Broke!-Chapter 6: Amnesia and Theft
JK: Hi! I've actually found some extra time on my hands.
Seto: Oh, and is that supposed to make me happy?
JK: No, but it might make other people happy.
Yami: Like me!
JK: Okay, now to continue with the story-
Yugi: I know a story! I know a story!
JK: Okay, Yugi, tell us a story.
Yugi: There were once three bears and they made porridge-
JK: Uh, no, Yugi.
Yami: I have one! Long ago, when the pyramids were still young, Egyptian kings played a game of great and terrible power. But the shadow games soon erupted into a war that threatened to destroy the entire world. Until a brave and powerful Pharaoh- that's me, by the way- locked the magic away.Imprisoning it within the mystical Millennium Items. Now, five thousand years later, a boy named Yugi unlocks the secret of the Millennium Puzzle- it took the runt like five years! He is infused with ancient magical energies-MY ancient magical energies-for destiny has chosen him to defend the world from the return of the shadow games just as the brave Pharaoh- yup, me the brave Pharaoh whose glory is hogged by the puny idiot- did five thousand years ago.
(He looks around and finds everyone asleep.)
Yami: Weren't you all listening?!
Seto: No, but I have a story. A nice and short story.
JK: Okay Seto, entertain us.
Seto: Tea walked into a shop where they sold mirrors. The shop closed down.
(Everyone, except Tea, begins to laugh.)
Yami: I have to admit that was good!
Dark Shadows (a friend of mine): Yay Yami! (She glomps Yami.)
JK: Malik, you rock! (High fives Malik.)
Malik: I know. (kisses Millennium Rod)
(JK sighs and Dark shadows comes out of her trance.)
Dark shadows: Hey! I like Seto! (glomps Seto)
Seto: Ouch! You're worse than Tea!
Dark Shadows (after gasping): How dare you compare me to her?!
Seto: It's easier than it looks.
JK: He has a point.
Yami: Definitely.
(Dark Shadows glares at JK.)
JK: Sorry, but I just had to!
Seto: Can we start this thing? I don't like the way your friend is looking at me.
JK (snickering): You must be very afraid of her, considering you'd rather be poor than face her.
Seto: I knew it! Your presence brings despair!
Yami: For you, anyway.
Mokuba: Do Seto and Isis get married?
JK (calmly), Seto and Isis (not exactly calmly): No!
Mokuba (sadly): Oh.
Dark Shadows: And that's because Seto will marry me! See? Here's the engagement ring! (shows her hand which, by the way, has no ring on it)
JK: Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
Seto: Besides, I would rather marry Is- scratch that.
Isis: You conceited jerk!
JK: Here we go again. Anyway, for a new twist, Dark shadows can do the disclaimer.
Dark Shadows: No!
(Malik holds up the Millennium Rod.)
Dark Shadows: I mean, of course. JK doesn't own anything.
JK: Yes I do. I own clothes and Duel Monsters cards and-
Seto: And this miserable plotline.
JK: That too.
Seto: But you don't own us.
JK: That too.
* * *
Seto had no clue what had happened to him. The only thing he was aware of was the throbbing headache that engulfed his senses. He looked at his surroundings. Oh, yeah, sure, wonderful, he thought, finding himself lying in a pile of garbage.
"Why am I forced to endure this?!" he screamed. Luckily, no one was around to hear him conversing with himself. Seto got up, and stood as long as pain would permit him. Then he collapsed.
"Oh, man. I feel like I got hit by a truck," he said to himself.
"No, it was actually Malik," said a voice. Seto turned to find Isis Ishtar, standing and smiling.
"Isis, you do care!" said Seto. Isis turned red, but not from embarrassment.
"You better watch what you say, Kaiba! Or else I'll add another bruise to that empty head of yours!" she screamed.
"Oh," said Seto, embarrassed because of his mistake. What can I say? Getting hit in the head with a lamp can make people do strange things. But then the smug and vain Seto returned.
"Oh, really? You don't care? Then explain to me what exactly you want to do in an alley way at this time in the morning," said Seto. Isis didn't even respond. She just looked Seto in the eye, and allowed Mokuba to do her work for her. He emerged from behind her, and squealed.
"Seto! Seto! Seto!" Mokuba jumped onto his brother.
"Ow," was the only thing Seto could manage to say.
"To put it shortly, Kaiba, the only reason that I'm here is because Mokuba was worried about you and asked me to see how you were," said Isis, indicating the Millennium Tauk. (A/N: Also known as the Millennium Necklace in the dubbed.)
"Ooooooo! Is that gold?" asked Seto, looking a little dazed.
"Excuse me?"
"Is that gold?" he repeated.
"Er.yeah."
"How much could I sell it for if I jumped you, do you think?" said Seto. Yes, the after effects of getting hit in the head by a heavy lamp are quite harsh.
"Seto, what in the name of Ra is wrong with you?" asked Isis.
"Who's Seto, by the way?" asked Seto. Isis face faulted.
"You're Seto, silly!" said Mokuba.
"Okay. And who are you?" he asked.
"Mokuba, your brother."
"That's funny, I don't seem to remember you," said Seto thoughtfully, "Oh, nice place. Do you live here?"
"No, but you do."
"Really? I deserve better than this, I daresay," said Seto. Isis found herself in a very delicate predicament.
"Excuse me? Can you please tell me about yourself?" she asked.
"Well, I was born on-oh! What odd clothing! They don't have this where I come from. Anyway, I am a priest. It's a very important job. I am forced to feed human sacrifices to the Blue Eyes White Dragon. It's actually fun. I used to be the Pharaoh's closest adviser, but he was a dung brain so I gave that up. I like annoying the Pharaoh by stealing all of his- "
"Never mind about that!" said Isis quickly, not wanting Mokuba to get any ideas, "Now, what did you say your name was?"
"You know, I can't remember! It seems like it's been five thousand years since I last used it. I also like Shadow Games. I love the way people scream when they lose! Someone might go so far as to call me malicious. And also-"Seto cut himself off, noticing Isis' Millennium Item.
