Morning After

The phone rang. It was one in the afternoon, and the phone in the hotel room was ringing. Tachi was not a morning person, no matter what time of the day it was, he barely awoke from his sleep to answer the phone, and mostly because he was closer.

"What?"

He heard a soft clicking noise on the phone, as if the receiver on the other end was just picked up.

"Hello?" He asked again, confused now that he realized he was still in the hotel, and no one knew that he was there.

"Aizawa-san." A gentle voice said over the phone.

And Tachi sat up in bed, his eyes opened all the way. There was only one voice that could strike fear in him so quickly with so few words. His first reaction was to want to say, 'yes', but he couldn't form the word.

"Do you believe in karma, Aizawa-san?"

Tachi didn't answer.

"Do you?"

He tried to say, 'no', but found he was too afraid to speak.

"I don't, Aizawa-san," And the voice sounded quite satisfied, "-- but I do believe in justice."

And then the phone went dead, and Tachi went still. Tachi's brain swooped for a moment, unbalanced under a new load.

The floor was covered in symbolism. A broken, blue lamp lay prone, with one great gash revealing hollow insides, the ceramic sharply white at the breaks. Two used condoms lay flaccid next to two open boxes. Their clothes were in a pile next to the sheets. A spilled soda on the floor, the carpet was darker in the spill radius. Fast food bags lay on the other side of the room, food cold and uneaten. Something broken, something used, something ignored.

The air was still, and cool. Where the afternoon sun hit, there was nothing but uncomfortable heat, as it stretched across the half-lit room from the partially open curtain.

Tachi wasn't sure what to think. Ma-kun was asleep next to him, he looked utterly content with his messy hair and partially parted lips. He was a quiet sleeper. Tachi bet he rested well at night, every night. Nary a ghost to haunt him. Some of the sunlight struck and made golden part of Ma-kun's upper thigh.

Tachi swung his legs off the bed and set them down on the dense, cheap carpet. His body ached, his inner thighs ached, his neck ached, his ass ached. He walked across the room with what dignity he could muster while naked, picked up his pants, and then went to the bathroom. He shut the door, and locked it, braced his back against it, and sighed.

He hated mornings, no matter what time of day it happened to be.

His brain was wrapped in gauze. He could feel it, something inside of him that was decidedly separate from the whole. He could feel it sort of thud against his conscious self, try and gather his attention. He didn't want to think quite yet.

He started the hot water for the shower and dropped his pants into the corner. When it wasn't too hot, and it wasn't too cold, he climbed in and let the hot water beat against his tight shoulders. He just stood there and let the stream hit him, loosen him up a bit. He hated waking up nothing but knots. He usually woke up nothing but knots.

He let the heat slowly un-numb him. He wanted to fall asleep in there. He hadn't really been fully awake in weeks.

He sighed heavily, and then touched his forehead to the tile on the wall.

Maybe he did believe in karma.

Inside his head, he could see the little square hotel room, the mess on the floor and in the bed, he could see that one tiny window and the curtains that didn't seem to close. He imagined the light from the window, how it laid a gold bar down on the floor and up the wall, bisecting the room into two shadowy halves. He remembered kissing Ma-kun last night, how he wrapped one desperate arm around the back of Ma-kun's neck, and pressed his forearm there.

He was in the shower for about an hour. He let the hot water keep him warm, wash away some of the body aches he had from last night. His inner thighs ached from keeping his legs open for so long. His ass ached from the stretch. His jaw ached from clenching. His neck ached from sleep. He felt mildly hung over, though he knew logically that he hadn't had enough to drink from the night before to cause a hang over. He may have dozed off for a moment in the shower, allowed himself to feel safe and warm and comfortable for a bit.

When he got out, he was immediately icey cold. He grabbed a towel, and dried himself off briskly and then pulled on his pants, and opened the bathroom door.

Ma-kun's face popped into view, as he leaned into the bathroom and smiled at Tachi. "Yo," His voice implied he was in a good mood. "In here long enough?"

"No," Tachi contemplated shutting the door, but he pushed it open anyways. He thought of the curtains that always hung partly open in the main room of the hotel. He thought of the stream of light that hit him in the face. He thought about a glint striking his eye.

Tachi shook his head 'no' and wrapped his arms around his chest. He felt weak and tired all over. He was too fucking washed up, he was too fucking far gone to fight anymore.

"So…" Ma-kun offered awkwardly.

"Yeah. So." Tachi said, thinking about something completely different from Ma-kun.

