The air was chilly, as was normal for a January morning. The wind didn't blow yet, something she was grateful for. She stood still and looked to the sky with closed eyes, wishing the cool air would refresh her and wake her up, as it usually did. But this morning was not one she wished to come upon her.

She had the same dream again. The second this week in the past two. Why was this happening?? Why was she repeating the instance in her mind?? How did she make it go away to the locked box she put it in before?

Gray finally looked to the ground solemnly. 'The worst thing is I don't KNOW how to make it go away. I'm tired of reliving those memories and crying...but it's also my punishment. Darkness is my punishment. I should just take it and leave it at that.' So why was it so hard to deal with again?

Because she missed her mother...badly. Ever since introductions to Mouri-san, she was getting a nagging emotion to ask Cye if she could come visit his mother again. She was a glutton for emotional punishment; but that initial contact broke out a needy, lonely side she tried to keep under wraps. But it by keeping it hidden for so many years, she was only feeding the need for maternal contact.

She was tired of being alone. Quote and unquote. The more and more she looked to her schedule, the more she knew it was such a bore. Her boredom was getting harder and harder to curb. She just couldn't get interested in her stories. Something inside her was calling for something, perhaps SOMEONE.

She wanted a friend and she knew it. But she knew she could never be friends with anyone due to her handicap. It was just too much of a burden on her and anyone else. They would ALWAYS be able to do things she'd never fathom. Though...when she was little...she was on the same level as others.

Harshly, she slapped both hands to her cheeks to divert her thoughts. Thinking this way never got her ANYWHERE and nothing good ever came from being so melancholy. She whistled for Beethoven and listened as he stopped at her side and waited for her command. Taking the first step to lead him, they started back to the apartment.

This was a total paradox. She DIDN'T want to think such things, yet she couldn't help it. It wasn't getting her anywhere and only made her sad, but it still came anyway. It wouldn't leave her head, and hadn't since she was four. She KNEW why she was blind and accepted that, even if it all stemmed from guilt. There was nothing she could do to get her sight back...both her and otousan knew the cost of that and neither could afford it.

Some part of her realized the benefits of being blind. The better senses and able to detect false people. Being this way made her a better writer, to an extent, because words were something she took to for a hobby when she learned Braille. Her sense of memory was acute and well defined, though partially on a survival instinct. Her piano gift was also stemmed from it due to her way of hearing. She was able to pick out sounds and make them good, and it helped her to learn by ear.

Yet a lot of her mind, what she tried to ignore on a daily basis, knew the unfairness of it all. There was so much she could be doing right now, if only they were making more money than just living slightly comfortable. She could see sunsets and scenery; she could see Mia's face and the place where she lived. She wouldn't need to fear car rides anymore, though she suspected that would always be a phobia.

The small pleasures of sight sometimes outweighed the aspects of heightened senses. She could get to see all the beauty of nature and people. She could see the clothes she wore. She would be able to watch tv and the documents she typed up for homework instead of always relying on the audio program. She would be able to learn to WRITE.

It was true...she didn't know how to write. The only thing she could do totally efficiently was type at a speed over sixty w.p.m. But it was hardly an achievement when given the reason for it. She knew the alphabet, but didn't know if she was right or left-handed, or ambidextrous.

She snorted and fished in her coat pocket for her keys. 'Quite pathetic really. I always thought I was better off blind, but I guess I never truly stopped to think of every little thing that a person who gets to see sees all the time. Unfair...yet this is my punishment for that day. I just have to keep reminding myself that and those little pleasures turn to guilty pleasures.' She pushed the door open and automatically grasped the hand rail and started up the steps. 'Even if that doesn't make it fair. Guilt turns into want and want turns into something I can never have. I WILL never have those simple, guilty pleasures as long as I live. I've had my chance to see and now I must pay for my insolence.'

She opened the front door and let Beethoven in first as her ears picked up her father's movement. She was surprised to have been out more than she should've, but didn't feel like a shower, so it was fine. He deserved the hot water for once, instead of letting her use it up most of the time.

