Chap 21. Sven was gonna write some last night, but never got it done. So I'll start this one off.
Questions.....Weaver....we WILL have her blown up..we promise. Romano is just itching to use
the Rocket Launcher. It will most likely be in Chameleon, the Spoof....after the end of this one.
Unfortunately, we have to bring her back afterwards.....bummer, huh? Spoofs...Okay, this is a
thing we do for the sheer fun of it. What we do is select a movie (usually popular ones) we get
rid of the cast, we re cast the thing with characters from other movies, books, and TV shows, and
sometimes even characters we made up (see Chris Mason, and Fiddles), then as the Authors, we
re write the whole thing as if we were filming a movie, our aim being to crack the characters we
use. At the end of this section, we will post the Moments list. This is the funniest phrases we've
had said in all the spoofs by acting, directing, and Peanut Gallery Characters. Oh yeah, we have a
Peanut Gallery to ridicule the whole thing. And of course as you've seen, we have a number of
characters who have become favorites and Assistants to us. Carter and Ardeth are amongst the
favorites, as is Logan, Nightcrawler, and a few more. Assistants include Pippin, Ramone from the
beginning of this, Chris Mason, Julian, Romano, Kovac, and Elizabeth is up for Assistant as soon
as she returns to the set, as is Lucy. Usually our spoofs end up sounding like a cross between
the Jerry Springer Show and kindergarteners fighting on the playground. We view maturity as
"overrated". Any other questions reguarding the spoofs? We have a lot of things you'd expect
in Looney Tunes, Animaniacs, and your usual slapstick comedy....with a bit of violence thrown in
for fun. But we bring back every person we kill.
Okay...Dave's talent. We mentioned it as invisibility. He has the ability to make himself and any-
thing around him invisible. Kovac can change the color of inamimate objects. Chen can change
her hair color at will, Lizzie as you've already seen is the fire starter, Romano can't be killed, and
we're pretty sure there's more to his talent than that....Carter..yes...he can not be harmed by magic
so if someone tries to hurt him with magic, they can't. And we're pretty sure that this is with non-
magic as well. His talent protects itself, so no one can say out loud what it is. Gallant...um give
me a sec. *looks it up--yes we have a list** Okay, acc to the list, he can change the color of
water. Not a big talent, but confusing, non the less. I think that's all the questions. As I said,
we'll post the moments list at the end of this chapter and give you a look at the spoofs.
Oh right, Pratt ain't on set. He doesn't have a talent. We don't like Pratt. We hate Pratt. We think
Jing Mei should run away with Dave and jump in a love spring. Any other questions?
**************************************************************************
For the record, Cassi's knees are killing her and her lortab has not kicked in yet....give me a few
minutes. Sven wants to say she hates English. She just got back from class. Cassi flunked
English and yet knows more about writting than Sven does. Why did I flunk? Well, it turns out
that attendence is part of your grade. I got hit by a truck and picked up every virus that popped
up that year. However, my writting skills are very good, as I actually paid attention when I was
there. Sven is still unsure of nouns and verbs. So now that your English lesson has ended,
what to type next.....Did you know that in Mexico, you can't flush toilet paper down the toilet?
It's true. It screws up their plumming or something. Also Mexican Coca Cola tastes a lot like
American Pepsi! Except it's better. We lived on "Coca" in Mexico. Coca for breakfast, Coca for
dinner, and then there's Coca breaks during the day. They have a nice Coca store next to the
church in Mexico. 2 and a half pesos for a bottle (glass bottle) of Coca. Very nice. Okay, lortab
starting to work now, so I can go until, me and Sven have to take videos back and take Pepe to
the vet....my kitten, not the skunk. Pepe is Freckles' younger brother. Notice I say younger and
not little? This is because Pepe is twice as big as Freckles. Freckles is an hour and 15 minutes
older than Pepe. Okay, we've had an English lesson, a lesson on Mexican habits, and the re-
hash of my cats. So now I think we can turn on the Pokemon music and finally start the section,
as my pill has kicked in fully....Cassi very happy now. ^_^ Sven tells me we need to get back to
the Cooties war....the guys need another hostage and they've found the girls base. For the record
Anspaugh and Weaver are tied to chairs in the lounge, and Babcock is still a gerbil.....much to
his dismay. Well, he was kind of stupid, face it. True, he didn't know about Ardeth's talent, but
still.....it should have tipped him off when Lizzie set the room on fire. On with the spoof!!!!
Dispite the fact that this is in a different format than our spoofs, and we have had trouble with
this...as you will notice a few areas where we forget past-tense. or however that's spelled. Any-
how, we're simply saying that this has become a spoof. We have the main characters, the
secondary characters, and the Peanut Gallery, not to mention the Authors and their Assistants.
**************************************************************************
Meanwhile, oblivious to the goings on downstairs, Gallant, Boyo, and Cyke were up in the
Psyche ward. They had duct taped the doctors and nurses to chairs to keep them out of the way.
Now, they were bored, and playing cards. They had only briefly looked up when the fire alarm
had gone off, assuming Phyro was at it again, before continuing with the game. They had seen
no girls in the area, and as far as they knew, Wolvie and Snaggle were still watching MystiQ....
when they weren't insulting each other, that is.
"How long have we been here?" Boyo asked, sounding bored.
"About an hour." Gallant replied, sounding just as bored.
"What do we do now?" Cyke asked, flopping his cards down on the little table.
Before anyone could answer, the phone rang. Boyo calmly picked it up. "Hello?" He answered,
politely. "Oh, okay. Hang on. He's right here." He held the phone out to Cyke. "They want
you."
Cyke frowned. "How did they know I wath here?" He asked, frowning.
Boyo shrugged, and handed him the phone. "I dunno. They just said they wanted Cyke."
Gallant looked up, with a small snicker. "So answer it." He remarked.
Cyke shrugged. "Thith ith Thyke. What do you want?" He asked, and listened for a moment.
"Yeth I AM! I'm Thyke!! Who are YOU!?"
Gallant burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" Boyo asked.
"We're in the Psyche ward." Gallant explained. "They want to talk to one of the doctors."
Boyo frowned. "So why did they ask for Cyke? He's not a doctor."
"Yeah, well THAME TO YOU!!!" Cyke yelled into the phone, and hung it up. "Thtupid people."
"Why don't we go look for Carter and Ardeth?" Gallant suggested. "We need to find out if they
know where the girls are yet."
**************************************************************************
In the OB nurses lounge, Dave and Kovac were very bored. The only people in the room were
Jing Mei and Abby-Anya, who were polishing each other's nails. Changing the walls and things
colors was fun, but had gotten boring, and all the other girls were out waiting for news on Penny.
"Well, at least Glory dropped out of the game." Luka remarked, breaking the silence between the
two boys.
Dave sighed. "Yeah....that's good." He agreed. "But how do we get out of here?"
Luka shrugged. "We don't even know if they know we got caught yet." He answered.
"Good point." Dave admitted. He moved against the restraints and courds that held him to the
chair, trying to get his arms free. It wasn't working. He closed his eyes and yanked at his arms.
The courds only seemed to tighten.
Luka's mouth suddenly dropped open. "Dave?"
"What?" Dave asked, with a grunt as he struggled.
"I think I just figured out what your talent is." Kovac told him.
Dave opened his eyes. "You did? What did I do?" He asked, brightening, then he frowned.
Luka wasn't looking at him...he seemed to be looking through him. Dave turned and looked
behind him. Nothing. "What?"
Luka looked shocked. "Um....you're not there." He informed him.
"What?!" Dave demanded, then looked down at himself. "Holy crap, that is so COOL!!! Hey
Jing Mei! LOOK WHAT I DID!!"
Jing Mei and Abby-Anya stared.
"Where'd he go?" Abby-Anya demanded. "Bring him back!"
Jing Mei walked over to where Dave had been, staring. "Are you still there, Dave?" She asked,
reaching out to touch him.
"Yes." Dave answered, making himself visible again.
"Wow....that was pretty good." Abby-Anya remarked. "You even made the chair disappear."
Dave grinned. "This is kind of fun. Now you see me, now you don't!" He called as he changed
himself again.
"Guess what!!!!" Susan cried as she ran in the door. Then she stopped. "Where did Dave go?"
"Right here!" Dave's voice answered, from the spot where he'd been tied.
Susan stared, then came over to poke at him. "Woah...that's kind of cool."
Dave changed himself back. "Hey, watch it. You nearly poked me in the eye!" He told her.
"Well that's what you get for being invisible." Abby-Anya retorted.
"What's the news?" Jing Mei asked, as Susan brightened.
"It's a GIRL!" Susan exclaimed, grinning. "Yvette Parker Carnahan. She is just beautiful!"
"Did Jonathan faint?" Luka asked with a smirk.
Susan frowned. "Don't know. I wasn't in there." She answered. "Glory came out to tell us, and
Jonathan brought her out."
They were interrupted by a loud ear-splitting roar, and a familiar annoying voice.
"Oh it's a pretty girl, she's just so beautiful.....not as pretty as Lady Iris, but she is very pretty.
Can I see the damsel now? Is she alright? It must have been very hard for her. She is very
pretty, yes, she is. Can Fiddles hold the baby now? He will not drop her, no he won't. He will
protect her forever and ever.....oooh look! She likes me, yes she does!........" ** this continues
on for a while, but we need to let others talk.**
"Oh yeah, Fiddles is here." Luka informed them.
"No, really?" Jing Mei responded.
Susan nodded. "We already knew that." She told them. "Lucy saw them earlier. He was with
Carter, Ardeth and Creepy, but he dumped them all off to see Penny. By the way, they know
where our base is, so we have to move, and they know we have two hostages....so chances are
they'll be looking for another hostage."
"Where are the other girls?" Abby-Anya asked. "Aren't most of them with Penny?"
"Most, yes, but not all." Susan answered. "Shadowkitty, Jeanie, Shirley, Buffy, Shower, and
Lucy are out looking for MystiQ. I believe Lucy, Buffy and Shirley are one group, and Shower,
Jeanie, and Shadow are another."
"You won't find them." Dave remarked, smirking.
"Don't be too sure." Jing Mei told him. "Jeanie is telepathic, remember?"
"Yes, but so is Charlie X and he's more powerful than Jeanie." Kovac reminded them.
**************************************************************************
On the quiet surgical floor, the hampster ball rolled down the hall, the gerbil inside, seemingly
very mad. By the time he got out, Babcock was going to kill Romano, Carter and Elizabeth, and
whoever the other one was that had changed him. He stopped in his rolling at the sound of
voices.
"BOINGY!!!!" Cried an energetic voice. "CAT TOY!!!!!!"
And then the world turned upside down............