"Can it be?! It's the Millennium Tauk! How can a mortal such as you possess one? Though, I must admit, you are a good looking mortal. Answer the question, peasant!" said Priest Seto. Isis resisted the urge to punch him.
"Fate," she said.
"Oh, well what a coincidence! I happen to possess an item as well. The Millennium Rod. Now," he said, searching for the Rod. But as he continued to look, one thing was becoming very clear to him.
"Well?" asked Isis, smirking.
"BY RA! I'VE BEEN ROBBED!" screamed Seto. Isis wasn't at all surprised.
"What a shame," she said, putting on a look of compassion. But really, she couldn't be happier.
"We must find it! That Rod means more than the world to me! It means more than life itself! I need that item! I was planning on having it placed in my tomb upon my death!" panicked Seto.
"It means more than me?" asked Mokuba, starting to cry.
"Of course, insolent human!" said Seto, frantically digging through garbage. But then he found something that made him forget about the Rod entirely.
"Oooooooooo! What's this?" he asked, indicating a telephone.
"That's called a phone," said Isis, sighing.
"What's it do?" asked Seto curiously.
"Never mind that!" Isis snapped. She grabbed Mokuba's hand, and began to walk away. But Mokuba grabbed Seto's hand, dragging him along. Isis grimaced. How long would she be forced to endure this?
Priest Seto was making quite a few observations, and asking annoying questions at the same time.
"Wow, look at that! Why is it moving so fast? Oh, what's this hard substance that we are walking upon? What does that say? I cannot understand it. Why do you people dress so strange? Except for you, everyone has no fashion sense! Oh Ra! It's a metal bird in the sky!" That was about a quarter of what he said. And gradually, he was becoming very hard to understand. Seto was forgetting English! (A/N: I know that they speak Japanese, but for the sake of this story, they speak English!) Isis, being an archaeologist, could understand his ancient Egyptian speech, but Mokuba, and everyone else around them, was looking very confused.
"Priest, can you please shut up?" asked Isis in ancient Egyptian.
"Now I can understand you!" said Seto. (A/N: Please note that whenever Isis is talking to Seto, it will be in ancient Egyptian but when she talks to everyone else, it will be in English.)
Seto's stupidity had not ended. He found his curiosity dragging him toward the street, and he ran in front of a city bus. The driver swerved around just an inch from Seto, crashing into a tree.
"You $^%&@! Now I'm going to get fired! What the @*$% are you doing on the road, you &^#? Get the *%^$ away from here!" cursed the bus driver. Seto stared in awe.
"What beautiful words he's using, Isis!" said Seto, recording in Ancient Egyptian the way they sound.
"Er, Priest? He's cursing you out," said Isis, interested to see what he would do.
"Seriously? Okay, that's it!" said Seto. Then he began to speak a long string of ancient Egyptian curses. Isis stared, wide-eyed. She had only heard words such as these from Yami Bakura, and at one time from Yami when Yugi lost the hair gel. Isis shuddered, remembering.
"Priest, let's go," she said, tugging at his arm. Seto looked at her, and blushed.
"I didn't catch your name," said Seto. Oh great, thought Isis, now he's trying to make a move on me. This kid doesn't quit.
"My name is Isis." Seto's mouth dropped and if the laws of human body structure hadn't prevented it, his mouth would have made a dent in the pavement. Seto got to his knees and started to hail Isis. Isis looked nervously from side to side, as if looking for a place to hide.
"I am very sorry for the foul language I have used in your presence, my Queen. Forgive me," said Seto. Do I have to say it? Isis was greatly enjoying herself. But to make it seem as if a great Egyptian goddess hadn't forgiven him, she said nothing.
"Um, as punishment, you may force me to sing for the Pharaoh, my Queen. Or another unpleasant task," said Seto nervously.
"I may do whatever I wish," said Isis, "But Priest, I have a confession to make. I'm not a goddess; I'm just named after one."
"Oh," said Seto, getting to his feet and attempting to brush off the dirt.
"This *beep* dirt isn't coming off!" he screamed.
"Kaiba!" warned Isis.
"Who's Kaiba?"
"That's your last name," she said airily.
"I have two names?!" asked Seto, "What a strange place this is."
"Priest, can we just go?" asked Isis.
"Wherever you lead me, Isis." Isis stared at Seto. For a second time, she had to resist the urge to hit him.
"Isis," said Mokuba uncertainly, tugging at her hand, "Why is Seto acting like a moron? I mean, he hasn't said a normal word in twenty minutes." Isis stared at Mokuba, surprised at his sudden change in attitude. I guess this is how he's usually like, when Seto is sane and with him, she thought.
"Well, Mokuba, when Malik hit him over the head, he seemed to have damaged Seto's brain. But I don't think it's irreversible. Seto thinks he's an ancient Egyptian priest, like he was in his past lifetime. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Isis explained.
"Duh! What do you think I am, some immature little brat?" Isis chose not to answer this. She turned around, and saw that the infamous priest had disappeared.
"Oh, crap," she said. She began to walk around, searching for the former power-crazy millionaire who was now reduced to a brain damaged bum.
"Isis!" Seto called from a phone booth, "It's that frone thing you were telling me about!" Isis, against her own will, walked into the phone booth.
"Okay, we better be going!" she said.
"But how does it work?"
"Okay, you take this. It's called a quarter, and it's a form of payment. You put it into the slot right there. Then you pick up the phone and press those buttons. Then it rings, and a person answers. Try it."
"You mean there are people in that thing?!" asked Seto incredulously.
"No! This phone connects to other phones that other people have! The person hears their phone ringing, and they answer it. In this way, you can talk to them," said Isis very slowly.
"Oh! So why am I paying the phone?" asked Seto. Isis shot him an unpleasant look, so he just took the quarter from her and inserted it into the slot. Then the genius chose to dial 911.
"Hello, what is your emergency?" asked a woman on the line.
"Hi!" said Seto, still in ancient Egyptian.
"What is your emergency?" the woman repeated.
"You know, I wish I understood you," said Seto.
