DUMBLEDORE rides to HOGWARTS at great speeds.
FX: What horse-riding scene would be complete without DRAMATIC FANFARE?
MINERVA (THE MONOCHROMATIC) narrates for a moment. Or maybe she is just talking to DUMBLEDORE. It's hard to tell.
MINERVA: England and Scotland and Ireland and stuff are in a time of trouble and Dumbledore the Slightly Off-Colour--er, Grey--rides to me...very, very quickly. He is troubled about his young hobbit companion. Is this not why you have come to me, my old friend?
DUMBLEDORE: Not as old as you.
MINERVA: Please allow me to kick your arse with my Staff of Magical Wicked-Coolness.
DUMBLEDORE: Back, old hag! I shall wield my Staff of Staffity Good against you!
MINERVA proceeds to hand DUMBLEDORE his arse in a shocking display of kung-fu mixed with break dancing. DUMBLEDORE looks slightly shocked, not to mention bloody and gross.
DUMBLEDORE: I didn't know you had such mad skills.
MINERVA: Did I mention that I'm evil? You must have missed the memo.
SCENE: SOMEWHERE ELSE IN ENGLAND, WHERE HARRY, RON, FRED, AND GEORGE ARE TRAIPSING ABOUT IDIOTICALLY. HARRY IS TRYING HIS DAMNEDEST NOT TO SCREAM.
GEORGE: I wonder who made us lose that rutabega.
FRED: He was a wanker, either way.
RON: Cheers!
FRED and GEORGE: Hee!
HARRY finally gives in and screams. Immediately (in fact, almost simultaneously), the heinously painful screeches of the DEATH EATERS are heard.
FX: Some overdramatic pipe organ chords. Maybe PHANTOM OF THE OPERA was playing during filming and the sound got spliced in.
RON starts to cry. Again.
FRED: Obviously, the only way to escape the Clutches of Evil is to flee across the English Channel to the small, merry, and oftentimes inebriated town of Bree! Everyone knows that evil hates water!
HARRY: (nervously) Doesn't evil love drunken revelry, though?
GEORGE: Well, yes. But it hates water more!
HARRY: (weakly) Oh.
DEATH EATERS suddenly appear, although their screams sounded from miles away only a few moments ago.
RON, HARRY, and GEORGE: Eeeee!
FRED: Quick! To the rickety raft thing! I mean the ferry!
They follow FRED's suggestion. HARRY stops to tie his shoe and lags behind in a key dramatic moment.
FX: SCARY MUSIC coupled with the nearly-intimidating-but-not-quite HISSING of the DEATH EATERS.
HARRY: (wailing) I want my mum!
RON: (wailing) I want my Gaffer!
FRED: (screaming) I want you to get on the boat!
GEORGE's next words are lost in the screaming of HARRY, RON, and FRED.
GEORGE: Is it bad that I just soiled myself?
HARRY leaps onto the boat. This, of course, is extra-important and requires...
FX: SUSPENSEFULLY ORCHESTRATED MUSIC.
DEATH EATERS: Hiss! Spit! Hchakkk-pshhhhh! (hissing noises)
HARRY: So we're in Bree now.
RON: That didn't take long.
FRED: Can it, Ronwise! We have to deal with Argus Filch, the notoriously creepy and smelly gatekeeper of Bree!
FILCH: Arrr. I'm creepy. What be your business in these parts? You look to short to be from around here. That's suspicious.
HARRY: Our business is our own! As is our height!
FILCH: Arrr, well then. I guess you can come in.
Despite Fred's assurances that Bree is a merry place, it looks dark and creepy. Very dark, in fact, and very creepy.
FRED: Isn't this lovely? Let's go get smashed.
GEORGE: Yes, let's.
HARRY: Ah, the Inn of the Frolicksome Yeti! Just as Dumbledore described!
FRED: Can we get smashed here?
They enter THE INN OF THE FROLICKSOME YETI. It is equally dark and creepy as the rest of BREE.
FRED: I have drunk but three sips of this delicious mead, but with my small, hobbit body, I have become completely wasted! (screaming) Harry Potter is sitting at my table!
HARRY: No!
HARRY trips on the same shoelace he tied before getting on the ferry, with the same dark import of most his movements. Magically, the ONE HAT flies out of his pocket and finds its way onto his head.
There is a collective gasp.
HARRY sees VOLDEMORT's creepy red eyes amidst the creepy mist in which he finds himself, and yanks the ONE HAT from his head.
Far away, the DEATH EATERS screech. Again.
All the PATRONS in THE INN OF THE FROLICKSOME YETI have forgotten about his strange disappearance and have already turned back to their drinks. Huh.
HARRY: Well, that was weird.
FRED: Sorry, Harry. I'm drunk, you know.
HARRY: I think you're just stupid, actually.
FRED: Well, that would make more sense.
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: I am shrouded in dark clothing and I am making you my prisoner!
The MYSTERIOUS STRANGER grabs HARRY by his collar and yanks him away. FRED stares dumbly after them before returning to the table where RON and GEORGE still sit.