Chapter 9
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, except for my own. The rest belong to Tribune Entertainment.
My goodness, what a week! I'm in the middle of a deadly SARS viral outbreak and everyone around me is panicking. It does screw my life up entirely. I can't even go to shopping malls anymore without a mask, we've given all the field staff a holiday and my company is thinking of putting me in quarantine just because I've visited 2 afflicted countries in the past 2 weeks. Oh well, if I'm going to be in quarantine, at least I'll have more time to write.
Pls R & R to cheer me up.
Rated PG-13, R at the end for deviant sex.
'If you knew you were in love with someone,' Emma asked Brennan one week later, her heart palpitating in her chest, 'would you act on it?'
They were in his car en route to Karyn's sorority party.
'You mean to ask me...have I acted upon it?'
Well yes, she thought restlessly. Past, present, whatever. Just give me a clue what goes on in that mind of yours.
'Actually, I was in two minds about it. With Mrs. Lipinski, I was afraid of being hurt.' He gave a short laugh. 'Imagine me..I'm used to hurting other people, and I'm not proud of it. But afraid of getting hurt myself. It was such an irony.'
For the next few months, he stayed with Maria Lipinski, seeing her every day when she came home from work and he from school. Watching her as she bustled around the kitchen, making them dinner; him offering to dice the carrots for her and strain the peas. Being near her as she spooned out the gravy for the potatoes, their hands touching as he held out the dish.
He did not bring up the subject of adoption again. Now that he realized he was in love with her, it was too mortifying, almost like incest. And she didn't volunteer the topic either. Perhaps she too knew it was futile; someone with his recklessness would only hurt any mother. And she couldn't bear to be hurt anymore, not since she lost her own son. To lose one's child; it was an event so tragic that its echoes transcended the years, leaving a patina of sorrow that could never be erased. And after such a memory, she would naturally be wary to love another child again.
So he could only hope that she would tarry on, never being able to find him a foster home. After all, he was already sixteen, two years to adulthood and being his own man in the eyes of the state. And he could live with her until then, he thought, and be allowed to love her. And after that....
'Brennan, you have stopped stealing, haven't you?' she asked him one day.
He had, for a while. He didn't want her to send him away again.
'Well, you've got to find yourself something to do. You're here with me, night after night. Surely a boy your age would want to go out.'
Not really, he thought. I'm exactly where I want to be, with you. Besides, if he went out, he would be tempted to hook up with some of his friends again, and he would probably gravitate back towards thieving. Or street fighting.
She reached out to hold his hand. 'I'm proud of you. And I don't want you to do this for me. You've got to want to do this for yourself.'
He nodded, afraid she would give him the 'you've got a future ahead of you' spiel. The truth was, he didn't want to think too much about the future. The present was complicated enough.
If only there wasn't such an age difference. If only he had been older, or she younger. If only the circumstances had been different and she didn't see him so much as a delinquent teenager who needed to be taken under her wing. He had only himself to blame for that. There were so many 'if only's.'
Truth be told, he didn't mind the twenty four-odd years difference in age between them. He was only worried that she minded. And he was concerned that she would never see him as anything other than the little boy in the hospital bed who liked Rocky Road ice cream.
He wondered if he dared to act on it. How would she react if he told her straight out, when they having dinner, that he was in love with her? Or maybe when they were out walking in the park? Would she dismiss it as a silly teenage infatuation? He couldn't bear to be laughed at; his love for her was very real and important to him and just because he was sixteen, rejection wouldn't hurt any less.
But then he was a doer, his mother had always said. He was always one to make things happen, he didn't want to sit back passively and wait. It usually proved to be his undoing in a lot of things. He hoped this wasn't going to be one of them.
'Are you seeing anyone, Brennan?' she asked him one day when they were sitting on the couch watching TV.
He pondered on how to answer this. 'Not technically, no.' He wasn't counting all those quickie sessions during break. All those girls didn't mind anyway that he didn't love them; they were just using him as much as he was using them, and they were probably bragging about it too. At least, he would like to think it was as easy as that.
'Don't hurt anyone too much, Brennan,' she said, stroking his cheek. 'It's just that the human heart, at your age... it can be broken so easily.'
What about my heart? he thought. Would anyone care about breaking it?
He said desperately, 'Maria, if you were in love with someone, would you tell them?'
She seemed to give this serious consideration. Then she nodded. 'Yes I would tell them. I would have to be honest with myself, if nothing else. And I would like to know where I stand; if there was a possible future, or if I had to reluctantly but surely move on. It's easier said than done, but it's for the best.'
He felt his heart throbbing painfully. He had to do it before he lost his nerve.
Turning to her, he held her face in his hands and kissed her long and deeply. Before she could gasp out in surprise, he kissed her again, amazed at the passion that arose within him.
'Brennan?' Her palms were on his chest, resisting. 'What're you doing?'
'I love you.' He didn't quite know what else to say. 'Please please let me love you.'
And with that, he kissed her again, feeling her lips yield against his. He didn't want to overwhelm her with his physical need, but he didn't know how else to express himself. So he kissed her and kissed her, each kiss more hungry than the next, until he was devouring her mouth and pushing her down onto the couch; fumbling at the buttons on her blouse and the clasp of her skirt. Fearing that any moment she would ask him to stop, because he didn't quite know if he could stop.
She sighed, seeming to make up her mind about something, and surrendered to him. Throwing her head back, she allowed him to rain kisses on her neck, and peel her blouse back to expose her bra. No words, the way he liked it in those days, because words complicated things. And right now, he was in wonderland, because for the first time in his life, he was making love to a woman he loved; and it made the experience all the more sensuous, like he was on a heightened plane of rapture.
When he entered her, she cried out; and he was afraid he had hurt her. But she reassured him by pulling on his buttocks, drawing him deeper into her, until he felt himself drowning. He didn't want to disappoint her by releasing himself too early, so he held back as long as he could. He wanted to make this experience as memorable for her as it was for him, so he employed all his considerable skills to vary and prolong it; making sure she cried out again several times before he allowed himself to climax.
As he lay back panting, his body covered in a sheen of sweat, his limbs still entwined with hers, she said: 'We shouldn't have done that.'
How could a manifestation of love be wrong? 'Why do you say that?'
'Because..it was wrong of me to take advantage of you.' She turned her head away, not meeting his eyes. 'But I was lonely, so very lonely...and it has been so long since someone touched me that way. Though that's no excuse.'
He put out a hand to stroke her hair. 'I love you. I've been in love with you since the day you rescued me. You didn't take advantage of me. I was afraid I was taking advantage of you.'
She shook her head. 'It was very wrong of me. But you're so very beautiful, I couldn't help myself.' She gazed into his eyes. 'That's why I don't think having you here is a good idea. I'll always be tempted to think of you as more than someone I'm supposed to be in charge of. It'll never work out.'
A sliver of dread crept up his spine. Please please don't let her say it. He was beginning to regret being impulsive now. 'What do you mean?'
She sat him up, and cupped his face in her hands. 'Brennan, look at you. You're sixteen. A very grown-up and sexually mature sixteen, granted, but you're still sixteen. I'm forty. I'm old enough to be your mother. What does that tell you?'
He was ready for that. 'But it doesn't matter to me. As long as I love you..I could make you so happy, and you don't have to be so lonely anymore..' His voice faltered. 'You don't even have to love me back, not in that way..you can just use me...I can live with that...'
'Oh Brennan.' There were tears in her eyes. 'You don't know what you're saying. You deserve so much better than that. What are you going to say when you are twenty-six, and I'm fifty? Or when you're thirty-six, in the prime of your life, and I'm sixty? You don't want to be saddled with a menopausal old woman, and you're going to wonder why you are.'
He closed his eyes. There was a physical pain in his chest; he knew it was a metaphor but he could literally feel his heart breaking. 'You're going to send me away, aren't you?'
'I'm going to have to find you a shelter, yes. If I can't find you another foster home. It's for the best.'
He averted his face from her. He didn't know it was possible to hurt this badly. Was this what Dash went through? In any case, he deserved it. He deserved every bit of it.
'Brennan...I'm sorry...'
