Chapter 8: In which Simon has to think about things he doesn't want to over and over again
SUNDAY
"Hey," Kaylee called from across the yard.
Simon glanced up and was about to call back but his voice got caught in his throat. He didn't manage to find it until she ran up to him. Her hair was pulled up in a series of pink ribbons and braids, she was warring her teal kimono to keep of the slight early fall chill, a pretty pink shirt Simon had seen her wear a hundred times, and the most flattering denim jumper the boy'd ever seen. Of course, truthfully, it was the only denim jumper he'd ever seen.
"Kaylee," he finally managed to say as she reached them. "You're in a dress."
"Yeah," the girl said, beaming. She was also wearing makeup, nothing much, but her eyes seemed bigger and her lips shimmered. "Ya like it, my ma sewed it together fer me," She said playing with the pink ribbon lacing down the front.
"It's adorable," Simon said, finally coming to himself. "I can't think of any time . . . You look very pretty."
"Thank you," She said, "I gotta say that you and River are lookin' quite dapper yourselves. Dressed up for the service?"
"Ah yes," Simon said, glancing at River who'd been lent one of Joanne's long black skirts to go with her pain yellow shirt. Her hair was also tied back with a slip of yellow ribbon borrowed form Miriam. He'd dug out a suit coat and managed to find a clean white shirt. He didn't really understand why people dressed up for church, but today he was not going to let lack of understanding hinder his observance. "Everybody was going and we . . . ah . . . came too."
"Ya know, Shepard Book was asked ta preach," Kaylee said. "Don't know how many time's I've called him preacher and I ain't once heard him give a true sermon."
"That is," Simon stuttered, "Um, ironic."
"Guess we'll get ta see if he's any good with it."
Simon nodded. As pretty as Kaylee was, and as much as he loved looking at her, and as much as he usually was able to, quite easily talk to her, he found himself on this particularly brisk Sunday morning, unable to find a word to say.
He was very nervous about the church service; he hadn't been to one since River was baptized. And he was nervous about River, he could hear most of the godly, upstanding church members mutter as they passed him and his sister and by the way her eyes darted from spot to spot on the ground, he was pretty sure she could hear those mutterings too. The town was too small and the Frye family was too big for what had happened between Jack and River to have stayed privet. And he was ashamed that he was nervous because, he honestly believed, being afraid of a church service was about as silly as being afraid of bunny rabbits. Besides which, not going to see his friend and shipmate preach would have been extremely rude.
He desperately wished that he, like Mal, could have ignored the tolling of the church bells in this small town on moral grounds. Mal refused to go to services because he was furious at God for abandoning him, no one thought the less of him for it. Simon's excuse, however, was more along the lines of "I just never really found it necessary" which lead to a long discourse on the sin-nature of man and the mortal sin of arrogance.
Thankfully, before the silence became too awkward, the threesome was intruded upon by a fourth person. She was very pretty, about Kaylee's age. Tall and thin as a stick, she had long black hair and shallow brown eyes. "Well, Kaylee Frye, bao bei," She said, sweetly, putting her hand on Kaylee's shoulder. "Imagine my surprise ta see you here."
"Why'd ya be surprised, Peggy?" Kaylee asked defensively. "It's Sunday, I'm at church."
"Well, it's just," Peggy said, glancing at Simon as if he'd surely take her side in the argument. "We all know how you got off the planet."
"On a ship?" Kaylee asked.
"That's pretty much the only way to leave any planet," Simon observed, hoping to be supportive. He had no idea what was going on between these two girls, but he could recognize a snob when he saw one: the benefit, he mused, of an aristocratic childhood.
"Now who's this, then?" Peggy asked. "It's not Bester?"
"You know it ain't," Kaylee said. "And ya probably already know just who he is."
"But you'll still introduce me?" Peggy asked.
Kaylee sighed; Simon wished he hadn't said anything. "This here's Simon Tam and his sister, River."
"Pleased ta meet you," Peggy said, offering Simon her hand.
He shook it warily, "I'm sure the pleasure's mine," he lied.
"And this is River."
"Oh," Peggy laughed, shooting a knowing glance at Simon. "So this is River Tam."
"What do you mean?" Simon asked abruptly.
