Author's Notes: Whoopee! My very own notes, all mine......... o.O O ya I have to say something important don't I? This is a fic about the show Friends, where a group of thirty something rich-bitch actors play twenty something friends in every day life situations. Now on with the show!
Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend Of Zelda or Friends.... Wait, I have friends, I just don't own the show. Get what I mean? (Guy in last row: NO YOU DON'T! STOP LYING!) ;--; Well you don't have to be so mean about it, Jeesh...
Hyrule TV ShowsBy Buddha Jasmine, Spiritual Guru To The Insane
Chapter Three: Friends In HyruleZelda and Saria are hanging out in their apartment. Saria is cooking something while Zelda gets ready for her job as a waitress.
Saria: Can you try my blueberry muffins?
Zelda: Sure... *Takes a bit of a muffin* @_@ GACK, HACK, UCK! Uh... I mean mmmm.
Saria: Do you really like them?
Zelda: That depends, Saria. Is there supposed to be a layer of charred ash?
Saria: *Sigh* Another failed batch! Maybe I should have never started this catering business... Maybe I should have just followed my dad's advice when I called him and said, "Daddy, I'm opening a catering service!" He said to me, "1 - Don't call me Daddy. You're a 50-year-old Kokiri who was born out of one drunken night and how was I supposed to know I could get a Deku Tree pregnant. 2 - No you can't, you don't have any cooking skills."
She dumps them on a growing mound of muffins in their kitchen.
Zelda: Nonsense, you'll do fine, your father was wrong..... about some of that schtuff. In the mean time, what are we going to do with these muffins? I know, lets give them to the neighbors as gifts!
Saria: Already tried... *She goes to open the door and there is a mound of muffins in the doorway.*
Suddenly a muffin flies through the air, knocking Saria out. Zelda lifts it up and the blueberries are made to spell something out. It reads: Anymore of this crap, and you'll pa...
Zelda: NO NOT "PA"!! DAMN YOU BASTARDS, DAMN YOU AND YOUR "PA" TO HELL! *Raises muffin and squelches it in her fist* O yuck.
Neighbor: I meant 'Anymore of this crap, and you'll pay'. I ran out of blueberries. ^^;; Prolly shouldn't have used that extra one to make the comma.
Zelda: O hehe.... Well what we need now is someone with a total lack of taste and a lardy gut to scoff away all these muffins.
Rauru: Yo, whatchyou doin!
Rauru enters wearing a wife beater. (GAH!!! ME EYES!!! MAN BOOBIES ARE NOT A PRETTY SIGHT, PEOPLE!!)
Crowd: OOOOWWW OWWWW! HOTT STUFF!
Zelda: 0.0 ...I don't think Rauru's ever been called 'hott stuff' since that time he caught fire.
Crowd: We mean 'YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY'!
Zelda: Ok, better.... Rauru, do you think you could eat this pile of Saria's muffins for us?
Rauru: I guess... I mean I just finished eating an English breakfast....
English Man: *Muffled, from Rauru's tummy* Righty oh, chap! Jolly good, whot! Care for a spot of tea?
Rauru: *Punches gut* I told you to SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE, BRIT!
English Man: *Still in his dozen-chambered stomach* Course, ol boy! Bloody Hell!
Zelda: Uh.... Anyway, dig in!
Rauru: Munch munch munchy munch!
He starts to eat away at the hill when the Muffin Man emerges from the mound.
Muffin Man: HEY, TUBBY BOY! Leave my house on Mulberry Lane alone!
Rauru: No way! A duel, sir... *Takes a fork and duels the Muffin Man with it, using it like a sword.*
Muffin Man: *Jumps from fork and runs around, being chased by Rauru.* BAH!!!! You know the Muffin Man - YOU'LL KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN'S FOOT WHEN IT MAKES CONTACT WITH YOUR BOOTAY!!!! *Gets stabbed by fork.*
Rauru: *Eats poor Muffin Man* Looks like a babay, get in my bellay!!!