He could feel her hands on his chest but he pushed them away. And swallowed. 'It's okay. I'll be all right. Just....give me a moment to be alone.'
She nodded. 'If it's any help, even if you don't stay here with me, I'll always be here for you.'
Picking up his clothes from the floor like so many pieces of pain and refusing to look at her, he walked out of the room, not really noticing where he was going. If this was what falling in love was all about, he was going to make damned well sure he would never do it again.
*
*
Listening to this, Emma felt a sense of foreboding. It was at the tip of her tongue. She wanted to ask him, 'And after you made that resolution, have you broken it? Is it possible for you to love again?' After all, it was a long time ago. But she knew him. He carried scars he did not speak of, or even acknowledge he had them. He was stubborn that way. But they had arrived and she kept her mouth shut. A different sense of foreboding was now looming in front of her.
'Brennan, you're not going to embarrass me in front of my friends, are you?' The dress he chose for her was embarrassing enough. She wore a red spaghetti-strapped cocktail number that clung to her body like a leech. Her lipstick was blood red and for contrast, he selected a black string choker for her neck that was so tight her throat felt constricted.
'How would I embarrass you? You're going to look beautiful.' He pecked her on the cheek, taking care not to smudge her lipstick.
With his arm around her waist, she rang the bell of the sorority house she had never been a part of. Inside she could hear raucous laughter and the thumping beat of techno. This was so not her scene. She was beginning to wonder if anyone would hear the bell over the din, when the door opened and someone screamed.
'Emma!' The whirlwind that was her friend Karyn embraced her. Yup, that was Karyn's specialty; making you feel as though you were the only person worth caring about in the world. No wonder everyone loved her. 'You look so gorgeous!'
'Congratulations on getting engaged,' Emma said, hugging her friend back. She wouldn't have minded coming if it had been Karyn alone. It was the others she couldn't bear.
'Well, it's been like forever you know for Jimmy and me...it's about time he popped the question. And who's your friend?' She glanced bemusedly at Brennan.
'I'm Emma's fiancé, Brennan,' he said before she could even open her mouth, taking hold of Karyn's hand and shaking it.
Karyn turned sparkling eyes on Emma. 'Oh my goodness, this is absolutely fabulous. You didn't tell me you were getting married?'
Uh, Emma thought, I didn't know I was getting married either. And with all her emotions tied up in a painful knot over him, for a moment she thought and hoped that he was serious; until she saw him wink at her; and she knew it was part of this big scheme he had to embarrass her despite all her protestations.
Oh damn his eyes.
'Well Emma,' Karyn took her hand and Brennan's to usher them into the house, 'this is great news. Hey everyone!' she shouted before Emma could stop her. 'Look who's here. It's Emma and she's brought her fiancé!'
As everyone she knew - and didn't know - came to gush and give her best wishes, crowding around them like ants at a picnic, Emma felt herself sinking into a hole. She was so going to kill him for this. She didn't honestly know how she would last the night. As she expected, the rapid-fire twenty questions were coming. Where did you meet him? What does he do for a living? Where have you been since quitting college? Do you have a job? Where did you find him? Are there more where he came from?
Pleading faintness, she begged to go to the restroom. She had to compose herself, compose a story, and pick up the first sharp instrument to stab him (and herself) with. They always say you hurt the ones you love, and she was going to make damned well sure she joined that bandwagon.
It was a mistake, leaving him alone. When she came out, he was seated in an armchair, twirling a can of beer in his hand and surrounded by a circle of her former female acquaintances, including Karyn.
He was saying, 'Emma and I met at a party like this. The moment I laid eyes on her from across the room, I knew she was "the one." It was incredible, you know, how people talk about love at first sight?' They nodded breathlessly. 'Well I didn't think it would happen to me, but there she was. And I just knew..wham..it hit me.'
'Wow,' someone said. 'Was it love at first sight for Emma too?'
She fully expected him to say, 'Why don't you ask her? She's standing over there.' But he didn't. Instead he intoned ruefully, 'No, I'm afraid not. She was with this older guy, rich as Croessus. He adored her and she had only eyes for him. I didn't think I stood a chance.'
Emma gripped the back of a chair. He was so making her sound like a gold digger.
'You've got to be kidding me,' another of her friends quipped. 'But you're so..wow.'
'Well, it was a couple of years back and at that time, I was only a medical student.'
Emma choked.
'You're a doctor?' everyone chorused.
'Uh huh. But not at that time. I was trying to work my way through med school when I met Emma. In that party, I was on the stage, performing.'
'You're a performer too?' asked someone.
'Yup, I was actually doing erotic dancing, 'cause the tips were good, if you know what I mean.' Emma almost swallowed her tongue. 'I was wearing this tight black G-string with metal studs on it and a black leather slave collar with a ring. I had these leather armbands and black knee length boots, and nothing else on. I was up there on the stage, doing this little S&M dance routine with a whip. And she didn't even notice me.'
There were more than a few shocked gasps. Brennan was in a decent black tank top (albeit a tight one) and jeans, but all rounded eyes were now riveted to his body, lingering on his chest and crotch. Gad, she thought in disgust, they were practically mind-raping him. Which was of course his intended reaction.
There was a rush of breathless questions. 'Wow, like, would you care to do a demo for us?' And 'How much do you charge for a performance? Maybe we should take a pool right now.' And 'How can Emma not notice you?'
Brennan shrugged. 'Emma doesn't notice things like that. Anyway, I don't do the erotic dancing thing anymore, Emma cured me. Nowadays, I just give private performances for her. Right, Emma?'
Her voice sounded funny wheezing through gritted teeth. 'Brennan, can I talk to you for a second? In private?'
He grinned at his audience. 'She's got me wrapped round her little finger. When she calls, I jump. Yes sweetie.' He languorously uncurled himself to wade through his admirers (yep, they were his admirers all right) to join her.
'What do you think you are doing?' she hissed, pulling him out of earshot.
His eyes twinkled mischievously. 'I'm giving your friends a fantasy trip, that's what.'
Ooooh, she couldn't believe the man's arrogance. 'And what makes you think you are qualified to give them this...fantasy trip of yours?'
'Just look at their faces. I get that look a lot when I tell a variation of that story. They're having fun. And besides, the point is to get them really envious of you and your devoted new boyfriend.'
She was getting a headache. Before she could open her mouth again, he kissed her with passion, making sure everyone was watching. He whispered 'Relax' and bounded back to his perch to continue tale spinning.
She seriously needed a drink.
As she went to the kitchen to pour herself a gin she detested beer, Karyn materialized. 'You've got yourself a handful, Emma. He's incredibly hot, this new fiancé of yours. A little too hot maybe. How are you handling that?'
Emma downed her drink in one gulp, not noticing the immediate burn that glowered from her esophagus all the way down to her stomach. She sighed. 'Karyn, he's not my fiancée. I wanted to tell you that earlier but he thinks it's all one big joke. The fiancée thing was his idea. He's just a ..best friend I happen to be involved with.'
Karyn nodded, smiling slightly. 'I thought his stories were a little incredible. So he's your boyfriend?'
'I don't know how to put it. That's what I was hoping to talk to you about. You have to swear not to tell anybody about this.' Taking a deep breath, she gave Karyn a brief sketch of the past month's events without going into too much detail.
'Wow,' Karyn said when she had finished. 'I didn't know you were going through all that. I mean, I used to envy you when you were in college. You're so beautiful, but you never seemed to notice it. You always seemed to be ashamed of yourself, if you don't mind me saying so, when you don't need to be.' She paused. 'And I guess he is a pretty hot best friend to have. I can see why you might be tempted.'
Emma closed her eyes. 'I think I'm in too deep now.'
Karyn looked at her questioningly. 'Are you sure you really, really love him? And this is not some one-off lust thing? Men like that have a tendency to do that to you. You think you're in love with them, when what you're really feeling is a physical craving.'
'No, I think...,' she corrected herself '.I know I'm in love with him. This is different. It's not just the sex, God knows I don't even like sex that much, though he's changing my mind about that. I just like being with him, even when he's not touching me. When I wake up in the morning and he's lying next to me, I get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm drowning in him, you know. And when he's not around, I spend all my conscious time thinking about when I'm going to see him next, what I would say to him, what we would do together. When I finally do see him, it's like my mind is blown away. I'm smiling inside, I forget all the things I had planned to say or do....and just let him take over. I know that sounds lame, but it's how I feel.'
