Author: Kristin (midnight_blue)
Summary: It would've been easier to never fall in love
Notes: This is the quick result of my post-AYNOHYEB high. It's about Sam because, quite simply, she's one of the most vulnerable and tragic and beautifully written characters I've seen on TV in a while and that scene on the bench...*sigh*...she was so lost. Well, it inspired me as to how she might be feeling. Plus, that pic in TVG for "Fallout" this week...eeeeeeee...I'm so excited. Poor Sam.
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She doesn't sleep anymore. Her eyes sting and bleed as the sun scrapes at the window. She doesn't want to move, to feel. It hurts to breathe.
She remembers when it used to be easy, pushing herself into a consciousness that came with the prospect of saving someone, helping someone, looming ahead of her. Now there's nothing. Her life feels cold and empty, and lonely; terribly lonely.
She moves her hand to switch on the lamp in the twilight, thinking of him; always thinking of him. Yesterday he lied to her. He sat there on that bench and smiled and caressed her and made her want him; then he broke her.
She wants to believe he lied, but there's no hope left in her. Her future is dark and bleak and she clings to one constant: work. It's her only salvation and she knows when she walks in there today, it will still be there. It always will be.
But he won't.
Maybe it's time to get used to that, she thinks.
Moving from underneath her covers, she escapes her prison. If she doesn't get up now, she never will.
Without realizing it, she runs her fingers over her lips, remembering him again. It's too much to bear. She glances at her ghost in the mirror, wondering when it was she aged a lifetime.
It's hard to pretend she won't see him today, she won't need him today, she won't love him today. It's hard, but then again, life always is.
She pulls on her blouse, slipping each button through its hole mechanically, automatically, drifting to a memory of him undoing those same buttons on a night she'd promised herself to never fall in love.
Well, nothing lasts forever, she supposes. Especially half-hearted promises whispered to the darkness that never answers back.
It would've been easier to never fall in love. Yes, so much easier. But...she would've been incomplete, she knows, no matter how wrong it was or is. She's more with him and less without him and there will always be a void where his broken promises scar her heart.
It begins to rain and she studies the droplets as they pound her window, growing increasingly bigger and more plentiful with each second. It's fitting, somehow, and she welcomes it.
The clock tells her it's almost time to leave. Her heart tells it never will be because he won't be waiting anymore.
She studies her pain, lingering on her faults, her mistakes, her regrets; too many to bear. Too many sins. Too much death in a life so young.
Too much darkness.
She throws her wishes to the rain, moving her shaky, pale hand against the glass.
It's time to leave, to go to work, to save a lost soul.
She pulls on her coat, throwing her hair into a messy ponytail, and pulling the hood over her face, prepared, but not ready -- never ready -- to face a world she doesn't know anymore.
She knows today she'll fight and struggle for someone she doesn't know and hope they get home to someone who wants them.
She needs it, more than ever; needs to save a life, any life, if only for the simple fact that hers is no longer worth it. Perhaps time will change that, perhaps new loves will drift into her reality. But not better ones. No, Jack was her great love. Everyone else will simply be...there.
Perhaps some things happen for a reason. Perhaps Jack lied like she only hopes he did. Perhaps tomorrow or next week or next month will bring a hope she no longer has. She can only wonder as she steps outside, bringing the coat tighter to her body and shutting her eyes against the dim light. Perhaps there's still love lurking even where it seems not to be, and perhaps, sooner than she thinks, it will come to her and save her from a life she no longer wants.
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FIN
Well, very angsty, I know. But I'm drifting between a post-AYNOHYEB high and slight paranoia. Although, Dev has talked me down, thank you very much, and I'm going on the belief, that "Yeah, it's over" quite simply means, "Hell no, it's not over!"
I don't think it's over simply because they've gone to too much trouble to bring this 'ship to the forefront. It would've been far more simpler to go with various other storylines, but they didn't. I can only hope that this will fully be addressed this week when Sam is...well, you know.
I think "Fallout"...the title is VERY telling. Yep. I'm crossing my fingers. Seriously, if they give me reason to believe there could be more to this 'ship and that Jack won't go back with Marie at the end of "Fallout Part II", I will very likely set up a www.jackandsamantha.com. What do you think?
*sigh* I really needed to spout. Anyway...what do you all think? You can e-mail me at: autumn_rain86@hotmail.com. Seriously, I need to vent. LOL...btw, what did you think of my fic?