Author's Note: Let's see what I can do with this chapter… I have taken the liberty of skipping time. Flashbacks in italics. Refer to chapter one for disclaimer. Thank you.

Chapter 3: Inner Struggles

It was now two weeks before Christmas. It seemed almost unbelievable to Cordelia that she had been at Hogwarts this long, the time seemed to go so quickly. Deep in her heart, she was dreading Christmas. Her holidays were to be spent with the Malfoys. Before her time at Hogwarts, she wouldn't have minded. Now she was going there as a Griffindor. Lucius hated Griffindors almost as much as he hated Muggles. 'Why did that stupid hat put me in Griffindor?' She found herself thinking that more and more these days. The fact that she was there made it taboo that she spent any time with Draco. He was the only reason she was initially excited to go to this school. Now she had to sit back and watch as he constantly had affairs with those Slytherin girls. Well, she didn't literally watch, but she knew about them. She once confronted him about it, but he defended himself by saying that they meant nothing to him. So, he continued his promiscuity and she sat in the background.

Her time with the Griffindors wasn't all that bad. She had befriended Hermione, Ron and Harry. She also found herself enjoying the company of Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil on occasion. One time she even had fun during a snowball fight with Neville Longbottom. She spent more of her time with Harry, Ron and Hermione though. This was definitely the trio that Draco or his father didn't want her to be friends with. Harry was the arch-nemesis of Draco, Ron was a Weasley and therefore seen as below the Malfoys, and Hermione was a muggle-born (Draco used the term mudblood). Still, it seemed the most logical to be friends with them. She was there as protection for Harry in a sense, and was also there to help in any way. Being in the inner circle helped her know what was going on at all times.

The three of them were her closer friends at Hogwarts, but something always told her that she was never fully accepted by them. It was because of Draco. When they would say something bad about Draco, she would defend him. They had talked about it before.

"Who would you choose if you had to choose?" Harry asked her one morning at breakfast. This was something that he had been wondering about since he first knew of her job here.

"That's simple." She replied matter-of-factly. "I would pick Draco." She glanced at the faces of her comrades.

"Even if he were the one to strike first?" Ron interjected before Harry could say anything.

"Even if he were. I like you guys and all, but I've loved him since I was little." She shrugged her shoulders and stole a glance at the Slytherin table. Draco had his arm wrapped around Pansy Parkinson. She tried to shake the hurt look off of her face, but obviously failed.

"Even if he does things like THAT to you?" Hermione looked like she could kill him for making Cordelia hurt like that.

Cordelia forced a pathetic laugh. "Well, isn't one of those characteristics I am supposed to have, loyalty?" She said nothing further on the subject and turned her attention fully to her toast.

The upside of going to the Malfoy Manor was that she could finally spend some time with her betrothed. They had spent some time here and there together, but at the manor she would have him all to herself. She smiled inwardly at the thought. She sat in the library, books open, parchment out, and doodling. With everything going on in her head, she couldn't concentrate on her Transfigurations homework.

"Penny for your thoughts." Cordelia looked up and was greeted by the warm smile of Harry Potter.

"I'm just doing my homework." She hadn't realized that Harry had been standing there for about five minutes watching her doodle.

"I am sure that McGonagall would love for you to hand that into her." He smiled at her and sat down across the table from her. "Something is bothering you, I can tell."

"I was just thinking about Christmas with the future in-laws. About how Lucius is going give me hell about being a Griffindor and helping you." She sighed again and began another doodle.

"It won't be that bad will it?" Harry offered this as a way to possibly cheer her up. He was never truly sure that she was on his side against Voldemort, but he had grown fond of her. Sometimes he wondered what she saw in Malfoy. Sometimes he hated the fact that Malfoy had her. He always hated the fact that Malfoy was never true to whatever relationship they had while she was so faithful. Sometimes he wanted to stroke her hair and kiss her lips. Sometimes he wanted to just push her out of his life. She was the unattainable.

"I've been there so many times before that one wouldn't think that it would be terrible. I am just worried about how he is going to treat me. I know he can't hurt me, because that would violate the terms of the contract. That would mean that he would have no heir. I don't fear death from him. I guess it is rejection I fear from him. He was like a father to me growing up, you know?" Her gentle, sad eyes gazed in the green depths of Harry's.

"Getting excited about going home?" Draco's voice entered the conversation, ruining whatever bonding was happening between Harry and Cordelia.

