Chapt. 38 (side-story: Friends and Lovers)

"Hello Jean-Luc" she had always felt silly talking to the memorial plate that lay hidden within the lush garden behind Troi's house. The first time Deanna had returned to her home-planet after having lost her husband and children, she had asked Beverly if it was all right with her, if she placed a memorial plate for Jean-Luc as well.

And so here she was, hours before Deanna's second marriage. "I still miss you, you know and I wish you'd been here today, if only to buy me that drink I won." She chuckled breathlessly and turned to face the house. "Sometimes I wish I had Deanna's courage, after Jack's death. God, there have been so many instances that I wanted to tell you, to make you understand how I felt. And yet the same questions popped up in my mind time and time again."

"What if he feels differently? What if he doesn't, but is lost in the line of duty, too?" A sole tear trickled down her cheek. "Now that I know how…how your life ended I still can't answer the ever present of 'what if'. I would've lost you, yes. It would've hurt worse than it did, true as well. But there would have been years in between. Years of shared love, of silly disagreements and dangerous fights and undoubtedly a conflict of interest every now and then as well."

"I've watched Deanna these past years and I am a bit shameful to admit that only now I see why you respected her the way you did. I know strength is a feature you respect in any woman, but although I'm her best friend, I can't say I've ever seen her express as much fire and strength of spirit as she has these past years. How I wish I had that fire myself."

If only, if only she hadn't blamed him for Jack's death. If only he hadn't been Jack's best friend, if only he hadn't been her captain.

If only he hadn't died.

"I'm jealous you see" she whispered quietly, leaning closer to the cold stone as if in fear anyone else might hear her. "I'm jealous that history didn't repeat itself, so to speak. When Worf disappeared" Beverly felt her cheeks flush a crimson red as the words rolled out her mouth "I was relieved, because finally, finally I had a friend who understood what I'd been through. And I felt horrible, for I wished no one a faith like mine, certainly not my best friend. And I felt even worse when I realized she knew, that she could sense what I felt."

She remembered that day well; she had been brooding in her office all day about Deanna's situation versus her own, and which each minute that passed she had felt more and more guilty. Then Troi had stormed in, grabbing her by her shoulders and nearly yelling 'don't do this to yourself Bev!' before she had calmed down and had whispered quietly 'I understand'.

"I still wonder at times what my life would've been like if I had dared to speak my feelings and more often than not I imagine a little brother for Wesley, with –red-hair" Crusher smiled half-heartedly at her own humor, for a brief moment lightening the mood she'd managed to talk herself into. "But the past cannot be changed and so I draw strength from the near certainty that there is a reality parallel to ours in which you and I haven't been as foolish as we have been in this Universe."

"I guess…that what I'm saying…no, what I'm *admitting* is that…that I still love you very much Jean-Luc." Finally the words had been lifted from her heart; not in some wild moment in her dreams or in a moment of despair. She had admitted her love, to him and to herself, completely sober and uninfluenced.

And from somewhere deep within her a voice whispered quietly "As I love you."

With a smile brighter and more genuine than ever, Beverly Crusher rose from her kneeled position and turned to face the figure that had been waiting at a discreet distance. The two women met in a big hug, affirming the strong sense of friendship between them.

"There is a Betazoid saying" Deanna said quietly as they broke the embrace "that a soul never forgets. No matter how dark a place is or how joyful, in this realty or another, in this realm of existence or another. I believe," Deanna finished confidently, "that as long as you remember, he will remember too."

Final Fini