By: General Quistis & Zhakeena
Disclaimer: Do you really think we own FF7? We don't! Okay? We also don't own the songs that some of them are singing here…
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SETTING: Outside of ShinRa Mansion, wherein Cloud and co. minus Vincent are talking.
"So, is he all right, girls?" Cloud asked as Tifa and Aerith emerged from the Mansion.
"No, he… I mean, she's still crying over the fact that Lucrecia would never forgive him… I mean, her for that…" Aerith said, shaking her head.
"So now, he's… she's gonna lock HERself in HER coffin for another 30 years… or at least, she said so…" Tifa explained, shrugging.
"Hehehehe… why would he even be… I mean, why would she even be thinking about Lucrecia at this matter? *snicker* Some guy already admires her! I mean, Vinny is sexier than Tifa now! Ya know?! Bwahahahahahahahaha!" Barret teased.
"Oh no…" Red XIII muttered, turning away, sensing Tifa clenching her fists.
POW!
"Ow, Shi', FOO!" Barret cursed. Cid was laughing at the whole ordeal so hard he couldn't cuss anymore.
"Geez, maybe I'm going crazy, but I think that THEY'D BE SO FRICKIN' CUTE TOGETHER!!!!" Yuffie exclaimed, giggling.
Cloud sighed. "You are a sick, sick person, Yuffie…"
"Wait, you said that that foo's gonna lock herself up in that coffin for another 30 years?" Barret asked, turning to Tifa.
"Yeah, why?" Tifa asked while stifling a giggle.
"Well… what about Sephiroth? He's gonna be broken-hearted! *snicker*" Cloud said, finally giving in.
Everyone burst out laughing…
From a distance, a pair of green eyes peered through the darkness, eyeing Cloud and Co. angrily. "How dare you mock the sweetest of the sweetest girl I've ever seen…" he muttered to himself. "Her eyes are prettier than Aerith's… Voice is more melodious than Tifa's… and… for crying out loud, Vinny's body is more of a wonderland!!!!! Mwahahahahahahahaha!" His laughter was very loud, Cloud and the others heard it.
"Did you hear something?" Cloud asked.
"Something like Mwahahahahahahah!" Aerith answered, imitating the 'Mwahahahah' awkwardly.
"Hmmm… I think Vinny might have a visitor later…" Tifa said, narrowing her eyes.
"What do you mean by a $#@^*& visitor?!" Cid asked.
"Yeah, I kinda think you're right, Teef… what say some of us guard him… Oh… HER?!" Cloud suggested.
"Why prevent love from blossoming! Live and let live! Let the lil' lovebirds have their own way with their love!" Aerith said with a dreamy look on her face while trying to stifle a laugh.
"Heeheehee! But first, let's give Vinny a lecture about the birds and the bees! Heeheeheehee!" Yuffie giggled hysterically.
"Hahahahaha! And maybe Sephiroth might need that too! Hahahahahahahahahaha!" Tifa laughed.
The others laughed too.
Sephiroth could feel a nerve twitching from his head. "How dare you mock me… hmf!" he flipped his hair…
And he fell off the tree.
Fine, he's sitting on the tree and the hand he was using to hold on to a branch was the hand that he used to flip his hair, so he fell.
Cloud and co. heard a rustle.
"What was that?" Aerith asked.
"Maybe it's just a panther. Let's go to my old house," Cloud told them.
"I'll just be in my own house…" Tifa told them before going to the other direction.
"I'm comin' with ya!" Yuffie sprinted to Tifa.
Aerith scratched her head, wondering if she should remain with Cloud or hang-out with the girls, but she just decided to go with the girls. "See you guys tomorrow!" Aerith said, waving to the guys before running towards Tifa and Yuffie.
"Hah, nice goin' Strife, ya missed yer &^#$'in chance to score!" Cid mumbled to Cloud.
"Yeah, whatever Cid…" Cloud said.
Sephiroth snickered softly. "Cloud didn't score… but I sure will!" and turning his gaze to the ShinRa Mansion, he smiled impishly. "With my Vinny. Mwahahahahahahahahaha….." he continued.
Cloud jerked. "Did you hear that?" he asked.
"It's that Mwahahahahahahaha again," Red XIII said, imitating the laugh.
"Uh… maybe it's just an owl," Cid told them.
