Grey Eyes And Golden Nightmares

Chapter 6

Inuyasha had never felt the levels of anger he was experiencing now.

He was as still as a statue, looking down at Miroku without the slightest hint of an expression on his face. His eyes were another story, cold and darkly furious as he watched a single bead of sweat trail down the pinned monk's forehead.

Miroku forced himself to swallow, keeping his eyes on the hanyou above him rather than give into the instinctive urge to turn his gaze to the clawed fist that had been slammed to the ground. So close to his face that he could feel a sharp twinge along his cheek. It was disconcerting to feel the blood trickle back towards his hairline, admitting to himself that he hadn't seen the hanyou move until he was hearing the crack of soil bare centimeters away from his ear.

Inuyasha finally broke the suffocating quiet, the growl almost inaudible, but deadly just the same, "I didn't kill you the first time you tried to steal her from me… that first time you attacked and stole our shards.

"I didn't even kill you when you touched her inappropriately, or when she told me she loved you," his lips drew back in a sneer. She said she was kidding then… how the fuck did this happen?! "Because she would have been upset…

"It has become painfully clear to me that I should have gone with my own instincts to rip out your fucking perverted heart and shoved it down your throat," his eyes sparked scarlet. "Kagome would have recovered eventually... and you would have never had the opportunity to do anything with her."

"Kagome hates killing," Miroku dared to interject, wondering even as the words left his mouth if they were going to be his last.

"She's done more than enough of her own killing," he snarled back, leaning down closer. "Kagome understands when it's necessary, bouzu; Kohaku's a perfect example of that. He was someone none of us thought she would ever be capable of killing, but she did it to protect her family… herself."

Now the monk's own expression darkened, "You have no right to talk about what happened before, Inuyasha. You have no idea how much that fucking eats her up inside where she won't let anyone else see."

"But she would do it again," Inuyasha moved his fist from beside Miroku's head to close over his throat, restraining his urge to crush the delicate flesh under his palm with obvious effort. "Kagome is a survivor… a fighter, just as much as the rest of us are even if we didn't want to see it before she was attacked in her home. And if you ever, ever suggest that I have 'no right' where that bitch is concerned, bouzu, I am not going to be responsible for my reaction."

Miroku was dying to attack that arrogant remark, but he was well aware that this was the last position to be in for that kind of argument, "She's changed, Inuyasha. If you weren't so wrapped up in yourself, you would have seen the same things in her that I have… you would have known she needed help."

"I let you teach her how to fight," Inuyasha's growl was gaining volume, his muscles twitching as his temper burned hotter with every damning word out of the monk's mouth. "You were supposed to teach her to defend herself the human way, not get fucking infatuated with her."

"I am not infatuated with Kagome," Miroku denied defensively, gripping the hanyou's hand and trying to take pressure off his throat. "We are friends, Inuyasha. Close friends."

"Do you think I can't smell what you're thinking when you look at her? Since I watched you kiss her that's all I've been able to focus on, the way you smell whenever I catch your eyes on her," Inuyasha brought his knee onto the monk's stomach, digging into the muscle with his weight to see his expression twist with discomfort. "Close friends don't fucking kiss, and they sure as hell don't get hard thinking about it."

Miroku set his jaw, but there was something in the hanyou's tone that –to his absolute horror- had the blood rushing to his face, "I told you, it's none of your business what we do. We're adults, Inuyasha; we don't need your approval."

"If I smell you inside Kagome, you're never going to get the chance to father any offspring, you fucking bastard," his hackles spiked immediately, fangs fully bared and eyes darkening to brutal red.

He hated to say it… hated it because he knew it sounded like a defense, an excuse to get him out of harm's way, but it was the truth, "Kagome is still very much a virgin. It would not have been appropriate for us to do such a thing now."

Inuyasha fell silent again, his eyes narrowing suspiciously as they searched Miroku's face for any hint of deception before he seemed to find what he was looking for. He was one his feet again, dragging the monk upwards by the throat and shoving him up against a tree yet again. "You've touched her for the last time, bouzu. I'm watching you now, and if I see so much as a longing look, or that fucking hand make one move towards her, one, I'll break you."

"You a damn hypocrite, Inuyasha," Miroku's brows lowered angrily. "Kagome can't have you, but she can't have anyone else either? You won't be happy until you have Kagome adoring you. All while you pine away for a dead woman you've put so high on a pedestal in your head that Kagome can't help but fall short, and I doubt even Kikyou herself could live up to it if she was still living."