**************************************************************************
Downstairs in the ER, Donald Anspaugh and Kerry Weaver were now duct taped to chairs in the
lounge and gagged with pieces of bedsheet. Every so often, someone would come in and throw
something at them, usually spitballs....and a load of eggs and tomatoes, that Jerry was charging
a nickel apiece for. As far as they knew, Benton had no knowledge of where they were, as he had
gone up to the Psyche department to investigate something. He had mentioned something about
a kid answering the phone. So far, Romano and Elizabeth had not been back yet, and nothing had
been heard about them since the fire alarm had gone off.
Cassi and Sven had gone to take care of the fire, so they would not have to evacuate the hospital.
Not normally a good idea with a bunch of man-eating dinosaurs out in the parking area. From
what Weaver had been told, Bill was out side, and presumably, so was Ralph. **Ralph T Rex**
Chuny walked into the lounge and stopped short. She had known that Cassi and Sven had left
with the two, but she had not know what had happened....dispite the many rumors. As Weaver
motioned for her to help, she felt her control slip, and a small giggle escaped her throat. She knew
that if she helped, worse would happen to her....and quite honestly, they really weren't being
hurt. Lily walked in behind her, followed by Haleh. Both burst out laughing. Jerry, who had
followed them, held out an egg. "Wanna throw?" He asked. "Only a nickel."
"What will you give for a 20?" Romano asked from the vent opening, where he, Elizabeth, Ardeth
Carter, and Creepy emerged, slightly soaked, making it pretty obvious who had set off the fire
alarm.
"That should be about.....400." Elizabeth replied. "Wouldn't your arm get tired, Robert?"
"Hey, I still have use of the other one now." Romano answered with an evil grin.
"No fair." Carter put in. "I wanna throw, too."
Romano gave him a flat look. "So fork over the cash." He retorted. "You're the rich one."
Carter pulled out his wallet. "Got change for a hundred?" He asked. "We can ALL throw!"
"Okay, that's about 2000." Jerry answered. "You want any tomatoes with that?"
"Yeah sure." Romano answered, handing him a 20. "Throw a couple of cream pies in while you're
at it." He looked up at the nurses. "Wanna turn? We can be very generous."
Haleh looked from the kids to Weaver and Anspaugh, then back again. "Uhhh, I think I need to
get back to work." She muttered.
"Party pooper." Carter quipped.
Chuny gave a small grin. "I'll throw a couple." She put in.
Lily grinned. "Not me....but if I leave you my camera, you have to get pictures." She ordered.
Romano looked at Carter. "How much will you pay for them?" Romano asked, pointedly. "I'm
not rich like Carter is."
Lily handed him a ten. "That enough?" She asked.
Romano shrugged. "Yeah, ten's good."
**************************************************************************
Upstairs, Cassi and Sven had just gotten rid of the fire.....leaving the mess. **We hate cleaning**
"Me thinks Lizzie discovered her talent." Cassi remarked.
"Yeah, looks like it." Sven agreed. "When are we gonna end this thing?"
Cassi shrugged. "Not a clue." She answered. "It's kind of fun watching to see where it's going."
"Yeah, it gets more stupid than when it started." Sven retorted.
"Well, it's not boring. Something interesting is always......." Cassi trailed off as a hampster ball
came rolling down the hall at rocket speed. Behind it came Pounce and Tumble, tripping over
each other to get to it first. "Um.....yeah." Cassi continued. "As I was saying....interesting."
"Did that ball say "Babcock" on it?" Sven asked.
**************************************************************************
End part 21. And we give you the moments list as promised.....These are examples of the spoofs.
**************************************************************************
MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS....RANDOM CHOICE PHRASES FROM SPOOFS (By Sven & Cassi)
**************************************************************************
This is not a spoof, and not really a list.....It's just a wonderous collection of moments we all
cherish from the spoofs we all love. I've collected together this bunch of phrases said by
characters thoughout all of our spoofs....including the ones you have seen....and the few that
you haven't. This includes the spoofs that are posted...and the spoofs we have YET to post.
Which would be the first two, with the Cats and the newest ones that are not yet typed. So in a
way, some of the phrases are a small preview of the spoofs you have not yet seen. Enjoy, and
also....We have not fully looked through some of the older spoofs, so there may still be more
phrases that should be in here. So, you our fans, and friends, if you have any choice phrases
that you loved in the spoofs that are not here. PLEASE tell us by review or Email, and we will
gladly include them! So for now...sit back and cherish the memories!!!^_^
************************************************************************
PRESEASON
**************
#1: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA*** (STATUS-Complete, but not typed)By Sven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ADMETUS: She is crazy! She's a raving--
MISTOFFOLEES: Are you talking about Etcetera or the Author? (dodges a spray of water, then
scurries offset)
#2: THE PRINCESS BRIDE....THE SPOOF ***(Status, Complete, but not typed)By Sven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MISTOFFOLEES: Hey! Stop talking so I can speak!
MACAVITY: She got you there, Pouncini....you WEANIE!!!!
MISTOFFOLEES: I swear on the soul of my....HEY! I don't even know who my father WAS!
MUNGOJERRIE: AHH!!!!I'S BOB!!!!QUICK, TEAZAH, 'IODE(hide) ME!!!! 'E'S GONNE EA' ME!
SVEN: Nobody's eating anyone. Back to the script.
SEASON ONE
*****************
#3: STAR WARS: THE NEW SPOOF ***(Status-complete- Online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCOTT: There's a droid on the scanner! It might be our little R2 unit! Hit the accelerator!
LUKE SKYWALKER: Did I really sound that stupid back then?
WARREN WORTHINGTON: (to Scott) Will you be quiet? You've got a mouth bigger than a
meteor crater, and that ISN'T a joke!
WOLVIE: I'm not cute, I'm a bizerker!
CASSI: Aww, how cute.
#4: LABYRINTH, A SPOOF ***(Status-Complete-Online by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RUMPELTEAZER: Bu' I don' wan' me brother back. 'E was annoyin'.
MISTOFFELEES: I ask for so little...just let me rule you.
CASSI: I have Excedrin, but they're MINE, ALL MINE!!!!!
XANDER: (as a Munchkin) Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
RUMPELTEAZER: I 'ave to go to the castle to save me creepy brother.
#5: STAR WARS: THE SPOOF STRIKES BACK **(Status-Complete-online by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CASSI: You might be a Metalneck if your skeleton is more durable than your car.
SVEN: (to Buffy) Continue, and I don't CARE if you sound like a moron!
WARREN: Your ugly kangaroo-goat will die before you reach the first marker.
ALONZO: We'd better start an evacuation.
CASSI: All that over a cheeseburger?
XANDER: (about Luke) Man, that was close. I was afraid he was gonna do a "Carrie" and kill
us all.
#6: DOT: THE VAMPIRE SLAYER***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPIKE: Hotdog: Hunk of meat made from Roadkill.
MACGYVER: (about Murdoc) Is he dead this time?
SPIKE: (to Dot--slurred) Wha's yer name?
DOT: Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Bananafana Bo Besca, the THIRD! Or you
can call me Dot, but if you call me Dottie, I'll have to hurt you.
CASSI: I am a spectator. I have a right to throw up.
DOT: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador...like I'm ever going to Spain, anyway.
WAKKO: (shoves two straws up his nose) Look, I'm a walrus!!!
DOT: I am the Slayer. I have the ablility to make anvils fall from the ceiling.
MURDOC: I'll get you, Dot, and your little dog, too.
#7: STAR WARS: SHADOWS OF THE SPOOF***(Status-Complete-online, By Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MURDOC: I am NOT insane! I'm just very very determined.
GAMBIT: We seem to have lost the pursuer, Master Scott. I believe it smashed into that
walkway we flew under....or it crashed into the building we flew through.
SPIKE: They keep thinking no one could be as stupid as we are. It fools them every time.
#8: THE VAMPIRE MUMMY ***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: Just add water! Instant Han!
SPIKE: Great, now we're being eaten by a KEWPIE DOLL!
SPIKE: I only gamble with my life, never my money.
BUFFY: I have plenty of respect for the dead....as long as they don't jump up and attack me.
CAPTAIN HOOK: Do I get Combat pay for this?
BUFFY: You're wondering what's a place like me doing in a girl like this?
#9: STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE SPOOF ***(Status-Complete-Online, by Sven)
**This is the first spoof that Carter appeared in.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPIKE: So much for long drawn out death. They'll be sushi in thirty seconds!
SPIKE: (about Logan) Put him back in carbonite. He's past his expiration date.
DR CARTER: (about the raptors) That explains the ripped up trainer I just sewed up. Don't
worry, he'll only lose one of his arms.
DIDYMUS: (as Yoda) Die, I shall not! Fight thee to the death, I shall!
#10: ROBIN HOOD: SPIKE (AND A LOT OF OTHER GUYS) IN TIGHTS**(Status-Complete-
online-Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MULDER: There's something you don't often see. A Jedi Master drowning in a little stream.
SPIKE: My darling, I'm ready for that kiss now....ugh, listen to me. I'm making myself sick.
LUKE SKYWALKER: Hmmm, let me think. Getting a spanking from a snowman, or wearing a
dress. Tough choice.
BILLY COLTON: Man, I never should have worn these shoes. They just don't match my purse.
LANGLY: I'll never look at Star Wars the same way again.
MURDOC: Apparently, acting in spoofs DOES cause irreversable brain damage.
#11: THE THREE MUSKETEERS, A SPOOF ***(Status-Complete- online-Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LANGLY: I gotta say this spoofacting thing really SUCKS!
PRINCE JOHN: Who wants to fall off a really high wall?
MURDOC: (to MacGyver) Angus.....isn't that a breed of cattle?
BUFFY: Dying never was a dream of mine, noble or not.
CASSI, MURDOC, CHRIS & PHYRO: (singing) We're pyromaniacs! We love fire to the max!
We buy matches by the stacks, we have flamethrowers on our backs, we're PYROMANIACS!!!!
JACK DALTON: (to Xander)Forgive me for being late, Your Majesty, but I was wrestling with
an important affair of State.
SPIKE: Translation. Seducing your wife.
CASSI: (about sword fighting) The pointy end goes into the other guy.
MURDOC: I'm the bad guy. And the bad guy makes the good guy's life miserable. Ask anyone.
SEASON TWO
*******************
#12: CUTTHROAT ISLAND, THE SPOOF***(Status-Complete-online-by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOLVIE: (about Munku) Hey that's his SCALP! Lemme TOUCH it!
CHRIS: Her uncle and father are cats, and her other uncle's not only Egyptian, but younger than
her. They're already key for the Jerry Springer show.
ARDETH: Pirates do NOT have tea parties!
DAWN: (to Langly) Do you guys really have Jimmy Hoffa's Email address?
LANGLY: (seriously) Yeah, but we don't give it out.
PETER: Best to take her to the hospital....however since we can't, best we seal her side with this
hot poker.
