Title: Soul Searching
Author: Aislin
Season: Takes place after "Grave"
Characters: Mostly Willow and Spike. There may also be some W/S shippage, I'll just have to wait and see how the story plays out
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters; I just amuse myself by playing with them when I'm bored. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and whoever else owns them. Please don't sue me, I have no money.
Feedback: I would love that, thank you. This is my first attempt at a Buffy fic, so please tell me how I do. No major flammage, please. I don't know that I could handle it.
Rating: I'm gonna call it R cuz it deals with some heavy issues and there will be some adult situations.
Authors Note: Yay, Spike's in this chapter. I know you all want to see what happens with Willow and Spike, so I won't bore you with an insanely long author's note. Just go read this chapter!
Spike couldn't believe his eyes. That girl. It couldn't be. She looked exactly like…
"Spike?" Oh bugger. It was Red, er Willow. Her name was Willow. Oh God. Spike pressed his hands to his temples and squeezed his eyes shut, failing miserably at his attempt to block the images out. Images of everything he had done to Willow. Bloody hell, he had hurt her so much. Kidnapped her, forced her to do that spell, then forgot about her. How had she gotten out of the factory anyway? He had tried to bite her, numerous times. God, he had hurt her so damn much!
"Well, you can just tell them that I'm not coming back!" Willow had been talking. What had she said?
"Um, sorry?" Spike hoped he didn't appear like too much of an idiot.
"Didn't Buffy and them send you here to drag me back to Sunnydale?" Spike flinched visibly at Buffy's name and something clicked in Willow's brain. "No, they didn't. Spike, you don't know, do you? Oh you weren't even there. Spike, where were you?"
"Willow? I, uh, I have to go." Spike turned and started to leave but Willow caught his arm. Surprise more than her strength made him stop and turn back to face her.
"Listen, Spike. I get off in half an hour. Would you wait for me at least? It's sorta nice to see a familiar face." One that's not judging me, Willow thought. Spike paused but nodded agreement.
He walked over and sat in one of the chairs that was more out of the way than most. He tried to shut up the voice in his head. The voice that was telling him to leave. He should leave before he hurt the girl anymore. Why couldn't he move? Why couldn't he just stand up and walk out that door? Why was he still sitting here, waiting for her to get off? Why was Willow working here? That was it, that's why he wasn't leaving. He was too curious. Damn his curiosity. Why did he even care? Why did he have to keep asking why? That's what got him here. Why doesn't she love me? Why can't I make her love me? His stupid curiosity. It got him into so many jams. Now it was going to get him into another one. He wanted to just get up and leave. But, he wanted to stay so much more. Something in her eyes, or rather the lack of something. Willow wasn't judging him. She never really had, he realized. He had hurt her so much and she had never treated him like crap. So, Spike resigned himself to sitting in the chair and waiting for her shift to end.
Willow kept glancing across the room. She was still getting over the shock of Spike sitting there. She wondered why he had shown up. He had flinched when she had mentioned the slayer that last time, and she was pretty sure he hadn't heard a word she said before that. So, the gang probably didn't send him to find her. Well, what was he doing here in Connecticut? It had to be more than coincidence.
~~~~~~~~~~*
"Bye Beth! I'll see you tomorrow!" Willow grabbed her keys and coat from her hook in the back room and went back to the front. She was worried that if she left Spike for too long he might just up and leave. But, he was still sitting there, waiting for her. It didn't look like he had moved at all since he had sat down in that chair.
"Spike? You ready?" Willow looked questioningly at the vampire. Had he ever sat so still? He looked up at her. She tried to meet his eyes, but he was careful to look at her forehead or chin. At least he was keeping his eyes on her face.
"Yeah, sure. Where are we going?"
"Well, there's this nice little out-of-the-way coffee shop a few streets over. They have cookies and brownies and stuff like that too. We could go there."
"This whole town is out-of-the-way, isn't it?" Spike stood up. Willow assumed this meant that he was complying with her decision. She started walking, slowly, making sure he was going to follow her. He fell in step beside her and they left the bookstore.
"That's part of its appeal." Willow responded once they were outside. It was hot and muggy, but at least it wasn't raining.
"What?" Spike gave her a look that plainly, but politely, asked what she was talking about.
"You mentioned that this town is out-of-the-way. That's pretty much the reason I came here. What are you doing here?" Willow prayed that that didn't sound too rude. Spike didn't seem to notice though.
