Ch. 7 Sins of the Past
A/N- This is mostly flashback.. so when there are ** then you know it is a flashback... but if it is reg. then u know its present tense.
~Maria POV~
We all came to graveyard to help Liz, with her seeing her moms tombstone. I know I coulnd't handle it. I know I ought go, anyways, because Liz is my best friend, and she would go if it was me. But I can't take it. So here I am standing in front of my other best friend's grave. To many people have died for this cause... for our cause. To many...
"Hey Alex, its me Maria. I know you don't even recognize us. Its hard for us to even recognize each other at times..."- I just stare there at his grave. And I can feel it all coming to me again.
**There we were packing again. I hate packing, it means that the FBI is close again. Augh it is so annoying. This is like our millionth town we have been in. We have been traveling for two years now. And I hate it! I am this point I'd rather get killed then live my life out so miserably. I mean its great being with Michael, but he gets on my nerves so much! We have been on the road for a year now and he hasn't said anything about marriage, I mean Max and Liz got married like a month after we left. And now a year later he hasn't proposed yet. I wonder where Michael is... if he thinks I am packing his shit then he has something else coming to him.**
I can see Michael coming over, from where Liz's mother is buried. I guess he figures he should be here with me. But he doesn't understand. He can never understand. I can't look at him. But I feel him put his hand on my shoulder. He always knew when I needed him.
**I hear Michael open the apartment door.
"Good, your finally here! You have to pack or have you forgotten that we are leaving tomorrow?"- I ask him sarcastically.
"Yea, its kinda hard to forget"- He replies frustrated
"Where were you anyways?"- I ask him getting mad all over again.
"Out"- is all he has to say
"Out where? with who? Doing what?"- I ask getting extremely annoyed now
"Gosh.. You don't own me! What does it matter to you where I go?"- He practically yells at me
"I'm outta here"- I tell him "O and don't wait up for me!"
"Maria.. Wait"- He calls after me
But I am to fed up with all of his shit. I am now just walking around the apartment building where we are staying.**
I hear someone walk up behind Michael and I.
"Is she ok?"- I can now recognize that it's Kyle. I just continue staring at Alex's grave, fighting back my tears.
"I don't know" - Michael whispers to Kyle. I just want to scream, does it look like I am alright? I hate this, I don't deserve to feel. I don't deserve to be here above the ground. I should be dead, I'm the weak one. Alex he was strong and his life was taken from him. But a part of me is willing to give mine up.
**I bump into Kyle, as he is starting to walk into the apartment building.
"Maria, are you okay"- Kyle asks, I am not surprise he is asking me. I mean here I am crying and just staring into abyss.
"Kyle, do you ever regret coming? Leaving everything you had? Leaving everything that made since? Do you regret coming along for the ride? - I ask him sincerely
"I've thought about it, when we have to get up and go. I've thought.. boy this really sux. But I don't regret coming, I am glad I made the decision I did. Because, if I hadn't come I would have had nothing to live for. Do you regret coming maria?"- He says looking at me.
He and I share a bond, a bond that the rest don't have. We both volunteered for this field trip. The rest of them had to run or die.
"Sometimes I regret leaving, I had security there. I had a loving mother, a job and people who I knew I could trust. But leaving meant I could be with the people who had become a family to me. I could be with Michael. I came to live. It's just recently I feel like I am going through the motions and I am simply existing." - I look over to Kyle and can tell he is thinking really hard for the right words.
"Maria, you and I we choose to come. And for that reason we have more to resent always picking up and running to the next town. Because we really can't understand what is going on in their minds. We think they are just being paranoid. But also because we chose to come, means we can't really judge what is the right step of action to do next." - Kyle says this with so much conviction that it throws me off for a second.
"Thank Kyle, your right"- I am telling this, but I don't believe a word he just said
"G'nite maria"- Kyle says to me.**
A tear escapes my eyes. I can't hold them back any longer. But I will, for it is not my time to cry. It is Liz's and I will not go back to being that old selfish girl I used to be. Michael hasn't moved since he's put his arm on my shoulder. Kyle left and brought Isabel back with him. I think he just wanted someone else to mourn with. Looking at Alex's grave. Our lives changed here, with his death. In some ways... a lot of ways actually it is that is the beginning of end.