Now she was sounding like a Mills and Boon novel. Oh drat, she didn't think she would descend into that.
There was a silence before Karyn replied, smiling, 'You've got it bad, girlfriend.'
'I know,' she said miserably. 'And I still don't know how he feels. Don't ask me to ask him because I don't really think I can handle rejection right now.'
'You think he's going to reject you? What if he feels the same way?'
'What do you think?
Karyn shook her head. 'I don't know him well enough to answer that. But from what you say about him...and from what I can see...there might be a possibility. The more important thing is what happens after he says yes. If he says yes.' She hesitated. 'How honest do you want me to be?'
'Be honest.' A feeling of dread was beginning to gather in her belly.
'Well, this is just my opinion. And I might be totally wrong. But I would be a total wreck if I had a boyfriend or husband like that. Just look at him out there....he loves attention, especially from females. And he's always going to get it wherever he goes, you can't stop that. The question is - can you handle it?'
I honestly don't know, Emma thought. I haven't been able to even think that far yet. Karyn was always deep that way. Emma was suddenly glad she came. She needed to talk about this real bad.
'He's also got the typical bad boy thing going for him,' Karyn continued. 'And in the past, you say he's not been exactly monogamous. Even when he has decided to commit himself to you, hypothetically speaking, can he stay with one woman for long? You must remember this is one guy women are going to be hitting on day after day, night after night. You can't be there watching him every minute. Can you trust him when he's away from you? I'm not saying this is his fault entirely. Imagine if you're a beautiful woman - and you are, of course - with a kind of sensuality that makes men go wild. Shalimar, Emma thought. Not me. . And you get men coming on to you wherever you go, on the elevator, in a mall. At some point, you're going to be tempted to yield. What's more, Brennan's a guy. They don't generally have inhibitions like we women do.'
Emma felt her heart sinking. 'You're telling me it would never work out.'
'No, no one can tell you that. Stranger things have happened. I'm just saying that loving a man like him comes with a risk. If that's a risk you're willing to take - and the risk is that you might get hurt badly - then you should follow your heart. Personally I prefer someone safer; someone who loves me possibly more than I love him, like Jimmy. He may not turn my world inside out like a rollercoaster, I won't exactly pine for him every day but at least I have a better chance at something long term. And I won't get hurt.' Karyn laid a hand on Emma's face. 'I know that doesn't sound very exciting but it's the way more and more women are starting to think nowadays. Call it self-preservation.'
Oh yes, she knew someone safer. Someone who loved her a whole lot more than she cared to admit, when she only felt affection for him. Someone she didn't even want to think about because she was so wrapped up with Brennan.
Oh poor dear sweet Jesse! And he was beautiful too in such a safe, golden, nurturing way...so unlike Brennan, whose looks inspired dangerous erotic thoughts at first glance. In a lot of other women.
Karyn hugged her. 'Don't fret. The solution will come to you in time. Come say hi to Jimmy, he's been wanting to catch up with you. And,' she peered through the door, 'I think you'd better go rescue your fiancée. Sherry and Dana are all over him. They'd be wanting to score tonight, maybe together, and I don't think they care if he's your boyfriend.'
Emma rolled her eyes. 'He asked for it. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. Just tell him I'm going for a walk.'
With that, she stalked off through the back door, feeling more than just a little peeved.
*
'Emma?' He caught up with her almost immediately. 'Hey, where are you going?'
She was ashamed. She had walked off in a jealous huff when she had no right to. Now she was behaving like a lovesick teenager when she had not laid one single claim on him. 'I just wanted to go for a walk. It's my old campus after all.'
'Without a coat?'
She had forgotten it. There was a chill wind blowing and she had hardly noticed it. All she had been thinking about was how right Karyn was, and how loving Brennan was only going to give her a heartbreak. It was already happening, and she was not the only one. She remembered Shalimar's prophetic words - 'He's breaking my heart even before I ever gave it to him.'
God, is this what Shalimar went through? This wasn't even the tip of the iceberg and she was already starting to feel like a wreck.
He took off his jacket and put it around her shoulders, and she just wanted to cry at the ambiguity of it. Here she was, trying to rationalize how bad he was for her (not that she didn't know it from the start)..and when he did something like that, it made her want to melt all over again and sink into his arms like a lovelorn puppy. Damn him to hell. And when she looked into his concerned brown eyes, all misgivings flew out the window. She would be denying her very existence if she claimed she didn't want lose herself into him, and a love like that (she thought) was worth every sliver of hurt that came along with it.
They walked together in companionable silence, his arm around her and her hand in his back jeans pocket.
'Aren't you worried Sherry and Dana will be missing you?' she asked after a while.
'Is that who they were? Nah. I'm doing a look but no touch with your friends tonight just to get the envy thing going.' He had the sense to look embarrassed. 'I know I sound really vain but it actually works sometimes. And you women do it all the time anyway. So I thought I'd get my own back.'
'Well, don't do it too often,' she said. 'There's such a thing as hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.' She was thinking of Shalimar.
'The actual quote is "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorned." It's by William Congreve in The Mourning Bride, 1697. It's probably the most misquoted saying in the universe.'
'Well, I like the modern version better.'
'Not if you bear brunt of it.'
*
*
'I finished with school and foster homes when I turned eighteen, and after that I hit the streets. I got into robbery in a big way since I was so good at it. But I balked at the people stuff you know, like drugs and prostitution. Though when I was about twenty-two, I worked for a guy who was into everything.'
Life was good. He had plenty of money, his own apartment, a new car and he was one of the most successful robbers (armed or unarmed) in the business. His star was rising in the underworld; he had a boss who liked him, and a boss's lieutenant who didn't.
'I could do no wrong where my boss was concerned,' Brennan said. "His name was Vincent Carolco and he ran the whole of the lower west side. He had ties to the Family so no one messed with him. He made sure I had a good cut of everything.'
Mr Carolco also ran a legitimate business in health spas all over the country (that was actually a front for his prostitution rings), something that kept him so busy he was hardly around. He had a wife and three grown daughters who were largely occupied with traveling around Europe, or so they told Brennan when he came in. The boss was also real forgetful.
One day, he called Brennan on the cellphone. 'Need an urgent favor from you, Mulwray.' Brennan liked the way he called him Mulwray and not 'kid' like most of the others. 'It's my wife's birthday. I'm in Florida right now, and she's going ballistic. Why you don't take her out to dinner and buy her jewelry? Charge it on the account. Get her Tiffany's or something.'
Swell, he was thinking, now I'll have to nurse some geriatric old woman. 'Yeah, sure thing. If you'll just give me the address.'
'Get it from Eli. She's expecting you at seven.' The phone went dead.
Why don't you get Eli to take her out instead? Sighing, he dialed Eli anyway, knowing full well the lieutenant detested him.
'Don't screw this up, kid,' Eli warned. 'You're getting cocky. Mess around with her and you're dead, I promise.'
And why in the world would I want to mess around with Mrs. Carolco? Her three daughters were, like, working age? The woman had to be over fifty if she was a day. He felt a stab of guilt at the memory of Maria Lipinski, and wondered if he was now having this phobic complex because of her.
When he rang the bell at the gracious Spanish mansion he was now privileged to see, he was shocked to see a dark-haired woman in her early thirties at the door. She was quite a stunner too, in a sloe-eyed predatory way; like one of those film noir women who schemed to murder their older (and usually richer) husbands.
'Mrs. Carolco?' He hoped his jaw wasn't dropping open too wide.
'You must be Brennan, that new whiz kid I was hearing about.' Her voice was low, he wondered if she always spoke like that. 'Come in.' She turned her back on him and he could see the criss-crossing of her spaghetti- strapped dress.
He stepped hesitantly in, looking around the opulent lounge. 'Happy Birthday.' When she turned, he fumbled in his pocket and handed her a gift- wrapped box. 'Um, Mr. Carolco... I mean Vincent got you this.'
'Bullshit,' she said. 'He sent you out to buy me jewelry. Let me guess, Tiffany's right? And you had to pick it out? Let's see what taste you've got.'
