This is not, I repeat NOT, the fanfic I promised to write. My other fic is very different and much more... *ahem* polished then this. (This has to be put in the Genus Book of World Records: the first time an author ever put down her/his own work!) This fic however is just for my own enjoyment and hopefully yours too! Okey dokey??
Please read and review! If you do not then the Almighty Jasmine will unleash the wrath of Hell upon you, you villainous slacker curs! ................. A hehe. ^.^;; Umm ya sorry 'bout that; I really won't kill ya! Well not today anyway because its Saturday and I'm going shopping! Just leave a review k and make my day?? Tehehe.
Dislamer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING.......... Wow that was really depressing...........
Hyrule TV Shows
By ~*Princess J*~
Chapter One: Hyrule Court
There's a small courtroom with a witness stand and benches and all that stuff (Come on people, you've seen Judge Judy. Work with me here!). A bailiff stands to one side of the judge's chair, looking all scary and impressive like.
Bailiff Steve: Please all rise...
Suddenly some bad techno music begins to play and lights flash all around the room.
B.S.: For Juuuuddddggggeeee Jasmine!
I come running out wearing a purple satin robe (*GASP* Do you think I'd wear any ol' Judge robe? ^o^ Course not!). I'm moving my arm around in a circle like Arsenial Hall and all the jury do the same.
Jasmine: Whoop! Whoop! Let's give it up people!
Then the lights go back on and everyone sits down. I go to my stand.
Jasmine: Hey everyone and welcome to Hyrule Court! Or as I wanted to call it but the network decided it was a teenie bit too flashy, THE AMAZING JUDGE JASMINE SHOW STARING THE ALMIGHTY.... ME!! (o.O ... Whats wrong with that?)
Jasmine: Ahem now continuing on.... Up now we have a fabulous cooking recipe by Princess Zelda's own personal chief: Fried Zora in a wine sauce!
A little woman with a head piece in her ear comes up and whispers something to me.
Woman: Psh Psh Psh Psh............... Hsp
Jasmine: WHAT?? You have to be kidding me! This is no way to run a court room show! Get my agent on the phone!!
Woman: Psh Psh Psh............
Jasmine: *GASP* How dare you say that to ME!!!! My agent most certainly isn't up my O.O....... How is that even humanly possible?!
The woman shrugs and walks away.
Jasmine: Uh ya.... o_O;; Ok well there has been a little change of plans folks. It seems the Zora for our recipe chewed through its ropes and is now on the loose some place in the studio... I'm sure we will catch it soon though. I mean, how fast can it run with fins, right? Well anyway, while my staff looks for another Zora....
Immediatly all the Zoras in the audience sweat drop and duck under their benches.
Jasmine: ... We will just have to go on with our first case instead. Bailiff Steve, will you please bring in our first claim?
B.S.: Yes, your Honor.
Enters Princess Ruto and Link. They each take a stand, Ruto looking a little nervous.
Ruto: I would just like to say that I am not in any way an igrediant to your recipe understood? After all, everyone knows you can't cook royalty... We're too chewy!
Jasmine: *big fake smile* Yes of course, Princess! *Turning to my staff and whispering behind my hand* If she gets too annoying, she's in the pot, got it?
Ruto: HEY! I can hear you ya know? Gee you'd think there would be at least a half a brain requirment for judges now-a-days!
Jasmine: Would you prefer oragano or just a dash of pepper?
Ruto: o_o Eep! I'm shutting up now.
Jasmine: Thank you. Now on with the case! Plaintiff, please state your accustation.
Ruto: Well you see your honor, I am just a poor innocent victim...
Link: *rolling eyes* Ya right! And my left foot is President George W. Bush!
Jasmine: Oooo really? Doesn't he perfer to be called 'Dubya'?
Link: I'm not sure. Let me ask...
Link takes his shoe off and is about to talk to his foot.
Ruto: AHEM! We were about to listen to my sob story people!
Jasmine: ^-^;; Hehe. Ah yes, you may continue...
Ruto: Thank you. As I was saying, I was the one who was swindled...
Jasmine: Double-crossed!
Link: Duped!
Jasmine: Bamboozled!
Link: Hood-winked!
Jasmine: Fleece pulled over your eyes!
Ruto: PEOPLE! Lets concentrate on ME please!
Jasmine: Sorries again!
Ruto: ... Now like I was saying before I was so RUDELY and RANDOMLY interrupted... Link promised to marry me when we were younger. Since I was such a trusting girl, I gave him the Zora's Stone as a gift for our engagement... Which by the way, you never gave me any engagement present! .