"Do you have a freaking emergency or not?"
"Um, are you mad?" asked Seto.
"What language do you speak? Latin or something?" asked the woman.
"Don't you insult me like that!" said Seto, thinking she was cursing at him. The woman simply saved herself the trouble and hung up.
"That was fun, Isis!" said Seto, "Can I have another corder?"
"It's quarter, and yes, here," she said. Seto put it in the slot and dialed a number. The line was busy.
"Isis! I think the phone is mad at me!" said Seto worriedly, "It sounds odd."
"The line is busy," said Isis, "meaning that the person is already talking to someone and you have to call again later."
"Oh, can I have another quarter?"
"Last time." Seto put the quarter in and again began to dial.
"Whadaya want?" asked the person on the other end.
"You sound odd," said Seto.
"Who is this, callin' me at 6 o'clock in the morning on a freakin' Sunday?" Needless to say, it was Joey.
"Sunday?" Seto asked.
"Wait, is this Kaiba?"
"No, Isis says that's my last name," said Seto, catching the part about his last name, but Joey couldn't understand him considering he was still speaking ancient Egyptian.
"I definitely heard the name Isis," said Joey.
"Isis, this person sounds ugly," said Seto, and Isis took the phone from him.
"Who am I speaking to?" she asked.
"Isis, it is you! This is Joey." Isis covered the mouthpiece.
"You called Joey Wheeler?!" she asked Seto. Seto shrugged.
"Okay, whatever, Joey, I have to go, bye," said Isis quickly, and hung up before Joey could even say a goodbye, "Now, out of the booth!" She and Seto got out.
"Isis, are you angry?" asked Seto.
"No, but now, we are going to go to the store, buy a few things that I need, and then we are going home. You will stay there until you're sane again, and then you'll go back to living in the streets. Understood?" asked Isis. Seto nodded vigorously.
"Good." They entered a nearby store. It was a department store, and they had to go on the elevator. The Priest was bursting with questions again.
"What's that?"
"It's a button, Seto."
"What's it do?"
"You press it and it takes you somewhere. Now enough with the brain dead questions!" They were beginning to receive strange looks from the people in the elevator.
"Aren't you Seto Kaiba?" a woman asked. Seto stared at her.
"No," said Isis quickly, "he's from out of town."
"But I could've sworn he was Seto Kaiba. He looks exactly like him. Except for the ugly clothes, of course," the woman said.
"Well, he's not Seto Kaiba."
"Okay," said the woman, clearly not believing a word Isis had just said.
Three stores and 199 questions later, Isis, Mokuba, and Seto were entering her limousine. Seto had more questions to ask.
"How does-" Isis put her hand over his mouth.
"You utter one word and I will make you rue the day you were born, I promise you that, Priest!" Seto immediately shut up. Isis settled into a seat, placing Mokuba in between her and Seto. In about twenty minutes, they had reached the Ishtar household.
"There's something you should know, Priest," began Isis, "See, my brother, he doesn't really have manners and it's very likely that he won't be dressed very.appropriately." Seto was a bit confused by Isis' warning. Isis rang the doorbell and Malik, thankfully, was wearing more than just boxers and a t-shirt. But he happened to be holding a beer bottle in his hand.
"Malik! How many times do I have to tell you that while I'm alive, you may not use mom's license to go and buy alcohol! Really! And why are you still in your pajamas?" screamed Isis.
"Because it's seven-thirty in the morning! Dang, Isis! Who annoyed you that badly?!" asked Malik. He had, apparently, not noticed Seto.
"Never mind that! Who gave you permission to drink beer at seven- thirty in the morning?! You're lucky that I let you in the house this morning!" shrieked Isis.
"What? I wasn't drunk, and that's why you let me in. Besides, who will I ask permission from? Our parents' ashes?" asked Malik.
"Me, you moron! You know what, just get out of my sight for a while," said Isis, and Malik did as he was told. It's a good thing he was sleepy, because he still hadn't noticed Seto.
"Mokuba, can you go make breakfast?" asked Isis.
"Sure! What do you want?"
"You can't make anything other than pancakes," said Isis. Mokuba went into the kitchen, and Seto looked at her quizzically.
"Pancakes? What means this?" he asked.
"Forget the pancakes. Now, you need to change your clothes. Looks like you're going to have to wear Malik's clothing," Isis said, shuddering at the thought of Seto in a lavender shirt.
She tip toed into Malik's room. Malik was sleeping on the floor, snoring louder than usual. He had apparently not made it to the bed. Unfortunately for Seto, he was blocking the closet. Isis would either have to wake him up, which she definitely wasn't planning on doing, or she would have to wait until he woke up and left the room. But as she began to quietly leave the room, the lunatic woke up.
"Isis?" he murmured sleepily. He looked around, and spotted Seto.
"Okay, what the hell is he doing here?!" Malik screamed. Seto waved to him.
"Hello." Malik stared at him. It was true that his ancient Egyptian was rusty, but he could still understand Seto.
"Isis, since when does he know how to speak ancient Egyptian?" asked Malik.
"Since you hit him over the head with a lamp," said Isis calmly.
"Oh, oops." said Malik. Isis faked a laugh.
"Well, he's not sleeping in your room!" said Malik defensively. Isis was about to respond, but then she reconsidered. Why not mess with her insane brother's already damaged head?
"And why not?" she asked.
"Because-because-because-you know!" Malik stuttered.
"No, I don't," said Isis.
"Isis! You may not-"
"Hi!" said Mokuba, breaking into the conversation.
"Do I smell pancakes?" asked Malik. Without even waiting for an answer, he ran downstairs.
"Well, that was easy enough," said Isis, "Now, let's see. Here's the cloak, he has about ten, a shirt, and pants. There you go, Seto!" She handed the clothing to Seto. He looked from her to the clothing.
"What do I do with this?" he asked, indicating the pants and the shirt.
"You put it on," said Isis.
"Oh." Isis and Mokuba left the room and rushed downstairs, the smell of the pancakes being too strong for them. Half an hour later, after they had finished eating, Seto came downstairs. The only thing that was on properly was the cloak. The shirt was on backwards, and the pants were inside out. Isis sighed, but she wasn't about to say anything. Malik had a different idea about whether or not he should talk.
