It was half a bottle of rice wine -- half a bottle to imbibe and warm a body, clear and slow inside the green glass, half a bottle of bland ricey taste, to nauseate and relax a reticent conscience -- it was half a bottle of rice wine, and only half a bottle of rice wine, that kept him still while he waited.
A great deal of him wanted to leave, but after half a bottle of rice wine, he was far too mellow to really give a shit. It was half a bottle on an empty stomach, so it acted quickly on him.
He just stood at the window, looking out. Tachi could see his reflection in the window: droopy eyes, a rounded face and black ratty hair, garnished by a nearly metallic club shirt and black pants. Tachi was relaxed, not drunk. Tachi was not drunk, mostly because he was a little afraid to be drunk. Tachi wasn't sure if he could trust his drunk self around Ma-kun. But he needed the alcohol to be calm, even though he couldn't stop pacing and wringing his hands. He was nervous, but at least the alcohol calmed him a little. He didn't know what was going to happen, what judgments would be passed.
He touched the drapes, and leaned close to the window until the cool glass touched his forehead, and stared out to the asphalt of the road. He was waiting for a taxi, a motorcycle, an elephant -- how would Ma-kun arrive, anyways?
A taxi, of course. The yellow cab pulled up to the front of the hotel, and Ma-kun stepped out and looked around the 'C' shaped motel complex. Tachi watched him but didn't wave. After a moment, Ma-kun oriented himself, and tracked the numbers on the door until his eyes landed on the room Tachi was in.
The taxi pulled away.
Ma-kun started to walk towards him.
Tachi closed his eyes for a moment, and breathed. He couldn't tell himself that everything would be alright, but he was at least able to tell himself it would all be over soon. He wished he was wearing something less flashy. He wished he hadn't had any alcohol at all. He wished that his pride had stayed true long enough to last through Ma-kun's persistent phone calls.
When Ma-kun reached the door, there was a pause on both sides, for both of them to collect themselves. And then the doorknob partially turned, and was stopped by the lock. And then there was a careful knock at the door.
Tachi didn't allow himself time to think, he went to the door and opened it. He didn't look up to meet Ma-kun's eyes. His eyes focused for a moment on Ma-kun's white and black wingtip shoes. And then Ma-kun took the two steps forward into the small hotel room, and put his arms around Tachi before either of them could shut the door.
It was too warm.
But Tachi didn't want to let go. So he pushed Ma-kun away forcibly after a few seconds, only to be drawn back. He shut his eyes. He had to admit to himself that he was accepting a hug. Amazing how his pride evaporated in the middle of all this shit, how could he possibly accept this? Ma-kun pushed him a little away now and brushed his hair away from his face. Tachi frowned and pulled a little back, but Ma-kun's grip on his arm didn't quite loosen.
"You okay?"
It was a little funny, Tachi wanted to laugh, but he didn't. He evaded Ma-kun's eyes. "Let go of me." He was exceedingly conscious of the opened door.
"Why?"
Tachi shook his head 'no' and this time, he pushed Ma-kun away, and walked deeper into the small hotel room.
"Tired," Tachi said. He felt heavy all over, unable to focus.
"How much have you had to drink?"
Tachi shrugged. He was honestly unsure, and wasn't totally committed to caring.
Ma-kun stepped deeper into the room, looked about and took note of the made bed.
"Shut the door."
Ma-kun kicked it shut without looking.
He walked to the bottle of liquor on the floor, picked it up and examined it.
"Not much," Tachi answered belatedly. "Haven't had much to drink. Just, haven't eaten. It's making me tired. Normally I like that."
Ma-kun sighed and shook his head, "This can't be healthy."
"I've totally abandoned that notion." And he paced a small circle, wondering what to do with himself with someone else in the room. He wasn't used to it. Normally, a room like this doesn't see much conversation.
"Why don't you sit down?"
"Where?"
"The bed -?"
"No." Tachi frowned at the very thought of being on a bed with Ma-kun in the room. It made him edgy, and almost fearfully excited.
"The floor then, I hate watching people pace."
Tachi whirled in a circle almost by accident, and looked up at Ma-kun's face. His face was perfect. "Your bruises are gone."
"Yeah."
"I almost got used to them."
Ma-kun laughed, "Has anyone ever told you that you say just the shittiest things sometimes?"
"Yeah," Tachi nodded, looked away from Ma-kun again, "Lots of people."
"Come sit down. Stop evading the issue."
"What issue?"
"Sit."
And so Tachi did. He sat with his back braced against the wall, while Ma-kun sat with his braced against the bed. The space between the two was short, and the carpet was nubby and brown. Tachi picked at it.
"All the way over there?"
"I'm not that far away." And he kept his eyes down. He hated looking directly at Ma-kun. Every time he did he felt self-conscious.
"Well, I'd rather you were closer."
"Why?"
"Just because."
"Oh." Tachi rested his chin on his knees and kept picking at the carpet.
"... you know why we can't keep you."
"Why do you think that's the issue? I said you should ditch me. I told you I'd ditch you if I were given the same choice. That's a fucking sanction if you ask me."
