Authors Notes: This is my second humor chapter. Its rather long and its Real World related! Yay!
Disclaimer:
I own nada! Well...... *Starts to empty out pockets* I do own a piece of spearmint gum, an I.O.U. for the piece of gum that says by the year 2005 I will officially have made off all my payments totaling 5 cents and will officially own my piece of gum, a rubber duckie (I carry it for..... bath emergencies! o.O), and a lint ball that looks like Elvis but in his fat years.
Hyrule TV ShowsBy The J - Miester
Chapter Two: The Not-So-Real World Meet The Geeks -A blonde young man is sitting in the confessional, smiling winningly. He looks handsome..... *swoon, faint, melt, etc., etc.*
Link: Yo, world! It's Link, Hero of Time, here. So not much has happened since I saved the world, twice. Anyone remember that?..... *Looks around for some congrats, smiles, hand shakes..... anything.....*
Long pause.
Cameraman: Uh no. Keep it moving blondie, you're wasting film.
Link: *Smiles and nods again* Oh ok no biggie. Well since then I went back to living in my tree house even though I'm eight-freakin-teen and lived off my Hero's pension for a while. I did have my dark days I admit, for awhile I had a bad drug habit and got high off of faerie dust, you wouldn't think it but there is a big pixie drug ring going on, that's why they are always hyped up and talking a mile a minute. I hit my lowest point when I was so gone one night that I relieved myself on the poor Deku Tree... Then I had my downfall; no I mean I actually fell. Down. In my own pee.
Clip shows of Link urinating on said tree and then collapsing in giggles on the ground before passing out. We witness Navi kicking him a few times, taking the rest of his money, and then darting off.
Link: Saria found me the next morning and put me in Pixie Dust Anonymous, finally I kicked my habit and I am happy to announce I have been clean for... *looks at watch* two hours now. I am ready to start living my life and experiencing all this world has to offer! Like hot chicks! Hope there are some in the house...... *Eyes glaze over and looks off happily*
~
A pale haired beauty is sitting in the booth dressed in a dusty blue gown and looking noble.
Zelda: Hello and good day, my fair kingdom. It is I, Princess Zelda, and I would like to announce that I am officially a cast member of the Real World. That means for six months I will abandon my governing duties to my council and live a taped existence. I would just like to make the statement that I..... I..... *Squints and furrows brow* Your thumb is blocking the cue card, Gary.
Gary: *muffled* O whoopsies, sorry milday.
Zelda: *Sighs* That's ok. Guards, to jail with him.
Guards take Gary away as he screams and kicks.
Gary: O mother of Bob! I didn't mean it, honest! Not jail, anything but jail! It's..... cold! ;-;
Zelda: As I was saying, I plan to act responsible and be the pillar of morals in the house.
A clip of Zelda in various staged positions ensues; the Princess giving a bowl of soup to a 'homeless person' (Impa in rags), reading a book to an 'orphan' (Impa dressed in a girl's bare nightgown and sitting on Zelda's lap, practically crushing her), and talking to Mother Theresa (Obviously a picture with Zelda's image placed in it as well as Impa, making bunny ears behind Zelda's head).
Zelda: *Talking into tape recorder* Note to self, tell Impa 'bunny ears' are not appropriate and then have her thrown in the dungeons for a week. *Looks back into camera and plasters on a smile* Ahem. I will weigh my actions because I am well aware that every move I make is a judgment on my people and as a political figure I plan to hold true to my beliefs. Overall I feel my performance....... I mean experience, will be well worth it and enriching. *Whispering to self* Nice save, Zelda. I'd be in so much trouble if anyone ever found out I'm going on RW as a PR move. Lucky for me, the public are all fat and stupid. *Looks into camera and then pulls out tape recorder* 0.0 Not to self: make sure inner monologue goes on in my head and not out loud.
~
Next up is a pretty red head in the confessional, wearing a cowboy hat and chewing a piece of grass.
Malon: Why, howdy y'all! I'm Malon, daughter of the Lon Lon Ranch owner; y'all have probably seen him sleeping on your front steps. ^^;; Anyways I'm just your average cow girl, I like nature and working outdoors. My life since the days when that Ganon- sidewinder was defeated haven't changed all that much, I still help run the ranch and ride my horses 'till the cows come home. For a while we were having trouble with the Cuccos, the silly chickens were attackin' people and killin all the old folks!
Clip shows of chickens attacking town, a man is helping an old woman carry her groceries when they see the horde of Cuccos and he drops the bags, pushing the elderly lady down and running over her. She is promptly swallowed by the pecking herd.
Malon: At first no one minded...... because well, they're old people! But then prune juice manufacturers had less business so they made us round up all the Cuccos. So now we are facing some lawsuits by a few false teeth companies and them city slicker folks but nothin' too bad. I just wanted to come on here and have some toe tappin' good times off the farm! I'm probably going to look like such a cow poker compared to these intellectual types but I'm just going to be myself and hope it works out. Like my momma use to say before that accident when my poppa fell asleep on her, "Don't count your cows before they go in one basket." ...... She wasn't right in the head.......
~
The next confessional is...... an empty chair?!?
Anonymous Creepy Voice: *Far away* NO, YOU DOLT!!! It's a mysterious voice, belonging to a hidden creature of the shadows!!! Jeezum, you screwed that all up.... ;.;
Author: Uh sorry, ok well the next confessional is a hidden figure. (There is an empty chair, just so you can picture it......) Is that better?
A.C.V.: Muchly! MUAHAHAHAHA..... *cough cough hack hack* HA! I am the shadow person who remains in..... the..... shadows. o_O Maybe I should have used Zelda's idea and gotten my dialogue scripted. Any ol' way, I am a creature of the night.....
Suddenly a cloaked figured runs from one side of the gray backdrop to the other and again hides off camera.
A.C.V.: Dun a dun.... A figure of your nightmares.....
The mysterious person runs back to the other side and hides behind the background curtain.
A.C.V.: Dun dun dun...... An evil, evil guy!
Then the gray fabric suddenly falls down and a man falls with it, wrapped up in the backdrop. Now it is really obvious it is Ganondorf, sprawled out on the ground. He gets up blushing and rubs his butt.
A.C.V.: Ouchies! My tooshie!
He goes to sit down on the chair gently and looks into the camera again.
Ganon: I am SO the master of good entrances! Well as you can tell I am still the King of bleepin Darkness, after Link supposedly 'defeated' me, my days as Hyrule's ruler were over. I went back to living in Gerudo Death Valley and governing them, though the huge pay decline was something I couldn't get use to and I blew all my money on swanky carriages, new threads, and child support for all my thousands of offspring. Pretty soon I was broke and had to sell my bazillion dollar mansion, for a while Nab let me stay with her, she and I have grown really close if you catch my drift. *Wink wink nudge nudge* I also began to realize my true passion: music. I went into the studio and started making tracks; soon I was playing at all the Gerudo lounges and became a really hot act.
Footage runs of Ganondorf singing in a sequined gold jacket to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal". The thieves are all booing him and throwing daggers at his head as he finishes and takes a long bow, blowing kisses to the crowd.
Ganon: My life feels as if it's on track for the first time in years. I haven't given up my evil ways, believe me, I still like the occasional Princess-naping, but I can also sing a mean version of Maria Carey's "Emotion" as well. I entered RW because I want to see the old gang and have some laughs as I attempt to slit Link's throat a few more times. This will be like a fun reunion, I can tell...... O yea and on October 24th I play at the 'Sand In My Crack Club', doing my rendition of "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore" so don't miss it!
~
A tan skinned woman is next and she is sitting in the confessional room, using a rapier to file her nails.
Nabooru: Well I really don't need to introduce myself, after all you can probably recognize me from the security camera footage of me breaking into your house late at night and stealing every valuable item you own, but my name's Nabooru. I am still the REAL ruler over the Gerudos even though I let Ganondorf think he is just so he won't throw one of his tantrums and cause a seen, with me as leader my people have really prospered. We've started a used goods store in the market and have made a lot of profit.
