Endure No More.
Part 1.
Disclaimer: If it has anything to do with Dark Angel or its production company, then it's not mine. I wish I did own something, but I don't.
Author's Note: This has previously been posted at both Gumboot Mafia and Nuns with Pens. I've finally plucked up the courage to post it here.
Thanks to scarlet for convincing me that I should continue this story, even though I had already relegated it to the 'nice try, but ain't happening' folder on my computer.
Huge thanks once again to zacbele for helping me when I got stuck and didn't know how to continue.
This is my first attempt at angst of any type, and also my first attempt at something other than a stand alone, so please bear with me.
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Alec paced around his apartment like a graceful yet cornered feline, which was exactly how he felt. Cornered. The aftermath of the botched supply run still playing in his mind, and thoughts of Max yet again blaming him, even though it wasn't his fault.
Although he had experienced feelings of pain, anguish and even love from his time at Manticore, he had never felt like this before. So. So. AAARRGGHHH. He couldn't even begin to describe what he was feeling. That's what made it worse. Not knowing what it was.
On the one hand, he was pretty sure he loved Max or at least he had up until today. He loved her fire and her passion, it was just a shame she was such a moany, whiny, 'blame everyone but herself' bitch as well.
Then again, on the other hand, he hated how she made him feel. Sure, sometimes when they bickered he felt more alive then ever before, but most of the time it hurt - hurt him bad. He was getting sick of always having to hide his pain. He could feel the mask slipping more and more each day. But, there was no way in hell he would ever let her know the extent of pain and heartache her words caused him. He refused to give her that kind of power.
He was fairly certain that Max had some semblance of feelings toward him other than hate. Afterall, if she truly hated him, she would just ignore him rather than let him hang around her. The problem was that even if she did have feelings of anything besides hatred towards him, getting her to admit it would be next to impossible. Hell would freeze over and pigs would fly before that ever happened.
He knew - well he hoped - that she didn't actually mean all those hurtful things she said about him on a daily basis. That saying about sticks and stones is a whole load of bollocks. At least physical injury and pain goes away, and rather quickly for a transgenic. But verbal abuse, now that's whole a different story. Hear it often enough and you start to believe it, despite the fact that deep down you know it's not true.
He felt as though he was no longer someone he respected. How could he when he allowed her to treat him like shit? And, despite feeling this way, he kept coming back for more. He was beginning to doubt himself and that was what he hated most of all. The fact that Max could make him feel so insecure about himself.
It wasn't as if she had ever taken the time to talk to him. She had never showed any interest in getting to know the real Alec, with the exception of that one time after Rachel's death. But he hadn't been willing to open up to her at the time, especially not about something so personal. The pain was still too deep and raw. There was no way on earth he had been willing to open up to Max about Rachel, especially when she had only been asking because she had pitied him and felt obligated - not because she truly cared or was interested.
How dare she make any assumptions on the type of person he was. Who the fuck did she think she was? He had been out in the real world for little under a year and yet she expected him to be perfectly assimilated into society - a model human citizen. First off, how the hell was he supposed to know how a model citizen behaved. And secondly, he wasn't completely human . . . the good old 'US of A' didn't consider him a citizen even though he had done his duty to his country when ordered.
How long did it take for 'Miss I Am Better Than Thou' to become a model citizen, if one could even call it that. That's right, it only happened in the last year after she had met up with Logan. Speaking of Logan, that whole 'we're not like that' crap was starting to wear pretty thin. If they weren't like that then why the hell was she still blaming him for the virus? And, what was with the whole 'blame the entire planet's problems on Alec'? Just because her life sucked at the moment there was no need to take it out on him.
He was at the end of his tether. He wasn't sure how long he could keep up his façade. He had to make a decision, and make it fast, because all this indecision was eating away at him and making him doubt himself.
And, it was this doubt and confusion that made him feel cornered, trapped.