"You always say shit you don't mean."
"...whatever." He didn't want to think about anything right at that moment, the liquor was traveling through his limbs and gently numbing his emotions. He wasn't even sure why he allowed Ma-kun to come over.
"Tachi..." Ma-kun's voice was coaxing and careful.
"Yeah?"
"Come here." And a hand wrapped around his ankle, and tugged at him. "Sit by me."
"Why?"
"Why not?" The hand tugged again. "Come on, sit by me."
"You want to sit with me so bad, you come over here."
"No."
Tachi shrugged, an implied 'whatever' in his shoulders.
"...Tachi..." And he felt his leg dragged from crooked to straight, so that his foot was nearer to Ma-kun, shoe and all.
"What?"
"Come, here."
"Why do I have to go over by you?"
"Because, I want you to come to me, for a change."
"Heh," Tachi looked to the wall. "What's that mean?"
"Come on."
Tachi frowned a bit, looked cautiously up at Ma-kun -- he didn't trust himself to look up completely, he felt for some reason there was something in his face that betrayed him when he looked into Ma-kun's face. Ma-kun smiled at him. Tachi sighed, dragged himself up, turned himself around, and sat down next to Ma-kun, who immediately put his arm around Tachi's shoulders and shook him a bit.
"See?" Lips near Tachi's ear, "Not so bad, is it?"
Tachi shook his head, 'no', and felt Ma-kun's lips grow nearer and farther away with each motion of his head. It made his face hot. He still didn't want to look Ma-kun in the eye.
He decided, on his own, that he felt humiliated.
"Tachi?" Ma-kun's voice was a great deal softer now, with Tachi so close.
"Hn?"
"You know we can't keep you." Ma-kun was whispering in his ear. "You know that."
Tachi nodded 'yes'. The world felt beyond argument.
"But I don't want to lose you, okay? I don't want to lose you because of something like this."
"Something like this?" Tachi smiled, closed his eyes, and hung his head, "Something like this. I love the fucking band, I'd do anything for it."
"I think that's a demonstrated fact. You did too much."
Sickness invaded his head, he felt as though he were breathing in pure steam. The air was thick and grotesque; he tried to push Ma-kun away.
"Stop that." Ma-kun said sharply, "don't push me away now. This is important."
Tachi frowned and dropped his eyes, this time in an act of denial, he could feel Ma-kun wanting eye contact. He wasn't going to give it.
"You pout too much." Ma-kun chastised, "Damn it, Tachi. You are not the victim here. This isn't some random act specifically against you. There is absolutely nothing random about it."
"I'm getting what I deserve." Tachi agreed.
And then they both stopped talking.
They both continued to sit on the floor in silence for some number of minutes. Ma-kun didn't remove his arm from Tachi's shoulders. Tachi was too apathetic to push his arm away. The bed pressed into Tachi's spine in two places. He could feel the static in the air, it made his shirt cling to his arms. Ma-kun's body was making him almost too warm in the hotel room, and just when he thought to himself that he was uncomfortable enough to push Ma-kun away, Ma-kun put both his arms around Tachi and pulled him close for another hug.
"I wish there was something I could say." Ma-kun said into his ear again. "Or do. I don't know, Tachi. God, you just make me want to take care of you."
For some reason that made Tachi hurt, so he tried to ignore it. He let out a hoarse, single laugh that sounded completely inappropriate, "I'm not broken."
"Yeah you are."
And Tachi couldn't come up with a retort. And Tachi didn't want to pull away. It felt too good to pull away. He swallowed around a tightness in his throat, and made himself put his arms around Ma-kun. They both sighed in turn, and stayed that way. It didn't fix anything, but for a moment they didn't care. After a while, Ma-kun started to lightly stroke his hair, petting him. It didn't occur to him to object. He hadn't had anyone touch him like this in a long time. He couldn't even remember the last time he had anything similar. Maybe when he was a child, and his mother was kind to him. Maybe his first girlfriend -- no, definitely not her. Maybe not even his mother. But it was so kind, and it was so warm, and he needed it so badly... he wasn't entirely certain he cared. It just felt good. Comforting. And that was really enough for the moment. A moment, and that's it. He couldn't really expect anything more than that. When he reminded himself that he shouldn't, his soul ached. Not for long, because he wouldn't allow it, but just enough for him to tighten his arms a little around Ma-kun, just enough for him to cling for a few seconds.
And maybe that was when Ma-kun misconstrued it, because Ma-kun smoothly pushed him away at that moment, and tilted Tachi's face so that they made eye contact. Ma-kun had blue eyes. It felt perfectly natural, perfectly suited for the moment. They kissed.
Very gentle, very tender, very present, and difficult to ignore and block. Tachi wasn't even aware that he was supposed to for a second. He felt a warm slat of sunlight against his face, streaming in from the small window. He felt the uncomfortable press of the bed and the carpet against his body. He felt the light, soft presence of Ma-kun's lips against his own.