FROHIKE: Try not to kill her, Langly. You're too good a hacker to splatter across the deck.
#13: THE PHANTOM....FROM THE FBI***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRINCE JOHN: (to Mulder) Here's your rings. We had to eat a lot of Cracker-Jacks for them, so
act greatful.
MULDER: Great. I have a telepathic monster for a wolf and a green horse that needs an
excorcist.
HAN: Get him OFF! He's eating the green skull!!!
MACAVITY: (about Ardeth) It's very disturbing when your Captain, who is supposed to
intimidate you, has a happyface in the middle of his forehead.
HARLEY: (runs up to Fiddles) *We have to run now and chase that plane!*
FIDDLES: Right, we have to save the damsel in distress from the freak in the purple suit!
FIDDLES: (waves at the camera) Lady Iris, look at me!!! I'm on TV!!! Hi everybody!!! I'm on TV!!
IMHOTEP: Ardeth, I am your father!!!
ARDETH: NOOO!!!THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
#14: BATMAN, A SPOOF ***(Status-complete-online, by Sven)
**This is where we cracked Carter**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CASSI: (to Ryan) You actually read the script? You really ARE insane!
MURDOC: I am deeply ashamed. I tried so hard to be wanted in every country.
SVEN: Okay, who gave Pouncie catnip AND a machine gun!?
GERARD: (into his phone) This is Gerard.......no, I can't come in.......no, Cosmo can't either........
because he's dead......NO, I'm NOT kidding!!!
SVEN: (takes the phone) We're sorry, Cosmo and Gerard are not available at this time. If you try
to call again, you will be fed to a pack of velociraptors.
MUNGO: (answers Cosmo's phone) 'Ello?......No, 'e's dead.....'E'll be aloive in abou' an houah.
Call then.
BRUCE WAYNE: Am I in the right place?
CASSI: You see any other buildings with weirdos in them?
#15: JAMES OF THE JUNGLE ***(Status-complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WAKKO: Look everyone! Africa is purple like France!
DARTH VADER: Nobody dies, they just get big boo-boos.
DARTH VADER: May I continue, or do I have to choke a few people?
PRINCE JOHN: (to Glory) Hon, if the people an this set aren't already mindless zombies, there
ain't NOTHIN that'll turn 'em into one.
SVEN: That's the spoofauthors. Creating disfunctional families for all.
MURDOC: (after MacGyver threatens him) Oh, I'm really scared. What are you going to do?
Stab me with a Swiss army knife and duct tape me to death?
#16: THE FUGITIVE....FROM THE ER***(Status-complete-online, by Sven)
**This is where we drove Carter insane as well as Ardeth, and the rest of the ER crew made
their first appearence.**Romano and Weaver were both killed in this.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DR DAVE: Dr Romano had an accident with Dr. Benton's scalpel. He's dead.
STEVE: (smells Spike and gags) Ugh, he's past his expiration date.
CASSI: No! Our Guest does not kill cereal.....in fact, I'm not even sure he eats it.
KRYCHECK: I got it. The doctor who killed his wife, but not really, since she's not his wife, and
she's not dead.
ARDETH: CPD, hold your fire! My FRIEND is on the roof!!! (thinks a moment) Oh yes, and
there's a US Psycho out there too.
MURDOC: (to Carter) Well, look at it this way. Instead of stitching people together on the
slab, you'll get to be on the slab, yourself.
MURDOC: (about Chris Knight) Ah yeah. We can discuss the difference between a genius
and a person who needs psychological help, later.
SVEN: Spike, and Angelus, you need to lead a shell-shocked Dr. Carter from the house.......
Carter, pretend you just found out you got a role.
SVEN: (reads note from guest) He doesn't slay prostitutes and in so many words, Jack the
Ripper was a pussy.
CASH: (in reguards into not wanting to go into the sewer slime) If this makes me a baby, get
me a bottle and a crib. I'd rather be humiliated then in here.
#17: JURASSIC SPOOF***(Status-complete-online, by Cassi & Sven)
Carter and Ardeth on morphine....together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: Cassi, you can not blow the guest all over the Green Room!
CASSI: All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Lando together again.
MISTY: (in the car) Oh LOOK! A television set! We don't have to watch the dinosaurs!
CASSI: People are dying! Shut down the system so we can kill more.
ASH: Can we stop talking and get away BEFORE the monster turns around!?
CASSI: Our mom likes cows. We'll rip up people, but not cows.
ASH: Great, we're gonna die and Darth Vader is telling us all about the animals that are going to
eat us.
GUMBO: Dead dinosaurs aren't scary.
BRIDGET: And dead children aren't annoying.
CASSI: Script! Logan, you scare him by reading the script.
BUFFY: Yeah, because reading the script terrifies people.
MURDOC: I'd like to thank you for flying "Air Murdoc." I hope you live long enough to do
this again sometime!
PETE: (to Niles) In 48 hours, you'll be dead, so I don't think your opinion matters much.
SEASON THREE
********************
#18: STAR WARS: HEIR TO THE SPOOF***(Status-incomplete-hiatus at pg 200. partial online
-Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HAN: Buffy is married to Logan and Spike....she's pregant with Logan's twins, and she has an
8 year-old son by Spike.
MUNKUSTRAP: We're gonna DIE!!!! BEWARE THE EVIL YELLOW CIRCLE!!! IT'S GOING
TO EAT US ALL!!!!
WOLVIE: (to Buffy) Mommy, I don't like Daddy Logan. He smells. You need to get rid of him.
DR CARTER: (sticks his tongue out at Spike) I got to go to Jurassic Park!!
SPIKE: Gambit, get it right, or we'll recycle you.
ROMANO: And here we have the example of a drunk mutant Jedi.
CASSI: That must be some STRONG hot chocolate.
#19: THE VAMPIRE MUMMY RETURNS ***(Status-complete-online-by Cassi)
**Romano is Assistant starting part two**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DYLAN SKYLER: In 20 years at Cyndi's wedding, DON'T EAT THE PIG!!!!
HANNIBAL LECTER: Use the Farce.
DOT: Please do not attempt to pet the stuffed animals or security, as they will try to kill you.
SPIKE: WOAH!!! EVIL STUFFED ANIMAL!!!
MURDOC: Please tell me we aren't fighting Martian Pigs.
JOHN: Okay, subject of Martian Pigs aside, back to the script.
EVELYN: (reading the wall) Who wrote, "Glory loves Imhotep" here?
MUMMY: (singing) If I only had a brain!!!
XANDER HARRIS: For those of you who have just joined us, everyone here is a crazy person.
ARDETH: Murdoc! Put the flamethrower down! They're not supposed to know you're there!
#20: JURASSIC SPOOF: THE LOST WORLD***(Status-complete-online-By Cassi)
**Romano returns as Assistant and Carter slaughters the med-crew**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JONATHAN CARNAHAN: (to Penny) Honey, please don't startle the nice armed assassin.
ROMANO: (reguarding Carter) You mean there's actually people willing to PAY for him!?
CASSI: Please tell me Security didn't eat the SWAT team.
SVEN: NO! Someone actually GAINED sanity!?
FROHIKE: (to Ardeth) Well, if you feel underqualified any, you might just try flcking the switch
to "On".
ARDETH: (to Shower) You naughty girl! You're lucky you're my daughter, or I'd cook you alive
and eat you!
DR CARTER: (reguarding the sick Ralph jr) So give him an Alka-seltzer and let him GO!
IMHOTEP: Right. It's settled. We let them sleep until Ralph and Mrs. Ralph wake them up, then
we all flee in blind panic on our separate ways.
GLORY: (to Ralph jr) Daddy's gone insane, dear. Ignore him.
#21: PEREGRIN, A"WILLOW" SPOOF ***(Status-complete-online-by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ARDETH: Seizing all pregnant women in the realm, the evil...(laughs) Queen...(laughs) I mean,
King Imhotep.....
PIPPIN: (to Spike) If you don't wait your turn to act, Bug, they'll be finding YOU in the river!
WOLVIE: (about Connor) Well, actually, I'm realated. Spike is my Daddy, and that baby is his
Uncle-Nephew, so he's my....Great Uncle-cousin.
JIMMY BOND: Hey! Falkie-Falkie really IS a Tookie-Tookie!
PIPPIN: I wish I could take you two X-Babies with me.....so that my life becomes a living torture
and I kill myself after a day.
FRODO: Fine! Go ahead and use the road! And when you get caught, tell Queen Imhotep I said
HI!
GLORY: (grins) You're not warriors! You're.....BUNNY RABBITS!!!
MADCHRIS: (bites a carrot) Ahh...what's up, doc?
LEGOLAS: (to Arwen) Protect me!!! The Evil snowman's gonna get me!!!!
#22: LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE SPOOF***(Status-complete-online, by
Sven) **Enter the Xanth crew and we still can't separate Carter and Ardeth...and the Ring
won't shut up.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RING: I will rule the world!!!
CASSI: There weren't any Pokemon in the Fellowship.
RING: This story is about ME, not some stupid talking SCRIPT!
WOLVIE: Bagless? Sure I know a Bagless! Magneato Bagless! Over there! He's my father's
brother's nephew's cousin's former room mate....twice removed on his mother's side.
MAGNEATO'S SCRIPT: No, you moron! I'm in this idiot's hand....and don't call me stupid,
STUPID!
DARTH VADER: I'm so proud. My baby's all grown up into a big Sith Lord!
CHRIS: Nowhere in the script does it say that Pippin picked up the discarded Wraith blade and
stabbed Frodo with it!
MAGNEATO: HELLO!!! I'm dying over here!!! Could you stop talking and SAVE me!?
SAM (HOBBIT): Will you shut up and DIE already!?
SVEN: If you don't start acting correctly, I'll bring in Humfrey's wife and have her LOOK at you!
SVEN: (about the ring---gives Carter a brainduster) What are you trying to do, DESTROY IT!?
ANGEL: Have you seen it, Ardeth? The White Tower of ....um....Eck, the Lion.
ELROND: (about the broken mirror) Ouch, Galadriel's gonna be pissed.
MAGNETO: Just tea, thank-you. Without the rat poison, it might upset my stomach.
ROMANO: Okay, somebody call Psyche and get them down here.
CYKE: I'm Cthyke, what do you want?
ROMANO: A gun, I'm going to shoot myself.
MAGNEATO: I wish the Ring had never come to me.
RING: You ain't the only one.
#23: THE FORBIDDEN SPOOF: THE HUNTER***(Status-incomplete//in progress, by Cassi)
**Romano is not only Assistant, but the Narrator, so he has a lot of one-liners.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: I wanna see if they'll get Aragorn high enough to to lose Gondor.
CASSI: (to Jenny) We're insane, dear. Play along.
DR ROMANO: I am the assistant director! If I wanna say "Once upon a time", I SAY it! (pulls
out a (flamethrower) Now does anyone have a problem with that!?