"Excuse me?" Peggy said, putting her hand on her somewhat unimpressive chest.
"You said that like, like . . ." Simon couldn't quite find the words, Kaylee, however, could.
"Like she was a joke or something," the mechanic said, taking an aggressive step forward. She looked like she was about to throw a punch in defense of River's reputation. Simon had never admired any other woman more than he admired Kaylee that moment.
"I'm sorry," Peggy said. "I just heard about what happened with her and Jack last night."
"What did you hear?" Kaylee demanded. "Gossip?"
"Word spreads."
"It don't have to," Kaylee insisted. "'For you come up here ta try and shame me outta this church, you ought'a look at yourself and see if you ain't gotten a little pleasure outta doin' something a little wrong."
"You can't compare a little talk with being a trollop," Peggy said.
"I never hurt nobody," Kaylee said honestly. "And I never, never, pretend ta be good and godly while doin' something damnable and dirty."
"Hum," Peggy said, turning around and heading into the church, where the first few bars of 'Fount of Every Blessing' were being pounded on an old piano, interrupting countless interesting conversations. "I suppose on Judgment day God will vindicate the righteous."
"Look forward to it," Kaylee smiled.
"Pride is a sin you know," Peggy said.
"One with which, I'm sure, you are well acquainted," Simon said. "It was nice meeting you."
With another brisk "hum" Peggy turned around and entered the church. By now, Kaylee, Simon and River were the only three outside of the whitewashed doors.
"Come on," Kaylee said, grabbing Simon's arm. "Jack saved us all seats near the back, 'case River, ah . . ."
"Wonderful," Simon said, smiling at Kaylee. She looked so amazing. Still he had to turn his head and look away: "River, come on."
"Do we get to sing?" the girl asked excitedly, jogging a few steps to catch up with her brother.
"As long as you sing the correct words to the song," Simon said. "I don't care how clever or funny or theologically accurate your substitutions are. Shepherd Book may not care anymore, but we're guests here, we need to be polite."
"Yes, Simon," she muttered, disappointed but obedient.
* * *
The first twenty minutes of the service were more horrible than Simon would have thought possible. River didn't sing the wrong lyrics; instead, after every hymn she leaned over to him and explained (not terribly quietly despite his shushing) what her improvements would have been. Jack found this habit extremely entertaining and laughed at just about everything she said, which only encouraged her. Simon could have dealt with the embarrassment produced by River; she was, after all, not really aware of her actions. However, his own ignorance as to the procedures and traditions in a frontier church made him feel not only conspicuous, but also inadequate. Kaylee would tug on his shirt to get him to sit and stand. She'd whisper in his ears the appropriate congregational response to the myriad greetings, blessings and prayers, all of which River seemed to know as if by instinct. Not a lot could make Simon Tam feel stupid, this church service did.
When Book finally stepped onto the pulpit, Simon let out a sigh of relief. He'd known the preacher for several months and had heard clippings of various sermons from the older man hundreds of times. Whatever came next, he figured he was prepared.
"I grew up with brothers," Book started. "There were four of us and we drove our mother crazy. None more than my brother, Steven, though. He was the second and seemed to be a magnet for trouble. As her hair grayed she told folks that it wasn't silvering, it was 'stevening'." The congregation laughed. "I remember one time Steven was playing with blocks. By playing, I mean stuffing them into an atmo vent." The congregation laughed again. "As providence would have it, that night there was a cold spell. My mother tried to turn up the heat, but nothin' happened. For nearly a week we shivered and no one could figure why the atmo wasn't working properly.
"Finally, my father had enough. On the seventh day of our family ice age a repairman came and looked at the controls. Nothin' wrong there. He looked at the furnaces, nothin' wrong there. Finally, he looked at the vents." The congregation chuckled. "My mother was so mad at us boys that she nearly tore out all of her stevened hair. She lined us up and ask who'd done it. No one said anything. Now, we all knew it was Steven, they were his blocks, we'd all seen him shove them in the vents, and his face was redder than a cherry, there was no doubt, even, I'm sure, in my mother's mind. But no one said anything. She told us that, unless the guilty brother stepped forward, she was going to punish us all. I saw Steven glanced at our oldest brother, Patrick, and Pat did the most wonderful thing I can think of. He said 'I did it.' He took the punishment."
