Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, though I wish I did. They
belong to Tribune Entertainment. Thanks for all the lovely reviews. Please
don't stop giving them!
Chapter 2
'What...what...did you say?' She stammered after a moment. Her heart had momentarily stopped in her throat, she couldn't trust herself to speak.
He raised his head to glance at her - she couldn't really see his face, the night was dark and the trees cast long grey shadows on everything - but she saw him furtively lick his lips, like a shadowy afterthought. Real nervous like. A fleeting thought crossed her mind - Brennan Mulwray nervous... it was almost unimaginable. But the night was turning topsy- turvy and so was her world.
'I.....I...' he began. His voice was hoarse. He looked away.
She waited, her pulse drumming a frenetic staccato in her neck, almost as if it would burst out of her artery and gush out all the complex feelings she wasn't daring herself to feel in her head. A minute passed, but he never finished. She realized he was at a loss for words another first. The situation would have been hilarious had it not been so intense.
He wasn't the only one at a loss for words. She desperately wanted to say something to diffuse the discomfort of the moment. Preferably something witty and funny - like the kind of smart-ass repartee he would normally make - and they would laugh it off and go grab their burgers, or she would punch him in the arm for being chauvinistic, and go grab their burgers anyway.
How are we going to go back after this? She pondered. To where we were? How can anyone go back after this?
She opened her mouth to say something, but her voice came out in a half-squeak that was so puny she hoped he hadn't heard it.
The silence between them hung heavy, pregnant with expectation. Outside, the wind lifted the tree branches, rustling the leaves in a way that could only mean an approaching storm.
He seemed to gather his composure. 'I....' He paused and stole another glance at her. Seeming to make up his mind about something.
'Forget I ever said anything,' he said abruptly, and reached for the key in the ignition.
A shudder coursed through her as the engine started. She suddenly found her voice.
'No,' she laid her hand on his arm, before she knew what she was doing. 'No. I heard it right the first time. I know what you're saying, Brennan.'
He looked at her expectantly.
She took a deep breath. Her hand felt clammy where she touched his arm. She hoped he didn't notice that. 'I....I'm just so scared I need to think about it.'
He nodded, relieved. 'I just thought to offer..you know...I mean, because you said..what you said...'
She squeezed his arm without meaning to. Her hands felt real shaky. 'Yes, yes..I did say it...'
'And..it's a real big thing....you know, for girls....' He grabbed the gear and made a big do about shifting it into reverse. 'I didn't mean to say it was only for girls. I mean, for everyone....and you obviously need to think more about it.'
'Yes... I do......' she trailed off. The clear dark shape of the lock on the car window suddenly seemed interesting.
'So we should just go grab our burgers and shakes.' There was just the slightest strain on his tones. The Camaro was trundling over tree roots and bumpy patches.
'Yes, she agreed, her voice unsteady. 'That would be lovely.'
The wind was really swooping outside. Clouds scurried across the sky and the shadows dipped and danced. Nature seemed to be in a real rush about things all of a sudden. She wondered if she was - what was the term used for tele-empaths who could project their feelings onto nature - was there even such a thing? Or maybe the whole world simply felt as rushed as she felt, and they were projecting THEIR feelings onto her instead.
She was tele-babbling. Making no sense whatsoever. Inside the car, the air was really oppressive.
What do I do? She wondered desperately. What do I do now? How does one think about things like these? She could not even articulate her need honestly. Not even to herself. She only knew she felt so lonely - so incredibly empty.... Dread chasms upon valleys-like empty - Like there was a bottomless pit in the center of her stomach that would not be filled. Not today, not tomorrow, almost as though she had been feeling this irrepressible yearning her whole life. Was that what women did when they were depressed and lonely? Attempt to fill that hole in their bellies; and when those holes wouldn't - couldn't - be filled, what did they do next?
Think, Emma, she pleaded.
It was not as though she didn't find him physically attractive. Quite the contrary. Sometimes she didn't even trust herself to look at him, for fear of being caught out for staring too long. Staring at your best guy friend for more than a minute would definitely be perceived as sexually unhealthy. But at the same time, personality-wise, he was so totally wrong for her, definitely the kind of guy she would choose to stay away from if they hadn't been friends. (And of course, when she found out he was exactly that kind of guy, it was too late. They were already friends).
But wait. She mentally kicked herself. She was approaching this the wrong way. He had never said for one minute not that he had said much it was going to be anything but a one off (she hated to admit it) one night interlude. Feelings didn't come into the equation. He was just offering to help her out, something a friend would do. (And you know that's not entirely true, Emma). Where they went from here....relationships didn't even figure.