CASSI: People, this is NOT a circus!!!
DR ROMANO: It's in the script. "Jenny sees gorgeous cyber-punk, and stares like an idiot until
he looks away."
FIDDLES: ACK!!! DEMON BOX!!!DEMON BOX!!!!
CASSI: (to Dor) Would you STOP making my props talk!?!?
PSYLOCKE: Great. First I get changed into a teenager, then I get told to color.
JENNY: It's not funny.
SVEN: We're not laughing. We're gagging.
JULIAN: (about Tom) Can I kill him, now!? Huh? Can I?
TARA MACLAY: Right. I can beat you with my trusty CRAYON!
LEGOLAS: The gods themselves do tremble.
FIDDLES: All hail the mighty crayon!
SEASON FOUR
*********************
#24: US PSYCHOS***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
**The Carter and Ardeth conspiracy continues...and please don't ask us how Kimble became
a Marshal.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GERARD: I'm Samuel Gerard, and I'm an insane maniac.
NEWMAN: (grabs his gun back from Kimble) Give me that! You're gonna HURT someone!
(shoots the Krycheck clone in the head) There. See? That's how you do it!
NEWMAN: (to Cosmo) Because I LIKE this shirt. Besides....it's not YOUR blood.
SHERIDAN: (to Newman) Uhhh......er.....Weren't you dead?
GERARD: (after Biggs shoots Cash) Biggs, you killed yourself.
SVEN: Forget the morphine and the crazy guy in tights on the ceiling! Spoof now!
DAVE: No, I want to go to the back of the plane to retrieve the pen gun and blow a hole
through the window, so I can splatter myself in someone's tub, thus causing them to never
use their bathroom again.
ANDREW (trio): Well when you put it that way. (to Dave) Go ahead and explode.
RYAN: (to Sven)You're the Author, you can kill anyone you want.
SVEN: (about her reading books on serial killers) But I like reading the casework and Forensic
stuff. It has nothing to do with me torturing people. I'm insane, not a PSYCHO!!
#25: JURASSIC SPOOF III ***(Status-in progress, By Cassi)
**Carter and Ardeth are back again.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DR CARTER: YIPPPEEEEE!!!!!! I'm going back to the dinosaur park!!!!
COSMO: (to Carter) Has anyone ever told you to switch to decaf?
JIMMY MARTINEZ: Do you think they've noticed that it says, "Dino Chow" on top of the
parasail yet?
NICK: (about the veggiesaurs) Great. They eat each other and we starve!
LOGAN: (making his speech) Okay, Raptors are smart, yada yada yada...they could have ruled
the world, and you need to give us money so we can afford to dig their dried out, mummified,
and petrified skeletons from the ground and put them on display for your enjoyment.
DOT: Doesn't that just make you wanna give them money?
DONOVAN: (to his team) Children, if you can't behave, I'll stand you in corners.
CODY FORRESTER: (points at Shaw) He started it.
COMPUTER: NOOO!!! DON'T TAKE MY MAGNET! I LOVE MY MAGNET!!!
BUFFY: (over the phone) 911, please hold.
CASSI: Shadowman: another word for "Peeping Tom."
#25: WILD WILD SPOOFED MESS***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parody of "Wild Wild West", starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline
CHRIS: (about Newman) The spoof hasn't even started and he's already gonna get an Oscar.
GILES: About me dying. Why wasn't I told?
GERARD: (about Zorro/Diego) Yeah, we left him a trail of post-it-notes. I'm sure he'll show
up before his scene.
GERARD: (to Newman) I don't even want to know where your gun is.....by the way, Biggs said
you have nice legs.
BLUE: (about Newman) Aww, now I'm gonna have nightmares.
GERARD: Cosmo, just read it, or I'LL shoot you!
FIDDLES: (about Jay) Ack! Dumb human attacking me! Help! Help! HELP!! Someone please
rescue me!
GLORY: (with the opera glasses and speaking with a thick accent) Get out of my vay, get out
of my vay. U.S. Army, U.S. Marshal..........You look better as a woman. U.S. Marshal shoots
U.S. Army.......
NEWMAN: Sorry, there have been a lot of death threats lately. The cabinet made me hire
all these *beep* detectives. Drink? Cigar? Donut with little sprinkles on it?
GERARD: (to Newman) Nice try, Noah. Keep that up and someday it'll kill you......oh wait, it
already did.
#26: A SPOOF OF CHAMELEON ***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
**Carter and Ardeth star**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parody of "A Spell for Chameleon" the 1st Xanth novel, by Piers Anthony
HUGO: My Mom's face turns people to stone, and my Dad's a big baby.
TRENT: (about Chameleon) She just grounded the King of Xanth.
MISTY: Ash's talent is the same as his Mom's Pokemon!
CASSI: (as Mr Mime) Mime! Mr. Mime!
HARMONY: Who is the King here, anyway?
PIPPIN: The Grand-Alf. **Gandalf's new name...like it?**
CASSI: We need a ditz.
MURDOC: Oh really? Interesting. Why can't you use Buffy?
ROMANO: Hey we only put out the facts. If you look stupid it's your own fault.
ARDETH: Can you horse-rears be quiet?! I want to eventually get in the story.
MIDNIGHT MUSE: Never trust your cat to drive your house across the ocean.
FIDDLES: (runs in) Evil Martian pigs are coming chased by "Eck the Lion". Help!! HELP!! Run
for your lives the sky is about to fall! Run, run, RUN!! We must escape before the evil bunnies
arrive!
ANYANKA: EVIL BUNNIES?!? (screams) KEEP THEM AWAY!!!
FIDDLES: Evil poisonous bunnies!!!! Martian bunnies!!!
THE ONE RING: (to the script) Shut-up. Nobody cares. They won't give YOU an Oscar. You are
far from being in any way important. You are nothing but a useless paper. Me, on the other
hand, has recieved an Oscar. I'm so important.
SCRIPT: That Oscar won't do you any good once they cast you into the fires of Mount Doom!
GROUCHO MARX: I'm not insane.......I'm different.
CASSI**After breaktime**: (makes a face) You mean Babcock, Pratt, and Anspaugh are
coming on set?
SVEN: What if they give us Cooties?
CARTER: Let's just skip the examination and exile me already.
CARTER: Hey, look at me! I'm on one side! (steps across the Shield) I'm on the other.
(steps right in the Shield between both sides) Is this really all that critical? Hey everyone!
I have a talent SEE! I'm gonna let Ardeth in to conquer Xanth!
GROUCHO: Are you sure I can't be King?
CARTER: (snickering) No. I never killed anyone.
ROMANO: (spits his drink out) Is this the same guy who killed the med-team?
CARTER: I'm innocent....(sounding completely honest) I was framed, I tell you, FRAMED!!!
ROMANO: (starts choking)
BETWEEN THE SPOOFS/ER AND THE TERRIBLE YOUTH ELIXIR INCIDENT
If you don't know what this one's about, what on earth have you been reading for the
last 21 chapters?!
**************************************************************
--Takes place after Forbidden Spoof Hunter and in the middle of Chameleon--
CHRIS MASON: (to Greene) Who creamed your widow? (dartboard)
GREENE: (with a guilty look) It was an accident.
JIMMY BOND: (to Romano) Wow, you're the Chief of Staff? Does that mean you like run the
place?
ROMANO: I look like Land of the LITTLE People!
ANSPAUGH: How is that different from normal?
DR DAVE: This is the LAST time I answer an invatation! LOOK at me! I haven't even hit
PUBERTY yet!
GREENE: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm dead.
ROMANO: (to Anspaugh) If you do not put me down this instant, you're FIRED! I don't care
if I AM five! I'm still the Chief of Staff!
ANSPAUGH: Does anyone have some aspirin? I think I need about a bottle and a half.
BENTON: Are you sure you don't need a rabies shot? We don't exactly know where his
[Romano] mouth has been.
DR CARTER: I'm alright. I just hit my head.
DR KOVAC: (groans) Yeah, on MINE!
ROMANO: (yelling about Benton) HELP ME!!!! He's gonna HURT me!!! Get me away from
the BAD MAN!!!
SHIRLEY: Robert, if you were my child, I'd PAY someone to kidnap you!!!
WOLVIE: I have three daddies and two mommies. Dada Pip, and Mama Jemima, she's a cat, and
my other mommy is a Vampire Slayer, and my daddy Spike is a Vampire, and my other daddy is a
big ugly smelly gorilla!
ROMANO: (about the ketchup and mustard wall mural) Nice work, all you need now is some
pickle relish and a hotdog.
ROMANO: All the people who have tried to sue the hospital....and now we're being threatened
by a CRASH CART!
ROMANO: There are X-BABIES loose in the hospital!?
CASSI: Why not? There are little surgeons loose in the hospital.
SHIRLEY: (to Romano) Say "Uncle!"
DR DAVE: (whispering loudly) I see DEAD people!!!
DR BENTON: Didn't I pronounce that guy two hours ago?
DR CARTER: It can't be good publicity to have zombies shedding clumps of body parts all over
the hospital.
CORDAY'S OFFICE DOOR: (about Corday) She called Romano a horrid little turd once!
ROMANO: Who are you calling LITTLE?!
CASSI: (in Romano's office, talking to Kerry) I'm his daughter, but we still don't know who my
mother is yet.
CHUNY: I got the labs back on Billy Idol. He's dead.
DAVE: (about Sven) She's a homicidal maniac!
CARTER: What am I, chopped liver?
WEAVER: I have an Irish guy who's high on morphine, and an English guy, also on morphine,
who needs 150 stitches removed from his arm, he swears was nearly bitten off by a large
dinosaur who thinks he's a dog named Bill.
BENTON: (to Connie) I've met the Elf-Prince of Mirkwood, Groucho Marx, a talking dog, Buffy
the Vampire Slayer, the King of the Goblins, Archangel of the X-Men, Pharaoh Nightcrawler the
First, Pikachu, and Mulder and Scully of the X-Files. How've you been?
BENTON: (about Fiddles) I don't care if it IS greean and singing! What's it doing in the
EMERGENCY ROOM!?
CASSI: (to Dor) Make sure you take notes so you can be a wonderful surgeon just like me one
day.
CASSI: (to Dor) And this is the ER butcher shop. If you look really close, you can see the poor
shmucks that are about to become the next line of victims.
ROMANO: (to Cassi) Actually, I'd rather blow Kerry all over the ER and let the Compys eat her
miserable little pieces.
CASSI: These five year olds...they're so violent these days. So young, so angry. Darn that rap
music!!!
CASSI: If you be a good little boy and go destroy something nice and expensive, I promise I'll
let you blow up anyone you want when you grow up, okay?
PASTOR RAY: If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
************************************************************
And now the section is all full. making it as long as one section of our spoofs. Review now, and
we'll get the next part out soon.