Sephiroth twitched. "I'm no Owl!" he stood up and marched to the ShinRa Mansion. Stealthily, of course. Better not ask for a crowd…
MEANWHILE, IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SHIN-RA MANSION…
Soft sobs emanated from the inside of Vincent Valentine's casket. "Stupid… feminine hormones… I'm not supposed to be this emotional!" he… or she sniffled.
Eyes adjusting in the dark, she tried to look down on herself. "I didn't think being like Tifa would feel so… funny…" he/she mumbled. (Damn these pronouns.)
Silence. Silence… Finally, Vincent felt like sleeping… maybe crying finally wore the ruby eyes out…
"Your body is a wonderland… Your body is a wonder, I'll use my hands…"Vincent's eyes shot WIIIIIIDE open. "Oh. My. God…"
And POOF! The lid of the casket popped open, causing Vinny to scream like, "AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" and it was so shrill and so loud that it reached Tifa's house and Cloud's house. Duh.
Vincent jumped up, landing FAAAR away from the visitor. "Wha… wha… WHOT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?!" she exclaimed.
The visitor, who was obviously Sephiroth, took a few moments to stop the ringing in his ears caused by Vinny's shrill shriek, then smirked. A few moments of silence afterwards; none of them made a move. "What, are we just gonna stare at each other all night?" Sephiroth asked.
Before he knew it, Vinny got the Death Penalty. "Well, I might. Just stare at your bloody carcass all night…" she said.
Sephiroth's smile grew wider. "You have no idea how seductive that sounded…"
Vincent wanted to scream again. "Oh no… instead of scaring him away, I ended up… ew… seducing him… I know what to do!" she thought with a bright idea before speaking up, "You know, I love your silver hair… It's very sexy and…" she trailed off when Sephiroth just took her in his arms and puckered up. "Oh yeah, I know that very well, Vinny Baby," he said.
Vincent was thinking, "Bad idea, Vincent… nice going… you thought that reverse psychology would ward him off, but NO! IT JUST FRIGGIN' WORSENED! AAAARGH!" and pushed Sephiroth away. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Vincent shrieked as he ran away.
Sephiroth flipped his hair. "Mwahahahahahaha! Playin' hard to get, eh? Mwahahahaha. Turns me on!" he said before running after Vinny.
All the while Vincent was running, she was all like, "This is NOT happening… How did the so-called great Sephiroth have a crush on me?! I'm a 6-foot tall man-turned-woman, for crying out loud!!! Oh, shi'!!! Why me?! Why me??????"
Unfortunately for Vincent, running as a woman was a bit hard for her. Fortunately for Sephiroth, all that SOLDIER training he did worked for him. He tackled Vincent from the back and was able to grab her roughly about the shoulders and—
"EEEEEEEK!!!! HELP!!! CLOUD! AERITH! TIFA! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HEEEEEELP!!!! RAPIST! RAPIST!!!!" she screeched, right on Sephiroth's face. Imagine how that felt on his poor ears…
***
MIDGAR
Rufus turned to the window with a perplexed look on his face. "What was that?" he asked.
"I dunno… it sounded like someone's getting raped or something… Gyah…" Heidegger replied with a sick expression on his face.
Rufus made a face. "Oh pooh! That's gross… find those two disgusting people who are making honky-honkies out there and ward them off." He told them.
"But why?" Heidegger asked.
"Honky-honky?" Rude thought silently.
"As much as possible, I'm trying to get Midgar clean, free of perverts and the like. Now, if it was outside of Midgar, that's a different story, but it's quite unlikely…"
Suddenly, Reeve came stumbling in the room, grasping the doorframe for dear life. He looked like he'd been through a hurricane.
"Gyah… Talked with Scarlet again, Reeve?" Heidegger asked with a teasing grin.
"Heheheheh… maybe he's the one getting raped by… SCARLET! *snicker*" Reno teased.
Rufus raised an eyebrow while trying to stifle a grin.
"N-no… T-trouble w-with the AVALANCHE c-c-crew…" Reeve replied.
"Why? What about that bunch?" Elena asked.
"W-well… I was checking up on Cait Sith when he heard a really, really, REALLY loud scream… I don't know, but for some strange reason…" Reeve trailed off, still shaking, ears ringing.
"What? What? Please finish your sentences, Reeve," Rufus said, frowning.
