Authors Notes:
Yay, my tres try at humor! Third times a charm I'm told... Anyways this is a half rip off of Jeopardy and another half rip off of the SNL skits about the game show. What do you get when you combine these two? A hilarious, sidesplitting fic that's what! Now hop on a train to funny Ville and visit your good friend Mr. Amusing... @_@ I watch way too many Mr. Rogers re-runs. (Awww! I miss that old, cardigan wearing biznatch!)
Disclaimer:
I do own The Legend Of Zelda Corporation! In fact, I'm a rich multimillionaire! I even own you! Now dance, slave, dance! *Clap clap* ::You start to dance:: XD Mu ha ha ha!
Also some naughty language! Whoopee!
Hyrule TV ShowsBy Jasmina Bobina
Chapter Three: Jeopardy For Dummies
There is a sound stage and some weird creepy blue background. (I really forgot how the Jeopardy set looks... If you know what it looks like then just imagine that... And if you do then O MY GOD WHAT A LOSER YOU ARE! GAH HA HA! ::Readers through stones at her:: Note to self - Do not mock people with easy access to stones.) Alex Trebek walks onto the set wearing his usual suit and his trademark mustache.
Trebek: Hello and welcome to Jeopardy - Hyrule Addition. Today proves to be a very challenging day... Or so my cue cards say as I read them with skepticism and hope to God I pass out unconscious during this taping. Our contestants today are....
Trebek: Malon.
Malon is wearing a yellow and red sequined cowboy shirt, a jean skirt, and a cowboy hat. Her red hair is poofed up and she smiles at the crowd and waves.
Malon: Well howdy ya'll. I'm more excited to be here then a rattlesnake crawling up a fat man's behind, ya hear!
Trebek: I'm sure you are. Moving on, we have.... A skeletal.
The spider thing looks around with his eight eyes and venom drips from his fangs.
Skeletal: I will kill you.
Trebek: If only I were that lucky. Our third contestant is... Rauru.
Rauru is wearing a brown robe. He smiles.
Rauru: Well hello, Al! May I call you Al?
Trebek: No. You asked me that the last time you were on the show and the answer is still no.
Rauru: Ok, fair enough. Actually it's a funny story, the last time I was on the show I actually had a score of -101 points so now I have to work on Jeopardy to pay back the money I owe you guys. I'm a part time janitor around the set and also a contestant.
Trebic: No, that was not a funny story. I got as much enjoyment out of that little yarn if I poked my eyeballs out with a sharp stick, but thank you. Our fourth contestant, who has hopefully broke free and run from this Hell, is... (I know there are usually only three contestants but guess what? I'm the author and what I say goes! ::People raise their stones to throw and I cower back:: Alright, majority rule is great too. Nice readers, good readers. Your getting me back for making you dance aren't you? ^_^;;) Darunia.
The Goron King is folding his arms and he looks angry.
Darunia: Suck the big one, Trebek.
Trebek: Indeed. Now on with the first round. Our topics are as follows...
As he says each one a topic on the board lights up.
Trebek: People who are Zelda, cheeses, words that start with 'S', things that are yellow, and noises. Now since no one won the coin toss back stage, because Rauru ate the coin...
Rauru: Tee hee. Well we can find out what side it lands on in a few days...
People in crowd faint and puke.
Trebek: I think I just threw up in my mouth. The person to go first is Skeletal. What is your topic?
Skeletal: I will hide in your bed at night and when you turn down your blankets I will KILL you.
Trebek: How about I just choose for you? People who are Zelda for $500. The answer to the question is - She is our current Princess and her name is in the topic. Can anyone give the question?
*Buzz*
Darunia: It's 'people'.
Trebek: Let me remind you that you must answer in the form of a question.... And even if you had, you still would have gotten the answer terribly, terribly wrong and I still would be wishing I were plummeting to my death instead of being here, listening to you answer that question. Anyone else?