Saria: !_! That was almost as crazy as when you made a grilled 'Cheese Stands Alone' sandwich last week, Rauru.
Malon comes in the door just then, dressed in a long flow-y skirt and sandals.
Malon: Hey, guys! Do any of you have, like, some shrimp and an over-sized, giant toothbrush?
Saria: I have a whole bag full of shrimp...
Rauru: And I have an over-sized, giant toothbrush....
Saria: -__-
Rauru: Hey, I use it to get my back teeth! Have you ever gotten a child stuck in YOUR back molars? It smarts!
Saria: Riiight.... Why do you need all that, Malon?
Malon: I was on a trip to, like, the Zora's Domain and I, like, visited Jabu Jabu. He told me he hates it there and he wanted to escape.
Zelda: A.... whale spoke to you, Malon?
Malon: Well not spoke with actual words, but I could read his eyes..... He also said he hates Ruto too and always tries to swallow her but the little turd always finds a way out.... Anyway, I, like, stole Jabu Jabu and brought him to my house. He's in my bathtub right now; I plan to set him free in the ocean later.
Rauru: *In Cartman voice* GOD DAMN HIPPIE! You silly, silly granola crunching, dirty hemp smoker, when will you learn animals were put on this earth for us to eat and poke at for amusement? They like it; cows are slow and dumb for a reason!
Malon: That's, like, horrible! Whatever, I'm not, like, a vegetarian because I, like, like animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. STUPID MOTHA FRICKIN CARROTS!!! *Takes out carrot stick*
Carrot: CARROTS WILL RULE YOU ONE DAY!!! ALL WILL BE CARROT'S SLAVES - *Malon chomps on him* AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! NOT MY CRUNCHY, DELICIOUS BODY!!!! NOOOOOO!!!
Zelda: Well, guys, I have to go to work and since you all have no lives or jobs, I guess you'll come meet up at The Central Perk too!
ALL: YA!!!!!
English Man: Finally, a decent spot of tea!
Rauru: *Jabs gut* I THOUGHT I TOLD YA TO PIP DOWN, LIMEY!!!!!!
*
The gang is sitting on The Central Perk couch, hanging out like they creepily always do.
Saria: Mido, try one of my special brownies. I made 'em just for you! ^#_#^
Mido: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..... Special, I gotchya. *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.* O_~
He eats a brownie and starts to look spacey.
Mido: Cool! I'm already seeing lots of colors!
Saria: Colors!? WELL THAT'S WEIRD, I WONDER WHY!!!
Mido: Uh, you know why, because they're special. They have a 'magical' ingredient.
Saria: Ya, I guess so but I wouldn't call it 'magical'. It's just a dash of oregano; you prolly can't even taste it.
Mido: OOOOOOOOOO....... Rrrriiiight, oregano - so that's what you call it on the streets. ^____________^
Saria: Um k.... Link, will you stop staring at Zelda?
Link is staring at Zelda as she waits on tables and bends over in her short uniform skirt.
Link: Huh! Wha was that? @_@ I AM NOT! I was just looking in that general direction generally.
Saria: You were staring so long without blinking you got eye crust.
Link: O.O NOSA! *Tries to blink but can't after not doing it for so long. Finally he uses his hands to force down his eyelids.* See, there! Blinky blink blink!
Mido: Dude, guy, don't move! SHHHHHH! That lamp near you is starting to dance! Wooo wooo you shake that bulb!!!!
Zelda: *She approaches them.* o.O What's wrong with him?
Mido jumps up on a table and takes off his shirt, whirling it over his head and dancing!
Mido: Its so hott in here! GOD, WHY'S IT SO HOTT!!!!! I am getting so hott... I'm gonna take off all my clothes!
Everyone: (OoO) LORD, NOOOOOOOOOOO -
Too late, Mido drops his pants and everyone closes their eyes.
