Author's Note-- I know Giles getting some action isn't part of the real season seven storyline, but it should be! As the brilliant Cyberwulf stated, "Stupid Joss, sets Giles up as a man who can manage it twice while drugged and under a spell, then never, EVER gives the guy a sex scene..." Preach on, my friend.

*~*~*

"Andrew!" Anya barked with the full authority of a demon boot camp sergeant. "What are you doing in there? My bladder needs attention!" She pounded on the bathroom door with both fists. "Godsdamnit, hurry it up already!"

"Just a minute," a muffled voice replied, followed by hasty shuffling and low whispers. The lanky blonde opened the door and was nearly stampeded by a flock of slayer wannabes, all determined to get the first shower. Anya narrowed her eyes and beat them back, scrutinizing Andrew's sheepish expression.

"It's about time. What were you doing in there, giving your penis a pep-talk?" The demon inquired sardonically, as she grabbed an SIT by the hair and chucked her out into the hallway. She paused to give his crotch a good once-over. "Because it obviously isn't working."

Andrew frowned, and then cradled his video camera lovingly. "No, I was supplying the opening dialogue to my documentary, for your information," he lisped proudly. "It's about Buffy and her heroic slayer history. I think I'll call it 'Buffy and Her Heroic Slayer History.'"

Anya was never one to support a creative endeavor when money was clearly not involved. She rolled her eyes and shoved him out the door. "Why can't you just be normal and masturbate like the rest of us?" [Author's note: the original line was just too brilliant-- I didn't have the heart to tweak it too much.]

The geekling looked mildly offended. What did they think he spent so much time doing in the bathroom anyway? "I was hoping that maybe as an official insider to the Buffy circle, you could give me an exclusive interview about Xander's sex drive...er, the truth behind the real Buffy."

Anya deliberated for a moment. She was an important insider, even though she severely disliked the slayer and most of her companions. "Yes, on both counts," she agreed pompously. "I was planning to write a tell-all book on Buffy the human twig, so perhaps I'll give you a preview for my own publicity."

*~*~*

"...and gentle viewers, allow me to introduce to you the heroine of this documentary. Beautiful, yet troubled. Fierce, yet fragile. Buffy, slayer of the Vampyres, is a woman of contradictions. She has battled the legions of darkness since an early calling--"

"My fist is going to have an early calling to your face if you don't turn that thing off." Buffy glowered from her place at the fridge. She poked around at the scattered contents. "And stop following me around. That's what I have Spike for."

"That's right, peaches," the vampire's disembodied voice sounded from nowhere in particular.

Andrew ducked his head in shame and lowered his camera. "I just wanted to capture your grace and ease as the slayer and the kindness you're always showing towards--"

"Sonofa... all right, which one of you little creeps ate my low-fat peach yogurt?" Buffy growled menacingly, frightening a few nearby SIT's.

"I think it's kind of cool. It's important to keep track of all of this for future generations." Dawn piped up, primping innocently. Surely as the slayer's sister, she'd be guaranteed an important interview. Besides, how many people could say they used to be a key? "Right, Andrew?"

"Exactly," Andrew confirmed weakly, watching intently as Xander inhaled a bowl of cheerios. The Zeppo lifted the bowl to his lips and slurped the remaining puddle of milk. A small trail of it dribbled down his chin and onto the counter. Andrew stared, fascinated. By the time he was torn from his latest "Xander: the sturdy carpenter" daydream, Buffy was well into her third inspirational speech of the morning.

"...And that's why you should always do everything I say. Because God knows I've never made a mistake, and the First is well aware of the fact that most of you are idiots anyway. So unless you want to become nameless potential fodder, you'd better listen up." Buffy shot a pointed look at a few anonymous SIT's in the back row. They shifted uncomfortably under her critical gaze. Clearly as they lacked identities, they would be the first ones to bite it.

Andrew sighed, glumly. Buffy could be so longwinded sometimes. He retreated back upstairs with his camera in tow, nearly tripping over Kennedy and Willow's make-out session on the way. A half a dozen more pre-teen slayer wannabes littered the hall, squealing over issues of tampons, nail polish, and their favorite WB boys. Definitely Tom Welling, Andrew thought dreamily, before snapping back to reality. Maybe he should find Buffy's watcher, Mr. Giles, and squeeze in another interview before Buffy finished...