This time Miroku managed to jerk his head to one side as the hanyou's fist slammed into the wood, splitting the tree under the force of that punch. "If you were anyone else, bouzu, you would already be dead for that," Inuyasha's eyes speared into his, unblinking and enraged.

"Kagome talks to me," he retorted quietly, his own body taut as he stayed on alert for more of the hanyou's outbursts. "She openly admits to me what she's afraid to say to you. What she's afraid of having to live up to in your eyes just to get you to acknowledge that she's good enough to be in your esteemed company."

"Kagome doesn't have to fucking 'live up' to anything," he insisted furiously. "I don't want her to be Kikyou."

"I'm not the one you need to convince," Miroku smiled coldly, oddly satisfied at being able to finally shove this in the selfish hanyou's face. "And how are you going to make Kagome understand that when you won't even look her in the eyes? You think she doesn't notice that shit? That it doesn't hurt her to think you can't stand the sight of her face now that she has that scar?"

Inuyasha's eyes widened, then just as abruptly narrowed as he snarled, "You know!! You fucking know why I can't look at the scar! I wasn't fucking THERE! ...And I should have been… If her magic hadn't broken open like that…"

"Why haven't you told her?" Miroku repeated slowly, starting to relax as he felt some of the deadly tension easing out of the hanyou with their change of focus. "I've seen you ripping trees apart when you're remembering, Inuyasha, but has she? And if she has, do you ever tell her why? All she knows is that you don't look at her."

Inuyasha abruptly released him, backing away as his gaze smoothed back to gold and turned introspective, "She has every right to hate me for failing her. I was a fool… I should have known Naraku would do something like that! I should have known that she wouldn't be safe."

Miroku took a deep breath, biting his lip as he reached out and lightly set his hand on Inuyasha's shoulder, "You have to talk to her, Inuyasha. If you want her to…" he broke off and let out a weary sigh, So I really will end up alone…. "She loves you."

He turned to look at Miroku, his body tensing and expression wavering with affronted anger as he watched for any sign of pity. When the monk's expression stayed mild, stoic, he relaxed slightly and looked off into the woods before he growled out with poorly concealed hurt, "She kissed you."

"Inuyasha… Kagome and I offer each other comfort," he explained with quiet patience, his eyes dropping to the grass beneath his feet rather than the hanyou in front of him. This is the way it should be… Kagome belongs with Inuyasha and I am…I… "You have never tried to kiss her," he reminded him.

Inuyasha was silent for a long time, folding his hands up into his sleeves as he fought with his own guilty conscious before demanding in a flat voice, "When?"

Miroku didn't pretend to misunderstand, but instead glossed over the incident neither he nor Kagome had spoken to the others about, "About a year after the well was sealed. You were not the only one who had troubles sleeping at night."

Inuyasha flinched at that, his ears flattening back, "Kagome can't sleep?"

"She has nightmares," he admitted after a moment's hesitation. I'm sorry, Kagome… it's high time the others know what you go through at night. "She wakes up… every night after midnight. And she's cold, Inuyasha… she's always so cold…"

Inuyasha turned to look at him, his brows drawing down low in concerned disbelief, "What? How long has this been fucking going on?!"

Miroku sighed heavily, stepping back to lean against the same tree Inuyasha had held him pinned to only a moment ago, "Since the well."

Inuyasha gaped at him, blinking silently for a moment before that dangerous growl started all over again, and he turned to face the monk completely, "Since the well? Since the fucking well?! Why hasn't she said something to anyone else? To me! She never said anything before I left for the night!"

"She is… embarrassed by them," he offered for lack of a better way to describe Kagome's hesitation. "But they have been growing worse, changing… She refuses to speak of them, but when she wakes her eyes are empty and her aura is… unhealthy."

Inuyasha looked stunned... actually, stunned wasn't quite the word Miroku would have used to describe the look that crossed the hanyou's face, but it was the closest comparison his mind could tag to it quickly. Immediately following that, however, came the return of fury, "And you didn't think that was worth fucking mentioning?!"

"Kagome asked me not to say anything," Miroku explained, obviously uncomfortable with his confession.

"Fuck that!" Inuyasha spat, stalking close and fisting a hand in Miroku's robes and yanked him up to be absolutely certain their eyes were locked. "If you're saying it's making her aura unhealthy you should have come to me right away!"

