Voldemort's Really, Really Bad Day
A Sequel to Dumbledore's Really, Really Bad Day
By The Mysterious Ms. Obvious
************************************
Voldemort was feeling pissy. Why? He had been rejected. He had entered his rapping demo under the name of Tom "Voldie" Riddle to both Bad Boy Records and Death Row Records, and he had received letters back from both. Voldemort had been excited, expecting to read letters asking for him to record a single, but it was a no-go. Instead, the letters had said the following, both nearly exactly identical:
"deer Tom "Voldie" Riddle --
we regrett 2 inform u dat yo demo sucked ass. neva send us dat shit again, or us and mah homies will track u down and cover yo ass n graffiti. b sides, no1 likes white rappers n e 'mo. go kill yo funky self.
p. s. u really ugly, u no dat?"
After he had received the letters and read the postscript at the bottom, he had forced his servant, Wormtail, to undergo another ritual which called for him to cut off his other hand. Voldemort was laughing hysterically after the ritual, because the hand was not necessary. He, however, had supplied Wormtail with another hand, though this one was real, and not made of silver. Voldemort had now been transformed into his old 16-year-old self.
"Oh, well," Voldemort said to himself, pruning in a mirror. "At least I'm hot. The fangirls should be here any moment now!"
The fangirls never came. Voldemort cried, dressed in his robes and cloak, went downstairs, and sat at the kitchen table. He was hungry. He looked around for his servant.
"Wormtail! In the kitchen, now!" he yelled.
Wormtail, sobbing, entered slowly through the kitchen door. He was shaking all over, and looking as if he was about to be sick.
"Y-yes, master?" he cried.
Voldemort frowned. "What did I tell you to call me?"
"M-master V?"
"That's right…and who are you?"
"Y-your bitch?"
"Right! Now, make me an omelet. And some bacon while you're at it," Voldemort said, picking up the new copy of the Daily Prophet from the kitchen table. He unfolded it and read the front page as Wormtail shuffled over to the fridge and took out eggs, cheese, ham, and bacon.
"Hmm…Harry Potter dives across the street to save a puppy. How heroic of the little twit," Voldemort said with great rancor in his voice. "Harry Potter clears Sirius Black's name. Harry Potter discovers the cure to the common cold. Harry Potter wins the lottery and donates it to the Salvation Army in order to help starving Muggle children all over the world."
Wormtail was shaking as he cracked open a few eggs into a frying pan, waiting for Voldemort's rage to take him over. It did.
Voldemort stood up suddenly, knocking his chair to the floor. He slammed the paper on the table, his eyes flashing with rage.
"Damn that Harry Potter! Why is it HE who's always the hero?! Why? Why can't I get just ONE moment of glory?!" he yelled.
"Actually, sir…er…Master V…you're the most feared wizard of all time. You're world-famous," Wormtail said in a small voice, starting to fry the bacon.
Voldemort turned suddenly to him in rage. Wormtail flinched and waited for the Crutacius Curse to hit him, but it never did. Instead, Voldemort folded his arms over his robes and hummed thoughtfully.
"Hmm…you're right, Wormtail. I AM rather famous, aren't I?" Voldemort said. Wormtail looked up and nodded. "But…famous as I am, my demo was not good enough for those damn CEOs!" Wormtail flinched again.
"I thought you were rather good, Master V. You have mad skills," Wormtail said quietly.
"If you would've just bought me those REAL turntables instead of those cheap ones from Sears, this never would've happened!" Voldemort cried angrily. "It's all your fault! I shall take my anger out on you now! Crucio!"
Voldemort attempted to pull out his wand from his robes, but it just occurred to him that he had left it upstairs on his end table. Wormtail let out a sigh of relief. Voldemort, however, was still upset. He decided to injure Wormtail the good, old-fashioned way: kick his ass. Voldemort let out a war cry as he leapt on Wormtail, who let out a scream. For fifteen minutes straight, Voldemort beat Wormtail unmercifully. Suddenly, the chime of the stove went off.
"Ah! Omelet's done. Wormtail, put my breakfast on a plate and bring it to the table. Get me my coffee, too," Voldemort said, standing up and brushing off his robes. He walked back over to the kitchen table, sat down, and began to read the Comics section. Wormtail, bloodied and bruised, stood up shakily, and did as Voldemort had asked. He brought the plate of food and Voldemort's favorite cup (the one with the smiley face and the words "Voldie's #1" stamped across it) full of coffee to Voldemort.
"Hahaha! Those Peanuts kids always get into the wackiest shenanigans!" Voldemort said in corny humor as he flipped through the comics page. "It'd be really funny if Woodstock died. I hate that bastard." Wormtail set the plate and cup in front of Voldemort. Voldemort picked up his cup of coffee, took a long sip, and spit it out all over the table. Wormtail cried and fell to his knees.
"Something wrong, Master V?" he sobbed.
Voldemort wiped his mouth and looked down at his cup of coffee. "Wormtail, what is in this coffee?" he asked silkily.
"Erm…" Wormtail mumbled.
"Wormtail, is this straight, black coffee?" Voldemort said calmly.
"Er…yes, Master V. I'm so sorry, Master V! I'll go and put some sugar and crè-" Wormtail was suddenly cut off as Voldemort threw the coffee cup in a fit of rage across the room and hit Wormtail right between the eyes, knocking him unconscious. Wormtail fell to the ground, face-up and spread-eagle, coffee dripping all over his dark gray robes.
"Hmph," Voldemort scoffed, smoothing out the Daily Prophet with a flick of his wrists and returning back to the Comics page. "Stupid jackass. Just because I'm evil and I drink unicorn blood doesn't mean I like to drink Folder's with no crème or sugar."
Twenty minutes later, Voldemort had eaten his breakfast, washed up, pruned in the mirror some more, and awoken Wormtail.
"Come, Wormtail. We're going out. I feel like killing someone. And maybe we can go get some new robes and ice cream, while we're at it," Voldemort said after he had awoken Wormtail by kicking him hard in the ribs.
"Out, Master? Master, pardon my ignorance, but I don't think that's such a good idea! You could get hurt! Someone will see you!" Wormtail cried, quickly standing up.
"Wormtail, no one will recognize me. Don't you remember the ritual we did? I'm in my sixteen-year-old form. No one will know me. Of course, I might be stalked by a large crowd of fangirls, since I'm a hot guy and all, but that's the worst that can happen."
"Erm…yes, Master."
"You think I'm hot, don't you, Wormtail?" Voldemort said suddenly.
Wormtail looked up abruptly, his eyes wide. "Excuse me, Master?"
"Do you think I'm hot?" Voldemort repeated.
