Condemned villain, I do apprehend thee: Obey, and go with me; for thou must die.
(Kain stops hammering away on the door and turns around slyly, drawing the Soul Reaver at the same moment. He has what could only be described as an evil grin on his face)
Kain: I must indeed; and therefore came I hither. Good gentle youth, tempt not a desperate man; Fly hence, and leave me: think upon these gone; Let them affright thee. I beseech thee, youth, Put not another sin upon my head, By urging me to fury: O, be gone! By heaven, I love thee better than myself; For I come hither arm'd against myself: Stay not, be gone; live, and hereafter say, A madman's mercy bade thee run away
Malek: I do defy thy conjurations, And apprehend thee for a felon here
Kain: For breaking and entering?
Malek: You're a necrophiliac!
Kain: Wilt thou provoke me? then have at thee, boy!
Malek: Boy? I'm way beyond your years!
(And with that slight provocation, the two fight! The crowd began to chant the fight song, which was similar to the Oscar Milder Weiner Song. Malek slashed out with his sword, hoping to sever Kain's spine. But blocking with the Reaver, Kain dodged away to the right, feinted and then blocked an attack from the Guardian of Conflict, and then raised the Soul Reaver high above his head for a downwards blow.)
Page: *walks in holding ice cream; remembers his lines* OH SHIT!!!!! I better go and get the watch! *runs out*
(Vorador, still high from the smoke inhalation, watched the fight and realized that if he wanted to keep his spot in Blood Omen 1 of killing Malek, should do something quickly or else face the consequences of being written out of the script for good. Quickly the old vampire rushed out onstage, knocked Malek down, and broke his neck.)
Vorador: And take that! *runs back to the wings*
Malek: *talking with, yes, a broken neck* O, I am slain! If thou be merciful, Open the tomb, lay me with Juliet.
(And he died...again. And the Sarafan began to sob dramatically at the death of such a noble paladine yak yak yak, blah blah blah, etc. fill in this space with noble words for such and such. The vampires were elated on the other hand. They started cheering and dancing, knowing that they could now walk around butt naked if they wanted to and no one would try to stop them.)
Kain: In faith, I will. Let me peruse this face. Mercutio's kinsman, noble County Paris! What said my man, when my betossed soul Did not attend him as we rode? I think He told me Paris should have married Juliet: Said he not so? or did I dream it so? Or am I mad, hearing him talk of Juliet, To think it was so? O, give me thy hand, One writ with me in sour misfortune's book! I'll bury thee in a triumphant grave; A grave? O no! a lantern, slaughter'd youth, For here lies Juliet, and her beauty makes This vault a feasting presence full of light. Death, lie thou there, by a dead man interr'd.
(Kain opened the tomb and unceremoniously drags Malek's body inside, dumping it into a corner filled with rats and dust. He looks upon the sleeping form of Ariel, who was not truly dead but that's to the mix up in the letter in Romeo's mind is pretty much gone. Ah yes, 'Juliet' was laid out stone cold in the catacombs that held the rest of her very dead, very bony and very dusty family. Flowers were placed around her, roses, tulips and one dandelion that contained a bee *focus quickly in on the bee, then zoom out, then zoom in, then out, in, out and then never come back to the bee again*)
Kain: How oft when men are at the point of death Have they been merry! which their keepers call A lightning before death: O, how may I Call this a lightning? O my love! my wife! Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath, Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty: Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks, And death's pale flag is not advanced there. Tybalt, liest thou there in thy bloody sheet? O, what more favour can I do to thee, Than with that hand that cut thy youth in twain To sunder his that was thine enemy? Forgive me, cousin! Ah, dear Juliet, Why art thou yet so fair? shall I believe That unsubstantial death is amorous, And that the lean abhorred monster keeps Thee here in dark to be his paramour? For fear of that, I still will stay with thee; And never from this palace of dim night Depart again: here, here will I remain With worms that are thy chamber-maids; O, here Will I set up my everlasting rest, And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss A dateless bargain to engrossing death! Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love!
(Kain dramatically takes out the vial of poison, uncorks it and drinks deeply. Making a face because it tastes as bitter as medicine, the vampire lies down beside Ariel and raises his arms towards the ceiling. And that's when he sees that the whole place is on fire. So what does Kain do, panic? nope, he doggedly goes on with the play, determined to bring the problem of the fire to Anamae later on.)