"She believes it would make her an obligation to speak her dreams out loud," Miroku stayed calm through the hanyou's anger this time, knowing deep down it was made easier to appear unaffected by the odd emptiness crawling through his soul. He knew this altercation was bringing an end to everything he had shared with the miko over the past years, and he reverted to his bland external appearance to hide the hurt that realization caused, automatically gripping the wrist holding him on his toes. "Kagome has trouble believing we see her as an equal, Inuyasha. She has grown, but there is still a part of her that cannot let go of the girl she once was. She retains her doubts the same way she retains her guilt, no matter how many times we reassure her, or she proves to be an asset."

"Kagome's no obligation," Inuyasha dropped him for the second time in favor of prowling impatiently back and forth. It galled him to stay, to continue prodding the man he still wanted to rip apart, but he needed this information. Unfortunately, circumstances had changed… now it was Miroku who knew her best.

"Do you have any idea of the woman Kagome has become?" Miroku queried, unaware that he'd almost completely summed up Inuyasha's own thoughts. "You can't run away from your own guilt and come back to find everything the same. She grew up while you were "gone," Inuyasha…"

And ran to you, he wanted to snip back, but bit his lip to refrain from reminding the monk of his relationship with Kagome. He felt a renewed wave of jealousy, averting his face to keep Miroku from seeing how it hardened his eyes, "Your scent has been stronger on her… I thought it was just that I was gone at night, but you've been touching her, haven't you?"

"It's the only thing that seems to calm her," the monk looked back in the direction of camp, only a faint hint of a frown giving away his inner turmoil. "I hold her in my lap; to warm her, let her know she's safe."

Inuyasha stood silently yet again, his eyes shifting in response to the rapid fire thoughts chasing through his head before he finally broke their mutual introspection, "Go to sleep, bouzu. She won't need you tonight."

Miroku closed his eyes, that part of him that was filling with regret at losing that source of comfort that had been so constant growing even stronger. Yet he nodded respectfully to the hanyou and pushed away from the tree to start back towards camp, "She will wake soon. Be careful that you do not startle her… she is always disoriented, and she will know the arms around her aren't mine."

Inuyasha bit back a growl, sending Miroku a cold glare, "Kagome isn't afraid of me, Miroku, and she'll never mistake me for you."

Miroku ignored the almost uncertain fear beneath that insistence, tightening his hand on his staff as he continued in his direction, "She never has."

~

Kagome jolted awake, reflexively curling into a tight ball with her hand clenched over her heart as she panted hard and tried to reorient herself. Just another nightmare…she silently chanted to herself, taking comfort in the tangible feel of her scar beneath her shaking fingers. Her heart was still where it was supposed to be, the numbness in her body dim under the aching coldness, and her eyes still brining her a tiny splash of color through the widening grey haze…

She forced herself to breathe, deep and slow the way Miroku insisted on whenever he was coaching her through her panic. Her breath caught, brows furrowing in confusion when that thought actually processed and made her aware of what was missing, "Miroku… Miro-?"

She broke off, going perfectly still when she felt arms wrap around her from behind, her eyes widening and gasp caught in her throat, This isn't-?!

"You should have told me, Kagome," Inuyasha's quiet whisper at her ear had her heart lurching abruptly, nearly stopping at the shock before she whipped around to gape at the hanyou in disbelief.

"I-Inu…yasha?" Kagome's voice very nearly failed her, unthinkingly lifting a hand to brush his cheek as though reassuring herself he was real.

Inuyasha's ears flattened back, his heart clenching painfully at the tone in her voice as he carefully wrapped his arms around her to pull her more securely into his embrace. He hadn't realized how literal Miroku had been until he felt her skin, the deep, deathly chill that permeated her body from head to toe and changed her eyes to flat, dull grey, "Why did you hide this from me?"

Kagome stayed stiff against him for another long moment before her eyes squeezed shut, her in-held breath rushing out shakily as she slumped bonelessly against his chest. It wasn't a motion of relaxation, rather just the complete release that would come from pure exhaustion, from a body too tired of holding itself taut for so very long. Inuyasha lifted a hand to the back of her head, rocking instinctively as she shuddered and tried to tuck into a little ball again, her fingers twisting over his heart and pulling at his haori as though she would climb inside if given half the chance.

