A/N: Thanks for the good reviews! I hope you like this chapter, too!
Wicked-Wytch: Sorry, but Spike won't come back in this story. But for those who would like to see him back I might write a sequel. Do you want me to?
Disclaimer: Look at chapter 1 (-;
Chapter 2 - Aftermath
Willow woke up next to Tara. She smiled to herself while she watched her sleeping. To her she looked so beautiful then.
Usually she could spend hours doing that but now she sighed after a few minutes and laid back on her pillow.
Of course Tara had heared her and woke up. She yawned, sat up and looked at her girl-friend. "What's wrong, Will?"
"Nothing, sweety."
"What is wrong?", Tara insisted.
Willow rolled her eyes. Would she never be able to hide anything from her? She didn't need to ask for she knew the answer. "I'm worried about Buffy, she seemed so sad during the last two days. I think she blames herself for Spike's death."
"Well, he gave his life for her. Of course it's not her fault, but I think I would feel bad, too. She will get over it, I'm sure."
Then she leaned down and kissed Willow's lips.
The red haired wicca smiled a little and suddenly she seemed almost emberassed. "Tara?"
"Yes?"
"Don't you miss him, too? I ... I never thought I'd say that but I somehow got used to him. It didn't even disturb me anymore when he called me 'Red'.
"I think I know what you mean. Probably we will all miss him."
"You really think Xander would miss Spike?" Willow raised an eyebrow.
"Sure, he has nobody to quarrel with now."
"I doubt it anyway."
*********
Xander shook his head. What kind of idiot was calling him so early in the morning?
Wearily he stood up and lifted the receiver. "Xander Harris."
"Xander, I only wanted to tell you that I'm coming home today. I should be in Sunnydale at 8 o'clock in the evening."
"Giles?"
"Yes, the council didn't allow me to stay away from my slayer any longer and I think that Buffy should be better by now?"
"If you mean her death experience, yes."
"But..."
"But Spike is dead and I fear she feels responsible." He said it as if he didn't care about it at all but that only showed that he could be a good actor if he wanted to. If he had been honest he had told Giles that he was missing the vampire, too. Maybe only because there was nobody to call him "whelp" anymore. The night before, when they had been hunting vampires, he had almost expected Spike to show up and get on their nerves. And somehow he had hoped that he would.
But of course he didn't show up, he would never show up again.
There was a moment of silence. "How did that happen?", the watcher finally asked.
"There was a demon and his servants and they tried to destroy Sunnydale. We were able to kill all the servants and their master was hurt, too. But he still had his bow and he shot at Buffy..." He stopped.
"You mean he protected her?"
"Yes, the arrow hit his heart. I guess he wasn't as bad as we thought."
"No, it seems that he wasn't." After a moment of silence the watcher continued. "Will you pick me up from the airport?"
"Sure. 8 o'clock, right?
"Yes, bye Xander."
"Bye."
**********
After work Xander knocked on Buffy's door.
Willow opened and smiled a little. "Hi."
"Hi, how's Buffy?"
"She's watching TV all the time. I don't think she's any better. Come in."
"No, I have to go to the airport. Giles will be there in an hour."
"Really?"
"Yes, he called me in the morning. He said the council didn't let him stay in England because the slayer needs her watcher. But I think he just missed us."
"That's great!" Willow smiled at him brightly. "Maybe he can help Buffy"
"Yeah, come on. We'll pick him up and surprise her."
"Ok. Buffy?", she called.
"What is it?"
"I'll help Xander with something. We'll be back soon."
"Ok."
**********
Buffy didn't care where their friends were going. She didn't want to do anything except for staring at the TV and trying to forget everything around her. She didn't care at all what exactly she was watching.
They had been gone for about half an hour now and suddenly Buffy remembered something she had tried to forget for two days.
Spike's ashes.
She had to go back to the cavern! He deserved a proper grave.
As fast as she could she ran up the stairs, changed, searched for something in which she could carry the ashes and drove to the place Spike had died two nights ago.