A clip of a masked woman with a red ponytail running over to a carriage and holding the driver at knifepoint is seen. The woman makes the man get out of the wagon and lay down, his face to the ground, then she gets in it and drives away. The clip is quickly cut short and we return to Nabooru in the confessional holding a film reel. She is burning it with a match.
Nabooru: You didn't see anything you hear me! Nobody didn't steal no carriage, you got that?
Author: T_T Sooooo...... somebody did steal a carriage then.
Nabooru: *Rolls eyes and gets sarcastic* OoOoO lookie me, I'm the 'author' and I went to 'school' and can 'read'! Wowie, I'm smart!
Author: You can't read!? *Evil look and shifty eyes* Bawhahaha! *Types away on laptop* Nabooru smells like Ganon's old gym socks and Link's cap that he never removes to wash!
Nabooru: *Blink*
Author: Awww, well now it's no fun to make fun of her when she doesn't even know. Continue. (Yippee!!! Two of the same words in the same sentence! JANGA!!!)
Nabooru: Ganon still lives with me even though I'm pretty sure he isn't bankrupt anymore and could afford his own place. He is always leaving his underwear around (Tightie whities for the sickos who like to know...) and leaves his red hair in my brush; I can't take it any more. Plus what's up with his singing? Holy moly, I've heard cats with better vocal cords then him! The real reason I signed up for the Real World was to get some time away from Ganondorf but he joined too, blast it all. I may just kill him if he goes into one more chorus of "Pretty Woman", that would be a real ratings spike huh.
~
The next cast member is the one and only fish girl, Ruto. She is sitting with her legs crossed and batting her eyelashes like the ham she is.
Ruto: Hello, all you little people out there! You may know me as the Princess of the Zoras..... Ruto...... a perfect Goddess..... Link's fiancée....... Number 17 on any sushi menu. I have decided to do Real World as a generous act to allow all my humble subjects out there to get to know the real me. The caring, loving, beautiful, sensitive person I am really behind this title.
Clips run of Ruto kicking a dog in the market square, stalking Link in the bushes, and 'stealing' a lollipop from a baby. (Baby: Wahhh!! Take lolli.... Please go aways. I give you anything; just go aways, smelly lady.)
It returns to show Ruto beating the director to a pulp.
Ruto: How... dare.... you! That wasn't even my good side!
Director: Meep! My spleen! @_@
Ruto: *Looks up and sees the camera is focused on her, sweatdrops* Uh technical difficulties? Ya that's it, and I'd like the copy of this tape after. *Sits back down* Anyway, I also granted you all the great gift of seeing my pretty face on your televisions because I heard that that little blonde bimbo, Zelda, was going to be on RW too. I just know she is going to try to get with MY Link so I have to be there to prevent her from taking MY MAN! I've been practicing some martial arts techniques to use against Robo-Princess and since I am in a kind mood, I will demonstrate some of them for you right now. Sensei Wachoo?
Director: Bless you.
Ruto: -_- No you idiot, that's my Sensei's name.
A very serious looking Japanese man comes out and he holds a board of wood up to Ruto. She takes a moment to clear her head and harness her 'chi' when finally she uses her hand to slice foreword.
Ruto: AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!! *Hits board and nothing happens for a moment. Then Ruto splits in half and curls to floor.* !_!
Sensei: Aaww, fisha rollas. *Takes out his chopsticks*
~
The last contestant is Rauru, the plump sage and everyone's favorite walking-inside-joke.
Rauru: Hiya, everyone! Well I bet you've all been wondering what I've been up to lately huh? *Crickets chirp from far off and a pin can be heard as it drops.* ......... Weeeeellllllssssssss! I've been doing a lot of stuff since I helped that blonde cutie and the Pretty Pretty Princess get rid of that mean, old badie guy. I eat mostly, anything really, but I don't cook often, because I've been asked not to by the Hyrule Fire Department. Well really....... I've been ordered by law and risk of imprisonment.
Clip of Rauru trying to cook a turkey is his oven (Plastic wrapper and everything), wearing a cute floral apron, and then another clip of the market burning to a crisp and people running and screaming.
Rauru: ^^;; Anyways! I eat..... breath...... eat...... breath some more...... and when I'm not breathing, I eat...... o.O Ok so it's pretty boring around the temple! I've been trying to spice stuff up by making up this fun game where I think up cute names for all the clerics and I think its going well.
Another film shows of a brown robed bald man, named Robert, walking through the courtyard, being 'stalked' by Rauru. (Rauru: *Talking like the Copy Machine Guy from SNL* Hey it's the Rob-inator, the brown robed fiend, the Robster, the big man..... Robert: Please stop doing that Rauru. Rauru: Sure, Robby Robster, Roooobbbb-iiitttt, Holy Man..... Robert: -__- *Starts to run.*)
Rauru: They really enjoy it. So much so that they submitted me to Real World without me even knowing and told me they were bringing me to the Big Wheel O' Cheese Store and really took me here! I was so surprised, I felt really loved! *Starts to do impression of that woman.... who cried? I can't remember, sorry.* You like me, you really like me! O ya.... And also this will give me a chance to publicly shoot down all the gossip claiming I'm gay! In fact, I am not at all gay, that robe I wear is not a DRESS, and I have no feelings towards Link! *Looks at author and squeals* O my Goodness, is that a Dolce and Gabbana dress? Divine!
~
To The House We Go, Hi Ho, Hi Ho -So now that we've met our mental patients, i.e. cast members, let's throw 'em all together and see who survives the longest! Mua hahahahahahaha! (Ganon: OoOo impressive! How come I didn't think of that when I was trying to get rid of the green freak and the bratty royal? Author: Not everyone can be as evil as mui, it's a gift. ^ - ^)
~
Zelda is waiting at a carriage stop, pacing back and forth and glancing at her wristwatch irately.
Zelda: They are five minutes behind schedule, this is very unacceptable! Someone's going to jail for this.... *Looks around to see an old man crossing the street.* Guards, seize that man and put him in the dungeons!
Big guys run out from the bushes and grab the little aged fellow as he drops his cane to the ground.
Old Man: O bejeezum! Please don't do this; I've been a law-abiding citizen for seventy-five years! I worked at an orphanage, ran a puppy rescue in my back yard, I mined a quarry to feed the hungry Gorons during the great Rock Scare of '79, I never jaywalked, and never even ripped off any of those 'Do not remove' tags from the sides of mattresses!
Zelda: *Yawns* Do not question the decisions of royalty.
Old Man: *Guards drag him off* Gah! Me kidney!
\\
Zelda: *On videotape in confessional* Some people would say I'm cold-hearted and unable to have any real human emotion..... *She looks as if she's trying to concentrate really hard and finally her lips rise just a little bit. Then she looks just as straight-faced as before.* See, there, I was smiling. Do cold-hearted people smile? I don't think so!
//
They drag the poor man off and then we see a wagon finally rolling very slowly down the road, a beaming Rauru sitting in the back and the side he's on is sagging almost to the ground.
Rauru: O gosh, Zelda! How you doing, girlfriend?
\\
Zelda: Rauru... *Shivers* I cannot say I am particularly fond of the man; it was my idea to shove him into that temple in the first place and keep him out of Hyrule. Its not bad enough I had to deal with him all those seven years and his silly games. *Imitates Rauru's high-pitched voice.* 'Guess what color toe nail polish this is! Guess, guessssssss!'
She pulls out a checklist.
Zelda: Ah I was happy and sarcastic in one day. That'll show all those people who say I'm inhuman and an Ice Queen! Ha! *Checks another one off of her emotions list.* Yippee, smugness too!
//
Zelda: Must I remind you I am not your friend Rauru? I thought that restraining order to keep you from entering my head and dreams was enough of a sign to stay away from me!
Rauru: *Giggles* Silly Willy, you can't get rid of me that easily!
Zelda: *Sigh* Apparently not. I have taken the initiative to having my servants deliver my suitcases to the new house, seeing as how in my infinite wisdom I knew you'd be late and we would not have time to load up all my luggage.
