Torn
By Ayaka
As I sit alone in the park, I can't help but envy the kids I see who are playing happily under the sun. They are full of laughter and are problem free. They are unmindful of the future. Their sole concern is to live through each day and enjoy as though good times would never end. As I watch them play, I can't help but remember my childhood days that were full of happiness and sweet memories.
A past that's full of happiness that I wish I could live on forever.
When I was seven years old, my family moved to a new house. It was then and there that I met the kindest and most caring boy in the whole world. It was the time when I met the one man I would soon grow to love and be my best friend.
I was new in the neighborhood and I know that it would be a long time for me to find new friends. After I got out of our car, I surveyed the surroundings as I tried to look for kids whom I could easily be friends with. A tree house caught my eyes and when I looked up, I became mesmerized with the blue eyes that locked with mine. He was inside a tree house and he was staring at me with a kind expression and a friendly interest.
The boy called out to me and asked me if I wanted to come up of the tree house. Grabbing the opportunity to gain a friend and meet the owner of those beautiful eyes, I climbed the tree as fast as I quickly said yes. The moment my feet reached the floor of the tree house, I saw in front of me a boy with the looks of an angel and with the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. The boy held out his hand and told me that his name was Eriol. I gave him my name and told him that I was Tomoyo. He told me that he was lonely because his best friend has just moved out and that he was bored because he had no one to play with. I sympathized with him and told him that I could be his best friend and that we could do all things that his best friend and he could do together. He quickly agreed and from then on we became the best of friends.
Time quickly passed by and it was just like yesterday when we became friends. It was just like yesterday when we were little kids who knows not how to do calculus and algebra and who only knew of climbing trees, catching frogs, eating food and playing like there's no tomorrow. But now, we are teenagers. Our wonderful past now seemed like a shadow of the present. Ten long years of great friendship has passed and it was ten long years of golden memories that I keep treasured in my heart.
It's amazing how time flies so fast. It's amazing too, how my love for Eriol blossomed from a small bud to a beautiful flower each day I was with him. At first, I thought it was just a simple crush case. I thought that I am merely having a crush on my best friend because he's so kind and all. But then there came a time when I couldn't stop thinking about Eriol. Instances came when I feel like the world stops and I couldn't really breathe just because he's around. Times came when I was dreaming of him and me together as a couple, with Eriol saying words of endearments to my ears. I began having the feeling of wanting to be by his side all the time. Once when we were having a Saturday swim and he carried me towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I felt secured. It was like as if I could lie in his arms and be with him forever. I just wanted that moment to continue; hoping it would never end. I then realized I had fallen in love with my best friend.
I tried to deny my feelings towards him a lot of times for I knew it was stupid. I never told him how I feel because I was scared of what might happen. He'd probably ignore my feelings and just tell me that he sees me as his sister and nothing else. And hearing that is the one thing I wouldn't want to experience for it will break me apart. Another reason is that I'm afraid that telling him of my feelings will only destroy our friendship and therefore it meant losing him. I'd rather continue having him as a friend than lose him so I just kept my feelings quite under control.
Since I couldn't tell him how I feel, I tried to make him notice me as a woman capable to love and be loved. I tried to please him in everyway and to catch his attention by dressing up splendidly whenever he's around. I tried to give him signs that I was having a crush on him to encourage him in the least but still it had no effect. I tried to figure out whether he loves me or not in a romantic way by but all was in vain. There never was a sign. He was as kind, caring, thoughtful and loving - just as he's always been to his BEST FRIEND.
This was freaking me out. It seems like all my efforts are futile and it drives me angry. Sometimes, I wonder whether it is just my shortcoming. Other boys look at me, admire me and tell me that I'm the one they love. They give me flowers, chocolates and teddy bears while professing their love to me. Couldn't Eriol see me as a woman and not as his best friend?
Because of my infuriation, I decided to turn to somebody else. I decided not to waste my time on Eriol and to give one of my suitors a chance. I had to forget Eriol. Otherwise, being with him while feeling something for him will only drive me insane. Turning on somebody else wouldn't hurt a bit, would it? I wouldn't lose anything anyway. It wouldn't hurt to try to experiment on my feelings. If ever my feelings for him wouldn't go away, this might make him jealous and that might make him notice me.
I chose the best candidate. He was George, the school basketball team captain and the popular senior heartthrob of our school. He had been pursuing me with honest interest for quite sometime now and I decided to give him his chance. He is very much like Eriol in most ways. He is handsome with those emerald eyes that could mesmerize any girl he looks at. He is fair and his cute lips seem to be irresistible to look at. Like Eriol, he is kind and caring. He is polite and thoughtful. He always carries my books for me. He treats me to dinner most of the time. He never left my side and he always tells me words of endearment. Any other girl in my position would have screamed and thanked God profusely for giving George in their life. Ironic as it may seem, I don't feel the way other girls might have felt if they were in my place. Yes, George was kind, sweet and caring. He does all the right things at exactly the right time but still there seem to be some things lacking. All of my friends are telling me that I'm an idiot for not reciprocating George's love. But what could I do? I simply just don't feel the same like he does for me. All because he's simply not Eriol.
