Ok, this was written A LONG time ago. Thank you to JP, my ever-present proof reader who I send stuff to whenever I feel like it and you always read it. J Luffles and snuffles! I hope everyone enjoys this!

Disclaimer: Newsies – not mine. 'Nuff said.

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I'm sitting here, on a cobblestone chair, my fingers scratching along the hard stone, red bloom spreading over the round nails.

Alone in the alley, huddled in a corner, my arms like ghostly apparitions in white sleeves, strangling my torso – wrapped so tight –

My back is resting against the scratchy brick, long brown hair caught between and tugging at my scalp. It is raining, but I am not wet – because my anger is so hot and blinding the raindrops splash around me.

Names run in my brain, crashing together along with the lightening. My name, his name…………our name and their names, grotesque sounds when you think about them too long.

Stupidity, carelessness – I know. All alone, out here by myself, curled into a protective ball as if the position of my body will ward off evil, demons……………

Demons. Demons are horror – betrayal – disbelief –

Wait, who am I talking to, here inside my mind? Who is there to hear my troubles – alone – my disjointed sentences mumbled out through blue lips………..and some not even spoken at all…………..

Pain is all I feel right now. My heart is a stone……..

My mind is a jumble. My head is pounding. I'm taking this to hard, but Momma always said I could pour out…………my heart………….and someone would always be there.

God, she said. God would always be there.

But will He listen to me, now – me, little Sarah Jacobs and my indescribable problems? Jack has gone now, to Santa Fe – I'm alone – he was all I had, and now he's gone –

Who would ever want me again?

Is someone there? Even if I can't see you, can You hear me? Will you listen to my problems, hear my suffering as I relate a tale to you…………..something I've never told anyone else………….

It's cold out here………..alone. Loneliness………..it's colder than anything else I've ever experienced……….

I feel alone – by myself – alone with my pain and tears.

How horrible it must feel to everyone else, losing their leader. How horrible it must be to them – to the other – to all the people who Jack has touched.

And I? I came out from behind my brown sheet of hair………..for the first time feeling alive, and vibrant and colorful and happy. For the first time I felt – never mind, feelings don't matter now –

The rain is harder now. My anger is stronger. The blood on my fingers has scabbed over – a tiny little prick of pain.

A tiny little prick that melts……..melts me just a little –

Hard……to have a conversation with yourself, alone in heart and mind and body, in an alley next to your apartment building.

The sounds of thunder hit me like a sledgehammer. How can some one lose something so precious, so quickly? 

My white shirt is soaked, thin and freezing against my body – a white shroud of mourning…………….

We all wanted him to stay. But the cowboy in him followed the sweet sounds of the herd to Santa Fe, never to return……………..

He kissed me, our bitter-sweet first and last kiss, in front of all those people.

Do You understand? Can You see inside my mind and understand why I am telling You this?

Please believe me when I say it's not over yet, and it wont be for a very long time –

I feel so strange; sitting here by myself, crying out to something I can't even see, even begin to comprehend. My tears blind me with their truth and reality, hot and iridescent pearls of confusion –

Can You hear me?

How hard it is to have a conversation with someone who can only listen.