She unwrapped the box carelessly. Her expression softened when she saw the lilac cameo he had selected. He had seen one like it in Mrs. Lipinski's collection, and assumed it might be appropriate for an older woman. 'This is different. So you don't dig the flashy stuff huh? Actually, he did. Anyway,' she tossed the box onto the plush sofa, 'I don't like jewelry, but he never got that into his thick skull. I like other things, and if you're lucky, you might just be a part of that.' She gave him a significant look.
He was feeling a little hot, and loosened the neck of his shirt a little. 'Where are your children?'
'I don't have any children.' She was amused. 'You must have me confused with the first Mrs. Carolco. He divorced that old bag years ago. I'm his second wife.'
'Oh,' he said, feeling foolish.
'Now we've got that age thing over and done with, where are we going?'
She took him to a posh restaurant where the reservation list was as high as the cholesterol in the foie gras, though she circumvented it by breezing in, the maitre' d bowing and scraping. She then proceeded to order for both of them the most expensive dishes on the menu, together with a one thousand dollar bottle of wine that was corked in 1945.
'Why aren't you eating?' she asked him.
He was more a Chinese take-away and burgers kind of guy. 'Um..this is pretty ritzy stuff.'
'I can see I'm going to have to educate you.' She looked pointedly at him. 'In a lot of things. You have a girlfriend?'
'Here and there,' he replied honestly.
'Do you like sex?'
Her frankness was discomfiting him. 'Mrs. Carolco, where is this leading?'
'Maddie.'
'What?'
'You can call me Maddie.' To his alarm, he felt a stockinged foot toeing his crotch. Jeepers, the woman was shameless. He shifted uncomfortably, looking around. No one noticed. He was thankful for that because he couldn't help feeling aroused. Her eyes never left his face. She was enjoying this.
'Maddie, I don't think it's a good idea.'
'You don't strike me as the shy type.'
'I'm not. But you're my boss's wife.'
'And?' She raised an eyebrow. 'You never wanted to get back at him? I certainly do.'
'He's a pretty decent guy. And besides, if he found out, I don't think I'd live very long.'
'Don't you like your sex laced with a bit of danger?'
Her foot was working up a full massage now. He hated to admit it, but he was getting a tremendous erection. And he had to concede the danger part was very alluring.
'I was so so foolish in those days,' Brennan groaned to Emma. 'But she was sexy as hell. She was super-confident, unlike any woman I'd ever met. She knew what she wanted, and she went straight for it. No small talk. And in those days, I didn't think very much with my brain.'
'You still don't,' Emma said.
'I like to think I'm improving.'
When he drove Maddie home, with her tongue in his ear and her hand inside his trousers, he was still having second thoughts. As he parked on her drive, the engine still running, he was saying, 'I really don't think this is a good idea.'
'No one will ever find out. And besides, you haven't given me my birthday present.'
'You threw it on the couch.'
'That's not the one I want.' She gave him a tug, not a gentle one. 'This is what I like. Right here.'
He had to think about it. And quickly before his libido got the better of him. If it hadn't won already. 'What about your help? What if they see me?'
'I gave them all the night off. Why do you think I answered the door? I did a scan check on you before you came. They gave me your pictures.'
And with that, she unzipped him all the way and took him into her mouth. It was so sudden that he had to grip the steering wheel, almost depressing the horn. He was glad the gear was in park. Good grief, but the woman was incredible at this, well beyond even the high water mark of the health spa experts who were always giving him one for free. It was as though she knew his anatomy inside out and the right pleasure spots to sensitize. And God, she was so fucking, fucking incredible.
After a while, he did something he'd never done to a woman before. He climaxed directly into her mouth. He looked down to apologize, but she was obviously enjoying the spillage and she didn't look one bit ruffled, like she was used to doing this everyday.
'I'm sorry,' he said anyway.
'I'm sure there's more of that where it came from. You look like a strong young man.'
She led him upstairs into her bedroom. Before he could protest, she ripped his shirt apart. He nervously looked around, 'Are you sure we're not being videotaped?' 'Relax,' she laughed. 'If there's any videotaping to be done, I'll do it.' Then she kissed him...no, devoured his mouth like she was a voracious animal while tearing off his pants, feeding on him until he found himself in a state of full arousal again. There was nothing soft or tender about her, and he found himself reacting similarly; undressing her swiftly, uncovering bare skin underneath. She wore no bra or panties, just a garter belt and stockings.
Oh heck, sex with her was going to be one hell of a trip.
'I want you to fuck me right now,' she commanded. 'And don't hold anything back.'
He pushed her down on the bed, and plunged into her roughly. She threw back her head and pulled him down with her, her fingernails digging into his back. He sensed she liked it like that, and ploughed ahead, merciless, until the bed was creaking and slamming against the wall, and he hoped he wasn't making a dent. She was whispering in his ear 'Fuck me, Brennan' over and over, and the scintillating words he had to admit he was one of those men who liked women to talk dirty to him drove him to new heights. He gathered her legs, folded them at the hips against her body and drove into her deeper, practically skewering her; and she retaliated by coming and gouging long bloody marks in his back.
After he came for the second time that night, he lay back, feeling his wounds prickle, and said, 'You've got to understand this is only for tonight, okay? I can't take the risk.'
'You'll be back,' she said, biting into his neck, not gently. 'That's a promise.'
'No. No I won't. Like I said, I value my life.'
He got up to leave, but she pressed him down again with a 'Stay the night. We're all alone.' And after a while, he drifted off to sleep. He was exhausted after all. He hoped he would wake up before someone came in the morning and saw his car parked outside.
When he awoke however, she was straddling him. He tried to move, but his wrists were manacled to the bedposts, and so were his ankles. The cold steel bit into his flesh. What was the woman trying to do? She had circled his neck with a leather slave collar that had a metal ring attached to it, and she was putting on black leather gloves.
'What are you doing?' He pulled helplessly at the manacles.
She smiled seductively, and ran a gloved finger down his groin, eliciting from him a shudder. 'I'm making you my slave. Like I said, I have a lot to educate you.'
*
*
Emma woke up, disoriented. She was lying in a tangle of limbs...Brennan's limbs, thank God, and they were lying on the floor, naked, a quilt around them. The sunlight was spilling through the window; she realized they were in a room (one of the rooms upstairs in the sorority house, probably) and there was a bed next to where they were lying. There were people asleep in the bed. Naked, without the quilt.
She sat up in alarm. She knew she should have been shocked, and overwhelmingly stricken and perhaps she would have been one month ago before they started this ; though nowadays, with him in tow, situations like these were becoming commonplace.
Bits of flashes from the night before were coming back. She had been titillated by his stories and the images he had projected into her mind; she blushed to even think of them. He had suggested they go back to the party, and they had danced 'Let's show them some erotic dancing,' he had whispered and she had thrown back a few drinks. And after a while, her senses dulled and everything became one big blur.
And now here she was. Naked in a roomful of naked people. Her clothes were strewn next to her. She needed to go to the bathroom - there was one attached to the bedroom - but she was too embarrassed to go the way she was.
As she sat up to gather her clothes, she noticed a stickiness on the insides of her thighs. Great, she thought, she was getting her period. What a time to be getting it. She would have to borrow something from Karyn.
Next to her, Brennan stirred and opened his eyes. 'Hey.'
'Hey to you too.'
'Some hot night huh?'
It would have been hotter if I remembered most of it, she thought. She smiled at him anyway.
He grinned back. 'So what does it feel like not to be a virgin anymore?'
She felt the world stop right there. 'What do you mean?'
'I meant about last night. I figured you were loosened up enough, you had plenty of drinks and you were in the mood. So I went right ahead and did it.' He looked concerned. 'I thought that was the idea. And after this, you don't have to put up with me anymore.'
But, she thought, her thoughts racing, I wasn't ready. I need more time to make you fall in love with me. And I don't remember a thing, not that it matters in the light of other things.
More importantly, was this going to be the end? Was she going to lose him, this intimacy they had? She hadn't even told him she loved him. Oh damn it, she desperately needed more time.
'You okay, Emma?'
No, she thought, I'm so not okay.
