Disclaimer: First and foremost I am an ardent Harry Potter fan but I
just had to post this. Motives for this story are explained at the end.
Aspects of Harry Potter and Monty Python and the Holy Grail are within. .
.I don't own either. Below is utter insanity. . .you have been warned. .
.look forward to laughing, chuckling, giggling. . . whatever's your poison.
No one was sure where the new students came from. But it happened on a day where Harry was looking for his broom.
"Ron have you seen my broom?" Harry asked.
"No," Ron said, "but Andy the new kid was in here earlier. He claimed he was 'examining the sleeping area.'"
"Why'd you let him in?"
"He talked fancy to me!"
The revving of an engine was heard outside the castle. Running out to the grounds they saw Andy next to a wood chipper.
"What's that?" Harry asked.
"What's what?" Andy asked innocently oblivious.
"That," Ron said pointing.
"Oh just a wood chipper," Andy said brushing it aside. "So Harry, how did you get so good at stick handling?"
"Pardon?" Harry asked.
Ron nearly choked on a chocolate frog he was eating.
"What?" Harry asked.
Andy stifled a laugh.
"So?" he asked. "How'd you get so good?"
Ron said, "don't answer."
"Well, 'practice made perfect,'" Harry said.
Andy's girlfriend Sarah started laughing near the controls of the wood chipper.
A Gryffindor named Erik went by saying, "Wetard Harry" in a singsong taunting voice.
"Shut up!" Harry said with tears in his eyes.
No one noticed the broom Andy was hiding behind his back.
Andy pointed and said, "Look a flying unicorn."
"Where?" Harry and Ron asked looking.
Andy threw the broom in the wood chipper and yelled to Sarah, "throw the switch!"
"What was that?" Ron asked.
"A stick," Andy said.
"Anyway," Harry said changing the subject. "I'm looking for my broom."
"Really?" Andy said. "Is it a firebolt?"
"Yes."
"Does it have gold initials HP and a chipped handle?"
"Yes it does!" Harry said getting excited. "Have you seen it?"
"Nope," Andy said quickly, "never saw it. Never even rode one."
"Oh," Harry said sadly.
Ron looked at Andy suspiciously. "How did you know what it looked like?"
"I'm psychic."
"Really?" Harry asked.
"Yep, I predict your going to trip within this very minute."
"No way," Ron said.
"Look a skipping dragon," Andy said pointing.
Harry and Ron turned again. Andy stepped on the back of Harry's robe causing him to trip.
"How did you know?" Harry asked wide-eyed.
Ron smacked his head in frustration. "He's tricking us!"
"No I'm not," Andy said. Pointing again he said, "look a charging pig."
"I'm not falling for it," Ron said folding his arms.
Harry turned to look and started tapping Ron quickly.
"What?" Ron said turning around.
A charging pig ran over Ron and ended up dragging him across Hogwarts grounds. When Harry turned around Andy was nowhere to be found.
A student started chanting "Wetard Harry."
Harry ran screaming into Hogwarts. After hours in the headmaster's office Harry kept saying, "but there was a kid named Andy. I think he threw my broom in a wood chipper.his girlfriend threw the switch. And Ron was dragged away by a pig!" He broke into tears.
Andy dressed as the headmaster patted his shoulder. "There there," he said.
Harry ripped off the headmaster's beard and screamed, "no!"
His scream echoed throughout Hogwarts. He raised his wand, "newtaneous!"
Andy turned into a newt and was transported to a forest. Men galloping by foot with coconuts found him.
"It's a witch!" Sir Robin yelled soiling himself. "Oh no I'm moist!"
Lancelot said, "It's a talking newt sir."
"Yep, a talking newt," Andy said.
"Well that's odd," King Arthur said.
Andy blew fire out of his mouth.
"Run away!" they yelled.
Andy turned back into a human laughing quietly to himself as he found his way home.
Sarah meanwhile was wandering around Hogwarts trying to figure out how to turn off the wood chipper.
"Do you know how to turn it off?" she asked students.
She went through five students until realizing she was pressing the ON button and not the button marked OFF. She whistled innocently and walked away from the carnage.