Questions.....Weaver....we WILL have her blown up..we promise. Romano is just itching to use
the Rocket Launcher. It will most likely be in Chameleon, the Spoof....after the end of this one.
Unfortunately, we have to bring her back afterwards.....bummer, huh? Spoofs...Okay, this is a
thing we do for the sheer fun of it. What we do is select a movie (usually popular ones) we get
rid of the cast, we re cast the thing with characters from other movies, books, and TV shows, and
sometimes even characters we made up (see Chris Mason, and Fiddles), then as the Authors, we
re write the whole thing as if we were filming a movie, our aim being to crack the characters we
use. At the end of this section, we will post the Moments list. This is the funniest phrases we've
had said in all the spoofs by acting, directing, and Peanut Gallery Characters. Oh yeah, we have a
Peanut Gallery to ridicule the whole thing. And of course as you've seen, we have a number of
characters who have become favorites and Assistants to us. Carter and Ardeth are amongst the
favorites, as is Logan, Nightcrawler, and a few more. Assistants include Pippin, Ramone from the
beginning of this, Chris Mason, Julian, Romano, Kovac, and Elizabeth is up for Assistant as soon
as she returns to the set, as is Lucy. Usually our spoofs end up sounding like a cross between
the Jerry Springer Show and kindergarteners fighting on the playground. We view maturity as
"overrated". Any other questions reguarding the spoofs? We have a lot of things you'd expect
in Looney Tunes, Animaniacs, and your usual slapstick comedy....with a bit of violence thrown in
for fun. But we bring back every person we kill.
Okay...Dave's talent. We mentioned it as invisibility. He has the ability to make himself and any-
thing around him invisible. Kovac can change the color of inamimate objects. Chen can change
her hair color at will, Lizzie as you've already seen is the fire starter, Romano can't be killed, and
we're pretty sure there's more to his talent than that....Carter..yes...he can not be harmed by magic
so if someone tries to hurt him with magic, they can't. And we're pretty sure that this is with non-
magic as well. His talent protects itself, so no one can say out loud what it is. Gallant...um give
me a sec. *looks it up--yes we have a list** Okay, acc to the list, he can change the color of
water. Not a big talent, but confusing, non the less. I think that's all the questions. As I said,
we'll post the moments list at the end of this chapter and give you a look at the spoofs.
Oh right, Pratt ain't on set. He doesn't have a talent. We don't like Pratt. We hate Pratt. We think
Jing Mei should run away with Dave and jump in a love spring. Any other questions?
**************************************************************************
For the record, Cassi's knees are killing her and her lortab has not kicked in yet....give me a few
minutes. Sven wants to say she hates English. She just got back from class. Cassi flunked
English and yet knows more about writting than Sven does. Why did I flunk? Well, it turns out
that attendence is part of your grade. I got hit by a truck and picked up every virus that popped
up that year. However, my writting skills are very good, as I actually paid attention when I was
there. Sven is still unsure of nouns and verbs. So now that your English lesson has ended,
what to type next.....Did you know that in Mexico, you can't flush toilet paper down the toilet?
It's true. It screws up their plumming or something. Also Mexican Coca Cola tastes a lot like
American Pepsi! Except it's better. We lived on "Coca" in Mexico. Coca for breakfast, Coca for
dinner, and then there's Coca breaks during the day. They have a nice Coca store next to the
church in Mexico. 2 and a half pesos for a bottle (glass bottle) of Coca. Very nice. Okay, lortab
starting to work now, so I can go until, me and Sven have to take videos back and take Pepe to
the vet....my kitten, not the skunk. Pepe is Freckles' younger brother. Notice I say younger and
not little? This is because Pepe is twice as big as Freckles. Freckles is an hour and 15 minutes
older than Pepe. Okay, we've had an English lesson, a lesson on Mexican habits, and the re-
hash of my cats. So now I think we can turn on the Pokemon music and finally start the section,
as my pill has kicked in fully....Cassi very happy now. ^_^ Sven tells me we need to get back to
the Cooties war....the guys need another hostage and they've found the girls base. For the record
Anspaugh and Weaver are tied to chairs in the lounge, and Babcock is still a gerbil.....much to
his dismay. Well, he was kind of stupid, face it. True, he didn't know about Ardeth's talent, but
still.....it should have tipped him off when Lizzie set the room on fire. On with the spoof!!!!
Dispite the fact that this is in a different format than our spoofs, and we have had trouble with
this...as you will notice a few areas where we forget past-tense. or however that's spelled. Any-
how, we're simply saying that this has become a spoof. We have the main characters, the
secondary characters, and the Peanut Gallery, not to mention the Authors and their Assistants.
**************************************************************************
Meanwhile, oblivious to the goings on downstairs, Gallant, Boyo, and Cyke were up in the
Psyche ward. They had duct taped the doctors and nurses to chairs to keep them out of the way.
Now, they were bored, and playing cards. They had only briefly looked up when the fire alarm
had gone off, assuming Phyro was at it again, before continuing with the game. They had seen
no girls in the area, and as far as they knew, Wolvie and Snaggle were still watching MystiQ....
when they weren't insulting each other, that is.
"How long have we been here?" Boyo asked, sounding bored.
"About an hour." Gallant replied, sounding just as bored.
"What do we do now?" Cyke asked, flopping his cards down on the little table.
Before anyone could answer, the phone rang. Boyo calmly picked it up. "Hello?" He answered,
politely. "Oh, okay. Hang on. He's right here." He held the phone out to Cyke. "They want
you."
Cyke frowned. "How did they know I wath here?" He asked, frowning.
Boyo shrugged, and handed him the phone. "I dunno. They just said they wanted Cyke."
Gallant looked up, with a small snicker. "So answer it." He remarked.
Cyke shrugged. "Thith ith Thyke. What do you want?" He asked, and listened for a moment.
"Yeth I AM! I'm Thyke!! Who are YOU!?"
Gallant burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" Boyo asked.
"We're in the Psyche ward." Gallant explained. "They want to talk to one of the doctors."
Boyo frowned. "So why did they ask for Cyke? He's not a doctor."
"Yeah, well THAME TO YOU!!!" Cyke yelled into the phone, and hung it up. "Thtupid people."
"Why don't we go look for Carter and Ardeth?" Gallant suggested. "We need to find out if they
know where the girls are yet."
**************************************************************************
In the OB nurses lounge, Dave and Kovac were very bored. The only people in the room were
Jing Mei and Abby-Anya, who were polishing each other's nails. Changing the walls and things
colors was fun, but had gotten boring, and all the other girls were out waiting for news on Penny.
"Well, at least Glory dropped out of the game." Luka remarked, breaking the silence between the
two boys.
Dave sighed. "Yeah....that's good." He agreed. "But how do we get out of here?"
Luka shrugged. "We don't even know if they know we got caught yet." He answered.
"Good point." Dave admitted. He moved against the restraints and courds that held him to the
chair, trying to get his arms free. It wasn't working. He closed his eyes and yanked at his arms.
The courds only seemed to tighten.
Luka's mouth suddenly dropped open. "Dave?"
"What?" Dave asked, with a grunt as he struggled.
"I think I just figured out what your talent is." Kovac told him.
Dave opened his eyes. "You did? What did I do?" He asked, brightening, then he frowned.
Luka wasn't looking at him...he seemed to be looking through him. Dave turned and looked
behind him. Nothing. "What?"
Luka looked shocked. "Um....you're not there." He informed him.
"What?!" Dave demanded, then looked down at himself. "Holy crap, that is so COOL!!! Hey
Jing Mei! LOOK WHAT I DID!!"
Jing Mei and Abby-Anya stared.
"Where'd he go?" Abby-Anya demanded. "Bring him back!"
Jing Mei walked over to where Dave had been, staring. "Are you still there, Dave?" She asked,
reaching out to touch him.
"Yes." Dave answered, making himself visible again.
"Wow....that was pretty good." Abby-Anya remarked. "You even made the chair disappear."
Dave grinned. "This is kind of fun. Now you see me, now you don't!" He called as he changed
himself again.
"Guess what!!!!" Susan cried as she ran in the door. Then she stopped. "Where did Dave go?"
"Right here!" Dave's voice answered, from the spot where he'd been tied.
Susan stared, then came over to poke at him. "Woah...that's kind of cool."
Dave changed himself back. "Hey, watch it. You nearly poked me in the eye!" He told her.
"Well that's what you get for being invisible." Abby-Anya retorted.
"What's the news?" Jing Mei asked, as Susan brightened.
"It's a GIRL!" Susan exclaimed, grinning. "Yvette Parker Carnahan. She is just beautiful!"
"Did Jonathan faint?" Luka asked with a smirk.
Susan frowned. "Don't know. I wasn't in there." She answered. "Glory came out to tell us, and
Jonathan brought her out."
They were interrupted by a loud ear-splitting roar, and a familiar annoying voice.
"Oh it's a pretty girl, she's just so beautiful.....not as pretty as Lady Iris, but she is very pretty.
Can I see the damsel now? Is she alright? It must have been very hard for her. She is very
pretty, yes, she is. Can Fiddles hold the baby now? He will not drop her, no he won't. He will
protect her forever and ever.....oooh look! She likes me, yes she does!........" ** this continues
on for a while, but we need to let others talk.**
"Oh yeah, Fiddles is here." Luka informed them.
"No, really?" Jing Mei responded.
Susan nodded. "We already knew that." She told them. "Lucy saw them earlier. He was with
Carter, Ardeth and Creepy, but he dumped them all off to see Penny. By the way, they know
where our base is, so we have to move, and they know we have two hostages....so chances are
they'll be looking for another hostage."
"Where are the other girls?" Abby-Anya asked. "Aren't most of them with Penny?"
"Most, yes, but not all." Susan answered. "Shadowkitty, Jeanie, Shirley, Buffy, Shower, and
Lucy are out looking for MystiQ. I believe Lucy, Buffy and Shirley are one group, and Shower,
Jeanie, and Shadow are another."
"You won't find them." Dave remarked, smirking.
"Don't be too sure." Jing Mei told him. "Jeanie is telepathic, remember?"
"Yes, but so is Charlie X and he's more powerful than Jeanie." Kovac reminded them.
**************************************************************************
On the quiet surgical floor, the hampster ball rolled down the hall, the gerbil inside, seemingly
very mad. By the time he got out, Babcock was going to kill Romano, Carter and Elizabeth, and
whoever the other one was that had changed him. He stopped in his rolling at the sound of
voices.
"BOINGY!!!!" Cried an energetic voice. "CAT TOY!!!!!!"
And then the world turned upside down............