Link: *gulp* ..... Its in the mail......
Ruto: For seven years, bucko?
Link: O blast those UPS guys! Curse them and their forsaken offspring! CURSES, CURSES! *Shouts and raises a fist overly dramatic like, wilts to the ground*
Ruto: O.O Uh ya... As I was saying... Now that we are older, that blonde bimbo refuses to marry me! Imagine, refusing to marry ME?
Jasmine: *flat, bored voice* Uh hu. A real crime. Cry me a river... So now you want the stone back, am I correct?
Ruto: No, I want mola! Lots of it too! I've had emotional distress ya know! I got all teary and smuged my mascara!
Jasmine: *GASP* I hate ruining my mascara! The fairy boy will pay with his life! ... O wait, can Zoras even wear mascara? Since, like you live in, uh, water?
Ruto: Waterproof Mascara by CoverFish - Not just for Hylians anymore.
Jasmine: Ooo....
Link: Um ladies, can I have a chance to argue my case?
Jasmine: O of course... *cough* mascara ruiner *cough*
Link: Excuse me?
Jasmine: ^_^ Nothing nothing... Proceed please.
Link: I admit I did take the stone from Ruto and kinda swore to marry her in seven years...
Jasmine: What did you say to her? "Well if I can have the stone, maybe... sorta... eventually I'll marry you?"
Link: Nope. I just had my fingers crossed behind my back! ^_~
Jasmine: Oooooohhh, a finger-crossing pact breaker? Impressive.
Ruto: *seeing red* Why you little son of a...
Jasmine: Hey watch it! This show comes on right after Barney so there are probably kids watching... Weirdo, druged-up kids... But still, show some manners!
Ruto: *Grumble* Jellybeans.
Jasmine: That's better! Now Link, why did you take the Zora stone in the first place if you didn't plan to marry Ruto?
Ruto: He's a floozy gold digger, that's why!
Link: Uh hello people!! I'm the Hero of Time, I took it to save all your sorry butts!!
Jasmine: o.o I'm kinda drawing a blank....
Link: A derrrr!! I had to collect all the stones to get the Triforce and save Hyrule from villanous evil!! Ring any bells?!
Jasmine: ........ Nope, can't say it does. *Ding a ding ding ding ding....... and a ding* O wait, what's that I hear? A bell?
Tinkerbell flies by and she is drinking coffee and has a deep, old woman voice. Her hair isn't even blonde anymore, its gray.
Tinkerbell: Can't you tell its just me, youngin'? You'd think with your eyesight you'd be able to tell a fairy from a dagnabit bell when you saw one.
Jasmine: O sorries... The Disney studios is down the hall, Tinks!
Tinkerbell: Oye, I'm getting too old for all this flying! Go here, go there... When did they move the studio anyway?
Jasmine: o.O They didn't. This is the Hyrule Court studio, yours is down the hall...
Tinkerbell: Where am I? AND WHO ARE YOU? Your not that sales lady again are you? I told you, I DON'T want a subscription to Fairies Home Journal SO GET LOST, YOU VULTURE!
Jasmine: -__- ...Bailiff Steve, will you please escort Tinkerbell to the Disney studios?
B.S.: Sure, Judge Jasmine.
He grabs the little old fairy in his hand and she starts shouting as they leave about him hurting her kidneys.
Jasmine: I think it's time for her to retire. At age seventy-six, she's just not very adorable and pixie-like anymore. But I guess three packs a day and a bladder problem will do that to ya... So um ya anyways, where were we? A bell or something?
Link: @_@ I told you that I took Ruto's stone because I had to save Hyrule... Remember?
Jasmine: O ya, you were all like "Blah blah blah I'm a hero Blah blah blah". Now I remember.
Ruto: O please, just because you're the legendary Hero of Time and rescued the kingdom from a disastrous, ominous fate... doesn't mean you can break my heart!
Jasmine: Wow, is she always a cry baby like this?
Link: Yep pretty much.
Jasmine: Now I can see why you didn't want to marry her. She's always like "Waaaa! Me me me!"
Link: Yea, my therapist thinks she has emotional issues from being an only child but I think it has more to do with her being a big PAIN IN THE BUTT.
Ruto: Excuse me, I'm still in the room you know!
Jasmine: O I'm sorry! *Mumble* Would ya like some cheese to go with that whine, fish girl?
Ruto: Pardon me?!
Link: Why? You fart or something? Because if you did, I think you should have warned me first. I mean, I had my mouth open and everything... (Ok totally stolen from Shrek I admit! O please, like you never stole anything in your life, you haughty readers you!)