Meanwhile Professor Snape was talking to Dumbledore. "I believe Mr. Potter has gone mad."
Harry was in a strait jacket in the dungeons. Dumbledore opened the door and said, "Harry we have a psychiatrist for you."
A man with a turban and a long beard walked in, hands clasped in front of him. Dumbledore left them alone.
"Tell me, what is wrong?" the man said
"Well," Harry said between a sob. "There was this new kid who told me there was a unicorn and there wasn't. . ."
"Did he tell you there was a dragon and a charging pig?"
Harry paused for a second. "How did you know that?"
The man lifted the beard and winked.
Harry started screaming recognizing Andy.
Dumbledore ran in, "what's wrong?"
"It's him! It's him!"
"What?"
Andy as the man in the turban said, "don't be alarmed. He's had a slight mental breakdown. He should come to my mental health facility."
"No! No!" Harry screamed.
Dumbledore said, "all right."
Harry fainted.
Snape walked up to Andy and slipped him a fifty-dollar bill whispering, "keep up the good work."
Andy left the room and did a happy dance. . . . . . . . . . after ten minutes of a happy dance everyone yelled "get on with it!"
After Harry had been taken to the facility Andy entered a large room. The Knights of the Tetrahedron Table were gathered. Their leader Erik said, "this meeting will come to order."
Mayor Masciello walked in the room. The room went silent and a cricket chirped.
"Who the hell are you?" Chris the bouncer yelled.
"I'm Mayor Masciello, the mayor of Buffalo-"
Erik yelled, "get him out of here!"
The Knights started yelling, "a freak! A freak!"
Chris hauled him out of the room and kicked him into a room playing Eminem.
"No!" he yelled. "Not modern music. No!"
Erik continued, "Andy what is the status of Wetard Harry?"
"He is in our clutches," Andy said.
Everyone chanted Wetard Harry and finished by hitting themselves with a Harry Potter book.
Later that evening Harry was struggling in a strait jacket. The Knights of the Tetrahedron Table had shaved his head and now called him Baldy Potter. Erik read hate notes that people had sent to his knights complaining about cruel and unusual punishment. The author wrote back and said the story took place in England and not the United States where the American Constitution does not hold sway.
One night the author snuck into Harry's cell.
"Who are you?" Harry asked.
"The author. Now just shut up and follow me," she said.
Giving him a wig she sent him along his way and went back to the Writing Room.
Chris ran to Erik, "that Harry kid escaped."
"He what?!" Erik exclaimed.
The Knights of the Tetrahedron table knocked on the Author's door.
"Excuse me Miss Author," Erik said knocking.
"Yes," an evil feminine voice said.
They had never seen the mysterious author. Chris broke down the door.
"I hope you're paying for that!" the author said. "And wipe your feet!"
They each obliged. The author's face was hidden under the cowl of a robe.
"Oh great author who has given us life with the power of story-" Andy began until Sarah nudged him in the ribs.
Erik however was suspicious.
"What's your name?" Erik asked.
"The author."
"Where's Wetard Harry?"
"I let him go."
"You what?!" Andy said.
The author said slowly, "I. . .let. . .him. . .go."
Erik grabbed the author and her face was revealed.
"Kristi!" they exclaimed.
"You never suspect the quiet ones," she said.
They all started attacking her until she had a heart attack.
*cue heart monitor. . .now flat line. . .now beating once more*
Of course the Knights realized their mistake and revived the author. The author picked up her pen in anger and everyone yelled, "run away! Run away!"
The End. . .or is it?
*cue evil laughter and evil music*
No worries this is the end for now. . .*cue maniacal laughing here*
Somewhat Rational Author's Note: Okay, this was written about a year ago at a friend's graduation party. I had my notebook (which I always carry around) in my purse and my friend's boyfriend Andy egged me on to write something. . .so I did. While everyone talked and the guys played volleyball I wrote this story. And we actually acted this out.yes we acted this out much to my own disbelief! (Now I know you have that image in your head) When you've got the real Andy doing a happy dance, a friend who's got Snape's voice down pat, and the insane author adding commentary you get fun insanity. So please drop me a review.don't 'run away'. *Points* Look a review button! *Clears throat and straightens, then retires to the Writing Room*
No one was sure where the new students came from. But it happened on a day where Harry was looking for his broom.