Driver: Can we move dis along girly. Fat man back der is not makin dis an easy trip, jus pray my horse don' fall down dead. (Why does he have a strange Cajun accent? *Wiggles fingers and raises eyebrows* You'll never know! Doo doo doo!)
Zelda: Fine. *Sits in carriage and they start on their way. The Princess tries to make 'small talk' with Rauru.* So Sage, what are your thoughts on the economic force of the Hylian's compared to the trade resources of the Zora's?
Rauru: *Looking at Zelda's earrings* OoOo shiny! *_*
Zelda: *Sighs again* Right, shiny. *Stops trying to have a conversation and looks out window.*
They arrive at the swanky pad and go to check it out. Everything's bright colors and modern looking, there is of course a hot tub as well.
Rauru: *Jumping up and down on a bed* Weeee! I call this mattress!
Zelda: -_- You don't call a mattress, Rauru, you call dibs on a ROOM.
Rauru: o.O But I just want the mattress... It's springy...
Zelda: Well its all yours, I don't think anyone's going to fight you for the mattress... *Under her breath* I so wish there wasn't that 'No Jailing' clause in MTV's permission forms.
Rauru: *As he bounces* Yayyyyyyy! We're in the house, we're in the house, we're in the house, we're in the house, we're...
Suddenly the mattress gives out and Rauru falls. In fact, there is a hole in the floor! He gets stuck half way and starts screaming and flailing his arms.
Rauru: Someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me...
~
Next up is Link who is meeting his arrival buddy at a carriage stop as well.
Link: *Walking and singing happily* Hot chicks, hot chicks, hot chicks, hot.....
He goes around a corner to see Ganon sitting on a bench, waiting for their carriage.
Link: Ack! That's the UGLIEST chick I've ever seen! O wait, that's no chick, that's Ganondorkus!
\\
Link: At first I was all like.... Whoa dude, that's one hella ugly female... Then I was like... Whoa dude, that's a dude! Then I thought... Wouldn't that be funny if he was a chick? Like... he wore a dress and stuff.... *Laughs like Beavis and Butthead* That would be funny.... Ganon with boobies...
Link: *Stops laughing and there is a long pause. There is a distant, vacant look in his eyes.* What was I saying again? O ya, boobies. ^_____^
//
Ganon: *Rolls eyes* Good observation, Sherlock. I guess we were made to be traveling buddies, by some sicko power-hungry MTV guy who has a weird perverted sense of irony.... And are you saying I would make an ugly woman? ;-; That was uncalled for. Everyone at Ms Drag USA says I'd make a beautiful woman!
Link: Dude, you do drag? I always knew there was something funny about you, surrounded by all those hott babes and never banging one... And then there was that time I saw you trying on Nab's high heels.
Ganon: No, I sang there! I'm very popular among the drag queen population. And I do so 'bang' them; I have the child support bills to prove it! And I already told you, I was just stretching them out for her!
Link: Uh....... Ok? We may not be friends but I think we should at least try to get along; after all we will be living in the house for six months. AFTER we leave we can go back to plotting each other's demises.
Ganon: Hmmm and the blonde airhead actually makes sense.
Link: _ Hey a word of advice, if we are going to get along, making fun of me will not help the situation.
Ganon: Point taken... The carriage isn't here yet so to kill time I think I'll give you and the viewing audience a sneak peak at my upcoming show lineup by singing "Do You Believe" by Cher...
Ganon starts to sing and Link covers ears at the horrible sound.
Link: Hey, I have an even better idea, lets go back to hating each other. Yes hate is better, much much better!
The carriage pulls up in the nick of time and they board it.
Link: I can't wait to meet the ladies of the house! Dude, bro, MTV always has the HOTTEST chicks!
Ganon: I'm sure you've met them before, after all there are only around five women who would actually be selected for this because all the others in Hyrule are... well.... never seen.
Link: O.... Yea.... I bet there will be Zelda, she's a babe. Malon too and I'm hoping the Goddesses finally answered my prayers and Ruto has been killed in a freak Cuccos attack. Then Nabooru...
Ganon: Hey! Don't even get any ideas about MY Nabby; I am finally so close to getting her to agree to go out with me.
\\
Ganon: At first I was really angry that Link would be on RW, never mind be MY arrival partner! But then after I got into the third chorus of "Do You Believe" I realized that maybe it wouldn't be so bad... Of course that could be the lack of air to my brain at that point, but I was starting to think maybe Link wasn't all that bad. I also realized Link must really enjoy my singing, I know I'll be an asset to the group... Then when he brought up Nabooru, I got really REALLY mad! She's MY she-man desert warrior, not his! If he so much as flirts with her I will go after Zelda, the one we ALL know he loves, with all my charm. No girl can resist my sensual voice; it's just a matter of time before the Princess falls for me..... *Twiddles fingers like Mr. Burns* Excellent, excellent.
//
Link: Haven't you asked her out about a hundred times already?
Ganon: :( A hundred and three... SO? What's your point blondie?
Link: You have no game, Ganondweeb! Don't worry, now that we are buddies I can show you how the Link Master works his magic on the ladies!
Ganon: There are so many things wrong with that statement. A) I do too have game; every woman loves the sweet and caring singer/artist. B) GANONDWEEB?! Bah! C) LINK MASTER?! Bah squared! D) Aren't you the one who has been chasing Zelda since you were kids and she always turns you down? E) There is no E.
Link: *Dazes out* Um 'D'? The answer is 'none of the above'? *Ganon gives him a weird look and he snaps out of it.* O oops sorry. Zelda is coming around though, don't you worry. If she is living in the house then I predict we will hook up by the end of the six months.
They arrive at the house just then and start to go in it. The walk around before entering a room to see Zelda trying to lift Rauru up from a flattened mattress.
Link: Z my girl! Hey, Rauru too! Awesome! What's up?
\\
Link: Awesome! Zelda and Rauru are our roomies! This is going to be a kick butt season; I wanna share a room with my Z! Then you viewers will get to see a real love master in action if you know what I mean.... *Lights suddenly dim, Barry Manilo begins to play. Link grabs out a breath spray and sprays some in his mouth before gagging.* O cough cough, hack hack. And cough some more. Ewie what is this stuff? *Looks at label and eyes go wide.* HAIRSPRAY! No wonder my hair has been smelling so minty lately!
//
Zelda: Please refrain from calling me 'Z my girl' or I'll have to throw you into the dungeons again. And this time Impa's not here to bail you out!
\\
Zelda: *Wrinkles nose.* I really hoped Link wouldn't be in the house. He's always calling me 'Z my girl' and 'sugar lips'. Ah I guess it's to be expected from a guy who skipped puberty. I plan to stay as far away from him as possible..... And he smells like a big mint.
//
Zelda: Nothing's up at all, and when I say nothing I mean it literally. I need help getting Rauru's fat rear up; he was jumping on the mattress and broke it.
Rauru: !_! I only wanted to be like the little boy from 'Home Alone'.....
Zelda: What little boy? You mean the one you ate last month?
McCauley Culkin: *From Rauru's tummy, muffled.* Ahhh let me outta here, you filthy stinkin' animal!
Rauru: @_@ It was an accident, he fell into that vat of warm melted butter and then my mouth, I swear...
Link: Rauru, you broke the floor again! This is the second time this month, no wonder that construction worker follows you around everywhere! *Link points to some random guy leaning against the kitchen counter, munching on a sandwich, and wearing a hard hat.*
Construction guy: Hey, the money I make offa that guy's put my five kids through college! Tubby boy here is my freakin angel.
Link: *Sigh* Here, I guess I'll help you.
Link grabs Rauru's hand and starts to pull.
Rauru: I..... think.... its working... I.... feel... something.... *BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPP*
Zelda: *From a safe distance, behind a lead wall* Well that was predictable.
Rauru: I don't remember that on the way down....
Link flies backwards from the momentum of Rauru's burp.