**It is now way past dark. I know that everyone will be asleep, including Michael. I told him not to wait up, and knowing him he won't. I grabbed all of my stuff that I had packed earlier and quietly as I can. I am now writing Michael and them a note.
Michael
You know I love you right? At least I hope you do. I know its been hard these last couple of months. But I can't handle running anymore. I am leaving to find someplace to settle down in. Look me up when your no longer running. Don't look for me otherwise.
Maria
Ps. Tell the others I love them as well.
There I had done it. I decided. And you know what it feels good. I am now at the bus station. Waiting for the bus. The wait seemed to be forever. It was at this point I realize that I am a deserter. I've left my friends. The ones who'd do anything for me and I feel happy. Glad. My conflicting emotions made me feel nothing in return. The bus is finally here. I am so glad now I can sleep a dreamless sleep.
"Maria... Can you hear me it's Isabel, I am in your dream."- Iz said to me... Its all dark
"I told you not to follow me, leave me alone."- I told her, I didn't care that she looked like I had just shot her in the stomach.
"Liz had a flash... your in trouble, where are you?? We have to get you out of there, then you can leave. As long as your safe, we'll leave you alone."- Iz say in a urgent voice.
"I'm on a bus, to Philly"
"Ok we'll meet you at the bus station, just stay in Philly, please Maria"- Iz begs to me with fear in her eyes. But I am only an empty shell.**
Alex's grave site is getting too crowded. Max walks over saying that Liz wants to be left alone for a little bit. To say her goodbyes. I hear him talking, but not over my own wails that I am screaming inside of my head. I am hurting so much. But why should I feel pain? I should feel nothing. I should be dead.
**They all had somehow gotten to Philly before me. I see all of them, and they look so happy to see that I am alive. Max walks up to me first,
"Hey, lets get out of here"- He says this while looking around
"k"- Was the only thing I could make out.
I met up with the whole group, Kyle looks guilty, Michael looks angry and hurt. The rest look relieved. We left the bus station and went out to the park all of us. Max kept looking around. Then next thing we hear is a bullet whizzing by us.
Liz walked over and joined us. By the looks of her face she has been crying. And I envy her bro being able to show these emotions. Fear, pain, happiness and love. Things that a shell can not show. As much as I would like to. But I can't....
After the first bullet , we saw them. The FBI is all around us. Surrounding the whole park, not letting anybody go. Not even the pedestrians, it seemed hopeless to get out with out using their 'capabilities'. Another bullet was fired, this time it hit Liz in the leg. I see her falling to the ground, Max goes to hit but she gets up
"I'm okay, its only a scrap, later"- Liz says looking Max straight in the eye as if to dare him to defy her.
Kyle, Liz, Michael, Max, and Iz all put up their hand ready to battle. Another bullet is fired and a civilian is hit. An innocent. I am looking at this girl, she is no older then seventeen and she's just been hit in the stomach. I can tell she won't survive. I can tell the others have figured the same. They are now blasting the FBI and the bullets keep flying. I am standing here helpless. It is my fault that this is happening and all I can do is sit and watch. Its all happening so fast. There is so many screams, so much blood. Yet I feel neither guilt nor fear nor shame. I am just looking at it. Michael comes to me
"We gotta go NOW Maria... or would you rather stay with this mess?"- he asks me, somewhat harshly, but it doesn't bother me.
"I'm going" and with that, I was one of them agian.
It all happened last night, but it is on the news now. 4 Civilians died, 3 injured and 5 FBI dead. That was our doing. That was my doing. 9 people lost their lives, from my selfishness. **
I am crying nonstop now. I can't stop crying. It hurts so much they are all around me, holding me. Michael keeps whispering sayings it'll be okay, just cry. They all our around, giving me their strength. I guess with putting up a stonewall does not make you stronger but instead weaker. And for a moment everything seems clear.
"Welcome back"- I hear a sinister voice say.
