Broke!-Chapter 8: A New Resident at the Ishtar Household
JK: So I am finally going to continue!
(Seto begins to bang his head against a wall.)
JK: What's your problem now?
Seto: Well, to put it in short terms, I do not like the way the title sounds!
JK: What makes you think the title has anything to do with you?
Seto: Because I'm the main character.
JK: You don't get to gloat because I torture you. It's supposed to be all affliction, all the time.
Seto: You didn't torture me for a month and now you're back? Why? Why?!
JK: Hey, you better thank my computer for the fact that I didn't torture you for a month. It seems that the stupid piece of junk decided to crash completely. So I had to reinstall my hard drive. But it's working now…
Seto: Good for you.
Dark Shadows (to Seto): But bad for you!
Seto: GET AWAY FROM ME!
Dark Shadows: Get over yourself, Seto. I don't like you.
JK: Yeah, she likes Yami. Or is it Malik?
Dark Shadows: Maliky-poo all the way!
Malik: I think you're going to be writing about my suicidal act soon…only it won't be fiction.
JK: How melodramatic. Malik, you're vital to the plot so if you commit suicide, I will give the Rod to Seto.
Isis: No, don't discourage him!
Dark Shadows: Anyways… (glomps Malik) My bishie!
JK: You do know that the word bishie literally means a boy who is more pretty than handsome.
Dark Shadows: Yeah, the perfect description for Malik. Right Malik?
Malik: Erm…no.
Dark Shadows: No, seriously, who does your nails?
Malik (sarcastically): Yami Bakura.
Dark Shadows: Ah, so you get together to do eachother's nails? How…
JK: Girly. But you are both bishies. Hey, wait, where's Seto?!
(During all the controversy over Malik, Seto had snuck away.)
Malik (in an annoying sing-song voice): I know where he went.
JK (picking up Millennium Rod): Really, Malik? Now, where did Seto-weto go?
Malik: I'm not afraid of you. The Rod only works for me and would never work against me.
JK: Who said I was going to control your mind?
Malik: You can't use it as a weapon, either. The Rod works for only me.
JK: Who said I was going to use the Rod at all?
Dark Shadows: Oh no. Malik, when she looks like that, you know someone is going to be very sad, very soon.
Malik: You can't do anything to it.
JK: Oh, really? Hey Malik, did you ever learn the happy little fact that gold melts?
Malik: It does?!
JK: You mean you don't know? Every kindergartener knows that! What do they teach you in high school?
Malik: Who goes to school? It's such a waste of time.
Isis: Well, actually, it's just that no one let him anywhere near a high school ever since he blew up my principal's chair.
Malik: And you had to squeal on me, didn't you? You didn't even know it was me!
Isis: Malik, let's just say I know you were the only person deranged enough to do that.
Malik: What about that guy you used to go out with?
Isis: Malik, shut up.
Malik: Hey he had bombs stashed at his house.
Isis: Those were his younger sister's who was your age, remember?
Malik: Isis, shut up.
Isis: And you asked her to walk to school with you and she said no…and then you spent half the day crying.
Malik: I NEVER CRIED IN MY LIFE!
Isis: Excuse me? What about the time when you were getting the Pharaoh's memory tattooed on your back? (puts on a high pitched voice) MOMMY, SHARP THINGY! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!
Malik: Well, if it happened to you, I doubt that you wouldn't have cried. It hurt like hell!
Isis: Sometimes I wish I was born a boy, because mom and dad wouldn't have had to have you and my life would've been so much happier. Plus, there wouldn't be some insane freak running around screaming about "prey" and "the hunt."
Malik: I never said that!
Isis: Would you like me to quote?
Malik: Oh, forget it.
JK: So, who's got the matches?
(Seto returns, not being able to resist watching Malik be tormented.)
Seto: I do! (hands JK matches)
JK: Okay, my task is completed.
Seto: You didn't burn the Rod…
JK: You actually fell for that? I was bluffing so you'd come back. Some genius you turned out to be.
(Seto fumes.)
JK: Anyway, I still haven't stolen Yu-Gi-Oh, but a certain someone's grief will clue you in when I do. So there. I don't own anything. Prepare yourself for an extremely long update!
* * *
Seto pushed Isis out of the way and burst through the door. He ran into the living room, only to find it devoid of any human activity. Isis followed him in, rubbing her arm fervently. While Seto was looking around, she snuck up behind him and pushed him to the ground.
"If you ever push me again, Kaiba, I'll show you just how much like my younger brother I can be," she said icily. Seto decided not to test what little patience she had left.
"Where's Mokuba?" he asked as pleasantly as he could manage. And if you know Seto Kaiba, that's not very pleasantly. Before Isis could respond, a piece of plaster landed on Seto's head.
"My guess would be he's upstairs," said Isis, dashing to the staircase. Seto quickly got up and followed her.
"Whee! This is fun! Hey, Seto, wanna join me?" Mokuba asked happily as Seto and Isis entered the room he was in, which was Isis' bedroom. Mokuba was jumping on her bed and, judging by the creaking springs, for a very long time.
"What are you doing?" Isis asked, raising her voice over Mokuba's giggling.
"Jumping," Mokuba answered. He stopped for a moment. "I was just trying to grab the lamp. Malik says that's the only way I can turn it on and I can't play video games in the dark." He resumed jumping up and down. "Got it!" he said happily as he grabbed the lamp. Since the lamp was normal and couldn't support Mokuba's weight, he and the lamp fell of the bed with a sickening crash.
"Kaiba, I hope you know you're paying for that," said Isis, picking up the remains of her lamp. (A/N: By lamp I mean one of those hanging ones… but not like a chandelier.) "Hmm, and for my bed, too."
"How considerate of you, Isis. And what exactly will I pay you with?" asked Seto.
"That is not my problem," said Isis.
"Mokuba, are you all right?" Seto asked, deciding to ignore Isis.
"Yeah, I'm fine. It doesn't hurt anymore than the thorny bush under Isis' living room window," said Mokuba.
"What?" Seto asked.
"Though it did break my fall," said Mokuba.
"Don't tell me you tried flying again," said Seto.
"Okay, I won't." Seto shook his head.
"So you're okay?" Isis asked. Mokuba nodded. "So then you're free to go, Seto."
