Note from veggie: First off, I added more characters (look in the first chapter) that I had forgotten because I am a hapless fool, blundering about in places that no mortal should visit, such as my grandmother's nursing home. Evil people reside there.

EXT. LARGE, OPEN BATTLEFIELD, WHERE MANY CREATURES ARE DYING IN AGONY. TRELAWNEY's voice narrates calmly over the fray.

TRELAWNEY: Once upon a time, long, long ago, but not in a galaxy far away, terror reigned free. Deep within his secret Evil Hat-Making Factory, the Dark Lord Voldemort sewed hats of pure malevolence.

The hats were unlike any other. Cruel, twisted, conniving hats they were. Voldemort gave three evil hats to the three elven kings, who desired nothing more than to be beautiful, and hats were a popular fashion accessory in those days. Seven evil hats hats he gave to the dwarf lords, who wished to protect their ears from the burning heat of their forges. And nine...nine evil hats he gave to the race of men, who just really, really liked hats.

Then, in the lands of Mordor, Voldemort sewed the most beastly hat of them all--One Hat to rule them all.

FX: BATTLE SCENE DISAPPEARS IN CLOUD OF FLAME AND SMOKE, ONLY TO BE REPLACED BY ANOTHER THAT LOOKS STRIKINGLY SIMLIAR. TRELAWNEY's voice continues to drone on.

TRELAWNEY: Soon after Voldemort distributed his wicked hats of depravity, horrible ugly battles began to rage across Middle-Earth. Finally, though, in the last battle, a mortal man stood against Voldemort. He muttered a curse against the One Hat, and Voldemort was banished.

FX: EXTREMELY OUT OF PLACE FANFARE.

TRELAWNEY: Then, the mortal, captured by the One Hat's beauty, went against the better advice of this elf named Crabbe, and wore the hat. He was killed, and the One Hat was lost for ages, until a small, ungainly creature named Dobby found it and coveted it, taking it into his underground cave. Never again, Dobby thought, would the One Hat see the light of day.

Then Harry's not-really-relative, Hagrid, got the Hat and escaped from Dobby's clutches by confusing him with his horrible accent, and that's where our story actually begins.

EXT. VIEW OF THE SHIRE FROM ABOVE. TWINKLY MUSIC IS PLAYED. HARRY IS SITTING IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION, READING A BOOK. WE THINK THE BOOK IS UPSIDE-DOWN.
HARRY looks up and sees a cart coming down the road. He jumps up.

HARRY: Dumbledore! Oh, how I've longed to see you!

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, my boy! Get into this non-magical cart contraption. I'm going to see Hagrid!

HARRY jumps into the cart and they ride away.

DUMBLEDORE: You seemed a lot taller last time I saw you, Harry.

HARRY: Yeah, they had to amputate part of my legs for this mov--

DUMBLEDORE: Well, isn't that nice.

DUMBLEDORE smiles serenely. His eyes look slightly glazed over. HARRY stares at DUMBLEDORE nervously out of the corner of his eyes.

HARRY: Er, yeah.

DUMBLEDORE quickly swerves the cart to avoid hitting lots of small hobbit children. HARRY screams and clutches the sides of his seat.

HARRY: [Still looking rather panicked] Maybe I'll just pop off now. Thanks for the ride, Dumbledore.

HARRY shakily gets off the cart and glances behind him, worried.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, isn't that nice!

DUMBLEDORE tips his hat at HARRY and continues to ride down the road. After much more twinkly music and useless footage of the cart rolling along, DUMBLEDORE arrives at HAGRID's curiously small house. He knocks on the door.

HAGRID opens the door from the inside, bumping his head on many things. DUMBLEDORE laughs.

DUMBLEDORE: Why, Hagrid, I thought that you would have gotten a bigger house by now!

HAGRID mumbles something unintelligible. DUMBLEDORE enters the house with no problems, but HAGRID continues to fumble around and knock into things. There is a touching scene between HAGRID and DUMBLEDORE, but since DUMBLEDORE is senile, and HAGRID has a horrible accent, it was cut out of the movie.

SCENE CHANGE: HAGRID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

FX: MORE TWINKLY MUSIC, ALTHOUGH PERHAPS THIS MUSIC IS A BIT MORE MERRY. RON approaches HARRY, sitting down next to him, as the HUGE MOB OF HOBBITS begins to scream in a loud chorus.

HUGE MOB OF HOBBITS: Speech! Speech!

HAGRID stands up in front of everyone, and mumbles something about food, drink, merriment, and how he hates them all. The HUGE MOB OF HOBBITS agrees, and they raise their glasses.

HAGRID: Now ah've got te leave yeh all! Ah'm going now. G'bye!

HAGRID puts a very small hat on his very large head and promptly disappears. The HUGE MOB OF HOBBITS starts to run around frantically, bumping into things. HARRY jumps up as well, running around aimlessly. RON, his trusty sidekick, follows close behind.

Note from veggie: Hmm. I didn't spell check this because I'm lazy. Humor me. And feel free to IM me on AOL/AIM (my screenname is veggie376) with compliments or SCATHING INSULTS.