*Buzz*
Darunia: You think you can play games with me, Trebek? Well you can't! Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?" Ha! That will show those question-asking punks, going around asking all their crazy questions.
Trebek: Yes, you certainly showed him. Anyone else please? God almighty, someone else answer. Rauru, you are friends with this person, I know for a fact that you had dinner with her last week.
Rauru: That could be a lot of people. I eat five dinners each day.
*Ding* The timer goes off signifying the end of that question's time.
Trebek: The answer was Zelda. She is our Princess and she was in the topic. Also, I think blood is now trickling from my ears as I suffer a brain hemorrhage. Continuing on, Malon, you get to pick the next topic.
Malon: I'llllllll taaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkeeeeeeee..... *Peers at board*..... Igloo.... children....
Trebek: That is not an actual topic.
Malon: Whispjnw wehuerpo?
Trebek: And you just made up your own words.
Malon: ALRIGHT! I can't read! Ya happy now!? =*( My pa never taught me no book readin, alright!
Trebek: Great, our only sane contestant is illiterate. *Sigh* Then I will once again choose the topic. How about we go with words that start with 'S' for 1000. The answer is - Something you wear on your feet. Now this can be anything you wear on your feet, for instance a 'sock', a 'shoe', or we would even accept 'skin'.
*Buzz*
Rauru: My cat killed a mouse yesterday and I found it on my porch. At first I felt sad... Then I felt hungry... I don't remember what happened after that...
Trebek: Well that rant was most disturbing and not in the least bit worth the time it took to listen to it. Does anyone know the answer?
*Buzz*
Skeletal: I will hide away in your cereal... and then you will pour me in a bowl... You will eat me... and then I will crawl around in your intestines... until you eventually release me into your toilet and flush me down into the sewers... I will float in the sewers for months traveling all over Hyrule... Eventually I will be flushed back to your house... I will hide in your bed at night and when you turn down your blankets I will KILL you.
*Ding*
Trebek: I'm sorry, you are out of time. The correct answer is 'what is a shoe'? Once again everyone's score is -100 points and everyone owes us money, which we will make you pay up. Even if you were to say, change your name to Sauru and move into your parent's basement.
Rauru: I know not of this Sauru character you speak of, sir. ^.^;;
Trebek: The person to choose the topic next is Darunia. Why they have me even say that is a mystery because we all know he will just end up saying something completely irrelevant and I will have to choose yet again. But go on, the rating's whores upstairs are forcing me so lets make this quick.
Darunia: Whores eh? I know a whore, Trebek, it's your mother!
Trebek: Yes, thank you for making that quick... yet oddly just as painful. Now I will choose...
Darunia: Hey, Trebek! How is your mother like an elevator?
Trebek: *Sigh* How?
Darunia: ... I forgot the punch line, but "your mother's a whore"!
Trebek: Hilarious. Moving on, the topic is noises for 100. The answer is - the sound a cow makes. We all learned this in second grade, which means none of you have a chance in Hell of getting this correct.
*Buzz*
Darunia: Moo.
Trebek: (n)_(n) O my... O my God! You just got an answer correct! Are we taping this?! Now Darunia, all you have to do is put that in the form of a question and you will have 100 points, bringing your score to 0 and you will be in first place. Just say "What is moo?".
Darunia: That's the sound your mother made last night! HA!
Trebek: :{( Well I certainly fell right into that one. For a moment I believed this show might have some dignity but now I see it never ever will. Onto the next topic, Rauru you may choose.
Rauru: Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."
Trebek: That story was highly off topic and I believe you may have ADD. Again I will pick and I choose cheeses. Since this is some type of food I am hoping you will get it right Rauru. The answer is - It is blue and in salad dressing. Again it is blue, a BLUE CHEESE.
*Buzz*
Rauru: My nephew asked me why it was raining; the cute thing I told him was "Because The Goddesses are crying". When he asked me why they were crying, another cute thing I said was, "Because they hate you".
Trebek: A rousing story. Incase you may not have been able to tell from the dry tone of my voice, I was being very sardonic. Anyone else?