I decided to cut this farce I'm in. It's not fair to me and neither it is to George. I just couldn't bring to cheat him and myself that our relationship could go on forever. I don't love him and that's the truth. I couldn't go on and cheat this honest man forever. So I decided to end this.
I tried to talk to George after his basketball practice. I had everything set up. I had prepared everything I have to say. I would tell him how I really feel. I would tell him that our relationship just won't work and that this had to be ended. I would tell him that it's Eriol that I love and that I'm really sorry.
I waved at him and he waved back. He was tired and full of sweat. As he approached me, he smiled at me with those kind eyes and said, "You know, I was tired and all but when you appeared, I just seem to have my strength back." He gave me a kiss on the cheek and afterwards said, "Thanks for being here."
I was rendered shocked and speechless. And suddenly, I was feeling awfully guilty for what I'm about to do. A while ago, I just had my resolve fixed that I will tell him everything. But now, I just couldn't bring myself to say those words in his face. He was too kind to be hurt and he loved me too much and too honestly that I couldn't bring myself to hurt him.
This was karma. This was payment for playing with my heart and his.
Since I couldn't bring myself to tell him everything, I just told him that I had forgotten something and that I needed to go home. He agreed and so I went home.
Now as I sit alone under a tree while watching kids play under the afternoon daylight, I can't help but wish that I could just be as problem free and happy like them. I wish I wouldn't have to be confronted with this problem of being torn apart between my lover and the one I love.
I start to hum a song as I think things out. I love Eriol but I have no idea if he will love me back. If I turn to him and just accept that I will only be his best friend, my heart will suffer and I might go insane. If I remain with George, I wouldn't be happy and I would just feel awfully guilty for not loving him back.
I'm being torn apart and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know who I am supposed choose. Shall I choose the one I love or the one who loves me?
The wind utters a lullaby into my ears. Laughter is borne in the air. The golden afternoon rays plays peacefully on my skin. The sun sets with its firm decision.
Life truly is full of its ironies. I wish I could flow with the wind and remain as carefree and happy as I had been.
As I sit alone in the park, I can't help but envy the kids I see who are playing happily under the sun. They are full of laughter and are problem free. They are unmindful of the future. Their sole concern is to live through each day and enjoy as though good times would never end. As I watch them play, I can't help but remember my childhood days that were full of happiness and sweet memories.
A past that's full of happiness that I wish I could live on forever.
When I was seven years old, my family moved to a new house. It was then and there that I met the kindest and most caring boy in the whole world. It was the time when I met the one man I would soon grow to love and be my best friend.
I was new in the neighborhood and I know that it would be a long time for me to find new friends. After I got out of our car, I surveyed the surroundings as I tried to look for kids whom I could easily be friends with. A tree house caught my eyes and when I looked up, I became mesmerized with the blue eyes that locked with mine. He was inside a tree house and he was staring at me with a kind expression and a friendly interest.
The boy called out to me and asked me if I wanted to come up of the tree house. Grabbing the opportunity to gain a friend and meet the owner of those beautiful eyes, I climbed the tree as fast as I quickly said yes. The moment my feet reached the floor of the tree house, I saw in front of me a boy with the looks of an angel and with the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. The boy held out his hand and told me that his name was Eriol. I gave him my name and told him that I was Tomoyo. He told me that he was lonely because his best friend has just moved out and that he was bored because he had no one to play with. I sympathized with him and told him that I could be his best friend and that we could do all things that his best friend and he could do together. He quickly agreed and from then on we became the best of friends.
Time quickly passed by and it was just like yesterday when we became friends. It was just like yesterday when we were little kids who knows not how to do calculus and algebra and who only knew of climbing trees, catching frogs, eating food and playing like there's no tomorrow. But now, we are teenagers. Our wonderful past now seemed like a shadow of the present. Ten long years of great friendship has passed and it was ten long years of golden memories that I keep treasured in my heart.
It's amazing how time flies so fast. It's amazing too, how my love for Eriol blossomed from a small bud to a beautiful flower each day I was with him. At first, I thought it was just a simple crush case. I thought that I am merely having a crush on my best friend because he's so kind and all. But then there came a time when I couldn't stop thinking about Eriol. Instances came when I feel like the world stops and I couldn't really breathe just because he's around. Times came when I was dreaming of him and me together as a couple, with Eriol saying words of endearments to my ears. I began having the feeling of wanting to be by his side all the time. Once when we were having a Saturday swim and he carried me towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I felt secured. It was like as if I could lie in his arms and be with him forever. I just wanted that moment to continue; hoping it would never end. I then realized I had fallen in love with my best friend.