And then he realized what they were doing, and shoved Ma-kun away, felt his whole face grow incredibly hot. He couldn't breathe right, "Don't do that." He stood up and walked to the window, squinted at the light. And he went and sat on the bed for a moment, stood up immediately after that when he realized it was the bed, sat back down again when he realized it was the only place to sit aside from the floor. Then he decided the floor was a better place to sit than the bed was -- a safer place, anyways -- and slid off the bed onto the floor, about two feet away from where he'd been sitting previously. He wrapped his arms around his knees and shut his eyes to avoid having to see Ma-kun's face.
He was embarrassed.
Ma-kun laughed for just a moment, and crawled the two feet towards Tachi, and kissed the top of his head. "God, Tachi -- don't act cute, it kills me every time."
"Oh, fuck you." Tachi snapped, offended.
"I'm sorry, but that was."
"Stop it." And tossed a look up to Ma-kun that should have been growling. But Ma-kun laughed at him and then shook his head. Ma-kun tried to wrap his arms around Tachi one more time. Tachi frowned and pushed away Ma-kun's arms, so the two of them flailed at each other for a moment, before Ma-kun caught one of Tachi's hands and squeezed it, and gently instructed him to quit acting like a child. "Why are you so touchy, anyways?" Tachi frowned at him again, a crease between his black eyebrows.
"I like touching you."
"You never did before."
"Yeah, I did. I just didn't because you hated it so much."
"So why the fuck isn't that saving me right now?"
"Because now I know you don't really hate it."
"Well, how do you know?" Tachi demanded of him, indignant.
"I don't know, Tachi, what do you think?"
"Fucking smartass."
Ma-kun smiled at the familiarity of it all, and Tachi just sat there and resented it. They both looked at each other for a while, challenging one another to see their side. Eventually, Ma-kun just laughed and Tachi just muttered and looked away, once again snubbing him.
"I'm sorry."
"You don't sound sorry."
"I don't feel sorry, either."
"Then why say it?"
"To expedite things."
"Oh." Another implied 'whatever' in his voice. His stomach was starting to feel acidic while he was jousting with Ma-kun, but he ignored it out of sheer pride.
"You know..." Ma-kun started... phased out, and then tried to restart again, "We really should, talk."
Tachi shook his head, "I don't feel like it." He just wanted rest, now. He was starting to feel tired again, and his stomach being eaten away by worry. "I'm just tired now."
"Probably hungry, too."
"No, I feel sick."
"But that's probably why --"
"Ugh." Tachi made a face of light disgust, "No, that'd make me feel even worse."
Ma-kun looked at him, tried to gauge how much of his statement was a lie, and then shrugged at him. "Your call. Tachi?"
"Un?"
"You're not going to let this get in the way of our friendship, are you?"
That could refer to any number of things by now. "You know, maybe I am hungry."
"Ta -"
"I think it'd settle my stomach." Tachi made significant eye contact, choose to drop a significant hint. "Food. Maybe eating would help. Too bad I don't have any. Just more booze."
"Well…" Ma-kun sounded unsure for a moment. "There's a McDonalds down the street a ways. It wouldn't take too long to walk there, I guess."
"Yes. Yeah. Yeah, great idea." He cringed again at how eager he sounded when he said that. "That sounds good to me. I'll take -- whatever."
"So I'm ordering for you AND paying for you."
Tachi reached for his wallet.
"No, no, no, it's alright. I'd really rather hold this over your head in the future, if you don't mind." And then Ma-kun gave Tachi his most irrepressible grin.
Tachi frowned at him.
Ma-kun grinned larger.
"Okay, it'll be a while. Lie down, sleep off some of that liquor."
"What? No. I'm checking out."
"Why? We're here already."
"It's a hotel room."
"So -?"
"Soooo..." He didn't want to be there alone with Ma-kun. "So, if I check out now, I could get my money back."
"I seriously doubt that. Besides, if you check out, then why should I walk to the McDonalds alone? If you check out you should just come with me. How would I find you if you left?"
Tachi was just trying to get rid of him now. "Alright, alright. Fine. I'm starving. Go. I won't check out."
Ma-kun nodded once at him, "Good." And he reached forwards spontaneously and ruffled Tachi's hair. "And take a shower. You look like shit."
Scowl, "Anything else?"
"I could write you a list."
"Get the fuck out."
So he did.
Tachi went back to fiddling for a bit. He sat on the bed, once the door was safely closed. He paused, and then lay down, the alcohol finally putting him right to sleep.
Ma-kun was walking down the road towards the McDonalds, mildly thoughtful. Mostly out of focus, but mildly thoughtful. He was thinking about the future of the band, he was thinking about his own future, he was thinking about Tachi's future. He was thinking about being poor and noble versus being rich and.... rich. He was thinking about what he was going to order once he got to McDonald's.
But mostly, he had to admit, he was thinking about being locked in a hotel room alone with Tachi. Preoccupied with that thought, to be more exact. So much so, that he accidentally walked past the McDonald's at first. He had to backtrack in order to get into the heavy swinging door. Upon entering, he simply got in line and proceeded to think a little more.
Alone in a room with Tachi. A hotel room. Why was that so much more meaningful than when they were alone at home? It made the whole thing all the more sexy and illicit, as if they shouldn't be there together. As if they were planning on doing all sorts of things that they probably shouldn't do. He found it hard not to imagine how it would be like, their naked skin on the cold hotel sheets...