"I guess hospitality isn't one of the things Egyptians like to partake in," said Seto.
"Are you insulting my heritage, Kaiba?!" Isis snapped.
"No, I'm insulting you!" screamed Seto. Just then, Mokuba fell to the floor and clutched his stomach, moaning.
"Mokuba?" Seto asked. Mokuba continued moaning piteously.
"What's wrong?" Isis asked.
"You killed him. You killed my brother," Seto said in disbelief. Isis looked at him like he was insane,
"I did what?" Isis asked. Seto snapped out of his trance.
"Nothing. Mokuba, what's wrong?" Seto asked.
"My stomach hurts," said Mokuba, beginning to cry.
"Okay, so you didn't kill him. You poisoned him," said Seto. "Hey, I can sue and get some money!"
"KAIBA!" snapped Isis.
"Calm yourself, Isis, I'm not going to sue you. After all, the most money you could possibly give me would be about three bucks. Well, the equivalent of three bucks to me," said Seto. Isis refrained from exploding and strangling Seto. She seemed to be having to do that a lot lately.
"Why don't I just go find some medicine and you can stay here with Mokuba," said Isis, with as much calmness as she could muster.
"Fine," said Seto.
"Worked like a charm," said Mokuba as soon as Isis had left the room.
"What?" asked Seto.
"Well, she stopped kicking you out," said Mokuba, standing up.
"You mean you're fine?!" Seto asked, his anger mounting.
"Yeah," said Mokuba.
"Mokuba!" Seto screamed. "Do you have any idea how worried I just was?!"
"Not really," said Mokuba.
"Mokuba! I cannot believe you! After all I've been through over the past few days…" said Seto angrily.
"But now you have a place to live," said Mokuba.
"Why are you so manipulative all of a sudden?" Seto asked.
"I've been watching Malik torture his Rare Hunters. The way he talks is weird…" said Mokuba.
"In case you haven't noticed little brother, Malik talks weird and is weird all the time," said Seto. At that moment, Isis entered the room. She looked at Mokuba, and then decided it was explosion time.
"YOU MEAN YOU'RE FINE?!" she screamed.
"Yes," said Mokuba, hiding behind Seto.
"So, what exactly did you do here, completely unsupervised?" Seto asked.
"Well, first I ate Malik's cooking, then I made myself wings from paper and Isis' pillows, then I jumped off the roof and tried to fly, and then I watched tv, and then I jumped on Malik's bed (it broke by the way) and lastly, I jumped on Isis' bed and tried to turn on the light," said Mokuba.
"You tried flying again?!" Seto screamed.
"The bush broke my fall," said Mokuba. But Isis was more concerned with something else.
"You ate Malik's cooking? And you still alive?" she asked.
"Well, I watched him make it. He put milk, meat, salt, pepper, sugar, eggs, flour, baking soda, toothpaste, lemon juice, mango slices, and water in it," said Mokuba.
"And you survived that?" Isis asked. "I remember back when our parents were alive he tried cooking. Well, the first course made everyone puke, and the second course blew up the kitchen. I think he may have slipped a bomb in his specialty…"
"Oh, and he also added beer to the food," said Mokuba.
"He gave you alcohol?" Seto asked. "When I get my hands on him I'll—"
"Well, considering all the health food crap Seto made me eat, this was like a treat for me," said Mokuba.
"So now you curse too?!" Seto asked.
"Oh, come on. When you were ten you used words much worse than that," said Mokuba.
"Yes, but I was cursing at Gozaburo-baka. That's an exception," reasoned Seto.
"Anyway, Kaiba, I believe you were on your way to the door," said Isis. Mokuba looked at Isis like he was a beaten dog. "Oh no, just because Seto falls for the cute act doesn't mean I will."
"Please, Isis? I'll be good…" said Mokuba.
"Aren't you going to say anything, Seto?" Isis asked.
"No," Seto said coolly.
"Please? Pretty please with sugar on top and Malik rotting in a cave somewhere?" said Mokuba.
"Well, since you put it that way, fine. Seto can stay," said Isis. Mokuba squealed and jumped up and down happily. "But, there are certain rules in my household."
"Yeah, keep away from the insane one," said Seto.
"Stop talking about my brother and pay attention!" said Isis.
"Who said I was talking about Malik? I meant you," said Seto.
"Okay, the deal is off!" said Isis.
"He was kidding, right Seto?" asked Mokuba, looking at him meaningfully.
"No, I wasn't," said Seto. Isis glared at him.
"OUT!" she screamed.
"No, please let him stay, Isis. I'm sure he'll behave," said Mokuba.
"Fine. You can live in the basement," said Isis.
"But Malik has torture devices there!" said Mokuba.
"Okay. Seto, you can sleep on the couch," said Isis.
"But where's Malik going to sleep?" asked Mokuba.
"Doesn't Malik sleep in his room?" interjected Seto.
"No, I sleep there," said Mokuba.
"Oh, I have plans for my little brother," said Isis, and her eyes glinted maliciously.
"Oh no," said Mokuba.
"What?" Seto asked, very confused.
"I'm all out of popcorn!" said Mokuba sadly.
Meanwhile, the party was just beginning at "Yami's house".
"So, what else can we do, Yami?" Tea asked.
"How about we kick you out?" asked Yami Bakura.
"Don't be so mean!" said Tea.
"Shut the hell up! We're not here to talk about friendship! This is a party!" said Yami Bakura. "Why don't you go tend to your boyfriend?"
"But Yami's perfectly fine," said Tea.
"I meant the short one!"
"Oh." Tea looked at Yugi, who looked like he was having a seizure do to a severe case of hiccups.
"Aibou, I told you not to sip the vodka," said Yami.
"Bu—hic—it—hic—loo—hic—looked—hic—tas—hic—tasty!" said Yugi.
"Tasty? It's clear for Ra's sake!" said Malik.
"Maybe if you stand on your head in your underwear," suggested Tea.
"Tea—Yami doesn't have the hiccups; Yugi does," said Mai.
"Oh. Well, why don't we eat?" said Tea.
"Over my dead rotting corpse will that happen!" said Yami frantically.
"Don't tempt me, Pharaoh," said Malik. "And what's wrong with eating anyway?"