*Buzz*
Trebek: Rauru buzzes in once again. Will someone please take the buzzer away from him?
*Buzz*
Rauru: ::FFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT:: (YES that is the sound of a fart! Alright!)
People faint and scream with horror.
Trebek: O God! Not only does it smell like rotten eggs and I am getting dizzy from the fumes, but the most disturbing thing is you 'buzzed' in to relieve yourself.
Rauru: ^#_#^ In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.
Darunia: His rear hole sang a melody! Ha ha!
Trebek: Well while we air out the study and I take a very very long shower, preferable in choleric acid, we will cut to a commercial break.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some cheesy girly music starts to play, probably something by Jewel or something. There are a bunch of girls sitting around a circle at a slumber party, painting their nails and doing other 'girly' stuff.
Zelda: *In pink pjs* So, who do you girls like?
Malon: *Wearing yellow pjs. Blushes.* Link...
Ruto: *Wearing... nothing.* Link? Me too!
Saria: *Wearing green pjs* I... like Link too... How about you, Zelda?
Zelda: I confess, I like Link too!
Announcer: Its hard when there just don't seem to be very many attractive men around. As is the case in Hyrule, were there is... only one. BUT NOW, with the amazing new hotline system, you can order a life mate of your very own!
Zelda opens the door to see a balding guy with his stomach hanging out over his jeans.
Zelda: Hi. What's your name?
Gus: Gus.
Zelda: What do you do for a living?
Gus: I'm a plumber. *Scratches his exposed crack*
Zelda: I think..... I'm in love. 3_______3
Jewel music plays again. We see a montage.
Gus is pushing Zelda on a swing.
Zelda: Higher, Gus, higher!
Gus: Ok...
The swing goes higher...
Zelda: Aaaaahhhhhh!
It swing comes back empty and Gus looks around.
Gus: Zelda? Well, I'm gonna go have a beer.
The next scene they are playing 'Scrabble' together.
Zelda: Yay! I spelt 'Defense' for a bunch of points! Your turn, Gussy poo.
Gus: Um... I spelt 'Go' for two points.
Zelda: O.... K. Yippee! I spelt 'Soccer' for a lot of points! Your turn again, sweetie pie sugar bunch o wallay wallay.
Gus: I spelt 'hjsdkko'. I win!
Zelda: Wha! Wait! That's not even a word...
Gus: Yes it is.
Zelda: Let's check in my handy dandy pocket dictionary. *Starts checking* Told ya, I don't see it!
Gus: *Gets angry. Takes book, rips it in half, and throws it in her face. Calms down.* O whoops. I'm such a butter fingers. Well, I'm gonna get a beer.
Another scene is outside and Zelda is playing on a type of water slippery slide. You know, those kid things people put in their yards. The thing I was playing on when I was little with my friends and my bathing suit top rode up and everyone laughed at me. HEY ITS NOT MY FAULT I'M FLAT... O hehe where'd that come from? ^^;;
Zelda: Weeee! Come on out, Gus, this is fun!
Gus: Okkk, here I come!
Gus comes out wearing a red Speedo and parts are blurred out because it's not a pretty sight folks.
Zelda: ACK!!!! I mean... whoopee?
Gus: Alright, here I go on the slide! Stand back, I'm going...
He starts to run and slide on it. Basically, its not a nice sight at all.
Zelda: GAH! MY EYES, MY EYES ARE ON FIRE! I mean... with your hotness?
Last scene, they are sitting together on the couch watching a movie.
Zelda: Did you rent 'How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days' like I asked you to?
Gus: O ya, that's what I wanted to tell you. The guy at the movie place said they were all out... So I got 'Girls Gone Wild III: Shower Fun' instead.
Zelda: But, Gus, I don't wanna watch that! That's gross!
Gus: Nosa! See, it says 'Girls' right in the title - that means it's for girls, silly!
They are about to play it when the door busts open and police men walk in.
