DISCLAIMER: We do not own any part, large or small, of Tolkien's universe -- the Great Master controlls All. Jay and Acacia own the PPC and all things related therein. We do not even own the stories that are PPCed here. Do not sue us, for we are lacking in money. In other words, read and enjoy. If the latter is not applicable, flame at will. We have no way of stopping you. :)
Thalia sighed. Another day, another assignment…today would probably be no exception. "Blame Peter Jackson" was the chorus around the Lord of the Rings Mary-Sue section of late. There hadn't been a moment of downtime for most agents since the advent of Orlando Bloom. The dreaded arrival of the movie had put most fangirls in a frenzy which rivaled that of the previous movie in the trilogy, if indeed it were not greater.
Thalia, listening to the blessed sound of silence (punctuated by the occasional snores of Shada, her partner, from behind her), picked up her long-abandoned crocheting. She was trying to make a sock, for reasons unknown to mankind.
*BEEEEEEEEEEP!* The noise jolted Shada out of her light sleep and caused Thalia to lose her delicate concentration. "Damn, damn, damn!" cried Thalia, throwing down the knitting.
Shada groaned and went over to check the console. Large, red letters displayed the dread words. "Lovely. Another Legomance," she muttered darkly.
It began to blare again, displaying another message. "CANON DISRUPTANCE IN SECTOR 38B! EMERGENCY SITUATION!" it said.
"Isn't that what it said yesterday?" Thalia asked, peering at the screen inquisitively.
Shada glared at the large machine. She nodded. Couldn't it have a little variation? Then she looked closer, and snickered slightly.
"What?" her partner asked curiously.
"Enelya…Enelya Elensar," replied Shada, suppressing a snort as she read the Mary-Sue's name out loud. What badfic writers called originality got nothing but hearty laughs from the Sue Department.
"Damn," muttered Thalia, marveling at the stupidity of that name. A thought occurred to her. "Remember Lathewanimanithelliwen Nightfallravenclaws?" she asked, laughing heartily.
Shada snickered. That had been amusing. (Well, to the Protectors at least. The Mary-Sue had ended up as a hood ornament for one of her friends, as a birthday present. Lathe…probably hadn't enjoyed the experience.)
Shada laced up her boots and steadied her sword in its scabbard. Nothing beat good old-fashioned weapons. "Ready to go?" she asked her partner.
"Eya," Thalia replied briefly, swinging a huge brown backpack over her shoulder. Her axe was secured tightly to her back by a leather strap. "Time to kill a 'Sue."
Shada agreed wordlessly. The portal opened without a sound, revealing a…
…Rather nondescript wood.
It was completely silent.
Shada took a glance round. "Hmm," she mused. "Very suspicious. The Sue must have killed off all local wildlife in order to hear herself speak more clearly." She looked round again. "Where are we? I don't recognize this place."
"Probably invented by the author, then," Thalia replied. She spotted something. "What's that?"
"I don't know," Shada said, squinting. They looked slightly familiar… "They're…green."
"Green?" Thalia looked closer. "Orcs?!"
Shada shuddered. "They can't possibly…"
"Green…Orcs…" Thalia muttered dazedly. They also seemed to be smelling slightly of mint.
Which was odd, as Shada remembered them having a slightly fouler scent. "Spearmint," the taller brunette confirmed. Then she backed away. She had to check that her disguise was working before they could continue through the plot.
"Yeah, your ears are pointy," Thalia told her partner with a wry grin. Shada was somewhat paranoid about costumes.
"Heh…" Shada laughed weakly, relieved. She was glad that they had not been cloaked as the minty green Orcs. It certainly would have been an interesting experience, though.
The bright green would have given them away even in the pitch black of night. In fact, both Protectors were fairly sure that the Orcs could glow in the dark with such a…unique…color.
In fact, "cloaked" wasn't even an applicable word for a disguise such as that.
"Nice to be Elves for once, eh?" Thalia commented, reading her partner's thoughts.
She then stopped, sniffing deeply. "I smell blood," the short, dark-skinned girl announced, once again exhibiting the creepy bloodhound quality that had made her a champion in the PPC. "That way."