"Hey." Someone barked from behind him. "Move."
Ma-kun came to, blinked, and smiled sheepishly, "Sorry." He flashed the guy behind him a peace sign, and took the two steps forwards.
Hotel sheets. He shook his head hard and mentally swore at Tachi. If Tachi were a woman, he'd have accused him of being a tease years ago.
He was equally preoccupied when he finally reached the cashier, and had to hastily make up his mind about what food to get. He eventually ordered two of the same thing and two sodas. If Tachi didn't like burgers he'd have to suffer. Tachi probably liked burgers. Who didn't like burgers?
"Sir?"
"Un?" His eyes opened up wide.
".... payment, please?"
He squeezed his eyes shut, "Oh! Yeah. Right." And then he tried to shake his head clear.
He was walking down the street now, carrying the food in one hand and the sodas in the other. He was looking down at the sidewalk as he walked. If he saw a pebble of any size, he'd kick at it with his toe.
Morality, is a selective thing at best.
He stopped walking down the sidewalk, unmindful of those around him.
Morality, is a selective thing at best. Morality yields to whatever the construct of the moment happens to be.
And who would he be fooling if he ever said that ASK was motivated by morality?
The air was cool, the light was late afternoon. He'd been walking back and forth from McDonalds to the hotel now for just under an hour. The food in the sack had probably solidified into waxy forms of its past grandeur by now. The light breeze was moving the flaps of his thin jacket open, exposing his white shirt underneath. Ma-kun was just looking down.
Morality, is a selective thing at best.
Ma-kun made just one more stop before he walked the rest of the way to the hotel.
Tachi was lightly sleeping on the made bed. He kept waking up every time there was any noise outside the room. Anyone walking past, any particularly noisy car, some far off conversation, all that had the power to lift him from his light rest.
And it was rest, and he needed it.
When Ma-kun did finally arrive, Tachi had just passed from light sleep into deep sleep, and had been still inside that for less than eight minutes. Ma-kun kicked at the door loudly to get his attention. Through the metal door he could hear Ma-kun shouting, "Yo! Ta-chan! Open the door before I make a scene!"
So therefore, Tachi's first thought upon waking was, 'Shit.' And he swung his legs off the bed and rushed to the door before Ma-kun lived up to his word. He opened the door quickly and Ma-kun nearly kicked him in the shins.
"Sorry," But Ma-kun was smiling at him.
"Why? That you missed?"
"Naturally." And he held up the McDonald's bag and the little carton of sodas, "The burgers are cold and the sodas are warm."
"Just the way I like it." And Tachi stepped aside and let Ma-kun in.
Ma-kun took a few broad steps in, and dropped the bag and set the drinks on the bed. "You start." And then he walked to the bathroom. "Nice hotel. How much you pay for it?"
"Dunno. I just signed the slip." And Tachi began to unroll the paper sack with a crinkling noise. Ma-kun paused at the doorway to the bathroom, his hand on the frame. For a moment, he thought about turning around and taking the bag away from Tachi. Then he changed his mind and went in.
Tachi pulled out the fries first, and then sat on the bed, stuck one half-cold fry between his teeth and bit. There wasn't enough salt, and it tasted like shit cold (cold shit?), but he liked it, so he ate it quickly, intending to eat whatever else was in the bag last. As he was eating the fries, he leaned over the bag to see what was inside, and then paused and looked a little closer. Inside the paper McDonald's sack, was a small blue plastic sack. He tilted his head to one side, reached in the bag, and nudged at it. Whatever was inside was in a box.
"Huh." Tachi said aloud, thought for a moment about respecting Ma-kun's privacy, and then changed his mind. He pushed three more fries into his mouth, started to chew, and then pulled the small blue bag out of the paper one. He stripped away the thin blue plastic, and then paused and blinked.
A box of lubricant, anal lubricant.
Tachi felt his face instantly grow hot and he shoved the box back into the blue sack, at the same time the bathroom door opened and Ma-kun stepped out. Tachi flung his gaze up at Ma-kun, and wasn't sure if he was supposed to fly into an angry rage or if he was supposed to ignore it.
He stood up off the bed.
He realized he was still holding the blue bag in his hand. He held out the bag, looked at Ma-kun, and was unsure of what to say. "This..."
"Yeah."
"This... isn't ..."
"Isn't what?" Ma-kun walked closer to him, stopped too close. He was smiling, but not in a really dominating way, it was confident, sexy, amused, and unthreatening.
Tachi didn't want to acknowledge it, but he couldn't break eye contact. "Why'd you buy this?"
Ma-kun reached out and touched Tachi's hands, Tachi tried for a moment to draw away, but at the same time Ma-kun closed his grip on him and wouldn't let him go. He felt Ma-kun run one finger over the plane of skin between his thumb and forefinger in a caress. Ma-kun's eyes were glinting with amusement, "Why do you think?"