Everyone: XD GAH!!!! I'VE BEEN BLINDED!!!!
Mido: MAH HA HA!!! I am nakkie man, see my exposed bum bum and cower!!!!! *He runs from the café and down the street, screaming.*
Saria: @_@ Maybe he's allergic to oregano.....
Zelda: ANYWAYS.... What do you guys want to order?
Saria: I'll take a coco.
Malon: I'll have a coffee... except no milk.... no sugar........ no coffee....
Zelda: So basically you want just a cup?
Malon: Exxaaaaccccccttlllyyy! ^_____^
Zelda: What would you like, Link?
Link: I'll have you -
Zelda: Uh excuse me?
Link: O.O I....... said...... "I'll have poo"....
Zelda: Poo?
Link: That's what I asked for isn't it?
Zelda: Okkkk? I'll see if we have any.... poo....
Link: *Talking to himself.* Phew. Good save, Link.
Zelda: And what do you want Rauru?
Rauru: Nothing, thanks.
Everyone: NOTHING!? YE GODS, HELL HAS FINALLY FROZEN OVER AND SATAN IS A PUSH UP POPSICLE!!!!!!!
Rauru: Nah, I just had a big lunch is all.... *Stomach grumbles* BBBBBUUUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPPPPP!
An English Man falls out of his mouth. He is wearing a bowler hat and a suit.
English Man: JIMINY CRICKET!!! DAYLIGHT, I SEE DAYLIGHT AND NOT FROM OUT OF RAURU'S REAR HOLE!!! YIPPPEEE!! I'M BLOODY FRICKEN FREE!!!
He runs off and Rauru hiccups. A hemp woven collar pops out, initialed with a detailed J.J.
Malon: O My... GOD!! That's Jabu Jabu's collar! You.... ATE MY WHALE!!!!
Rauru: I DID?!? MAYBE THAT'S WHY I HAVE THAT HUGE WHALE INDENTATION IN MY TUMMY....
Rauru lifts up his shirt to show a massive big lump shaped as a whale. Jabu Jabu makes a whale noise and blows out of his blowhole.
JJ: Mmmmrrrrrrrrrr!
Malon: How could you eat such an innocent creature, Rauru? ;_;
Rauru: *Shrug* I dunno... He looked up at me with those big whale eyes and made his little whale noise... AND I ATE THE B@STARD!!!! *Cartman voice yet again* I don't care; I'll do what I want! SERVES HIM RIGHT FOR BEING SO FRIGGIN INNOCENT, ITS LIKE HE WAS JUST SAYING "COME ON AND EAT MY SCRUMP-TILIUMPTIOUS BLUBBER!!!
Malon: I guess it's just the circle of life... I think I need to sing; it's how I always express my emotions.
Malon goes on the small café stage and takes out an acoustic guitar.
Malon: *Singing* I found you in a pool. ~ You had cute eyes and your water was filled with your stool. ~ It was love at first sight. ~ Well love like friends, not creepy sexual love, that wouldn't be right.
Everyone claps.
Malon: Thank you. I have one more. *Sings again* I'm trying to sing a song about my whale. ~ But I can't really tell my tale. ~ There is a lady in the audience who really stinks. ~ I bet she doesn't even know it's her I'm talking about, I think. ~ You, in the front row wearing the red skirt.
Lady: M... Me??
Malon: You make my nose hurt! ~ O smelly lady, smelly lady! ~ I wish you'd go away-y! ~ O smelly lady, smelly lady! ~I'd even pay-y! (A nice adaptation to Phoebe's "Smelly Cat". I'll be selling cds of it and other Malon hits, such as the classic song featured in the LOZ game "Oooooh ooooh (Ooooohh)" and the Remixed version featuring Missy Elliott "Ooooh Ooooh (Let Me Work It)". )
Lady: ;-; *Runs from café*
Everyone claps.