Kain: O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.
(Kain's eyes seem to grow heavy, and his breath coming shorter and shorter. Making a gurgling sound in the back of his throat that could only be a death keel, the Emperor of Nosgoth 'dies'. The fan girls weep, the people who liked Kain cry out in rage, and the people who hated Kain leap for joy.)
All the people against Kain: YESSSSSSSS!!!! He's dead, dead! Bwahahahahahahah!
(They are silenced by all the pro-Kain fans attacking them and ... Let's put it as most of the bodies were never found.)
(Rahab quickly comes running onstage, holding a lantern and spade, still covered in his bloody clothing. He sees the crypt door open and his eyes grow wide.)
Rahab: Someone got here before me! Damn it, now nothing will work out! Saint Francis be my speed! how oft to-night Have my old feet stumbled at graves! Who's there?
(Balthasar comes back onstage, looking worried)
Balthasar: The place is on fire...
Rahab: What? *looks up* Oh MY GOD! The theatre house is on fire! Don't panic, I'll continue with the scene and you get the directress working on getting it under control!
Balthasar: Ye gods, man, this fire is out of control! *runs offstage*
(Rahab quickly dropped his props, went into the crypt and shook Ariel awake. The ghost looked up, saw the fire, immediately began to scream and almost went off-stage, but thanks to Rahab somehow holding her down and telling her to complete the script while the fire problem was being taken care of, she stayed.)
Ariel: O comfortable friar! where is my lord? I do remember well where I should be, And there I am. Where is my Romeo? *sees Kain beside her* What's here? a cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end: O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop To help me after? I will kiss thy lips; Haply some poison yet doth hang on them, To make die with a restorative. *kisses Kain's lips, which makes the vampire lord's lips quirk up in a smile - and which made Nupraptor insanely mad* Thy lips are warm. *sees the Soul Reaver* This is thy sheath *stabs herself* There rust, and let me die.
(And Ariel then died as well. Which is weird because she was already dead and from a knife wound but it didn't matter. Backstage Balthasar had managed to point out to everyone that there was a fire happening above them, that the theatre house could give in any moment. And do you know what they all did? Once again in the good old Nosgoth thinking of 'Never consider what could happen' they wanted to finish the play before running away. Umah stood beside Anamae, who was calmly sipping more alcohol and trying to convince her to do something.)
Umah: Do something.
Anamae: *sips* no.
Umah: Why not?
Anamae: No longer give a damn.
Umah: You'll lose money.
Anamae: *smashes the vodka glass* WHAT?! *sees the fire above, then the actors huddled nearby* The play will finish!
(Shoving them all onstage, not caring anymore for continuity or the likes, and damn what the critics would think, the audience thought they saw more people onstage but because of the smoke growing thicker and thicker, they couldn't be certain.)
Anamae: *yelling drunkenly* Finish the *hic* play! Do the short, short, short version!
Turel: But I lose my parts!
Anamae: Awsh, you get the last line!
Vorador: *as Montague* My son, dead! *as Capulet* My daughter, dead again!
Melchiah: Oh what has happened?!
Rahab: Looks like a love suicide!
(Everyone jumps out of the way as a piece of timber falls down from above with a little Fire Demon cackling like crazy on it.)
Umah: Hey, Paris is dead! *points to Malek's body*
Melchiah: Why did my daughter die?!
(Fire begins to spread across the stage)
Vorador: *as Capulet* She loved Montague's son so. We should never have parted them!
Umah: Let our house have peace now!
(Everyone's voice goes insanely high as they try to combat the fear of the fire. Now the audience is beginning to believe that this might not be part of the play. Already some are running for the doors, but finding them locked, are trying the windows to get out.)
Turel: Yes, let there be peace! Montague, Capulet, take hands!
(Everyone looks to Vorador, who in the middle of a costume change, stares dumbly at the cast and then joins both his hands together. It seems to work well enough, and no one cares anymore to complain about it.)
Turel: Shake.
(Vorador shakes his hands.)
Rahab: Too many people have died over this feud that started when one person's cat fought with the other one, which resulted in the death of the beloved canary named Chika, who didn't even get her own gravestone!
Turel: *inhales deeply for his final lines...coughs on the fumes...then speaks* A glooming peace this morning with it brings; The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head: Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things; Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished: For never was a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
Anamae: AND THE PLAY IS DONE! *the whole theatre house begins to really go up in flames* EVERYONE FOR THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flying monkey: *soars through a window and chatters angrily then flies away*
(Disregard that.)