The congregation was silent, drawn into a very predictable sermon about sacrificial love by the mildly amusing antidote, River among them. She seemed to soak up every word Book said, as if she'd never heard of grace before. Simon had never seen her so attentive; she'd never needed to concentrate fully on what anyone was saying; she'd always understood it as soon as it was out of their mouths. He wondered what she thought she was learning and wondered if he should be trying to learn something too. He wondered if faith would help or hinder River as she tried to get better. He wondered if a good God would let an innocent girl be tortured and scarred the way River was. He wondered if an inattentive God could be a god at all. He wondered what kind of evidence could successfully be presented for or against a good God, or any type of God. He wondered if choosing to be an atheist after some sort of trauma wasn't a perverted kind of faith. In short, he wondered through the whole sermon and couldn't have recalled a word if River's life depended on it.
Kaylee tugged his shirt, pulling him out of his wondering, and nodded that they were about to stand. He was able to rise with congregation, accept a benediction, and breathe easier as the service was finally over.
"I thought he did real good," Kaylee said, leading the way out of the pew in the back of the church. "Don't you?"
"Ah, yeah," Simon said uncertainly. "Very good."
"You didn't hear a word did you?" Kaylee said, smiling at him wisely.
Simon opened his mouth to defend himself, but realized that there was nothing to gain by lying to the extremely pretty girl. "No," He admitted guilty. "My mind sort of . . . wondered."
"Well, so long as you were thinkin' godly thoughts I think the shepherd'll forgive ya," she said, stepping out of the church and walking a few paces forward, away from the door, before she paused and waited for her pew-mates to catch up. "Ya were thinkin' godly thoughts, weren't cha?"
"Well, I was thinking about God," Simon said.
"Close enough," Kaylee said quickly before nodding towards Jack and River: "Ain't they cute?"
The boy and girl were dallying, walking slowly and whispering to each other quietly. Whatever they were saying, it was clear that the mistakes of last night had been forgiven or if not that, then at least forgotten. The two were closer than ever.
"I can't help but feel a deep sense of foreboding," Simon confessed. "She's going to be crushed when we leave."
"Naw," Kaylee said. "She smart enough ta know it's a fling."
"I don't feel confident in assessing what she knows and what she doesn't."
"Well," Kaylee said brightly changing the subject as River and Jack reached them. "I think it's time for lunch. How 'bout it Jack?"
"Lunch sound's just great," Jack said. "You finally gonna show us your spot?"
"Yup," Kaylee nodded. "Finally gonna show you my spot."
"Your spot?" Simon asked, a curious twinkle in his eyes.
"Yup," Kaylee nodded. "It's this grate place I know. Where I used to take all the boys."
"All the boys?" He was somewhat less enthused.
"With a waterfall," River said, smiling softly to herself. "Like kissing."
"Yeah, you can see Trickle Falls from my spot," Kaylee said, a little bewildered. "How'd ya know that?"
"That's how she described kissing last night," Simon explained quickly. "Like falling over a waterfall."
"That certainly sounds like praise ta me, Jack," Kaylee said, making her cousin blush.
"I didn't know you were so poetical," the boy said, turning to River, who's only response was to smile back mysteriously.
* * *
"I've found them, sir," Officer James said, jogging up to his commanding officer.
"Definite positive ID?" McMeal asked.
"Yes, sir," James replied. "They just got out of church."
"Out of church?" McMeal muttered. "So, there are other people?"
"A crowd, sir," James said. "But I do have good news concerning that."
"Yes?"
"They went off with only two companions," James said. "Woehlck is tracking them now, sir; they seem to be headed out of town. Frankly, sir, it looks like a picnic."
"A picnic," McMeal said. "How quaint. I hope they don't mind an interruption."
"Orders?"
"Call everyone back," McMeal ordered. "We're going to go get them while they're out of town. These two aren't natives, so no one should notice their disappearance so long as no one sees it. This needs to be a precision operation, quiet and as unnoticed as possible."
"Understood, sir," James said, nodding curtly.
"Good," McMeal replied. "Now go."
"Yes, sir."