Malon: Thank you, thank you. *Takes her seat again.*
Saria: LINK! Could you please make it any more OBVIOUS that you want Zelda? Your eyes are all over her!
Link: NOSA! *Link is staring at Zelda when his eyes pop out* Xo( No eyes! GAH!
Zelda: Um here, I found these on me. *Hands Link his eyeballs*
Link: Thankie... *Pops the little buggers back in* There ya go, you sillies. That's the second time that's happened this month.
Saria: Why don't you just ask her out already? God Link, this isn't second grade!
Rauru: IT ISN'T?! BUT I WANT MY NAPPIE TIME AND MY NOOKIE. WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Mido: *Runs back in the café and starts dashing in circles around the couch, his pants on his head and he's.... COMPLETELY NAKKIE! GASP!* BA HA HA!!! LOOKATME, LOOKATME, LOOKATME!!!!
Censor: (You know, the little black box that covers up naughty areas) HEY SLOW THE FRICK DOWN!!!! I NEED TO COVER YOU UP, YA STREAKIN WEIRDO!!!
Mido: No way! You think you can conceal me? WELL HA TO YOU BECAUSE I AM SPONGE BOB NUDDIE PANTS, WEARER OF ONLY SOCKS!!!
Suddenly Sponge Bob wanders onto the set.
Sponge Bob: Nosa, I am Sponge Bob Nuddie Pants!! See... *Rips off his pants*
Crowd: GASP!!!
Sponge Bob: What? I'm just a sponge; I got nothing to hide anyways!!!!
Crowd: O riiiight, we forgot.
Sponge Bob: So anyways... Why don't you calm the Hell down, you skitz-o freak of a midget! *Clotheslines Mido and he falls unconscious to the ground*
Link: THANKS! But wow, Sponge Bob dude, I had no idea you were so VULGAR! You're usually so clean and nice....
Sponge Bob: That's only when I'm on Nick! Do you actually think I walk around saying "Barnacles" and "O my crabby patties" all day long?! The real world called, Link - it said GROW UP, YOU FREAKIN FAIRY!!!! Now I gotta go take a dump, so bye, elf boy.
Sponge Bob leaves then.
Link: Jeeze, SB's a D!CK!
Saria: You said it.
Link: NO ACTUALLY I DIDN'T! I CENSORED MYSELF! SEE - "D!CK"!
Saria: -__-;; So anyways.... I don't think I'm ever going to become a good caterer!!
Rauru: *Shrugs* Waz the big dealie-o? You can cater me!
Saria: Uh are you sure, Rauru? Usually caterers cater parties, not for just one person.
Link: Uh have you ever met Rauru? The last time Zel had a party he ate all the food.... and her dog...... and one waiter. I think he eats something like eleven meals a day.
Malon: HE ATE MY WHALE!!! MY WHALLEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *Sob*
Rauru: *Rolls his eyes* I thought we moved past that whole 'whale eating' business already, Malon. Ok to make it up to you, you can have my goldfish, Skittles!
He hands her a fish bowl.
Malon: WEEEE! Wait a minute, this bowl's empty -
Rauru: O hehe. ^#o_o#^ I forgots that one time when I ordered pizza but it took a really loooong time to come...
Malon: SO YOU ATE YOUR FISH!?!? LIKE, GAH RAURU!!! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN, LIKE, YOU RUN OUTTA FOOD HUH??? YOU GONNA EAT ME?!?
Rauru: Hmmm.... You might be tasty... with some fava beans. (Kind of a 'Hannibal' reference I guess.... Sorta.... -_-;; Shuttup.)
Zelda comes over with a tray.
Zelda: Ok here you go, guys! Saria, here is your coco. Malon gets a cup and.... we're working on the poo, Link.
Link: Thank you. =^_^=
Zelda: *Sits down on the couch* Ok break time!
Saria: Shouldn't you ask your boss first?