Link: Dude, that was the most disgusting thing ever. I need to go take a shower. A really, really long one. Preferably in choleric acid.
Rauru: Sor'y. ^#_#^ It mighta been from those beans I ate.... or the gallon of soda.... or those burritos... or that Mexican guy...
Zelda: May I remind you that you are stuck in a floor...
Rauru: O ya... WAHHHHHHHHHH! I'M STUCK IN A FLOOR!
Zelda: Hm lets try something that uses more mind power and less brute force. Butter may be able to free you.
\\
Link: Ok guys, I'm going to let you in on 'plan two - Banging Zelda'. I figure if I act mean to her she'll totally be all over me! I mean, look at all those other Real World seasons; the people who fight the most always end up hooking up! Girls always dig a bad ass; it's a proven fact.
Looks off into space.
Link: What was a saying again? O ya, ass. ^_____^
//
Link: *Crosses arms and rolls eyes. Talks in high pitch voice.* "Blah blah blah. I think I'm so smarty-er and use big words, like 'force', because I'm a stupid head Princess. Blah blah blah. Let me walk around in my uptight dress, wiggling my little butt. Teasing.... Tight...... Hot.......... Really hot............."
Zelda: 0.o
Link: I mean, um, you're stupid!
\\
Link: *Smiling proudly* I am the master!
//
Zelda: So anyway..... Just let me put this on you.
Zelda applies butter to Rauru.
Rauru: *Giggling* Hee hee, thash tickles!
Zelda: Ok now let me go wipe my hands and I'll be back in a minute to help push.
::.::Minute later::.::
Zelda: Ok so – HEY WHERE'D THE BUTTER GO?
Rauru: *Golden goop all around his lips, speaking with a full mouth* Ah donsh knosh.
Zelda: YOU ATE IT! Ew, Rauru, it was butter! That's like sick. Link, why didn't you stop him?
Link: A_A It was funny......
Zelda: My IQ just went down 10 points. I'm going to go read and hopefully regain some of the smart you guys made me loose.
Rauru: But whata bout me!?
Zelda: You're screwed, may the Goddesses have mercy on your soul.
Zelda leaves.
Rauru: ^^;; Would you believe its water weight?
Ganon: Only if you drank Lake Hylia.
Link: Ah well, lets go check out the other rooms!
Everyone runs out of the room to check out the rest of the house, leaving Rauru alone.
Rauru: Uh.... Guys? The springs hurt my tooshie.... ;~;
~
Ruto is hanging out beside the lake and she looks very bored.
Ruto: *Sees a Zora man with his son.* You there, amuse me! Dance!
Man: Wha? But Princess...
Ruto: I SAID DANCE! *Clap clap*
Man starts to dance awkwardly and Ruto claps.
Ruto: *Yawn* I am already bored with you, that is enough.
Then she spots a carriage approaching in the distance and Nabooru driving it.
\\
Ruto: My first thoughts were... 'This has to be Link, the MTV people will definitely put us together.' 'Did Link color his hair red?' 'Did Link grow his hair longer?' 'Has Link undergone a surgery and is now a female?' 'O Drat, it isn't Link!' 'Note to self: Get each MTV staff member to 'mysteriously' disappear.'.... After that I started to worry about getting along with other women, even though I am such a great and sweet person, other girls tend to get jealous of me because they want to be me. The only friends I've ever had were the ones my father hired to hang around with me.... Until they killed themselves, I lost many Rent-A-Friends that way.... They drowned themselves and left notes that usually read 'We just couldn't take it anymore... No more... Dancing... Please no more...'... I personally think Malon and her square dancing had something to do with it.... It's sad, well it WOULD be if I cared.
//
Nabooru stops the wagon and glares at Ruto.
Nabooru: I knew I wasn't going to like this...
\\
Nabooru: I REALLY don't like this. Ruto is my travel partner; I'm filled with so much joy. Except not... Can't say I was surprised though, knowing how twisted and evil the MTV people can be. I'm sure they want me to carve Ruto into a fish filet huh? *Thinks for a minute.* That's not a bad idea... Besides, I'm hungry and the next McDonald's is a whole block away.
//
Ruto: Nabooru, so great to see you again!
Nabooru: *Wrinkles nose.* What smells?
Ruto: ^^;; Me. I was in the sun so long I started to cook. He he. Don't you just hate when that happens? You wanna help me with my bags?
Nabooru: Not really but I will. *Gets out to see a suitcase by the Zora's feet.* This one?
Ruto: O no, those. *Points to a towering stack of luggage.*
Nabooru: Holy Din! You've got to be kidding me! What you pack, your entire kingdom including Jabu Jabu?
Ruto: Of course not, just some things such as beauty supplies, things for entertainment, my mirror collection, clothes...
Nabooru: But you don't even wear clothes...
Ruto: Your point?
Nabooru: -_- Never mind lets just start loading these things up...
::.::Five hours later::.::
Ruto: *Sitting back, 'supervising' and drinking a lemonade.* Phew! Finally done! There, was that really so bad?
Nabooru: *In heap on floor.* Yes... So... very... very... bad....
Ruto: K LETS GET GOING! YAY!
Nabooru crawls into the carriage and they start to drive off.
Ruto: Wow, this is b-o-r-r-e-i-n-n-g... Uh, I guess I really shoulda paid more attention to my personal tutors... Well you know what I meant, I'm bored! Hmm let's play a game! Let's see how many good qualities we can name about me! 1 – My outgoing attitude...
Nabooru: I am not playing that game, its dumb.
Ruto: Yes you are, I'm a Princess and you're not so you gotta! Naa naa! :P
Nabooru: All right fine. 2 – Your IQ level is the same as an old tennis shoe...
Ruto: ....................... *Thinks for 5 minutes* O HEY! WERE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?!
Nabooru: Um yes.
Ruto: ....... Aaaa! Wrong answer, the correct answer is 2 – My feet are really small. Now onto number three... ^_^
Nabooru face faults and they pull up to the house just then. They run in, leaving Ruto's bags for later.
Ruto: Wooooo! Let the party start, I am here.
Link: *Really flat* O yay, it's Ruto.
Ganondorf: *Whispers under breath.* Warning - Do not look directly at the fish; doing so may cause your eyeballs to explode and turn into fiery chunks of coal in their sockets.
Link: Ha ha! Snap, buddy! *High fives.*
Zelda: Since when did you guys become such good friends? What happened to the mortal enemies we all know and loved?
Ganondorf: Psh that was so five minutes ago. Until I try to take over the kingdom again or steal you we're best buddies!
Rauru: *Still stuck in mattress heap.* GUYS! IS THAT YOU? O GODDESSES! I WAS SO SCARED; I THOUGHT YOU ALL WOULD NEVER COME BACK AND LEFT ME FOR GOOD...
Nabooru: o.O But we never even left, idiot...
Rauru: ^^;; O... My hinnies starting to chafe. Will someone rub lotion on it?
Unison: EWWWWWWW! NO!!!!!!!!
~
Malon shows up at the house. She had no arrival buddy because she was the odd man out and well... I just don't like her. ^-^;;
Malon: Hey ya'll!
Nabooru: Hey Malon.
Malon: O my gawd! This house is so big! And it's got all these city slicker, high techy stuff, like this thingy here. *Stares at the ice cube maker on the refrigerator.*
Link: Malon, even I know that's just an icemaker and I live in a tree. The Deku has one; you'd be surprised, he lives pretty well for a guy with roots. See, you press this lever here and presto neato.
Malon: *Cowers behind Link* Ice? In summer? What kinda black magic is this ya'll! Next thing ya'll tell me is that there really aren't little people in my television.
Link: Um well there aren't. Those are just images from electrons... Or something like that. *Shrug* I flunked science.
Malon: Wha?Link: Never mind. Look, this thing blows out hot wind! *Pulls out hair drier from suitcase and hands it to Malon to distract her for awhile.*
Malon: Ooooo! O_O~
Nabooru is lugging her stuff through the hallways, trailed by a giddy Ganon.
