More blushing?
Tsuzuki adjusted and got into a more comfortable position, but his mind was racing and his heart beating faster. This was too good to be true, this was unbelievable luck. He had to wonder if his luck would last much longer. He had to ask.
"...You alright with this?"
Hisoka nodded. "I trust you. I know you wouldn't hurt me." His eyes avert to the floor. He wasn't used to being so close, even if he wanted and agreed to it. "But I'm still kind of nervous..."
This made Tsuzuki feel much easier, so he smiled and tried his best to ease Hisoka's feelings as well. "That's alright... I said I wanted to cuddle, and that's all. I'm not about to push you..."
As soon as he said that he started to feel guilty. "I'm not even sure I should've kissed you..." he said, twiddling with his thumbs nervously.
Hisoka could feel the usual guilty thoughts crawling between them, and he wasn't about to take that. "Don't berate over that. You meant what you said, didn't you? And you wanted to show me how you felt," he emphasized his point by poking Tsuzuki with one finger.
"...yes. You're right, as usual," Tsuzuki sighed. "You're so smart, Hisoka," he continued as he leaned forward. "...and I still think your eyes are pretty..." He gave in to the urge to touch that delicate face, gently rolling his fingers across the jawline.
Hisoka wasn't sure how to take in all this attention, so he settled for a simple thank you. He could feel his face growing hot again, but this time he wasn't quite sure why. There was this multitude of foreign feelings warring over him, the heat from his face traveling across his body, making his stomach tingle with little butterflies.
"...so beautiful..." Tsuzuki said as he slowly cupped the chin in his palm and guided their lips back together. His worries flew away as he heard a silent sigh escape Hisoka's mouth in content.
As he flicked his tongue briefly over slightly parted lips, another concern came to his mind, and he immediately pulled off. "Is your empathy...?" he asked, trying his best not to touch the warm skin so close to his hovering hands.
"It's okay..." Hisoka assured him, taking the hesitating hand in his own and closing his eyes. "I...I want to feel all of you..."
Tsuzuki's eyes widened. "You really trust me that much?" Even the thought was so overwhelming he had to rest his head into the crook of Hisoka's neck, their intertwined hands sliding to the couch for support. "I... have wanted this... for so long..." His enveloped hand grabbed the fabric of Hisoka's shirt, and the other snaked up to stroke the coppery hair.
Hisoka understood perfectly. The indecision, the fear and the struggle it was to open up to each other. His thumb found the knuckles of Tsuzuki's clenched fist, and while he absently caressed them he realized he was talking again.
"Mmmm... I... did too... It's just... I keep remembering what happened then..." His throat felt tight all of a sudden and he had to fight the tears prickling his eyes away. Why do I have to think about that? When I have this…
Tsuzuki noticed the sudden bout of sadness, the subtle way Hisoka's head turned away, and the smallest sob trying to find a way out. He continued petting his hair, desperate to make the memories fade.
" ...hey, it's alright... As I said, I'm fine just like this ...I love you." One more kiss pressed to the head he was cradling, and he wondered how he could say that so much easier now.
"I know, but... I... I want to know..."
"Know what?" Tsuzuki turned so he could look into his eyes. "You can ask me anything."
Hisoka shook his head. 'What is it exactly that I want to know? That I'm not worthless? That someone cares for me? What it's like to be with someone that you deeply care for?'
"I'm not sure how to explain... I..." he finally started, but stopped short, chewing his lower lip in a nervous gesture.
Tsuzuki thought he might know what it was, but it was better to have him say it. It should all be up to Hisoka only, and he didn't want to be even remotely pushy. So he rubbed his thumbs over Hisoka's cheek, drawing them closer together. "...Yes?" he asked, not a hint of demand in his voice. Just silent assurance, that he'd be there and listening, no matter how long it took.
Hisoka took a deep breath, readying to say what his heart had already decided. "I want to know what it's like to... be with someone you love... That's probably a selfish thing to ask for..." He turned away again. Out of embarrassment or shame, he wasn't sure.
Tsuzuki felt relieved it was what he thought, and not something worse. "Well then, we're both selfish. But you deserve it." This was the moment to express his feelings. "Never think you're not worth it. To me, you are," he said as he reached for another kiss.
"And you should take your own advice too. You deserve it just as much as anyone. Maybe even more..." Hisoka countered, letting a small smile slip past his lips and snuggling closer. This was so good, he wanted to get even closer, so close they could be all the same.
Tsuzuki hoisted the lithe body crawling over him to his lap in one effortless move. Hisoka's so light, he thought. "Hmm. Might just try that. Meanwhile, I have this other problem."
"What do you mean?" Hisoka stared up at him, confusion written on his face.
Tsuzuki smiled: "I have the sweetest thing ever in front of me, and I have no clue what to do. Or I do, but I'm afraid I'll scare him off." He couldn't help himself from fidgeting a little.
"Hmph, you haven't scared me off yet, dummy," Hisoka looked at him in exasperation. Turning completely serious he continued: "You won't scare me off, no matter what you do. Just tell me what you want to do..."
Tsuzuki felt even worse with his nerves. Did this boy think he could just tell him everything? With trembling fingers he inched up Hisoka's shirt, sliding his hand across the milky pale skin. "This, for example...and this..." he murmured and met the soft lips again, now with more force and passion in his moves.
"Mmmm, I don't remember saying show me..." Hisoka managed to quip before he was engulfed in the kiss, his mouth moving with some uncertainty, but still delving deeper, making him shiver.