Zelda: I.... don't..... have one...... o.O Shuddap, I can take a break if I want to!
Link: Hey, Zelda, can I ask you something?
Zelda: Uh hu....
Rauru: Do it, do it!
Link: Clam it, you! Well..... I've known you for what? Seven years now?
Zelda: Uh hu. Ever since middle school when you wet your pants and I helped you to the nurse.
Link: I remember that. Those motha flippin b@stards called me Mr. Puddles for the rest of the year! ;_;
Rauru: DO THE DEW!
Link: o.O Um ya, right. So what I'm trying to say is, well, I've been keeping a secret from you all these years.....
Zelda: You're not...... SECRETLY A WOMAN!
Link: No....
Zelda: O-M-G! YOU'RE A CYBORG MADE BY ALIENS TO SEDUCE ALL OF EARTH'S WOMEN!
Link: No! What I'm trying to say is -
Rauru: YOU ATE THE LAST OF MY CHOCO CHIP COOKIES! YOU BLEEPIN A-HOLE!
Link: NO! AND YOU KNOW MY SECRET ALREADY RAURU!
Rauru: O right, so I do. Continue. ^_^
Link: What I want to say is, Zel, I've liked you since the first day I met you....
Zelda: You.... You have!
Link: Yea, you've always been so kind. Even when the nurse made me wear that big kid diaper, you didn't even laugh......... a lot.
Zelda: I had no idea you felt like that, Link. Truth is, I've liked you for a while too.
Link: Really!? WOW! Well would you like to go out sometime?
Zelda: Course. ^_^
They start to kiss.
Crowd: WOOOOO HOOOO! LETS GET IT ON!
Zelda and Link pull apart.
Z & L: PERVS!!!!!
Crowd: n_n We sorries!!!!
Zelda: Come on, Link, let's go to the back room where we can talk.....
Link: TALK!? We just did a butt load of talking!
Zelda: No, talk-talk.
Link:..... What other kind of talking is there??
Zelda: --_--; Well there is the NAKKIED talking......
Link: *Jumps up and pulls her to the back room* NOW THAT'S MY KIND OF TALKING!
Crowd: NOW WHO'S THE PERVS!!!!!
Mido: *Moving in a heap on the floor, starting to shake.* Man, where am I? MOTHER OF BOB, I'M HAVING WICKED WITHDRAWALS!!!!! NEED...... MORE..... BROWNIES..... WILL..... KILL.... FOR...... BROWNIES.....
Saria: Um I'm flattered and all, really, but don't you think you're taking this a lil too far.... Maybe you have a food addiction, Mido. You can get help for it, ya know.
Rauru: Uh believe me, he can't. I'm the leader of the F.A.A. (Food Addicts Anonymous. Shout out!) and a little squirt like him would get eaten alive there. Really, I've seen it happen. Last time Roseanne Bar ate our newest member, just broke him right in half and ate him, it wasn't pretty let me tell ya.
Mido: HAND 'EM OVER, BIOTCH!!!!! *Grabs basket of brownies*
Saria: MIDO STOP!!!! YOU'VE TURNED INTO A MONSTER!!!!!
They have a tug of war with the basket until Saria lets go and the basket goes flying. (Strangely, in slow motion.)
Mido: NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - *Jumps for basket*
Pamela Anderson: NNNNNOOOOOO! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU, LITTLE DROWNING BOY! *Runs in slow motion.*
Saria: A) There is no little drowning boy. B) You have the wrong show.
P.A.: (o) . (o) (That's not her eyes either.....) O whoops, sorry. Every time I see slow motion I start running, my baddy.
She leaves and the scene continues. The brownies fly right into Rauru's awaiting mouth.....
Rauru: GULP. YUM.... Yet sadly just not as tasty as whale flesh..... or people flesh.....
Saria: Serves you right, Mido. You got way out of control.
Mido: SSOOOOOOBBBBBB! *Curls up in little twitchy ball on the floor* Twitch, twitch.