Noting the "Do Not Disturb" sign glaring from the spare bedroom door Giles currently occupied, Andrew concluded that the Englishman must have recently returned from retrieving more potentials. And by the enthusiastic noises coming from within, there must be some serious training exercises in session.

The penitent young man smiled at the dedication of it all, quietly narrating to himself. "There is no rest, nor peace, and nor exceptions in the intrepid world of vampyre slaying. One must always remain stalwart and focused in order to achieve--"

"Shut that bloody thing off!" The impatient growl sent Andrew scurrying back to the safety of Buffy's bathroom.

*~*~*

Kennedy clapped her hands loudly, getting the grudging attention of the entire living room. "All right, you filthy mongrels! Out in the backyard pronto, so I can whip your worthless hides into shape! Now MOVE IT!" The potentials all exchanged dirty looks, mouthing wordless curses under their prepubescent breaths as they shuffled out to do Kennedy's bidding.

Lil' Miss Drill Sergeant 'Likes it Rough' issued a saccharine sweet smile, and batted her dark lashes seductively at her current object of lust. "Bye muffin-head, I'm off to train the girls now."

Willow felt a flush spread through her, her cheeks going red. She returned the smile, self-consciously, before diving into her usual bashful babbling. "Um...okay, bye. I mean, not bye really, cause you'll just be in the backyard and stuff. But, uh, have fun."

Kennedy winked, looking very naughty indeed. "Don't worry, I'll save some for you." And flouncing off, she went to torment her peers.

Giles swept through the front door, carrying an armful of shopping bags, a lovely Cantonese girl at his side. "Yes, please come in." He instructed her slowly, as if speaking to a three-year-old. "You may put your things down here."

"God, another one?" Buffy groaned as she appeared in the hallway, Dawn annoyingly at her heels. "Where do you keep finding all these girls, Giles?"

He shot her a stern look. "Buffy, surely you realize that there are many potential slayers out there who require our protection...."

She eyed the multiple Gap and Abercrombie bags with skepticism. He had never taken her shopping, and she was his slayer-- the original even! "Yeah, but do they all require trips to the mall?" Buffy interjected, a bit too disdainfully for Giles' taste. "Where are you getting all of this money? Because, if you haven't noticed, you keep shoving teenage girls at me and they all eat like pigs. Or worse--teenage pigs!"

He frowned at her question, and opened his mouth to haughtily protest her disrespect when the young, doe-eyed SIT at his side spoke up first.

"What is this place? And why is that girl so skinny? She looks like she's about to die! You are going to feed me here, aren't you Sir? Please don't starve me!" Giles patted her on the head, smiling sympathetically.

"Yes, you're quite right," he replied kindly, completely oblivious to her panic. "This is Buffy, the one I told you about. She is the slayer and you're to stay with her. You needn't worry, you'll be quite safe here."

Buffy regarded him with an expression that clearly read, 'liar.' "Buffy, this is...ah, Cho...something or other. Yes, for now we'll just call her Cho." He continued, drawing himself up proudly. "She's been sent to us from Russia."

"Um...Giles? She doesn't look like she's, you know, from Russia..." Willow put in as gently as she could.

He shooed Cho upstairs, gesturing emphatically for her to find a place to stow her bags. "I appreciate your input Willow," Giles declared haughtily, sounding as if he meant just the opposite. "But don't forget that I have mastered over a dozen languages and am quite well-informed regarding where my charges are from and their native dialects."

"Your charges?" Buffy scoffed at his description.

Her watcher artfully chose to ignore her remark. "So tell me, what have I missed while I was away? Any gaping plot holes?"

"Several," she yawned, trying to estimate just how many. "Let's see, there was all that wonkiness with the seal, about how teasing Andrew and making him cry closed it..."

"Ah, very intriguing."

"Willow's also apparently over Tara..."

"Is that so, Willow?"

The witch glanced up from her magazine, "Yup, kinda."

Buffy resumed her list, counting on her fingers. "The First really hasn't appeared to you or Xander for some weird reason..." Her face lit up as she seemed to recall something important. "Oh! That's right, Spike's doohickey was malfunctioning, so The Initiative that previously hated us both got rid of it, totally free of charge!"

Giles did a fair impression of a cartoon character's bulgy-eyed disbelief. "You mean to tell me that you had Spike's chip removed? Buffy, that was a completely irrational decision! Did you even pause to think of the consequences?"