He couldn't quite breathe, and he knew he had to pull away, he had to pull away right now, if he wanted things to stay calm in the room. He felt small; Ma-kun was looming over him now, staring down at him, examining him. He was so close to Tachi, Tachi could see the black stripes that cut into the blue of his eye, the movement of his iris. He couldn't look away from Ma-kun, he was a little trapped, he couldn't remember to breathe, he hated being looked at like this.
Ma-kun wrapped his other hand around Tachi's, and then gently manipulated Tachi's hand, made Tachi open up the plastic bag, made Tachi let go of the bag. The bag made a soft rustling sound as it was pried from his fingers, floated gently to the ground. Now all Tachi was holding in his hand was a box. And all Tachi could do was look at Ma-kun's face. While manipulating his hand, Ma-kun had let his eyes drift down to their fingers, and the look on his face was... ... a little beyond him.
He wasn't sure how to interpret all this. He wasn't sure if he was capable of it. Ma-kun was smiling down at their joined hands, as if between the two of them they were holding a bird.
"Tachi?" Ma-kun's fingers stroked at Tachi's knuckles.
Tachi's grip on the box was a little tight.
"What?" His voice sounded just a little airy, he was a little surprised he'd been able to answer at all.
And Ma-kun looked up at him, made eye contact, "We don't have to do anything at all." And he took the final step closer to Tachi, released his right hand and placed it at Tachi's waist. "But I'd like to."
The place where Ma-kun had touched his hand felt cool now that nothing was there to warm it. Tachi wasn't sure what to think. But his first, internal reaction was panic. He concentrated on his breathing, kept track of the pace, his mind suddenly hyper aware of all his outward expressions. "Why?"
Ma-kun laughed a little, squeezed at him, "What do you mean, 'why'?" And then Ma-kun pressed close to him.
Tachi should pull away. Should, he really should. Any normal man would have by now. Any real man.
"I ..." Tachi's eyes drifted down to where their hands were touching, focused on the writing on the box. The whole thing felt surreal, beyond his control, inevitable. He read the brand name over and over again, his brain looping over and over again all the expectations that came with it. "..I don't... know...." And he blinked at the box, felt his stomach full of acid, felt his heart race, carefully controlled his breathing.
His head was turned as he looked at the box, and Ma-kun leaned into his neck and started to make playful little bites there. Between fluttering bites that sent a thrill down Tachi's spine, Ma-kun laughed and said against him, "Don't know what?"
Tachi took a deep breath, "No. I, don't think so." And he tried to shrug Ma-kun off. "No. No, no no no. I'm not like that." And he completely pushed Ma-kun away.
"Bullshit." Ma-kun stated, and then put his arms around Tachi and drew him close. "Complete and utter bullshit." And then he started to press kisses all over Tachi's face, Tachi could feel Ma-kun's smile against his skin. "It's bullshit and you know it."
Tachi held his breath and closed his eyes.
Ma-kun lifted his head and whispered against Tachi's ear, "If you're so straight, then stop me."
"I..." His eyebrows knit, and his stomach got tighter. "I'm trying."
"Hey," Ma-kun drew away from him, stroked his face. "Hey, relax." And Ma-kun kissed him. "We haven't done anything we haven't done before, yet." And he smiled. "Doesn't this feel good?"
Tachi was frowning, his nausea a little overwhelming, the greasy fries made him feel worse instead of better. He didn't want this to feel good. "Yeah." He sounded young when he said that.
Ma-kun was reassuring, "That's all this is, Tachi. We're just making each other feel good." And Ma-kun started to pull him towards the bed, walking backwards towards it. "That's aaall this is." He was playful. "Come on," Ma-kun pulled him along, "Come here." Ma-kun pulled him close again and kissed his neck, "See? That's not so bad."
Tachi closed his eyes with reluctance. It did feel good. He couldn't deny that. Ma-kun's hands were erotic and gentle and all over the place.
"See?" Ma-kun whispered, nuzzled him, "We don't even have to use the big bad lube." And he smiled, "This is enough. Really." And Ma-kun coaxed the box out of his hand, and it fell off the bed. Tachi heard it fall, make a solid sound when it hit.
Tachi could feel each individual metal coil of the bed against his back. Ma-kun was in charge of the touching, in charge of the kissing. Ma-kun was in charge of everything that happened, all Tachi did was lay there -- senses overloaded, his brain empty and his stomach tied in complicated knots. All Tachi had to do was receive, be there, and accept.
Ma-kun was clearly enjoying himself. Whenever Ma-kun's lips touched Tachi's skin, Tachi could feel the curve of a smile formed where the lips rested. Ma-kun was the sort that smiled when he made love, the sort that laughed and made no effort to appear solemn. For him, there was nothing ceremonial about it
For Tachi, it was usually just about getting off. He was all about getting it over with and leaving, for the most part.
He wasn't sure how to take this sort of... languishing sensuality.
And he couldn't really bring himself to enjoy it. His brain kept twirling around one thought, his stomach a clenched fist of acid. He wasn't gay, he wasn't supposed to enjoy this, he wasn't supposed to just lay there while this was being done to him. He wasn't into men, real men don't do this.