Ma-kun laughed a laugh that seemed only moderately giddy, and he reached forwards impulsively and touched Tachi's shoulder. Tachi frowned, shrank away, but didn't pull away completely.

"Morning," Ma-kun offered, belatedly.

"Yeah, it is." Tachi shook his head a bit, and droplets flew about, a few hit Ma-kun in the face. Ma-kun started to laugh a bit, and then wiped away the droplets with one hand. Tachi wanted to apologize, but kept his mouth shut. He raked his fingers through his hair, and turned to face the mirror. He probably should pull Ma-kun into the bathroom, there weren't any windows in the bathroom.

Ma-kun was looking at him.

"So what now?" Tachi asked. He was referring to ASK.

"I don't know." Ma-kun answered, "I mean, I hadn't thought this far ahead." He laughed again, nervously, "I mean, not that I thought about…well, yeah I did. But not as much as I sound like I did. Just, you know." And he let out another half-laugh out of nervousness. "You know, last night doesn't have to mean anything." And then Tachi saw Ma-kun dip his chin down, and then saw his head jerk back up again quickly, "But, you know, it could mean everything if you want. I mean, not that it has to. Gah, what I mean is, it doesn't have to mean anything, but it doesn't mean nothing, no…. fuck. Just, no pressure. About anything. Okay?"

Tachi leaned up against the counter for a moment and laughed. He shook his head 'no', and said, "The band."

Ma-kun blinked once and stood a little more upright. "Oh."

Tachi shook his head again, chagrinned. He turned to face Ma-kun. He felt, as if he were beyond being phased by anything and everything. "The band, Ma-kun. What's going to happen to it now?"

Ma-kun looked at him for a bit, and Tachi could see him trying to figure things out for a moment.

"We'll sign with NG, they'll assign us a new lead singer."

"And you'll become rich and famous rockstars while I get a fucking job for a change." Tachi nodded, his voice was edged with sarcasm. He wanted to sing, he knew something Ma-kun didn't know.

"Well…" Ma-kun looked at him for a long time, steadily, before he finally shrugged once and said, "We can't always predict the future."

"Yeah." Tachi nodded, turned back to the mirror. He kept his eyes on his own reflection now. He saw Ma-kun's hand grasp his shoulder and give it a bit of a squeeze. He didn't like it, Ma-kun squeezed too hard and he could feel the uncomfortable pressure at an awkward point in his muscles.

"And, so…" Ma-kun started.

Tachi should interrupt, right now. Tachi should pull Ma-kun into the bathroom, right now.

"What about you and I? What do you think about last night? I mean, not all of it… just you know, that whole last part. The part where we were naked." Ma-kun smiled a half smile at what he just said, realized that an attempt to sound smooth only sounded stupid, and looked down.

" I don't know." Tachi answered. "I guess the chances are pretty slim we can forget this ever happened and just….be the same, like usual, eh?"

"Yeah."

Tachi nodded, "figured."

"But, what did you think?"

Tachi shrugged. He was tempted to grab Ma-kun and pull him into the bathroom now, narrow as it was. He wanted to get Ma-kun away from the window and it's curtains that never seemed to meet. He was also a little afraid to reach out and touch Ma-kun. Ma-kun wasn't wearing a shirt. Ma-kun's upper torso was defined well, and he was narrow at the waist, and his skin was smooth. He didn't want to touch that torso, that waist, that chest.... not so close to that bright beam of light. Not by choice. Not again.

"I guess…. You know, we can play it by ear." And Ma-kun rested his chin on Tachi's shoulder. "You know, not get rid of each other, not really try and force the issue. Just kinda let it keep doing whatever it's doing. I guess."

Tachi frowned at the skin contact, rolled his shoulders a little uncomfortably, tried to shoo Ma-kun away. "What do you want it to do?"

"…I don't know. I just --" One short, sharp laugh, Ma-kun slipped an arm around Tachi's waist, pulled him close, "I just want to make sure that we don't do anything so fucking sudden that it ruins all of it all together. I don't want to stop knowing you either way. I guess. I don't know. I'm hungry, I haven't eaten in a day and a half, and I'm still tired."

Tachi nodded, and then shrugged his shoulders a little more aggressively, pushed Ma-kun away. He hated being touched all the time. Ma-kun tried to loop his arms around him again, and then Tachi just placed the palm of his hand on Ma-kun's chest and scowled at him. "God damn, Ma-kun. Let me breathe, would you?"