* * *
"Kaylee," Simon said, reclining on an old wool blanket she'd brought. They'd spread it over the ground, which was covered in last year's fallen leaves, broken sticks, acorns, pinecones, and a host of other things that made the ground gross and uneven. But Simon didn't notice that as much as he noticed how pretty Kaylee was surrounded by the soft light that streamed in through the canopy of trees. She was so pretty that Simon was almost embarrassed to look at her, he knew he'd stare. So he focused his eyes in front of him about twenty yards, on River and Jack, who were wading in the cold, knee deep pool at the bottom of Trickle Falls "I'm sorry about yesterday."
"What?" Kaylee asked, turning to Simon, somewhat surprised.
"I wasn't fair, yesterday," Simon said, glancing up towards Kaylee and, as he knew it would, his gaze got caught in her deep russet eyes. "And I'm sorry."
"Oh," Kaylee said, laughing. "Your talkin' about with Henderson."
"I don't know who . . ."
"Ya fell in a lake," Kaylee said with a shrug. "That's bound ta make anyone snappy."
"Thanks for understanding," Simon said smiling up at her sweetly.
"Well," Kaylee said, glancing away from his soft blue eyes. "I wasn't exactly bein' reasonable. Henderson got all pushy and I," she sighed in disgust. "I suppose I was hopin' I could come home and not have ta be who I'd been. But that ain't happenin' and I got tetchy on account."
"When you say 'not have to be who you'd been,' what do you mean by that?"
"Aw, Simon, I don't . . ." Kaylee said, shaking her head and scrunching her nose. She was sitting, her back to a large oak tree, so that Simon, propped on his elbows, was looking upward at her.
"I want to know," the young doctor insisted kindly. "I don't mean to pry, and I'll understand if you don't want to tell me. But I can't imagine you ever being anyone but who you are."
She looked down at him curiously; Simon was compelled to explain further. "I mean," he stuttered, "You, you're not repressed, you don't pretend to be who you're not. You have a confidence in yourself. It's just, it's hard for me to think of you without that."
"You're sweet," Kaylee said, smiling down at him. "But it's not like that. Me and Henderson, we had a thing a long time ago and I guess that he jus'," she shrugged, "He thought it'd be ok with me if we had it again."
"What kind of thing?" Simon asked with not-so-innocent curiosity.
"Ah, ya know," Kaylee said. "He's a boy, I'm girl, we had a thing."
"So . . . you were dating him?" Simon pushed.
"Not . . . not datin', not really," Kaylee said. She was chewing on her lip and her eyes were scanning the leaves of the trees above her, obviously searching the lush, shimmering greenness for the perfect way to describe her relationship with Henderson. "We had fun together," Kaylee said, turning and looking at Simon. "Ya know, like boys and girls do."
"Like boys and girls do?" Simon asked, almost rhetorically. Kaylee didn't like his expression, it seemed cagey and cool to her, and she didn't like being looked at that way at all.
"We had sex, Simon," Kaylee said, her frustration at his questioning making her a little defensive. "We had fun sex. That's all."
"I see," Simon said, nodding, not moving his lips. It was a bad sign when he didn't move his lips. "And when I walked in on you, did I interrupt any of that 'fun sex'?"
"I told ya," Kaylee sighed with exasperation. "Henderson and me . . . he's got the greatest hoverboat ever, that's it. I ain't wanted ta sleep with him for years, certainly not yesterday."
"How many guys did you have 'fun sex' with?"
Kaylee was clearly taken aback by the question. She could understand Simon getting tetchy about Henderson. They did, after all, sort-of, kind-of, have a type-of understanding between them. They'd never discussed the terms of their relationship, exclusivity and so forth, but they hadn't had to. There really wasn't anyone available on Serenity that could draw them away from each other in the first place. And, in retrospect, his jealousy and suspicion were kinda cute. But now he was getting a little nosy and just a tad judgmental. "What do it matter?"
"What do you mean, 'what does it matter'?" Simon asked incredulously.
"You afraid I got some STD?" Kaylee asked. "I been checked--"
"I'm just curious," Simon said, pushing himself up so he was eye-to-eye with the pretty mechanic who seemed, for some reason, slightly less pretty than she had in the church yard.