TBC
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, except for my own. The rest belong to Tribune Entertainment.
My goodness, what a week! I'm in the middle of a deadly SARS viral outbreak and everyone around me is panicking. It does screw my life up entirely. I can't even go to shopping malls anymore without a mask, we've given all the field staff a holiday and my company is thinking of putting me in quarantine just because I've visited 2 afflicted countries in the past 2 weeks. Oh well, if I'm going to be in quarantine, at least I'll have more time to write.
Pls R & R to cheer me up.
Rated PG-13, R at the end for deviant sex.
'If you knew you were in love with someone,' Emma asked Brennan one week later, her heart palpitating in her chest, 'would you act on it?'
They were in his car en route to Karyn's sorority party.
'You mean to ask me...have I acted upon it?'
Well yes, she thought restlessly. Past, present, whatever. Just give me a clue what goes on in that mind of yours.
'Actually, I was in two minds about it. With Mrs. Lipinski, I was afraid of being hurt.' He gave a short laugh. 'Imagine me..I'm used to hurting other people, and I'm not proud of it. But afraid of getting hurt myself. It was such an irony.'
For the next few months, he stayed with Maria Lipinski, seeing her every day when she came home from work and he from school. Watching her as she bustled around the kitchen, making them dinner; him offering to dice the carrots for her and strain the peas. Being near her as she spooned out the gravy for the potatoes, their hands touching as he held out the dish.
He did not bring up the subject of adoption again. Now that he realized he was in love with her, it was too mortifying, almost like incest. And she didn't volunteer the topic either. Perhaps she too knew it was futile; someone with his recklessness would only hurt any mother. And she couldn't bear to be hurt anymore, not since she lost her own son. To lose one's child; it was an event so tragic that its echoes transcended the years, leaving a patina of sorrow that could never be erased. And after such a memory, she would naturally be wary to love another child again.
So he could only hope that she would tarry on, never being able to find him a foster home. After all, he was already sixteen, two years to adulthood and being his own man in the eyes of the state. And he could live with her until then, he thought, and be allowed to love her. And after that....
'Brennan, you have stopped stealing, haven't you?' she asked him one day.
He had, for a while. He didn't want her to send him away again.
'Well, you've got to find yourself something to do. You're here with me, night after night. Surely a boy your age would want to go out.'
Not really, he thought. I'm exactly where I want to be, with you. Besides, if he went out, he would be tempted to hook up with some of his friends again, and he would probably gravitate back towards thieving. Or street fighting.
She reached out to hold his hand. 'I'm proud of you. And I don't want you to do this for me. You've got to want to do this for yourself.'
He nodded, afraid she would give him the 'you've got a future ahead of you' spiel. The truth was, he didn't want to think too much about the future. The present was complicated enough.
If only there wasn't such an age difference. If only he had been older, or she younger. If only the circumstances had been different and she didn't see him so much as a delinquent teenager who needed to be taken under her wing. He had only himself to blame for that. There were so many 'if only's.'
Truth be told, he didn't mind the twenty four-odd years difference in age between them. He was only worried that she minded. And he was concerned that she would never see him as anything other than the little boy in the hospital bed who liked Rocky Road ice cream.
He wondered if he dared to act on it. How would she react if he told her straight out, when they having dinner, that he was in love with her? Or maybe when they were out walking in the park? Would she dismiss it as a silly teenage infatuation? He couldn't bear to be laughed at; his love for her was very real and important to him and just because he was sixteen, rejection wouldn't hurt any less.
But then he was a doer, his mother had always said. He was always one to make things happen, he didn't want to sit back passively and wait. It usually proved to be his undoing in a lot of things. He hoped this wasn't going to be one of them.
'Are you seeing anyone, Brennan?' she asked him one day when they were sitting on the couch watching TV.
He pondered on how to answer this. 'Not technically, no.' He wasn't counting all those quickie sessions during break. All those girls didn't mind anyway that he didn't love them; they were just using him as much as he was using them, and they were probably bragging about it too. At least, he would like to think it was as easy as that.
'Don't hurt anyone too much, Brennan,' she said, stroking his cheek. 'It's just that the human heart, at your age... it can be broken so easily.'
What about my heart? he thought. Would anyone care about breaking it?
He said desperately, 'Maria, if you were in love with someone, would you tell them?'
She seemed to give this serious consideration. Then she nodded. 'Yes I would tell them. I would have to be honest with myself, if nothing else. And I would like to know where I stand; if there was a possible future, or if I had to reluctantly but surely move on. It's easier said than done, but it's for the best.'
He felt his heart throbbing painfully. He had to do it before he lost his nerve.
Turning to her, he held her face in his hands and kissed her long and deeply. Before she could gasp out in surprise, he kissed her again, amazed at the passion that arose within him.
'Brennan?' Her palms were on his chest, resisting. 'What're you doing?'
'I love you.' He didn't quite know what else to say. 'Please please let me love you.'
And with that, he kissed her again, feeling her lips yield against his. He didn't want to overwhelm her with his physical need, but he didn't know how else to express himself. So he kissed her and kissed her, each kiss more hungry than the next, until he was devouring her mouth and pushing her down onto the couch; fumbling at the buttons on her blouse and the clasp of her skirt. Fearing that any moment she would ask him to stop, because he didn't quite know if he could stop.
She sighed, seeming to make up her mind about something, and surrendered to him. Throwing her head back, she allowed him to rain kisses on her neck, and peel her blouse back to expose her bra. No words, the way he liked it in those days, because words complicated things. And right now, he was in wonderland, because for the first time in his life, he was making love to a woman he loved; and it made the experience all the more sensuous, like he was on a heightened plane of rapture.
When he entered her, she cried out; and he was afraid he had hurt her. But she reassured him by pulling on his buttocks, drawing him deeper into her, until he felt himself drowning. He didn't want to disappoint her by releasing himself too early, so he held back as long as he could. He wanted to make this experience as memorable for her as it was for him, so he employed all his considerable skills to vary and prolong it; making sure she cried out again several times before he allowed himself to climax.
As he lay back panting, his body covered in a sheen of sweat, his limbs still entwined with hers, she said: 'We shouldn't have done that.'
How could a manifestation of love be wrong? 'Why do you say that?'
'Because..it was wrong of me to take advantage of you.' She turned her head away, not meeting his eyes. 'But I was lonely, so very lonely...and it has been so long since someone touched me that way. Though that's no excuse.'
He put out a hand to stroke her hair. 'I love you. I've been in love with you since the day you rescued me. You didn't take advantage of me. I was afraid I was taking advantage of you.'
She shook her head. 'It was very wrong of me. But you're so very beautiful, I couldn't help myself.' She gazed into his eyes. 'That's why I don't think having you here is a good idea. I'll always be tempted to think of you as more than someone I'm supposed to be in charge of. It'll never work out.'
A sliver of dread crept up his spine. Please please don't let her say it. He was beginning to regret being impulsive now. 'What do you mean?'
She sat him up, and cupped his face in her hands. 'Brennan, look at you. You're sixteen. A very grown-up and sexually mature sixteen, granted, but you're still sixteen. I'm forty. I'm old enough to be your mother. What does that tell you?'
He was ready for that. 'But it doesn't matter to me. As long as I love you..I could make you so happy, and you don't have to be so lonely anymore..' His voice faltered. 'You don't even have to love me back, not in that way..you can just use me...I can live with that...'
'Oh Brennan.' There were tears in her eyes. 'You don't know what you're saying. You deserve so much better than that. What are you going to say when you are twenty-six, and I'm fifty? Or when you're thirty-six, in the prime of your life, and I'm sixty? You don't want to be saddled with a menopausal old woman, and you're going to wonder why you are.'
He closed his eyes. There was a physical pain in his chest; he knew it was a metaphor but he could literally feel his heart breaking. 'You're going to send me away, aren't you?'
'I'm going to have to find you a shelter, yes. If I can't find you another foster home. It's for the best.'
He averted his face from her. He didn't know it was possible to hurt this badly. Was this what Dash went through? In any case, he deserved it. He deserved every bit of it.
'Brennan...I'm sorry...'
He could feel her hands on his chest but he pushed them away. And swallowed. 'It's okay. I'll be all right. Just....give me a moment to be alone.'