After getting the harness off her dog, she immediately went to her room and put it away. After putting away her sweats, she put on regular clothes and stopped on one of the shirt buttons. 'I'll never know what I'm wearing, other than the feel. From what otousan says, all my shirts are either white or beige. All my pants are either brown or black, and my socks all white.' Slowly, she finished the last few buttons and left her room, letting the dog roam around as he pleased. 'All I've got are slip-on shoes...the same black and brown as most of my clothes. I'm a total colorblind person, even though I wasn't colorblind when I was little.'

She plopped down in the recliner and stared to the light coming in through the balcony windows. 'I must be as boring a person as I look.' A hand rose and fingered through her long hair. 'Never been cut before...ever. Never been styled or colored. Just a straight jet black. No bangs...unless you count what's down to my ribcage by now.' She let go of the long strand and felt a nose press against her leg. A hand idly went to it, scratching behind his ears. 'So boring. And that's the way I've lived for over the past ten years. A decade of nothing.'

Ataki Aroon finally got out of bed and went into the shared bathroom, not saying good morning, as was custom. She listened to the shower run and pressed her head into the back of the chair, looking toward the ceiling. 'He never says good morning. Not that I can blame him. I wouldn't want to continue taking care of an impudent child either. I must be such a burden to him. Though he doesn't say it and probably will never be so rude, his continuing silence and short conversations say enough. I don't think he knows just how much they say about his emotions.'

A quiet whine brought her attention to the muzzle and she patted the top of his head. "Nani BT-kun? Doushita?" She gained another whine and leaned toward his face. "What's wrong? That doesn't sound like anything good. You feel sick? Hungry? You already went outside so..." A sudden lick to her cheek startled her and she leaned up. "Ah...miru. Are you worried about me?" I see. Another whine almost confirmed it and she gave Beethoven a small smile. "Shinpai suranai BT-kun. I'm always this uninteresting." Don't worry.

The sound of the shower shutting off gained an ear and she stood to go to the balcony. She wanted quiet right now and that wouldn't be granted with her father making breakfast. She quickly made for the balcony and slid the doors open, hearing panting follow her. She humbled Beethoven and let him out with her before shutting the door again.

She didn't really want to talk to anyone right now, or have to listen. All she wanted was peace and quiet. No noise to muddle her head. If she just thought this out, it would go away...if not forever, then at least for now. 'I'm not acting like everyone expects me to. If I'm approached by anyone today like this, I don't know what will happen.'

She suddenly bit a nail in anxiety, wondering if she was going to meet up with Cye today at the college. The past few times he stopped at her table in the café, she just muttered a weak excuse that she wasn't feeling well and that managed to chase him off for a few days. But that was at the beginning of this week. She didn't want to KEEP shooing him away because she was starting to get used to his presence. And she was becoming accustomed to helping him, so it wasn't that big a deal anymore. She was more worried about what she would do or how badly she'd space out. Hearing his questions and having to sidestep them was getting tiresome.

For some reason, she didn't want to lie to him. He was nice enough to be around and he was well-mannered. He asked for her help and she didn't mind giving it to help out someone unfortunate. She knew about that and that was a small bond they had. His bad grades and her handicap at seeing. Both unfortunate in a way.

Yet she didn't want to skip school just to avoid him this time. Her attendance had always been perfect for nearly three years and she had NO intention of ruining it now. She wouldn't stoop that low. Holing up in her misery would be a total excuse and she wasn't going to abide by that. Wasn't she made of tougher stuff than that??

'If that's true, why am I acting so weak? Everyone has their bad days, but I've NEVER given into it this bad before. Normally I always think it over rationally, tell myself this is my penance, and I'm okay with it. So what exactly triggered such a reaction?'

Surely, it was Cye's mother. That was certain. It was being in that house of love and comfort and peace that she knew she never had. It was the motherly smell that rose to her nose when his mom stopped to talk to them. To say good night to her. It was the friendliness of his sister. Another thing she would never have...siblings. She'd never known the friendly rivalry or everything that befell a good or bad relationship with an imoto or ototo.

She supposed she would've been alright if they managed to leave without Mouri-san hugging her. That had to've been her downfall. The motherly embrace she hadn't felt in seventeen years and suddenly craved again with all her might. She wanted to know what it was like to be a polite daughter, who did everything for a mother you loved.