He tried to stifle his elation at her actions, especially given the gravity of the situation, but something inside him just couldn't help but love this. Kagome had known instantly that he wasn't Miroku, and she hadn't been afraid of him –surprised yes, but not afraid. However, she was wrapped up so tightly in his arms, it was possible that someone looking at them would miss her completely. With her clinging to him so fiercely, it was easy to pretend it was all for him. Easy to pretend that she would only let go so completely in his arms and forget all he'd seen and heard from Miroku.

His chin dropped on her head, curling his legs around her to tug her even more securely into his chest in an effort to warm her icy skin, "It's okay, Kagome, I'm right here. Nothing's going to hurt you when I'm here."

Kagome's body was starting to warm, her shivers slowly subsiding as he held her and murmured comfortingly in her ear. She was almost afraid to speak, loath to possibly ruin the peace of being in Inuyasha's arms, but reality was beginning to sink in, and with it came the questions, "What happened? Why are you back so early?"

Inuyasha let out a heavy sigh, pressing his cheek against hers, "I didn't leave."

Her eyes opened, confused as she pulled back to look at him, "But… you always…"

He kept his eyes on hers, Miroku's accusation about his inability to look at her, and her misunderstanding of why still in the front of his mind. But he was unable to stop the guilty sadness that filled his expression when his eyes traced the scar almost of their own volition, "I never would have left you alone to deal with this, Kagome. You shouldn't have kept this secret."

Kagome's shoulders hunched self-consciously, but she couldn't tear her eyes off his, transfixed by the emotions chasing over the vivid gold of his own eyes… the only vibrant color she had seen in three years. Her voice was a quiet murmur as she defended her actions, "They're only dreams, Inuyasha."

"Do you have any idea how cold you are?" he frowned at her in disapproval, his hands clenching where he held her. "This isn't just dreams… Not when you wake up like this."

She shivered, leaning up to slide her arms around his neck and fit her chest to his, "It goes away."

Inuyasha sighed, shifting his weight back to brace himself against the tree behind him, "That doesn't make it all right."

Kagome trailed one hand down, pressing it to his heart shakily and reassuring herself with that steady beat beneath her palm, "Can… can we not talk about this? I just… want to be like this… and hope it's not a dream."

His eyes clenched shut painfully at that hesitant, pleading whisper, dropping his chin to rest on her shoulder, She wouldn't be thinking that if it was Miroku… "I'm not a dream, Kagome."

She laughed softly, "You don't know that. And I can't tell anymore."

"What do you mean you can't tell?" Inuyasha was back to frowning, turning his head to murmur quietly in her ear.

"They're… always so real," Kagome closed her eyes again as she felt his warmth seep deep into her soul, soothing her heart from its frantic pace and bringing her a sense of peace that she'd nearly forgotten existed. "I can't tell if I'm awake or asleep until I wake up. Sometimes not even then."

He folded his legs into a cradle around her, setting his jaw to keep from snarling out a demand for clarification at that insufficient answer, but unable to fully prevent the way his body tensed, "How long has it been like that?"

"A few years, I don't know," she shifted until she had urged his head up enough that she could tuck her own underneath it. If this is a dream… The hell with it, I'm not asking questions, I just… I've wanted to feel this for so long.

Inuyasha hadn't realized that something so little, or that seemingly innocent could have made his heart ache quite so much. But Kagome's natural search for comfort and reassurance had every last one of his protective instincts coming to the forefront of his mind and making him agonizingly aware of just how severe his mistake had been, How could she possibly think she should have done this alone? Doesn't she have any idea how dangerous it is for her to feel like this?

"Inuyasha?" Kagome whispered tentatively.

"Hn?"

"Can… can we not talk anymore tonight?" her voice was almost too quiet to be heard… shy, uncertain. "I just… will you stay?"

Inuyasha felt his chest expand with his pleasure at that request, sliding one hand around to cup her chin and tilt her face up as he moved back, "You want me to stay?"

Her cheeks darkened, and she bit her lip, "You don't have to. I understand if you need to do something-"

Kagome cut off with a gasp of shock when Inuyasha dipped his head and closed his mouth over hers, her arms tightening around his neck in pure reflex. As the shock faded, his lips parted hers to delve deeper and her body softened, practically melting to fit against his. When he finally leaned back, she felt her eyes sting with tears and kept them tightly closed in an effort to hide it from him, "Now I know I'm still dreaming."

Inuyasha cupped her cheek in his hand, sliding his thumb over the scar, "Then let me make it a good one, Kagome."