"Who is it?" asked Shada, dreading her answer.
"Smells like…an Elf."
Shada did not reply. Instead she broke into a dead run. Thalia followed close behind, and soon they emerged at the fringes of a small battle.
"The Fellowship vs. the Spearmint Orcs," snickered Thalia.
Shada would have laughed along with her, but she was too busy seething at Legolas' characterization. He was firing his bow like a demented chipmunk. She snarled. Damn writer…
If you could call her a writer.
"Oh my god!" Legolas had been stabbed by a large green Orc.
"DAGO HAN, LEGOLAS! DAGO HAN!" screamed Aragorn. Parentheses thundered through the air. (Kill him, Legolas. Kill him.) Thalia groaned loudly. Shada judged from her enraged expression that the abuse of Aragorn's speech would cost the Sue.
"…Ow…" muttered Shada, rubbing her head.
"Parentheses. Painful," agreed her friend. Someone had left the caps lock on for far too long as well.
Legolas was being attacked again. "Argh!" Shada screamed a battle cry, and tried to run towards the fray, but Thalia stopped her.
"Wait for the Sue. We can't interfere with the plot," she whispered fiercely.
After a lull, they both stood very still for a moment. "Wait," said Shada, noticing something for the first time. "Where are the hobbits? And Gandalf?"
They had disappeared.
"Probably still acting out the plot somewhere," Thalia replied.
There was a grunt. Legolas had been hit by an arrow, and was lying unconscious on the ground.
"Shit!" Shada cursed softly, straining futilely against Thalia's restraining grip.
As the Protectors watched, the battle continued, Legolas getting stabbed a few more times for good measure (at least, in the faux author's eyes).
"When does the Sue come in?" Shada asked impatiently. "I want to kill her…"
"Turning Legolas into a deranged chipmunk, making him get stabbed and then shot for no reason," Thalia scribbled on her pad of paper, starting the charge list, which should have been begun even earlier. They would return to the Orc-injustice later on.
They watched, impatiently and half-deafened from the earlier parentheses attack, for the Mary-Sue to finally make her entrance. "She's certainly taking her time," said Shada irritably. Out of nowhere-literally-an arrow appeared.
"LEGOLAS! MOVE!" Aragorn screamed again, his voice carrying clearly over to the Protectors.
"Why is she making him shout like that?" Thalia muttered crossly.
They noticed at that moment that the world had slowed, oddly.
Shada had lost whatever patience she had. She fingered the hilt of her sword as she waited. A strange moaning noise permeated the glade before she realized that it was the wind in slow-motion. Then, the arrow finally hit Legolas.
"What the hell was that?" muttered Thalia as time snapped back into place. "What is this, Discworld?"
Shada rolled her eyes. "Who needs Discworld when you have so much badfic to wade through?" she asked sardonically.
"At least Discworld is enjoyable," Thalia replied indignantly, completely missing the point.
"Wait a minute!" Shada exclaimed.
A whinny and some erratic hoof-beats sounded from somewhere.
"Are they on…horses?" She squinted.
"They weren't a minute ago."
"Don't Orcs ride *Wargs*?" Shada asked, rhetorically. She eyed the horses with pity. "Poor things," she murmured. She grabbed the charge list, a small notepad, and began to scrawl something else on it.
"This is badfic, anything can happen," Thalia snorted.
Before they could further discuss the issue, more hoof-beats sounded. The Canon Device bleeped loudly and urgently, even more so than it had been doing for the past ten minutes. A piercing whinny filled the air.
"That would be the Sue," Shada said grimly.
They both cast their gaze to the distant figure. It was shining faintly, an obvious sign of plot disruption. The horse plunged up and down, bucking wildly.
"You think it has rabies?" Thalia muttered to Shada, who stifled an uncharacteristic giggle.
"It's quite likely in this story," she answered. "Although I've never known a horse to have rabies. But it's probably just repelled by the Sueness of what's-her-name."