He shouldn't enjoy this. He wasn't enjoying this. He was too caught up inside the thought loop, so every warm and comfortable touch Ma-kun was laying on him just made him feel sick.
But he closed his eyes, and held his breath, and let it happen. He supposed some things he wasn't really meant to enjoy.
And now Ma-kun slid his hands up Tachi's button up shirt, pinched at Tachi's nipple and bit and sucked at Tachi's neck. He let out a heavy breath against Tachi's ear, "God," and he laughed, "I didn't really ever think we'd do this."
"We have." His voice was lower, a little breathless, but not as much.
"Not like this." Ma-kun said, kissed him, "Not you, and me." And he laughed again, "None of your usual fucking resentment, none of your usual denials and closeted bullshit. Just you and me."
"'Usual'?" Tachi said sharply, "What do you mean 'usual'?" He pressed at Ma-kun's shoulders, latching onto anything that could ruin the moment. "We've only done this once before."
Ma-kun's expression didn't change, "Well, usual enough." And he kissed Tachi on the lips. Then Ma-kun drew away and started to unbutton Tachi's shirt, as quickly as he could, not bothering to be coy about it. He peeled his own shirt off right over his head. He flung his shirt off to one side, and then ran his hands over Tachi's bare chest, stuck his fingers underneath the cloth that still covered Tachi's shoulders.
Tachi was focusing primarily on not being sick.
And Ma-kun lowered himself on top of Tachi, and Tachi felt the coils of the bed press against him once again. Ma-kun leaned forwards and whispered into his ear, "Relax already." Ma-kun started to move his hips in a long rocking motion. "Just relax, Tachi. Doesn't this feel good?"
Ma-kun didn't sound mean or demanding at all. Tachi still didn't feel able to escape or run away. "I guess."
A smile against his ear, "You guess." He teased. And Ma-kun pressed kisses to Tachi's neck, nudged away the fabric and pressed kisses there, too. Tachi could still feel the smile on Ma-kun's lips. Ma-kun wasn't demanding anything, Ma-kun wasn't forcing him to do anything, Ma-kun was just kissing at him, touching him. Ma-kun was rubbing his hands over the exposed skin, sliding his hands under the band of Tachi's pants, so that his fingers tickled for a moment at the very small of Tachi's back.
Tachi frowned and tolerated it.
Ma-kun sighed against him. There was a smile against his belly, now, the moist texture of a tongue tracing a random pattern there. There was a smile at his chest, and teeth that ground a nipple. There was a smile at his throat, and his ear. A smile that traced a dangerous route back down to his fly.
"I want to kiss your lower back."
"Why?"
"So graceful there." A soft pause to smile against his navel, "Don't worry, I'll play nice."
So a smile traced a little circle at his lower back, and as promised followed his spine up to his hairline. Each individual coil of the mattress now, pressing against his front. He felt dizzy, uncertain. The sickness in his stomach was starting to ebb away, and that made him feel oddly disappointed in himself.
So he panicked. For a moment, he gasped as if he'd been holding his breath for too long -- and he probably had -- and shoved Ma-kun away. For a moment, he couldn't be passive and just lay there. For a moment, he couldn't stop thinking, "But I'm not into men."
But Ma-kun reacted exactly as he should, and shushed him, and touched his cheek, and smiled. And then Ma-kun kissed him, lightly, applying hardly any pressure to the kiss at all, letting his lips drift in a circle. "It's okay, Tachi." Ma-kun soothed. "We're not doing anything bad." And kissed him again, "This isn't bad, Tachi. This isn't bad."
The late afternoon light was against Tachi's face, from a part in the curtain. He could hear the distant sound of traffic. He couldn't see any of it, though, his eyes were closed. He wasn't sure what to think or feel, his stomach was an ever-unwinding noose of acid, his brain was empty. And everywhere Ma-kun laid down a smile, there was a warm tingling feeling.
He felt as if he had just realized he knew how to breathe underwater, a sort of instinctive panic every time he inhaled would take over, and then he'd realize he could still breathe, but he could feel the solidness of it and his mind would forever tell him it was unnatural.
"Ma-kun?" Tachi was breathless.
"Mm?" And Ma-kun's smile traced against his face again.
Tachi forgot what he was going to say.
Ma-kun got his pants off with little effort. Tachi felt uncomfortable, but couldn't quite deny that being touched was unpleasant. He kept his eyes closed as much as possible. He'd frown and bat away Ma-kun's hands whenever Ma-kun reached for his crotch.
It wasn't so bad. It all actually felt good. Erotic. Tachi bit his lower lip and nearly flung an arm around Ma-kun, his first real movement towards Ma-kun since they started to make out. And they kissed again. And Tachi felt just a little ill, but it wasn't so bad. It could be worse.
"Tachi?" There was a catch in his voice now that hinted he just realized something.
"What?" He asked, he didn't sound annoyed at the interruption.
"Tachi, why aren't you hard?"
Tachi just lay on his back. "I don't know." He felt sick, and tired, and sort of disappointed.
"Aren't you enjoying this?"
Tachi was looking at the ceiling, the light from outside was hitting his right eye. "I guess."