"The food's not ready," said Yami quickly. "I'll go see how things are coming along…"
Yami walked into the hallway and grabbed the phone. Now if I could only remember how to use this thing. He thought. Yami glanced at Seto's speed dial buttons. Hmm, a rich guy like him probably always orders out. It should be there. I always see Yugi press one of those buttons to call Joey, so I'm guessing they connect you to people who you talk to a lot. He pressed the first button.
"Hello?" someone asked.
"Hello, is this some food service place?" Yami asked.
"No, this is one of Mr. Kaiba's—I mean Mr. Mutou's secretaries. Sorry, I keep forgetting. How may I help you?" the woman said.
"Er…bye!" said Yami and hung up. He pressed the second button.
"Hi is this a restaurant or something?" asked Yami.
"No, this is an elementary school. How may I help you?" Yami hung up. This was proving much harder than he could have ever imagined. He skipped over to the last button.
"Ishtar residence, Mokuba speaking," someone picked up.
"What's that phone number doing on Seto's button thing?" Yami asked himself aloud.
"Who is this?" Mokuba asked.
"Um, Mokuba, I need your help. Do you know any good food places?" Yami asked desperately.
"Not really. Seto made me eat health food crap. But I'm sure Seto knows. Hold on a second." Mokuba took the phone away from his mouth. "Hey Seto, do you know any good food places?"
"What? Why do you need good food places?"
"Yami's asking."
"Well, tell him to go shove a rock up his—"
"Okay Seto!" Mokuba interrupted. He picked up the phone. "Seto said you should go shove a rock up your…something."
"Wait, what's Kaiba doing there in the first place?" asked Yami.
"Oh, Isis said he could live here for a while," said Mokuba.
"Why?"
"So they can straighten things out," said Mokuba.
"Mmm hmm, just what kind of things?"
"Oh, you know, their lives I guess. Anyway, I have to go." Mokuba hung up. Yami stood transfixed, still holding the phone.
"Hey, Pharaoh, how's the food coming along?" asked Malik, entering the hallway. Yami didn't answer. Instead, he started rocking back and forth.
"What's up with you?" asked Malik. Yami continued to rock back and forth. "Oh, I get it! Five thousand years have finally made you a mental case! Hey, do you want to join my club?" Yami stopped his rocking.
"The food will be ready shortly," said Yami and walked into the kitchen.
Malik stared after him. "Freak," he muttered.
As soon as he entered the living room, Malik was bombarded with questions.
"Where's the food?! I'm dyin' here!" screamed Joey.
"Wh—hic—what—hic—happen—hic?" asked Yugi.
"I have good news for you, Tea. Looks like Yami's devastated for some reason. You can make your move," said Malik.
"No, that's okay. I'm perfectly happy with Joey," said Tea.
"Get the hell away from him, hag," said Mai icily.
"Oh, okay," Tea said and went to the kitchen.
"What's up Yami?" she asked.
"Huh? Oh, nothing. Tea, I want you to be the first to try this. My cook spent hours making it." Tea glanced at Seto's pitiful attempt at spaghetti.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Er…it's some foreign delicacy," said Yami.
"Oh, cool. You really want me to be the first to try it?" Tea asked. "Yami, I'm honored."
"Just eat the damn food…please," said Yami. Tea took a bite of Seto's "foreign delicacy."
"It's not that…oh my god…" Tea collapsed on the floor, unconscious.
"Well, looks like the food isn't edible. Everyone can go home now." And he went back to the living room to inform everyone.
"So we have a deal, Isis?" Seto asked. "When I get a job I'll provide for myself and Mokuba and I'll also pay you back for everything you spent on the both of us."
"It's a shame you won't be able to return my nerve cells," said Isis. "Anyway, it's a deal." They shook hands.
"Yay! You're friends!" said Mokuba.
"Yeah, whatever," they said.
"Hey, Seto, can I ask you something?" asked Mokuba.
"Sure."
"How come you have Isis' phone number on speed dial?" asked Mokuba.
"You have my phone number on speed dial?" asked Isis.
"Er…maybe?" said Seto.
"I'm not even going to ask," said Isis.
"Good," said Seto. "Oh, god this thing is hot. How do Malik's Rare Hunters walk around in this all day long?" He took off his cape which he still happened to be wearing.
"Oh. RA! I'm wearing a belly shirt!" Seto screamed. "A lavender belly shirt!" Isis faked a giggle.
"Hey, you look pretty cute in a belly shirt," she lied.
"EW!" Seto screamed. "Get it off me! Get it off me!"
"You'd rather walk around naked?" Mokuba asked.
"Come to think of it, no," admitted Seto. "Just as long as no one I know sees me in this."
"What are we? Strangers?" Isis asked.
"Well, Mokuba's related to me so he's seen worse, and you're—"
"About to be related to him," said Mokuba.
"MOKUBA!" They screamed in unison.
"What? I was stating a fact…"
"Hey, you wouldn't by any chance have any decent clothes for me to wear, would you?" Seto asked Isis.
"That depends, would you like to wear feminine clothing?" Isis asked.
Yami entered the living room solemnly.
"A terrible"—he coughed—"tragedy has occurred. It appears that the food was not edible and Tea seems to have been poisoned. I'm afraid you'll all have to go home." Just then, Tea entered the living room looking cheerful. Albeit a greenish looking cheerful.
"Hi guys!" she said.
"Oh. Ra. NOTHING TAKES HER! THE WOMAN DOES NOT DIE! Wait, did I say woman? I meant: THE MAN DOES NOT DIE! KAIBA'S COOKING SHOULD HAVE KILLED HER! I GIVE UP!" Yami screamed. Everyone stared at him strangely.
"Kaiba's cooking?" Malik asked. "You were going to poison us?!"
"What do you mean?" Yami asked.
"Anyone with one-fourth of a brain would guess that if Kaiba were to cook for you, he obviously would add something to it. Something fatal, if you know what I mean," said Malik. "I can't believe you didn't figure that out."
"But Tea's still alive," said Yami.
"Well, Tea is…Tea's an it. Its don't die," said Malik.
"Okay, it's proven. Alcohol makes Malik smart," said Yami Bakura.