"Enelya," Thalia replied, snickering. Shada shrugged. As if she could be expected to remember a 'Sue's name. They were there to hunt the Sue down, not to become acquainted with it.
The Orcs, randomly, began running away: afraid of the Sue, no doubt. Shada caught a trace of exasperation in their eyes. Maybe the Orcs weren't as stupid as she'd thought…
…Or maybe they had realized that green wasn't their natural color and come to the correct conclusion.
The 'Sue, cloaked, came clopping down the hill on her lovely horse. (Was it natural for horses to have eyelashes that thick?) Gimli recoiled, just perceptibly, as the 'Sue trotted past him. Shada smiled. At least there was one who wasn't taken in by her wiles.
The ensuing conversation was too faint to be heard from the Protectors' vantage point, unlike Aragorn's screaming from before.
All they could see was the 'Sue picking up the wounded Legolas, wrapping him up in a cloth, and placing him on her horse. Things started to get woozy, and the Protectors guessed they were in for a scene change. The scene blurred, and blurred again, and…
They were still there.
"What happened?" Thalia asked. Unfortunately, now the forest was deserted save for the two Protectors. "They should be in that random castle now…" Thalia muttered, scanning the Words.
"But…we're not," Shada remarked flatly. She thought about it for a moment, before everything blacked out.
Shada awoke, rubbing her head. Thalia was sprawled nearby, groaning. "…Ow…" they both moaned, simultaneously.
"I think we took a wrong turn," Shada mumbled.
They scanned the area. Nearby, a castle stood tall. It seemed to be growing right out of the ground. But that could have just been because it was green.
"Lessee…nondescript castle, nondescript gate, nondescript garden…looks like we're in the right place," Thalia muttered, still rubbing her head.
"Yeah, pretty nondescript alright…" Shada said.
"How do we get in?"
"Er…walk in?" Shada suggested.
"Works."
They walked past the gates and onward. For some reason the drawbridge was open; Shada muttered something derogatory about castle security nowadays. Everything was a vague, nauseating greenish color inside. There were no details to speak of. They didn't see a single ornament on the walls, which were green on the inside as well.
"I Valar! What is this person's fixation on green?!" cried Shada.
"Don't know, don't care," replied Thalia, attempting to walk with her eyes shut.
"You'd think she'd be a little more creat-oh," she said, remembering who was writing this story.
"Where the hell are we?" Shada asked, looking disorientedly around.
"This place is a maze! Could be a green version of Headquarters," Thalia replied.
Shada concurred silently, trying not to think about it. That in itself was a nightmare. To take her mind off of it, she ran through the script. "Empty room" described the Sue's present location. That didn't seem to be much help.
By luck, chance, or an eager to be helped plot continuum, they stumbled across the room they were meant to find. The 'Sue was bent over Legolas, chanting something. The two agents hid behind a convenient wall. This one was a pleasant shade of lime green. (At least it was better than chartreuse.)
Shada listened intently, then hissed, "What was this writer on? That's not Sindarin!"
"It sounds like monkey Japanese," Thalia whispered back.
"Foomee," she muttered to herself, smiling goofily. They fell silent as the 'Sue looked suspiciously round for a moment, then resumed her work.
The candles in the room, lit "magically," were shining brightly. However, due to a quirk in their description, the flames had the curious effect of taking the shape of small, naked versions of the 'Sue.
"How's that?" Thalia wondered, looking at the Words. Both Protectors averted their eyes. That would give them nightmares for a very long time to come.
After a few interminable moments of chanting, the 'Sue began to bandage his wounds. "At least she's doing something sensible," Shada muttered.
They looked on as the miserable excuse for an Elf-maiden lay down by his side, surely feigning sleep. A strange noise emanated from her.
"What's that?" Shada asked, worried. It sounded like she was radioactive!
"Mmm…" Thalia mused. Then she realized what it was, and burst out laughing. "Ha! The 'Sue is snoring!" The two chortled silently until the night faded away into dawn. This of course took about twenty seconds.