"What, you wanna know where I've been?" Kaylee demanded.
"No," Simon said, clearly disgusted by her crude phrasing. "But, I . . ." he sighed and tried again. "You don't seem like the type."
"Like what type?" Kaylee asked.
There was no right answer to that question so Simon couldn't help but pick the wrong one. "You seem innocent."
Kaylee laughed, "So, I'm what, guilty?"
"You know what I mean."
"Maybe I don't. Maybe you should explain it."
"I don't want to play this game."
"Too late now," Kaylee observed. "Gotta at least finish the round."
"I'm surprised, ok?" Simon said simply.
"Surprised?"
"You don't seem like the kind of girl who would sleep around," he told her honestly. "You seem . . . well, I thought you'd have more self respect than that."
"What does havin' some fun behind a barn or under the bleachers or on the floor of a gorramn engine room have to do with self respect?" Kaylee demanded. "I can't respect myself if I know what I want and I get it?"
Simon shook his head, "You don't understand."
"And I suppose the doctor who went to school for so long and is such a genius, I suppose that he could explain it to silly little me."
"I'm not belittling you," Simon said angrily. "Stop putting words in my mouth."
"Ain't no need," Kaylee observed. "You got plenty a words in there."
"If we can't have an intelligent conversation then maybe we should just stop talking," Simon snapped.
"Oh, I was serious," Kaylee said. "I wanna know what I don't get about sex and self esteem and a host of other things I'm sure."
"Fine, then," Simon said angrily. "I'll tell you. Sex isn't just a good time. It means something. And who you have sex with and when and where, they all mean something."
"They don' have to," Kaylee interjected.
"It's not a
matter of choice," Simon insisted. "They
do mean something, say something about who you
are. And the fact you don't see it that
way, well, that says something about who you are, too."
There was a very icy pause
in the warm glen. The boy and the girl
stared at each other, eyes locked, neither willing to back down, both feeling
they had the moral high ground, neither willing to give an inch.
"Well," Kaylee said after a moment. "You seem to know so much. What does my 'loose' view of sex say about me?"
The doctor looked at her for a moment and then looked down at the blanket. "I respect you, Kaylee," He said, not glancing up at her. "You are beautiful and cheerful and . . . delightful."
"And a slut," the girl added.
"You're putting words in my mouth again," Simon said, glaring up at her angrily. "That's not fair."
"And I don't think it's fair of you ta change how you think about me when I ain't changed," the girl said. "This mornin' you stood up for me when Peggy called me a trollop, and now . . ."
"How did you get on the ship?" Simon asked pointedly.
"It don't matter," Kaylee insisted.
"I paid a fare to get on Serenity," Simon said. "A hundred and fifty credits."
"I remember," Kaylee spat.
"Do you remember I paid in cash? I did that because I knew I could be traced though my credit account. I was running as quickly and as far as I could get. River was smuggled in. She was unconscious, in a box, and woke up in Serenity. Neither of us entered the ship with particular dignity."
"I was humpin' the mechanic at the time, fella named Bester, in the engine room when Cap'n walked in," Kaylee said, unashamedly. "Weren't dignified, as you said, but I wasn't hiddin' nothin' and I wasn't expectin' anyone to do anything for me."
"I didn't expect anyone to do anything for me," Simon said annoyed.
"If that's what you say," Kaylee said, rolling her eyes.
"I think, maybe, we should just end this conversation," Simon said, trying to keep the anger out of his voice.
"'Cause it's gettin' mean?" Kaylee said.
"If we're going to talk about something we should do it intelligently," Simon said. "Not slinging insults at each other like children."
"Like you want ta have sex be?" Kaylee asked. "Cool and collected with its meain' all understood proper and appropriate."
Simon opened his mouth, searching for a response more sophisticated than 'Shut-up!', when he was interrupted by River screaming.
Simon and Kaylee's argument was instantly forgotten as they both jumped to their feet, expecting to have to save the poor girl from some one else or, just as likely, herself. But River didn't' look like she was hurt or afraid or even insane. She looked innocently and childishly excited.
"They're coming! They're coming," the young girl said, running frantically towards her brother, who caught her as she reached him. "They're almost here, Simon," she said excitedly. "And we'll fly away home, just like in the song."