"Oh, so funny," said Malik.
"Wasn't it?" said Yami Bakura. "And about the thing about anyone with one-fourth of a brain guessing, Yami doesn't fall into that category."
"Excuse me? And just why is that?" Yami asked.
"Because you don't have a brain. It's decayed," said Yami Bakura.
Due to the lingering shock after his conversation with Mokuba, Yami didn't reply as he normally would have, which would have been to say some stupid and moronic comeback.
"Just—just go, people," he said.
"Aw, Yami, are you okay?" Tea asked, patting his back.
"Step away from me now," Yami said in a calm but nevertheless terrifying manner.
"But I'm your friend—"
"Get it through your thick fashion-challenged, bad-hair decade head! I don't believe in all the friendship crap you preach about! Nobody, except my retarded aibou, does! Notice the key word: retarded. Now you will all leave, before I walk over to my gun closet and unleash its wrath upon you!" Yami screamed.
"You should talk! I knew you were a mistake! That's it! I love Seto Kaiba now!" said Tea
"Yes! There is a god!" Yami said thankfully.
"Eh…what's up wid you?" Joey asked.
"Shall we go to the closet?" Yami Bakura asked, sensing that Yami was going to detonate again.
"OUT! ALL OF YOU! NOW!" he screamed. As everyone got up and went to the exit, Yami said, "Except you Malik. Stay for a minute. I have something for you."
"Okay, look. Whatever made you so cheesed off at the world, I had absolutely nothing to do with it. So don't go shooting me or anything," said Malik. Yami sniffled and went upstairs. What is up with him? Malik thought.
Yami came downstairs carrying a huge box about ten minutes later.
"What the hell took you so long?" Malik asked.
"Here," said Yami, shoving the cardboard box in Malik's hands. Malik looked inside and saw very expensive, very familiar looking clothes.
"I don't get it," he said, clueless.
"When you get home, give those to whom they belong to," said Yami.
"I still don't get it. Did someone die, and Isis inherited these or something?" Malik asked. "Or, better yet, Kaiba died and Mokuba inherited Kaiba's clothes!"
"Well, you're right about one thing. Those are Kaiba's clothes. But Kaiba's not dead," said Yami. Malik stared, and then it dawned on him.
"What—you mean—that these—these clothes…I have to give them to Kaiba?!" Malik asked.
"Yes." Malik stared at Yami in horror. And then he risked a question.
"Why?" Before Yami could answer, Yami Bakura entered the huge mansion.
"Malik, what the hell is taking so long?" he asked. Malik looked at Yami Bakura, horrified.
"Why?" he asked Yami again.
"Because…because…ah, screw it! Malik, Isis and Seto are getting married!" he screamed. Malik's jaw hung. Then the adrenaline kicked in. Malik sped toward his house as fast as he could.
"Wow, that's quite an accomplishment for Malik," said Yami Bakura.
"What is?" Yami asked.
"He remembered where his house was this time," said Yami Bakura.
"How can you stay calm during all of this? Didn't you hear what I just said? Seto. And. Isis. Are. Getting. Married."
"Eh, I knew it was hopeless all along. But the situation could be much worse," said Yami Bakura.
"How could it possibly be any worse?" Yami asked.
"Well, she could've married Yugi," said Yami Bakura.
Yami screamed.
Malik burst through the door to his house and looked around. Seto was sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, and seemed to be suffering from heat exhaustion. Isis was typing something for work, and Mokuba was blowing up aliens on the tv screen. All in all, everything seemed calm. But now Malik would have to be a disruption.
"ISIS! WHAT IN THE NAME OF RA IS SETO KAIBA DOING IN OUR HOUSE?!" he screamed, so angry that the words came out in Egyptian.
"Seto will be staying with us," said Isis in English.
"May I see you outside for a minute, dearest sister?" Malik asked through clenched teeth. It was proving very difficult to be calm and kind to his meddling sister.
"I like it here just fine, Malik," said Isis. "Besides, I'm busy."
"Ishizu…" Malik said through his clenched teeth threateningly.
"Whatever it is, you can say it in front of our guests. They have a right to know," said Isis. Malik took out the Millennnium Rod and turned it into a dagger. Isis sighed.
"Okay Malik. You win," Isis said.
"What's going on?" Malik asked when they were outside.
"What do you mean?" Isis asked calmly. Oh, she was getting a kick out of this.
"What do you mean, what do I mean? You know perfectly well what I mean! Hell will freeze over if you allow Seto Kaiba to live here! Okay, if you really want to marry him, I suppose that's better than you marrying Yami. If I have to be related to the Kaibas, fine, but don't live here with him!" Malik shrieked. Isis smiled and pinched Malik's cheek.
"Don't you worry about a thing, baby brother, everything will be fine," she said, still smiling. Malik was horrified. He had never seen an expression like that on his sister's face. Sure, there had been occasions when his sister had smiled, but not like that. It was a smile of sweet malice, not happiness. Or at least, that was what Malik thought.
Isis turned around and went into the house. She had no idea who started the rumor about her marrying Seto, but she felt as if she could hail them. It was all the more helpful to making Malik's life a living hell.
"Isis!" Malik called after her. "Didn't you hear me? I said, Hell will freeze over!"
"Then let it freeze over," said Isis calmly. Malik grunted and followed Isis inside. Who knew? Maybe it wouldn't be too horrible to reside under the same roof as Seto Kaiba. He went over to Kaiba and handed him the box.
"What's this?" Seto asked suspiciously.
"Clothes," said Malik simply. Seto opened the box.
"Yes! There is a god! I can look rich again! And," he said happily, "I won't have to look gay anymore!" Seto jumped up and ran into the bathroom, still clutching the blanket.
"It's good that he finally got some clothes," said Mokuba. "I thought he was going to die of heat stroke in that blanket."
"Whatever. He asked, I gave," said Isis. "To think, all that just because he was wearing Malik's belly shirt."
"What? He was wearing my clothing?" Malik asked.
"Don't you remember? Last time he was here, I gave him some of your clothes," said Isis.
"And that's not all you gave him," said Malik darkly, recalling the little "How dare you call me a monkey?" scenario.
"You got your Rod back," Isis said.
"Whatever. Mokuba, can I join you?" Malik asked.