We all turn around
"Nicolas" - I say before anyone else
A/N- This is mostly flashback.. so when there are ** then you know it is a flashback... but if it is reg. then u know its present tense.
~Maria POV~
We all came to graveyard to help Liz, with her seeing her moms tombstone. I know I coulnd't handle it. I know I ought go, anyways, because Liz is my best friend, and she would go if it was me. But I can't take it. So here I am standing in front of my other best friend's grave. To many people have died for this cause... for our cause. To many...
"Hey Alex, its me Maria. I know you don't even recognize us. Its hard for us to even recognize each other at times..."- I just stare there at his grave. And I can feel it all coming to me again.
**There we were packing again. I hate packing, it means that the FBI is close again. Augh it is so annoying. This is like our millionth town we have been in. We have been traveling for two years now. And I hate it! I am this point I'd rather get killed then live my life out so miserably. I mean its great being with Michael, but he gets on my nerves so much! We have been on the road for a year now and he hasn't said anything about marriage, I mean Max and Liz got married like a month after we left. And now a year later he hasn't proposed yet. I wonder where Michael is... if he thinks I am packing his shit then he has something else coming to him.**
I can see Michael coming over, from where Liz's mother is buried. I guess he figures he should be here with me. But he doesn't understand. He can never understand. I can't look at him. But I feel him put his hand on my shoulder. He always knew when I needed him.
**I hear Michael open the apartment door.
"Good, your finally here! You have to pack or have you forgotten that we are leaving tomorrow?"- I ask him sarcastically.
"Yea, its kinda hard to forget"- He replies frustrated
"Where were you anyways?"- I ask him getting mad all over again.
"Out"- is all he has to say
"Out where? with who? Doing what?"- I ask getting extremely annoyed now
"Gosh.. You don't own me! What does it matter to you where I go?"- He practically yells at me
"I'm outta here"- I tell him "O and don't wait up for me!"
"Maria.. Wait"- He calls after me
But I am to fed up with all of his shit. I am now just walking around the apartment building where we are staying.**
I hear someone walk up behind Michael and I.
"Is she ok?"- I can now recognize that it's Kyle. I just continue staring at Alex's grave, fighting back my tears.
"I don't know" - Michael whispers to Kyle. I just want to scream, does it look like I am alright? I hate this, I don't deserve to feel. I don't deserve to be here above the ground. I should be dead, I'm the weak one. Alex he was strong and his life was taken from him. But a part of me is willing to give mine up.
**I bump into Kyle, as he is starting to walk into the apartment building.
"Maria, are you okay"- Kyle asks, I am not surprise he is asking me. I mean here I am crying and just staring into abyss.
"Kyle, do you ever regret coming? Leaving everything you had? Leaving everything that made since? Do you regret coming along for the ride? - I ask him sincerely
"I've thought about it, when we have to get up and go. I've thought.. boy this really sux. But I don't regret coming, I am glad I made the decision I did. Because, if I hadn't come I would have had nothing to live for. Do you regret coming maria?"- He says looking at me.
He and I share a bond, a bond that the rest don't have. We both volunteered for this field trip. The rest of them had to run or die.
"Sometimes I regret leaving, I had security there. I had a loving mother, a job and people who I knew I could trust. But leaving meant I could be with the people who had become a family to me. I could be with Michael. I came to live. It's just recently I feel like I am going through the motions and I am simply existing." - I look over to Kyle and can tell he is thinking really hard for the right words.
"Maria, you and I we choose to come. And for that reason we have more to resent always picking up and running to the next town. Because we really can't understand what is going on in their minds. We think they are just being paranoid. But also because we chose to come, means we can't really judge what is the right step of action to do next." - Kyle says this with so much conviction that it throws me off for a second.
"Thank Kyle, your right"- I am telling this, but I don't believe a word he just said
"G'nite maria"- Kyle says to me.**
A tear escapes my eyes. I can't hold them back any longer. But I will, for it is not my time to cry. It is Liz's and I will not go back to being that old selfish girl I used to be. Michael hasn't moved since he's put his arm on my shoulder. Kyle left and brought Isabel back with him. I think he just wanted someone else to mourn with. Looking at Alex's grave. Our lives changed here, with his death. In some ways... a lot of ways actually it is that is the beginning of end.