Suzu: That smoke is getting thicker...
Dumahim vampire: Smells like teen spirit - like the teen I ate before coming here! *everyone groans at the bad comedy*
Sarafan: Shut up! *chucks a brick at the vampire, knocking him out*
And all the people cheered.
Dejoule: It does seem smoky...Bane, are you doing that narcotic again?
Bane: How dare you accuse me of such a thing?! I've been off of it for over three days now. And I'm getting the jitters. *gets shaky* I need a high...I need a high...
Mortanius: Bane, stop that! *thwacks him over the head* There are children here too! No one needs to see you like this. And besides, the smoke doesn't smell like the same stuff you usually have.
Nupraptor: Yeah, it smells like a fire that it horribly out of control on the second level that no one bothered to put out because maybe the fire extinguisher wasn't repaired by the fire department because they're on strike.
(The people near Nupraptor began to get edgy because most likely he was right. He was the Guardian of the Mind, who would be able to deal with such problems and maybe they should have listened to Moebius beforehand when he was-)
Rahabim vampire: No way! We're all okay here! *turns to his friend* Pass the sunscreen. It's getting a little hot in here-
Elder God: So take off all your clothes! *everyone stares at him* What? It's a song people, a song that-oh fine, and never mind. Stop looking at me like that! Stop looking at me!
(Everyone boo's the really bad comedy once again, then turns back to the stage as the curtains, who seem to have a wreath of fire surrounding them, are pulled back for the final scene to begin...and the end of a long, involving, hectic, insane, messed-up, retarded, too-stupid-to-understand- the-whole-plot of this play anymore.)
(Backstage)
Malek: My final cue! *looks at Kain* And your death.
Kain: But not by your hand! *brandishes the Soul Reaver* If you believe for a moment that you will kill me, then you have another thing coming.
Vorador: Yes, indeed you do. *steps out from behind a conveniently placed crate* Because I kill you.
Malek: ...guys, it's a play. I'm getting into my character here.
Kain: Must you bash on every good moment that we have?
Vorador: Seriously, I try and have some fun and people take it too far. Oh yeah, it's all fun and games until someone goes and looses a black heart and then its fricken hilarious!
(The reason this conversation had no meaning behind it at all, or in no way adds to the plot is because the smoke fumes that the actors are inhaling are effecting their minds quite a bit. Already Dumah was feeling a little light-headed and not because there wasn't a brain there...hmm, that's stretching the truth a bit too much. Raziel was wobbling around like someone had replaced his legs with jello, and the corpses of the three Benvolio's looked like they were smouldering. Did anyone do anything about this? No, because they thought it was special effects once again playing a prank or maybe it was part of the old director's script.)
Anamae: Final scene! Everyone get your butts on stage. I want this night to be over and done with right now! No foul up's or else I'll take everyone head, clean them out, plug up the eyes, ears and nose with the mouth and use them for drinking cups!
Zephon: *snaps his fingers* Sounds like a good idea.
Anamae: Can it, Nurse!
(Meanwhile, over to Janos)
(Janos was sleeping still in the pile of ropes, cords, odd bits and ends working off the concussion that had been given to him. Blearily he opened one eye, looked up, and gave a groan. It seemed like he was in hell. The Ancient could see the little Fire Demons dancing merrily away, doing their work that would certainly earn them brownie points once they got back home. And then Janos realized something monumental: The theatre house was on fire. If he didn't do something soon, then everyone would die. It was up to him to save the day!)
Janos: *gets up quickly* Everyone, the theatre house is on fire and-
(At the frantic run Janos was going at, he didn't see the cheap banana peel in his way. Taloned foot comes into contact with peel, Janos goes flying. Slo-mo for suspense. Hits his head against an iron girder. Knocks of a carefully imbalanced cement block. Hits Janos on head. Janos is *again* knocked out. On with the story and no one knowing that they might be minutes away from being tasty tatters or on FOX channel for the special 'When Theatre houses Attack!')
Anamae: *sees a rafter burning above her head* ...that's not right. *sees the roof over the stage on fire* I should do something about this. I really should. Time to take decisive action and make a difference.
(The director chucked the Shakespeare script over her shoulder, went over to the refreshment table, poured herself a cup of vodka and sipped it slowly while leaning against the table. Yes, this was a good course of action to follow.)