"No, these aliens have got my name on them. But you can in the next game. You're a tough opponent, Malik," said Mokuba.
"It comes from real life experience," said Malik. Isis cleared her throat loudly and shot a look at Malik.
"What?" he asked. Just then, Seto came out of the bathroom dressed in his Battle City attire. The clothes were the cleanest he'd worn in about a week. Not a single belt was on wrong, and if you ever actually counted the belts, you'd know that that's saying something. (A/N: No, seriously, why do they wear belts on their torso?!)
"Oh, god, I haven't felt this good since Gozaburo died!" Seto said happily.
"Oh, s***, I made Kaiba happy," said Malik.
"Oh, cool, Vocabulary Enhancers!" Mokuba was about to write down the wonderful word before he realized something. "Oh. I already recorded that one. Hey, Isis, do you think you could buy me another notebook? This one's all filled up."
"No. And Malik, if you ever curse in front of Mokuba again, you can bet your God Card that I will throw you out! Permanently!" said Isis. Seto was oblivious to the world around him. He gazed happily at his reflection. Kaiba Corp, watch out. Your old boss is about to pay you a visit, he thought, smirking.
"Wait, Isis. Where is Seto going to sleep?" Malik asked.
"On the couch," said Isis.
"And where is Mokuba going to sleep?!"
"In your room."
"Okay…and where am I going to sleep, then?!"
"In the basement, where else?" said Isis.
"But there are torture devices there! And they sometimes activate by themselves!" Malik said frantically.
"Exactly," said Isis. "Maybe then you'll learn your lesson."
"Come on, Isis! Haven't I suffered enough?" Malik asked. Isis stood up and stared at Malik bitterly.
"The past fifteen years—that's your life by the way—have been nothing short of hell for me. I think it's only fair for you to suffer a little," said Isis. Seto was still staring at the mirror, and was still unconscious to the world around him.
"Hey, Seto, I'm hungry," said Mokuba.
"Oh, that reminds me. Did you try my specialty, Mokuba?" Malik asked.
"Yeah. What was the green stuff?" asked Mokuba.
"Mold, don't you love it?" Malik said.
"You fed my brother mold?!" Seto screamed, awakening.
"Well, yeah. What's wrong with mold?" Malik asked.
"I'm not hungry anymore," said Mokuba.
"Then I suppose you wouldn't want to go eat dinner with me and Seto," said Isis.
"Of course I wouldn't. I might get in the way and I'm sure you want to be alone," said Mokuba.
"We wouldn't want to be alone!" said Seto.
"Definitely not! I was offering to feed you, stupid!" said Isis.
"Did you just call my brother stupid?" Seto asked.
"I meant it in a nice way, Kaiba," said Isis.
"Nice or not, Mokuba's not stupid," said Seto.
"Yeah! I watch the Discovery Channel!" said Mokuba. "And I go to school!"
"Okay, okay! Sheesh. All that just for one little word," said Isis. "So, do you want to eat or not?"
"No, I ate just before. Remember, the restaurant story?" said Seto.
"And I just had Malik's specialty," said Mokuba.
"Okay, so I'm the only person who didn't eat?" Isis asked.
"Wait, aren't you forgetting someone?" Malik asked.
"Who?"
"Me! I didn't eat!" said Malik.
"One, I wasn't offering. Two, didn't you eat at Yami's house?" Isis asked.
"No. Oh, and Kaiba, your food nearly killed Tea. But she didn't die because she's an it," said Malik.
"Well, I'm not going anywhere with you, Malik, so we'll just stay here and I'll find something to eat," said Isis, entering the kitchen.
"I'll be right back," said Malik gloomily and went upstairs. He returned a few minutes later clutching a bottle of liquor. At that inopportune time for Malik, Isis returned into the living room.
"Okay, I'm making—whoa, Malik, where did that come from?" Isis asked.
"I figured that your engagement is an excuse to get drunk. Yami kicked us all out before I could do so properly at his house," said Malik.
"Engagement? What engagement?" Seto asked.
"Oh, you know, Seto. Our little agreement," hinted Isis.
"Oh, you mean that I'll be living here? Well, if it makes you happy, Malik," said Seto.
"Ooooo, can I have some of the pretty liquid?" asked Mokuba.
"No," said Seto automatically.
"You let me have some last time," said Mokuba.
"When was this?" Seto asked.
"Before you lost all your money to Yami," said Mokuba.
"Well, I was drunk. Somehow…" said Seto. Malik snickered, and Seto looked at him suspiciously. It is strange that I got drunk. I know my limitations. I wouldn't drink more than I knew I could handle. So how did I—and then it felt as if something clicked in his mind. "Actually, I think I know how I got drunk. Isn't that right, Malik?" That removed the snicker off Malik's face.
"How would I know what goes on inside your sick mind, Kaiba?" Malik asked. That's it. Stay calm. There's no way he knows anything. Malik thought. Or maybe he figured it—
"Oh, I think you know exactly what I'm thinking," Seto interrupted Malik's thoughts. "You spiked my drink, didn't you? The drink I took my aspirin with. That's why you and your insane Yami friend looked so happy. And that's why he was so eager for me to take it. I can't believe I didn't realize this earlier."
"I can't believe you realized it at all," said Isis, shaking her head.
"I'm not a genius for nothing," said Seto. "I'm just interested in where you got the alcohol from…" Seto paused. The he remembered. "So that's what you were doing with Mokuba in my house. You got him to open the closet for you. And then you swiped the alcohol when I wasn't looking. Or before I even showed up. Let me guess; you took the super-saturated vodka?"
"Oh Ra! How did you figure all of that out?! Yes, that's exactly what we used and that's exactly what happened! Geniuses suck," Malik whined.
Seto scoffed. "Oh, please. It wasn't exactly a plan a mastermind would have come up with. Honestly, I would have expected you and Yami Bakura to come up with something much more complex." Malik fumed silently. I love my brain. Seto thought happily.
"You're so smart, big brother," said Mokuba admiringly.
"I know," said Seto. Isis glanced at her watch.