That same morning (it could have been afternoon; one never could tell), Legolas, Aragorn and 'Sue-girl traded words for a few moments. Aragorn exited, allegedly to check on Gimli; the Sue brought in some random liquid for Legolas. which was supposed to help him sleep.
"Nin esta Enelya Elensar," she declared to the confused Elf. (My name is Enelya Elensar) read the subtitles.
Thalia and Shada giggled wildly for a few moments at this, smothering their laughter with anything and everything they could find.
Luckily, their wild laughter went unnoticed. Maybe all the Elves in this castle were insane, and it was normal here.
Then Shada stopped, watching the 'Sue intently. That was *not* passable Elvish. One could not simply speak the words in an English accent and call it Sindarin. She retrieved her notepad and wrote something down in it: Attempting to pass "Monkey Japanese" for Elvish.
Their mirth was quashed when Protectors watched in horror as Legolas downed the potion the 'Sue had concocted.
After they had recoiled in terror, fearing that she had drugged her innocent victim, the 'Sue Elf was saying something again. Actually, she was singing.
Shada's head swiveled so fast Thalia swore it made a snapping noise. "Is she," the Protector said in a very soft, deadly voice, "quoting Galadriel?" A slight hissing noise could be heard from Shada as she listened. She scribbled feverishly.
"Gah," Thalia muttered, attempting to block her ears. The metallic, whining voice of the 'Sue apparently had magical qualities that allowed it to pierce the inches of fabric that Thalia had swaddled her ears with. She thought the crocheting would come in handy. Unfortunately she was wrong.
Indeed, it was Galadriel's song to the Fellowship in Lothlórien-but in a vaguely Australian accent, and not a pleasant one. It was an abomination.
After finishing the horrible medley, the 'Sue stood up and kissed Legolas' brow, stepping lightly out of the room. Shada bit her lip until it bled glaring at the retreating figure.
The swirly blackness enveloped them once more.
There was an abrupt woozy feeling similar to the last, and the scene changed again.
Shada and Thalia felt the slight dizziness as the scene abruptly shifted. They were now outside in some sort of vaguely described garden.
Hanging from a nearby turret. By their boots.
"Help!" squeaked Thalia, who was terrified of heights.
"Thank the Valar for super-strength, PPC-issue shoelaces," Shada said (in accordance with the Laws of Narrative Comedy, she said this right before the laces gave way and they plummeted to the ground). They landed in the noticeably green grass, which easily cushioned their fall, strangely enough. For once, the strange gravity rules of 'Suedom had worked to their advantage. Nearby, the conversation between Aragorn and Enelya was beginning.
"Why do you veil yourself?" asked Aragorn.
Thalia growled. "She better not mess with him," she muttered protectively, clenching a fist around her crocheting needles.
"Stay calm," murmured Shada, taking her turn at placating an angry partner.
"I keep hidden my face," answered the Sue, "To strangers."
Shada winced at the poor usage of capitalization and punctuation. "Scintillating," she muttered dryly.
"You know," Shada added as a side-thought as she watched the ensuing dialogue, especially the 'Sue, "those needles look very sharp and painful." She gave Thalia a innocent glance.
Thalia grinned, somewhat evilly. Upon noticing the looks on their faces, a normal person would have, at that point, decided that it would be extremely advantageous to them to run in the opposite direction, as fast as they could. They would probably have been right.
The miserable dialogue continued.
"But. surly I am not a stranger." said Aragorn.
Thalia rolled her eyes. "Nope, not sullen either," she muttered, glaring.
Shada watched Aragorn lift the 'Sue's veil. Thalia wore a mask of rage, whispering fiercely to herself about the multiple ways to kill a 'Sue. "Decapitation, strangulation, electrocution, guillotine, garrote…"
The unveiled 'Sue looked a great deal like a platinum version of Galadriel. Her curls looked as if they had been jelled down savagely. It was-it was a complete nightmare. It was hard to look at her without wincing.
Thalia hid her eyes while Shada scanned the Words. She. looked like Arwen in some manner. …Prettier than Arwen… ?!?! The statement was made even worse by the spontaneous periods that seemed to be peppering the conversation.