"Okay, okay." And Ma-kun drew away.

Tachi blinked, he didn't expect Ma-kun to do as he'd asked. He'd gotten used to Ma-kun pushing and pushing and pushing until he got what he wanted. It rather felt good to have an opinion again. Though, he almost, part ways, just a little bit, wished that Ma-kun had held on just a second longer.

At about that moment, Ma-kun awkwardly lunged at him and kissed him on the mouth, missed his lips and kissed part of Tachi's teeth, and his lower lip. He pulled away, entrenched in embarrassment again. Tachi was a little horrified, he thought of someone standing in room across the street, looking at him. He thought of cameras. Ma-kun laughed. "I'm sorry." He said, "It's just -- it's been so long since I've had sex with anyone I was really attracted to." And he leaned in close and looked down at Tachi, touched Tachi's face, "You know?"

"Yeah," Tachi said, and then hoped that what he'd just said wasn't going to be misunderstood. A lot of times, he just took sex wherever he could get it, if the girl was pretty that was good enough, but he was rarely ever actually attracted to them.

"It's win or lose right now." Ma-kun sighed, and Tachi felt his breath against his face. "I either win, or lose. I guess we both do."

Tachi almost said that either way, he lost. But he decided not to.

He's held off for too long. He's been standing at the entrance to the bathroom for too long, he's been touched by Ma-kun too often. The window was the most ominous thing in his life at that moment.

"Ma-kun..." Just say it, get it over with.

"Yeah?" And Ma-kun looked at him deeply.

Tachi flicked his eyes away, embarrassed to be looked at in that way.

Just say it. Fuck the window, fuck pulling Ma-kun in, fuck being seen. Fuck everything. There's no way this could get worse. Tachi took one and a half steps backwards into the hotel's tiny bathroom, and sat down on the floor.

"Tachi? Are you okay?"

Tachi shook his head 'no'. "This, is bad."

"Oh..." Ma-kun leaned against the bathroom's doorframe, misinterpreting Tachi again. "Well..." And Ma-kun almost looked hurt. "You know, it doesn't have to mean anything. Like I said." Ma-kun slid one of his feet forwards so it touched the other side of the door frame, effectively blocking Tachi in. He was looking down at his own foot. "I don't think it has to be all that bad... I mean... I don't think it is all that bad..."

Tachi smiled down at his knees, put his hands at his forehead, and then pushed his fingers into his wet, tangled hair. "No, that's not what I mean."

"It isn't?"

"Nope." And he pursed his lips a moment, shook his head 'no' again, and kept his hands in place in his hair. "It's worse than that."

"Wait --"

"No."

"Tachi, what do you mea--"

"Seguchi called." He said it. He hadn't planned on saying it. He hadn't planned on saying it so simply, or abruptly.

Ma-kun was silent a moment, caught off guard. Tachi looked up at Ma-kun, waited for the reaction.

Ma-kun's hair was messy from the bed, but he'd obviously finger combed it so it wasn't a bedraggled mess. His eyes were wide and the blue seemed to communicate his shock perfectly. Tachi watched with no emotion as Ma-kun's eyebrows knit and he bared his teeth a bit, "What the fuck?"

"Seguchi," Tachi carefully enunciated, "Called. The hotel phone. About an hour ago. While you were asleep."

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

Tachi shrugged, "It wouldn't have helped."

"Fuck you it wouldn't have helped! How the hell did he know you were here? Oh, fuck, nevermind, I know how. He had you followed. Fucking... bastard." And Ma-kun looked around the room for a second, wildly, as if there was something he could do about. "Oh, god." He said.

Tachi felt morbidly amused now. He laughed a little hysterically on the floor, hugged his knees to his chest and shook his head again, 'no'.

"Why the fuck are you laughing?" Ma-kun sounded as if he were starting to lose control of some of his anger.

"Why the fuck shouldn't I laugh?" Tachi's hysteria kicked up another notch.

"Because we're fucking screwed, that's what!"

"You are." Tachi concluded. "I was. Already was. Still am. Continue to be."

"God damnit." Ma-kun looked desperate again, fell down onto the floor, on one knee, looming above Tachi because he was kneeling and Tachi was sitting. "God damnit Tachi. How could you fucking laugh? Laugh?"