Wormtail hesitated. He was in a bad scenario. If he said "no," Voldemort would surely kill him. If he said "yes," Voldemort would never look at him the same way again. In fact, he would probably never let him give Voldemort his daily bubble bath ever again.
"Er…I'm sure others would find you to be so," Wormtail said quietly.
"So you don't think I am…?" Voldemort asked, looking crestfallen.
"No, no, of course not, sir!"
"So you think I am?"
"Er-"
"There's a good lad! Now, go get your cloak, and let's go!"
Wormtail quickly got his black cloak from the cloak rack, put it on, and followed Voldemort out the door. It was a nice day outside in the small, English, Muggle suburban. A little Muggle girl, who rode by on her bike, stared at Wormtail and Voldemort. As she did so, she lost control of his bike and crashed into a tree. Voldemort laughed loudly as she did so.
"Stupid Muggle girl," he said as he retrieved two broomstick from behind the bushes. One was a brand-new Firebolt; the other, a crappy piece of rubbish, also known as a Shooting Star. Voldemort handed the Shooting Star to Wormtail.
Suddenly, the old Muggle lady that lived beside them came out from her house with a pitcher to water her flowers with. She smiled at Voldemort and waved.
"Hello, Tom, dear! My, you look a little different. Did you get a haircut?" she called.
"Hello, Ms. Thibling! Yes, I did get a haircut. Lovely weather, is it not?" he called back in a sappy the-boy-next-door voice.
"Oh, yes, it is!"
"Well, Peter and I are off! See you later, Ms. Thibling!"
"Bye, dears!" she called. She took no notice as Voldemort and Wormtail mounted their brooms and flew off into the sky. "Such a nice gentleman," she said to herself as she watered her tulips.
Voldemort and Wormtail flew over London, not really caring if Muggles saw them or not. Finally, they came to a small park and landed under a tree.
"So, Wormtail, who shall we kill? A Muggle or a wizard?" Voldemort asked, leaning his Firebolt against the tree.
"Er…perhaps a wizard, this time?" Wormtail said apprehensively. "We haven't killed a witch or wizard in quite a while."
"Good idea. Who should we kill? Harry Potter? No, I've tried that five times already. Dumbledore…? No, he kind of scares me. What about…oh, wait, never mind. I killed him already," Voldemort said, running down the list. "Any suggestions, Wormtail?"
Wormtail thought. "Er…what about Lupin? Remus Lupin?"
"Ah, Lupin. Your old school friend. Well, you betrayed one, might as well betray another!" Voldemort laughed. Wormtail shifted uneasily. "Alright, then, Remus Lupin is next on our list! Muahahahahahaha!" Voldemort laughed evilly for five minutes straight. Satisfied that he appeared sinful enough during this time period, he picked up his Firebolt and mounted it. "Come, Wormtail!"
"Yes, sir," Wormtail said, now looking quite miserable.
Suddenly, just before Voldemort and Wormtail took off again, a cute, fuzzy squirrel scurried past them. It stood in front of Voldemort, its large black eyes gleaming at him, and offered him the acorn that he had been chewing on with his fuzzy paws. Voldemort glowered.
"Avada Kedavra!" he cried, pulling his wand from his robes. There was a flash of green light, and the squirrel exploded into a thousand tiny, bloody pieces. Wormtail stared at the squirrel remains, his eyes wide.
"Let's be off!" Voldemort said casually. Wormtail nodded vigorously, his eyes still locked on the spot where the squirrel had been sitting. They remounted their brooms and took off again.
Soon, they were flying over the Welsh countryside. There was nothing here, really, except for miles of rolling green hills.
"So, Wormtail, where can we find this Remus Lupin?" Voldemort asked, blowing up a few cows with the Killing Curse casually as they flew over.
"Well…I've heard that he's part of the Order of the Phoenix, and they're supposedly at Hogwarts right now. But, I don't think-" Wormtail started.
"Excellent! He shouldn't be hard to find, then," Voldemort said happily. "Oh, I can't wait to kill him! Let's torture him first, then we'll kill him. After that, let's go get some ice cream. I know this nice little shop in London that has the best ice cream in Britain. I personally enjoy the Mint Chocolate Chip, myself."
"But, Master, I-"
"Hey, hey, hey!!" Voldemort scolded.
"…Master V…please, sir, I don't think we should go to Hogwarts. I mean, Dumbledore is there (not to mention his entire staff), the Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter, and over a thousand students, too," Wormtail pleaded.
"Wormtail?"
"Yes, Master V?"
"Shut the hell up."
"Y-yes, Master V."
Within a couple of hours, Voldemort and Wormtail had made their way to Scotland. They were almost to the Hogwarts grounds; it was just a couple of meters away, when…WHAM! Voldemort collided face-first into a tree. He fell down to the ground, and landed face-up. His broom fell on top of him.
"Master!" Wormtail cried. He quickly flew to the ground, dismounted, and ran to Voldemort's side. "Are you okay, Master?"
"Fine," Voldemort said, picking himself and him broom up. "Damn tree. Who was stupid enough to put that tree right there?!"
"Er, Master…?"
"What?!"
"We're here."
They looked up at the great castle that was Hogwarts. A few students were running around outside, some with food in their arms, some studying, some just laying around doing nothing. It was obviously lunchtime.
"It must be lunchtime," Voldemort said.
Wormtail nodded. "Brilliant deduction, sir."
"Thank you. Well, let's go find this guy, wherever the hell he is."
Voldemort and Wormtail made their way to the entrance of Hogwarts. Every single student that was outside stopped and stared at them as they made their way up.
"Ah, look at these students. They can barely resist me," Voldemort said in a narcissist manner.
"Er…I think they know who you are," Wormtail whispered.
"Don't be ridiculous, Wormtail."
They made their way inside the school. Once again, every student stopped and stared, most dropping whatever they were carrying in shock. Wormtail and Voldemort made their way to the Great Hall, where most of the students were eating. As they pushed open the heavy doors, the garrulous hall went completely silent. Voldemort smiled at them all, then made his way between the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables, with Wormtail, up to the High Table. Everyone watched silently as he finally stopped in front of the staff table. There were, of course, the teachers, then Dumbledore, and finally, the Order of the Phoenix, all standing behind Dumbledore.
Voldemort cleared his throat. "I am here to collect Remus Lupin. I will kill him now."
Quiet whispers rippled the hall. Remus, who was standing at Dumbledore's side, flinched slightly and gave an extremely worried look. Dumbledore stood abruptly.
"Voldemort," he said loudly. "What do you want?"
Voldemort raised an eyebrow. "I just told you, you dipshit. I'm here to take Remus Lupin, torture him, and kill him."
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Oh, sorry. Anyway…I will not allow you to take Remus. Go back to where you came from and never come to Hogwarts again."
