The Moment
Prequel to In Unguarded Moments
"I want to let go of all the pain I carry inside, so many years fighting back tears, why can't the past just heal, wish all the fighting would just stop, never realized what a torment it was living in a place where you're suppose to feel safe and all you feel is trapped. So insecure from all the pain and all I feel is ashamed when these feelings well up inside and all I can do is hide inside myself, Dream of a day when I won't feel less then what I really am..."
Ian stood in the training room of Kenneth Irons' mansion. His hair was pulled back and his breathing highly elevated as sweat glistened on his body. He was wearing a black wife beater and loose comfortable cargo pants, also black.
With a deep breath he moved his right hand up, rubbing tenderly at his left wrist. Despite having taped his wrists up it seemed like he had still injured it. "And I suppose that is what I get..." His words were spoken softly as Ian stared down past his hands and to the cool dark mat that covered the practice room. In front of him hung a red punching bag, still swaying gently in the silent aftermath of his anger.
His dark eyes closed as he worked his jaw back and fourth. Lately it seemed anger was getting the better of him. Welling up inside so much it hurt. Loyalty, love, obedience… Need. All of it came into conflict. For the first time in his life he was truly torn. Loyalty and obedience pulling him one way, love, need and his loyalty to her, pulling him another.
"What is your primary objective?" Ian growled deep in his throat. Jumping suddenly, he did a spinning heel kick to the punching bag, "To protect you." As he landed, his right fist was brought into an upper cut striking the bag at gut level. "After that?" An animal like snarl came from Nottingham before he yelled in frustration, anger and pain. Through clenched teeth he hissed the answer aloud, "I protect Sara Pezzini.." As the words left his lips his left fist came down so hard into the bag the vinyl cracked and the chain creaked above him.
Ian breathed heavily, his head lowered and he took a few steps back when the bag swung back and clipped him in the shoulder. The burning sting that shot down his fingers and the tingle that ran down his wrist and into his arm made him blink rapidly.
"Why does she have this hold over me..."Gently he brought his left hand up and cradled it to his chest, focusing on slowing his breathing, lowering his heart rate.
"You find her striking do you not?" Green eyes flashed in his mind, lovely auburn hair streaked with soft golden highlights fluttered in the breeze. Ian shook his head and looked around, still holding his wrist to his chest. With a deep sigh he slowly made his way from the training room and headed back for his own to shower and change.
Hot steam rolled across the cold bathroom floor, a soft hiss escaped Ian as he stepped into the shower, feeling the hot droplets roll and stream down his back and shoulders. Tilting his head back his eyes closed as the hot water massaged over his scalp and he tried to forget. Forget her, forget Irons, forget the empty aching need he felt in his heart. He just wanted to let go, let go of it all, the pain the anger and need.
Growling he grabbed up the shampoo and washed his hair. Out. He needed to go out, he needed to get away. Shaking his hair around he leaned into the spray of the showerhead to wash the shampoo out. He was starting to feel antsy. The past several weeks had seen the start of feeling this way, feeling the sudden need to go out, to get away. Hastily he soaped up his body, running the bar over his chest, down his arms, back across his chest again, not really caring about getting totally clean, only focused on getting out.
Closing his eyes Ian moved directly under the spray of the water and let it wash over him. Once the last of the suds had spiraled away down the drain he turned the water off and stood in the shower, staring at the dark blue tile for a moment, allowing his body to drip off some of the excess water, then ran his hands through his hair, squeezing out more water.
Cool floor tiles contrasted with the sauna like heat that rose around his body as he stepped out of the shower. Steam had fogged the mirror and Ian blinked softly before walking to it and wiping away a streak with the side of his fist. Dark eyes looked back at him from behind the glass. Eyes that Ian hardly recognized. For a moment he wondered what he'd look like if he shaved, but dismissed the notion and sighed softly, padding over to the rack that held the bathroom towels.
Having dried himself off Nottingham emerged from the bathroom and went directly to his closet, pulling down a form fitting black cotton shirt that had a soft sheerness to it, then a nice pair of black cargoes, his favorite ones. He wasn't sure just what he intended to do, but for some reason he wanted to look nice.
A midnight blue sky collided with crimson and citrus hues of the setting sun. He had been watching her for most of the afternoon, silently trailing her and trying to work out in his mind what it was he intended to do.
Sara also had been having a hard day, that much he could sense without even having to be near her. It was with him when he closed his eyes, when he breathed the same air she did. He stood on the rooftop of an apartment complex not far from Sara's own loft. Ian had followed her home from work, wanting to make sure she would be all right.
Nottingham tilted his head down and to the side, closing his dark eyes. Effortlessly he leapt from the top of the building and down to a lower balcony. Landing he remained crouched, moving his head like a hunting lion checking the alertness of his prey. Once he was satisfied no one was around he rose, and walked to the iron fence that separated the balcony from the open space of air.
Before he could stop himself Ian pulled his cell phone from the pocket of his trench coat and flipped it open, pressing auto dial 1, for Sara. Taking a deep breath he found himself backing away into the shadow of the balcony's half roof, as if the darkness could provide him with some sort of protection.
"Pezzini, go." Pez's voice sounded tired and strained as it hit his ears, but Ian smiled, feeling a warmth envelop him at the mere sound of her voice. Dipping his head Nottingham answered her. His tone of voice was soft and almost pleading.
"Sara, I know you've had a hard day… Would you mind accompanying me to dinner? We could see a movie if you like, anything you want."
On the other end of the phone Sara Pezzini blinked with large blue green eyes as she sat on her couch, a hand at her head. Ian Nottingham was asking her out. The pure suddenness of it shocking her silent, but only for a moment. Setting her jaw she rose from her couch and preceded to pace around her living room.
"You've got to be kidding… Ian… Nottingham, what gives you the vague impression that I would ever want to go out with you?"
Ian closed his eyes, his head lowering at her words. "Sara, I only-"
"No! Ian! You listen, all right? I have no interest in you what so ever! I don't know what makes you think you can just call me up out of the blue and ask for a date, after all the shit you and Irons have pulled! And as far as I'm concerned you can drop dead." Seething Sara ground her teeth, this was the last thing she needed to deal with. Dante was riding her ass at work, Jake was being, well Jake and to top it all off she had been growing increasingly paranoid of what Irons next move might be.
Unconsciously Ian moved even further into the shadow of the balcony. With his eyes still closed he worked his jaw, waiting for Sara to finish her yelling. When her voice finally died down Ian forced a smile to grace his lips, "As you wish Lady Sara… Good night."
Slowly bringing the phone down, Ian closed it with a heavy sigh. Why had he thought she'd go with him? He knew how she felt.
Walking to the railing, he placed his hands on the cold steel and looked down, listening to the sounds of the city, trying desperately to block out the pain in his heart. Taking a step back Ian lighted the rail with grace and ease, walking along the top of it, looking down to the street below.
"It would be so easy..." Nottingham leaned forward, spreading his arms slightly out and behind him and continued to stare down below, lost in the moment…