"THOSE ARE MY CLOTHES, PRIEST! GET THEM OFF OR YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!" he screamed. Then he thought about what he just said.
"You know what? You can keep them. You've already worn them, I don't want them back now." Seto stared at him. "Well you can't expect me to say it in ancient Egyptian!" Seto continued to stare.
The doorbell rang, and Isis frantically said, "Go upstairs and hide in a closet."
"But-"
"Now!" Seto ran upstairs, and Isis opened the door. It turned out to be one of her colleagues.
"Hello, Ms. Ishtar," he said.
"Yeah, what do you want?" she asked. He looked at her, surprised.
"Well, I was wondering if you finished that composition on the connection between Ancient Egypt and that new game."
"Yes, hold on a second." Isis walked upstairs, but before she reached her own room, she heard odd noises coming from Malik's. Isis walked into the room, and found it turned upside down. And then she saw Seto.
"What are you doing?"
"The Millennium Rod! I sensed it! It's in here, somewhere. Help me find it!" he said, going through Malik's drawers.
"Isis, hurry up!" Mokuba called from downstairs.
"Oh, fine. Listen to me very carefully. You will sit down and not touch anything. I have someone here, and when they leave you'll be able to come downstairs. Okay?"
"Okay." But when Isis went to retrieve her composition, Seto continued to look for it, but quietly.
"Here," said Isis, handing her colleague the composition.
"Thanks, yeah. Isis, I was sort of wondering, are you free tonight?"
"No," said Isis.
"Oh, because I was planning on going to this expensive restaurant and I need someone to go with me.and I thought maybe I could-"
"No," Isis repeated.
"Oh," he said, looking down, "Bye then." Isis closed the door and sank to the ground near the coffee table. Then she proceeded to bang her head against the coffee table. Malik pulled her away.
"As much as I enjoy seeing that, you need to stop," said Malik.
"Seto, haul your ancient Egyptian carcass over here!" Isis called. Seto came downstairs, clutching the Rod.
"You give him my clothes and my Millennium Item?!" screamed Malik. Isis sat on the couch.
"How about this? You and Priestess over there can settle this on your own, and I'll rest," said Isis. She turned up the tv to drown out their voices.
"Give me my Rod!" screamed Malik, attempting to speak ancient Egyptian.
"How dare you call me a monkey?" asked Seto.
"Give me my Rod!"
"Stop calling me a monkey!"
"Forget this!" Malik grabbed the Rod from Seto and hit him over the head with it. Seto collapsed.
"It is mine again!" screamed Malik triumphantly.
"He sure is stupid, huh Isis?" asked Mokuba. Isis nodded. Then she walked over to Seto and spilled water on his head. Seto began to choke and woke up.
"What the hell was that for?" he asked in English.
"Listen Priest-"
"What? What language are you speaking in?" asked Seto.
"Wait, you can speak English?" asked Isis, also in English.
"No kidding." Isis glared at Seto and told him everything that had happened. Seto stared in awe.
"I did that?"
"No kidding," said Isis, "and now that you're sane, you can go live outside again!"
"One question. What in the name of Duel Monsters am I wearing?" asked Seto.
"Don't dis the outfit, man!" said Malik.
"Quit trying to speak 'modernly.' It's really beginning to get irritating," said Isis.
"Yay, more bickering!" squealed Mokuba, and ran to get some popcorn. Seto didn't stick around and left before Mokuba came back.
In about an hour, Seto had reached the Kaiba Corp building. His plan was to break into his old private safe located in his office. His only hope was that the combination hadn't been changed.
As he approached the building, he saw people with parachutes falling from the top. It took him about a minute to realize what they were doing. Yami and the rest of the morons were bungee jumping off the building!
Seto watched as something happened to Yami's backpack and the parachute didn't work. He fell to the ground with a sickening crash. Oh great, Yami Bakura will be swarming here any minute, thought Seto.
"Hey Malik, why aren't you jumping with them?" asked Yami Bakura, who had appeared next to Seto. Seto had the hood on, so no one could tell it was him. Not even Yami Bakura.
"What a shame that a yami's blood is invisible and tastes like water, otherwise I would be there. They can't die, either, but they can feel pain," said Yami Bakura. (A/N: For those of you who have read Dark Shadows' stories, this idea was originally mine so I'm not stealing anything.)
Seto put his hand over his mouth to muffle the noise and asked, "What's wrong with water?"
"Come Malik, you know me better than that! Water doesn't have that penny taste that I crave!" he said. This conversation was sickening, and Seto began to walk toward the group of people, making it seem like he was approaching them rather than the building. He entered it and began to climb the steps leading to the floor with his office. Why did I have to make my office be on the top floor? He thought, mentally kicking himself. When he reached the office, he got in and had to rest for a while.
"This thing better have the same combination! I climbed 120 flights of stairs for this!" Seto pulled back his hood because he was suffocating and tried the combination, which was 24, 32, and 37. But without a doubt, the combination had been changed.
"Stupid damn safe!" screamed Seto, banging on it with his fists. This attracted the attention of a guard, who entered the office.
"Is everything all right, Mr. Mutou?" But he caught his breath when he saw who he was addressing.
"Mr. Kaiba?" he asked in awe, "What are you doing here?" Seto cursed under his breath.
* * *
JK: That was too long! I hope you didn't get too tired reading it!
Seto: Is this the beginning of my so-called revenge?
JK: Er.sort of?
Seto: You mean I have to suffer more?!
JK: You didn't work for him yet.
Seto: Oh, just kill me now.
Yami Bakura: Ok-
JK: Shut it, Yami Bakura!
(Dark Shadows picks up a mallet.)
JK: What?
Dark Shadows: People that bother me are often hurt very badly. (Dark Shadows is about to hit JK but she uses Yami as a "human" shield.)
Dark Shadows: Oh well.
Seto: More revenge!
JK: Okay, please review! I'll continue once I get four reviews!