Jasmine and Ruto: Ewww! .... O.O Did we just say something in unison? AHHHHHH!!!! There, we did it again! O HOLY CHEESE AND CRACKERS!
Finally Ruto and I stop screaming.
Ruto: I'd like to call a witness to the stand, your Honor.
Jasmine: Alright, I guess you can since we have another 10 minutes to kill before the show is over. Bring 'em in!
A big slimy whale comes flopping into the courtroom. Everyone is speechless as Jabu-Jabu flops down the aisle and into the witness stand. He's weazing because he's out of breath and all. How he can be out of water I'm not even sure of......... o.O Well don't ask me alright! I'm not the one who called a big fat whale thingy into court, jeezum!!!!
Jabu-Jabu: *Little high pitched voice* Sorry it took me so long. The traffic was backed up all the way from Lon Lon Ranch, there was a rabid cucco in the road.
Jasmine: That's ok......... I guess........... Bailiff Steve, will you please swear in the witness? Hey, did you ever notice your initials are B.S.! HAHAHAHAHA........aha! Can I call you that, huh B.S.?
B.S.: *Not amused* --_-- No. I'd perfer it if you didn't.
Jasmine: Ok I won't say any B.S. Haha get it? I made a funny!
B.S.: I'm not joking, your Honor. I really don't like being called that.
Jasmine: O alright I understand. I'm sorry. Please continue.
B.S.: Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Bob?
JJ: Whose Bob?
B.S.: I think its the guy who made the jello pudding packs..........
JJ: Oh ok. Sure, I swear........... Mmmmmm jello............
The whale begins to drool and it floods the court room.
Jasmine: *Wearing a rain jacket and hat* Can you please not do that!!!!!!!!!!! I don't like getting hat hair! ^o^
JJ: O sorry. My bad.
Ruto: So where were you on the night of January 5th, 1992?
JJ: At Dennies...... Eating jello................ Mmmmmmmmm.......... *Salvates some more*
Jasmine: *In a row boat* I WARNED YOU! I'm giving you one more chance and then you're so outta here, bub!
JJ: ^.^;; Sorry again! Does anyone have a hankie? *I give him a hankie and he dabs at the sides of his mouth*
Ruto: Ok then, where were you on the night of April 11th, 1992?
JJ: I was in my cavern, sleeping like I always do. I remember I was dreaming of....... Jello!.............. Mmmm............... (Was anyone surprised by that?? *A guy with black hair in the last row raises his hand* ........Hmmmm ...... k...... YOU'RE DUMB!)
Jasmine: *Dumping out water from my boat with a bucket* O MY PANTS!!!!! Will you stop with the Jello! I ........ HATE......... JELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Disclaimer: In no way are the opinions expressed by my character in the story my own beliefs. In fact, I rather enjoy Jello. Jello is good, Jello is my terrific.......... So don't sue! All you'll get are lint balls and a penny! Unless you like lint balls and pennies.......... Then I guess you can sue. ^__^)
Bob, a fat bald guy (Who invented Jello, remember?!?! * A guy with black hair in the last row says "I don't remember.......". SHUTTUP YOU!), runs in and chucks Jello at my face. It bounces off my nose harmlessly and into Jabu- Jabu's awaiting mouth.
Jasmine: HEY!
Bob: You Jello racist!! Thats what you get! Jello will rule the earth one day, you'll see! YOU WILL ALL BE JELLO SLAVES!!!!!!!! MUA HAHAHAHAHA!!!! XD
Jasmine: o_O ........... Hmmm k? And I thought Jabu-Jabu was a lil obsessed........
JJ: *Licks lips* Yummmmm Jello, the lime flavored kind too. ^_^
Ruto: NOW back to my questioning! What happened on that night besides you sleeping, Jabu- Jabu?
JJ: O right...... Well I was sleeping, dreaming of.......
Jasmine: SHUDDAP! IF YOU SAY IT, YOU DIE, BLUBBER BOY!
JJ: ^o^;; EEP! Right well let's just say I was dreaming, when I burped.......
Jasmine: Ewwww yicky!
JJ: Well pardon me but you try having people run around inside YOUR tummy all day! ;_ ;
Jasmine: Eeee I'm sorries. Please continue.
JJ: And I woke up. Then I noticed two little kids talking.
Ruto: Who were these little children?
JJ: Well it was you, Princess Ruto, and a strange, blonde haired boy in green tights that I had never seen before.
Ruto: Hmmm..... Interesting. Would you describe the boy as being weak, unfashionable, and girly-looking?