She found her voice again. Keep cool. Try to keep it from shaking. 'I need to ask you.... when you said what you did....it's just a...one off thing, right? I mean....you didn't mean for it to be ...with any strings attached?'
She didn't dare herself to hear the answer.
'No of course not,' he said huskily, never taking his eyes off the wheel. 'No strings attached. Just trying to help, that's all.'
Okay, she whispered to herself. He's not asking to start a relationship. She almost laughed out loud. Of course he's not asking to start a relationship. When did Brennan ever ask to start relationships? This was so totally in character she wondered why she even bothered to think about it in the first place.
And if he were, you know he's so totally wrong for you.
She wondered why she felt so disappointed.
'But,' he continued hastily, 'it's not as if I think you're a charity help case, or anything.' He looked alarmed. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. Of course you're not a charity case. And I'm not doing it out of charity...I mean I'm just trying to help..' She heard him groan inwardly. 'I'm screwing it up, aren't I? Maybe I'd just better shut up before I say something really stupid.'
She wanted to laugh. 'No it's okay. I know what you mean.'
Now he was babbling.
'And I know it's a big deal for girls....for guys it's not such a big deal, you know....' He snatched a look at her. 'I'm doing it again, aren't I? Saying all the wrong things? I shouldn't have generalized that. For some guys, I mean, sex is a big deal...but not for guys like me....' The car veered slightly as he swerved round some troublesome object that had fallen off onto the road. 'God, that came out wrong. I mean, it's also a big deal for guys like me, I like sex as much as the next guy.... but it's not like it's got to be in a relationship or anything....and I know that sounds really crass...' He trailed off lamely.
They drove on in silence for a while. On the windshield, rain drops the size of quarters began to spatter with a loud thuck-thuck-thuck knocking. Momentarily, the spatter turned into a deluge, and the entire screen was covered in a blinding downpour. Brennan switched on the headlights, adjusted the gear to fog handling mode and turned up the wipers to maximum.
She swallowed. Her throat felt parched despite the wetness outside, like she had been running a marathon.
What do you do, Emma? What do you do? You know what you want. Be honest. She clasped her hands. Clammy cold. Tele-nature-emphatic.
For once, carpe diem. Be decisive. You're only in this spot today because you've never been decisive.
Gripping the armrest by the door, she said, 'Yes.'
He was momentarily distracted by the headlights from an oncoming car. 'Hmmm?"
Inside her chest, her heart was thrumming up a painful beat. Was this what adrenaline felt like? She breathed deeply. 'I said yes.' Yes, adrenaline. If her heart slammed onto her ribs any harder, she knew they would break.
For a second, she thought he hadn't heard her, the rain was coming down too loud onto the metal bonnet of the car.
Then he said 'Okay.' Keeping his eyes tightly fixed on the road. Not looking at her.
She didn't want to look at him either. A laugh bubbled up her very parched throat and threatened to spill out over her sides. If they weren't even going to look at each other, how were they ever going to get to do IT?
'Any time you're ready,' he added.
She gripped the armrest even tighter. 'Like now's a good time.' She couldn't believe she said that. But she had to say it before she lost her nerve completely.
He slammed on the brakes. She felt herself jolt forward, thankful she was wearing a seat belt. The car skidded to a halt by the side of the road. Behind them, an 18-wheeler truck whooshed past, horns blaring.
'Woah, Emma,' he was breathing hard, his hands gripping the steering wheel. 'You really know how to surprise a guy.'
Yes I really do, she thought, a wild laugh escaping her. Sometimes I surprise even myself.
She found herself saying, 'Unless you don't want to..of course...'
'No no, I can do it any time.' He turned to look at her, reaching out with his hand to tilt her head towards him. His other hand fumbled with the light switch overhead. They had been in darkness for what seemed like a long while, and it suddenly hit her full blast. Her pupils instantly contracted and she had to squint.
Oh my god, she whimpered inwardly. What am I doing?
'I mean to say....' He offered sheepishly, 'most guys can do it any time...'
She didn't really want to look at him, but she couldn't take her eyes away. In the dim yellow incandescence, he was looking particularly gorgeous. The planes of his face were clean and stark, and his usual super put on macho exterior had melted away, leaving on him a wistful expression of vulnerability. Almost as though he could be innocent again. It suited him.
'I have to do it now,' she said, 'before I think too much about it.'
He shook his head. 'Emma, the last thing I want to do is to take advantage of you when you're feeling like this -'
'No. It's something I need right now. I need..this.' Somehow, talking to him was making her feel better. More decisive. 'I just don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you -'
'No,' he laughed. 'You must never think that. I can ever be taken advantage of....Not in a million years. It's different for us guys.'