"I'm afraid I cannot allow that," Voldemort said wickedly, taking out his wand and pointing it directly at Dumbledore. "Hand him over, or I'm afraid that I will be the reason of your demise."
'Oh, yeah,' Voldemort thought to himself. 'That was evil AND cool.'
"Don't hurt Dumbledore!" Remus said suddenly, running out from behind him and standing in front of Voldemort. "If you wish for me to go, I will."
"Very good, then. Come along. Wormtail, escort him, please."
Wormtail took out his wand and pointed it at Remus. "Go on, Moony," Wormtail said quietly.
"WHAT?!" Voldemort yelled suddenly, turning to Wormtail in rage. The entire hall gasped in horror. Wormtail sobbed.
"Y-yes, Master?"
"How dare you call our hostage by his affectionate childhood name! You shall call him by his REAL name, preferably his LAST name. It sounds more evil and rude. Now, come on!!" Voldemort said angrily.
Wormtail cried as his pushed Remus along behind Voldemort. The three left through the Great Hall, Wormtail closing the doors behind him. The hall remained silent.
"Albus," Professor McGonagall said, aghast, "what just happened?"
"It appears that Voldemort and Wormtail has just taken Remus Lupin and they are now holding him hostage, possibly to torture and/or kill him," Dumbledore said.
"Thank you for that obvious statement, Dumbledore. Should we help him?" McGonagall asked.
"Of course not. We all know that Harry Potter will risk his ass to save his favorite former professor in a very heroic manner, and, after he brings him back, I will make a big speech about bravery or love or some shit like that, and award Gryffindor a shmillion points," Dumbledore said casually.
"Ah, of course," McGonagall said.
Suddenly, Sirius (who has his named cleared, mind you; didn't you hear the headlines Voldemort was reading?) entered the Great Hall, since he was visiting Hogwarts for no reason whatsoever, eating from a bag of chips.
"Hi," he said, taking in the scene. "What'd I miss?"
"Oh, for God's sake already, how many times must I explain it?! Voldemort and Wormtail just took Remus Lupin and is now holding him hostage!" Dumbledore said quickly.
Sirius dropped the bag of chips he was eating from. He threw himself against a wall and began to cry loudly and shake with sorrowful spasms.
"Why, why, WHY?! Dear lord, why?! Why Remus?! Of all people! Why can't I die, instead?!" he cried loudly. Dumbledore sighed.
"I knew he would do that," he said, shaking his head.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the Forbidden Forest, Voldemort and Wormtail were torturing Remus, Italian Mafia style. Literally. They had him tied to a chair (they just happened to find a chair out in the middle of the woods), and Wormtail was holding up his lit wand above his head while Voldemort was questioning Remus and slapping him across the face.
"Now, Lupin, for the last time, what is the square root of pi cubed times XY in the quadratic formula?!" Voldemort yelled angrily.
"I told you, I don't know," Remus said.
Voldemort slapped him hard across the face. A little too hard, in fact. Voldemort had hurt his hand.
"Damn it…okay, Wormtail, this is getting old. Let's torture him some other way," Voldemort said, shaking out his stinging hand.
"Maybe you can rap," Wormtail suggested.
"WHAT!!" Voldemort yelled angrily. "Are you saying that I can't rap?!"
"No, no, Master, of course not! I'm just saying that I know Moony…er…Lupin hates rap," Wormtail said, flinching.
Voldemort crossed his arms and hummed thoughtfully. "All right, then. You will have to help me, Wormtail. Prepare to be tortured, Lupin!"
Remus's amber eyes went wide as Voldemort summoned a mic from thin air, stood in front of him, and started his routine.
"Yo, yo, yo, yo. Yeah, come on, yeah, come on," Voldemort started.
"Nooooooo!!" Remus cried, trying to break free from the restraints.
"Yeah, yeah! V to da izzo, M to da izzay!"
"Dis mah homie Voldemort, so get yo damn hands up!" Wormtail rapped, summoning his own mic.
"V to da izzo, M to da izzay! I'm Voldemort so get yo damn hands up!"
"Yeah, yeah, come on, come on!"
Remus was in tears now, still kicking as he was trying to free himself from the binds.
"Hello," Wormtail said.
"My name is who?"
"Hello."
"My name is what?"
"Hello."
"My name is *chika chika* T. Riddle!"
Remus slumped against the chair, defeated. "Stop, please, stop…have mercy," he muttered through tears.
Voldemort and Wormtail laughed.
"I finally have my revenge on you, Lupin! Now I'm even!" Wormtail yelled.
"Revenge against what? I never did anything distasteful to you," Remus said, looking up.
Wormtail suddenly went silent, a quizzical look on his face. Voldemort stepped forward.
"Now, Remus Lupin, it's time for you to die," Voldemort said, taking out his wand. Remus's eyes went wide again. "On second thought," Voldemort said, slipping the wand back into his robes, "I'm getting bored with the Killing Curse. Let's kill him slowly and painfully, instead."
"Okay!" Wormtail said enthusiastically. "But…how?"
"Hmm…how SHOULD we kill him? Any sort of weaknesses he has?" Voldemort asked, pacing.
"Well…he's a werewolf," Wormtail stated.
"Brilliant!" Voldemort declared. "Now, what is it that kills a werewolf?"
"Er…garlic?" Wormtail asked.
"No, that's a vampire," Voldemort said.
Suddenly, a razor-sharp sword with a pure-silver blade and a brass handle fell from the sky into Remus's lap for no reason whatsoever. Voldemort and Wormtail took no notice.
"What about kryptonite?" Wormtail asked.
"No, that's the weakness of some stupid Muggle thingy," Voldemort said with malice.
Remus carefully picked up the sword, careful not to touch the silver blade, and cut himself free from the chair.
"A cross?"
"Vampires, again…"
Remus dropped the sword to the ground and ran. He quickly ran away, as quietly as he could possibly be.
"Oh, I know! Silver!" Wormtail said.
"Yes, that's it! Where's that silver sword that dropped from the sky for no reason whatsoever?" Voldemort asked, turning back to Remus. His jaw dropped at the empty chair, cut ropes and the silver sword laying in the seat.
"Damn it! He got away!" Voldemort cried, glaring at the empty chair.
"Maybe we can catch up with him. We still have our brooms," Wormtail suggested.
Voldemort sighed. "Fine. Let's go. But if he gets away again, it's the Crutacious Curse for you." With that, he mounted his Firebolt, Wormtail mounted his Shooting Star, and they took off. Voldemort collided with a few trees a couple of times, but he eventually got to the point of looking where he's going.