She nodded. 'If it's any help, even if you don't stay here with me, I'll always be here for you.'
Picking up his clothes from the floor like so many pieces of pain and refusing to look at her, he walked out of the room, not really noticing where he was going. If this was what falling in love was all about, he was going to make damned well sure he would never do it again.
*
*
Listening to this, Emma felt a sense of foreboding. It was at the tip of her tongue. She wanted to ask him, 'And after you made that resolution, have you broken it? Is it possible for you to love again?' After all, it was a long time ago. But she knew him. He carried scars he did not speak of, or even acknowledge he had them. He was stubborn that way. But they had arrived and she kept her mouth shut. A different sense of foreboding was now looming in front of her.
'Brennan, you're not going to embarrass me in front of my friends, are you?' The dress he chose for her was embarrassing enough. She wore a red spaghetti-strapped cocktail number that clung to her body like a leech. Her lipstick was blood red and for contrast, he selected a black string choker for her neck that was so tight her throat felt constricted.
'How would I embarrass you? You're going to look beautiful.' He pecked her on the cheek, taking care not to smudge her lipstick.
With his arm around her waist, she rang the bell of the sorority house she had never been a part of. Inside she could hear raucous laughter and the thumping beat of techno. This was so not her scene. She was beginning to wonder if anyone would hear the bell over the din, when the door opened and someone screamed.
'Emma!' The whirlwind that was her friend Karyn embraced her. Yup, that was Karyn's specialty; making you feel as though you were the only person worth caring about in the world. No wonder everyone loved her. 'You look so gorgeous!'
'Congratulations on getting engaged,' Emma said, hugging her friend back. She wouldn't have minded coming if it had been Karyn alone. It was the others she couldn't bear.
'Well, it's been like forever you know for Jimmy and me...it's about time he popped the question. And who's your friend?' She glanced bemusedly at Brennan.
'I'm Emma's fiancé, Brennan,' he said before she could even open her mouth, taking hold of Karyn's hand and shaking it.
Karyn turned sparkling eyes on Emma. 'Oh my goodness, this is absolutely fabulous. You didn't tell me you were getting married?'
Uh, Emma thought, I didn't know I was getting married either. And with all her emotions tied up in a painful knot over him, for a moment she thought and hoped that he was serious; until she saw him wink at her; and she knew it was part of this big scheme he had to embarrass her despite all her protestations.
Oh damn his eyes.
'Well Emma,' Karyn took her hand and Brennan's to usher them into the house, 'this is great news. Hey everyone!' she shouted before Emma could stop her. 'Look who's here. It's Emma and she's brought her fiancé!'
As everyone she knew - and didn't know - came to gush and give her best wishes, crowding around them like ants at a picnic, Emma felt herself sinking into a hole. She was so going to kill him for this. She didn't honestly know how she would last the night. As she expected, the rapid-fire twenty questions were coming. Where did you meet him? What does he do for a living? Where have you been since quitting college? Do you have a job? Where did you find him? Are there more where he came from?
Pleading faintness, she begged to go to the restroom. She had to compose herself, compose a story, and pick up the first sharp instrument to stab him (and herself) with. They always say you hurt the ones you love, and she was going to make damned well sure she joined that bandwagon.
It was a mistake, leaving him alone. When she came out, he was seated in an armchair, twirling a can of beer in his hand and surrounded by a circle of her former female acquaintances, including Karyn.
He was saying, 'Emma and I met at a party like this. The moment I laid eyes on her from across the room, I knew she was "the one." It was incredible, you know, how people talk about love at first sight?' They nodded breathlessly. 'Well I didn't think it would happen to me, but there she was. And I just knew..wham..it hit me.'
'Wow,' someone said. 'Was it love at first sight for Emma too?'
She fully expected him to say, 'Why don't you ask her? She's standing over there.' But he didn't. Instead he intoned ruefully, 'No, I'm afraid not. She was with this older guy, rich as Croessus. He adored her and she had only eyes for him. I didn't think I stood a chance.'
Emma gripped the back of a chair. He was so making her sound like a gold digger.
'You've got to be kidding me,' another of her friends quipped. 'But you're so..wow.'
'Well, it was a couple of years back and at that time, I was only a medical student.'
Emma choked.
'You're a doctor?' everyone chorused.
'Uh huh. But not at that time. I was trying to work my way through med school when I met Emma. In that party, I was on the stage, performing.'
'You're a performer too?' asked someone.
'Yup, I was actually doing erotic dancing, 'cause the tips were good, if you know what I mean.' Emma almost swallowed her tongue. 'I was wearing this tight black G-string with metal studs on it and a black leather slave collar with a ring. I had these leather armbands and black knee length boots, and nothing else on. I was up there on the stage, doing this little S&M dance routine with a whip. And she didn't even notice me.'
There were more than a few shocked gasps. Brennan was in a decent black tank top (albeit a tight one) and jeans, but all rounded eyes were now riveted to his body, lingering on his chest and crotch. Gad, she thought in disgust, they were practically mind-raping him. Which was of course his intended reaction.
There was a rush of breathless questions. 'Wow, like, would you care to do a demo for us?' And 'How much do you charge for a performance? Maybe we should take a pool right now.' And 'How can Emma not notice you?'
Brennan shrugged. 'Emma doesn't notice things like that. Anyway, I don't do the erotic dancing thing anymore, Emma cured me. Nowadays, I just give private performances for her. Right, Emma?'
Her voice sounded funny wheezing through gritted teeth. 'Brennan, can I talk to you for a second? In private?'
He grinned at his audience. 'She's got me wrapped round her little finger. When she calls, I jump. Yes sweetie.' He languorously uncurled himself to wade through his admirers (yep, they were his admirers all right) to join her.
'What do you think you are doing?' she hissed, pulling him out of earshot.
His eyes twinkled mischievously. 'I'm giving your friends a fantasy trip, that's what.'
Ooooh, she couldn't believe the man's arrogance. 'And what makes you think you are qualified to give them this...fantasy trip of yours?'
'Just look at their faces. I get that look a lot when I tell a variation of that story. They're having fun. And besides, the point is to get them really envious of you and your devoted new boyfriend.'
She was getting a headache. Before she could open her mouth again, he kissed her with passion, making sure everyone was watching. He whispered 'Relax' and bounded back to his perch to continue tale spinning.
She seriously needed a drink.
As she went to the kitchen to pour herself a gin she detested beer, Karyn materialized. 'You've got yourself a handful, Emma. He's incredibly hot, this new fiancé of yours. A little too hot maybe. How are you handling that?'
Emma downed her drink in one gulp, not noticing the immediate burn that glowered from her esophagus all the way down to her stomach. She sighed. 'Karyn, he's not my fiancée. I wanted to tell you that earlier but he thinks it's all one big joke. The fiancée thing was his idea. He's just a ..best friend I happen to be involved with.'
Karyn nodded, smiling slightly. 'I thought his stories were a little incredible. So he's your boyfriend?'
'I don't know how to put it. That's what I was hoping to talk to you about. You have to swear not to tell anybody about this.' Taking a deep breath, she gave Karyn a brief sketch of the past month's events without going into too much detail.
'Wow,' Karyn said when she had finished. 'I didn't know you were going through all that. I mean, I used to envy you when you were in college. You're so beautiful, but you never seemed to notice it. You always seemed to be ashamed of yourself, if you don't mind me saying so, when you don't need to be.' She paused. 'And I guess he is a pretty hot best friend to have. I can see why you might be tempted.'
Emma closed her eyes. 'I think I'm in too deep now.'
Karyn looked at her questioningly. 'Are you sure you really, really love him? And this is not some one-off lust thing? Men like that have a tendency to do that to you. You think you're in love with them, when what you're really feeling is a physical craving.'
'No, I think...,' she corrected herself '.I know I'm in love with him. This is different. It's not just the sex, God knows I don't even like sex that much, though he's changing my mind about that. I just like being with him, even when he's not touching me. When I wake up in the morning and he's lying next to me, I get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm drowning in him, you know. And when he's not around, I spend all my conscious time thinking about when I'm going to see him next, what I would say to him, what we would do together. When I finally do see him, it's like my mind is blown away. I'm smiling inside, I forget all the things I had planned to say or do....and just let him take over. I know that sounds lame, but it's how I feel.'