JK: Hi! I've actually found some extra time on my hands.
Seto: Oh, and is that supposed to make me happy?
JK: No, but it might make other people happy.
Yami: Like me!
JK: Okay, now to continue with the story-
Yugi: I know a story! I know a story!
JK: Okay, Yugi, tell us a story.
Yugi: There were once three bears and they made porridge-
JK: Uh, no, Yugi.
Yami: I have one! Long ago, when the pyramids were still young, Egyptian kings played a game of great and terrible power. But the shadow games soon erupted into a war that threatened to destroy the entire world. Until a brave and powerful Pharaoh- that's me, by the way- locked the magic away.Imprisoning it within the mystical Millennium Items. Now, five thousand years later, a boy named Yugi unlocks the secret of the Millennium Puzzle- it took the runt like five years! He is infused with ancient magical energies-MY ancient magical energies-for destiny has chosen him to defend the world from the return of the shadow games just as the brave Pharaoh- yup, me the brave Pharaoh whose glory is hogged by the puny idiot- did five thousand years ago.
(He looks around and finds everyone asleep.)
Yami: Weren't you all listening?!
Seto: No, but I have a story. A nice and short story.
JK: Okay Seto, entertain us.
Seto: Tea walked into a shop where they sold mirrors. The shop closed down.
(Everyone, except Tea, begins to laugh.)
Yami: I have to admit that was good!
Dark Shadows (a friend of mine): Yay Yami! (She glomps Yami.)
JK: Malik, you rock! (High fives Malik.)
Malik: I know. (kisses Millennium Rod)
(JK sighs and Dark shadows comes out of her trance.)
Dark shadows: Hey! I like Seto! (glomps Seto)
Seto: Ouch! You're worse than Tea!
Dark Shadows (after gasping): How dare you compare me to her?!
Seto: It's easier than it looks.
JK: He has a point.
Yami: Definitely.
(Dark Shadows glares at JK.)
JK: Sorry, but I just had to!
Seto: Can we start this thing? I don't like the way your friend is looking at me.
JK (snickering): You must be very afraid of her, considering you'd rather be poor than face her.
Seto: I knew it! Your presence brings despair!
Yami: For you, anyway.
Mokuba: Do Seto and Isis get married?
JK (calmly), Seto and Isis (not exactly calmly): No!
Mokuba (sadly): Oh.
Dark Shadows: And that's because Seto will marry me! See? Here's the engagement ring! (shows her hand which, by the way, has no ring on it)
JK: Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
Seto: Besides, I would rather marry Is- scratch that.
Isis: You conceited jerk!
JK: Here we go again. Anyway, for a new twist, Dark shadows can do the disclaimer.
Dark Shadows: No!
(Malik holds up the Millennium Rod.)
Dark Shadows: I mean, of course. JK doesn't own anything.
JK: Yes I do. I own clothes and Duel Monsters cards and-
Seto: And this miserable plotline.
JK: That too.
Seto: But you don't own us.
JK: That too.
* * *
Seto had no clue what had happened to him. The only thing he was aware of was the throbbing headache that engulfed his senses. He looked at his surroundings. Oh, yeah, sure, wonderful, he thought, finding himself lying in a pile of garbage.
"Why am I forced to endure this?!" he screamed. Luckily, no one was around to hear him conversing with himself. Seto got up, and stood as long as pain would permit him. Then he collapsed.
"Oh, man. I feel like I got hit by a truck," he said to himself.
"No, it was actually Malik," said a voice. Seto turned to find Isis Ishtar, standing and smiling.
"Isis, you do care!" said Seto. Isis turned red, but not from embarrassment.
"You better watch what you say, Kaiba! Or else I'll add another bruise to that empty head of yours!" she screamed.
"Oh," said Seto, embarrassed because of his mistake. What can I say? Getting hit in the head with a lamp can make people do strange things. But then the smug and vain Seto returned.
"Oh, really? You don't care? Then explain to me what exactly you want to do in an alley way at this time in the morning," said Seto. Isis didn't even respond. She just looked Seto in the eye, and allowed Mokuba to do her work for her. He emerged from behind her, and squealed.
"Seto! Seto! Seto!" Mokuba jumped onto his brother.
"Ow," was the only thing Seto could manage to say.
"To put it shortly, Kaiba, the only reason that I'm here is because Mokuba was worried about you and asked me to see how you were," said Isis, indicating the Millennium Tauk. (A/N: Also known as the Millennium Necklace in the dubbed.)
"Ooooooo! Is that gold?" asked Seto, looking a little dazed.
"Excuse me?"
"Is that gold?" he repeated.
"Er.yeah."
"How much could I sell it for if I jumped you, do you think?" said Seto. Yes, the after effects of getting hit in the head by a heavy lamp are quite harsh.
"Seto, what in the name of Ra is wrong with you?" asked Isis.
"Who's Seto, by the way?" asked Seto. Isis face faulted.
"You're Seto, silly!" said Mokuba.
"Okay. And who are you?" he asked.
"Mokuba, your brother."
"That's funny, I don't seem to remember you," said Seto thoughtfully, "Oh, nice place. Do you live here?"
"No, but you do."
"Really? I deserve better than this, I daresay," said Seto. Isis found herself in a very delicate predicament.
"Excuse me? Can you please tell me about yourself?" she asked.
"Well, I was born on-oh! What odd clothing! They don't have this where I come from. Anyway, I am a priest. It's a very important job. I am forced to feed human sacrifices to the Blue Eyes White Dragon. It's actually fun. I used to be the Pharaoh's closest adviser, but he was a dung brain so I gave that up. I like annoying the Pharaoh by stealing all of his- "
"Never mind about that!" said Isis quickly, not wanting Mokuba to get any ideas, "Now, what did you say your name was?"
"You know, I can't remember! It seems like it's been five thousand years since I last used it. I also like Shadow Games. I love the way people scream when they lose! Someone might go so far as to call me malicious. And also-"Seto cut himself off, noticing Isis' Millennium Item.