Rauru: Is he just gonna stay like that? ......... FUTBALL TIME!!!!!
A bunch of rugged guys with shaved heads and some missing teeth come running in, wearing uniforms and cleats. They descend on Mido, trying to kick him around like a ball.
Futball Guy #1: *Australian accent for all those who can't tell.... Well at least I hope that's an Australian accent. Dude, if an Australian person reads this I am so screwed! Stay away, Mel Gibson! Away! * I've got ya, mate!
Futball Guy #2: YA MOTHA'S A WALLABE SUCKER!
Futball Guy #1: WHY YOU DIRTY ARSE!!!! *Head butts him and his nose gushes blood. Steals Mido from him and kicks him along.*
Mido: GAH...... ORGAN FAILURE!!!!
Futball Guy #4: WELL YOUR DAD'S A PIGMY LICKA!!!! *Kicks down Guy #1 and takes Mido.*
Mido: Have I mentioned I'm in..... PAIN!?! So.... much..... pain....blacking out now....
Futball Guy #3: HEY I WAS SUPPOSED TO TALK BEFORE YOU SINCE MY NUMBER'S BEFORE YOU!
Futball Guy #4: I DON GIVE A FLIPPIN SNOT! *Rips his arm off.*
Referee: *Who just 'magically' appeared.... Blows his whistle* GAME ENDED! GUY NUMBER FOUR IS THE WINNER!
Futball Guy #4: WHO ASKED YOU, YA B@STARD! *Punches ref in the face and he's bleeding from.... everywhere?*
Referee: SHUT YA GOB, YOU ARSE JAM!!!! *Rips his.... head off. Yes his head ok. Then he shrugs and blows his whistle again.* NEW WINNER IS ME! *He leaves*
Mido: INTERNAL BLEEDING! *Lies on the ground, twitching.*
Everyone: o.O
Saria: Well at least that got Mido over his food addiction.... since his stomach is now lying on the ground by my feet......
Rauru's cell phone beeps and he answers it.
Rauru: Hey...... O.... Uh hu...... Ok..... Yup..... Ok sure...... Bye.
He hangs up his phone.
Rauru: GUYS - and by guys I mean only Saria because Link and Zelda are off glomping, Mido is passed out from a brain hemorrhage, and Malon is a stupid dirty hippie - GUESS WHAT!!!
Saria: -_- There wasn't anyone on the phone, you were just pretending to talk to someone?
Rauru: Well..... Yea. But my agent really did call me this morning and I finally have an acting gig!!!!!!
Saria: O I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!
Rauru: SO AM I! AND NOW THIS FIC WILL END SO WE CAN AIR MY GREAT ACTING DEBUT!!!!! ENJOY, LOYAL FANS OF MUI!!!!
*
It's a white set and music starts to play. Suddenly some rather hefty people come out dancing in khakis. They do all sorts of spins and stuff.
Rauru: Gap Fat, Gap Fat. Just play it cool boy, real cool. *Snaps fingers*
He does a split.
Pants: Rrriiiiipppp! Too much bootay in the pants....
Rauru: =^_^= O whoopsies. Can I see the wardrobe lady again? I hads a wittle accident.
Old Wardrobe Lady: O Gawd Damnit! Suck it in, big boy!
Rauru: Owww!
Old Wardrobe Lady: O I'm sorry; did my needle come in contact with your FAT ASS?!? (Ok totally stolen from "Zoolander". Psh, like they ever read these stories anyways... ::Gets mauled by Miramax lawyers:: Eep!)
Disclaimer: Gap Fat comes in XXXXXXL and TOO-MANY-X'S-TO-WRITE-L. As for what happened to Ruto...... We'd rather not discuss that...... Let's just say its possible he was run over by a car accidentally.... But replace "its possible" with "yes the b@stard definitely was" and "accidentally" with "repeatedly". Thank you.
*