"This is where the bus stopped. I mean, I got on the bus and I had enough money to get here. After the airplane, that is. I'm broke now. Not one bloody cent. I didn't expect to find anyone I know here." Willow couldn't tell whether he was glad or disappointed that he had run into her. She couldn't think of a response beyond 'oh', so she stayed silent until they had arrived at "The Beanium".
Spike groaned at the name of the coffee shop. How lame could you get? But, he followed Willow inside. He didn't have anything better to do. Maybe he could make amends with her. Maybe that would make the goddamned voice shut up for a second! He didn't remember his conscience being this annoying.
They sat at a small table in a corner. The corner farthest from both the door and the counter to be exact. Willow had a double mocha latte, Spike a triple espresso. One sip later, the triple espresso was empty, and Spike started fiddling with the cup. He kept his eyes on it, scared to make eye-contact with the witch. Ex-witch. She quit, remember? But, he felt so much power coming off of her. He wondered if she was aware of the tremendous amount of power emanating from her. If that much was coming off, how much did she have locked inside? He remembered her being powerful, but never this powerful.
"Where were you?" Willow broke the silence.
"When?" Spike asked back.
"A couple weeks ago. You missed the big battle this year."
"I assume another apocalypse was averted?" Spike already knew the answer though. There was an apocalypse every year, two or three, actually. And, here he was. Still alive, if you could call it that.
"Yeah. Where were you?" Willow repeated her earlier question.
"Africa." The answer was so short, Willow almost missed it.
"What were you doing in Africa?" Willow was getting tired of looking at the top of Spike's head. She wanted him to look in her eyes, or at her face at least. Then she could at least see his eyes. They were so much more emotional now, so much more…tormented.
"There was this demon fellow. Pretty big power. He gave me what I wanted."
"You got your chip out?" Willow asked, suddenly afraid. Why was she afraid? She didn't deserve to live. It didn't matter if Spike killed her. But, inexplicably, she had a desire to live.
"That's what I thought was gonna happen. I thought I go to this guy and pass the test and he takes the chip out. Ya gotta be specific, though. I thought I was, but he read me deeper to find out what I really wanted."
"What do you mean?" Willow was confused.
"Angel's not the only poof anymore. I got me a nice soul now. Inner turmoil aplenty. Now I know why Angel became the poof he is. A hundred years and I'm likely to be just like that."
"Oh." Willow took a sip of her mocha. "If you need to talk or…anything." Great Willow. Offer the vampire, the enemy, an ear to listen to him and a shoulder to cry on. Compassion was nothing but trouble, it was probably going to get her killed one of these days.
"Not really. I mean, thank you and all. But, I don't know if you could handle it. I killed so many…" Spike trailed off. He didn't want to bring Willow to the land of torment with him.
Willow snorted, involuntarily. Spike looked up, but couldn't read her face. "I have a small idea of what that feels like, Spike."
"How can you? You've never killed a single-"
"Two. I've killed two people."
"Still, that just doesn't compare. I killed every night for the past hundred years. That's more than 300,000 people."
"And not near s many as six billion. Spike, remember that apocalypse I mentioned?"
"Yeah. Warren and his dweebs tried to pull something big off, then?"
"Not Warren. I killed Warren. Spike, I was going to destroy the world." Willow's voice was filled with anguish. She expected the fear to enter his eyes, just like it had her 'friends' back in Sunnydale. She expected him to make some pathetic excuse and leave and never come back.
"Oh." And he made eye-contact – briefly - when he said it.
"What? No, Evil Willow? No getting scared? Just oh? Am I still that damn predictable!"
"No, it's just, I knew there had to be a reason. There isn't much that will actually make a person leave friends like the one's you got. Now I know why you're three thousand miles from home."
"And, I still don't know why you're here."
"I'll tell you. When it's time. I'm not ready now. Neither are you. But, I'll stick around. You've always been good to me. Mostly you've been scared of me. But you never hated me like Xander or patronized me like the Watcher or beat me up like-" Spike swallowed, leaving his thought unfinished. Willow finished it for him without thinking.
"Like Buffy." Spike flinched and stood to leave.
"Where are you going?" Willow asked.
"I'll be around. I won't leave or nothing. I don't really have anywhere else to go. I know where you work though. I'll come by next time I want to talk."
"What if I want to talk?" Willow asked. She was scared he was going to leave and she didn't know why.
"Don't worry, luv. I won't be away long." Spike walked out the door and disappeared into the fog that had shown up while they were talking.
It doesn't have the same effect without his duster. Where is his duster? Why do I care? Willow gulped the last sip of her mocha and headed home.
A/N: So, go review now! Oh and any questions, I'll try to address them in a future chapter. Anything you want in the story, tell me and I'll try to put it in somehow.