Meanwhile, Remus was leaning against a tree, breathing hard and clutching a stitch in his side. He listened carefully, and he heard the sound of footsteps snapping the twigs on the ground. Remus came out from behind the tree, wand raised, and cried, "Ricusempra!"
"Gaaaaah!" a sudden voice yelled. It was Harry. He was laying spread-eagle on the ground, his glasses beside him, shattered.
"Harry!" Remus cried, running to his side. "I'm so sorry! I thought you were Voldemort and Wormtail."
"S'okay, Professor Lupin," Harry said, despite the fact that Remus was no longer a professor.
"Er…Harry? You can call me Remus now."
"Can I? Really?!"
"Yeah. We've had this discussion already."
"Ah."
Harry stood up, dusted his robes off, and picked up his glasses. His slipped them on and frowned.
"My glasses are ruined."
"Let me help," Remus said, pointing his wand at Harry's glasses. "Oculus Reparo." Harry's glasses instantly repaired themselves. Harry looked amazed.
"Wow! I've seen that spell in action twice now, but I am still intrigued by its amazing display!" Harry said in excitement.
Remus just smiled. He liked Harry, but sometimes he proved to be a moron.
"What are you doing in the forest, Harry?"
"I am here to risk my ass to save my favorite former professor in a very heroic manner, and, after I bring you back, Dumbledore will make a big speech about bravery or love or some shit like that, and award Gryffindor a shmillion points," Harry said quickly. "Dumbledore explained it already while you were gone."
"Ah. Well, we better get out of here. Voldemort's not far behind," Remus said, looking around the forest for the view of Tom Riddle and Peter Pettigrew.
"Muahahahahahahaha!!" a sudden evil laughter rang out. Voldemort and Wormtail flew right in front of Harry and Remus and landed. Actually, it was Wormtail who landed and Voldemort who lost control of his broom, fell off, and quickly picked himself up again.
"There you are, Lupin," Voldemort said, pointing his wand at him. "Ah, and Harry, how nice of you to join us."
'I'm pretty good at this whole evil thing,' Voldemort thought to himself.
"It's Voldemort!" Harry cried. Voldemort raised an eyebrow.
"Er…yeah. Stand aside, Potter!"
"Never!" Harry cried heroically, raising his wand at Voldemort. "Expecto Patronum!" A stream of silver light came out of the end of his wand, which developed into a form of a stag.
Remus slapped his forehead. "Um…Harry?"
"Yes, Professor Lu-…I mean…Remus?" Harry said, trying to hold the spell out.
"That won't work on Voldemort. That's for dementors."
Everyone stood in silence for a moment. Then, Voldemort and Wormtail laughed.
"So, the famous Harry Potter can't…er…hey, Wormtail, what's a good insult?" Voldemort whispered to Wormtail. Wormtail shrugged.
"Anyway!" Voldemort yelled, turning back to Harry. "Prepare to die, both of you!"
"Stupefy!" Remus yelled, pointing the spell in the direction of Voldemort and Wormtail. The spell hit them instantly, knocking them unconscious to the ground.
"You did it, Profe-…Remus!" Harry cried.
"I guess I did, didn't I?" Remus said, smiling, quite proud of himself.
There was a moment of silence. Then, Harry pointed his wand at Remus and cried, "Obliviate!"
Remus fell to the ground. Harry quickly tore at the hems of his robes, making it look like it was a struggle. Then, Remus sat up, looking around.
"Harry…? What happened?" he asked, shakily standing up.
"It was horrible!" Harry cried. "Voldemort and Wormtail dragged you all the way out here, and I went looking for you! They were just about to kill you, when I found them! I put a spell on them that knocked them unconscious for now, but they can wake up at any moment! I'm so glad I found you, Remus. If it weren't for me, you'd probably be dead now."
Remus dusted off his robes. "Wow, Harry, that was really brave of you. I can't believe you risked your life to save mine. You didn't have to do that."
"I WANTED to," Harry said dramatically. "You're my favorite former professor, after all. I couldn't just let you die. To do so, I would have to be a selfish, craven coward."
Remus wiped away a tear from Harry's melodramatic speech. "Well, Harry, we better get these two back to the castle. We should hand them over to Dumbledore; he'll know what to do."
"We can't!" Harry cried suddenly. "I've got two more years to go! I have to finish off Voldemort in the seventh book in a dramatic display of heroism and chivalry!"
Remus looked at him peculiarly. "But-"
"Nope. Two more years to go."
Remus sighed. "Fine, come on then. It's time for Dumbledore to award your House a shmillion points."
"Right-o."
With that, Remus and Harry headed back to Hogwarts. Wormtail slowly woke up as they left, and looked over at the unconscious Voldemort.
"Master!" he cried, going to his side. "Don't worry, Master, we'll get you home!"
*****
Voldemort woke up later that day in his bed. Wormtail was standing over him, watching his every move.
"Wormtail, have you been watching me sleep in a creepy stalker-like way?" Voldemort said hoarsely.
"Oh, you're awake, Master. Actually, I…uh…" Wormtail said.
Voldemort raised his leg up and kicked Wormtail in the face. "Never, ever do that again."
Wormtail cried. "Yes, sir."
Voldemort sighed as he stood up. "What happened?"
Wormtail gulped. "Well…Lupin knocked us unconscious with a Stupefy Spell, and-"
"WHAT? I, Lord Voldemort, the most feared wizard of all time, was defeated by a spell that a first-year can do?!" Voldemort cried, standing up angrily.
"It was a very powerful-"
"Shut th' hell up, Wormtail!! I'm busy letting out my fury in a display of anger and rage!" Voldemort screamed.
Wormtail cowered. "Yes, sir."
Voldemort sighed and sat back down on his bed. Conveniently, there was today's issue of the Daily Prophet laying on the foot of his bed, although this one was all-knew and updated. Voldemort picked it up and read the front page.
"Harry Potter risks his life to save Remus Lupin, a former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, against Voldemort," Voldemort read with malice in his voice. "No, he didn't. Harry didn't do shit."
"A simple memory charm would fix that," Wormtail said quietly. Voldemort looked at him and glowered.
"I've had a really bad day, Wormtail. Why can't you just shut up for a while?" Voldemort said angrily.
"Yes, sir."
"And you know the worst part of all, Wormtail?!"
"What's that, sir?"
Voldemort wiped a lamentable tear from his eye. "I never got my ice cream."
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***Author's Note***
Wow. That was MUCH longer than Dumbledore's Really, Really Bad Day. I particularly liked this one better. Why? …I have no idea.
The reason I wrote this is because chochang913, PadfootPrankster13, Angel-eyes, and Marauder-girl halfway suggested I should. Such nice people. So you know what? I did. Muahahahaha. Go me.