**********
She stopped the car and walked towards the cave. It was absolutly dark inside and she had to use a flashlight.
Buffy wanted to do something she had never done before - she wanted to run away and just forget about everything.
Tears were forming in her eyes again as she went deeper into the darkness. Torches had been burning everywhere while the demon and his servants had been living here but now there was nothing left of this. Only dark walls and bats hanging down the stones, peacefully asleep.
Finally she came to the place where everything had happened. Of course everything that was left of Spike was still there. No wind could come so deep inside the cavern.
She couldn't hold back the tears anymore when she collected the ashes and took it into the vase she had brought. Then she closed it carefully and looked at it.
No, it wasn't Spike in there!
That was impossible!
It couldn't be!
She only had to go to his crypt to see him.
But she knew it wasn't true and she knew that it was useless to go to his crypt. And she felt like she would never be able to go there again.
**********
Willow flew into Giles' arms and embraced him tightly. "It's so good that you're back!"
The watcher smiled. "It's also good to see you two."
Xander took the baggage and they got to the car and drove towards Buffy's house.
"How's Buffy?", Giles asked after a few minutes of driving.
"Not much better. I think she blames herself for Spike's death", Willow said.
"Does she still slay vampires and demons?"
"Yes, the only things she's doing is killing vampires and watching TV."
"And Dawn? Wasn't she very close to him as well?"
This time Xander answered. "She doesn't know yet. She's still with her father."
"Oh yes. She told me that she would visit him for two weeks during the holidays. When will she come back?"
"In three days."
They didn't speak anymore until they reached home.
When they entered the house they called Buffy's name but got no reaction.
After they had searched for her to be sure that she was not home they met in the living room.
"Where can she be?", Xander asked.
"Maybe she's out on patrol?", Willow suggested.
"No, it's not dark enough yet", Giles said. "Maybe she's..."
Suddenly the door opened and Buffy came in. She held a vase in her hands and first she didn't even notice that her friends were there. Carefully she placed the vase on a table and then she finally looked up.
"Giles!" Obviously she was very surprised to see her watcher.
"Hello, Buffy!"
When he walked towards her she embraced him and he felt her shoulders shaking. She was silently crying on his shoulder.
It took her some time to calm down but then she parted from him, dryed her tears and sat down on the armchair.
Xander had been staring at the vase all the time. "What's in there?", he finally asked.
She hesitated as if it was hard for he to talk about it. "It's... Spike's ashes.", she whispered.
Nobody knew what to say to that and for a few moments there was a uncomfortable silence. They all looked at the vase, not knowing what to do.
Finally Buffy spoke again, her voice was still very quiet. "I thought he deserves to... to be buried."
Gently Giles took her hand. "Yes, of course he does."
**********
Two days later.
About two miles away from Sunnydale they had made a grave.
Willow and Tara had planted some flowers and Xander had made a stone with a few simple words on it:
Spike (William)
May your sins be forgiven
We will never forget you
RIP
It was small but very pretty the letters were simple and beautiful.
During the day the grave was made everyone visited it, brought some flowers or just stood there and thought of him.
Everyone except for Buffy.
She just sat at home and watched her friends coming and going. Of course the young woman knew where they were going to but she couldn't bring herself to go there, too.
In the afternoon Willow and Tara came home. "Hi Buffy."
"Hi!"
They wanted to go upstairs to change but Buffy called them back. "Hey, please wait a minute."
"What is it?", Tara asked.
"You were at his grave, weren't you?"
"Sure", Willow said and sat down next to her.
"Is it nice?"
The red-haired wicca smiled a little. "Oh yes, it's beautiful, I think he would have liked it. It's on a clearing in the wood, you really should see it. The stone is beautiful, Xander made it, and it's very peaceful there. Everyone has brought flowers, even though there a enough flowers on the meadow already. We have planted some on the grave, roses and, carnations and tulips. We can come with you if you don't want to go alone."