"Oh my God! It's eleven PM! I had no idea it was so late! Mokuba, upstairs, shower, now. You have school tomorrow. Malik, downstairs, bed, now, because I know you don't take showers. Seto, you're showering after Mokuba because you are not sleeping on my couch when you're filthy. And I'll go eat cereal or something," Isis dispensed orders.
"Hey, why should I go to bed so early?" Malik asked.
"Did you forget about what you're doing tomorrow?" she asked him.
"What? Oh, yeah. Crap." Malik went downstairs, sulking.
"Mokuba, go wash up," she said.
"Oh, come on. Just one more game. Please! It's not the alien one! Come on!" Mokuba pleaded.
"NOW!" said Isis. Mokuba got up and went upstairs. He knew there was no point in pestering Isis any further when she employed that tone.
Seto stared at Isis. "Is this what life is always like here?"
"No. Sometimes it's a little more hectic," she replied.
"Oh." Just then, Malik came upstairs. His left arm was bleeding rapidly.
"What the hell did you do to yourself, Malik?" Isis asked.
"Remember the scalpel I stole from you when you were dissecting frogs? Well, I brushed against it," said Malik. He didn't seem too worried.
"Did you know that the scalpel still had frog guts on it when it went missing?" Isis asked.
"No it—it did?!" Malik asked, glancing at his arm.
"You could be poisoned very severely," she said.
"Oh, crap! I don't want to die! The world isn't mine yet!" said Malik.
"Well, then you better just expire now, Malik, because that's not happening," said Seto.
"Shut up, both of you! Malik, there were no frog guts on it, at least not that I know of. Go wash up and go to bed! Understand?" said Isis.
"You take the fun out of everything, sister," said Malik drearily. "Hey, wait a minute. Isis, why is Seto sleeping on the couch? Shouldn't he be—"
"Malik, how much do you value your life?" Isis asked.
"Um…a lot."
"Then you'll shut up."
"Yeah, whatever."
Malik's alarm clock rang the following morning. It took him a moment to actually remember what it was.
"What the—stupid piece of junk! It's six in the morning! What the hell do I need to wake up at six o'clock in the morning for?!" He threw the alarm clock against the wall and went back to sleep.
"Malik!" Isis called from upstairs. "Are you forgetting what day it is?"
"Yeah. I forgot. Wake me up tomorrow," was Malik's reply.
"Don't make me come down there!" said Isis. But Malik was already fast asleep.
"I'll give him a minute to get his butt up here," Isis said upstairs. She entered the living room and found Seto completely awake, typing away on her laptop.
"What are you doing?" Isis asked.
"Hacking into Kaiba Corp's computer mainframe," said Seto airily.
"You can do that?" she asked.
"Of course," he replied. "Trust me, it's not a challenge. If I know the level of Yami's stupidity, and I do, then I would know that he wouldn't have the common sense to change any of the passwords. Basically, I'm accessing my own records."
"I see. When did you get up?" Isis asked.
"About four-thirty. Why?"
"No reason. Why would you get up that early?"
"I used to sleep like three to four hours every night," Seto replied simply. Isis shrugged and went downstairs to wake Malik up by any means necessary. Wow, you can have an actual conversation with Kaiba when he's working, thought Isis. He must be extremely happy.
"Malik! GET OUT OF BED NOW!" she screamed when she was in the basement. Malik grunted and turned away from her. Isis pushed him off the cot and onto the floor. He continued snoring. Then she had an absolutely wicked idea. "Malik," she whispered, "I gave Seto Kaiba all three God Cards and all seven Millennium Items."
"WHAT?! YOU COULDN'T HAVE! YOU DON'T HAVE THEM ALL!" Malik screamed.
"At least you're awake. Now get up. You're going back to school today," said Isis.
"They're actually letting me?" Malik asked wincingly. "I've been suspended for a year."
"Well, they suspended you. They didn't expel you. Now go upstairs and put on your school uniform," ordered Isis. Malik got up grudgingly and went upstairs to his room.
Seto stared at Malik when he emerged from the basement.
"What?" Malik asked.
"I just didn't know Isis was okay with you walking around in nothing but boxers," said Seto and returned to his work. (A/N: I can imagine all the Malik fangirls now…)
"I'm not," said Isis. "But I have no control over that, so you have to get used to it."
"Mmm hmm…holy hell! Profits are down by fifty percent! Damn Yami! He controls my company for about a week and brings it to the brink of destruction," said Seto, shaking his head.
"Malik, go get some clothes on, for God's sake!" said Isis.
"Fine," said Malik.
"Good morning!" said Mokuba, emerging from the kitchen.
"What's so good about it?" Seto grunted.
"Yeah, what he said!" Malik called from his room.
"Okay. Seto, I presume you've eaten," said Isis. Seto nodded.
"I have too," put in Mokuba.
"So then we're all set," said Isis. "Hurry up, Malik!"
"Class, we have one of our old students joining us today. Please welcome, Malik Ishtar," said the teacher. Malik entered the classroom.
"Oh God…" said Bakura. "He's back."
"I don't get it. What's wrong with that?" asked Yugi.
"Yugi, you moron, think! Just imagine what he and my yami will do if they get together!" said Bakura.
//This must be a landmark moment for you, Bakura. I don't think I've ever heard you insult someone.// said Yami Bakura from his soul room. Bakura laughed nervously.
"Malik, take your seat next to—oh my. Why don't you get rid of some of that jewelry and put it away?" the teacher suggested. Malik clutched his arm band defensively.
"You touch my gold and you die," he said clearly.
"Um…okay. Speaking of which, where is your school uniform?" the teacher questioned. Malik eyed him crossly.
"Up the Pharaoh's butt and around the corner," said Malik. The teacher's jaw dropped.
"E-excuse me?" he asked, shocked.
"I'd say something else, but Yugi Mutou is present in the room," said Malik.
"Remind me. Why were you suspended?" the teacher inquired.
"Long story," said Malik.
"Well then, go sit in the empty seat next to Bakura," he ordered.
"Sure," Malik replied gratefully and sat down.
"NO!" Bakura screamed. "Blood loss awaits me!"
"That ain't fair! We all have to suffer while psycho-boy over there gets to do whatever he wants? This sucks," said Joey.
"Well, what do you expect? The teacher's afraid of him," said Tristan.
"So am I," said Tea nervously.
