Title: Lost

Author: Kate

Summary: A short Abby monologue, during Foreign Affairs.  Luby.

Rating: G

Disclaimer: I don't own them.  But if anyone ever wants to give me a hug like that, I'll claim it.

~*~

Everything is moving in slow motion, and I'm speechless, his words echoing through my mind. "I'm going to the Congo." I think I never actually expected him to go, and I'm filled with this irreparable sense of loss, as if he's already gone. As if I've already lost him.

Which, of course, I have. I lost him long ago, when I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice his. I lost him when I was too busy feeling upstaged by a ghost I should have never worried about in the first place. I lost him when I passively accepted him handing me over to another man. Why I'm just now realizing what exactly I've lost is beyond me.

He's looking at me strangely, and then suddenly he smiles. A genuine smile, I'm surprised to see, but a sad one. I think I know before he does that he'll reach for me, and I step into his embrace almost automatically, almost before he offers it.

I'm surprised to find that I still fit perfectly. I'd forgotten how big he feels. I have never known a man who can so completely envelop me like he can. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, pressing my ear against his shoulder where I can hear his heart beating. I am mesmerized for a moment as memories wash over me, unbidden.

Suddenly, it – he – becomes too much. I don't want to – no, I shouldn't – be feeling this. I feel my forehead crinkle as I desperately try to hold back tears. Pulling back quickly, I can't look at him right away. My voice catches against my will as I plead, "Take care of yourself." Then I look at him, straight in the eyes, and he's smiling his sad smile for me again. "I mean it," I emphasize, almost desperately.

I don't comprehend whatever else he's said to me. "Hold down the fort," but I don't know how I will do that without him. And already I'm missing his arms around me. The warmth from his touch still lingers on my back but I feel myself beginning to get cold. This is ridiculous, I try to tell myself, but he's looking at me, smiling and preparing to leave and this feels anything but ridiculous.

And all too soon, he's gone. The door swings shut behind him and I'm left alone again.