Ganondorf: Oh oh I got another one! What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic! Hahahaha! Get it?
Nabooru: Yes, Ganon, I do. I also got it the first time you said it, and the second, and the fourth, and the fifth. There was a reason all the three surrounding rows around us on the plane were empty.
Ganondorf: Weeeelllllll... I didn't want to say anything but your breath is a little less than minty fresh if ya know what I mean. I'd still make sweet passionate love to you though...
Nabooru: "_" No, you idiot! Because you wouldn't shut up! Ganondorf: O! I get it now! Well consider me a mime then! =XNabooru: Good, now go get lost in some invisible box or something. *Opens a door to a room with red walls* I'm calling this room!
Ganondorf: *Runs and belly flops on bed* O bouncy! I like it.
Nabooru: That's good but its mine so go bounce on your own bed.
Ganondorf: What's the big deal? There's another bed right there...
Nabooru: O.o Wait a minute, another bed? As in – sharing a room? NO WAY! I came on RW to get away from you, freak, not to be trapped in a small confined area with you!
Ganondorf: I get it; you don't want to be tempted by my manly goodness huh? Its ok, I get that all the time..... Mostly when I do shows at the elderly home. Those old farts love them some Ganon....
Nabooru: Ewwww, Ganon! And I left you alone with my nana for a whole day, you skeevy perv!Ganon: It's not my fault I'm dead sexy! *Looks at the quilt Nabooru's grandma made her that she's unpacking from her suitcase.* Ah, there were some good times on that quilt.
Nabooru: Ahhhhhhh! *Throws blanket across room* Must.... kill.... images.... in my head. *Runs to bathroom to bore her eyes out.*
~
Zelda is in a room; her redecorator is looking at it and getting a 'vibe'.
Decorator: I see... lots of mango! Just everywhere, lots of lime! This room screams to me and you know what it says?
Link walks in just then and isn't buying the whole decorator mumbo-jumbo.
Link: "I feel like a fruit"?
Zelda: _ Stop mocking Mousier Francisco! And why do you even care? This is my room...
Link: Correction - our room. We're roomies! =D Yay! Imagine all the late night hours we'll spend together just sharing girl talk, brushing each other's hair, and occasionally having naked pillow fights!
\\
Zelda: Ahhhhh! Link... is... my roommate? I don't want to live! I just know he'll try all sorts of sexual advances on me, spy on me in the shower, and use all my hairspray! Yup, I def want to die.
//
\\
Link: O ya, she wants me
//
Zelda: Will someone shoot me? Anyone? *Sigh* Ok Mousier I guess I won't be needing your services anymore.
Decorator: Well I never! Fine, if you don't want my hot, luscious melon balls wallpaper and my sweet, tangy lemon heads pillows then good riddance!
He storms off.
Zelda: Is it just
me or did that sound extremely dirty?
Link: Tee hee! He said 'balls'.
Zelda: -_- Yes, yes he did. Ok, Link, if we have to room together I think we should set up some boundaries ok? I'll draw a line with this piece of chalk... that I mysteriously had in my pocket... that mysteriously appeared on my dress... and divide our room evenly.
Zelda starts drawing.
Zelda: Ok... Everything on this side is mine... And everything over here is yours.
Link: But, you just drew a circle around me!
There is a chalk circle just around Link's feet.
Zelda: O so I did! Well rules are rules, Link. If you want to be my roomie, I need my personal space.
Link: But how will I sleep!?
Zelda: Jeesh, standing, der! If you wanna be a baby about it maybe you should just share with Ruto...
Link: No standings fine, standings good! But... can I at least go to the bathroom?
Zelda: *Already laying on her bed and reading. She tosses him an empty soda bottle* Here, have fun.
~
Hot Tub Anyone? -Ruto: Hey guys, lets all get nakkied and get in that Jacuzzi!
Saria: But... you always are naked, Ruto.
Ruto: Ah yes but it's the principal of the thing. Besides MTV made me say it, they need us all to get nudie and boost the ratings. Except Rauru, he can't get naked. Ever. It's in the contract.
Rauru: Well HA to them because under this floor I'm free as a newborn babay!
Everyone In Unison: EWWWWWWWWWWW!
Ruto: Well come on, don't be wimps! Lets go!
Ganon: I'm in! We'll all bond in a big boiling pool of bacteria and bodily fluid, it'll be fun....
Nabooru: *Grumble* Ok. As long as Ganon sits nowhere close to me.
Ganon: Psh! You make it seem as if I'm practically on you.
Nabooru: -__- Well, you are now.
Ganon: *Looks down to see he's sitting on Nabooru's shoulders* O sorry. *Gets off her*
Malon: Ya'll, it'll be fun, all muckin around! I go swimmin in the lake by my house all the time. Bare as the day my momma birthed me, turned me upside down, and called me Clancy.......... That's no expression either ya'll, she really did start callin me Clancy and sit me on my head all the time. That's why my scalps all flat on the top and I gotta sleep upside down.... Before they locked her up in the asylum.
Everyone: O-O Um ya so.........
Ruto: You do too, Link. I've already given you a preview of what you'll be seeing after we enter wedlock so now you gotta show me the goods too!
Link: I know and judging from the preview I want a refund..... Ok, ok, I guess I will. After all, you can't keep these rippling biceps hidden forever. Zelda, you're gonna do it too right?
Zelda: Hmmm. If I do it then I'll look like a wild party girl but if I don't I'll seem like a stiff stick in the mud. Think, brain, think! *Sees everyone giving her strange looks* Damn it, I really have to work on the whole inner monologue thing! Fine, I guess I will go in the hot tub, but no peeking!
Ruto: Ok so now that everyone's agreed, on the count of three we all undress and run in! One........... Two-three! *Ruto takes off in an attempt to get a better view of Link. Thankfully he knows her tricks and runs into the hot tub before she can see anything.*
The bubbles pretty much cover everything but they all have red cheeks (No not those cheeks, you pervie readers you! God, I can't even respect you anymore...) and are nervously sitting feet apart from each other.
Zelda: This is a lot less fun then it looks on the show.....
Nabooru: Ganon, I felt that! Stop touching me! _
Ganon: _ What? I didn't! Why would I when I can at night when you're asleep and you wouldn't even know?
Nabooru: Um ya, I'm definitely chaining you to your bed....... But then whose grabbing my knee?! *She grabs the hand and pulls it out of the water.* RUTO!? Let me guess, you were trying to touch Link.
Ruto: ^_^;; O hehe. Whoopsies. I was just feeling for.... my rubber duckie!
Link reaches over towards Zelda and she looks terrified.
Zelda: Perv! *Punches him in the nose*
Link: Owwwwwie! Jeeze, I was just reaching for my drink.... ;_; Medic!
Zelda: O haha, my mistake. Sorry. ^_^;
Ruto: Hmmm.... So what can we do to spice things up a little? O I know, lets play 'Link has to stand up for five minutes'!
Link: You just made that up!
Nabooru: No, ya think? -_-; Idiot.
Zelda: Thank you! That's exactly what I've been saying!
Link: T_T Well poo on you.
Ruto: I've got it! Lets play ten fingers! Its really easy, you just go around in a circle saying something you've never done and if someone else has done it then they put a finger down. Whoever has the most fingers up at the end is the loser. Now I start! Hmmm.... I've never worn clothes.
Everyone puts down a finger except Ruto.
Nabooru: Well that sucked. Now mine - I've never lost at anything. Ever.
Zelda, Malon, and Ruto put a finger down. Ganon and Link don't but have very shifty, lying eyes.
Nabooru: Liars! Link, I beat you in the tag game when you were five remember?
Zelda: Ya and I beat you just now Ganon in that race upstairs... And then again to grab drinks. And then....
Ganon: Ok ok! You got me! Jeezum, just kill a man's pride why don'tchya. !_!
Malon: I have all my fingers down! Ha! I did more stuff than all ya'll city kids!
Nabooru: We haven't even asked ten questions, Malon. And none of us are even from the city but Zelda.
