Title: Soul Searching
Author: Aislin
Season: Takes place after "Grave"
Characters: Mostly Willow and Spike. Some flashes to Sunnydale and the people there. There's probably gonna be some W/S shippage later on
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters; I just amuse myself by playing with them when I'm bored. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and whoever else owns them. Please don't sue me, I have no money.
Feedback: I would love that, thank you. This is my first attempt at a Buffy fic, so please tell me how I do. No major flammage, please. I don't know that I could handle it.
Rating: I'm gonna call it R cuz it deals with some heavy issues and there will be some adult situations.
Authors Note: I don't really have much to say about this chapter. Just read it and please review! Reviews make me happy!
Willow heard the door open and looked up. Peering through the shelves of magick supplies and books, she was able to make out Sophie's energetically bobbing pigtails. The red head stood and moved to the front of the store.
"Hi, how are you two doing today?" she asked with a bright, if slightly phony smile. She couldn't help the phony cheerfulness, ever since Tara… But, Willow hoped Greg wouldn't notice that her delight was anything less than genuine. She was happy to see him.
"I'm doing good. What about you?" Greg asked, shooting her a grin.
"I'm fine. Can I help you find anything?"
"Has anyone ever told you that you're a rotten liar?"
Willow rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm not fine. But, it's sorta my job to be cheery. Now, can I help you find anything? We got some little stuffed animals in today, Sophie. Would you like to see them?" Willow forced the attention away from her mood.
"What kinds of animals?" the preschooler asked.
"Oh, you know, the usual. Some teddy bears, stuffed dogs. A couple of dragons and unicorns." Sophie's face lit up and she grabbed Willow's outstretched hand and followed to a small display of stuffed animals in the kiddie book section.
A few minutes later, Willow was ringing up various colored candles for Greg while Sophie clutched a green and purple sparkly dragon. Greg waited until he was sure that Sophie's new toy had the girl's undivided attention before speaking.
"What's on your mind, Willow?" he asked.
"It's a pretty long story."
"Well, we could go out for dinner sometime, if you want to. You could tell me all about it, or not tell me. Whatever you want. But we could talk, get to know each other better." Greg tried to search Willow's eyes, but she kept them downcast, putting his purchase into a plastic bag.
"I don't really know. I mean, I don't think I'm ready."
"Hey, no pressure. Just friends getting to know one another." Greg hid his disappointment with a smile intended to get her to agree.
"I'll think about it." Willow said, reluctantly, handing him the bag.
"She gets off at six tonight. Be here at six thirty. I'll watch Sophie if you can't get a sitter."
"Than you, Beth. I'll see you tonight, then." Greg took the bag from her, letting his fingers brush the back of her hand ever so slightly. After the door closed behind him, Willow turned on Beth.
"What did you do that for?"
"You need to meet some more people."
"I am meeting people. I've met lots of people since I started working here."
"You need a friend. A friend your own age." Beth elaborated off Willow's look.
"But, I'm not ready for this." Willow protested. She didn't think she'd ever be ready for this.
"Willow. He knows what it's like to lose a loved one. He can help. You need to talk to someone."
"I have someone to talk to." Willow's mind drifted to Spike, who she hadn't seen in three days. But, he said he would come back. Beth, however, didn't hear. She was already gone, leaving Willow alone with her thoughts.
~~~~~~~~~~*
"Why are you so down?" Greg asked again. They were at a semi-casual restaurant.
"I'm not really ready to talk about it." Willow avoided his eyes. She really didn't want to be here. She had seen Spike in the bushes as her and Greg were leaving. She was sure he had followed them to the restaurant and right now she wanted nothing more than to go find him so she could talk to someone. Someone she wouldn't have to explain her entire life story to.
"It helps to talk. Trust me Willow. After Tara died-"
"What did you say?"
"I said after Taryn died, I didn't want to talk to anyone either. She was Sophie's mother. But, when I finally did start talking, it got so much easier to bear."
"I thought you said Tara." Willow stared off into space.
"Who's Tara?" Greg asked.
"She is, was. Tara was mine. She was mine and I was hers. But Osiris said he couldn't bring her back. He said there was no way." Willow's voice was distant. Greg listened intently. He had made a breakthrough; he had gotten the girl to talk. Now he could help her heal, oh my, she was beautiful.
Willow continued talking, looking directly into his eyes. And Spike, with his sensitive vampire hearing caught every word, as well as the things she said with her eyes not her voice.
"Osiris?"
"Osiris helped me bring Buffy back. Buffy didn't die a natural death, so Osiris could bring her back. But, Tara. Osiris said Tara died a natural death."
"How did Tara die?" Greg asked, wishing Willow would look into his eyes and not past his head. But, at least she was talking to him.
"He, he. Oh, the little bastard! He didn't mean to, I know that now. But, there was a gun. Oh dear Goddess, Greg." Willow snapped back and looked in his eyes now.
"Willow. How did Tara die?" Greg asked. Willow suddenly realized that she had been talking to Greg, not Spike. She knew Spike had heard the entire thing, but Greg knew too? Oh no, this was not good.