**************************************************************************
Downstairs in the ER, Donald Anspaugh and Kerry Weaver were now duct taped to chairs in the
lounge and gagged with pieces of bedsheet. Every so often, someone would come in and throw
something at them, usually spitballs....and a load of eggs and tomatoes, that Jerry was charging
a nickel apiece for. As far as they knew, Benton had no knowledge of where they were, as he had
gone up to the Psyche department to investigate something. He had mentioned something about
a kid answering the phone. So far, Romano and Elizabeth had not been back yet, and nothing had
been heard about them since the fire alarm had gone off.
Cassi and Sven had gone to take care of the fire, so they would not have to evacuate the hospital.
Not normally a good idea with a bunch of man-eating dinosaurs out in the parking area. From
what Weaver had been told, Bill was out side, and presumably, so was Ralph. **Ralph T Rex**
Chuny walked into the lounge and stopped short. She had known that Cassi and Sven had left
with the two, but she had not know what had happened....dispite the many rumors. As Weaver
motioned for her to help, she felt her control slip, and a small giggle escaped her throat. She knew
that if she helped, worse would happen to her....and quite honestly, they really weren't being
hurt. Lily walked in behind her, followed by Haleh. Both burst out laughing. Jerry, who had
followed them, held out an egg. "Wanna throw?" He asked. "Only a nickel."
"What will you give for a 20?" Romano asked from the vent opening, where he, Elizabeth, Ardeth
Carter, and Creepy emerged, slightly soaked, making it pretty obvious who had set off the fire
alarm.
"That should be about.....400." Elizabeth replied. "Wouldn't your arm get tired, Robert?"
"Hey, I still have use of the other one now." Romano answered with an evil grin.
"No fair." Carter put in. "I wanna throw, too."
Romano gave him a flat look. "So fork over the cash." He retorted. "You're the rich one."
Carter pulled out his wallet. "Got change for a hundred?" He asked. "We can ALL throw!"
"Okay, that's about 2000." Jerry answered. "You want any tomatoes with that?"
"Yeah sure." Romano answered, handing him a 20. "Throw a couple of cream pies in while you're
at it." He looked up at the nurses. "Wanna turn? We can be very generous."
Haleh looked from the kids to Weaver and Anspaugh, then back again. "Uhhh, I think I need to
get back to work." She muttered.
"Party pooper." Carter quipped.
Chuny gave a small grin. "I'll throw a couple." She put in.
Lily grinned. "Not me....but if I leave you my camera, you have to get pictures." She ordered.
Romano looked at Carter. "How much will you pay for them?" Romano asked, pointedly. "I'm
not rich like Carter is."
Lily handed him a ten. "That enough?" She asked.
Romano shrugged. "Yeah, ten's good."
**************************************************************************
Upstairs, Cassi and Sven had just gotten rid of the fire.....leaving the mess. **We hate cleaning**
"Me thinks Lizzie discovered her talent." Cassi remarked.
"Yeah, looks like it." Sven agreed. "When are we gonna end this thing?"
Cassi shrugged. "Not a clue." She answered. "It's kind of fun watching to see where it's going."
"Yeah, it gets more stupid than when it started." Sven retorted.
"Well, it's not boring. Something interesting is always......." Cassi trailed off as a hampster ball
came rolling down the hall at rocket speed. Behind it came Pounce and Tumble, tripping over
each other to get to it first. "Um.....yeah." Cassi continued. "As I was saying....interesting."
"Did that ball say "Babcock" on it?" Sven asked.
**************************************************************************
End part 21. And we give you the moments list as promised.....These are examples of the spoofs.
**************************************************************************
MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS....RANDOM CHOICE PHRASES FROM SPOOFS (By Sven & Cassi)
**************************************************************************
This is not a spoof, and not really a list.....It's just a wonderous collection of moments we all
cherish from the spoofs we all love. I've collected together this bunch of phrases said by
characters thoughout all of our spoofs....including the ones you have seen....and the few that
you haven't. This includes the spoofs that are posted...and the spoofs we have YET to post.
Which would be the first two, with the Cats and the newest ones that are not yet typed. So in a
way, some of the phrases are a small preview of the spoofs you have not yet seen. Enjoy, and
also....We have not fully looked through some of the older spoofs, so there may still be more
phrases that should be in here. So, you our fans, and friends, if you have any choice phrases
that you loved in the spoofs that are not here. PLEASE tell us by review or Email, and we will
gladly include them! So for now...sit back and cherish the memories!!!^_^
************************************************************************
PRESEASON
**************
#1: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA*** (STATUS-Complete, but not typed)By Sven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ADMETUS: She is crazy! She's a raving--
MISTOFFOLEES: Are you talking about Etcetera or the Author? (dodges a spray of water, then
scurries offset)
#2: THE PRINCESS BRIDE....THE SPOOF ***(Status, Complete, but not typed)By Sven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MISTOFFOLEES: Hey! Stop talking so I can speak!
MACAVITY: She got you there, Pouncini....you WEANIE!!!!
MISTOFFOLEES: I swear on the soul of my....HEY! I don't even know who my father WAS!
MUNGOJERRIE: AHH!!!!I'S BOB!!!!QUICK, TEAZAH, 'IODE(hide) ME!!!! 'E'S GONNE EA' ME!
SVEN: Nobody's eating anyone. Back to the script.
SEASON ONE
*****************
#3: STAR WARS: THE NEW SPOOF ***(Status-complete- Online, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCOTT: There's a droid on the scanner! It might be our little R2 unit! Hit the accelerator!
LUKE SKYWALKER: Did I really sound that stupid back then?
WARREN WORTHINGTON: (to Scott) Will you be quiet? You've got a mouth bigger than a
meteor crater, and that ISN'T a joke!
WOLVIE: I'm not cute, I'm a bizerker!
CASSI: Aww, how cute.
#4: LABYRINTH, A SPOOF ***(Status-Complete-Online by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RUMPELTEAZER: Bu' I don' wan' me brother back. 'E was annoyin'.
MISTOFFELEES: I ask for so little...just let me rule you.
CASSI: I have Excedrin, but they're MINE, ALL MINE!!!!!
XANDER: (as a Munchkin) Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
RUMPELTEAZER: I 'ave to go to the castle to save me creepy brother.
#5: STAR WARS: THE SPOOF STRIKES BACK **(Status-Complete-online by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CASSI: You might be a Metalneck if your skeleton is more durable than your car.
SVEN: (to Buffy) Continue, and I don't CARE if you sound like a moron!
WARREN: Your ugly kangaroo-goat will die before you reach the first marker.
ALONZO: We'd better start an evacuation.
CASSI: All that over a cheeseburger?
XANDER: (about Luke) Man, that was close. I was afraid he was gonna do a "Carrie" and kill
us all.
#6: DOT: THE VAMPIRE SLAYER***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPIKE: Hotdog: Hunk of meat made from Roadkill.
MACGYVER: (about Murdoc) Is he dead this time?
SPIKE: (to Dot--slurred) Wha's yer name?
DOT: Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Bananafana Bo Besca, the THIRD! Or you
can call me Dot, but if you call me Dottie, I'll have to hurt you.
CASSI: I am a spectator. I have a right to throw up.
DOT: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador...like I'm ever going to Spain, anyway.
WAKKO: (shoves two straws up his nose) Look, I'm a walrus!!!
DOT: I am the Slayer. I have the ablility to make anvils fall from the ceiling.
MURDOC: I'll get you, Dot, and your little dog, too.
#7: STAR WARS: SHADOWS OF THE SPOOF***(Status-Complete-online, By Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MURDOC: I am NOT insane! I'm just very very determined.
GAMBIT: We seem to have lost the pursuer, Master Scott. I believe it smashed into that
walkway we flew under....or it crashed into the building we flew through.
SPIKE: They keep thinking no one could be as stupid as we are. It fools them every time.
#8: THE VAMPIRE MUMMY ***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: Just add water! Instant Han!
SPIKE: Great, now we're being eaten by a KEWPIE DOLL!
SPIKE: I only gamble with my life, never my money.
BUFFY: I have plenty of respect for the dead....as long as they don't jump up and attack me.
CAPTAIN HOOK: Do I get Combat pay for this?
BUFFY: You're wondering what's a place like me doing in a girl like this?
#9: STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE SPOOF ***(Status-Complete-Online, by Sven)
**This is the first spoof that Carter appeared in.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPIKE: So much for long drawn out death. They'll be sushi in thirty seconds!
SPIKE: (about Logan) Put him back in carbonite. He's past his expiration date.
DR CARTER: (about the raptors) That explains the ripped up trainer I just sewed up. Don't
worry, he'll only lose one of his arms.
DIDYMUS: (as Yoda) Die, I shall not! Fight thee to the death, I shall!
#10: ROBIN HOOD: SPIKE (AND A LOT OF OTHER GUYS) IN TIGHTS**(Status-Complete-
online-Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MULDER: There's something you don't often see. A Jedi Master drowning in a little stream.
SPIKE: My darling, I'm ready for that kiss now....ugh, listen to me. I'm making myself sick.
LUKE SKYWALKER: Hmmm, let me think. Getting a spanking from a snowman, or wearing a
dress. Tough choice.
BILLY COLTON: Man, I never should have worn these shoes. They just don't match my purse.
LANGLY: I'll never look at Star Wars the same way again.
MURDOC: Apparently, acting in spoofs DOES cause irreversable brain damage.
#11: THE THREE MUSKETEERS, A SPOOF ***(Status-Complete- online-Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LANGLY: I gotta say this spoofacting thing really SUCKS!
PRINCE JOHN: Who wants to fall off a really high wall?
MURDOC: (to MacGyver) Angus.....isn't that a breed of cattle?
BUFFY: Dying never was a dream of mine, noble or not.
CASSI, MURDOC, CHRIS & PHYRO: (singing) We're pyromaniacs! We love fire to the max!
We buy matches by the stacks, we have flamethrowers on our backs, we're PYROMANIACS!!!!
JACK DALTON: (to Xander)Forgive me for being late, Your Majesty, but I was wrestling with
an important affair of State.
SPIKE: Translation. Seducing your wife.
CASSI: (about sword fighting) The pointy end goes into the other guy.
MURDOC: I'm the bad guy. And the bad guy makes the good guy's life miserable. Ask anyone.
SEASON TWO
*******************
#12: CUTTHROAT ISLAND, THE SPOOF***(Status-Complete-online-by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOLVIE: (about Munku) Hey that's his SCALP! Lemme TOUCH it!
CHRIS: Her uncle and father are cats, and her other uncle's not only Egyptian, but younger than
her. They're already key for the Jerry Springer show.
ARDETH: Pirates do NOT have tea parties!
DAWN: (to Langly) Do you guys really have Jimmy Hoffa's Email address?
LANGLY: (seriously) Yeah, but we don't give it out.
PETER: Best to take her to the hospital....however since we can't, best we seal her side with this
hot poker.
FROHIKE: Try not to kill her, Langly. You're too good a hacker to splatter across the deck.