"I'd be more afraid of Kaiba if I were you. Once he finds out that you like him," said Joey.
"Ah…Seto…" Tea swooned.
"I feel so bad for that guy," said Joey. "No one deserves Tea."
"Thanks for dropping me off, Isis," said Seto, getting out of Isis' car.
"Yeah, whatever. Just make sure you get the job or else I will hurt you," said Isis and sped off. Seto shrugged and went inside the Kaiba Corp building. and sped off. Seto shrugged and went inside the Kaiba Corp building. He walked up to the front desk.
"How may I help you?" The clerk asked.
"I'm here for a job interview."
"Well, we don't have any scheduled for today," the woman replied, staring at her computer screen.
"You'll make time for me," said Seto.
"Well, I couldn't—"
"Do you know who I am?" Seto asked. The woman looked up.
"Oh, Mr. Kaiba, it's you," she said.
"Yes it is. Now, is there anyone I can see about this?" he asked.
"I'll see to it now," said the woman. Within a few minutes, one of the Kaiba Corp executives came downstairs.
"Mr. Kaiba! What are you doing here?" he asked, sounding very happy to see him. Seto realized there was no need to state his reason. They were practically dying without him.
"I just came to look things over," said Seto. "To see how your new boss is doing."
"Not too well. Our profits are down, way down," the executive replied. "I'd tell you the exact number, but I don't want to be responsible for giving you an early age heart attack."
"No number will surprise me," said Seto.
"Fifty percent," the executive said. This caused no change in Seto's expression whatsoever. "You don't seem surprised."
"That's because I'm not. I knew Yugi Mutou would bring this company down," said Seto calmly.
The executive took a deep breath. "Mr. Kaiba, please come back. We're falling apart without you. Mr. Mutou hasn't shown up for work since a few days ago, and that was to go bungee jumping off the roof. Bungee jumping off the roof! I don't know what we're going to do. Please, Mr. Kaiba, do whatever you can to become CEO again." Seto thought for a moment.
"Are there any job openings?" he asked.
"Lots. People keep quitting. Too much stress," said the executive. "The CFO just quit." (A/N: For those who don't know, CFO means Chief Financial Officer.)
"Well, if you need me that badly, I suppose I can take that position," said Seto.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" said the executive, sounding very undignified for a Kaiba Corp worker. "Can you start now?"
"Yes."
"Thank you!" Oh, I am too good, Seto thought.
"In! Now!" said the teacher, too angry to speak in full, complete sentences. Malik entered the principal's office and made himself comfortable.
"Hi! I'm waiting for my mom to pick me up. What are you here for?" a girl asked.
"Suspension, probably," said Malik, looking at the girl.
"What's your name?" the girl asked.
"Malik Ishtar."
"Oh, I've heard of you. You're like famous. My brother told me to stay away from you since you're dangerous or something. But he never said you were that hot," said the girl. Malik rolled his eyes.
"Oh, so you mean he said I was semi-hot? Where did he go wrong?" asked Malik.
"I haven't seen you around. Where have you been?" she asked.
"Suspended for a year."
"What for?"
"I almost killed someone," said Malik simply, like it was something that happened everyday.
"You did what?" the girl asked, her eyes widening.
"The guy was bothering me, so I controlled his mind and made him run in front of a car. Would you like me to demonstrate?" he said. The girl shrieked and ran to the farthest corner of the room. Malik snickered. At that moment, the principal entered the room.
"Malik Ishtar. What a surprise it is to see you here on your first day back," he said sarcastically.
"Isn't it though?" Malik replied with equal sarcasm. The principal glanced at the girl Malik had successfully terrified.
"Working your magic, I see?" said the principal. "What did you do this time?" He looked at the note, read it, and then eyed Malik skeptically. "You did that?" Malik nodded hopefully.
"Well, then I have no choice but to suspend you again. For three weeks."
"YES!" said Malik, but quickly corrected himself saying, "I mean, oh no."
"Get in the car, Malik, before I change my mind and run over you," said Isis.
"Hey, it's not my fault they can't appreciate hieroglyphics," said Malik.
"Give me the note so I can see why I have to put up with you for another three weeks," she ordered. Malik obeyed.
"Let's see. 'Dear Ms. Ishtar, Seeing as you are Malik Ishtar's legal guardian it is our duty to inform you that he has been suspended for an additional three weeks. The reason was serious infraction on our school dress code. It clearly states that students are not allowed to wear excessive jewelry or come to school without wearing a school uniform. However, oftentimes this rule is not enforced if the students have a good reason. But when this is so, they are not permitted to dress openly. (In example: belly shirts.) Nor are they permitted to remove their clothing. Please contact me for further discussion on this matter,'" she read. "Explain."
"Well, some new kid was showing off so I decided to make him shut up. I…um…well…"
"You took your shirt off, didn't you?" Isis finished.
"Yeah," said Malik.
"What were you doing wearing it anyway? I told you to put on your school uniform!" said Isis, glowering.
"No you didn't. You said, and I quote, 'Malik, go get some clothes on, for God's sake!'" he replied.
"You knew perfectly well what I meant."
"No I didn't. You forget, Isis, I'm an idiot," said Malik.
"Oh, no, don't worry. That I didn't forget."
"Yes! Guess what?" Seto asked as he entered his temporary home.
"You have a deadly disease and you only have twenty-four hours to live," said Malik.
"No. I got a job! At Kaiba Corp!" said Seto.
"That's great, big brother," said Mokuba.
"Does this mean you'll be moving out?" Malik asked hopefully.
"No. Where's your sister?" Seto asked.
"Why do you want to see her? So you can inform her that you're going to support the family?" Malik asked.
"What?" Seto asked. Just then, Isis entered her house, closely followed by one of her co-workers.
"Where were you?" Malik asked.
"The hospital," said Isis.
"Oh my God! Are you—I mean, you and Seto, are you going to have a—"
"No, you thick-headed idiot. Someone I work with got hit by a car," Isis interrupted Malik.
"Isis, I was thinking about my offer to you before, and—"
"Sorry, I can't. I'm…um…married," she said. Her co-worker looked like a beaten dog.
"To whom?" he asked.
"Er…I…uh…Seto Kaiba," she answered, saying the first name that came to her mind.