Cordelia turned to the smiling face of the blond boy of her dreams. "Not really." She sighed again. She wasn't entirely sure if she should vent her concerns to Draco, but decided to chance it. There wasn't much that could strain their relationship.

Draco's composure changed from confident to concerned as he sat next to her. "Why?" This was obviously something that had been bothering her for a while. He kicked himself for not noticing this earlier.

"What did your father say when he heard that I was in Griffindor?" Cordelia watched as Draco looked to Harry.

"Do you mind, Potter?" Draco spat at Harry. Harry looked to Cordelia who was nodding her head at him.

"I'll go, but not because you want me to Malfoy." He glared at Draco and turned to his friend. "I'll see you later, Cor. I hope you feel better." Harry turned and slowly made his way to the door.

As soon as Harry had left the library, Draco turned back to the blond before him. "You're worried that he'll hate you?"

"Well, you said that you didn't mind so much that I was there. Although I suspect it is because you wanted to keep screwing those repulsive Slytherin girls. But, he isn't going to be as understanding." Draco had closed his eyes when she referred to his affairs. He knew from the way she said those words that this was a sore spot to her. They had discussed it before. He had thought the matter closed, but apparently, it wasn't. He opened them slowly and looked her in the eyes.

"Screw Father. He doesn't matter, okay? It's just you and I." He tried to sound as comforting as possible.

"It's just you and I." She laughed almost evilly. "Yeah, you and me and every girl that has ever taken you for a ride. They'll be on your mind the whole time." She stood up to leave, but he had grabbed her wrist forcefully causing her to wince in pain.

"I thought that we had talked about that," Draco growled softly. For some reason, her presumptuousness had offended him.

"We did talk about it and you decided that it didn't matter that . . . " She stopped short. Although they had discussed it earlier, she had never told him how much it hurt her.

"Didn't matter that what?" his original harshness disappeared from his voice.

"That you hurt me. Draco, you have never cared enough to consider my feelings. I love you." Love! She didn't mean to tell him that she loved him. She had told others, but never him.

"You do?" Draco felt his limbs go numb. She couldn't have meant in love. If she did, that meant that he had betrayed her. He had always assumed that they were close friends that one day would be married. They had shared kisses, but they were always chaste. He had to clarify before he went on and assumed more. "You are IN love with me?"

Cordelia couldn't look at him. Too ashamed to see what kinds of emotions were running across his face, too scared to see of one of those emotions was disgust. "Yes Draco, I am in love with you." Now that she had broken the barrier, she decided to keep spilling everything that she had been feeling these past few months. "All I have wanted is to be in your arms, kissing you, loving you, even sharing your bed. I know that sounds so insane because one day I have to share your bed, but Draco, I WANT to share your bed. I've been. . . " She stopped again fearing that she said too much. He was silent. She had just told him everything and now he wasn't saying anything. Was this some kind of silent treatment? Did he hate her now? She decided to finish her thought "…so jealous. I mean, I never thought that I could hate anyone more than Voldemort, but I think that Parkinson did it. I've never met her and I completely hate her."

"I didn't know that you could hate anyone." This was all Draco had managed to say. He didn't know what else he could say. Every word sounded empty in comparison to what she said.

"Well, I have imagined what it would be like to torture her with a slow death." She smiled sheepishly at the evil thought. This caught Draco off guard.

"Didn't know you had it in you." He was turned on by her sudden change of attitude. He had once thought of what it would be like to torture Parkinson to her death too. Pansy was very clingy and didn't understand the concept of sex without commitment.

"I didn't either until one night I was laying there in bed thinking about what kinds of horrible things I could do to her." Draco took her hand and kissed it.

"I can't say that I love you back." Cordelia's face fell. Draco saw this and quickly tried to fix this problem. "I can say that it hurt me to think that I had been hurting you. I don't want you to hurt." Draco wasn't entirely sure what love was exactly. He didn't want to say that he loved her, just in case he didn't. That would hurt her more.

Cordelia shook her head slightly. "Empty words." She couldn't believe him. She wanted to but she just couldn't make herself do it. "I'm going to go and finish this homework where I won't be interrupted. I'll see you at Christmas." She picked up her belongings and headed up to the Griffindor common room, leaving a confused Draco behind.

Author's note: On to revising chapter 4! Hooray! There were just a few subtle changes I made that will make a difference in later chapters.