Tsuzuki pulled off a bit to smirk back. "But it's so much more effective." Tilt of head, and he felt like melding into the soft warmth. 'God how I want this... please don't let this be just another daydream....'
Hisoka mimicked his moves. Who knew kissing could feel this exciting? And his place on Tsuzuki's lap, the way his clumsy moves had a noticeable effect, it all gave him a strange boost of confidence. "Mmm, so you admit you daydream about this happening quite often?" he inquired, playful and curious.
This caught Tsuzuki off guard. He already forgot Hisoka could read his thoughts now even easier when they were flush against each other. "Why you need to ask, you seem to know everything anyway," he feigned nonchalance, "Yes, yes I have. And I believe you have noticed every damn time too." He snuggled their cheeks and whispered: "It is my favourite daydream..."
Hisoka noticed the fake irritation and almost cracked a smile. "I asked because I like hearing it come from your lips, not just your thoughts... And... I noticed every damn time because you're so vocal with your thoughts." Like that French maid thing, now if that wasn't obvious then what is?
So he smirked and urged him: "'Tell' me about your daydream..."
"Aww, you just like my sexy voice, don't you?" Tsuzuki teased, wiggling his eyebrows. "Hmm, this is usually when I get rid of this," he pointed at the shirt, still more or less on Hisoka.
"Hmph, if whining about sweets most of the time counts as sexy..." he tried to sound annoyed, but figured it was pointless. If his voice, damn the jumping, didn't do it then his eyes, a twinkle of amusement playing in them, did. "And how do you get rid of that, hmm?"
Tsuzuki put on his most overstated pout and raised his voice an octave higher to contradict his words: "I do not whine!" Noting the laughter still playing in his partner's eyes, he felt more confident to continue. "Sometimes there's buttons, and I open them slowly... other times there isn't, and that's when I do this," he said as he ran his hands up, lifting the shirt further and placing small nipping kisses to the areas exposed. "And I usually do this, too," he muttered as he gave a quick lick to one pert nipple. The shirt was off in a second, flung somewhere far away and never thought of again.
Hisoka gasped. That was the most thrilling move yet! He shivered as he thought how much better it could get. He just needed to convince Tsuzuki to continue. "And now what?"
Tsuzuki grinned. "...Now, I'm going to enjoy all those little gasps you make. But, I guess you could help me a bit by getting up on your knees."
Hisoka blinked once but did as he was instructed. "And?" His thoughts were calmer he expected. 'It's funny... I never let anyone have this much control over me willingly. But with him...'
"And... don't you think these are a bit too tight to be comfortable?" Tsuzuki answered, pointing at Hisoka's jeans. He let the thought immerse and enjoyed this moment rubbing the covered thighs. Up and down, slowly and gently.
The reality of their situation hit Hisoka again. He started to tremble, and he kept telling it was just his nerves. Then he shook his head to clear it up. 'No! I won't let what HE did ruin this! This is Tsuzuki... He wouldn't hurt me...'
When Tsuzuki noticed the trembling he grew very concerned. 'Damn, should have remembered how sensitive he really is.' He cleared his throat and put as much calmness in his voice as possible in his current state. "Ahh, take your time. Would it be better to lay down?"
"Maybe..." Hisoka nodded, still not completely clearheaded but getting there. 'Did I mess this up now...?'
"Okay." He settled them down beside each other, the couch feeling smaller than before. "I'm sorry for being so hasty," he said, running circles around Hisoka's chest with one finger. "I guess I got carried away."
The waves of guilt crashed against Hisoka's mind, and he had to concentrate to avoid being pulled in that treacherous sea. Great, now he thinks it's his fault, he thought. "You don't have to apologize. I...I'm just afraid..." he managed to say, but in his mind he continued: 'Of what, I'm not sure... Of... Pain? Being left alone after opening myself to him? Or maybe of what will things be after this?'
Tsuzuki turned them so they faced each other again. Breathing deep, he figured he ought to let his heart speak, it had always been more eloquent than his fickle mind. "Wanna know a secret, Hisoka? I'm afraid too. But I have just realized, that being scared doesn't help, avoiding things don't make them go away. I want to take that leap with you, just jump off the damn cliff and see where we land. I tried, I tried to ignore my feelings, I tried to go on... Well. I will wait for you no matter how long it takes, and I will do everything I can to help you... to make you feel better..." He sighed and held Hisoka tighter. 'Catch you when you fall. Dry your tears. Soothe your pain. As long as I can be there. Anything.'
To his surprise, Hisoka decided to speak as well. "I did that too, Tsuzuki... I didn't want to be close to anyone in my life. I was afraid of being hurt... I still am, but not because you'll hurt me... But... This feeling is so strong and if something ever happened to you..." The mere thought was too hard to put into words. 'I don't know what I would do... Or how I would go on if you suddenly disappeared...' Bringing his hand up to caress Tsuzuki's cheek, he came to his conclusion. "I need you because... I love you... And I want to show you how much I love you..."
Content and relief mixing in his mind Tsuzuki leaned into the caress, squishing the anxiety those words raised. "You don't need to prove anything. But if you want it anyway..." He took the palm and brought it to his lips. He wasn't sure which possibility unnerved him more, going further or staying like this.
"I know... But I want this... I want to know what it's like with love... I want to be even closer to you... I want... you..." Hisoka felt the damned blush reflex again. Now that didn't make him more believable.
...and the rest is up in
www.rautalanka.net/rinoa/
and it's very, very LEMON! We are paranoid you see. I tell you people, it was the hardest lemon I've ever written. Hope it's good enough for you ^_^