"What?!" Seto shouted.
"Oh. Well, I can understand why you wouldn't want to leave him. You're a lucky one, Kaiba," said the co-worker. "So, any children?"
"I'm only twenty!" Isis scowled.
"Eh, whatever. Sorry for bothering you all those times." He got up and walked out the door.
"We got married? When?" Seto asked, folding his arms. "You could've consulted me first."
"We're not married…yet," she added, noticing Malik's expression.
"Oh. So we got engaged when your brother got me drunk?" Seto asked.
"No. It's just that…oh, fine. Someone told Malik that we were getting married and I just didn't bother to correct them. Besides, it was making Malik lose his mind."
"You mean there was actually something for him to lose?" Seto asked.
"Wait. You mean you're not engaged?" Malik asked.
"NO!" said Seto and Isis, disgusted by the mere thought.
"Who told you that, anyway?" Seto asked. Then, on an impulse, Seto and Isis looked at Mokuba.
"Don't look at me. I didn't do anything," said Mokuba.
"He's right, you know," said Malik. "Yami's the one who told me."
"And where would Yami get and idea like that?" Seto asked. He looked at Mokuba with a penetrating gaze.
"Well, I just told him that you were here so you and Isis could straighten out your lives," said Mokuba. "It's not my fault Yami can't understand when people are being literal."
"Whatever. I'm going to bed early today," announced Isis, going upstairs. Seto took out a laptop he stole from someone's desk at Kaiba Corp. He just figured he'd give it back when he was done.
"Well, I've been working for just a day and our profits bounced right back up. What would these people do without me?" Seto gloated.
"Get paid more," said Malik. Seto glared at him.
"Hey, Seto, I was wondering. Do you want to see Isis in her pajamas?" Mokuba asked.
"No, Mokuba," said Seto. "I mean it, don't start annoying me."
It was a long and tedious week for everyone except Seto, who felt like he was in heaven, by the way, but the weekend finally arrived. Of course, for Seto, that meant more work. And of course, for Seto, that was sheer bliss.
"Why don't you just replace the stupid Pharaoh so I can get my normal life back?" asked a disgruntled Malik Saturday morning.
"Because I can't do that. He's CEO. He has more power than I do. If I could, don't you think I would've done that a long time ago? Do you think I actually like living here instead of my mansion?" said Seto, typing away on his laptop. "And working on this old, out-dated laptop?"
The doorbell rang.
"Oh, damn it, I thought I turned the alarm clock off!" said Malik.
"That's not the alarm clock, you moron. That's the doorbell," said Seto. It rang again.
"Oh," said Malik. Neither of them made a move to open it.
"Aren't you going to open it?" Seto asked.
"No."
"Can someone get that?!" Isis called from her room. "I'm busy working. It's for you anyway, Malik."
"I'm not opening the door for him!" said Malik.
"Set—"
"Interrupting me while I'm working means instant death for anyone who dares to do so," replied Seto. "Except Mokuba," he added as an afterthought. The doorbell continued ringing incessantly.
"Oh, that's okay people. Relax, I'll get it," said Isis angrily as she came downstairs. She opened the door.
"Ah, Isis! How are you? I was beginning to get worried. I thought Malik may have killed everyone. Speaking of which, where is the Sadistic One?" asked the elderly man at the door.
"Come in. No, Malik was just hesitant in getting the door," explained Isis. "Malik, your psychiatrist is here."
"What joy," said Malik sarcastically. Seto was doubled over, laughing hysterically.
"It's worth being interrupted for that," he said. "You have a psychiatrist?"
"I don't need one, but Isis thinks I do. Stupid annoying meddling woman!" said Malik.
"I suggest you quit this job," Seto said to the psychiatrist, "because after some time with Malik you're the one who'll be needing therapy."
"Oh, Kaiba, you have such a wonderful personality," said Malik sarcastically.
"Kaiba?" interjected the psychiatrist. "As in, Seto Kaiba?"
"Yeah, that's me," said Seto. Why do I have a bad feeling about this? He thought.
"It is you! I thought I recognized you. My granddaughter is a huge fan of yours. I would ask you to meet her, but she likes to talk a lot. I don't think you'd be able to get one word in. Though she did tell me she met your twin brother and that he was a complete jerk," he said. Seto smiled to himself, wondering how people could be so stupid. (A/N: In case everyone has forgotten what I'm talking about due to the fact that I haven't updated in two months, I'm referring to what can only be described as the rabid fangirl from chapter five. The one who kept ranting and wouldn't shut up.)
"Well, that's nice to know," Seto lied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of work to be getting along with."
"Of course. Besides, Malik here has his weekly session right now. But before you go, can I have your autograph for my granddaughter?" asked the psychiatrist hopefully.
"Maybe some other time, I'm extremely busy," said Seto, remembering the girl he met. He shuddered. That was one fan he would be willing to relinquish.
"Don't tell me you're leaving me alone with him?" Malik asked Seto helplessly.
"Yes," said Seto. Malik stared wide-eyed as Seto entered the kitchen.
Well, it appears I've already begun to get my revenge on Malik. Well, one down, and two more morons to go. Seto thought.
* * *
JK: Sorry for the really long, weird, and possibly even boring update. But when you write about life at the Ishtar household, things aren't going to be normal. And as for the part about it being boring, I have a really bad case of writer's block. Well, I hope the length makes up for the time it took me to actually write this!
Seto: I love this chapter! It's the best one so far!
Malik: Well, I didn't. Are you sure this chapter shouldn't have been called "Malik's Hell"?
Yami: What are you talking about, Kaiba? That chapter was horrible. Tea didn't die!
Malik: I've already explained this. Tea didn't die because she's an it.
Yami: Oh, right.
Yami Bakura: And the Weakling said his first mean word!
Dark Shadows: Yeah, we all grew up so much.
JK: Except you. You'll never grow up.
Dark Shadows: True…
JK: Anyway, thanks to anyone who actually read all of this and an even bigger thanks to anyone who'll review! And it won't take me this long to write Chapter 9.
Seto: Yes! I get more revenge.
Yami: So who's suffering next, JK?
JK: I think I'll let Seto choose.
(Seto smiles maliciously at Yami.)
Yami: Oh no…