"You guess?" Ma-kun sat up.
He felt cold. "Yeah."
"What the hell do you mean 'yeah'?" Ma-kun's voice was angry, "you are or you aren't."
"I guess I am." He really was.
"Tachi, god damn it, I won't be your god damn penitence. You won't fucking use me to atone for your sins."
He grit his teeth, and sat bolt upright in bed. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"What the fuck do you think I'm talking about?"
"Oh, well, fuck you anyways." And he was almost relieved for the excuse to get out of bed. The light from outside placed a clean, gold stripe through the center of his skin. "I told you 'no' to begin with." And he walked towards the window, took one look outside at the buildings and the mass of traffic outside, he was pissed off. He jerked the curtains shut, and they swayed gracefully back and forth, strobe-ing dim afternoon sunlight into the room. Tachi reached forwards almost compulsively to stop them, slightly paranoid that the outside world could see him. He didn't quite let go of the curtains for a moment, his fists white on the cheap fabric, and when he did release them, the curtains wound up exactly as they were before he touched them.
"Well, god damn it, you've always lead me on."
"I did no such fucking thing!" He swiveled around to face Ma-kun, at last in familiar territory. "Why the fuck would I lead you on? I'm not a fucking faggot."
"What?"
"You heard me you fucking homo, why the hell would I lead you on? I'm not gay!" And his entire body was clenched in barely restrained fury. Tachi was standing before the window, angry and naked and inventing things to be angry about.
"Oh, fuck you. Let me tell you something, Tachi, there are two things that you need -- and they both involve your ass."
Tachi made a sound that was a lot like a roar of frustration, he took a few steps towards the bed, where Ma-kun was sitting, and stopped. He had no idea what to do with this rage. Normally, when he was this pissed off he'd get into a fight, hit someone, injure someone. But he couldn't hit Ma-kun. He never had. And so his anger nearly evaporated as he was caught flatfooted. It clenched itself into a tighter knot, coiled around his insides like a great snake. He smashed the lamp ineffectually, and melted to the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest.
And the room became perfectly silent.
And the light that touched his face was the only warmth he felt, until Ma-kun touched his shoulder.
"Tachi," And Ma-kun's arms wrapped completely around Tachi's shoulders from the bed, "Tachi... you need to pull it together."
Tachi was staring blankly forwards.
He thought he saw a glint, he dismissed it.
"Tachi, I refuse to let you use me --"
"I'm not." Tachi said quietly, felt defeated and tired. "I can't."
The arms tightened around his shoulders, the mattress pressed against his back. "Yeah, you are."
Tachi shook his head 'no', and sighed. His stomach was a knot of acid, his head was empty.
"You can't fuck me and expect to be in the band again, you can't fuck me and expect everything to be alright with Shindou."
He felt dizzy.
"I don't care about that." Tachi said, meant it.
There was a significant pause in the conversation. Ma-kun hugged his shoulders. The air was cold, and the sunlight against his skin was a declining warmth. The air was cold, and Ma-kun's body heat pressed against his shoulders and neck, and didn't fade away.
"Tachi," Ma-kun's voice was less steeled.
"What?" Tachi's voice had dropped pretense.
"Are you attracted to me?"
Tachi laughed and covered his face with one hand.
"No, answer me." And the arms shook a bit. "Are you using me to get into the band? Are you using me to feel better about Shindou?" Another hurtful pause, "Or..."
"Or I'm attracted to you." Tachi shook his head, but didn't mean 'no'. He laughed, but not because he found anything amusing. He pursed his lips, and smiled weakly, and sighed deeply. "I guess. Whatever. I don't care, anymore."
"No," Ma-kun pressed, "I've got to hear you say it."
"Why? You'll think I'm lying no matter what I say."
"Say it."
Tachi dropped his head a bit, and Ma-kun's arms didn't let go, but didn't cling as hard. Tachi sighed, and gently resigned himself to the situation. It was inevitable, it was beyond him, and he felt guilty and he felt sick, and he wondered why he bothered lying in the first place. His throat was so tight, when he started the sentence, "I'm" got lost and all that came out was, "...tracted to you..." And he bit his lower lip, swallowed around the tight lump in his throat.
Ma-kun kissed his throat, laughed once, and Tachi felt Ma-kun lick his lips once before he started to talk. His voice was tight as well, "So, I guess you weren't faking it then, eh?"
Tachi laughed, covered his mouth, and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry." And he laughed again, his mouth in a full smile, "I really..." He bit his lower lip, "I really..." He sighed, "I really just wanted," His eyebrows pinched, "I wanted to be normal."
Ma-kun stroked a little circle on Tachi's chest. "I don't see what's so awful about this," Ma-kun stated, hugged him a bit.
Tachi closed his eyes and let out a long shiver of a sigh. The light from outside now was dull grey, and Tachi could see a glint far away, the window of a building across the street. Tachi swallowed again, the lump in his throat so tight he was having trouble breathing.
"Why don't you join me in bed?" Ma-kun asked gently. "We don't have to do anything. Really." And this time there wasn't anything flirtatious in his voice. Tachi nodded and felt heavy all over. When he stood up, he felt tired, when he lay down in bed, he felt awkward. Ma-kun smiled, and kissed him on the mouth.