"No, no, it's alright", Buffy said quickly. She really didn't want to go there. It seemed impossible to stand before his grave after all that had happened. She had done him wrong, she had been so cruel sometimes - even in his last minutes of life. No, she couldn't go there, it had been hard enough to collect the ashes. "Today you have been there already. It's not necessary to go again because of me."
"That's alright. We don't have anything else to do anyway. Right, Tara?"
"Sure, that would be no problem."
Buffy shook her head. "Look, I don't want to go there. I cannot."
"It's alright", Willow said gently. "Take your time."
"I would like to go there, but I can't. You know how I've treated him." She sobbed once but didn't cry. No, she had cried enough. "He loved me, he truly did. But I have treated him like I hated him. He wasn't with us only because of the chip but I didn't want to believe it and I made him feel like... like a thing, something dead. I thought that he wasn't able to love without a soul, but he loved Dru for 200 years, didn't he? I was such a fool." Now she broke into tears, there was no way to stop it.
Tara silently walked up the stairs, she felt that the two friends needed some time alone. Willow and Buffy knew each other since High-School, they trusted each other and if anyone would be able to help Buffy it was surely Will.
The red-haired woman embraced her friend, rocked her a little and stroked her back in comforting circles. "Did you love him?", she asked after a while.
"No, I wish I had. But I just couldn't return his feelings."
"That's not your fault, you cannot choose the one you love."
"No, but I could have treated him differently. He must have felt terrible."
"He knew you didn't mean it for he never stopped loving you."
"Willow, we've slept together."
"You had sex with him without loving him?" Her eyes widened a little.
"Yes", Buffy answered quietly. "He loved me but I only used him. And he knew it. God, what have I done?" Again the slayer broke into tears and Willow held her. "After you brought me back everything inside me felt so cold. He made me feel, but it was no love. It was only... only sex."
"I see."
"Why don't you tell me that I'm a bitch, why don't you tell me how cruel I am?"
"You're too hard to yourself already and I have no right to judge you. And he didn't judge you either, I know that."
"How can you know?"
"He gave his life for you, didn't he?"
Buffy only nodded.
TBC
Wicked-Wytch: Sorry, but Spike won't come back in this story. But for those who would like to see him back I might write a sequel. Do you want me to?
Disclaimer: Look at chapter 1 (-;
Chapter 2 - Aftermath
Willow woke up next to Tara. She smiled to herself while she watched her sleeping. To her she looked so beautiful then.
Usually she could spend hours doing that but now she sighed after a few minutes and laid back on her pillow.
Of course Tara had heared her and woke up. She yawned, sat up and looked at her girl-friend. "What's wrong, Will?"
"Nothing, sweety."
"What is wrong?", Tara insisted.
Willow rolled her eyes. Would she never be able to hide anything from her? She didn't need to ask for she knew the answer. "I'm worried about Buffy, she seemed so sad during the last two days. I think she blames herself for Spike's death."
"Well, he gave his life for her. Of course it's not her fault, but I think I would feel bad, too. She will get over it, I'm sure."
Then she leaned down and kissed Willow's lips.
The red haired wicca smiled a little and suddenly she seemed almost emberassed. "Tara?"
"Yes?"
"Don't you miss him, too? I ... I never thought I'd say that but I somehow got used to him. It didn't even disturb me anymore when he called me 'Red'.
"I think I know what you mean. Probably we will all miss him."
"You really think Xander would miss Spike?" Willow raised an eyebrow.
"Sure, he has nobody to quarrel with now."
"I doubt it anyway."
*********
Xander shook his head. What kind of idiot was calling him so early in the morning?
Wearily he stood up and lifted the receiver. "Xander Harris."
"Xander, I only wanted to tell you that I'm coming home today. I should be in Sunnydale at 8 o'clock in the evening."
"Giles?"
"Yes, the council didn't allow me to stay away from my slayer any longer and I think that Buffy should be better by now?"
"If you mean her death experience, yes."
"But..."