"Can it be?! It's the Millennium Tauk! How can a mortal such as you possess one? Though, I must admit, you are a good looking mortal. Answer the question, peasant!" said Priest Seto. Isis resisted the urge to punch him.
"Fate," she said.
"Oh, well what a coincidence! I happen to possess an item as well. The Millennium Rod. Now," he said, searching for the Rod. But as he continued to look, one thing was becoming very clear to him.
"Well?" asked Isis, smirking.
"BY RA! I'VE BEEN ROBBED!" screamed Seto. Isis wasn't at all surprised.
"What a shame," she said, putting on a look of compassion. But really, she couldn't be happier.
"We must find it! That Rod means more than the world to me! It means more than life itself! I need that item! I was planning on having it placed in my tomb upon my death!" panicked Seto.
"It means more than me?" asked Mokuba, starting to cry.
"Of course, insolent human!" said Seto, frantically digging through garbage. But then he found something that made him forget about the Rod entirely.
"Oooooooooo! What's this?" he asked, indicating a telephone.
"That's called a phone," said Isis, sighing.
"What's it do?" asked Seto curiously.
"Never mind that!" Isis snapped. She grabbed Mokuba's hand, and began to walk away. But Mokuba grabbed Seto's hand, dragging him along. Isis grimaced. How long would she be forced to endure this?
Priest Seto was making quite a few observations, and asking annoying questions at the same time.
"Wow, look at that! Why is it moving so fast? Oh, what's this hard substance that we are walking upon? What does that say? I cannot understand it. Why do you people dress so strange? Except for you, everyone has no fashion sense! Oh Ra! It's a metal bird in the sky!" That was about a quarter of what he said. And gradually, he was becoming very hard to understand. Seto was forgetting English! (A/N: I know that they speak Japanese, but for the sake of this story, they speak English!) Isis, being an archaeologist, could understand his ancient Egyptian speech, but Mokuba, and everyone else around them, was looking very confused.
"Priest, can you please shut up?" asked Isis in ancient Egyptian.
"Now I can understand you!" said Seto. (A/N: Please note that whenever Isis is talking to Seto, it will be in ancient Egyptian but when she talks to everyone else, it will be in English.)
Seto's stupidity had not ended. He found his curiosity dragging him toward the street, and he ran in front of a city bus. The driver swerved around just an inch from Seto, crashing into a tree.
"You $^%&@! Now I'm going to get fired! What the @*$% are you doing on the road, you &^#? Get the *%^$ away from here!" cursed the bus driver. Seto stared in awe.
"What beautiful words he's using, Isis!" said Seto, recording in Ancient Egyptian the way they sound.
"Er, Priest? He's cursing you out," said Isis, interested to see what he would do.
"Seriously? Okay, that's it!" said Seto. Then he began to speak a long string of ancient Egyptian curses. Isis stared, wide-eyed. She had only heard words such as these from Yami Bakura, and at one time from Yami when Yugi lost the hair gel. Isis shuddered, remembering.
"Priest, let's go," she said, tugging at his arm. Seto looked at her, and blushed.
"I didn't catch your name," said Seto. Oh great, thought Isis, now he's trying to make a move on me. This kid doesn't quit.
"My name is Isis." Seto's mouth dropped and if the laws of human body structure hadn't prevented it, his mouth would have made a dent in the pavement. Seto got to his knees and started to hail Isis. Isis looked nervously from side to side, as if looking for a place to hide.
"I am very sorry for the foul language I have used in your presence, my Queen. Forgive me," said Seto. Do I have to say it? Isis was greatly enjoying herself. But to make it seem as if a great Egyptian goddess hadn't forgiven him, she said nothing.
"Um, as punishment, you may force me to sing for the Pharaoh, my Queen. Or another unpleasant task," said Seto nervously.
"I may do whatever I wish," said Isis, "But Priest, I have a confession to make. I'm not a goddess; I'm just named after one."
"Oh," said Seto, getting to his feet and attempting to brush off the dirt.
"This *beep* dirt isn't coming off!" he screamed.
"Kaiba!" warned Isis.
"Who's Kaiba?"
"That's your last name," she said airily.
"I have two names?!" asked Seto, "What a strange place this is."
"Priest, can we just go?" asked Isis.
"Wherever you lead me, Isis." Isis stared at Seto. For a second time, she had to resist the urge to hit him.
"Isis," said Mokuba uncertainly, tugging at her hand, "Why is Seto acting like a moron? I mean, he hasn't said a normal word in twenty minutes." Isis stared at Mokuba, surprised at his sudden change in attitude. I guess this is how he's usually like, when Seto is sane and with him, she thought.
"Well, Mokuba, when Malik hit him over the head, he seemed to have damaged Seto's brain. But I don't think it's irreversible. Seto thinks he's an ancient Egyptian priest, like he was in his past lifetime. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Isis explained.
"Duh! What do you think I am, some immature little brat?" Isis chose not to answer this. She turned around, and saw that the infamous priest had disappeared.
"Oh, crap," she said. She began to walk around, searching for the former power-crazy millionaire who was now reduced to a brain damaged bum.
"Isis!" Seto called from a phone booth, "It's that frone thing you were telling me about!" Isis, against her own will, walked into the phone booth.
"Okay, we better be going!" she said.
"But how does it work?"
"Okay, you take this. It's called a quarter, and it's a form of payment. You put it into the slot right there. Then you pick up the phone and press those buttons. Then it rings, and a person answers. Try it."
"You mean there are people in that thing?!" asked Seto incredulously.
"No! This phone connects to other phones that other people have! The person hears their phone ringing, and they answer it. In this way, you can talk to them," said Isis very slowly.
"Oh! So why am I paying the phone?" asked Seto. Isis shot him an unpleasant look, so he just took the quarter from her and inserted it into the slot. Then the genius chose to dial 911.
"Hello, what is your emergency?" asked a woman on the line.
"Hi!" said Seto, still in ancient Egyptian.
"What is your emergency?" the woman repeated.
"You know, I wish I understood you," said Seto.
"Do you have a freaking emergency or not?"