Now she was sounding like a Mills and Boon novel. Oh drat, she didn't think she would descend into that.
There was a silence before Karyn replied, smiling, 'You've got it bad, girlfriend.'
'I know,' she said miserably. 'And I still don't know how he feels. Don't ask me to ask him because I don't really think I can handle rejection right now.'
'You think he's going to reject you? What if he feels the same way?'
'What do you think?
Karyn shook her head. 'I don't know him well enough to answer that. But from what you say about him...and from what I can see...there might be a possibility. The more important thing is what happens after he says yes. If he says yes.' She hesitated. 'How honest do you want me to be?'
'Be honest.' A feeling of dread was beginning to gather in her belly.
'Well, this is just my opinion. And I might be totally wrong. But I would be a total wreck if I had a boyfriend or husband like that. Just look at him out there....he loves attention, especially from females. And he's always going to get it wherever he goes, you can't stop that. The question is - can you handle it?'
I honestly don't know, Emma thought. I haven't been able to even think that far yet. Karyn was always deep that way. Emma was suddenly glad she came. She needed to talk about this real bad.
'He's also got the typical bad boy thing going for him,' Karyn continued. 'And in the past, you say he's not been exactly monogamous. Even when he has decided to commit himself to you, hypothetically speaking, can he stay with one woman for long? You must remember this is one guy women are going to be hitting on day after day, night after night. You can't be there watching him every minute. Can you trust him when he's away from you? I'm not saying this is his fault entirely. Imagine if you're a beautiful woman - and you are, of course - with a kind of sensuality that makes men go wild. Shalimar, Emma thought. Not me. . And you get men coming on to you wherever you go, on the elevator, in a mall. At some point, you're going to be tempted to yield. What's more, Brennan's a guy. They don't generally have inhibitions like we women do.'
Emma felt her heart sinking. 'You're telling me it would never work out.'
'No, no one can tell you that. Stranger things have happened. I'm just saying that loving a man like him comes with a risk. If that's a risk you're willing to take - and the risk is that you might get hurt badly - then you should follow your heart. Personally I prefer someone safer; someone who loves me possibly more than I love him, like Jimmy. He may not turn my world inside out like a rollercoaster, I won't exactly pine for him every day but at least I have a better chance at something long term. And I won't get hurt.' Karyn laid a hand on Emma's face. 'I know that doesn't sound very exciting but it's the way more and more women are starting to think nowadays. Call it self-preservation.'
Oh yes, she knew someone safer. Someone who loved her a whole lot more than she cared to admit, when she only felt affection for him. Someone she didn't even want to think about because she was so wrapped up with Brennan.
Oh poor dear sweet Jesse! And he was beautiful too in such a safe, golden, nurturing way...so unlike Brennan, whose looks inspired dangerous erotic thoughts at first glance. In a lot of other women.
Karyn hugged her. 'Don't fret. The solution will come to you in time. Come say hi to Jimmy, he's been wanting to catch up with you. And,' she peered through the door, 'I think you'd better go rescue your fiancée. Sherry and Dana are all over him. They'd be wanting to score tonight, maybe together, and I don't think they care if he's your boyfriend.'
Emma rolled her eyes. 'He asked for it. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. Just tell him I'm going for a walk.'
With that, she stalked off through the back door, feeling more than just a little peeved.
*
'Emma?' He caught up with her almost immediately. 'Hey, where are you going?'
She was ashamed. She had walked off in a jealous huff when she had no right to. Now she was behaving like a lovesick teenager when she had not laid one single claim on him. 'I just wanted to go for a walk. It's my old campus after all.'
'Without a coat?'
She had forgotten it. There was a chill wind blowing and she had hardly noticed it. All she had been thinking about was how right Karyn was, and how loving Brennan was only going to give her a heartbreak. It was already happening, and she was not the only one. She remembered Shalimar's prophetic words - 'He's breaking my heart even before I ever gave it to him.'
God, is this what Shalimar went through? This wasn't even the tip of the iceberg and she was already starting to feel like a wreck.
He took off his jacket and put it around her shoulders, and she just wanted to cry at the ambiguity of it. Here she was, trying to rationalize how bad he was for her (not that she didn't know it from the start)..and when he did something like that, it made her want to melt all over again and sink into his arms like a lovelorn puppy. Damn him to hell. And when she looked into his concerned brown eyes, all misgivings flew out the window. She would be denying her very existence if she claimed she didn't want lose herself into him, and a love like that (she thought) was worth every sliver of hurt that came along with it.
They walked together in companionable silence, his arm around her and her hand in his back jeans pocket.
'Aren't you worried Sherry and Dana will be missing you?' she asked after a while.
'Is that who they were? Nah. I'm doing a look but no touch with your friends tonight just to get the envy thing going.' He had the sense to look embarrassed. 'I know I sound really vain but it actually works sometimes. And you women do it all the time anyway. So I thought I'd get my own back.'
'Well, don't do it too often,' she said. 'There's such a thing as hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.' She was thinking of Shalimar.
'The actual quote is "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorned." It's by William Congreve in The Mourning Bride, 1697. It's probably the most misquoted saying in the universe.'
'Well, I like the modern version better.'
'Not if you bear brunt of it.'
*
*
'I finished with school and foster homes when I turned eighteen, and after that I hit the streets. I got into robbery in a big way since I was so good at it. But I balked at the people stuff you know, like drugs and prostitution. Though when I was about twenty-two, I worked for a guy who was into everything.'
Life was good. He had plenty of money, his own apartment, a new car and he was one of the most successful robbers (armed or unarmed) in the business. His star was rising in the underworld; he had a boss who liked him, and a boss's lieutenant who didn't.
'I could do no wrong where my boss was concerned,' Brennan said. "His name was Vincent Carolco and he ran the whole of the lower west side. He had ties to the Family so no one messed with him. He made sure I had a good cut of everything.'
Mr Carolco also ran a legitimate business in health spas all over the country (that was actually a front for his prostitution rings), something that kept him so busy he was hardly around. He had a wife and three grown daughters who were largely occupied with traveling around Europe, or so they told Brennan when he came in. The boss was also real forgetful.
One day, he called Brennan on the cellphone. 'Need an urgent favor from you, Mulwray.' Brennan liked the way he called him Mulwray and not 'kid' like most of the others. 'It's my wife's birthday. I'm in Florida right now, and she's going ballistic. Why you don't take her out to dinner and buy her jewelry? Charge it on the account. Get her Tiffany's or something.'
Swell, he was thinking, now I'll have to nurse some geriatric old woman. 'Yeah, sure thing. If you'll just give me the address.'
'Get it from Eli. She's expecting you at seven.' The phone went dead.
Why don't you get Eli to take her out instead? Sighing, he dialed Eli anyway, knowing full well the lieutenant detested him.
'Don't screw this up, kid,' Eli warned. 'You're getting cocky. Mess around with her and you're dead, I promise.'
And why in the world would I want to mess around with Mrs. Carolco? Her three daughters were, like, working age? The woman had to be over fifty if she was a day. He felt a stab of guilt at the memory of Maria Lipinski, and wondered if he was now having this phobic complex because of her.
When he rang the bell at the gracious Spanish mansion he was now privileged to see, he was shocked to see a dark-haired woman in her early thirties at the door. She was quite a stunner too, in a sloe-eyed predatory way; like one of those film noir women who schemed to murder their older (and usually richer) husbands.
'Mrs. Carolco?' He hoped his jaw wasn't dropping open too wide.
'You must be Brennan, that new whiz kid I was hearing about.' Her voice was low, he wondered if she always spoke like that. 'Come in.' She turned her back on him and he could see the criss-crossing of her spaghetti- strapped dress.
He stepped hesitantly in, looking around the opulent lounge. 'Happy Birthday.' When she turned, he fumbled in his pocket and handed her a gift- wrapped box. 'Um, Mr. Carolco... I mean Vincent got you this.'
'Bullshit,' she said. 'He sent you out to buy me jewelry. Let me guess, Tiffany's right? And you had to pick it out? Let's see what taste you've got.'