Please review. I'd be very pleased if you did.
A Sequel to Dumbledore's Really, Really Bad Day
By The Mysterious Ms. Obvious
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Voldemort was feeling pissy. Why? He had been rejected. He had entered his rapping demo under the name of Tom "Voldie" Riddle to both Bad Boy Records and Death Row Records, and he had received letters back from both. Voldemort had been excited, expecting to read letters asking for him to record a single, but it was a no-go. Instead, the letters had said the following, both nearly exactly identical:
"deer Tom "Voldie" Riddle --
we regrett 2 inform u dat yo demo sucked ass. neva send us dat shit again, or us and mah homies will track u down and cover yo ass n graffiti. b sides, no1 likes white rappers n e 'mo. go kill yo funky self.
p. s. u really ugly, u no dat?"
After he had received the letters and read the postscript at the bottom, he had forced his servant, Wormtail, to undergo another ritual which called for him to cut off his other hand. Voldemort was laughing hysterically after the ritual, because the hand was not necessary. He, however, had supplied Wormtail with another hand, though this one was real, and not made of silver. Voldemort had now been transformed into his old 16-year-old self.
"Oh, well," Voldemort said to himself, pruning in a mirror. "At least I'm hot. The fangirls should be here any moment now!"
The fangirls never came. Voldemort cried, dressed in his robes and cloak, went downstairs, and sat at the kitchen table. He was hungry. He looked around for his servant.
"Wormtail! In the kitchen, now!" he yelled.
Wormtail, sobbing, entered slowly through the kitchen door. He was shaking all over, and looking as if he was about to be sick.
"Y-yes, master?" he cried.
Voldemort frowned. "What did I tell you to call me?"
"M-master V?"
"That's right…and who are you?"
"Y-your bitch?"
"Right! Now, make me an omelet. And some bacon while you're at it," Voldemort said, picking up the new copy of the Daily Prophet from the kitchen table. He unfolded it and read the front page as Wormtail shuffled over to the fridge and took out eggs, cheese, ham, and bacon.
"Hmm…Harry Potter dives across the street to save a puppy. How heroic of the little twit," Voldemort said with great rancor in his voice. "Harry Potter clears Sirius Black's name. Harry Potter discovers the cure to the common cold. Harry Potter wins the lottery and donates it to the Salvation Army in order to help starving Muggle children all over the world."
Wormtail was shaking as he cracked open a few eggs into a frying pan, waiting for Voldemort's rage to take him over. It did.
Voldemort stood up suddenly, knocking his chair to the floor. He slammed the paper on the table, his eyes flashing with rage.
"Damn that Harry Potter! Why is it HE who's always the hero?! Why? Why can't I get just ONE moment of glory?!" he yelled.
"Actually, sir…er…Master V…you're the most feared wizard of all time. You're world-famous," Wormtail said in a small voice, starting to fry the bacon.
Voldemort turned suddenly to him in rage. Wormtail flinched and waited for the Crutacius Curse to hit him, but it never did. Instead, Voldemort folded his arms over his robes and hummed thoughtfully.
"Hmm…you're right, Wormtail. I AM rather famous, aren't I?" Voldemort said. Wormtail looked up and nodded. "But…famous as I am, my demo was not good enough for those damn CEOs!" Wormtail flinched again.
"I thought you were rather good, Master V. You have mad skills," Wormtail said quietly.
"If you would've just bought me those REAL turntables instead of those cheap ones from Sears, this never would've happened!" Voldemort cried angrily. "It's all your fault! I shall take my anger out on you now! Crucio!"
Voldemort attempted to pull out his wand from his robes, but it just occurred to him that he had left it upstairs on his end table. Wormtail let out a sigh of relief. Voldemort, however, was still upset. He decided to injure Wormtail the good, old-fashioned way: kick his ass. Voldemort let out a war cry as he leapt on Wormtail, who let out a scream. For fifteen minutes straight, Voldemort beat Wormtail unmercifully. Suddenly, the chime of the stove went off.
"Ah! Omelet's done. Wormtail, put my breakfast on a plate and bring it to the table. Get me my coffee, too," Voldemort said, standing up and brushing off his robes. He walked back over to the kitchen table, sat down, and began to read the Comics section. Wormtail, bloodied and bruised, stood up shakily, and did as Voldemort had asked. He brought the plate of food and Voldemort's favorite cup (the one with the smiley face and the words "Voldie's #1" stamped across it) full of coffee to Voldemort.
"Hahaha! Those Peanuts kids always get into the wackiest shenanigans!" Voldemort said in corny humor as he flipped through the comics page. "It'd be really funny if Woodstock died. I hate that bastard." Wormtail set the plate and cup in front of Voldemort. Voldemort picked up his cup of coffee, took a long sip, and spit it out all over the table. Wormtail cried and fell to his knees.
"Something wrong, Master V?" he sobbed.
Voldemort wiped his mouth and looked down at his cup of coffee. "Wormtail, what is in this coffee?" he asked silkily.
"Erm…" Wormtail mumbled.
"Wormtail, is this straight, black coffee?" Voldemort said calmly.
"Er…yes, Master V. I'm so sorry, Master V! I'll go and put some sugar and crè-" Wormtail was suddenly cut off as Voldemort threw the coffee cup in a fit of rage across the room and hit Wormtail right between the eyes, knocking him unconscious. Wormtail fell to the ground, face-up and spread-eagle, coffee dripping all over his dark gray robes.
"Hmph," Voldemort scoffed, smoothing out the Daily Prophet with a flick of his wrists and returning back to the Comics page. "Stupid jackass. Just because I'm evil and I drink unicorn blood doesn't mean I like to drink Folder's with no crème or sugar."
Twenty minutes later, Voldemort had eaten his breakfast, washed up, pruned in the mirror some more, and awoken Wormtail.
"Come, Wormtail. We're going out. I feel like killing someone. And maybe we can go get some new robes and ice cream, while we're at it," Voldemort said after he had awoken Wormtail by kicking him hard in the ribs.
"Out, Master? Master, pardon my ignorance, but I don't think that's such a good idea! You could get hurt! Someone will see you!" Wormtail cried, quickly standing up.
"Wormtail, no one will recognize me. Don't you remember the ritual we did? I'm in my sixteen-year-old form. No one will know me. Of course, I might be stalked by a large crowd of fangirls, since I'm a hot guy and all, but that's the worst that can happen."
"Erm…yes, Master."
"You think I'm hot, don't you, Wormtail?" Voldemort said suddenly.
Wormtail looked up abruptly, his eyes wide. "Excuse me, Master?"
"Do you think I'm hot?" Voldemort repeated.