"At a time like this." Tachi finished the thought, his amusement growing harder and heavier, he was a little panicked now. "Well, why the fuck not?" He answered again. He would reach out and grab Ma-kun's arms and pry them away if only he could release the fists he'd just formed. "What else could go wrong? Huh? My fucking dream, my fucking soul, fucking destroyed. I got fucked last night by my best friend. Twice. And now some twisted cooperate shit has pictures of it. What else could go wrong. Why not laugh? Why the fuck not."

Ma-kun shook his head in disbelief. "Is that what you think of last night? Of right now? What I've been working all this god damn time to make with you and the band and --"

Tachi laughed again, his teeth were grit and his knuckles were white. "That, is what happened. Call it like you see it."

"....Tach--" Ma-kun cut himself off, he hadn't seemed to have blinked a while, and was now dwelling inside some demented combination of anger, shock, fear, and disappointment. "You really do ruin everything, don't you?"

It was like a knife where hadn't realized he had flesh.

Tachi broke eye contact, shoved Ma-kun away, and got up as much as he could with Ma-kun little more than a foot or two away from him. "Fuck you."

He needed to get the hell out of there. Away from everything, to hell with the damn window and those ominous glints across the street. To hell with everything. He just needed out, and away. Before he broke something.

Again.

"Tachi, god damn it, get your ass back here."

"Go to hell, I am not your fucking servant." He grabbed his shirt off the floor, shoved it into his backpack, which was lying between the bed and the door.

It occurred to him that this hotel room was the same shape as a cell.

"No, you fucking listen to me for a god damn change --"

Tachi barked out a sharp 'ha' at Ma-kun in mockery. "I'm sick of doing everything you say."

"Sit down and shut up, we need to fucking talk about all this crap that's going on."

"Talk, about what? Do you want to open the god damn curtains so they can get better pictures of it?" He pointed at the small window, "Maybe we should fuck again. Huh? Sound good? Just in case they missed anything." Tachi was shoving his socks and his underwear into his backpack now, shoving his feet into his glitter grey sneakers, darting his eyes back and forth across the room, examining the cell that took what was left after Bad Luck was done with them.

"Oh, Tachi the victim. Right. I've heard this shit before. Poor fucking Tachi. Everything bad happens to him, he's even a victim of his own orgasms."

Tachi snarled and threw open the hotel door, started with burning ambition towards his car.

"Poor, poor, poor Tachi. He's never done anything wrong a god damn day in his life. Look at him. An innocent among all this chaos. Tell me, do you blame yourself for anything at all?"

"Go to hell!" He shouted and kept walking. His sneakers were sticking to the bottoms of his bare feet. He could feel eyes staring at him as he tried to remember where he parked his car.

"Get back here, damn you!" Ma-kun shouted, trapped by the hotel door, wary of it locking behind him. "I'm not paying for this fucking hotel room!"

"You have the big NG contract, you fucking rock star! You pay for it!"

"No!"

"Bastard!" Tachi reached his car, and dropped his backpack, realized he didn't know where his keys were. "God damnit!" And he dropped down and unzipped his pack, started to rummage around for his keys.

"Listen up everyone! I fucked Aizawa Tachi up the ass and he fucking loved it! You hear that Tachi? Everyone fucking knows. NG is filled with god damn queers Tachi, and you're one of them."

Tachi couldn't find his keys, he was starting to feel horrified, he was starting to wander around the cell he'd left behind him mentally. Had he dropped it? Was it under the bed? By the door? Near the sheets?

"Tachi..." Ma-kun's voice was softer. "Tachi, no wait. God damn it, Tachi. You make me so mad sometimes." He wasn't filled with rage anymore. "Tachi, come back here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay?"

Tachi started to rip his things out of his backpack in a frenzy, tossing them onto the pavement. He needed to get the keys before Ma-kun decided that he could risk the hotel door swinging shut behind him and locking them out.

"Tachi, god, please. Don't go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? I'm fucking scared, I don't know what to do. Don't go."

It sounded so sincere.

Tachi found his keys at the bottom of his pack, hurriedly tossed the rest of his things back into it.

He almost felt weak from relief. It took a few attempts to unlock the door, his hands were shaking so bad.

"Tachi!" Ma-kun's voice was pleading now. "Please. I didn't mean any of it. Don't go." The voice was nearer, and Tachi got into the car and locked the doors just as Ma-kun drew near.

Tachi shook his head 'no' and didn't look directly at Ma-kun. He didn't want to see Ma-kun's face.

Ma-kun was right. Tachi could ruin anything, even when he wasn't trying.

He drove away.

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