JJ: Well.... Yes I suppose I would.
Ruto: *Getting all into this lawer thing and points towards Link* And would he just happen to look similiar to this man if he was aged seven years, Jabu-Jabu?
JJ: Yup I guess. I mean he still wears the same clothes............ o_o;; Which is creepy and nasty by the way.
Link: Hey! In no way am I weak, unfashionable, or girly-looking! And these are different clothes, I just happen to like the color green alrighty! I've grown a lot since I was seven ya kno!
Jasmine: ......................................... Sure .............................................. (Wow lookie the dots go!)
Link: _ Jerk!
Jasmine: Haha! When you scrunch your face up like that you look even more like a girl! *Talks like those beefed up SNL muscle guys* LINKY'S A LITTLE GIRLY-MAN!
Link: *grumble grumble*
Ruto: Jabu-Jabu, did you happen to see anything that transpired between Link and I in the lake?
Link: Objection, your Honor!
Jasmine: o.o Whats the matter? That seemed like a perfectly logical question if you ask me.
Link: --____--- ................... I don't like what she meant by transpired...
Jasmine: Ugh, YUCK!!!!! I'm sure she didn't mean anything sexual, right Ruto?
Ruto: *Looks around guiltily and whistles* Dum de dum dum...
Jasmine: *o* Dear Lord! BAD, BAD IMAGES!!!! For pete's sake, just answer the question Jabu-Jabu while I try and get that disgusting thought out of my head *Starts smacking my head*........ And remember no references to a certain gelatin substance OK?
JJ: OK....... I did see the two children talking and then the Princess gave our stone to the boy.
Ruto: A HA!!!!!!!!!!! NOW DO YOU SEE, DO YA?
Jasmine: See what? I don't see anything....... *Looks around*
Ruto: Grr I mean do you HEAR, you imbecile? That's proof that Link did take the Zora's Stone from me! *She starts to dance around and sing* LA LA LA! I DID IT, I DID IT!!!!!!! I'm the BESTEST little lawyer in the whole wide world!!!!! YAY!!!!
Jasmine: *Looking bored and very unimpressed* Well, really all that you proved was that you gave the stone to Link, but you never proved WHY you gave it to him. That's really the only thing I care about.
Ruto: DARN! Foiled again, AGAIN!!!! *She screams and melts to the floor like the wicked witch of the West* AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I'm meeelllllttiiiinnnnggggg!!!! .......... I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!
Link: _ Why'd you look at me when you said dog huh?
Jasmine: HAHAHAHAHA! ITS THE FACE AGAIN!!!
Link :Gr! _
JJ: *Staring at the puddle of Ruto on the floor* Mmmmmm............ She looks like blue Jello.........
Jasmine: THAT'S IT!!!!!!! OUT OF MY COURTROOM, YOU DROOLING DOLT!!!!!!!!!!! @o@
The big whale flops out of the courtroom and Bailiff Steve mops up Ruto.
Jasmine: The honorable Judge Jasmine........ Me! Yay! ^_^ ....... Has reached her verdict on this court case, Fish Girl vs Fairy Boy, and is ready to say her decision.......... But now! Here's a word from our sponsers!
*
Announcer: Do you suffer from the same problem as this poor man here?
The camera zooms in on Rauru sitting back in a Laz-E Boy recliner, stuffing his face full with greasy chicken wings and there are discarded boxes all around. Also a package of half-eaten donuts lies on his bulging stomach. Suddenly the old Sage lets one go and chokes/burps on the foul air.
Rauru: O BOY, I don't remember eating that..........
Announcer: Yes, that's right. I mean a.............. sloppy eater!
Chicken juice gurgles down his double chins and onto his robe.
Rauru: I can lick that off....... after.......... When I have the energy to move my head........
Announcer: ....... Or the medical term for such a disease: A PIG! Now however, there is a cure to this common illness that strikes 1 out of every 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 people. Introducing the Adult Bibe by We-Make-Pieces-Of-Crap-That-No-One-Will-Ever-Use Co!!!!!!!!!
Now it zooms back on to show Rauru with a big cloth bibe on, still eating as messy as ever.