"But Spike is dead and I fear she feels responsible." He said it as if he didn't care about it at all but that only showed that he could be a good actor if he wanted to. If he had been honest he had told Giles that he was missing the vampire, too. Maybe only because there was nobody to call him "whelp" anymore. The night before, when they had been hunting vampires, he had almost expected Spike to show up and get on their nerves. And somehow he had hoped that he would.
But of course he didn't show up, he would never show up again.
There was a moment of silence. "How did that happen?", the watcher finally asked.
"There was a demon and his servants and they tried to destroy Sunnydale. We were able to kill all the servants and their master was hurt, too. But he still had his bow and he shot at Buffy..." He stopped.
"You mean he protected her?"
"Yes, the arrow hit his heart. I guess he wasn't as bad as we thought."
"No, it seems that he wasn't." After a moment of silence the watcher continued. "Will you pick me up from the airport?"
"Sure. 8 o'clock, right?
"Yes, bye Xander."
"Bye."
**********
After work Xander knocked on Buffy's door.
Willow opened and smiled a little. "Hi."
"Hi, how's Buffy?"
"She's watching TV all the time. I don't think she's any better. Come in."
"No, I have to go to the airport. Giles will be there in an hour."
"Really?"
"Yes, he called me in the morning. He said the council didn't let him stay in England because the slayer needs her watcher. But I think he just missed us."
"That's great!" Willow smiled at him brightly. "Maybe he can help Buffy"
"Yeah, come on. We'll pick him up and surprise her."
"Ok. Buffy?", she called.
"What is it?"
"I'll help Xander with something. We'll be back soon."
"Ok."
**********
Buffy didn't care where their friends were going. She didn't want to do anything except for staring at the TV and trying to forget everything around her. She didn't care at all what exactly she was watching.
They had been gone for about half an hour now and suddenly Buffy remembered something she had tried to forget for two days.
Spike's ashes.
She had to go back to the cavern! He deserved a proper grave.
As fast as she could she ran up the stairs, changed, searched for something in which she could carry the ashes and drove to the place Spike had died two nights ago.
**********
She stopped the car and walked towards the cave. It was absolutly dark inside and she had to use a flashlight.
Buffy wanted to do something she had never done before - she wanted to run away and just forget about everything.
Tears were forming in her eyes again as she went deeper into the darkness. Torches had been burning everywhere while the demon and his servants had been living here but now there was nothing left of this. Only dark walls and bats hanging down the stones, peacefully asleep.
Finally she came to the place where everything had happened. Of course everything that was left of Spike was still there. No wind could come so deep inside the cavern.
She couldn't hold back the tears anymore when she collected the ashes and took it into the vase she had brought. Then she closed it carefully and looked at it.
No, it wasn't Spike in there!
That was impossible!
It couldn't be!
She only had to go to his crypt to see him.
But she knew it wasn't true and she knew that it was useless to go to his crypt. And she felt like she would never be able to go there again.
**********
Willow flew into Giles' arms and embraced him tightly. "It's so good that you're back!"
The watcher smiled. "It's also good to see you two."
Xander took the baggage and they got to the car and drove towards Buffy's house.
"How's Buffy?", Giles asked after a few minutes of driving.
"Not much better. I think she blames herself for Spike's death", Willow said.
"Does she still slay vampires and demons?"
"Yes, the only things she's doing is killing vampires and watching TV."
"And Dawn? Wasn't she very close to him as well?"
This time Xander answered. "She doesn't know yet. She's still with her father."
"Oh yes. She told me that she would visit him for two weeks during the holidays. When will she come back?"
"In three days."
They didn't speak anymore until they reached home.
When they entered the house they called Buffy's name but got no reaction.
After they had searched for her to be sure that she was not home they met in the living room.
"Where can she be?", Xander asked.
"Maybe she's out on patrol?", Willow suggested.
"No, it's not dark enough yet", Giles said. "Maybe she's..."
Suddenly the door opened and Buffy came in. She held a vase in her hands and first she didn't even notice that her friends were there. Carefully she placed the vase on a table and then she finally looked up.