She unwrapped the box carelessly. Her expression softened when she saw the lilac cameo he had selected. He had seen one like it in Mrs. Lipinski's collection, and assumed it might be appropriate for an older woman. 'This is different. So you don't dig the flashy stuff huh? Actually, he did. Anyway,' she tossed the box onto the plush sofa, 'I don't like jewelry, but he never got that into his thick skull. I like other things, and if you're lucky, you might just be a part of that.' She gave him a significant look.
He was feeling a little hot, and loosened the neck of his shirt a little. 'Where are your children?'
'I don't have any children.' She was amused. 'You must have me confused with the first Mrs. Carolco. He divorced that old bag years ago. I'm his second wife.'
'Oh,' he said, feeling foolish.
'Now we've got that age thing over and done with, where are we going?'
She took him to a posh restaurant where the reservation list was as high as the cholesterol in the foie gras, though she circumvented it by breezing in, the maitre' d bowing and scraping. She then proceeded to order for both of them the most expensive dishes on the menu, together with a one thousand dollar bottle of wine that was corked in 1945.
'Why aren't you eating?' she asked him.
He was more a Chinese take-away and burgers kind of guy. 'Um..this is pretty ritzy stuff.'
'I can see I'm going to have to educate you.' She looked pointedly at him. 'In a lot of things. You have a girlfriend?'
'Here and there,' he replied honestly.
'Do you like sex?'
Her frankness was discomfiting him. 'Mrs. Carolco, where is this leading?'
'Maddie.'
'What?'
'You can call me Maddie.' To his alarm, he felt a stockinged foot toeing his crotch. Jeepers, the woman was shameless. He shifted uncomfortably, looking around. No one noticed. He was thankful for that because he couldn't help feeling aroused. Her eyes never left his face. She was enjoying this.
'Maddie, I don't think it's a good idea.'
'You don't strike me as the shy type.'
'I'm not. But you're my boss's wife.'
'And?' She raised an eyebrow. 'You never wanted to get back at him? I certainly do.'
'He's a pretty decent guy. And besides, if he found out, I don't think I'd live very long.'
'Don't you like your sex laced with a bit of danger?'
Her foot was working up a full massage now. He hated to admit it, but he was getting a tremendous erection. And he had to concede the danger part was very alluring.
'I was so so foolish in those days,' Brennan groaned to Emma. 'But she was sexy as hell. She was super-confident, unlike any woman I'd ever met. She knew what she wanted, and she went straight for it. No small talk. And in those days, I didn't think very much with my brain.'
'You still don't,' Emma said.
'I like to think I'm improving.'
When he drove Maddie home, with her tongue in his ear and her hand inside his trousers, he was still having second thoughts. As he parked on her drive, the engine still running, he was saying, 'I really don't think this is a good idea.'
'No one will ever find out. And besides, you haven't given me my birthday present.'
'You threw it on the couch.'
'That's not the one I want.' She gave him a tug, not a gentle one. 'This is what I like. Right here.'
He had to think about it. And quickly before his libido got the better of him. If it hadn't won already. 'What about your help? What if they see me?'
'I gave them all the night off. Why do you think I answered the door? I did a scan check on you before you came. They gave me your pictures.'
And with that, she unzipped him all the way and took him into her mouth. It was so sudden that he had to grip the steering wheel, almost depressing the horn. He was glad the gear was in park. Good grief, but the woman was incredible at this, well beyond even the high water mark of the health spa experts who were always giving him one for free. It was as though she knew his anatomy inside out and the right pleasure spots to sensitize. And God, she was so fucking, fucking incredible.
After a while, he did something he'd never done to a woman before. He climaxed directly into her mouth. He looked down to apologize, but she was obviously enjoying the spillage and she didn't look one bit ruffled, like she was used to doing this everyday.
'I'm sorry,' he said anyway.
'I'm sure there's more of that where it came from. You look like a strong young man.'
She led him upstairs into her bedroom. Before he could protest, she ripped his shirt apart. He nervously looked around, 'Are you sure we're not being videotaped?' 'Relax,' she laughed. 'If there's any videotaping to be done, I'll do it.' Then she kissed him...no, devoured his mouth like she was a voracious animal while tearing off his pants, feeding on him until he found himself in a state of full arousal again. There was nothing soft or tender about her, and he found himself reacting similarly; undressing her swiftly, uncovering bare skin underneath. She wore no bra or panties, just a garter belt and stockings.
Oh heck, sex with her was going to be one hell of a trip.
'I want you to fuck me right now,' she commanded. 'And don't hold anything back.'
He pushed her down on the bed, and plunged into her roughly. She threw back her head and pulled him down with her, her fingernails digging into his back. He sensed she liked it like that, and ploughed ahead, merciless, until the bed was creaking and slamming against the wall, and he hoped he wasn't making a dent. She was whispering in his ear 'Fuck me, Brennan' over and over, and the scintillating words he had to admit he was one of those men who liked women to talk dirty to him drove him to new heights. He gathered her legs, folded them at the hips against her body and drove into her deeper, practically skewering her; and she retaliated by coming and gouging long bloody marks in his back.
After he came for the second time that night, he lay back, feeling his wounds prickle, and said, 'You've got to understand this is only for tonight, okay? I can't take the risk.'
'You'll be back,' she said, biting into his neck, not gently. 'That's a promise.'
'No. No I won't. Like I said, I value my life.'
He got up to leave, but she pressed him down again with a 'Stay the night. We're all alone.' And after a while, he drifted off to sleep. He was exhausted after all. He hoped he would wake up before someone came in the morning and saw his car parked outside.
When he awoke however, she was straddling him. He tried to move, but his wrists were manacled to the bedposts, and so were his ankles. The cold steel bit into his flesh. What was the woman trying to do? She had circled his neck with a leather slave collar that had a metal ring attached to it, and she was putting on black leather gloves.
'What are you doing?' He pulled helplessly at the manacles.
She smiled seductively, and ran a gloved finger down his groin, eliciting from him a shudder. 'I'm making you my slave. Like I said, I have a lot to educate you.'
*
*
Emma woke up, disoriented. She was lying in a tangle of limbs...Brennan's limbs, thank God, and they were lying on the floor, naked, a quilt around them. The sunlight was spilling through the window; she realized they were in a room (one of the rooms upstairs in the sorority house, probably) and there was a bed next to where they were lying. There were people asleep in the bed. Naked, without the quilt.
She sat up in alarm. She knew she should have been shocked, and overwhelmingly stricken and perhaps she would have been one month ago before they started this ; though nowadays, with him in tow, situations like these were becoming commonplace.
Bits of flashes from the night before were coming back. She had been titillated by his stories and the images he had projected into her mind; she blushed to even think of them. He had suggested they go back to the party, and they had danced 'Let's show them some erotic dancing,' he had whispered and she had thrown back a few drinks. And after a while, her senses dulled and everything became one big blur.
And now here she was. Naked in a roomful of naked people. Her clothes were strewn next to her. She needed to go to the bathroom - there was one attached to the bedroom - but she was too embarrassed to go the way she was.
As she sat up to gather her clothes, she noticed a stickiness on the insides of her thighs. Great, she thought, she was getting her period. What a time to be getting it. She would have to borrow something from Karyn.
Next to her, Brennan stirred and opened his eyes. 'Hey.'
'Hey to you too.'
'Some hot night huh?'
It would have been hotter if I remembered most of it, she thought. She smiled at him anyway.
He grinned back. 'So what does it feel like not to be a virgin anymore?'
She felt the world stop right there. 'What do you mean?'
'I meant about last night. I figured you were loosened up enough, you had plenty of drinks and you were in the mood. So I went right ahead and did it.' He looked concerned. 'I thought that was the idea. And after this, you don't have to put up with me anymore.'
But, she thought, her thoughts racing, I wasn't ready. I need more time to make you fall in love with me. And I don't remember a thing, not that it matters in the light of other things.
More importantly, was this going to be the end? Was she going to lose him, this intimacy they had? She hadn't even told him she loved him. Oh damn it, she desperately needed more time.
'You okay, Emma?'
No, she thought, I'm so not okay.
TBC