Announcer: IF YOUR LIKE THIS GUY, IT'S THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRAYERS!!!! It's washable, just use your own saliva, and now comes in five attractive colors as well; pea soup, burnt lasagna, french fry grease, day old brownie smuge, and for a limited time only, sour milk! So run, or roll, down to your local convenient store today and say, "Hey, I want an Adult Bibe! ........ And if you don't give it to me, I'll rob you blind! ........... Have the cash all in 100 dollar bills and put them in my bag...... Niiiice and easy now. Don't try anything stupid and no one will get hurt........ Hey what's that you have in your han-...... "
Disclaimer: We-Make-Pieces-Of-Crap-That-No-One-Will-Ever-Use Co. is not responsible for any injuries that may occur due to our product or our campaing ads, such as loss of an eye, shooting off a leg, life in jail, and etc. No animals were harmed in the making of these bibes....... Well unless you count Rauru....... In that case, yes he was harmed......... Very, very badly.
*
A lady is applying powder to my face as I examine my nails and chew on bubble gum.
Jasmine: *New York accent, talking like Fran Dreschire from The Nanny...... You know, the annoying lady with the big poofy hair?!?!* Oye vey, they don't pay me enough for this. My hair has permanent drool damage now from that whack whale!!!!!! I told my agent I can't play a judge but would he listen? NOOOO!!!!! He promised I'd be the judge in the divorce trials of Tom Cruis and Nicole Kidman! Did that ever happen? NOOOOO -
Cameraman: Uh we're on the air, Jasmine.....
Jasmine: *Looking up into the camera with a surprsied look and my gum falls out of my mouth* O.O...... O YES OF COURSE WE ARE! Ha ha wasn't that a funny skit?!? Had you fooled huh? * *Talking all normal now, I push the makeup lady away and she screams as she falls to the ground. I fluff my hair* WELL now before my ruling do either of you have anything to say?
Ruto: I do, your Honor........ Link, what are you doing this Saturday?
Link: o.O Huh? You're suing me REMEMBER?! You called me a blonde bimbo gold digger!!!!!
Ruto: Hehe. So what's your point? Will it be your place or mine?
Link: How about you go to the Dark Realm and maybe I'll met you there later.......... Or never.......
Ruto: Ok the Dark Realm it is then!
Link: -_-
Jasmine: Oooo K. With that said, my ruling is in favor of the defendant! Ruto gets NADA and has to sign a restraining order to stay five feet away from Link at all times!
Link: YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Ruto: NOOOOOOSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Jasmine: Yup.
Ruto: But....... HE STOLE MY ZORA'S STONE!!!!!! Can't I at least make him marry me? COME ON, its only fair!!!!!!
Jasmine: Nope. He had his fingers crossed when he agreed to marry you, correcto? Well, under Hyrule Law Code 52876, it states that all finger crossing during a verbal agreement will make a pact invalid........ Hmmm nifty little law huh?
Link: *Starts dancing around* BOOOYYYAAAAA!!!!!!! In yo face, Ruto! O YA! Whose the master? I AM! DA DA DA DA DA!!!!!!!!!!
Jasmine: _..... Shut up. Now your just making yourself look bad and I might have to reverse my decision, making Ruto have to stay within five feet of you at all times.
Link: @_@ Mommy! I so so so sorries!!!!!!!
Jasmine: That's ok......... Now this court room is adjourned! Please see the two people out........ B.S!
B.S.: (OoO) THAT'S IT!!!! YOU'RE SO GONNA PAY WITH YOUR LIFE, JUDGE NINCOMPOOP!!!!!!! *The Bailiff holds up his nightstick and starts chasing me around the room*
Jasmine: I order you to stop, Bailiff!!!! *He runs faster* EEPERS!!!! I'm gonna die - and just when I thought I was all-powerful too! Someone HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! ;o;
Link and Ruto watch on, snickering.
Suddenly Bailif Steve runs head first into a doorframe and crumbles down onto the floor.
Jasmine: *Looking at him* Owie............... That's a load of B.S. if I ever saw any!!!! AHAHAHAHA get it? GET IT?!?! ....... Ahhhhh well, I shouldn't quit my day job just yet. Until tomorrow folks, Hyrule Court is officially out of session!
*
Closing Notes:
What you think? Funny? Not funny? I wanna hear your opinions to make this better! Please be kind though, after all it's not as easy as it looks to think up funny little jokes and gags. ( A guy with black hair in the last row says "Yes it is". I HATE YOU!!!!!! LEAVE MY THEATER NOW!!!!!!!) Thanks for taking the time to read! Can you take just one more minute out of your day and review this fic? Pretty pretty please!
*
Poll:
What could I do to improve this fic?
A) Nothing!! It's too sucky to save!!
B) Add some more randomness
C) Romance! Every story needs a lil sap!! ^_^
D) Nothing!! It's great just the way it is!!
E) More of Bob!!! Yes, Bob is a my God! LONG LIVE JELL-O!!!