**It is now way past dark. I know that everyone will be asleep, including Michael. I told him not to wait up, and knowing him he won't. I grabbed all of my stuff that I had packed earlier and quietly as I can. I am now writing Michael and them a note.
Michael
You know I love you right? At least I hope you do. I know its been hard these last couple of months. But I can't handle running anymore. I am leaving to find someplace to settle down in. Look me up when your no longer running. Don't look for me otherwise.
Maria
Ps. Tell the others I love them as well.
There I had done it. I decided. And you know what it feels good. I am now at the bus station. Waiting for the bus. The wait seemed to be forever. It was at this point I realize that I am a deserter. I've left my friends. The ones who'd do anything for me and I feel happy. Glad. My conflicting emotions made me feel nothing in return. The bus is finally here. I am so glad now I can sleep a dreamless sleep.
"Maria... Can you hear me it's Isabel, I am in your dream."- Iz said to me... Its all dark
"I told you not to follow me, leave me alone."- I told her, I didn't care that she looked like I had just shot her in the stomach.
"Liz had a flash... your in trouble, where are you?? We have to get you out of there, then you can leave. As long as your safe, we'll leave you alone."- Iz say in a urgent voice.
"I'm on a bus, to Philly"
"Ok we'll meet you at the bus station, just stay in Philly, please Maria"- Iz begs to me with fear in her eyes. But I am only an empty shell.**
Alex's grave site is getting too crowded. Max walks over saying that Liz wants to be left alone for a little bit. To say her goodbyes. I hear him talking, but not over my own wails that I am screaming inside of my head. I am hurting so much. But why should I feel pain? I should feel nothing. I should be dead.
**They all had somehow gotten to Philly before me. I see all of them, and they look so happy to see that I am alive. Max walks up to me first,
"Hey, lets get out of here"- He says this while looking around
"k"- Was the only thing I could make out.
I met up with the whole group, Kyle looks guilty, Michael looks angry and hurt. The rest look relieved. We left the bus station and went out to the park all of us. Max kept looking around. Then next thing we hear is a bullet whizzing by us.
Liz walked over and joined us. By the looks of her face she has been crying. And I envy her bro being able to show these emotions. Fear, pain, happiness and love. Things that a shell can not show. As much as I would like to. But I can't....
After the first bullet , we saw them. The FBI is all around us. Surrounding the whole park, not letting anybody go. Not even the pedestrians, it seemed hopeless to get out with out using their 'capabilities'. Another bullet was fired, this time it hit Liz in the leg. I see her falling to the ground, Max goes to hit but she gets up
"I'm okay, its only a scrap, later"- Liz says looking Max straight in the eye as if to dare him to defy her.
Kyle, Liz, Michael, Max, and Iz all put up their hand ready to battle. Another bullet is fired and a civilian is hit. An innocent. I am looking at this girl, she is no older then seventeen and she's just been hit in the stomach. I can tell she won't survive. I can tell the others have figured the same. They are now blasting the FBI and the bullets keep flying. I am standing here helpless. It is my fault that this is happening and all I can do is sit and watch. Its all happening so fast. There is so many screams, so much blood. Yet I feel neither guilt nor fear nor shame. I am just looking at it. Michael comes to me
"We gotta go NOW Maria... or would you rather stay with this mess?"- he asks me, somewhat harshly, but it doesn't bother me.
"I'm going" and with that, I was one of them agian.
It all happened last night, but it is on the news now. 4 Civilians died, 3 injured and 5 FBI dead. That was our doing. That was my doing. 9 people lost their lives, from my selfishness. **
I am crying nonstop now. I can't stop crying. It hurts so much they are all around me, holding me. Michael keeps whispering sayings it'll be okay, just cry. They all our around, giving me their strength. I guess with putting up a stonewall does not make you stronger but instead weaker. And for a moment everything seems clear.
"Welcome back"- I hear a sinister voice say.
We all turn around
"Nicolas" - I say before anyone else