Buffy gritted her teeth and eyed her watcher with resentment. Did Giles take her to be some brainless little twit? Of course she carefully had weighed all of her options before making that difficult decision. If the chip remained lodged in Spike's brain, causing him such extreme amounts of pain, then he'd never be able to really satisfy her again. Maybe she didn't want him that way now...but it was always reassuring to know that comfort sex was just a basement away.

The slayer stiffly crossed her arms. "We had to make a choice. That chip was killing him, Giles. Keeping it in him..." She spoke the next words very slowly, self-righteously, as if pronouncing a multi-syllable ingredient from bag of potato chips. "It would have been wr-ong."

He removed his glasses, a habitual sign of irritation, and cleaned them in a manner that bordered on obsessive compulsive. "Well, perhaps you might have bothered to recall my dead girlfriend." Giles reminded her coldly. "The last time you acted rashly, Angelus nearly killed us all!"

Willow and Dawn eyed each other nervously before hastily darting from the room, leaving the watcher and slayer at a standoff.

"Oh, that is so like you to bring that up!" Buffy rolled her eyes, "That was five seasons ago! Besides, I already said I was sorry. Geez..." She eyed his glasses resentfully, suppressing the urge to give them a good stomping.

Little did she know, the Englishman's bitter diatribe was long overdue and quickly picking up steam. "Oh yes, allow me to apologize for still loving Jenny," he spat petulantly. "Moreover, for having any emotion at all. I know it must come as a shock to you that 'the old guy' still has feelings."

"Please, I know you're old, but I never said you didn't have--" She interrupted herself, her eyes narrowing with hurt. "You know what? You always turn around and try to blame things on me! At least I'm not the one who's always leaving. You think you'd have bruises from all of the times the door hit you in the ass on the way out!"

Giles folded his arms, looking extremely huffy. "You're being exceedingly childish right now, Buffy."

She lifted her chin, eyes glaring a challenge. "Oh yeah? Well, that new girl of yours? Total Mary Sue. So there."

"Marry whom?" He inquired, baffled by her declaration.

"Mary Sue," Buffy repeated smugly. "Isn't whatsherface a little too good to be true?"

"Sarah." Giles interjected tersely, "And I don't see how this relates to--"

She recited her observations with relish. "You know, sweet, gifted, a great rack, and good in bed? Do the math Giles. It's just the author trying to score vicarious smoochies with you."

He reddened noticeably. "I haven't the slightest clue what you mean."

Buffy pointed triumphantly towards the alias Sarie Sprite. "Sarie... Sarah. Get it? Duh. Totally doesn't count as a love interest. And you call me childish."

[Author frowns. Shut it, Buffy.]

"Hey, I'm just making my point."

[Yeah, whatever. I'm the one making fun here-- not you.]

Only Giles could be that crestfallen and still maintain his disapproving expression. "Yes, well, at least I'm not nurturing a careless vampire obsession. Really Buffy, can't you date a human being with an actual pulse?"

"Hey! I dated Riley!"

He gave her a dubious look.

She sighed in defeat. "All right fine, he doesn't exactly count. But still! That doesn't make you right about Spike!"

"No, the fact that I'm right makes me right. Buffy, I really do think that you should reevaluate your responsibilities as a slayer more carefully. You're an adult now--"

"La la la la la!" She covered her ears with her hands and sang loudly off-key, much like her performance in Once More with Feeling. "I can't heeeaaaaarrrr you!"

Giles stalked from the room, frustrated and wounded by their bickering. He loved Buffy, cared about her very much, but sometimes she could be such a little fool. Surely there had to be some way to regain her confidence, to reinstate the powerful trust that had defined their relationship for so many years. She just needed to be shown the truth by someone who had her welfare and best interests at heart.

I know! The idea struck him suddenly, like a gift from the gods. I'll allow an acquaintance I've barely known for two seconds to coerce me into helping him kill Spike! Once Buffy recognizes that what we've done is for her own good, surely she'll welcome me back as her authority/father figure! It was bloody brilliant. Now if only he could find something shady and mysterious to wear for such an act of deception...

*~*~*

Wheee! Are we having fun yet? Tune in next time for a brutal bashing of "Lies My Parents Told Me" and "Dirty Girls."