#13: THE PHANTOM....FROM THE FBI***(Status-Complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRINCE JOHN: (to Mulder) Here's your rings. We had to eat a lot of Cracker-Jacks for them, so
act greatful.
MULDER: Great. I have a telepathic monster for a wolf and a green horse that needs an
excorcist.
HAN: Get him OFF! He's eating the green skull!!!
MACAVITY: (about Ardeth) It's very disturbing when your Captain, who is supposed to
intimidate you, has a happyface in the middle of his forehead.
HARLEY: (runs up to Fiddles) *We have to run now and chase that plane!*
FIDDLES: Right, we have to save the damsel in distress from the freak in the purple suit!
FIDDLES: (waves at the camera) Lady Iris, look at me!!! I'm on TV!!! Hi everybody!!! I'm on TV!!
IMHOTEP: Ardeth, I am your father!!!
ARDETH: NOOO!!!THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
#14: BATMAN, A SPOOF ***(Status-complete-online, by Sven)
**This is where we cracked Carter**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CASSI: (to Ryan) You actually read the script? You really ARE insane!
MURDOC: I am deeply ashamed. I tried so hard to be wanted in every country.
SVEN: Okay, who gave Pouncie catnip AND a machine gun!?
GERARD: (into his phone) This is Gerard.......no, I can't come in.......no, Cosmo can't either........
because he's dead......NO, I'm NOT kidding!!!
SVEN: (takes the phone) We're sorry, Cosmo and Gerard are not available at this time. If you try
to call again, you will be fed to a pack of velociraptors.
MUNGO: (answers Cosmo's phone) 'Ello?......No, 'e's dead.....'E'll be aloive in abou' an houah.
Call then.
BRUCE WAYNE: Am I in the right place?
CASSI: You see any other buildings with weirdos in them?
#15: JAMES OF THE JUNGLE ***(Status-complete-online, by Cassi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WAKKO: Look everyone! Africa is purple like France!
DARTH VADER: Nobody dies, they just get big boo-boos.
DARTH VADER: May I continue, or do I have to choke a few people?
PRINCE JOHN: (to Glory) Hon, if the people an this set aren't already mindless zombies, there
ain't NOTHIN that'll turn 'em into one.
SVEN: That's the spoofauthors. Creating disfunctional families for all.
MURDOC: (after MacGyver threatens him) Oh, I'm really scared. What are you going to do?
Stab me with a Swiss army knife and duct tape me to death?
#16: THE FUGITIVE....FROM THE ER***(Status-complete-online, by Sven)
**This is where we drove Carter insane as well as Ardeth, and the rest of the ER crew made
their first appearence.**Romano and Weaver were both killed in this.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DR DAVE: Dr Romano had an accident with Dr. Benton's scalpel. He's dead.
STEVE: (smells Spike and gags) Ugh, he's past his expiration date.
CASSI: No! Our Guest does not kill cereal.....in fact, I'm not even sure he eats it.
KRYCHECK: I got it. The doctor who killed his wife, but not really, since she's not his wife, and
she's not dead.
ARDETH: CPD, hold your fire! My FRIEND is on the roof!!! (thinks a moment) Oh yes, and
there's a US Psycho out there too.
MURDOC: (to Carter) Well, look at it this way. Instead of stitching people together on the
slab, you'll get to be on the slab, yourself.
MURDOC: (about Chris Knight) Ah yeah. We can discuss the difference between a genius
and a person who needs psychological help, later.
SVEN: Spike, and Angelus, you need to lead a shell-shocked Dr. Carter from the house.......
Carter, pretend you just found out you got a role.
SVEN: (reads note from guest) He doesn't slay prostitutes and in so many words, Jack the
Ripper was a pussy.
CASH: (in reguards into not wanting to go into the sewer slime) If this makes me a baby, get
me a bottle and a crib. I'd rather be humiliated then in here.
#17: JURASSIC SPOOF***(Status-complete-online, by Cassi & Sven)
Carter and Ardeth on morphine....together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: Cassi, you can not blow the guest all over the Green Room!
CASSI: All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Lando together again.
MISTY: (in the car) Oh LOOK! A television set! We don't have to watch the dinosaurs!
CASSI: People are dying! Shut down the system so we can kill more.
ASH: Can we stop talking and get away BEFORE the monster turns around!?
CASSI: Our mom likes cows. We'll rip up people, but not cows.
ASH: Great, we're gonna die and Darth Vader is telling us all about the animals that are going to
eat us.
GUMBO: Dead dinosaurs aren't scary.
BRIDGET: And dead children aren't annoying.
CASSI: Script! Logan, you scare him by reading the script.
BUFFY: Yeah, because reading the script terrifies people.
MURDOC: I'd like to thank you for flying "Air Murdoc." I hope you live long enough to do
this again sometime!
PETE: (to Niles) In 48 hours, you'll be dead, so I don't think your opinion matters much.
SEASON THREE
********************
#18: STAR WARS: HEIR TO THE SPOOF***(Status-incomplete-hiatus at pg 200. partial online
-Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HAN: Buffy is married to Logan and Spike....she's pregant with Logan's twins, and she has an
8 year-old son by Spike.
MUNKUSTRAP: We're gonna DIE!!!! BEWARE THE EVIL YELLOW CIRCLE!!! IT'S GOING
TO EAT US ALL!!!!
WOLVIE: (to Buffy) Mommy, I don't like Daddy Logan. He smells. You need to get rid of him.
DR CARTER: (sticks his tongue out at Spike) I got to go to Jurassic Park!!
SPIKE: Gambit, get it right, or we'll recycle you.
ROMANO: And here we have the example of a drunk mutant Jedi.
CASSI: That must be some STRONG hot chocolate.
#19: THE VAMPIRE MUMMY RETURNS ***(Status-complete-online-by Cassi)
**Romano is Assistant starting part two**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DYLAN SKYLER: In 20 years at Cyndi's wedding, DON'T EAT THE PIG!!!!
HANNIBAL LECTER: Use the Farce.
DOT: Please do not attempt to pet the stuffed animals or security, as they will try to kill you.
SPIKE: WOAH!!! EVIL STUFFED ANIMAL!!!
MURDOC: Please tell me we aren't fighting Martian Pigs.
JOHN: Okay, subject of Martian Pigs aside, back to the script.
EVELYN: (reading the wall) Who wrote, "Glory loves Imhotep" here?
MUMMY: (singing) If I only had a brain!!!
XANDER HARRIS: For those of you who have just joined us, everyone here is a crazy person.
ARDETH: Murdoc! Put the flamethrower down! They're not supposed to know you're there!
#20: JURASSIC SPOOF: THE LOST WORLD***(Status-complete-online-By Cassi)
**Romano returns as Assistant and Carter slaughters the med-crew**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JONATHAN CARNAHAN: (to Penny) Honey, please don't startle the nice armed assassin.
ROMANO: (reguarding Carter) You mean there's actually people willing to PAY for him!?
CASSI: Please tell me Security didn't eat the SWAT team.
SVEN: NO! Someone actually GAINED sanity!?
FROHIKE: (to Ardeth) Well, if you feel underqualified any, you might just try flcking the switch
to "On".
ARDETH: (to Shower) You naughty girl! You're lucky you're my daughter, or I'd cook you alive
and eat you!
DR CARTER: (reguarding the sick Ralph jr) So give him an Alka-seltzer and let him GO!
IMHOTEP: Right. It's settled. We let them sleep until Ralph and Mrs. Ralph wake them up, then
we all flee in blind panic on our separate ways.
GLORY: (to Ralph jr) Daddy's gone insane, dear. Ignore him.
#21: PEREGRIN, A"WILLOW" SPOOF ***(Status-complete-online-by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ARDETH: Seizing all pregnant women in the realm, the evil...(laughs) Queen...(laughs) I mean,
King Imhotep.....
PIPPIN: (to Spike) If you don't wait your turn to act, Bug, they'll be finding YOU in the river!
WOLVIE: (about Connor) Well, actually, I'm realated. Spike is my Daddy, and that baby is his
Uncle-Nephew, so he's my....Great Uncle-cousin.
JIMMY BOND: Hey! Falkie-Falkie really IS a Tookie-Tookie!
PIPPIN: I wish I could take you two X-Babies with me.....so that my life becomes a living torture
and I kill myself after a day.
FRODO: Fine! Go ahead and use the road! And when you get caught, tell Queen Imhotep I said
HI!
GLORY: (grins) You're not warriors! You're.....BUNNY RABBITS!!!
MADCHRIS: (bites a carrot) Ahh...what's up, doc?
LEGOLAS: (to Arwen) Protect me!!! The Evil snowman's gonna get me!!!!
#22: LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE SPOOF***(Status-complete-online, by
Sven) **Enter the Xanth crew and we still can't separate Carter and Ardeth...and the Ring
won't shut up.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RING: I will rule the world!!!
CASSI: There weren't any Pokemon in the Fellowship.
RING: This story is about ME, not some stupid talking SCRIPT!
WOLVIE: Bagless? Sure I know a Bagless! Magneato Bagless! Over there! He's my father's
brother's nephew's cousin's former room mate....twice removed on his mother's side.
MAGNEATO'S SCRIPT: No, you moron! I'm in this idiot's hand....and don't call me stupid,
STUPID!
DARTH VADER: I'm so proud. My baby's all grown up into a big Sith Lord!
CHRIS: Nowhere in the script does it say that Pippin picked up the discarded Wraith blade and
stabbed Frodo with it!
MAGNEATO: HELLO!!! I'm dying over here!!! Could you stop talking and SAVE me!?
SAM (HOBBIT): Will you shut up and DIE already!?
SVEN: If you don't start acting correctly, I'll bring in Humfrey's wife and have her LOOK at you!
SVEN: (about the ring---gives Carter a brainduster) What are you trying to do, DESTROY IT!?
ANGEL: Have you seen it, Ardeth? The White Tower of ....um....Eck, the Lion.
ELROND: (about the broken mirror) Ouch, Galadriel's gonna be pissed.
MAGNETO: Just tea, thank-you. Without the rat poison, it might upset my stomach.
ROMANO: Okay, somebody call Psyche and get them down here.
CYKE: I'm Cthyke, what do you want?
ROMANO: A gun, I'm going to shoot myself.
MAGNEATO: I wish the Ring had never come to me.
RING: You ain't the only one.
#23: THE FORBIDDEN SPOOF: THE HUNTER***(Status-incomplete//in progress, by Cassi)
**Romano is not only Assistant, but the Narrator, so he has a lot of one-liners.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SVEN: I wanna see if they'll get Aragorn high enough to to lose Gondor.
CASSI: (to Jenny) We're insane, dear. Play along.
DR ROMANO: I am the assistant director! If I wanna say "Once upon a time", I SAY it! (pulls
out a (flamethrower) Now does anyone have a problem with that!?