Her jaw clenched as she sat on the wood ground of the balcony and leaned against the siding next to the glass door. She'd give ANYTHING to have her mother sometimes. A father wasn't good for everything, but a father who didn't love you was even worse. She loved her chichi, she ALWAYS would, but she'd never said the words to him. And he never bothered to make an attempt to say them back. Not even when she was a kid.

'When did I realize that my life wasn't a life?' She wearily thought. A head suddenly plopped down in her lap and she was quick to rest a head over it, mildly hungering for contact. 'It's never been one. I've always been a bad girl. Why couldn't I have been good? Why didn't I behave myself? Maybe things would've been different. Maybe she'd still be here now and I would be different. I could do things normal kids did and been able to enjoy it.'

Tears formed in her eyes, but she made no move to blink them away. Sometimes, a good cry got these emotions out of her way and she was fine. Except it was early morning, not late at night. She still had a long day ahead. But that didn't matter right now to someone depressed. 'Why didn't I BEHAVE myself?? It's all my FAULT! It's ALWAYS been my fault! Why did it take something that drastic to change my ways? I could've changed...if only I wasn't such a spoiled brat. They never should've spoiled me. They should've made me a meek child. Then I wouldn't have spoken out and gotten from my seat!'

"I know what it's like Kimon-chan. But I can tell you now, that's not the way to live. It's painful...resolving yourself to a life of solitude. You think you're better off when you don't have friends. But you're wrong."

A tear fell free and warmed part of her skin. 'Gods, Epiphany-san...you lived a life of solitude like this? Why didn't I understand your words sooner? Took them more to heart? The only person who maybe knew how I fully felt is gone now and I did nothing to make contact.'

"This is my life, and I only live it as best I know how. I don't ask for anyone to intrude on it. I don't WANT anyone to intrude on it. I have no want for fun in my life. I live by a schedule, and I don't like it being trifled with."

Why did she say those things? Epiphany-san was right...this wasn't really living. Her schedule was just around to keep her from being bored for the most part and to help with her blindness. She pushed people out because she didn't want them getting too close and discovering her blindness, then push her away because she was handicapped. She'd never be like other people. So she never bothered to get to know anyone that could've been her friend. The only one who ever got to her was Mia. And that wasn't even her initiating anything.

The air was warm and the breeze was gentle. There were no clouds in the sky to hinder the sun's tepid rays. The perfect day to be outside.

She walked down the sidewalk with her stick, hoping there was a bench nearby. She didn't want to stray too far from the door and she could feel enough student eyes on her to make her angry. Why wouldn't they stop LOOKING at her? Didn't they ever see a blind girl before??

She heaved a sigh and stopped, looking up to the sun. She let the heat touch her skin and managed a wisp of a smile. The sun always felt so good; like a warm blanket on a cold day. She always loved the sun, in whatever season she was in.

The gentle mood quickly turned sour as someone suddenly bumped into her, causing her to drop her books and cane. Anger boiled on high as she listened to the excuses rambled by the unknown person. She fought not to glare in the voice's direction and started to grope around for her books.

An insistence that she receive help couldn't go ignored. "I don't need your help. You were the one to make me drop everything and I'm quite capable of picking everything up." Even if she didn't know WHERE everything was at exactly. Oh the embarrassment of it all! She was sure those staring were getting a lot of laughs at watching a blind girl feel the concrete for her school supplies.

She grabbed a few and stood to take some steps forward, not finding anything within an arm's width. The apologies went unheeded and ignored as she tried to remember the exact location of every book. The main thing was finding her cane. Otherwise she'd be in major trouble.

"Oi! LOOK OUT!!" A hand on her shoulder suddenly pulled her back and she fell to the ground...just as the sound of a motor cruising at high speed into the parking lot stopped right in front of her.

She stared wide-eyed at the darkness. She could've been KILLED! Her mouth gaped open as the person behind her moved. 'If the onna hadn't pulled me back...I...I could've...'

"Daijoubu desu ka? DAIJOUBU DESU KA??" A hand gripped her shoulder and shook as she blinked at the worried tone. "Geez...I almost didn't see that guy take the corner!" Clothing shifted as she stood and took a few steps away. "HEY buddy! Why don't you watch where you're DRIVING?! You could've KILLED her!"