Malon: O sorry! Hee. ^_^;
Link: Uhhhhhh..... Ummmmm....
Everyone: Just go already!
Link: Alright, alright. Tough crowd..... I've never fallen in love.
Ganon, Malon, and Ruto put their fingers down.
Link: Malon? With who!
Malon: Well, I guess I should just tell ya'll.... It's Mido!
Link: Mido?! That midget?
Malon: Well I couldn't wait for you, Link, or I'd be waiting until the cows came home. Ya love Zelda, 'sok, I moved on, I'm ok with it.
Zelda: I'm not... =o(
Malon: ... I was on Oprah; I've dealt wit my emotions already. Mido... He's just so much man! He makes me feel like a real woman. Plus he doesn't have to sit to milk the cows! It saves me a lot of time.
Rauru: *Shouting from his place on the floor* He looks like a babay! Get in my
bellay!
Nabooru: You're still alive over there? I thought you'd pass out after three minutes of not stuffing your face.
Rauru: I knowwwww! I'm wasting away as we speak!
Zelda: Nu uh, you look the same or else you would be able to slip from the hole.
Rauru: I think my head lost weight, it looks smaller.
Zelda: ()_(); Well your brain certainly does.
Nabooru: Who do you love Ruto?
Ruto: Well read my key chain and you'll know! O_~
Ruto shows Nab a key chain that reads 'I Heart Link'.
Nabooru: Why'd I even ask? I must say I am impressed you took the time to get those made though. As far as stalkers go, you're a pro. He should have to hire and pay you you're so good.
Zelda: Anyway I guess it's my turn. I've never broken a rule.
Everyone: NEVER!?!
Pretty much everyone puts a finger down.
Zelda: Nope. Why should I? Rules give us purpose, without them we'd be wanton wild animals giving in to every impulse, a.k.a. Rauru.
Rauru: ^_^ Thankie!
Link: *Whispering behind hand* She's so uptight if you stuck coal up her rear you'd get a diamond.
Zelda: -_- I heard that and it's highly unlikely. Unless of course you left it there for quite some time.
Ganon: OoOoO me turn! Okkkkkkkkkkk...... I'veeeeeeeee neveeeeeeerrrrrr.........Ummmmmmmmmm
A shoe is thrown at him and hits him in the head.
Ganon: Ow! Ok, ok! I've never kissed a girl.
Everyone: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ganon: :0( You guyyyyssss! I thought you couldn't make fun of people in this game!
Link: I never agreed to that. Ganon's a loser! He's never kissed a girl!
Nabooru: Ha ha! I've made it father with a girl than you have.
Everyone But Nabooru: O.o You kissed a girl!?
Nabooru: I mean..... Ganon sucks! Ya!
Ganon: Well fine, I can tell I'm not going to be accepted! I'm going to my room now to sob myself to sleep and listen to Celine Dion.
Ganon stands and everyone screams and grimaces.
Zelda: O my Goddesses, I'm blind! X_X
Link: The horror, the horror of it all! Must..... destroy.... eyeballs.
Ganon: T_T *Runs to his room and slams his door.*
Malon: I think we should stop and check on 'im ya'll. I mean, it was funny and all but it wasn't very nice!
Nabooru: ................... Nah! But I have to go pee so lets get out of here.
Link: Ya I'm starting to prune.
Rauru: Prunes! Mmmmmm. Grandparents eat prunes. Grandparents! Mmmmmm.
~
Disco Fever - Ruto: Guys, lets go clubbing! Nabooru: Um ok..... But who made you the schedule planner?Ruto: Hel-lo! I made a complete list of activities for us to do while we are here so we can bond and stuff! See, it's all here on this nifty planner-ma-bob.
Ruto shows Nabooru her planner.
Nabooru: 'Today: Get Link to kiss me, get everyone to go in the hot tub, get Link to kiss me, make lunch, get Link to kiss me, go to a club with the whole house, get Link drunk and have him kiss me.' Wow, that is so pathetic I have to kill myself with the juicer now.
Rauru: I'm gonna skip on this one you guys because I.... well can't get out of this giant hole in the floor. I don wanna be all alones though! O.O Can I have a babysitter?
Zelda: A babysitter? Rauru, you're 105!
Rauru: WAAAHHHH! *Cartman voice* I... want.... cheesy puffs! And a baby sitter!
Zelda: -_-; Ok fine, as long as you swear you won't eat her.
Rauru: O darn!
Zelda goes and gets the phone book. She dials 1-800-DONT-CALL-IF-UR-KIDS-A-BRAT.
Zelda: Uh hello, I'd like a babysitter from 10:00 to 1:00. His name's Rauru... He weighs, I dunno, 350 lbs... No, he's not allergic to anything... Yes he's an easy sleeper. Any last comments? Sure, watch out because he'll bite... No, really, he'll bite you're arm off. He's done it before... Ok thanks!
Zelda: Ok her names Clair and she'll be here very soon.
Rauru: Yay! ^_^ Bring me back some beer peanuts though! Salted!
Nabooru: Ganon locked himself in his room and keeps playing 'My Heart Will Go On' over and over again but I think I can drag him out.
Link: I guess I'm going; it beats hanging home and feeding Rauru by hand.
Rauru: I said more grapes, slave boy!
Link: .
Zelda: Ummm... I don't think I am.
Link: What! You have to! Everyone's doing it, you know you wanna.... I feel like a drug dealer.
Zelda: I know you're supposed to say no to peer pressure because I've watched all those after school specials! But..... Ok. I guess I'll go. I guess I broke a rule so that's one finger down. *She puts a finger down* What's that I feel? Could it be freedom? Rebellion! The night is suddenly alive with options; I'm starting to have a taste for danger!
Nabooru: *Flat voice* Look out, world. First going to a club, what's next? Using a public restroom?
So they all get ready and primp in the mirror. Montage shows of Nabooru dressed in a skintight sleeveless black jumpsuit with a thin diamond belt and her hair back in a low ponytail. Ruto is well....... naked, but she puts some glitter over her naughty spots. Link is all flexing for the mirror and then checking out his butt and saying repeatedly, "Well who is this sexy man I see? Could it be me?" Nabooru pulls Ganon from his room by his hair and he gets ready to go out, his eyes all red from weeping. Zelda wears a tan short skirt and a blue tank top with her hair let down. Malon wears a jean skirt and a tee shirt with her hair in pigtails. Now they are ready to par-tay! End montage.
~
Nabooru: Hey, this club is pretty awesome! They have a lot of hot guys too! I'm gonna go dance.... *She heads off into the dance floor*
Ganon: I'm gonna go dance too. I just learned this kickin' disco move that's sure to impress the ladies. Watch out babes because Ganon's back in town! Aaa, aaa, aaa, stayin alive, stayin alive! *Starts to hot trot away*
Zelda and Link are kind of dancing close together but not really. There is space but they look at each other every once in awhile and blush. Suddenly Ruto comes dancing up.
Ruto: Wanna get dirrty? Come on, its about time for my arrival.
Link: T_T No, I wouldn't want to get dirrty or clean with you. Now rrrrrrun away.
Ruto: *Still not getting the hint and continuing to try to dance with him* Lets get physical, physical. Let me hear your body talk.
Link: A) That's a corny Olivia Newton John song from the 80s. B) Go away!
Ruto: Uhhh..... I did it all for the nookie?
Link: Not even close. Ruto, get lost and stop trying to touch my no no spots.
Ruto: For me they're yes yes spots. ^_~
Link: Bleck, barf, gag. :(
~
Meanwhile...
*Ding dong* Clair rings the doorbell.
Rauru: Come in!
Clair: Ok.... *Sees Rauru* O.... my.... Goddesses! That's the most hideous thing I've ever set eyes on! Baby Rauru? Baby Rauru! Where are you? @o@ You ate him didn't you? You three-chinned monster!
Rauru: --____-- I'm Rauru.
Clair: O hehe whoops. But you're.... an overweight elderly man. Shouldn't you have gotten a live-in nurse or something?