"Ron have you seen my broom?" Harry asked.
"No," Ron said, "but Andy the new kid was in here earlier. He claimed he was 'examining the sleeping area.'"
"Why'd you let him in?"
"He talked fancy to me!"
The revving of an engine was heard outside the castle. Running out to the grounds they saw Andy next to a wood chipper.
"What's that?" Harry asked.
"What's what?" Andy asked innocently oblivious.
"That," Ron said pointing.
"Oh just a wood chipper," Andy said brushing it aside. "So Harry, how did you get so good at stick handling?"
"Pardon?" Harry asked.
Ron nearly choked on a chocolate frog he was eating.
"What?" Harry asked.
Andy stifled a laugh.
"So?" he asked. "How'd you get so good?"
Ron said, "don't answer."
"Well, 'practice made perfect,'" Harry said.
Andy's girlfriend Sarah started laughing near the controls of the wood chipper.
A Gryffindor named Erik went by saying, "Wetard Harry" in a singsong taunting voice.
"Shut up!" Harry said with tears in his eyes.
No one noticed the broom Andy was hiding behind his back.
Andy pointed and said, "Look a flying unicorn."
"Where?" Harry and Ron asked looking.
Andy threw the broom in the wood chipper and yelled to Sarah, "throw the switch!"
"What was that?" Ron asked.
"A stick," Andy said.
"Anyway," Harry said changing the subject. "I'm looking for my broom."
"Really?" Andy said. "Is it a firebolt?"
"Yes."
"Does it have gold initials HP and a chipped handle?"
"Yes it does!" Harry said getting excited. "Have you seen it?"
"Nope," Andy said quickly, "never saw it. Never even rode one."
"Oh," Harry said sadly.
Ron looked at Andy suspiciously. "How did you know what it looked like?"
"I'm psychic."
"Really?" Harry asked.
"Yep, I predict your going to trip within this very minute."
"No way," Ron said.
"Look a skipping dragon," Andy said pointing.
Harry and Ron turned again. Andy stepped on the back of Harry's robe causing him to trip.
"How did you know?" Harry asked wide-eyed.
Ron smacked his head in frustration. "He's tricking us!"
"No I'm not," Andy said. Pointing again he said, "look a charging pig."
"I'm not falling for it," Ron said folding his arms.
Harry turned to look and started tapping Ron quickly.
"What?" Ron said turning around.
A charging pig ran over Ron and ended up dragging him across Hogwarts grounds. When Harry turned around Andy was nowhere to be found.
A student started chanting "Wetard Harry."
Harry ran screaming into Hogwarts. After hours in the headmaster's office Harry kept saying, "but there was a kid named Andy. I think he threw my broom in a wood chipper.his girlfriend threw the switch. And Ron was dragged away by a pig!" He broke into tears.
Andy dressed as the headmaster patted his shoulder. "There there," he said.
Harry ripped off the headmaster's beard and screamed, "no!"
His scream echoed throughout Hogwarts. He raised his wand, "newtaneous!"
Andy turned into a newt and was transported to a forest. Men galloping by foot with coconuts found him.
"It's a witch!" Sir Robin yelled soiling himself. "Oh no I'm moist!"
Lancelot said, "It's a talking newt sir."
"Yep, a talking newt," Andy said.
"Well that's odd," King Arthur said.
Andy blew fire out of his mouth.
"Run away!" they yelled.
Andy turned back into a human laughing quietly to himself as he found his way home.
Sarah meanwhile was wandering around Hogwarts trying to figure out how to turn off the wood chipper.
"Do you know how to turn it off?" she asked students.
She went through five students until realizing she was pressing the ON button and not the button marked OFF. She whistled innocently and walked away from the carnage.
Meanwhile Professor Snape was talking to Dumbledore. "I believe Mr. Potter has gone mad."