Shada looked disgusted. This miserable excuse for an Elf was not putting her in a good mood.
"Yeah, and I bet she thinks she'd give Tinuviel a run for her money," Thalia scoffed. "Puh-lease."
Aragorn stood silently as Enelya shed a cloak she had not been wearing a minute ago.
Flowers appeared in her hair as if by magic…
Thalia blinked, then lunged in for the kill. Shada only managed to hold her back with extreme force. "Thalia, calm down!" she hissed. "The longer we wait, the more we can charge her with! And that only leads to extra torture." She grinned, a sinister smile that didn't seem to reach her eyes.
"Calm…calm…calm…" Thalia whispered, her chest heaving. "Caaaalm…" She gradually subsided, whispering threats through clenched teeth.
Aragorn had started talking. Enelya interrupted him.
"…Aragorn, she is my sister."
Thalia gasped. "The chutzpah," she whispered, clenching a fist.
Shada took it all at face value; she had seen this particular type of 'Sue before. Instead of reacting violently, she grabbed her pen again and wrote something lengthy down.
The 'Sue began to rant about a special type of Elven Kiss, and Shada tuned out after scribbling something else down.
However, her partner was not so calm. "This is flipping INSIPID," Thalia muttered angrily, glaring at the 'Sue. "She's totally ruined Aragorn!"
Shada quickly grabbed Thalia's needles and stowed them away in her pack before her friend could do anything rash. That she could save for later.
Suddenly, the scene decided to change. (Again.) Luckily, plotholes were in a friendly mood today, and they landed only two feet above the floor.
That beautiful voice sang again. Her song was soothing. It was near, so near. Shada coughed loudly upon reading the current section of the Words. This was just too funny.
"Legolas," she whispered. "im lîn yaana Legolas." Her voice faded, he felt the warm touch on his cheek. It was morning. Legolas opened his eyes.
The sounds of Britney Spears brutally assaulted the Protectors' ears. It came from far away…yet the sound pierced cloud, shadow, earth and flesh. Shada feared for Legolas, whose sensitive ears were most likely permanently damaged by the cacophony.
"AAAAAAARGHRASSSNFRASSSNKASSSNSPLASSNDAMNMARYSUE!" Thalia yelled, jumping up and down angrily. "You SHOULD HAVE LET ME KILL HER!"
Luckily, they were far enough away that the 'Sue didn't hear. Or perhaps she was too involved in her "singing" to care…
Nearby, Legolas moved as if in a drunken stupor. Somehow he managed, in his injured condition, to get out of the bed and run out of the room.
"What's she doing?" hissed Shada angrily. "Bad enough she injured him so badly, but to make him run around…he should be bedridden!" Then she noticed something odd.
"Scary…" Thalia muttered, watching the gory wounds and bandages disappear. Altering the biochemical healing process, she scribbled.
Another plothole dumped them ceremoniously upon the grass once again. It was very soft and springy. Shada feared it was like a mutated version of quicksand…minus the sand, that is. She scrambled to her feet. Nearby, there was a very un-Elvish-looking platform.
"I'll never get used to that," Thalia muttered. "Traveling by plothole…gah…"
Rubbing her head, Shada glanced at the platform. "Doesn't that look like a piece of the train station from the Harry Potter series?" she asked. She shook her head. This was not good. Not only was the faux author messing with the characters, she was screwing with the locations even more badly than usual. Badfic crossovers were horrible.
By now, both Legolas and Enelya were standing on the dais. Her dress was rapidly changing color as she turned to face Legolas.
Shada looked grimly down at the floor. "Concrete. I might have known."
The flowers were still in her hair, and the Protector gave them a suspicious look. "I didn't think carnations were native to Middle-earth," she said.
She had the beauty of a thousand Elves, the grace of all the angels . She smiled. "Mae govannen, Legolas Thranduilion," she said. (Welcome, Legolas son of Thranduil.)
Shada elbowed Thalia. She had had enough. In fact, they had enough charges to put this 'Sue through several million lifetimes of torture. And the "Mae govannen" comment had been the last straw.