There was just something else she needed to tell him. Something important. Her other embarrassing secret. But not yet. The time wasn't right.
'I just need to be.....held, you know.' She looked at him expectantly.
'I know, I know.' He ran his finger across her cheek, almost absent- mindedly. 'All of us need that, once in a while.' His face clouded, and his hand dropped to his side. 'Sometimes more than once in a while.'
Instinctively, deep down inside, she knew he needed to be comforted too. Almost as much as she did.
'So, she asked, 'what do we do now?'
Her heart was beating wildly again. In a little while, she thought, I'm going to be making love to one of the most gorgeous guys on the planet. Why does that thought petrify me so?
He said slowly, 'We don't want to do it back home, do we?'
'No,' she shook her head. That would be a mistake.
'And we don't want to tell anyone about this? This will just be between us. Our little secret, right?'
'Yes.' They would most definitely not tell anyone. It would be too mortifying. She would have to bury herself in a hole and die. And after that, she would have to bury the others in a hole, and hoped they died too.
'Okay,' he breathed. 'Then we'll have to go to a motel.'
'Yes, a motel.'
'Um....I know one around here.' Why did that not surprise her? 'It's clean, you know. Not sleazy.' He sounded apologetic. 'Unless you prefer something classier....after all, it's your first time and it's special and all that -'
'No, no. A motel suits me fine.' She had been in plenty of motels. Backpacking in the days when she was poorer. At least she would be familiar. It would almost be like home.
'Okay.' He started the car again, and guided it on to the road. 'And you can change your mind any time you want to. All you have to do is to say stop, okay?'
'Okay.' She wanted to laugh again. Most of the time, he tried to come off as a super sexy stud, but underneath it all, he was really very nice and caring.
'And don't worry about prophylactics.' He gestured at the glove compartment. 'I've got them right here.' He cocked his head ruefully. 'That sounds terrible, doesn't it? It doesn't make me look very decent.'
Of course he would have prophylactics. He was just being....Brennan. She had to smile. 'It's okay. You have a life, even if I don't.'
Later. She definitely would have to tell him later.
They drove the rest of the journey in silence, not trusting themselves to speak any more while she gazed out of the window, awaiting the approaching rest-of-the-night with trepidation.
TBC
Chapter 2
'What...what...did you say?' She stammered after a moment. Her heart had momentarily stopped in her throat, she couldn't trust herself to speak.
He raised his head to glance at her - she couldn't really see his face, the night was dark and the trees cast long grey shadows on everything - but she saw him furtively lick his lips, like a shadowy afterthought. Real nervous like. A fleeting thought crossed her mind - Brennan Mulwray nervous... it was almost unimaginable. But the night was turning topsy- turvy and so was her world.
'I.....I...' he began. His voice was hoarse. He looked away.
She waited, her pulse drumming a frenetic staccato in her neck, almost as if it would burst out of her artery and gush out all the complex feelings she wasn't daring herself to feel in her head. A minute passed, but he never finished. She realized he was at a loss for words another first. The situation would have been hilarious had it not been so intense.
He wasn't the only one at a loss for words. She desperately wanted to say something to diffuse the discomfort of the moment. Preferably something witty and funny - like the kind of smart-ass repartee he would normally make - and they would laugh it off and go grab their burgers, or she would punch him in the arm for being chauvinistic, and go grab their burgers anyway.
How are we going to go back after this? She pondered. To where we were? How can anyone go back after this?
She opened her mouth to say something, but her voice came out in a half-squeak that was so puny she hoped he hadn't heard it.
The silence between them hung heavy, pregnant with expectation. Outside, the wind lifted the tree branches, rustling the leaves in a way that could only mean an approaching storm.
He seemed to gather his composure. 'I....' He paused and stole another glance at her. Seeming to make up his mind about something.
'Forget I ever said anything,' he said abruptly, and reached for the key in the ignition.
A shudder coursed through her as the engine started. She suddenly found her voice.
'No,' she laid her hand on his arm, before she knew what she was doing. 'No. I heard it right the first time. I know what you're saying, Brennan.'
He looked at her expectantly.
She took a deep breath. Her hand felt clammy where she touched his arm. She hoped he didn't notice that. 'I....I'm just so scared I need to think about it.'
He nodded, relieved. 'I just thought to offer..you know...I mean, because you said..what you said...'
She squeezed his arm without meaning to. Her hands felt real shaky. 'Yes, yes..I did say it...'