Harry was in a strait jacket in the dungeons. Dumbledore opened the door and said, "Harry we have a psychiatrist for you."
A man with a turban and a long beard walked in, hands clasped in front of him. Dumbledore left them alone.
"Tell me, what is wrong?" the man said
"Well," Harry said between a sob. "There was this new kid who told me there was a unicorn and there wasn't. . ."
"Did he tell you there was a dragon and a charging pig?"
Harry paused for a second. "How did you know that?"
The man lifted the beard and winked.
Harry started screaming recognizing Andy.
Dumbledore ran in, "what's wrong?"
"It's him! It's him!"
"What?"
Andy as the man in the turban said, "don't be alarmed. He's had a slight mental breakdown. He should come to my mental health facility."
"No! No!" Harry screamed.
Dumbledore said, "all right."
Harry fainted.
Snape walked up to Andy and slipped him a fifty-dollar bill whispering, "keep up the good work."
Andy left the room and did a happy dance. . . . . . . . . . after ten minutes of a happy dance everyone yelled "get on with it!"
After Harry had been taken to the facility Andy entered a large room. The Knights of the Tetrahedron Table were gathered. Their leader Erik said, "this meeting will come to order."
Mayor Masciello walked in the room. The room went silent and a cricket chirped.
"Who the hell are you?" Chris the bouncer yelled.
"I'm Mayor Masciello, the mayor of Buffalo-"
Erik yelled, "get him out of here!"
The Knights started yelling, "a freak! A freak!"
Chris hauled him out of the room and kicked him into a room playing Eminem.
"No!" he yelled. "Not modern music. No!"
Erik continued, "Andy what is the status of Wetard Harry?"
"He is in our clutches," Andy said.
Everyone chanted Wetard Harry and finished by hitting themselves with a Harry Potter book.
Later that evening Harry was struggling in a strait jacket. The Knights of the Tetrahedron Table had shaved his head and now called him Baldy Potter. Erik read hate notes that people had sent to his knights complaining about cruel and unusual punishment. The author wrote back and said the story took place in England and not the United States where the American Constitution does not hold sway.
One night the author snuck into Harry's cell.
"Who are you?" Harry asked.
"The author. Now just shut up and follow me," she said.
Giving him a wig she sent him along his way and went back to the Writing Room.
Chris ran to Erik, "that Harry kid escaped."
"He what?!" Erik exclaimed.
The Knights of the Tetrahedron table knocked on the Author's door.
"Excuse me Miss Author," Erik said knocking.
"Yes," an evil feminine voice said.
They had never seen the mysterious author. Chris broke down the door.
"I hope you're paying for that!" the author said. "And wipe your feet!"
They each obliged. The author's face was hidden under the cowl of a robe.
"Oh great author who has given us life with the power of story-" Andy began until Sarah nudged him in the ribs.
Erik however was suspicious.
"What's your name?" Erik asked.
"The author."
"Where's Wetard Harry?"
"I let him go."
"You what?!" Andy said.
The author said slowly, "I. . .let. . .him. . .go."
Erik grabbed the author and her face was revealed.
"Kristi!" they exclaimed.
"You never suspect the quiet ones," she said.
They all started attacking her until she had a heart attack.
*cue heart monitor. . .now flat line. . .now beating once more*
Of course the Knights realized their mistake and revived the author. The author picked up her pen in anger and everyone yelled, "run away! Run away!"
The End. . .or is it?
*cue evil laughter and evil music*
No worries this is the end for now. . .*cue maniacal laughing here*
Somewhat Rational Author's Note: Okay, this was written about a year ago at a friend's graduation party. I had my notebook (which I always carry around) in my purse and my friend's boyfriend Andy egged me on to write something. . .so I did. While everyone talked and the guys played volleyball I wrote this story. And we actually acted this out.yes we acted this out much to my own disbelief! (Now I know you have that image in your head) When you've got the real Andy doing a happy dance, a friend who's got Snape's voice down pat, and the insane author adding commentary you get fun insanity. So please drop me a review.don't 'run away'. *Points* Look a review button! *Clears throat and straightens, then retires to the Writing Room*