CASSI: People, this is NOT a circus!!!
DR ROMANO: It's in the script. "Jenny sees gorgeous cyber-punk, and stares like an idiot until
he looks away."
FIDDLES: ACK!!! DEMON BOX!!!DEMON BOX!!!!
CASSI: (to Dor) Would you STOP making my props talk!?!?
PSYLOCKE: Great. First I get changed into a teenager, then I get told to color.
JENNY: It's not funny.
SVEN: We're not laughing. We're gagging.
JULIAN: (about Tom) Can I kill him, now!? Huh? Can I?
TARA MACLAY: Right. I can beat you with my trusty CRAYON!
LEGOLAS: The gods themselves do tremble.
FIDDLES: All hail the mighty crayon!
SEASON FOUR
*********************
#24: US PSYCHOS***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
**The Carter and Ardeth conspiracy continues...and please don't ask us how Kimble became
a Marshal.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GERARD: I'm Samuel Gerard, and I'm an insane maniac.
NEWMAN: (grabs his gun back from Kimble) Give me that! You're gonna HURT someone!
(shoots the Krycheck clone in the head) There. See? That's how you do it!
NEWMAN: (to Cosmo) Because I LIKE this shirt. Besides....it's not YOUR blood.
SHERIDAN: (to Newman) Uhhh......er.....Weren't you dead?
GERARD: (after Biggs shoots Cash) Biggs, you killed yourself.
SVEN: Forget the morphine and the crazy guy in tights on the ceiling! Spoof now!
DAVE: No, I want to go to the back of the plane to retrieve the pen gun and blow a hole
through the window, so I can splatter myself in someone's tub, thus causing them to never
use their bathroom again.
ANDREW (trio): Well when you put it that way. (to Dave) Go ahead and explode.
RYAN: (to Sven)You're the Author, you can kill anyone you want.
SVEN: (about her reading books on serial killers) But I like reading the casework and Forensic
stuff. It has nothing to do with me torturing people. I'm insane, not a PSYCHO!!
#25: JURASSIC SPOOF III ***(Status-in progress, By Cassi)
**Carter and Ardeth are back again.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DR CARTER: YIPPPEEEEE!!!!!! I'm going back to the dinosaur park!!!!
COSMO: (to Carter) Has anyone ever told you to switch to decaf?
JIMMY MARTINEZ: Do you think they've noticed that it says, "Dino Chow" on top of the
parasail yet?
NICK: (about the veggiesaurs) Great. They eat each other and we starve!
LOGAN: (making his speech) Okay, Raptors are smart, yada yada yada...they could have ruled
the world, and you need to give us money so we can afford to dig their dried out, mummified,
and petrified skeletons from the ground and put them on display for your enjoyment.
DOT: Doesn't that just make you wanna give them money?
DONOVAN: (to his team) Children, if you can't behave, I'll stand you in corners.
CODY FORRESTER: (points at Shaw) He started it.
COMPUTER: NOOO!!! DON'T TAKE MY MAGNET! I LOVE MY MAGNET!!!
BUFFY: (over the phone) 911, please hold.
CASSI: Shadowman: another word for "Peeping Tom."
#25: WILD WILD SPOOFED MESS***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parody of "Wild Wild West", starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline
CHRIS: (about Newman) The spoof hasn't even started and he's already gonna get an Oscar.
GILES: About me dying. Why wasn't I told?
GERARD: (about Zorro/Diego) Yeah, we left him a trail of post-it-notes. I'm sure he'll show
up before his scene.
GERARD: (to Newman) I don't even want to know where your gun is.....by the way, Biggs said
you have nice legs.
BLUE: (about Newman) Aww, now I'm gonna have nightmares.
GERARD: Cosmo, just read it, or I'LL shoot you!
FIDDLES: (about Jay) Ack! Dumb human attacking me! Help! Help! HELP!! Someone please
rescue me!
GLORY: (with the opera glasses and speaking with a thick accent) Get out of my vay, get out
of my vay. U.S. Army, U.S. Marshal..........You look better as a woman. U.S. Marshal shoots
U.S. Army.......
NEWMAN: Sorry, there have been a lot of death threats lately. The cabinet made me hire
all these *beep* detectives. Drink? Cigar? Donut with little sprinkles on it?
GERARD: (to Newman) Nice try, Noah. Keep that up and someday it'll kill you......oh wait, it
already did.
#26: A SPOOF OF CHAMELEON ***(Status-in progress, by Sven)
**Carter and Ardeth star**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parody of "A Spell for Chameleon" the 1st Xanth novel, by Piers Anthony
HUGO: My Mom's face turns people to stone, and my Dad's a big baby.
TRENT: (about Chameleon) She just grounded the King of Xanth.
MISTY: Ash's talent is the same as his Mom's Pokemon!
CASSI: (as Mr Mime) Mime! Mr. Mime!
HARMONY: Who is the King here, anyway?
PIPPIN: The Grand-Alf. **Gandalf's new name...like it?**
CASSI: We need a ditz.
MURDOC: Oh really? Interesting. Why can't you use Buffy?
ROMANO: Hey we only put out the facts. If you look stupid it's your own fault.
ARDETH: Can you horse-rears be quiet?! I want to eventually get in the story.
MIDNIGHT MUSE: Never trust your cat to drive your house across the ocean.
FIDDLES: (runs in) Evil Martian pigs are coming chased by "Eck the Lion". Help!! HELP!! Run
for your lives the sky is about to fall! Run, run, RUN!! We must escape before the evil bunnies
arrive!
ANYANKA: EVIL BUNNIES?!? (screams) KEEP THEM AWAY!!!
FIDDLES: Evil poisonous bunnies!!!! Martian bunnies!!!
THE ONE RING: (to the script) Shut-up. Nobody cares. They won't give YOU an Oscar. You are
far from being in any way important. You are nothing but a useless paper. Me, on the other
hand, has recieved an Oscar. I'm so important.
SCRIPT: That Oscar won't do you any good once they cast you into the fires of Mount Doom!
GROUCHO MARX: I'm not insane.......I'm different.
CASSI**After breaktime**: (makes a face) You mean Babcock, Pratt, and Anspaugh are
coming on set?
SVEN: What if they give us Cooties?
CARTER: Let's just skip the examination and exile me already.
CARTER: Hey, look at me! I'm on one side! (steps across the Shield) I'm on the other.
(steps right in the Shield between both sides) Is this really all that critical? Hey everyone!
I have a talent SEE! I'm gonna let Ardeth in to conquer Xanth!
GROUCHO: Are you sure I can't be King?
CARTER: (snickering) No. I never killed anyone.
ROMANO: (spits his drink out) Is this the same guy who killed the med-team?
CARTER: I'm innocent....(sounding completely honest) I was framed, I tell you, FRAMED!!!
ROMANO: (starts choking)
BETWEEN THE SPOOFS/ER AND THE TERRIBLE YOUTH ELIXIR INCIDENT
If you don't know what this one's about, what on earth have you been reading for the
last 21 chapters?!
**************************************************************
--Takes place after Forbidden Spoof Hunter and in the middle of Chameleon--
CHRIS MASON: (to Greene) Who creamed your widow? (dartboard)
GREENE: (with a guilty look) It was an accident.
JIMMY BOND: (to Romano) Wow, you're the Chief of Staff? Does that mean you like run the
place?
ROMANO: I look like Land of the LITTLE People!
ANSPAUGH: How is that different from normal?
DR DAVE: This is the LAST time I answer an invatation! LOOK at me! I haven't even hit
PUBERTY yet!
GREENE: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm dead.
ROMANO: (to Anspaugh) If you do not put me down this instant, you're FIRED! I don't care
if I AM five! I'm still the Chief of Staff!
ANSPAUGH: Does anyone have some aspirin? I think I need about a bottle and a half.
BENTON: Are you sure you don't need a rabies shot? We don't exactly know where his
[Romano] mouth has been.
DR CARTER: I'm alright. I just hit my head.
DR KOVAC: (groans) Yeah, on MINE!
ROMANO: (yelling about Benton) HELP ME!!!! He's gonna HURT me!!! Get me away from
the BAD MAN!!!
SHIRLEY: Robert, if you were my child, I'd PAY someone to kidnap you!!!
WOLVIE: I have three daddies and two mommies. Dada Pip, and Mama Jemima, she's a cat, and
my other mommy is a Vampire Slayer, and my daddy Spike is a Vampire, and my other daddy is a
big ugly smelly gorilla!
ROMANO: (about the ketchup and mustard wall mural) Nice work, all you need now is some
pickle relish and a hotdog.
ROMANO: All the people who have tried to sue the hospital....and now we're being threatened
by a CRASH CART!
ROMANO: There are X-BABIES loose in the hospital!?
CASSI: Why not? There are little surgeons loose in the hospital.
SHIRLEY: (to Romano) Say "Uncle!"
DR DAVE: (whispering loudly) I see DEAD people!!!
DR BENTON: Didn't I pronounce that guy two hours ago?
DR CARTER: It can't be good publicity to have zombies shedding clumps of body parts all over
the hospital.
CORDAY'S OFFICE DOOR: (about Corday) She called Romano a horrid little turd once!
ROMANO: Who are you calling LITTLE?!
CASSI: (in Romano's office, talking to Kerry) I'm his daughter, but we still don't know who my
mother is yet.
CHUNY: I got the labs back on Billy Idol. He's dead.
DAVE: (about Sven) She's a homicidal maniac!
CARTER: What am I, chopped liver?
WEAVER: I have an Irish guy who's high on morphine, and an English guy, also on morphine,
who needs 150 stitches removed from his arm, he swears was nearly bitten off by a large
dinosaur who thinks he's a dog named Bill.
BENTON: (to Connie) I've met the Elf-Prince of Mirkwood, Groucho Marx, a talking dog, Buffy
the Vampire Slayer, the King of the Goblins, Archangel of the X-Men, Pharaoh Nightcrawler the
First, Pikachu, and Mulder and Scully of the X-Files. How've you been?
BENTON: (about Fiddles) I don't care if it IS greean and singing! What's it doing in the
EMERGENCY ROOM!?
CASSI: (to Dor) Make sure you take notes so you can be a wonderful surgeon just like me one
day.
CASSI: (to Dor) And this is the ER butcher shop. If you look really close, you can see the poor
shmucks that are about to become the next line of victims.
ROMANO: (to Cassi) Actually, I'd rather blow Kerry all over the ER and let the Compys eat her
miserable little pieces.
CASSI: These five year olds...they're so violent these days. So young, so angry. Darn that rap
music!!!
CASSI: If you be a good little boy and go destroy something nice and expensive, I promise I'll
let you blow up anyone you want when you grow up, okay?
PASTOR RAY: If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
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And now the section is all full. making it as long as one section of our spoofs. Review now, and
we'll get the next part out soon.