"Giles!" Obviously she was very surprised to see her watcher.
"Hello, Buffy!"
When he walked towards her she embraced him and he felt her shoulders shaking. She was silently crying on his shoulder.
It took her some time to calm down but then she parted from him, dryed her tears and sat down on the armchair.
Xander had been staring at the vase all the time. "What's in there?", he finally asked.
She hesitated as if it was hard for he to talk about it. "It's... Spike's ashes.", she whispered.
Nobody knew what to say to that and for a few moments there was a uncomfortable silence. They all looked at the vase, not knowing what to do.
Finally Buffy spoke again, her voice was still very quiet. "I thought he deserves to... to be buried."
Gently Giles took her hand. "Yes, of course he does."
**********
Two days later.
About two miles away from Sunnydale they had made a grave.
Willow and Tara had planted some flowers and Xander had made a stone with a few simple words on it:
Spike (William)
May your sins be forgiven
We will never forget you
RIP
It was small but very pretty the letters were simple and beautiful.
During the day the grave was made everyone visited it, brought some flowers or just stood there and thought of him.
Everyone except for Buffy.
She just sat at home and watched her friends coming and going. Of course the young woman knew where they were going to but she couldn't bring herself to go there, too.
In the afternoon Willow and Tara came home. "Hi Buffy."
"Hi!"
They wanted to go upstairs to change but Buffy called them back. "Hey, please wait a minute."
"What is it?", Tara asked.
"You were at his grave, weren't you?"
"Sure", Willow said and sat down next to her.
"Is it nice?"
The red-haired wicca smiled a little. "Oh yes, it's beautiful, I think he would have liked it. It's on a clearing in the wood, you really should see it. The stone is beautiful, Xander made it, and it's very peaceful there. Everyone has brought flowers, even though there a enough flowers on the meadow already. We have planted some on the grave, roses and, carnations and tulips. We can come with you if you don't want to go alone."
"No, no, it's alright", Buffy said quickly. She really didn't want to go there. It seemed impossible to stand before his grave after all that had happened. She had done him wrong, she had been so cruel sometimes - even in his last minutes of life. No, she couldn't go there, it had been hard enough to collect the ashes. "Today you have been there already. It's not necessary to go again because of me."
"That's alright. We don't have anything else to do anyway. Right, Tara?"
"Sure, that would be no problem."
Buffy shook her head. "Look, I don't want to go there. I cannot."
"It's alright", Willow said gently. "Take your time."
"I would like to go there, but I can't. You know how I've treated him." She sobbed once but didn't cry. No, she had cried enough. "He loved me, he truly did. But I have treated him like I hated him. He wasn't with us only because of the chip but I didn't want to believe it and I made him feel like... like a thing, something dead. I thought that he wasn't able to love without a soul, but he loved Dru for 200 years, didn't he? I was such a fool." Now she broke into tears, there was no way to stop it.
Tara silently walked up the stairs, she felt that the two friends needed some time alone. Willow and Buffy knew each other since High-School, they trusted each other and if anyone would be able to help Buffy it was surely Will.
The red-haired woman embraced her friend, rocked her a little and stroked her back in comforting circles. "Did you love him?", she asked after a while.
"No, I wish I had. But I just couldn't return his feelings."
"That's not your fault, you cannot choose the one you love."
"No, but I could have treated him differently. He must have felt terrible."
"He knew you didn't mean it for he never stopped loving you."
"Willow, we've slept together."
"You had sex with him without loving him?" Her eyes widened a little.
"Yes", Buffy answered quietly. "He loved me but I only used him. And he knew it. God, what have I done?" Again the slayer broke into tears and Willow held her. "After you brought me back everything inside me felt so cold. He made me feel, but it was no love. It was only... only sex."
"I see."
"Why don't you tell me that I'm a bitch, why don't you tell me how cruel I am?"
"You're too hard to yourself already and I have no right to judge you. And he didn't judge you either, I know that."
"How can you know?"
"He gave his life for you, didn't he?"
Buffy only nodded.
TBC