"What's it to ya lady?" Shot back a rude voice. She couldn't help but shoot a heady glare in its direction and stood. "None of your business. The girl didn't watch where SHE was going."

"It IS my business mister. The name's Koji-sensei and I have half a mind to REPORT you and have your car impounded until you can drive it PROPERLY! This is the only warning you GET kid!"

"Ano...hai sensei. Gomen." A pair of feet shuffled away and for the doors she exited just minutes ago.

After most of the excitement died down, she was left with the aftermath. Koji-sensei ka? That was one of the teachers who taught Romance literature! Something she was interested in majoring in! "Ano...g...gomen nasai for being so rude earlier. You saved my life..."

"Daijoubu. I'm just glad to know you're alright."

"Anata wa...Koji Mia-sensei?" She queried, still a little shaken up.

"I am. And I'll ask you again now, since you don't look like you should be doing much but sitting down and having some warm tea...would you like some help picking up your schoolbooks and cane?"

She stared in the general vicinity of that kind, caring voice. Something inside her resisted, as she had her pride...but this Mia just risked her own life to save her. She put herself in harms way to step forward and pull her from that car's path... "H...hai. I would like that."

Together, they gathered up the books until all were accounted for, safe and sound. When she was handed back her walking stick, she faced Mia and gave a deep bow. "Atashi wa...Ataki Kimon-san."

The door slid open and she jumped a mile. Feeling the tear tracks down her cheeks, a hand hastily went to her face and ended up slapping herself.

"Kimon? What're you doing on the floor?"

She subtly wiped the tears off and looked away. "Sitting for a change." She murmured, praying her voice didn't wobble.

"Ah...well, breakfast is ready. I set your tea on the table since I didn't see you."

"Hai otousan."

~*~*~

Cye walked up to the cafeteria area after all his classes were finished, as normal, and paused just inside eye range of the table. His lips pressed together in indecision to go again today and be rejected, or pass the table by and head home for some solo work. Or maybe get some work done at the business.

Truth be told, he felt a little hurt at being given excuses by something that apparently didn't look to be true. Lying. Kimon was lying to him. Why he didn't know, but it put an ache in his chest that probably had to do with his kanji.

Still, the exit to his car was that way and he had to cut across the cafeteria ANYWAY...might as well say hello if he wasn't staying. Wondering if he'd be given a return hello, and doubting it, he slowly started over and stopped in front of the chair opposite to her. "Konnichi wa Kimon-san."

She jerked in her seat and looked away from the place her eyes were previously gazing at. How did he just sneak up on her?! HER...a BLIND girl! There was some cosmic irony here that she wasn't seeing, mostly due to the fact that she was trying to get her HEART out of her throat!

Taking a deep breath, she settled back in the chair and gave him a tiny smile. "Konnichi wa Cye-san."

He blinked, but smiled and slid into the seat, seeing this day might be different. "Are you feeling any better today Kimon-san?"

Her eyes closed as she regarded his question. Mentally, she was still a wreck and had been all day. If it wasn't for her voice recordings of lectures, she wouldn't have retained a THING today. As it was since the dreams started. Physically nothing was wrong with her. So the answer was still no. But she was emotionally exhausted and it was physically exhausting her. She had no more will to keep pushing him away with lies. "Hai. I'm okay Cye-san. Gomen if I've been distant. There's just been...a lot on my mind."

"That's okay. I know how school gets when you get boggled down with homework. Do you think I could trouble you for a small tutor session though? I understand if you have homework yourself, but I could always help you with that if you want me to."

Honestly, there was no real way he COULD help her with her homework, since she didn't do normal homework. She didn't have standard assignments as other people did. The only thing she did was quizzes and hand in her notes at the end of chapters to compensate for worksheets. It was the only thing she could come up with as an arrangement to make up for lost points with her grades.

A small smirk appeared as she went to her disregarded laptop and pulled up with her current 'homework'. She grasped the top flap and spun it around for him to see. "If you can help me with THIS Cye-san, then you're welcome to try. This IS my homework. I type out all the notes I compile from the books and lectures in class. So...I don't think you'd be able to help me."