"The song?" Simon asked, before remembering that they'd sung the spiritual 'I'll Fly Away' that morning in church; a realization that made him more nervous not less. "River, what are you saying?"
"We're going home," She said, smiling so broadly that Simon's natural sense of apprehension was almost overpowered.
"Serenity's locked up, sweetie," Kaylee said, stepping forward. "But if you need anything, I'm sure the captain will—"
"Not the ship," River said, "Home."
"My God, River," Simon said, his voice chilled. "What'd you do?"
"Simon and River Tam," a clear authoritative voice called from behind them. Simon and Kaylee turned to see a tall, muscular man in an official uniform holding a very large gun step out of the forest. "The Governor of Newhope demands you're presence immediately."
"See," River said. "They'll take us home, Simon. And Uncle Reggie will tell us stories and give us hot cocoa and we'll play tag with Genie and it'll be all better."
Simon knew that guards with guns rarely lead to bedtime stories, games of tag and hot coca, but was too worried about not being hauled off to prison, or possibly someplace a thousand times worse, to correct his sister. "Are we bound by law?" He demanded, squaring his shoulders and looking as intimidating as his slight frame would allow. He'd turned around to face the man and tried to keep River behind him. She, however, was not cooperating; she was trying to push her way past him, towards the armed man. He had to concentrate, had to focus, had to keep total possession of himself and control of the situation. If he let his considerable fear show for a second, he could quite possibly lose whatever advantages he had against the armed officer.
"No," the man said. "But you cannot refuse the Governor's request."
"Simon," River said, "Uncle Reggie sent him. He's taking us home."
"Home's not exactly a place we want to be, River," Simon said, not turning to look at his sister but keeping his eyes focused totally on the officer. "Give the Governor my apologies, but my sister and I are going to have to refuse the invitation."
"Simon," River pleaded, pulling on her brother's arm.
"That is not an option."
"Unless you have a warrant, it is," Simon said forcefully.
"I wanna see Uncle Reggie," River pleaded.
"Who's Uncle Reggie?" Kaylee asked.
"Who's this girl?" the officer demanded.
"She's nobody, just a pretty girl," Simon said quickly, answering the officer. "Since you can't arrest us, please leave."
"Your godfather said you'd resist us," the officer said. "Don't make me use violence."
"Simon, what's going on?" Kaylee demanded.
"My godfather would strip you of your office if you hurt either River or me," Simon said with the confidence of someone who knows a bluff when they see it.
"But he wouldn't if we hurt her," the officer said, nodding his head. An until-that-moment unnoticed man stepped out of the trees to Kaylee's right and, before anyone could react, gabbed her arm roughly. He had a large handgun in his other hand and was holding it so everyone could see that he was perfectly equipped to hurt Kaylee as severely as necessary.
"No," Simon said, his voice, and heroic façade, cracking. "Don't hurt her, she's . . ."
"A very unfortunate bystander if you don't come with us."
"Simon," Kaylee whimpered. She was trembling.
"We won't," the boy said, as much to the pretty girl as to the officer. He was regaining his confidence, but it was clear that Kaylee's position made him nervous; he kept glancing at her out of the corner of his eyes. "You can't hurt her, she's a free citizen of this planet. The Governors guard does not go around assaulting free citizens."
"Simon?" Kaylee said again, fearful tears were streaming down her cheeks.
"Ce lve hong se," the officer shouted. And then several things happened at once. The man who was holding Kaylee, raised his pistol and cracked the pretty mechanic on the head. She fell, unconscious to the ground. Simon saw this and tried to rush to her, but before he got even a step closer, someone tackled him from behind. He was slammed onto the ground hard enough to knock the breath out of him. He heard River scream as someone grabbed her, but her scream was cut short, presumably because she'd been gagged or, perhaps, knocked unconscious. Simon felt his hands being pulled behind his back, he knew in a matter of seconds he's be handcuffed and practically helpless. With all the strength he could muster, he tried to shove off the large man on his back. This resulted in a sharp pain at the back of his neck that made his vision blur. He tried to move again, purely out of instinct, and another sharp pain in the back of his neck made the world go black.
To Be Continued. . . .