I tried to deny my feelings towards him a lot of times for I knew it was stupid. I never told him how I feel because I was scared of what might happen. He'd probably ignore my feelings and just tell me that he sees me as his sister and nothing else. And hearing that is the one thing I wouldn't want to experience for it will break me apart. Another reason is that I'm afraid that telling him of my feelings will only destroy our friendship and therefore it meant losing him. I'd rather continue having him as a friend than lose him so I just kept my feelings quite under control.
Since I couldn't tell him how I feel, I tried to make him notice me as a woman capable to love and be loved. I tried to please him in everyway and to catch his attention by dressing up splendidly whenever he's around. I tried to give him signs that I was having a crush on him to encourage him in the least but still it had no effect. I tried to figure out whether he loves me or not in a romantic way by but all was in vain. There never was a sign. He was as kind, caring, thoughtful and loving - just as he's always been to his BEST FRIEND.
This was freaking me out. It seems like all my efforts are futile and it drives me angry. Sometimes, I wonder whether it is just my shortcoming. Other boys look at me, admire me and tell me that I'm the one they love. They give me flowers, chocolates and teddy bears while professing their love to me. Couldn't Eriol see me as a woman and not as his best friend?
Because of my infuriation, I decided to turn to somebody else. I decided not to waste my time on Eriol and to give one of my suitors a chance. I had to forget Eriol. Otherwise, being with him while feeling something for him will only drive me insane. Turning on somebody else wouldn't hurt a bit, would it? I wouldn't lose anything anyway. It wouldn't hurt to try to experiment on my feelings. If ever my feelings for him wouldn't go away, this might make him jealous and that might make him notice me.
I chose the best candidate. He was George, the school basketball team captain and the popular senior heartthrob of our school. He had been pursuing me with honest interest for quite sometime now and I decided to give him his chance. He is very much like Eriol in most ways. He is handsome with those emerald eyes that could mesmerize any girl he looks at. He is fair and his cute lips seem to be irresistible to look at. Like Eriol, he is kind and caring. He is polite and thoughtful. He always carries my books for me. He treats me to dinner most of the time. He never left my side and he always tells me words of endearment. Any other girl in my position would have screamed and thanked God profusely for giving George in their life. Ironic as it may seem, I don't feel the way other girls might have felt if they were in my place. Yes, George was kind, sweet and caring. He does all the right things at exactly the right time but still there seem to be some things lacking. All of my friends are telling me that I'm an idiot for not reciprocating George's love. But what could I do? I simply just don't feel the same like he does for me. All because he's simply not Eriol.
I decided to cut this farce I'm in. It's not fair to me and neither it is to George. I just couldn't bring to cheat him and myself that our relationship could go on forever. I don't love him and that's the truth. I couldn't go on and cheat this honest man forever. So I decided to end this.
I tried to talk to George after his basketball practice. I had everything set up. I had prepared everything I have to say. I would tell him how I really feel. I would tell him that our relationship just won't work and that this had to be ended. I would tell him that it's Eriol that I love and that I'm really sorry.
I waved at him and he waved back. He was tired and full of sweat. As he approached me, he smiled at me with those kind eyes and said, "You know, I was tired and all but when you appeared, I just seem to have my strength back." He gave me a kiss on the cheek and afterwards said, "Thanks for being here."
I was rendered shocked and speechless. And suddenly, I was feeling awfully guilty for what I'm about to do. A while ago, I just had my resolve fixed that I will tell him everything. But now, I just couldn't bring myself to say those words in his face. He was too kind to be hurt and he loved me too much and too honestly that I couldn't bring myself to hurt him.
This was karma. This was payment for playing with my heart and his.
Since I couldn't bring myself to tell him everything, I just told him that I had forgotten something and that I needed to go home. He agreed and so I went home.
Now as I sit alone under a tree while watching kids play under the afternoon daylight, I can't help but wish that I could just be as problem free and happy like them. I wish I wouldn't have to be confronted with this problem of being torn apart between my lover and the one I love.
I start to hum a song as I think things out. I love Eriol but I have no idea if he will love me back. If I turn to him and just accept that I will only be his best friend, my heart will suffer and I might go insane. If I remain with George, I wouldn't be happy and I would just feel awfully guilty for not loving him back.
I'm being torn apart and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know who I am supposed choose. Shall I choose the one I love or the one who loves me?
The wind utters a lullaby into my ears. Laughter is borne in the air. The golden afternoon rays plays peacefully on my skin. The sun sets with its firm decision.
Life truly is full of its ironies. I wish I could flow with the wind and remain as carefree and happy as I had been.