"Um, are you mad?" asked Seto.
"What language do you speak? Latin or something?" asked the woman.
"Don't you insult me like that!" said Seto, thinking she was cursing at him. The woman simply saved herself the trouble and hung up.
"That was fun, Isis!" said Seto, "Can I have another corder?"
"It's quarter, and yes, here," she said. Seto put it in the slot and dialed a number. The line was busy.
"Isis! I think the phone is mad at me!" said Seto worriedly, "It sounds odd."
"The line is busy," said Isis, "meaning that the person is already talking to someone and you have to call again later."
"Oh, can I have another quarter?"
"Last time." Seto put the quarter in and again began to dial.
"Whadaya want?" asked the person on the other end.
"You sound odd," said Seto.
"Who is this, callin' me at 6 o'clock in the morning on a freakin' Sunday?" Needless to say, it was Joey.
"Sunday?" Seto asked.
"Wait, is this Kaiba?"
"No, Isis says that's my last name," said Seto, catching the part about his last name, but Joey couldn't understand him considering he was still speaking ancient Egyptian.
"I definitely heard the name Isis," said Joey.
"Isis, this person sounds ugly," said Seto, and Isis took the phone from him.
"Who am I speaking to?" she asked.
"Isis, it is you! This is Joey." Isis covered the mouthpiece.
"You called Joey Wheeler?!" she asked Seto. Seto shrugged.
"Okay, whatever, Joey, I have to go, bye," said Isis quickly, and hung up before Joey could even say a goodbye, "Now, out of the booth!" She and Seto got out.
"Isis, are you angry?" asked Seto.
"No, but now, we are going to go to the store, buy a few things that I need, and then we are going home. You will stay there until you're sane again, and then you'll go back to living in the streets. Understood?" asked Isis. Seto nodded vigorously.
"Good." They entered a nearby store. It was a department store, and they had to go on the elevator. The Priest was bursting with questions again.
"What's that?"
"It's a button, Seto."
"What's it do?"
"You press it and it takes you somewhere. Now enough with the brain dead questions!" They were beginning to receive strange looks from the people in the elevator.
"Aren't you Seto Kaiba?" a woman asked. Seto stared at her.
"No," said Isis quickly, "he's from out of town."
"But I could've sworn he was Seto Kaiba. He looks exactly like him. Except for the ugly clothes, of course," the woman said.
"Well, he's not Seto Kaiba."
"Okay," said the woman, clearly not believing a word Isis had just said.
Three stores and 199 questions later, Isis, Mokuba, and Seto were entering her limousine. Seto had more questions to ask.
"How does-" Isis put her hand over his mouth.
"You utter one word and I will make you rue the day you were born, I promise you that, Priest!" Seto immediately shut up. Isis settled into a seat, placing Mokuba in between her and Seto. In about twenty minutes, they had reached the Ishtar household.
"There's something you should know, Priest," began Isis, "See, my brother, he doesn't really have manners and it's very likely that he won't be dressed very.appropriately." Seto was a bit confused by Isis' warning. Isis rang the doorbell and Malik, thankfully, was wearing more than just boxers and a t-shirt. But he happened to be holding a beer bottle in his hand.
"Malik! How many times do I have to tell you that while I'm alive, you may not use mom's license to go and buy alcohol! Really! And why are you still in your pajamas?" screamed Isis.
"Because it's seven-thirty in the morning! Dang, Isis! Who annoyed you that badly?!" asked Malik. He had, apparently, not noticed Seto.
"Never mind that! Who gave you permission to drink beer at seven- thirty in the morning?! You're lucky that I let you in the house this morning!" shrieked Isis.
"What? I wasn't drunk, and that's why you let me in. Besides, who will I ask permission from? Our parents' ashes?" asked Malik.
"Me, you moron! You know what, just get out of my sight for a while," said Isis, and Malik did as he was told. It's a good thing he was sleepy, because he still hadn't noticed Seto.
"Mokuba, can you go make breakfast?" asked Isis.
"Sure! What do you want?"
"You can't make anything other than pancakes," said Isis. Mokuba went into the kitchen, and Seto looked at her quizzically.
"Pancakes? What means this?" he asked.
"Forget the pancakes. Now, you need to change your clothes. Looks like you're going to have to wear Malik's clothing," Isis said, shuddering at the thought of Seto in a lavender shirt.
She tip toed into Malik's room. Malik was sleeping on the floor, snoring louder than usual. He had apparently not made it to the bed. Unfortunately for Seto, he was blocking the closet. Isis would either have to wake him up, which she definitely wasn't planning on doing, or she would have to wait until he woke up and left the room. But as she began to quietly leave the room, the lunatic woke up.
"Isis?" he murmured sleepily. He looked around, and spotted Seto.
"Okay, what the hell is he doing here?!" Malik screamed. Seto waved to him.
"Hello." Malik stared at him. It was true that his ancient Egyptian was rusty, but he could still understand Seto.
"Isis, since when does he know how to speak ancient Egyptian?" asked Malik.
"Since you hit him over the head with a lamp," said Isis calmly.
"Oh, oops." said Malik. Isis faked a laugh.
"Well, he's not sleeping in your room!" said Malik defensively. Isis was about to respond, but then she reconsidered. Why not mess with her insane brother's already damaged head?
"And why not?" she asked.
"Because-because-because-you know!" Malik stuttered.
"No, I don't," said Isis.
"Isis! You may not-"
"Hi!" said Mokuba, breaking into the conversation.
"Do I smell pancakes?" asked Malik. Without even waiting for an answer, he ran downstairs.
"Well, that was easy enough," said Isis, "Now, let's see. Here's the cloak, he has about ten, a shirt, and pants. There you go, Seto!" She handed the clothing to Seto. He looked from her to the clothing.
"What do I do with this?" he asked, indicating the pants and the shirt.
"You put it on," said Isis.
"Oh." Isis and Mokuba left the room and rushed downstairs, the smell of the pancakes being too strong for them. Half an hour later, after they had finished eating, Seto came downstairs. The only thing that was on properly was the cloak. The shirt was on backwards, and the pants were inside out. Isis sighed, but she wasn't about to say anything. Malik had a different idea about whether or not he should talk.
