As a single, long-legged, long-haired blond beauty, who would
have imagined I would one day become the object of love of the
wealthiest and hottest man in the world? It all began when I took
a plane to Luxembourg for no reason at all. I stepped off the
plane, caught a taxi into the middle of town, and began aimlessly
to wander the quaint streets of what would one day become my home
(or so I was to find out later). I had walked in a daze for only
a short while before I literally bumped into my destiny. This
"destiny" happened to come in the form of a tall, blond
man, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit and Gucci shoes, with
a beautiful smile full of sparkling white teeth and eyes as blue-green
as the heavens during hurricane season, with that distinctive
touch of gray pollution in the air. While apologizing profusely
to the man for accidentally bumping him and knocking him into
a puddle of wet goo, I noticed something in his eyes...could it
be...yes. Yes, it was desire for the one and only me.
He eyed me closely, first perusing my gorgeous body, then my gorgeous face, my gorgeous hair, and listening to my better-than-gorgeous voice. I couldn't imagine what he saw in little ol' me, but here he was, desiring away.
He began, "I'm Alexander Lucard. And who is this treasure before me?"
"Anna Fantanasana. Pleasure to meet such a hottie such as yourself."
He laughed a perfect laugh before responding, "I'm equally pleasured, Ms. Fantanasana." He had such a delicious, odd accent I simply had to comment.
"Your accent is so unique...so utterly unplaceable. Where are you from?" His demeanor changed suddenly to irritated and very annoyed.
"My accent is perfectly placeable! How can you not tell where I'm from based on my accent?? I worked for MONTHS on this accent! YEARS even!! Can't you tell I'm originally from Transylvania and learned English from reading books?!"
Startled by his clearly insane response, I answered, "I do apologize Mr. Lucard. It's absolutely obvious to me now. You have a perfect accent, I promise. I've never been very good at these sorts of things, you know."
Placated by my lie, the blond continued on. "You are a vision of beauty Ms. Fantanasana, and I simply must have you," quickly adding, "over to dinner, I mean. Yes, dinner." Intrigued by his perfect ass and hoping to see quite a bit more of it, I agreed.
"Now, before I come tonight, I feel compelled to ask your intentions towards me. While I'm no pillar of virtue myself, I can't have everyone thinking I'm totally easy and a skank-ho, even if I am."
"My lovely dear, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you. Because of this, I feel I must tell you something. I am a vampire. Dracula in fact. Yes, yes it's true. The one and only Dracula. Dracula himself, Dracula The Man. Dracula, the one who is worshipped by all women everywhere and most men, including myself. And although I should normally want to suck you dry, I have an inexplicable love for you. I've loved you ever since I met you two minutes ago. Yes, for that long. You never knew, but I've loved you from the start. Ms. Anna Fantanasana, you are my future, my destiny."
"Ha! Destiny? That's what I said! How about that!"
"Please shut up. I'm not finished."
"Sorry."
"Anna, I love you. You are everything I've ever wanted or needed in my life or unlife or undeath, or whatever the hell you call it. Anna...will you please do me the distinct honor," and getting down on one knee, "of being my wife (until I tire of you, kill you, and feed your corpse to the hounds)?"
"What was that last part?"
"Um, nothing."
"Well Alexander, while I also love you, I don't feel right now is the best time for this. I'm currently dating two guys already, and trying to score with the bagboy at Albertson's. I simply can't be tied down to a husband right now. However, if you'd like to just go a round or two tonight, I..."
Lucard interrupted, "NO! If I have you, I must have all of you all at once all the time every damn minute. I'm just that possessive. Don't make me beg Anna, it isn't becoming to a man of my stature."
"Beg for it blood boy."
Transitioning from a kneel to down on both knees, and then on all fours, the vampire sobbed, "Please Anna! I love you more than anything! Marry me or I'll implode, I swear!"
"Damn, you're kinda creepy, even for such a hottie."
I turned and walked away, only to notice I was dragging an extra 170 pounds. A policeman stopped me, eyeing the spectacle before him, and calmly asked, "Do you need help ma'am?"
"No, I'm fine officer."
"But you've got a man attached to your ankles...and he's biting one of them."
"No, no, I've got the situation well under control. But I thank you for your concern."
With great effort, I struggled to make my way to a hotel several miles away, Lucard in tow via my ankles the whole way. I could hear him screaming behind me, "Please Anna! This is ridiculous! Surely you can see you love me and I love you and we should be married! And you're tearing up my suit and I look like hell! PLEASE!"
I stopped at the entrance to the hotel to turn and finally respond. But as I looked down on his dirty and bloody face, his eyes tearing up from specs of gravel that had gotten in them, his hair full of dust from the streets, I saw before me the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
"Oh Alexander! I've been such a fool! Of course I'll marry you!"
He attempted to get up, but crumpled into a fetal position, groaning with pain. I waited for him to get his act together, and finally after ten minutes, he struggled to stand before me. I threw my arms around his neck, sending seething pain rippling through his entire frame. He cried out in agony, especially when I insisted he carry me home to his castle. We made it two steps before he collapsed, and let out a disturbing, unidentifiable sound when my body landed on top of his, crushing two ribs. Thoroughly annoyed, but still madly in love, I called for a taxi, dragged his worthless ass into the car, and we sped off towards "our" home. He finally regained consciousness after the cabdriver helped me dump him on his front steps.
He managed to squeak out, "Darling, please stop kicking me there. I'm awake now."
Pleased my "helping" had done the trick, I picked up my cellphone and proceeded with wedding plans at once. In the mean time, Lucard's sad excuses for zombies had collected his tattered body and hauled it indoors, depositing on the kitchen table where it would be well out of the way. When he could walk again, he limped to the Great Hall, where servants, caterers, decorators, and flowererers were already well on task, all the while I was directing and demanding away.
"Alexander!" I squealed with glee as I rushed to his arms. Stopping me before I could full-body tackle him, he instead gently kissed my forehead.
"It looks lovely my dear. When is this blessed event to occur?"
"Two hours. You're going to stop limping by then, aren't you? It isn't sexy at all."
"I'll certainly do my best, my love. Who's coming?"
"Well, everyone I've ever met for my side, including my mother who hates Europeans. I had a bit more difficult time with yours though. Someone named Gustav something-or-other helped me a great deal, however. He was just hanging around outside your place, so I assumed he must be a good friend of yours. He's your Best Man, by the way."
"Uh..."
"He was so pleased to be asked, too Alexander! He got very excited and ran home and returned with his whole adorable family, along with bags and bags of what he said would make the 'perfect wedding gift for you'. Wasn't that sweet?"
"Uh, Anna...."
"He also told me to make sure to invite your good friends, Nosferatu, Dr. Cross, and your coworker, Klaus."
"DAMMIT!"
"Don't swear in front of the priest, Alexander. Oh, and speaking of which, the priest here had a few more priests come by and exorcise the place. They said it was just riddled with evil things."
"AHHHHHHHHGGGGGG!!!!"
"Oh, for heaven's sake Alexander, you needn't be so melodramatic about everything. And take that silly stake away from your chest. You're not getting out of this wedding that easily. Besides, you could put someone's eye out with that. Now give it to me. Alexander, give me the stake. Give it to me. Now. GIVE IT TO ME!"
*POOF*
"Well darn.... OK then everyone, party's over. Get out."
And so ended my destiny with my love, my dream, my hottest-ass-ever creature of the night. I shall never forget him for as long as another man never walks in front of me...oh hey there....
"Hey Klaus! Over here!!"
THE END.