He looked at the expensive computer and all the programs showing up on the desktop screen. There were some he never heard of before and his face scrunched up in wonder. He wasn't aware some of these things even EXISTED. A small, silent flash caught his eye over a screen with one of her 'assignments' and he spied. "What's...'unpause for next command'?"

She managed a small smile and spun the computer around. "If you want to see, you'll have to come around. I can't work the keys unless I know where they're all at." When she felt his presence a foot behind her, she went to remove the earplug from the jack. "This system is what helps me do my homework on this computer. NOTHING on this thing is cheap, and I've used it all throughout high school. The pause is one of the modes to a voice or key command program for the blind. I use it more often in voice mode when I'm at home and key mode when I'm here. Hence the earplugs."

"Impressive. Bet it cost a pretty penny when you had it installed." He mused.

Fingers found the keys as she quietly snorted. "You haven't seen 'impressive' yet." Feeling as if she were showing off somehow, but momentarily distracted from all that was plaguing her, she clicked a few keys and took it off key command. "Computer...read first two lines of current page and stop." She listened to the notes on her Music Appreciation class and smiled a little more.

"Next command?"

"Save all documents to current file for now."

"Document saved under Music Apreciation class notes-chapter eight. Next command?"

"Close document and pause again."

Her head swiveled a little in his direction as she fought not to laugh. She could almost SENSE his awe. "Would you like any OTHER 'impressive' displays?" She teased, feeling his eyes.

Needless to say, he was awed by such a cool program. It almost reminded him of A.I., but that didn't exist. Someone did some SERIOUS tinkering with this program to get it act like that. "You have some pretty nice toys..." He absently muttered, going back to his seat.

She chuckled and quickly shut the computer down, seeing how she wasn't going to get much done today. She would force herself to get more studying done at home when there wasn't so much noise and not so many apt distractions...like her THOUGHTS. "Yup, I was granted quite a bit to get everything on this baby. It's helped me get some pretty nice grades though, so it was worth everything I went through."

He watched as she put everything away in the same spot as she always did. He wondered if she ever bothered changing her routine for a change of pace. Probably not, since this was more convenient and wouldn't make her think too much. It appeared she had a lot on her mind already.

"So...you wanted to get some more help in today? What time is it?"

He quickly checked his watch and started pulling things out. "I've got a little over half an hour till your dad gets here."

She blinked and listened as he set stuff on the table. The way he said that...so casual...as if they knew each other better than they did... Her lips pressed together, eyes closing.

'No, don't read into it. It doesn't mean anything. What was he supposed to say? We've only got a little time to work? No...still sounds too much like his first statement.'

"Kimon-san?"

Her head jerked up and she gave a tiny, sheepish smile. "Ah sorry. I'll try not to think too much until you leave."

He gave a small chuckle. "Fair enough...I guess."

The time progressed much like it always did. When she heard those nails clicking up the path, she went for her things. It was interesting to hear Cye also putting his papers away as well. "I see you're as trained as I am." She quietly mused, shouldering her laptop bag.

He gave a lopsided grin and grabbed his pack. "We've worked together long enough for me to start becoming accustomed to a few things."

Her head tilted a little bit, wondering on what he was being accustomed TO when her father approached. Giving a small snap of her fingers, she quickly located Beethoven when he gave a greeting whine and grasped the harness. "Ja ne Cye-san."

"Ja Kimon-san."

Nearly a dozen paces away, she stopped and turned around, listening to his retreat. Her mouth pursed in uncertainty and indecision as her mind warred. With all that'd gone through her mind recently, she found out one thing clearly. She wanted to be with Cye's mother again, even if it might be awkward from her friendliness. She wanted to know the presence and comfort that only a mother could give once more.

"Cye-san!" She shouted, immediately hesitating. That was the first time she really shouted and it felt weird, even though there wasn't anyone else in the area. Her mouth snapped closed, halting the request. Next to her, she could feel her father's questioning gaze. "Onegaimasu chotto." One second please. He didn't respond, but stood patiently as she fully turned Beethoven around and took a few steps in Cye's direction.