(Now, because the special effects crew were getting the hell from everyone else, Murrey decided to call it quits right there and then. To add insult to injury, he took the final pop that was needed for the final scene. The backdrop, which would have been a wonderful picture of a graveyard people, just try and imagine the graveyard audience please, with a tomb belonging to the Capulet, was gone and all that was left was a bare wall. At least he didn't take the grave stone slab on which Ariel rested...)
(Stands outside the crypt door)
Malek: *walking out onstage followed by a page* Give me thy torch, boy: hence, and stand aloof: Yet put it out, for I would not be seen. Under yond yew-trees lay thee all along, Holding thine ear close to the hollow ground; So shall no foot upon the churchyard tread, Being loose, unfirm, with digging up of graves, But thou shalt hear it: whistle then to me, As signal that thou hear'st something approach. Give me those flowers. Do as I bid thee, go.
Page: *to himself* I am almost afraid to stand alone Here in the churchyard; yet I will adventure. Digging up graves seems like a fun option, if my name is not Igor!
(Runs off)
Malek: Sweet flower, with flowers thy bridal bed I strew,-- O woe! thy canopy is dust and stones;-- Which with sweet water nightly I will dew, Or, wanting that, with tears distill'd by moans: The obsequies that I for thee will keep Nightly shall be to strew thy grave and weep
(The page whistles as he sees company approaching...or was he trying to hail the ice cream man outside the Theatre house who had stopped in his rounds to watch the building burn down?)
Malek: *hisses evilly* The boy gives warning something doth approach. What cursed foot wanders this way to-night, To cross my obsequies and true love's rite? What with a torch! muffle me, night, awhile
(Fades into the back of the scenery, into shadow where people can still see Malek because of his burning eyes. Dead giveaway, but the people pretend to not see him. And now Malek was beginning to feel the heat of the performance going against him.)
(Kain and Balthasar walk to the crypt with a torch, a mattock - which is something between a mat and a hammock - and look like they're about to do some breaking and entering against the law.)
Kain: Give me that mattock and the wrenching iron. Hold, take this letter; early in the morning See thou deliver it to my lord and father. Give me the light: upon thy life, I charge thee, Whate'er thou hear'st or seest, stand all aloof, And do not interrupt me in my course. Why I descend into this bed of death, Is partly to behold my lady's face; But chiefly to take thence from her dead finger A precious ring, a ring that I must use In dear employment: therefore hence, be gone: But if thou, jealous, dost return to pry In what I further shall intend to do, By heaven, I will tear thee joint by joint And strew this hungry churchyard with thy limbs: The time and my intents are savage-wild, More fierce and more inexorable far Than empty tigers or the roaring sea
Balthasar: I don't know what you're planning Romeo, but this doesn't sound like something I as a friend would allow you to do.
Kain: *gives a dead glare* Screw this up and I'll make sure you never have children.
Balthasar: ...I will be gone, sir, and not trouble you.
Kain: So shalt thou show me friendship. Take thou that: Live, and be prosperous: and farewell, good fellow.
Balthasar: *to himself* For all this same, I'll hide me hereabout: His looks I fear, and his intents I doubt.
(Walks offstage, thankful to be alive)
Kain: Thou detestable maw, thou womb of death, Gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth, Thus I enforce thy rotten jaws to open, And, in despite, I'll cram thee with more food!
(Begins to pull at the crypt door with all his strength, cursing and puffing away all the while)
Marcus: So he's going to do what now? Place food in the crypt?
Sebastian: No, you baldy. He's going to kill himself in the crypt. He's the 'food' and he'll 'cram' himself in.
Marcus: He could find his own crypt to do it in. Even we vampires don't break and enter into other tombs unless we're desperate.
Faustus: *thinks back to moving into a tomb to avoid taxes in the Slums, and having never told his friends* Ummm.........yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
(Malek, realizing that his cue has now come, steps from the shadows and draws his sword, stalking towards Kain)
Malek: This is that banish'd haughty Montague, That murder'd my love's cousin, with which grief, It is supposed, the fair creature died; And here is come to do some villanous shame To the dead bodies: I will apprehend him Stop thy unhallow'd toil, vile Montague! Can vengeance be pursued further than death? Condemned villain, I do apprehend thee: Obey, and go with me; for thou must die.