Wormtail hesitated. He was in a bad scenario. If he said "no," Voldemort would surely kill him. If he said "yes," Voldemort would never look at him the same way again. In fact, he would probably never let him give Voldemort his daily bubble bath ever again.
"Er…I'm sure others would find you to be so," Wormtail said quietly.
"So you don't think I am…?" Voldemort asked, looking crestfallen.
"No, no, of course not, sir!"
"So you think I am?"
"Er-"
"There's a good lad! Now, go get your cloak, and let's go!"
Wormtail quickly got his black cloak from the cloak rack, put it on, and followed Voldemort out the door. It was a nice day outside in the small, English, Muggle suburban. A little Muggle girl, who rode by on her bike, stared at Wormtail and Voldemort. As she did so, she lost control of his bike and crashed into a tree. Voldemort laughed loudly as she did so.
"Stupid Muggle girl," he said as he retrieved two broomstick from behind the bushes. One was a brand-new Firebolt; the other, a crappy piece of rubbish, also known as a Shooting Star. Voldemort handed the Shooting Star to Wormtail.
Suddenly, the old Muggle lady that lived beside them came out from her house with a pitcher to water her flowers with. She smiled at Voldemort and waved.
"Hello, Tom, dear! My, you look a little different. Did you get a haircut?" she called.
"Hello, Ms. Thibling! Yes, I did get a haircut. Lovely weather, is it not?" he called back in a sappy the-boy-next-door voice.
"Oh, yes, it is!"
"Well, Peter and I are off! See you later, Ms. Thibling!"
"Bye, dears!" she called. She took no notice as Voldemort and Wormtail mounted their brooms and flew off into the sky. "Such a nice gentleman," she said to herself as she watered her tulips.
Voldemort and Wormtail flew over London, not really caring if Muggles saw them or not. Finally, they came to a small park and landed under a tree.
"So, Wormtail, who shall we kill? A Muggle or a wizard?" Voldemort asked, leaning his Firebolt against the tree.
"Er…perhaps a wizard, this time?" Wormtail said apprehensively. "We haven't killed a witch or wizard in quite a while."
"Good idea. Who should we kill? Harry Potter? No, I've tried that five times already. Dumbledore…? No, he kind of scares me. What about…oh, wait, never mind. I killed him already," Voldemort said, running down the list. "Any suggestions, Wormtail?"
Wormtail thought. "Er…what about Lupin? Remus Lupin?"
"Ah, Lupin. Your old school friend. Well, you betrayed one, might as well betray another!" Voldemort laughed. Wormtail shifted uneasily. "Alright, then, Remus Lupin is next on our list! Muahahahahahaha!" Voldemort laughed evilly for five minutes straight. Satisfied that he appeared sinful enough during this time period, he picked up his Firebolt and mounted it. "Come, Wormtail!"
"Yes, sir," Wormtail said, now looking quite miserable.
Suddenly, just before Voldemort and Wormtail took off again, a cute, fuzzy squirrel scurried past them. It stood in front of Voldemort, its large black eyes gleaming at him, and offered him the acorn that he had been chewing on with his fuzzy paws. Voldemort glowered.
"Avada Kedavra!" he cried, pulling his wand from his robes. There was a flash of green light, and the squirrel exploded into a thousand tiny, bloody pieces. Wormtail stared at the squirrel remains, his eyes wide.
"Let's be off!" Voldemort said casually. Wormtail nodded vigorously, his eyes still locked on the spot where the squirrel had been sitting. They remounted their brooms and took off again.
Soon, they were flying over the Welsh countryside. There was nothing here, really, except for miles of rolling green hills.
"So, Wormtail, where can we find this Remus Lupin?" Voldemort asked, blowing up a few cows with the Killing Curse casually as they flew over.
"Well…I've heard that he's part of the Order of the Phoenix, and they're supposedly at Hogwarts right now. But, I don't think-" Wormtail started.
"Excellent! He shouldn't be hard to find, then," Voldemort said happily. "Oh, I can't wait to kill him! Let's torture him first, then we'll kill him. After that, let's go get some ice cream. I know this nice little shop in London that has the best ice cream in Britain. I personally enjoy the Mint Chocolate Chip, myself."
"But, Master, I-"
"Hey, hey, hey!!" Voldemort scolded.
"…Master V…please, sir, I don't think we should go to Hogwarts. I mean, Dumbledore is there (not to mention his entire staff), the Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter, and over a thousand students, too," Wormtail pleaded.
"Wormtail?"
"Yes, Master V?"
"Shut the hell up."
"Y-yes, Master V."
Within a couple of hours, Voldemort and Wormtail had made their way to Scotland. They were almost to the Hogwarts grounds; it was just a couple of meters away, when…WHAM! Voldemort collided face-first into a tree. He fell down to the ground, and landed face-up. His broom fell on top of him.
"Master!" Wormtail cried. He quickly flew to the ground, dismounted, and ran to Voldemort's side. "Are you okay, Master?"
"Fine," Voldemort said, picking himself and him broom up. "Damn tree. Who was stupid enough to put that tree right there?!"
"Er, Master…?"
"What?!"
"We're here."
They looked up at the great castle that was Hogwarts. A few students were running around outside, some with food in their arms, some studying, some just laying around doing nothing. It was obviously lunchtime.
"It must be lunchtime," Voldemort said.
Wormtail nodded. "Brilliant deduction, sir."
"Thank you. Well, let's go find this guy, wherever the hell he is."
Voldemort and Wormtail made their way to the entrance of Hogwarts. Every single student that was outside stopped and stared at them as they made their way up.
"Ah, look at these students. They can barely resist me," Voldemort said in a narcissist manner.
"Er…I think they know who you are," Wormtail whispered.
"Don't be ridiculous, Wormtail."
They made their way inside the school. Once again, every student stopped and stared, most dropping whatever they were carrying in shock. Wormtail and Voldemort made their way to the Great Hall, where most of the students were eating. As they pushed open the heavy doors, the garrulous hall went completely silent. Voldemort smiled at them all, then made his way between the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables, with Wormtail, up to the High Table. Everyone watched silently as he finally stopped in front of the staff table. There were, of course, the teachers, then Dumbledore, and finally, the Order of the Phoenix, all standing behind Dumbledore.
Voldemort cleared his throat. "I am here to collect Remus Lupin. I will kill him now."
Quiet whispers rippled the hall. Remus, who was standing at Dumbledore's side, flinched slightly and gave an extremely worried look. Dumbledore stood abruptly.
"Voldemort," he said loudly. "What do you want?"
Voldemort raised an eyebrow. "I just told you, you dipshit. I'm here to take Remus Lupin, torture him, and kill him."
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Oh, sorry. Anyway…I will not allow you to take Remus. Go back to where you came from and never come to Hogwarts again."