Police Guy: Zelda, I'm sorry to inform you that Gus is a wanted felon in over 102 countries; there are only 101 countries but Taiwan said he is wanted there twice, once for murder... and another for kicking a small cat. We've been looking all over for you, Gus. You're coming with us, you sicko. ;-; That cat was only a baby, just a little kitten; you didn't even give it a chance.
They take Gus away.
Zelda: Noooo!!! Not my Gus! I'll bake you a cake with a nail file in it, sweetie... O I probably shouldn't have said that with the police right there. Drat.
Announcer: Is that proof enough for you that our program really does work? No? WELL SORRY, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE PUNK. HERE'S MORE PROOF, SO GO SHOVE IT UP YOUR PIE HOLE!
Jewel: *Plays guitar and acts like they've come in the middle of a recording session* My hands are small I know, they're not yours they are my own... O hey! My name's Jewel and I'm a singer that you have probably all heard of already. But you've probably never heard that I was born and raised in Alaska! Yes I'm sure your all thinking "What the Hell? Alaska!? The only things that live there are Polar Bears and girls that don't shave their pits." Yes and yes to both..... You see, growing up in my small Alaskan town, there weren't many men at all to choose from. Especially with my freakishly small hands. I know people think its just symbolism in my song but no, really, I have tiny tiny hands, midget-like even. Kids taunted me about them, my mom use to say stuff like "Hey small hands freak, who isn't really my child because I screwed everyone in this town, and who has a learning disability." It wasn't pretty, my friends. But when I heard about the program and I ordered my soul mate, well my life sure changed! My partner, Joe, was a blessing in my life. Although he has a previous marriage and five children, he gave it all up to live in Alaska with me. He was the one who encouraged me to sing and write songs. When I would sing in front of stores and people would throw gum in my hair and say, "Shut up already!" Joe was there to comfort me. He gave me the confidence I needed to say to my mother finally, "Hey, I am a good person and you were wrong... about some of that stuff." Now I can say with all honesty, I love Joe. Even if after I became rich he sued me for half of my money.
Announcer: Now do you believe me? If you say no one more time, so help me God, I'll burn down your house and kidnap your grandma, I'm not lying... So if you'd like your own life mate call us today at 1-800-SEXY-STUD-4YOU. We guarantee same day shipping! All of our eligible bachelors are from the Bronx and New Jersey area and are never over the age of 65... except for Steve, who is 84 but still sexy! So come on, stop searching for that Mr. Right and settle for Mr. Right Now!
Disclaimer: Sexy Studs INC. is not responsible for any things our Sexy Studs may do, such as steal your stuff, poke you in the eye, feed your dog cheetos until it barfs, or take naked pictures of you in the shower. Sexy Studs INC. does not discriminate against anyone... Unless your Ruto and in that case, yes we do discriminate. Very much so. (Stop calling, Ruto. We will not send you a Sexy Stud.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trebek: Once again we are back with Jeopardy - Hyrule Addition, and once again I can see my career spiraling down the crapper.
Darunia: *Giggle giggle* Heh heh. He farted...
Trebek: -_- Yes he did and I will never be able to get the stench off of me. Now please lets just finish this display of legally verified insane people. The person to choose the next topic is... You know what? Screw it. I'll just pick it again. I select things that are yellow for, what the Hell, 5000. The answer is - something in the sky that's very hot. Now there is only one answer to this question but, come on! It's in the sky and its freaking yellow! In the summer you put _blank_ block on to keep it from burning you...
*Buzz*
Malon: Ah love tha summa time! Las summa me an little boy blue went over the hill to blow his horn... When my ma found out she nearly tanned my hide!
Trebek: I see your mouth move but I can't understand anything that comes out of it. Will someone please answer the question? You can also get a _blank_ tan...
*Buzz*
Rauru: Another time my nephew asked me how Santa Claus could live forever. I told him its because he drinks blood. I don't know why he cried, the whiny little brat.