(Kain stops hammering away on the door and turns around slyly, drawing the Soul Reaver at the same moment. He has what could only be described as an evil grin on his face)
Kain: I must indeed; and therefore came I hither. Good gentle youth, tempt not a desperate man; Fly hence, and leave me: think upon these gone; Let them affright thee. I beseech thee, youth, Put not another sin upon my head, By urging me to fury: O, be gone! By heaven, I love thee better than myself; For I come hither arm'd against myself: Stay not, be gone; live, and hereafter say, A madman's mercy bade thee run away
Malek: I do defy thy conjurations, And apprehend thee for a felon here
Kain: For breaking and entering?
Malek: You're a necrophiliac!
Kain: Wilt thou provoke me? then have at thee, boy!
Malek: Boy? I'm way beyond your years!
(And with that slight provocation, the two fight! The crowd began to chant the fight song, which was similar to the Oscar Milder Weiner Song. Malek slashed out with his sword, hoping to sever Kain's spine. But blocking with the Reaver, Kain dodged away to the right, feinted and then blocked an attack from the Guardian of Conflict, and then raised the Soul Reaver high above his head for a downwards blow.)
Page: *walks in holding ice cream; remembers his lines* OH SHIT!!!!! I better go and get the watch! *runs out*
(Vorador, still high from the smoke inhalation, watched the fight and realized that if he wanted to keep his spot in Blood Omen 1 of killing Malek, should do something quickly or else face the consequences of being written out of the script for good. Quickly the old vampire rushed out onstage, knocked Malek down, and broke his neck.)
Vorador: And take that! *runs back to the wings*
Malek: *talking with, yes, a broken neck* O, I am slain! If thou be merciful, Open the tomb, lay me with Juliet.
(And he died...again. And the Sarafan began to sob dramatically at the death of such a noble paladine yak yak yak, blah blah blah, etc. fill in this space with noble words for such and such. The vampires were elated on the other hand. They started cheering and dancing, knowing that they could now walk around butt naked if they wanted to and no one would try to stop them.)
Kain: In faith, I will. Let me peruse this face. Mercutio's kinsman, noble County Paris! What said my man, when my betossed soul Did not attend him as we rode? I think He told me Paris should have married Juliet: Said he not so? or did I dream it so? Or am I mad, hearing him talk of Juliet, To think it was so? O, give me thy hand, One writ with me in sour misfortune's book! I'll bury thee in a triumphant grave; A grave? O no! a lantern, slaughter'd youth, For here lies Juliet, and her beauty makes This vault a feasting presence full of light. Death, lie thou there, by a dead man interr'd.
(Kain opened the tomb and unceremoniously drags Malek's body inside, dumping it into a corner filled with rats and dust. He looks upon the sleeping form of Ariel, who was not truly dead but that's to the mix up in the letter in Romeo's mind is pretty much gone. Ah yes, 'Juliet' was laid out stone cold in the catacombs that held the rest of her very dead, very bony and very dusty family. Flowers were placed around her, roses, tulips and one dandelion that contained a bee *focus quickly in on the bee, then zoom out, then zoom in, then out, in, out and then never come back to the bee again*)
Kain: How oft when men are at the point of death Have they been merry! which their keepers call A lightning before death: O, how may I Call this a lightning? O my love! my wife! Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath, Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty: Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks, And death's pale flag is not advanced there. Tybalt, liest thou there in thy bloody sheet? O, what more favour can I do to thee, Than with that hand that cut thy youth in twain To sunder his that was thine enemy? Forgive me, cousin! Ah, dear Juliet, Why art thou yet so fair? shall I believe That unsubstantial death is amorous, And that the lean abhorred monster keeps Thee here in dark to be his paramour? For fear of that, I still will stay with thee; And never from this palace of dim night Depart again: here, here will I remain With worms that are thy chamber-maids; O, here Will I set up my everlasting rest, And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss A dateless bargain to engrossing death! Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love!
(Kain dramatically takes out the vial of poison, uncorks it and drinks deeply. Making a face because it tastes as bitter as medicine, the vampire lies down beside Ariel and raises his arms towards the ceiling. And that's when he sees that the whole place is on fire. So what does Kain do, panic? nope, he doggedly goes on with the play, determined to bring the problem of the fire to Anamae later on.)
Kain: O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.