There was nothing carnivorous about it, it was almost comforting.
"Ma-kun?" He heard himself whisper. The hotel room had become sepia in the early evening.
"Hn?"
He felt cowardly, "If you like, we could -"
"If 'we' like, we could."
"Yeah, I guess." He felt nervous.
"Slow," Ma-kun agreed. "Just for fun." And Ma-kun touched his face. "Everything we do for the rest of the night is for fun, okay?"
Tachi nodded, and then tried to say the word, "Fun."
"Yeah," Ma-kun kissed him, "fun."
"That means everything we do is consensual." Ma-kun stated, and then realized what he'd said.
Tachi nearly closed up again, a wad of guilt lodging inside of him. "Yeah." Tachi said, but believed he deserved less.
"Sorry."
"Why should you be?"
"Stop it. Just...kiss, okay?"
And so they did. Tachi responded almost clumsily to the kisses, unsure of what his part was in them. Was he supposed to be submissive? Play the lead? And that's how the rest of their touching went.
Ma-kun advancing, Tachi reacting with uncertainty. Tension began to unravel from his body like a long cord, his emotions finally a blank, and his mind was full.
He didn't deserve to enjoy this. Not anymore.
But Ma-kun was so even, and the whole thing was an awkward give and take. His heart was beating hard, and his lungs were breathing hard, and his mind was yammering at him... that arching his back was wrong, that parting his lips was wrong. Echoes inside his head, wrong wrong wrong. Wrong gender, wrong sensation, wrong soul. He was just, wrong.
And it was him, he, Tachi, that was wrong. All wrong.
When that smile returned to his skin, when that smile traced a new pattern on him, his body reacted one way and his brain reacted another. When Ma-kun's hands gripped his cock hard and squeezed, when Ma-kun's teeth dragged delicately against his cheek, when their breath came in complimenting rhythms... Tachi's mind would interject at random the things he'd known forever.
This is wrong.
This shouldn't feel good.
He didn't deserve this.
And when Ma-kun smiled at him, and touched his face, and when things got heavy enough for Ma-kun to cautiously reach over and pick up the box of lube, Tachi's head would intermittently turn on and off.
This is wrong.
This shouldn't feel good.
He didn't deserve this.
Men don't have sex with men. Tachi, didn't deserve to feel good anymore. Everything was wrong. Wrong, wrong.
Fingers were slicking up his insides, now, making him uncomfortable. Small suction at his neck, and the friction of another body against his own. He was breathless, he was excited, he was submissive.
He made a sound that he'd only heard once before, and panicked just a little bit.
"Sssh," Ma-kun soothed, and they kissed again.
And Tachi shook all over, confused by how exciting it was all getting, confused by the lack of breasts on Ma-kun, confused at the extreme elevation of his own excitement.
At one point, Ma-kun broke away to rush at Tachi's backpack, pull out the box of condoms, rush back, land on top of him and cover him with slightly desperate kisses. The box fell to the floor twice before they got around to opening it.
**click** "Saah." A bass voice. "I think he just wants this for gay porn."
He swung back and forth between desire and shame. His brain still wanted to examine things, still wanted to say he was worth this and not worth that. His body still reacted however it wanted to. It was only when they actually started to have sex that Tachi's mind stopped playing tricks on him.
**click** The subtle click of a good camera. *click* An annoyed click of the tongue. *click* **click** an indignant huff. *click** *click* "I am surrounded by queers."
He groaned, a great hollow ache started to take over, a rolling tingling sensation. He bit his lower lip and arched his back, he dug his fingers into Ma-kun's shoulders, he made a sobbing noise. He forced his eyes to squint open, he saw Ma-kun's face. He grit his teeth and panted, he tried to hold himself back just a little more. The sheets were over smooth against his skin, all the blankets had hit the floor ages ago. His body was burning, tingling, shivering, sweating, all at once. He was seconds away from climax, his body was seconds away from release. And then he came, and his hips jerked with it. The noise from his throat was long.
Seguchi Touma was flipping through a rather small folio of pictures. His face, uncharacteristically, was set with a minor frown. "Did you have to take quite so many?" And he flipped another photo to one side, turned another one over and looked at it -- two people on a bed viewed through hotel curtains.
"Ah, but I only did what you asked me to." And he nodded once.
"Sometimes I fear you have a great talent for this." Touma took one photo out and looked at it. Touma wanted to keep this picture, he wanted it set in black and white, he wanted it framed on his desk. "He almost seems to be crying in this photo."
"Well, I'd imagine having anything stuck up your --"
"No, this is before it." And Touma placed the photo lightly down on his desk, pented his hands just so, and then tilted his head to one side in careful regard of the photo. "Yes. I'd say that in this photo, he's feeling quite a bit of genuine regret." A soft pause, as Touma's general love of theatrics took over, "Good." And Touma picked up the photo, and slid it carefully back into the folio. "I think, he'll experience quite a bit more. And soon."
contrary-perfection.net :: the collected works of eidolon tree