"THOSE ARE MY CLOTHES, PRIEST! GET THEM OFF OR YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!" he screamed. Then he thought about what he just said.
"You know what? You can keep them. You've already worn them, I don't want them back now." Seto stared at him. "Well you can't expect me to say it in ancient Egyptian!" Seto continued to stare.
The doorbell rang, and Isis frantically said, "Go upstairs and hide in a closet."
"But-"
"Now!" Seto ran upstairs, and Isis opened the door. It turned out to be one of her colleagues.
"Hello, Ms. Ishtar," he said.
"Yeah, what do you want?" she asked. He looked at her, surprised.
"Well, I was wondering if you finished that composition on the connection between Ancient Egypt and that new game."
"Yes, hold on a second." Isis walked upstairs, but before she reached her own room, she heard odd noises coming from Malik's. Isis walked into the room, and found it turned upside down. And then she saw Seto.
"What are you doing?"
"The Millennium Rod! I sensed it! It's in here, somewhere. Help me find it!" he said, going through Malik's drawers.
"Isis, hurry up!" Mokuba called from downstairs.
"Oh, fine. Listen to me very carefully. You will sit down and not touch anything. I have someone here, and when they leave you'll be able to come downstairs. Okay?"
"Okay." But when Isis went to retrieve her composition, Seto continued to look for it, but quietly.
"Here," said Isis, handing her colleague the composition.
"Thanks, yeah. Isis, I was sort of wondering, are you free tonight?"
"No," said Isis.
"Oh, because I was planning on going to this expensive restaurant and I need someone to go with me.and I thought maybe I could-"
"No," Isis repeated.
"Oh," he said, looking down, "Bye then." Isis closed the door and sank to the ground near the coffee table. Then she proceeded to bang her head against the coffee table. Malik pulled her away.
"As much as I enjoy seeing that, you need to stop," said Malik.
"Seto, haul your ancient Egyptian carcass over here!" Isis called. Seto came downstairs, clutching the Rod.
"You give him my clothes and my Millennium Item?!" screamed Malik. Isis sat on the couch.
"How about this? You and Priestess over there can settle this on your own, and I'll rest," said Isis. She turned up the tv to drown out their voices.
"Give me my Rod!" screamed Malik, attempting to speak ancient Egyptian.
"How dare you call me a monkey?" asked Seto.
"Give me my Rod!"
"Stop calling me a monkey!"
"Forget this!" Malik grabbed the Rod from Seto and hit him over the head with it. Seto collapsed.
"It is mine again!" screamed Malik triumphantly.
"He sure is stupid, huh Isis?" asked Mokuba. Isis nodded. Then she walked over to Seto and spilled water on his head. Seto began to choke and woke up.
"What the hell was that for?" he asked in English.
"Listen Priest-"
"What? What language are you speaking in?" asked Seto.
"Wait, you can speak English?" asked Isis, also in English.
"No kidding." Isis glared at Seto and told him everything that had happened. Seto stared in awe.
"I did that?"
"No kidding," said Isis, "and now that you're sane, you can go live outside again!"
"One question. What in the name of Duel Monsters am I wearing?" asked Seto.
"Don't dis the outfit, man!" said Malik.
"Quit trying to speak 'modernly.' It's really beginning to get irritating," said Isis.
"Yay, more bickering!" squealed Mokuba, and ran to get some popcorn. Seto didn't stick around and left before Mokuba came back.
In about an hour, Seto had reached the Kaiba Corp building. His plan was to break into his old private safe located in his office. His only hope was that the combination hadn't been changed.
As he approached the building, he saw people with parachutes falling from the top. It took him about a minute to realize what they were doing. Yami and the rest of the morons were bungee jumping off the building!
Seto watched as something happened to Yami's backpack and the parachute didn't work. He fell to the ground with a sickening crash. Oh great, Yami Bakura will be swarming here any minute, thought Seto.
"Hey Malik, why aren't you jumping with them?" asked Yami Bakura, who had appeared next to Seto. Seto had the hood on, so no one could tell it was him. Not even Yami Bakura.
"What a shame that a yami's blood is invisible and tastes like water, otherwise I would be there. They can't die, either, but they can feel pain," said Yami Bakura. (A/N: For those of you who have read Dark Shadows' stories, this idea was originally mine so I'm not stealing anything.)
Seto put his hand over his mouth to muffle the noise and asked, "What's wrong with water?"
"Come Malik, you know me better than that! Water doesn't have that penny taste that I crave!" he said. This conversation was sickening, and Seto began to walk toward the group of people, making it seem like he was approaching them rather than the building. He entered it and began to climb the steps leading to the floor with his office. Why did I have to make my office be on the top floor? He thought, mentally kicking himself. When he reached the office, he got in and had to rest for a while.
"This thing better have the same combination! I climbed 120 flights of stairs for this!" Seto pulled back his hood because he was suffocating and tried the combination, which was 24, 32, and 37. But without a doubt, the combination had been changed.
"Stupid damn safe!" screamed Seto, banging on it with his fists. This attracted the attention of a guard, who entered the office.
"Is everything all right, Mr. Mutou?" But he caught his breath when he saw who he was addressing.
"Mr. Kaiba?" he asked in awe, "What are you doing here?" Seto cursed under his breath.
* * *
JK: That was too long! I hope you didn't get too tired reading it!
Seto: Is this the beginning of my so-called revenge?
JK: Er.sort of?
Seto: You mean I have to suffer more?!
JK: You didn't work for him yet.
Seto: Oh, just kill me now.
Yami Bakura: Ok-
JK: Shut it, Yami Bakura!
(Dark Shadows picks up a mallet.)
JK: What?
Dark Shadows: People that bother me are often hurt very badly. (Dark Shadows is about to hit JK but she uses Yami as a "human" shield.)
Dark Shadows: Oh well.
Seto: More revenge!
JK: Okay, please review! I'll continue once I get four reviews!