"Yes…" muttered Thalia under her breath, eagerly stepping forward.
"Enelya Elensar?" Shada said, clearly.
The 'Sue and Legolas turned around. "Yes?" the 'Sue said, managing to look both haughty and peeved at the same time.
"We hereby charge you with…" Thalia began to recite off the Charges. "Turning Legolas into a deranged chipmunk and having him be stabbed, shot, and generally almost killed for no particular reason. Making Aragorn shriek at the top of his lungs, frequently and ear-shatteringly. Using parentheses as a method of torture. Making Orcs both green and minty-fresh. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS, to whit: forcing horses to submit to Orcs riding them, which defies not only Canon, but the natural order of equine capability. Being obsessed with the color green. Lacking basic description skills. Trying to pass Monkey Japanese for Elvish. Mangling the English Language. Attempting to drug Legolas. Creating random forests and castles in the middle of nowhere---------"
"Wait!" the Elf broke in, midway through the charges.
"What?" Shada gazed at her coldly, affecting an Elrond Glower.
"Who are you?" asked the 'Sue. Shada scowled. It was the most clichéd Mary-Sue line she had ever heard. And it was used horribly.
"I am…YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!" Thalia boomed, giving in to temptation.
The 'Sue cowered pleasingly. Thalia could be pretty fearsome at times.
Legolas managed a small, relieved smile at the Mary-Sue's submission before he was forced to go into Un-Canonical Mode again. Then he attempted to go into Macho Defender of Sue Mode. He sprang for the 'Sue's would-be aggressors.
"No, Legolas," Shada said, catching his gaze. The Agent was known for her hypnotic stare, which was well-known to be able to influence almost anyone to do anything.
With the exception of Thalia.
Which was why they were partners.
Legolas obediently went back behind the 'Sue, and Shada continued with the charges. "Now, back to the charges…" she said, and Thalia took over.
"Stealing Galadriel's song, and turning it into an abomination. Upstaging canon characters to an unbelievable degree, to whit: Arwen. Screwing with the Halfelven family tree. Defying the laws of biochemistry and inventing a new and rather idiotic process, to whit: the Elven Kiss. Altering the biochemical healing process.
"And last but not least: really pissing off PPC agents, to whit: Thalia and Shada." Thalia shut the notebook with a bang, causing the 'Sue, who was now huddled on the concrete, to whimper.
"You are hereby banned, Enelya what's-your-surname, from Middle-earth," Shada proclaimed.
"And now…" Thalia said, dramatically, raising an arm. She could almost hear the rattle of drums.
"You die," her partner finished, simply. "Well," she amended, "after a while."
Thalia grinned, throwing a needle to Shada. "Ready?"
"Ready," her partner replied. They shared a touching moment of homicidal insanity, and Shada smiled her best Evil Leer (tm). The screams of the 'Sue echoed through the minty green forest.
As the Protectors carried out their work, somewhere in the background Legolas chuckled.
Authors' Notes
Shada: Thank you for joining us as we rid Middle-earth of this monstrosity of a Mary-Sue. As protectors, it is our duty to protect the LotR Canon and eradicate those who would attempt to maul it with their strange, flawless Original Characters and lack of respect for the Real Characters. I hope that our efforts will not be misunderstood as an unyielding flaming session or an immature prank; rather, Thalia and I fight the evilness of badfic in our own way, as only we can: as writers.
Thanks go to Mercuria for her aid in providing us with this story, and of course the original writer for composing such flagrant Mary-Sueism and badfic. May she serve as an example of poor fanfic for you all.
May the Valar protect you in your journey under the sky.
Thalia: Well, that was fun! I'm Thalia, the insane. But you knew that already J
PPCing is certainly an interesting adventure: braving the murky nether realms of badfic to bring a little joy and laughter into your humdrum lives. :P Kidding. Nice to see you readers here! *glomps you all* Review! Review! And I'll give you Galadriel Brand Lembas ™ Stolen from Jenna and some Bleeprin for your badfic…first reviewer gets a gift basket ;)
~Thalia