"Yes Kimon-san?" He asked, puzzled at this sudden turn of events. Was there something she forgot to remind him of? He met her in the middle of the distance and looked down to her. "Something about the assignment you forgot to mention?"

"Iya...it's not that." She quietly stuttered, a nail going to her mouth. She harshly bit down on her thumb and looked down. This was harder than she thought and she found swallowing every bit of pride and forced solitude was hard indeed. "There was...something that...I wanted to......ask you... About your...mother...I was wondering if maybe, possibly...if you don't think she'd mind-"

A hand rested on her shoulder to silence her. "What is it that you want to ask me?" He gently prodded, feeling bad at watching her indecision. Apparently her over independence didn't allow her pride to let her ask for much, if anything at all. "You can tell me you know. I won't make fun of you for whatever it is you're asking."

She rapidly blinked at his congenial, warm tone. How trusting could one person be? Every part of her wanted to trust him at that moment for the truth he spoke, but there was a lot that still didn't. She didn't trust him that much, though there was more there than before. "About your mother...do you think she'd mind if...if I...visited again?"

His head jerked back, eyes wide. Say WHAT?! It took a minute for him to find his voice, even though he already had an answer ready. "You heard what she said last time. She told you to think about stopping back. So no, I don't think she'll mind." He couldn't help but smile and poke fun for her nativity. She sure didn't hold much true did she? Didn't believe much of what people told her. And she said she was a great judge of words? That was sort of ironic.

Her head ducked, but she minutely nodded. There was a little bit of relief that eased the anxiety in her heart a little. Somehow, she didn't know what she would do if she couldn't see his mother again. There was so much she wanted to talk about with Mouri-san...even stupid things. Really...she wanted to spend the day with just her and not Cye, as horrible as that sounded. "Yokatta... When do you think I'd be able to see her?" I'm glad.

He immediately wanted to ask WHY she wanted to see his mom, but held it aside. He'd ask later, whenever the visit came. His mind threw to his schedule. It was the middle of the week and he had classes until Sunday. Sunday he promised Sayoko he'd help her in the shop, but he felt she'd allow him that quick stop to pick up Kimon and bring her. Sayoko said she found the girl extremely quiet, if not nice enough.

"She's so humble about everything. Doesn't allow herself to take praise."

"What makes you say THAT?"

"Oh...I just found out through that little talk we had that one night is all."

His head shook. He couldn't believe Sayoko was that up-front with Kimon, probably because few dared. But that was his sister and there was no real way to explain her. "What do you have going Sunday? I don't have classes that day. I promised Sayoko I'd help her with the business, but I think she'll let me skip out for an hour or two to pick you up and return back."

The corner of her mouth puckered. Now she felt like she was a bother. If Cye wasn't out here for anything major, it was a waste of gas just to come here to pick her up. She now made everything seem so stupid and overindulgent. All for her. "I'm free that day too. Are you sure there's nothing else you have going on in Tokyo? I feel like I'm making you take a long trip out of your way just to pick me up-"

A finger on her lips startled her into effective silence. She blinked wide eyes and stared up to his face. "Don't worry about it. I don't mind making the trip. If I didn't, I wouldn't have consented to you coming over. But...as a small price, what say you help me put the finishing touches on my latest paper?"

She couldn't help but grin, even through the nervous fluttering in her stomach that kept going even after contact was broken. "I suppose it'd be a penance for making you waste gas on me-"

The finger went right back to her mouth, quieting her a second time. "I'll have no more talk like that. If you keep going on that train of thought, I'm liable to be insulted." He playfully kidded. "If not me, then yourself at least."

She looked away, but didn't deny that statement. She often did that to herself, mostly without knowing it. Beating herself down mostly came naturally anymore. "Then it's agreed. Whenever you feel appropriate to pick me up, just call before you leave and I'll make sure to be ready. When you get to the complex, just buzz to apartment 232 and I'll be down as soon as I can."

"Sounds like a plan. See you then."

She listened in stunned silence as he walked away before finally turning to her exit. She was...actually DOING this?? She should've felt exalted...HAPPY even. She was getting to see his mother again and have a wish fulfilled. So why did it feel like she was a bundle of nerves at what felt like the biggest deciding factor of to a friendship of some sort?