"Well… That ex-Turk Vincent Valentine turned into a woman and is now being sexually harassed by ex-SOLDIER Sephiroth as we speak…" Reeve said. Man, you could have sworn he has spirals for his eyes. Now we know why Vincent didn't choose to scream…
"HEY HEY HEY!!!!" Reno exclaimed, that glint in his eyes showing again. "C'mon, show us Cait Shit's… I mean, Cait Sith's monitor!" he convinced Reeve as he shook him frantically.
Reeve pushed Reno away from himself. "Ugh… get away from me! That's disgusting! Vincent is a MAN!" he reasoned.
"You mean, was a man!" Reno corrected.
"Stop it, Reno." Rufus snapped before turning to Reeve. "Pardon me, Reeve… but, where the hell are they?" he asked.
"ShinRa Mansion, Nibelheim…" Reeve replied uneasily.
Rufus's eyes grew wide in awe and turned away, flipping his hair. "Man… that was some scream…" he said, trying to stop himself from laughing.
***
Sephiroth fell over from that UBER LOUD scream. "Ow…" he mumbled, trying to stop his poor ears from ringing. "Okay, I think I've gone deaf…" he muttered glumly as he slowly got up and looked around the hallway, realizing that he had lost Vinny. He cringed and clenched his fists and let out a dramatic "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" with a dramatic pose… You know those poses from the movies and there's lightning striking from behind? And he's standing on a cliff? Though he's really inside the house… duh… you get the picture.
He looked up at the ceiling with teary but determined eyes and smiled with a determined look on his face. "I have to find her!" he swore.
***
Tifa got up from her seat upon hearing someone knocking frantically on the front door. "Coming!" she called out before opening the door, and she gasped upon seeing Vinny standing there, looking disheveled. Tifa stopped herself from laughing, "Oh, so are you still a virgin?" she asked teasingly.
Vinny growled and pushed her aside, stepping inside and stomping her way to the kitchen where Yuffie and Aerith were eating their dinner.
Yuffie and Aerith's mouths dropped open upon seeing Vinny.
"Uh… what's the problem?" Yuffie asked.
"Hide me! Sephiroth is going to… to… OH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!" Vinny explained frantically.
Tifa covered her mouth to stop herself from laughing as she approached Vinny and got her hand. "Let's go upstairs, we'll hide you in my bedroom, he won't find you there, I promise," she said.
Vinny sniffed, the female emotions getting to her nerves already. She was actually crying and it made the girls' hearts sink.
***
Sephiroth stopped by the well and looked around, scanning the whole village. "I'm pretty sure she's in one of those houses… I need help… I'd better find her… I don't care about Mother anymore… I've found the girl of my dreams!" he said as he headed for Cloud's house and just barged in, surprising everyone inside.
Everyone was speechless as Sephiroth knelt down before Cloud and got his hands. "Please, please, please! I beg of you! Where is my Vinny Baby?" he asked.
Cloud raised his eyebrows, feeling so ridiculous.
Cid and Barret rushed out of the house so that their laughter wouldn't be heard.
"Eh… uhm… I don't know… but… did you really make her scream like that? Man, you must be good!" Cloud joked, not really knowing what to say or how to react.
Sephiroth got up and flipped his hair. "Hah! I haven't touched her yet… but I SOON WILL! I swear to JENOVA…" and faced Cloud again with a serious look on his face, "Please, help me… I promise I won't harm any of you any more! I'll be a good boy now!" he said.
"You're crazy," Cloud pointed out.
I'm not crazy! I'm just a little unwell…" Sephiroth sang.
"Oh… okay… figures… but anyway, your little girlfriend could be in… in ShinRa. You know? She kinda looks like Tifa, maybe Rufus thought that Vinny's Tifa… so…."
Sephiroth didn't let Cloud finish, he just screamed another dramatic "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! THAT SHIN-RA WILL TASTE THE MASAMUNE'S…."
"No, just kidding, man…" Cloud said, interrupting Sephiroth's dramatic monologue.
Sephiroth frowned, then unsheathed the Masamune anyway. "Okay, Cloud, seriously. Where is my soulmate?!?!" he demanded with a deranged look in his eyes and while tracing the katana's oh-so-sharp edge.
Cloud gulped. "Uh… I think she went at… uh… Tifa's house? Eheheh…"
"Tifa's house… hmm…" Sephiroth just walked out of the house.
Cloud started laughing.
Red XIII just shook his head in disbelief. "Oh dear… it's gonna be a long night…" he thought miserably.