Rauru: No! 1_1 Let's play Candy Land! I'm Lady Lollipop!
Clair: *Sigh* Alright. Yay, fun. I guess I'll be Mister Peppermint or whatever. Ok let me just get the directions out and read before we play... *Starts to read and then looks up* Rauru! Stop it!
Rauru: *With board in his mouth* Whash thash matta?
~
Back at the club...
Nabooru is dancing with some guy when Ganon boogies up.
Ganon: May I cut in?
Guy: Uh no, you green freak.
Ganon: Green freak? Excuse me but that is my fair lady you are groping, sir, and I'll.....
Guy: . (He's a big guy!) You'll what, geek?
Ganon: ^_^; Kindly ask you to stop.
Guy: Well I don't wanna so there. Now buzz off before I kill ya.
Ganon: *Gulp* No! I demand you let go of her.
Guy: That's it, I'm gonna have to beat you to a pulp. But before I do that I like to make the weaklings cry and people laugh at them in shame. So.... you have the biggest nose I've ever seen! *Whole club looks and laughs uproariously*
Ganon: ='0( My *sniff* mother said *sniff* it was unique.
Nabooru: Wait just a minute, that's not right! He may be a green freak with a big honker but he's my green freak with a big honker so take it back.
Guy: No way.
Nabooru: Ok well I warned you. *She proceeds to kick the stuffings out of him and make him cry*
Ganon: My hero! ^____^
Nabooru: Now go get me a drink, woman.
~
Cut back to the house. Clair is reading a book on the couch and Rauru is singing to himself.
Rauru: 101 bottles of milk on the wall, a 101 bottles of milk –
Clair: Uh Rauru can you please stop, I can't concentrate.
Rauru: O ok. Who stole the cookies and milk? The mouse stole the cookies and milk...
Clair: When I said stop I didn't mean that song, I meant stop singing all together.
Rauru: Ooooo, well why didn't ya say so! *He starts to hum* Hm hm Hmmmm hm hm Hmmmm.
Clair: Shuttap!
Rauru: I want milk.
Clair: Why Goddesses? Why have you forsaken me?
Goddesses: Hey when he hangs out in the Light Realm we have to deal with his incessant ramblings! Now it's your turn to tolerate the fat tub-o-lard! But...... If he were somehow to die before the end of this taping, there would be some thing in it for ya like the Triforce and a kingdom or two.
Clair: ^_^ Un-der-stood.
Clair: OO I don like the sound of that.
~
Malon is two stepping when a guy approaches.
Guy: Hey baby, do your feet hurt? Because you've been running through my mind all day.
Malon: My feet hurt but I think its 'cause I ran into a wall today.
Guy: O.o Uh.... I lost my number. Can I have yours?
Malon: I lost my number too!
Guy: ............. Screw it! *He goes to dance with her but Malon's not use to this type of dance and she grabs him like she was roping a calf in a rodeo*
Malon: You rootin tootin varmint! Stay still, I need ta rope your hoofs!
Guy: Ahhhh! You're crazy, lady! *Runs away*
Malon: Well thanks for talking with me, you sho were nice.
~
They are walking home now at night, alone in a city. (Hey they do it all the time on the real RW!)
Ruto: Call me your sugar bunch, honey bunch, o wallay wallay?
Link: Yea.... no. Definitely no.
Nabooru: *Ganon's leaning on her shoulder, drunk as a skunk* Come on Ganon, we're almost home. Just no puking ok? Think un-puky thoughts, like dry clothes, and brand new shoes!
Ganon: Hey didchya know your name sounds like Sabooru? Ha ha!
Zelda: I can't believe I did this! My dads going to kill me when he sees this tape.
Link: Who cares? At least you had fun.
Zelda: Who cares? Who cares! Excuse me if I care about having a good image and pleasing my parents! I guess in your world it makes me a loser but sorry, some people want more than to just get laid and coast by in life!
Link: You don't know anything about me and what I want! You're the typical snotty rich girl, thinking she can judge everyone and she always smells like roses! Well I have news for you, you don't.... Well you do smell like roses actually.... But that's not the point!
Zelda: And you all think you have me figured out too! That I choose to be this way, that I want to miss out on everything kids my age are doing. Well I don't! I want to get trashed and date and not worry about the consequences but I can't! Maybe if you even had a single responsibility in your life or stopped being such an a-hole for one second you'd understand.
Link: Well maybe if your panties weren't made of ice you'd have fun once in awhile!
Zelda: Jackass....
Link: Brat....
And then they kiss under the lamplight, hard and deep. The cold night air rushes over their skin and Link runs a hand through her hair.
\\
Link: ^____^ Cha ching!
//
Link: I guess that's another finger down for me. ^_^ (Get it? He's in love! Awww!)
(Ok enough with the mushy! On with the funny!)
Zelda: 0.0 I can't believe I just did that... and on national television. *Slaps Link*
Link: Ack! What was that for?
Zelda: For.... uhhh.... ummm... Leave me alone! *Storms off*
Nabooru: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
They look over to see the Gerudo covered in.... well, puke.
Nabooru: Grrrr! I can't believe you, Ganon!
Ganon: ^_^ Kiss me.
Nabooru: *Throws him on the cement and storms off*
~
Clair: *Trying to pull her book out of Rauru's mouth* Bad, Rauru, bad! Let go, boy!
Rauru: Pages yummy!
The gang arrive back home just then, looking less than happy. Nabooru comes huffing in first.
Clair: Hey! I'm so happy you're back..... Is that throw up I smell?
Nabooru: Can it.
Nabooru thuds up to her room and slams the door. Next comes Link, supporting a giggling Ganon.
Ganon: Did you know that 'wow' backwards is wow? That's crazy stuff, dude!
Clair: What's the matter with him?
Link: He's drunk. I'm going to throw him down somewhere for the night and hope he rolls over in his sleep and suffocates.
Clair: Um ok. *To herself* Well everyone's certainly grumpy... Zelda! Hey....
Zelda: I don't want to talk about it.... *Runs by and to her room*
Saria: Golly, I guess it was smart to stay home then. Hey Malon, I bet you had a bad time too huh?
Malon: No way! I met all these really smart guys; one even talked French to me! Something about a 'maunaush-a-twa'. (Sp? Because I know I'm wayyyy off!) It sounds really.... French! I'm goin to hit the hay.... and then go to sleep. So here's your money, Clair. Bye!
Clair: Yesssaa! I'm free, I'm free! *Runs out of the house*
Rauru: Wait! You didn't even tuck me in yet!
~
OoOo You Can Just Feel The Sexual Tension -
It's the morning and everyone's lounging around the kitchen/dining area, eating breakfast and not talking much.
Malon: I wonda how they got these French toast pieces so small? *Gazing at French toast cereal in amazement* Them French are pretty crafty.
Link: _
Zelda: _
Link: _
Zelda: _ Stop looking at me!
Link: _ I'm not... I'm looking at... the wall behind you.
Nabooru: Um k, you guys are acting weird.... Ganon, I wish you wouldn't use Rauru as a table, taking advantage of his stupid-ness.
Ganon: *Resting his bowl on Rauru's head* He doesn't care and its convenient.
Rauru: Hee hee. It tickles! (A_A) Plus I get to eat anything he drops! Whose being taken advantage of now huh?
Nabooru: ...Yup still you. Hmm where's Ruto?
Link: Still sleeping. Why do you have to question a good thing?
Ruto: *Bursts from her bedroom, wrapped in a feathered robe* Good morning, all you beautiful - yet not as stunning as me - people. I heard my name and woke up exactly at that moment.
Link: -___- Good job, Nabooru.
Zelda: _ You're looking at me again!
Nabooru: Enough! What's going on with you two?
Rauru: HOUSE MEETING!
Nabooru: -_- Was that really necessary? We're all in the living room anyways...
Rauru: No but I just wanted to say it. Heh.