(Kain's eyes seem to grow heavy, and his breath coming shorter and shorter. Making a gurgling sound in the back of his throat that could only be a death keel, the Emperor of Nosgoth 'dies'. The fan girls weep, the people who liked Kain cry out in rage, and the people who hated Kain leap for joy.)
All the people against Kain: YESSSSSSSS!!!! He's dead, dead! Bwahahahahahahah!
(They are silenced by all the pro-Kain fans attacking them and ... Let's put it as most of the bodies were never found.)
(Rahab quickly comes running onstage, holding a lantern and spade, still covered in his bloody clothing. He sees the crypt door open and his eyes grow wide.)
Rahab: Someone got here before me! Damn it, now nothing will work out! Saint Francis be my speed! how oft to-night Have my old feet stumbled at graves! Who's there?
(Balthasar comes back onstage, looking worried)
Balthasar: The place is on fire...
Rahab: What? *looks up* Oh MY GOD! The theatre house is on fire! Don't panic, I'll continue with the scene and you get the directress working on getting it under control!
Balthasar: Ye gods, man, this fire is out of control! *runs offstage*
(Rahab quickly dropped his props, went into the crypt and shook Ariel awake. The ghost looked up, saw the fire, immediately began to scream and almost went off-stage, but thanks to Rahab somehow holding her down and telling her to complete the script while the fire problem was being taken care of, she stayed.)
Ariel: O comfortable friar! where is my lord? I do remember well where I should be, And there I am. Where is my Romeo? *sees Kain beside her* What's here? a cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end: O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop To help me after? I will kiss thy lips; Haply some poison yet doth hang on them, To make die with a restorative. *kisses Kain's lips, which makes the vampire lord's lips quirk up in a smile - and which made Nupraptor insanely mad* Thy lips are warm. *sees the Soul Reaver* This is thy sheath *stabs herself* There rust, and let me die.
(And Ariel then died as well. Which is weird because she was already dead and from a knife wound but it didn't matter. Backstage Balthasar had managed to point out to everyone that there was a fire happening above them, that the theatre house could give in any moment. And do you know what they all did? Once again in the good old Nosgoth thinking of 'Never consider what could happen' they wanted to finish the play before running away. Umah stood beside Anamae, who was calmly sipping more alcohol and trying to convince her to do something.)
Umah: Do something.
Anamae: *sips* no.
Umah: Why not?
Anamae: No longer give a damn.
Umah: You'll lose money.
Anamae: *smashes the vodka glass* WHAT?! *sees the fire above, then the actors huddled nearby* The play will finish!
(Shoving them all onstage, not caring anymore for continuity or the likes, and damn what the critics would think, the audience thought they saw more people onstage but because of the smoke growing thicker and thicker, they couldn't be certain.)
Anamae: *yelling drunkenly* Finish the *hic* play! Do the short, short, short version!
Turel: But I lose my parts!
Anamae: Awsh, you get the last line!
Vorador: *as Montague* My son, dead! *as Capulet* My daughter, dead again!
Melchiah: Oh what has happened?!
Rahab: Looks like a love suicide!
(Everyone jumps out of the way as a piece of timber falls down from above with a little Fire Demon cackling like crazy on it.)
Umah: Hey, Paris is dead! *points to Malek's body*
Melchiah: Why did my daughter die?!
(Fire begins to spread across the stage)
Vorador: *as Capulet* She loved Montague's son so. We should never have parted them!
Umah: Let our house have peace now!
(Everyone's voice goes insanely high as they try to combat the fear of the fire. Now the audience is beginning to believe that this might not be part of the play. Already some are running for the doors, but finding them locked, are trying the windows to get out.)
Turel: Yes, let there be peace! Montague, Capulet, take hands!
(Everyone looks to Vorador, who in the middle of a costume change, stares dumbly at the cast and then joins both his hands together. It seems to work well enough, and no one cares anymore to complain about it.)
Turel: Shake.
(Vorador shakes his hands.)
Rahab: Too many people have died over this feud that started when one person's cat fought with the other one, which resulted in the death of the beloved canary named Chika, who didn't even get her own gravestone!
Turel: *inhales deeply for his final lines...coughs on the fumes...then speaks* A glooming peace this morning with it brings; The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head: Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things; Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished: For never was a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
Anamae: AND THE PLAY IS DONE! *the whole theatre house begins to really go up in flames* EVERYONE FOR THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!