'And..it's a real big thing....you know, for girls....' He grabbed the gear and made a big do about shifting it into reverse. 'I didn't mean to say it was only for girls. I mean, for everyone....and you obviously need to think more about it.'
'Yes... I do......' she trailed off. The clear dark shape of the lock on the car window suddenly seemed interesting.
'So we should just go grab our burgers and shakes.' There was just the slightest strain on his tones. The Camaro was trundling over tree roots and bumpy patches.
'Yes, she agreed, her voice unsteady. 'That would be lovely.'
The wind was really swooping outside. Clouds scurried across the sky and the shadows dipped and danced. Nature seemed to be in a real rush about things all of a sudden. She wondered if she was - what was the term used for tele-empaths who could project their feelings onto nature - was there even such a thing? Or maybe the whole world simply felt as rushed as she felt, and they were projecting THEIR feelings onto her instead.
She was tele-babbling. Making no sense whatsoever. Inside the car, the air was really oppressive.
What do I do? She wondered desperately. What do I do now? How does one think about things like these? She could not even articulate her need honestly. Not even to herself. She only knew she felt so lonely - so incredibly empty.... Dread chasms upon valleys-like empty - Like there was a bottomless pit in the center of her stomach that would not be filled. Not today, not tomorrow, almost as though she had been feeling this irrepressible yearning her whole life. Was that what women did when they were depressed and lonely? Attempt to fill that hole in their bellies; and when those holes wouldn't - couldn't - be filled, what did they do next?
Think, Emma, she pleaded.
It was not as though she didn't find him physically attractive. Quite the contrary. Sometimes she didn't even trust herself to look at him, for fear of being caught out for staring too long. Staring at your best guy friend for more than a minute would definitely be perceived as sexually unhealthy. But at the same time, personality-wise, he was so totally wrong for her, definitely the kind of guy she would choose to stay away from if they hadn't been friends. (And of course, when she found out he was exactly that kind of guy, it was too late. They were already friends).
But wait. She mentally kicked herself. She was approaching this the wrong way. He had never said for one minute not that he had said much it was going to be anything but a one off (she hated to admit it) one night interlude. Feelings didn't come into the equation. He was just offering to help her out, something a friend would do. (And you know that's not entirely true, Emma). Where they went from here....relationships didn't even figure.
She found her voice again. Keep cool. Try to keep it from shaking. 'I need to ask you.... when you said what you did....it's just a...one off thing, right? I mean....you didn't mean for it to be ...with any strings attached?'
She didn't dare herself to hear the answer.
'No of course not,' he said huskily, never taking his eyes off the wheel. 'No strings attached. Just trying to help, that's all.'
Okay, she whispered to herself. He's not asking to start a relationship. She almost laughed out loud. Of course he's not asking to start a relationship. When did Brennan ever ask to start relationships? This was so totally in character she wondered why she even bothered to think about it in the first place.
And if he were, you know he's so totally wrong for you.
She wondered why she felt so disappointed.
'But,' he continued hastily, 'it's not as if I think you're a charity help case, or anything.' He looked alarmed. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. Of course you're not a charity case. And I'm not doing it out of charity...I mean I'm just trying to help..' She heard him groan inwardly. 'I'm screwing it up, aren't I? Maybe I'd just better shut up before I say something really stupid.'
She wanted to laugh. 'No it's okay. I know what you mean.'
Now he was babbling.
'And I know it's a big deal for girls....for guys it's not such a big deal, you know....' He snatched a look at her. 'I'm doing it again, aren't I? Saying all the wrong things? I shouldn't have generalized that. For some guys, I mean, sex is a big deal...but not for guys like me....' The car veered slightly as he swerved round some troublesome object that had fallen off onto the road. 'God, that came out wrong. I mean, it's also a big deal for guys like me, I like sex as much as the next guy.... but it's not like it's got to be in a relationship or anything....and I know that sounds really crass...' He trailed off lamely.
They drove on in silence for a while. On the windshield, rain drops the size of quarters began to spatter with a loud thuck-thuck-thuck knocking. Momentarily, the spatter turned into a deluge, and the entire screen was covered in a blinding downpour. Brennan switched on the headlights, adjusted the gear to fog handling mode and turned up the wipers to maximum.
She swallowed. Her throat felt parched despite the wetness outside, like she had been running a marathon.
What do you do, Emma? What do you do? You know what you want. Be honest. She clasped her hands. Clammy cold. Tele-nature-emphatic.
For once, carpe diem. Be decisive. You're only in this spot today because you've never been decisive.
Gripping the armrest by the door, she said, 'Yes.'