"I'm afraid I cannot allow that," Voldemort said wickedly, taking out his wand and pointing it directly at Dumbledore. "Hand him over, or I'm afraid that I will be the reason of your demise."
'Oh, yeah,' Voldemort thought to himself. 'That was evil AND cool.'
"Don't hurt Dumbledore!" Remus said suddenly, running out from behind him and standing in front of Voldemort. "If you wish for me to go, I will."
"Very good, then. Come along. Wormtail, escort him, please."
Wormtail took out his wand and pointed it at Remus. "Go on, Moony," Wormtail said quietly.
"WHAT?!" Voldemort yelled suddenly, turning to Wormtail in rage. The entire hall gasped in horror. Wormtail sobbed.
"Y-yes, Master?"
"How dare you call our hostage by his affectionate childhood name! You shall call him by his REAL name, preferably his LAST name. It sounds more evil and rude. Now, come on!!" Voldemort said angrily.
Wormtail cried as his pushed Remus along behind Voldemort. The three left through the Great Hall, Wormtail closing the doors behind him. The hall remained silent.
"Albus," Professor McGonagall said, aghast, "what just happened?"
"It appears that Voldemort and Wormtail has just taken Remus Lupin and they are now holding him hostage, possibly to torture and/or kill him," Dumbledore said.
"Thank you for that obvious statement, Dumbledore. Should we help him?" McGonagall asked.
"Of course not. We all know that Harry Potter will risk his ass to save his favorite former professor in a very heroic manner, and, after he brings him back, I will make a big speech about bravery or love or some shit like that, and award Gryffindor a shmillion points," Dumbledore said casually.
"Ah, of course," McGonagall said.
Suddenly, Sirius (who has his named cleared, mind you; didn't you hear the headlines Voldemort was reading?) entered the Great Hall, since he was visiting Hogwarts for no reason whatsoever, eating from a bag of chips.
"Hi," he said, taking in the scene. "What'd I miss?"
"Oh, for God's sake already, how many times must I explain it?! Voldemort and Wormtail just took Remus Lupin and is now holding him hostage!" Dumbledore said quickly.
Sirius dropped the bag of chips he was eating from. He threw himself against a wall and began to cry loudly and shake with sorrowful spasms.
"Why, why, WHY?! Dear lord, why?! Why Remus?! Of all people! Why can't I die, instead?!" he cried loudly. Dumbledore sighed.
"I knew he would do that," he said, shaking his head.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the Forbidden Forest, Voldemort and Wormtail were torturing Remus, Italian Mafia style. Literally. They had him tied to a chair (they just happened to find a chair out in the middle of the woods), and Wormtail was holding up his lit wand above his head while Voldemort was questioning Remus and slapping him across the face.
"Now, Lupin, for the last time, what is the square root of pi cubed times XY in the quadratic formula?!" Voldemort yelled angrily.
"I told you, I don't know," Remus said.
Voldemort slapped him hard across the face. A little too hard, in fact. Voldemort had hurt his hand.
"Damn it…okay, Wormtail, this is getting old. Let's torture him some other way," Voldemort said, shaking out his stinging hand.
"Maybe you can rap," Wormtail suggested.
"WHAT!!" Voldemort yelled angrily. "Are you saying that I can't rap?!"
"No, no, Master, of course not! I'm just saying that I know Moony…er…Lupin hates rap," Wormtail said, flinching.
Voldemort crossed his arms and hummed thoughtfully. "All right, then. You will have to help me, Wormtail. Prepare to be tortured, Lupin!"
Remus's amber eyes went wide as Voldemort summoned a mic from thin air, stood in front of him, and started his routine.
"Yo, yo, yo, yo. Yeah, come on, yeah, come on," Voldemort started.
"Nooooooo!!" Remus cried, trying to break free from the restraints.
"Yeah, yeah! V to da izzo, M to da izzay!"
"Dis mah homie Voldemort, so get yo damn hands up!" Wormtail rapped, summoning his own mic.
"V to da izzo, M to da izzay! I'm Voldemort so get yo damn hands up!"
"Yeah, yeah, come on, come on!"
Remus was in tears now, still kicking as he was trying to free himself from the binds.
"Hello," Wormtail said.
"My name is who?"
"Hello."
"My name is what?"
"Hello."
"My name is *chika chika* T. Riddle!"
Remus slumped against the chair, defeated. "Stop, please, stop…have mercy," he muttered through tears.
Voldemort and Wormtail laughed.
"I finally have my revenge on you, Lupin! Now I'm even!" Wormtail yelled.
"Revenge against what? I never did anything distasteful to you," Remus said, looking up.
Wormtail suddenly went silent, a quizzical look on his face. Voldemort stepped forward.
"Now, Remus Lupin, it's time for you to die," Voldemort said, taking out his wand. Remus's eyes went wide again. "On second thought," Voldemort said, slipping the wand back into his robes, "I'm getting bored with the Killing Curse. Let's kill him slowly and painfully, instead."
"Okay!" Wormtail said enthusiastically. "But…how?"
"Hmm…how SHOULD we kill him? Any sort of weaknesses he has?" Voldemort asked, pacing.
"Well…he's a werewolf," Wormtail stated.
"Brilliant!" Voldemort declared. "Now, what is it that kills a werewolf?"
"Er…garlic?" Wormtail asked.
"No, that's a vampire," Voldemort said.
Suddenly, a razor-sharp sword with a pure-silver blade and a brass handle fell from the sky into Remus's lap for no reason whatsoever. Voldemort and Wormtail took no notice.
"What about kryptonite?" Wormtail asked.
"No, that's the weakness of some stupid Muggle thingy," Voldemort said with malice.
Remus carefully picked up the sword, careful not to touch the silver blade, and cut himself free from the chair.
"A cross?"
"Vampires, again…"
Remus dropped the sword to the ground and ran. He quickly ran away, as quietly as he could possibly be.
"Oh, I know! Silver!" Wormtail said.
"Yes, that's it! Where's that silver sword that dropped from the sky for no reason whatsoever?" Voldemort asked, turning back to Remus. His jaw dropped at the empty chair, cut ropes and the silver sword laying in the seat.
"Damn it! He got away!" Voldemort cried, glaring at the empty chair.
"Maybe we can catch up with him. We still have our brooms," Wormtail suggested.
Voldemort sighed. "Fine. Let's go. But if he gets away again, it's the Crutacious Curse for you." With that, he mounted his Firebolt, Wormtail mounted his Shooting Star, and they took off. Voldemort collided with a few trees a couple of times, but he eventually got to the point of looking where he's going.