Trebek: Again I am amazed at how you are still considered a functioning member of society... And I have the irresistible urge to punch you.
*Ding*
Trebek: Time is up. The correct answer was 'What is the sun?'
*Buzz*
Darunia: That hot b@stard in the sky that's always smiling down at me with his smug little yellow face. ONE DAY I'LL GET YOU SUN, ONE DAY! *Raises clenched fist in the air*
Trebek: Darunia, that was the answer to the question I just asked.
Darunia: O so you think you're Mr. Smarty pants huh? You know all the answers? Well I know your little secret, Trebek! You wouldn't be so smart if you didn't have those cue cards! Everyone, he reads off of cards! CARDS, people!
Trebek: If you're finished with your diluted outburst, we will begin the final round. This is the last question; our subject is people in history. The answer is... No, this question is too hard so I will make up me own. Name a person, just any person. It can be a friend, a neighbor, you could even write down 'me'.
*Dun ah dun ah dun ah dun* The annoying 'thinking' music plays and the contestants are busy scribbling away.
Trebek: Ok first up is Darunia; let's see what you wrote. You answered "His butt hole talked" and you wagered "Tee hee".
Darunia: (A_A) It really did. You heard it.
Trebek: Yes, yes it did. Thank you for playing and better luck next time... Hopefully there will be no next time or I may be forced to get drunk before I go on the set to be able to endure the agonizing pain of listening to you. Moving on we have Skeletal. Let's see what you have. You answered "Watch your back" and you wagered "Trebek".
Skeletal: I will KILL you!
Trebek: I wish you would so then I wouldn't have to do it myself. Unfortunately however that is the wrong answer. Next up is Malon, God help us. Lets take a look at what you wrote. You answered, "Look" and you wagered "Behind you..."
Trebek turns around and sees Skeletal behind him.
Skeletal: o_ I will KILL you! *Twitchy eyeball*
Trebek: Gah! Get in your seat, please! I think my heart just stopped out of sheer lack of a will to live.
Skeletal crawls back to his seat grumbling.
Trebek: Alright and the last person is Rauru. Let's get this over with, Sage. You answered "I'm not wearing any pants". O my God! I do not want to read the rest but I have to so... You wagered "Or underpants". -_- This show has just hit an all-time low.
Rauru: #^_^# He he. I can feel the breeze on me bottom...
Trebek: That is all for today. Once again everyone has negative points and you all are now slaves to the Jeopardy show. Your first duty is to make Rauru put on pants, God willing. I am Alex Trebek and this was Jeopardy - Hyrule Addition. Now I am going to go drink a bottle of whisky and cry because I have become a miserable, broken man.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Closing Notes: Well chapter three is over, what did you think? Hopefully this gets more reviews then my last chapter "The Not-So-Real World"! But it really doesn't matter all that much, I have fun writing it anyhow! I'm in the process of writing "The Singles" too for all that care.
Guy in the back: WHICH IS NO ONE!
Me: I thought I kicked you out of my theater!?
Guy: You did but then you put me back in to get laughs b/c you fic was sucking.
Me: O hehe ^_^;; So it was... But I think people liked it.
Guy: NOT ME!
Me: SHUTTUP YOU! Now I remember why I booted you out in the first place...
Well love you all! "What is good-bye?" He he, I made a jeopardy joky poo!
Guy: For it to be a joke it would have to be funny...
Me: What's your deal anyways? Why do you yell out random mean things?
Guy: What I say is MEAN!? I didn't know that, no wonder I have no friends!
Me: -_- You're being sarcastic aren't you?
Guy: Surely.
Poll - Do you prefer longer chapters?
A) No, my attention span is the size of a pea... What were we talking about again? O ya pee pee! Ha ha!
b) Yesa! The longer the better, as my momma always use to say... She was a perv.
c) It doesn't matter; I like 'em either way.
d) WHO CARES?! DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THEN ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!?
e) I'm not wearing any pants. ^ n ^ *Giggle giggle*