Nabooru: Well I guess that's a good thing because I can bring up a point. I don't know what went on between Zelda and Link but it's getting really annoying. I think I speak for the house when I say all this tension is driving me insane!
Link: So maybe I was looking at you huh? Whatchya gonna do about it? (o)_(o)
Zelda: *Starts to cry like Tonya from New Orleans* Someone make him stop!
Nabooru: Grrr! That's it; I'm throwing you both together in the closet and locking the door! I don't know if it'll work but I really don't care; as long as I don't have to hear you two have your stupid fights!
Nabooru drags Zelda and Link into a closet and pushes the couch against the door.
Zelda: *Bangs on the door a few times* Let me out! Let me out, I'd rather be pecked in the eyes by Cuccos then be locked in a room with Link!
Nabooru: *Trying to be nonchalant* Hm do you hear anything, Ganon? Because I don't...
Ganon: It sounds like Zelda pleading to be let out of a closet....
Nabooru: -_- Shuttap... I'll let you out in a few hours, Zelda.
Zelda: O Goddesses, this is so illegal. *Sits down on a box and glares at Link* I hope you know this is all your fault. If you hadn't been staring at me none of this would have happened.
Link: My fault!? You're the one who slapped me last night!
Zelda: Ya well, you kissed me!
Link: *Sarcastic* O I'm sorry, I thought I'd finally melted that block of ice you call a heart but I guess it was temporary.
Zelda: Good, the sooner you get it through your thick head that we will never be together, the sooner we can get out of here and live the rest of our lives far far away from each other!
However as they've argued they've moved closer and closer together...
Link: Good. The less I see of you... *Staring with longing at her, his face only an inch away from her's* and you're wide beautiful blue eyes.... and you're cute little nose... and you're perfect kissable lips... the better!
Suddenly romantic music begins to play.
Link: Huh? Where's that coming from?
Ganon: *Other side of the door* It's me singing, "Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady". Now take your own advice and stop questioning a good thing! P.S. I take requests.
Again the romantic mood returns and they look into each other's eyes.
Zelda: Link, I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. I guess... deep down I was afraid. I was afraid... we'd loose oxygen in this closet and start hallucinating we were in a cruise ship Congo line... but mostly I was afraid... afraid of falling head over heels in love with you.
Link: I love you too, Zel.
Suddenly they begin to kiss and the camera angle swirls. Steam starts to fog the lens and a shower in running. The pair tumbles into it, still kissing and their clothes getting drenched.
Zelda: Wha? There isn't a shower in the coat closet!
Link: Shhh. Don't question it.
They go on to make out and grope.
\\
Zelda: Ok I know what you all are thinking? "Has she gone crazy? I mean she's a Princess!" But I'm a teenager too and I need to have fun. I need to be me... and well, if that means being a little skanky whore... then at least I'm being true to myself.
//
Nabooru: Ok you guys can come out now. I guess this isn't going to...
She opens the closet door right then, the music cuts off, and the pair fall out onto the ground, soaked.
Nabooru: ...Work. Woah, you guys sure are hormonal and loose. You were only in there for like three minutes!
Link: Love doesn't wait, Nabooru.
Nabooru: Um k and that would mean? *Sigh* Whatever, as long as you guys aren't all weird anymore that's great.
Zelda: Ya I think we'll be fine now. In fact, I have... this thing.... in my bedroom... if you wanna go see it, Link. It's on my bed, naked. O_~
The Princess runs off to her room.
Link: O boy do I!
Link follows.
Nabooru: Ok I think the awkwardness was better then the glomping like bunnies. Yes much.
Ganon: *Puts his arm around her* Say, Nab, that closet shower's empty now and I have something for you to see in it. It's naked and has a great singing voice. ^_^
Nabooru: Ganon, I'd rather pluck my eyelashes out one at a time. *She walks away*
Ganon: Alright another time then!
~
Time To Leave! Don't Forget To Steal Some House Stuff -
\\
Nabooru: Well it's finally the end of our six months... and I have to admit, I'm sad to go.
//
Nabooru: The repairman that was here today said we have a gas leakage.
Rauru: OoOo that would be me. These old pipes aren't what they use to be if you get my meaning. #-#
Nabooru: Sick, Rauru! Just sick!
\\
Nabooru: Well... kinda sad. I will miss these people though.
//
Ruto is counting dozens of twenty-dollar bills and sitting on her bed. Nabooru walks by.
Nabooru: Ruto! Where'd you get all that money?
Ruto: Well... I was running low on cash and I have all these extra eggs just lying around in me, going to waste...
Nabooru: Gah! And all that caviar I've been eating... Its not...
Ruto: *Whistles guiltily*
\\
Nabooru: Ok... So I'll kinda miss them. But it's been fun taking a break from governing my clan and I've enjoyed making new friends. I know the bonds I've made with people here will last me a lifetime... or until I get a restraining order.
//
\\
Zelda: Its time to go home and I can honestly say I wish I had another month... and not just because of the fact that my dad will execute me when I get home and he sees the show. In the beginning I was here because I wanted to show the world how perfect and moral I could be. However this experience has taught me to let go and be able to admit I'm wrong sometimes. I've learned its ok to care about people and I've learned its ok to look like a fool. After all the bloopers are the funniest parts!
//
And so a bloopers montage begins.
Malon is staring reaaalllllyyyy close at the toaster in amazement. Suddenly toast pops up and hits her in the eye. She screams and covers her face.
~
Ruto is on a date with a really cute guy. They walk into a Sushi restaurant and suddenly a swarm of Japanese cooks come out.
Ruto: Hey put me down!
Cooks: Comah onah! Peoplah waitingah!
A few minutes later her date is served a dish. One roll had her eye, the other her mouth, the other her hand, and so on...
Ruto: This is so embarrassing.
~
Rauru: Can I call you Clair Bear?
Clair: *Reading her book and not looking up* No.
Rauru: Get it? Like Care Bear, but Clair Bear!
Clair: No.
Rauru: Can I....
Clair: No.
Rauru: Caaaannnn I....
Suddenly a lightening bolt comes down from the sky and fries Rauru. He turns all crispy and coughs out a cloud of ash.
Goddesses: I know we said we wouldn't help but come on, that was painful even to us.
Rauru: O-O Owwie.
~
End montage.
\\
Rauru: Even though I can't leave because I'm still stuck in this hole and have actually gained weight.... ;-; I'm still gonna miss everyone! This was a blast and I loved making so many new friends. I've learned I can count on my friends to at least try to help me out of any problems that happen in my life and that it really is possible to get splinters in every possible part of my body. So long everyone! I hope the people that move in here next are as nice as you and don't mind having a fat man living with them. ^_^
//
Zelda and Link are at the airport. Its Zelda's time to go home.
Zelda: I'm really going to miss you, Link... *A tear starts to fall* Huh? What's that wet thing coming from my eye? Am I leaking? O my Goddesses, I'm crying!
Link: Awww for me? I'll miss you too, Z my girl.
The hug and kiss.
Link: Ya know, we live only like an hour away from each other....
Zelda: Link, you don't honestly think a hot commodity such as myself could wait around for you do you?
Link: Bu...
Zelda presses a finger to his lip, silencing him.
Zelda: Shhh, Link. It's easier this way. Good bye, my love. Good bye.
Link watches her walk away and then stares at her plane. He sees a slender figure outlined in the plane window and she shakes hands with some man. Then she makes out with him.
Link: *Sigh* ;_;
\\
Link: Well this is the end of the road, folks. This has been a really great experience for me and I guess got my Zelda in the end.... Even though she told me never to write or visit her again because it would be too painful... It's been a strange wild trip, with a lot of laughs along the way. I know I'll miss everyone. I'll miss Nabooru's dry cruel wit, how Rauru can burp the alphabet backwards and in Swahili, Zelda's French kisses, Malon's weird hick tales, Ganon's weird obsession with Cher, Ruto's.... well... I'll think of something later... I guess the only thing I can say is I had a blast!
//
THE END
(EXCEPT FOR THE HUNDRED RE-RUNS THAT WILL AIR)