Meanwhile, Remus was leaning against a tree, breathing hard and clutching a stitch in his side. He listened carefully, and he heard the sound of footsteps snapping the twigs on the ground. Remus came out from behind the tree, wand raised, and cried, "Ricusempra!"
"Gaaaaah!" a sudden voice yelled. It was Harry. He was laying spread-eagle on the ground, his glasses beside him, shattered.
"Harry!" Remus cried, running to his side. "I'm so sorry! I thought you were Voldemort and Wormtail."
"S'okay, Professor Lupin," Harry said, despite the fact that Remus was no longer a professor.
"Er…Harry? You can call me Remus now."
"Can I? Really?!"
"Yeah. We've had this discussion already."
"Ah."
Harry stood up, dusted his robes off, and picked up his glasses. His slipped them on and frowned.
"My glasses are ruined."
"Let me help," Remus said, pointing his wand at Harry's glasses. "Oculus Reparo." Harry's glasses instantly repaired themselves. Harry looked amazed.
"Wow! I've seen that spell in action twice now, but I am still intrigued by its amazing display!" Harry said in excitement.
Remus just smiled. He liked Harry, but sometimes he proved to be a moron.
"What are you doing in the forest, Harry?"
"I am here to risk my ass to save my favorite former professor in a very heroic manner, and, after I bring you back, Dumbledore will make a big speech about bravery or love or some shit like that, and award Gryffindor a shmillion points," Harry said quickly. "Dumbledore explained it already while you were gone."
"Ah. Well, we better get out of here. Voldemort's not far behind," Remus said, looking around the forest for the view of Tom Riddle and Peter Pettigrew.
"Muahahahahahahaha!!" a sudden evil laughter rang out. Voldemort and Wormtail flew right in front of Harry and Remus and landed. Actually, it was Wormtail who landed and Voldemort who lost control of his broom, fell off, and quickly picked himself up again.
"There you are, Lupin," Voldemort said, pointing his wand at him. "Ah, and Harry, how nice of you to join us."
'I'm pretty good at this whole evil thing,' Voldemort thought to himself.
"It's Voldemort!" Harry cried. Voldemort raised an eyebrow.
"Er…yeah. Stand aside, Potter!"
"Never!" Harry cried heroically, raising his wand at Voldemort. "Expecto Patronum!" A stream of silver light came out of the end of his wand, which developed into a form of a stag.
Remus slapped his forehead. "Um…Harry?"
"Yes, Professor Lu-…I mean…Remus?" Harry said, trying to hold the spell out.
"That won't work on Voldemort. That's for dementors."
Everyone stood in silence for a moment. Then, Voldemort and Wormtail laughed.
"So, the famous Harry Potter can't…er…hey, Wormtail, what's a good insult?" Voldemort whispered to Wormtail. Wormtail shrugged.
"Anyway!" Voldemort yelled, turning back to Harry. "Prepare to die, both of you!"
"Stupefy!" Remus yelled, pointing the spell in the direction of Voldemort and Wormtail. The spell hit them instantly, knocking them unconscious to the ground.
"You did it, Profe-…Remus!" Harry cried.
"I guess I did, didn't I?" Remus said, smiling, quite proud of himself.
There was a moment of silence. Then, Harry pointed his wand at Remus and cried, "Obliviate!"
Remus fell to the ground. Harry quickly tore at the hems of his robes, making it look like it was a struggle. Then, Remus sat up, looking around.
"Harry…? What happened?" he asked, shakily standing up.
"It was horrible!" Harry cried. "Voldemort and Wormtail dragged you all the way out here, and I went looking for you! They were just about to kill you, when I found them! I put a spell on them that knocked them unconscious for now, but they can wake up at any moment! I'm so glad I found you, Remus. If it weren't for me, you'd probably be dead now."
Remus dusted off his robes. "Wow, Harry, that was really brave of you. I can't believe you risked your life to save mine. You didn't have to do that."
"I WANTED to," Harry said dramatically. "You're my favorite former professor, after all. I couldn't just let you die. To do so, I would have to be a selfish, craven coward."
Remus wiped away a tear from Harry's melodramatic speech. "Well, Harry, we better get these two back to the castle. We should hand them over to Dumbledore; he'll know what to do."
"We can't!" Harry cried suddenly. "I've got two more years to go! I have to finish off Voldemort in the seventh book in a dramatic display of heroism and chivalry!"
Remus looked at him peculiarly. "But-"
"Nope. Two more years to go."
Remus sighed. "Fine, come on then. It's time for Dumbledore to award your House a shmillion points."
"Right-o."
With that, Remus and Harry headed back to Hogwarts. Wormtail slowly woke up as they left, and looked over at the unconscious Voldemort.
"Master!" he cried, going to his side. "Don't worry, Master, we'll get you home!"
*****
Voldemort woke up later that day in his bed. Wormtail was standing over him, watching his every move.
"Wormtail, have you been watching me sleep in a creepy stalker-like way?" Voldemort said hoarsely.
"Oh, you're awake, Master. Actually, I…uh…" Wormtail said.
Voldemort raised his leg up and kicked Wormtail in the face. "Never, ever do that again."
Wormtail cried. "Yes, sir."
Voldemort sighed as he stood up. "What happened?"
Wormtail gulped. "Well…Lupin knocked us unconscious with a Stupefy Spell, and-"
"WHAT? I, Lord Voldemort, the most feared wizard of all time, was defeated by a spell that a first-year can do?!" Voldemort cried, standing up angrily.
"It was a very powerful-"
"Shut th' hell up, Wormtail!! I'm busy letting out my fury in a display of anger and rage!" Voldemort screamed.
Wormtail cowered. "Yes, sir."
Voldemort sighed and sat back down on his bed. Conveniently, there was today's issue of the Daily Prophet laying on the foot of his bed, although this one was all-knew and updated. Voldemort picked it up and read the front page.
"Harry Potter risks his life to save Remus Lupin, a former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, against Voldemort," Voldemort read with malice in his voice. "No, he didn't. Harry didn't do shit."
"A simple memory charm would fix that," Wormtail said quietly. Voldemort looked at him and glowered.
"I've had a really bad day, Wormtail. Why can't you just shut up for a while?" Voldemort said angrily.
"Yes, sir."
"And you know the worst part of all, Wormtail?!"
"What's that, sir?"
Voldemort wiped a lamentable tear from his eye. "I never got my ice cream."
************************************
***Author's Note***
Wow. That was MUCH longer than Dumbledore's Really, Really Bad Day. I particularly liked this one better. Why? …I have no idea.
The reason I wrote this is because chochang913, PadfootPrankster13, Angel-eyes, and Marauder-girl halfway suggested I should. Such nice people. So you know what? I did. Muahahahaha. Go me.
Please review. I'd be very pleased if you did.