Willow put her face in her hands and started shaking, trying desperately to hold in the tears. She didn't mind Spike knowing. Spike would understand how it all fit together. Greg would never understand the entire story. It was too late, though. Willow knew better than to try to erase his memory. Once a spell fails twice, both times resulting in the person you love getting angry, she knew better than to try it again. She decided to finish the story, as much as Greg really needed to hear anyway. "He shot her." Willow kept her face in her hands. She knew her voice sounded distant. "He didn't mean to kill her. But, she died anyway."
"I thought you said she died a natural death? Or, Osiris said she died a natural death? Getting shot isn't natural."
"He said natural meaning human causes. A human killed her using earthly means. Oh, Goddess, I'm so sorry Greg. I have to go. I'll see you sometime."
~~~~~~~~~~*
Spike watched as Willow left the restaurant alone. Good, alone was good. She wasn't with that man. Why did Spike care whether she was with him or not? He couldn't have her all to himself. But, he so wanted her all to himself. That wasn't right though. That was selfish and bad. She was allowed to have other friends, she needed other friends. She needed to socialize with people, humans. Good people. He was bad. He didn't deserve friends like her. Why was she heading towards him?
"Spike?" Now Willow let the tears flow freely. They coursed down her cheeks as she stood staring into his eyes.
"Come here, pet." Spike folded the girl into a hug and let her cry. If this is what she needed he would give it to her. He would give her anything she needed, maybe the pain would lessen. Maybe he could redeem himself, like Angel.
Spike pulled Willow gently into the shadows when Greg exited the restaurant. She didn't need him to see her like this. Spike didn't want Greg knowing he was there.
Willow barely noticed. She couldn't stop the tears flowing. Spike's shirt was soaking. Her face was probably a mess. All the mascara and eye shadow Beth had applied was surely dyeing her cheeks different colors. Still the tears wouldn't stop. Willow felt that they would never stop, it was the very reason she hadn't cried these tears. She had mourned for herself, her friends. She had mourned what she had done and what she had felt. She had even mourned Warren. But she had refused to let one single tear fall for Tara. Now they flowed and she was sure that she would cry until the end of time. She would stand here, in Spike's arms, until the end of time.
Wait. Spike's arms? Willow pulled away. At least, she tried to pull away, but Spike's arms tightened when she moved. They held her tightly, wrapping around her waist. It felt like those arms could protect her from anything. No, not anything…
Spike began rubbing the redhead's back as she gasped and a fresh wave of sobs came. "Shh," he murmured, "let it out. Just let it all out. It's okay. It'll all be okay."
~~~~~~~~~~*
Willow awakened and immediately panicked. Where was she? What was this place? It was so dark. She sat up and took in her surroundings. She was sitting on a bed. There was a mini fridge at one end of the room. A door and a table with a small television were along the wall adjacent to the one the bed was against. The television was turned on, but the sound was so soft Willow couldn't hear it unless she strained. Sitting in a chair, eyes glued to the TV, was Spike.
Spike? "Spike?" Willow's voice was small. Her eyes hurt and she was sure they were all red and puffy.
"Hey. You're awake."
"Where am I?" was Willow's next question.
"My place. I don't know where you live. You were a little, um. I don't think you could have told me, even if I had asked." Spike slowed down, mentally reprimanding himself. He should have asked. He should have at least tried.
"Oh, cool." Willow checked her watch. Spike couldn't believe it, she wasn't mad. A little indifferent, maybe, but she wasn't mad. "Ooh, I should go. I have to work today and I need to shower first. I should probably do something about the puffiness, too." Willow rubbed her eyes lightly and sat up.
She was still dressed, so her clothes were rumpled. She had to admit though, as uncomfortable as sleeping fully clothed was, it was a lot less disturbing than waking up naked in Spike's bed. She slipped on her shoes, gave Spike a grateful squeeze on the shoulder and went off to her apartment.
Spike felt the imprint of her hand long after Willow had left.
~~~~~~~~~~*
Buffy entered her home, intent on taking a shower. She hated the slimey demons. At least vampire ash came out of clothes easily. Slime tended to be permanent. And she was wearing a new shirt!
Dropping her clothes on the bathroom floor and turning on the hot water, Buffy let her thoughts drift. They demon had taken forever to find, at least twice as long as normal. And it had been really hard to kill. Sure, Xander had helped fight it. But he simply didn't have the strength, speed, or skills and got in the way more than he actually helped. And Giles was almost useless with the computer. It had taken him two days to even find a reference to the demon in his thick books. Willow would have been able to get all the information within a couple of hours.
Buffy groaned at the thought of her best friend. What she wouldn't give to have her back. More than once she had considered paging her. Or e-mailing her. But she knew she would have flipped if anyone had contacted her in LA after she had killed Angel. But, if Willow wasn't back by the time school started again, Buffy would start looking for her.
It also bugged her that Spike wasn't around. True he was annoying. And he tried to rape her. Tried, not succeeded. She hadn't seen him after that. The truth was, Spike was a much better fighter than Xander could ever be. She missed having an ally who was her equal.
Buffy sighed and turned off the water. Willow would come back. Spike might not ever. She was deeply disturbed by the thought that she even cared.
A/N: So, tell me what you think! I promise to try to be nicer to Greg in future chapters! Unless, of course, everyone hates him. But, I like him. So I promise that Willow won't ever walk out on him again.