He was momentarily distracted by the headlights from an oncoming car. 'Hmmm?"
Inside her chest, her heart was thrumming up a painful beat. Was this what adrenaline felt like? She breathed deeply. 'I said yes.' Yes, adrenaline. If her heart slammed onto her ribs any harder, she knew they would break.
For a second, she thought he hadn't heard her, the rain was coming down too loud onto the metal bonnet of the car.
Then he said 'Okay.' Keeping his eyes tightly fixed on the road. Not looking at her.
She didn't want to look at him either. A laugh bubbled up her very parched throat and threatened to spill out over her sides. If they weren't even going to look at each other, how were they ever going to get to do IT?
'Any time you're ready,' he added.
She gripped the armrest even tighter. 'Like now's a good time.' She couldn't believe she said that. But she had to say it before she lost her nerve completely.
He slammed on the brakes. She felt herself jolt forward, thankful she was wearing a seat belt. The car skidded to a halt by the side of the road. Behind them, an 18-wheeler truck whooshed past, horns blaring.
'Woah, Emma,' he was breathing hard, his hands gripping the steering wheel. 'You really know how to surprise a guy.'
Yes I really do, she thought, a wild laugh escaping her. Sometimes I surprise even myself.
She found herself saying, 'Unless you don't want to..of course...'
'No no, I can do it any time.' He turned to look at her, reaching out with his hand to tilt her head towards him. His other hand fumbled with the light switch overhead. They had been in darkness for what seemed like a long while, and it suddenly hit her full blast. Her pupils instantly contracted and she had to squint.
Oh my god, she whimpered inwardly. What am I doing?
'I mean to say....' He offered sheepishly, 'most guys can do it any time...'
She didn't really want to look at him, but she couldn't take her eyes away. In the dim yellow incandescence, he was looking particularly gorgeous. The planes of his face were clean and stark, and his usual super put on macho exterior had melted away, leaving on him a wistful expression of vulnerability. Almost as though he could be innocent again. It suited him.
'I have to do it now,' she said, 'before I think too much about it.'
He shook his head. 'Emma, the last thing I want to do is to take advantage of you when you're feeling like this -'
'No. It's something I need right now. I need..this.' Somehow, talking to him was making her feel better. More decisive. 'I just don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you -'
'No,' he laughed. 'You must never think that. I can ever be taken advantage of....Not in a million years. It's different for us guys.'
There was just something else she needed to tell him. Something important. Her other embarrassing secret. But not yet. The time wasn't right.
'I just need to be.....held, you know.' She looked at him expectantly.
'I know, I know.' He ran his finger across her cheek, almost absent- mindedly. 'All of us need that, once in a while.' His face clouded, and his hand dropped to his side. 'Sometimes more than once in a while.'
Instinctively, deep down inside, she knew he needed to be comforted too. Almost as much as she did.
'So, she asked, 'what do we do now?'
Her heart was beating wildly again. In a little while, she thought, I'm going to be making love to one of the most gorgeous guys on the planet. Why does that thought petrify me so?
He said slowly, 'We don't want to do it back home, do we?'
'No,' she shook her head. That would be a mistake.
'And we don't want to tell anyone about this? This will just be between us. Our little secret, right?'
'Yes.' They would most definitely not tell anyone. It would be too mortifying. She would have to bury herself in a hole and die. And after that, she would have to bury the others in a hole, and hoped they died too.
'Okay,' he breathed. 'Then we'll have to go to a motel.'
'Yes, a motel.'
'Um....I know one around here.' Why did that not surprise her? 'It's clean, you know. Not sleazy.' He sounded apologetic. 'Unless you prefer something classier....after all, it's your first time and it's special and all that -'
'No, no. A motel suits me fine.' She had been in plenty of motels. Backpacking in the days when she was poorer. At least she would be familiar. It would almost be like home.
'Okay.' He started the car again, and guided it on to the road. 'And you can change your mind any time you want to. All you have to do is to say stop, okay?'
'Okay.' She wanted to laugh again. Most of the time, he tried to come off as a super sexy stud, but underneath it all, he was really very nice and caring.
'And don't worry about prophylactics.' He gestured at the glove compartment. 'I've got them right here.' He cocked his head ruefully. 'That sounds terrible, doesn't it? It doesn't make me look very decent.'
Of course he would have prophylactics. He was just being....Brennan. She had to smile. 'It's okay. You have a life, even if I don't.'
Later. She definitely would have to tell him later.
They drove the rest of the journey in silence, not trusting themselves to speak any more while she gazed out of the window, awaiting the approaching rest-of-the-night with trepidation.
TBC